Glorious things happen when I clean out an office file cabinet, and not just that I get more organized. I find COVERS. Long ago in publishing, by which I mean a few years back, sometimes a flat version of a book cover was produced, leading to the somewhat obvious term, “cover flat.” It’s about as exciting as you think: the front of the book, the spine and the back, all one one flat piece of card stock.
But these are very special cover flats. These are ZEBRA COVER FLATS. There is no fuchsia like Zebra romance fuchsia. Let’s have a look, shall we?
Sarah: Awwww yeah. An Irish Wind. Which coincidentally also translates identically from the Gaelic for, ‘Where did you find that pleather shirt?’ and ‘He farts butterflies.’
Elyse: His Irish Wind is keeping that butterfly aloft.
Amanda: I feel like if Lisa Frank started to make romance covers, this would be a first draft (Draft, get it? Hehehehe). Also, needs more butterflies.
Carrie: Well, obviously someone wasn’t thinking clearly about the title. I mean, the fart jokes sort of write themselves. Visually, it’s really pink and yet sort of depressing. It looks like something Lisa Frank would make if she was very, very sad.
Sarah: This is a perfect example of how the covers like this do a great service to my sense of humor but a disservice to the plot inside. The cover is all kinds of eyeburning, but the contents appear to be EVEN MORE SO.
Get a load of the cover copy for this book:
When the most accomplished master printer in colonial Williamsburg is accused of counterfeiting money, she is outraged. Samarra Seldon has constantly had to prove that a woman could succeed in business, and the last thing she needs is an arrogant Britisher’s accusations–even if his gaze makes her tremble with desire.
Setting aside the part where a Colonial heroine shares a name with an Iraqi city, I’d read the crap out of that. Once my eyes healed the retina burns from the cover.
To be fair, though, his majestic mullet is a good match for the “gaze making her tremble with desire” part.
Elyse: When Autumn foliage attacks.
Amanda: What is happening here? Is the moon still out? Are they about to be swept away in a tornado of old leaves? Is that why his shirt looks like it’s going to be ripped from his body? Is that Debra Messing?
Sarah: No, though it looks like the moon. That’s a hole punched in the cardboard. But it would have been better with a full moon!
Carrie: LEAF EXPLOSION! ORANGE ALERT! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Sarah: She found blazing passion in the cold Canadian wilderness! Canada, YOU HAVE BEEN HOLDING OUT ON US. It’s plenty cold and you sent it down here. SEND THE BLAZING PASSION ALREADY.
Carrie: Of course they are cold: their clothes are falling off. Also, judging from her expression, he’s been out in the Canadian wilderness sans soap and deodorant for a little too long. I know “smells like man” is a romance novel staple, but a little man smell goes a long way.
Amanda: Five bucks says that mullet is the real secret to fighting the “cold Canadian wilderness.”
Sarah: Wait. I have a question. My eyes have healed from the leafsplosion cover, and I’ve been staring at this one too long.
If they’ve both closed their eyes, and they’re not looking at each other, exactly what are they about to do here? Tango? Is he listening to see if her jaw pops so he can diagnose her with TMJ?
Amanda: I feel like we should have seen a nipple by now, but alas…there’s nothing. Not even if you squint really hard.
Sarah: Oh, no, nipple is imminent. We have Imminent Nipple.
Coincidentally, that’s the name of my new Hall & Oates cover band.
Carrie: She’s about to grab that sword, stab him through the guts, and walk off with a smug expression on her improbably eye-shadowed face.
Sarah: OH MY GOSH you guys. LOOK AT THE SWORD HILT. WHAT COULD IT MEAN? WHAT COULD IT MEAN?
So I had this long discussion with my mother today explaining how romance covers cannot be relied upon to tell you anything, at all, about what’s in the book. She’s been watching some primetime, “family” style show and she’s very upset about all of sleeping around going on in it. She’s just realized that it’s a soap opera and she’s absolutely upset by it. So smutty.
I mentioned how these shows are aimed at families but are really kind of immoral but that many of the books that I read are seen, by so many people (and my mom), as absolute smut while they’re actually, generally, about two people who find each other, fall in love, and remain happy ever after together. And faithfully so.
She’s still not convinced. And tonight she watched the latest episode. Soooo…?
Anyway, these book covers made me very happy and just a little bit sad.
I’m a bit worried about the guy in #1. That arm band must be totally cutting off his circulation. And now you know how we Canadians survive the winter – just keep a big pile of passion blazing.
The fuchsia, the exploding Q-tip hair and the man-titty of the old Zebra covers were pretty awful, but, sometimes, I think I prefer them to the generic, photo-shopped covers today. And at least they all have heads!
What you don’t understand about Frontier Enchantress, is that their lack of eye contact was a traditional requirement for Canada Customs to let the book into the True North Strong and Free.
You notice of course that the clothes are only coming off him, though I think she is showing a most un Canadian level of décolletage, of course these days Border Services is much more concerned with his déshabillé, but thankfully there are no other males on the cover, a skulking villain would surely raise possibilities and surely see it seized.
So looking at this I can almost sense the prospect of my heart pulsing with erotic possibilities, not seen since Pierre Trudeau, will our hero disappear into the wilderness for six months leaving our heroine to have exciting adventures doing inventory at the trading post where she befriends a First Nations woman who will teach her traditional medicine which will come in handy in the dramatic nursing scene/climax.
I think we have a winner for best sword handle on a cover. It really just goes to that next level.
Is it weird that despite (because of???) the covers I kinda want to read all of these?
Is it just me or is that Knight’s shining armor really sequins?
Irish Wind….”Oi loike it too!”
On Counterfeit Caress, is that a flaw on the cover, or does the guy have a tuft of hair growing out of his nipple?
Cover 3: But if they are in the wilderness of Canada, why are they on a ship? I feel like it’s not really backcountry if you sail in.
Channelling my inner Mrs Doyle here ( because it’s Wednesday & Fr Ted rocks …anyway !)
So re: Knight’s Caress, She’s saying “Ah,go on with you ! You KNOW I’ll get nipple rash from your chain mail … I’ll be 50 shades of rusty by the time you’ve had your tea !!”
I dunno, y’all, the Canadians look really sleepy. They’re all “Burning passio-zzzzzzzzz……”
My first thought on the first cover was “Is that butterfly jealous?”
My second thought was “Where on earth is this book set?” Irish in the title and the stonehengey rock pile suggest somewhere in the British isles. What appears to be a monarch butterfly means they have to be somewhere in North America.
Ellie: OMG THANK YOU I HAD THIS THOUGHT TOO. Why are they on a boat. WHY.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! “A little man smell goes a long way.”
Thank you for that one, Carrie. I’m reading a book right now with entirely too many references to “that smell that was his alone.” Yeah. His and every romance hero in 50 miles.
They’re on a large boat, with another boat in the background, so it’s not the Mississippi.
Yes, @TamB, it does look like sequins. And everything about that last cover says European Medieval, except the flowers behind her ear which make me think we’re in Hawaii.
By Britisher does the most accomplished master printer in colonial Williamsburg mean he’s British. Why have I never heard that? Is that what people really call British people? I’m so confused, does that mean I’M a Britisher? What’s a Britisher guys?!
(Feel like I should clarify that I do live in the UK)
(also that I’m just really intrigued, is that acutally a word?)
She’s mighty close to grabbing the hilt of that sword. Just sayin’.
I keep getting distracted from the art on the last cover by the author’s name… I’m chanting in my head “Lynette Vinet” (do they rhyme? or not? this is going to bother me ALL DAY)
On cover #1 I especially like how his magical butterfly ‘wind’ has made roses twine up the standing stones. Er…
“Britishers” are men who like to date “Americaners.”
Okay, but now I HAVE to read “Counterfeit Caress” because I went to school in Colonial Williamsburg and I automatically need to read a romance that’s set there. THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.
All I can think for “An Irish Wind” is him whispering, “my hair is so much better than yours”…I condition it with butterfly poo
For “Frontier Enchantress” I just keep imaging they are humming the waltz, and waltz right off the ship. What’s up with the ship? And is he supposed to be Native American?
The gentleman in “Frontier” has achieved a degree of torso-hip rotation that I have never seen accomplished by a live human who was not actually doing the tango. From that position, he should be hooking her left leg with a gancho.
Also, his hair is way too tidy. He’s on a ship in the frontier for chrissake. Hair gel no esta aqui.
I had the SAME problem as Lostshadows with the monarchs! So I couldn’t help myself and I went to the arbiter of all things true and accurate: Wikipedia…
So …
The monarch would be okay with the Canadian cover or the shipboard cover, but only in the British Isles prehistoric monument cover in the rare case. Maybe a big wind???
“Britisher” is kind of a Yiddish word-formation. Is the blurb-writer’s ethnic background showing? And that sets me wondering why there are no Zebra historical adventures through the wilds of Eastern Europe.
Canadian Wilderness Dude looks just like a young David Hasselhoff.
you bring joy to an otherwise cold and miserable day
On “Counterfeit Caress,” Sarah’s comment made me think that someone needs to photoshop that cover to change the title to “His Magnificent Mullet.”
The hero of “Frontier Enchantress” appears to be wearing no shirt under his buckskin jacket. What kind of frontiersman doesn’t understand dressing in layers against the Canadian cold?
That first cover looks like she’s about to slide right out of the scene. I hope she didn’t have to hold that pose for very long. Knights Caress is seconds away from a wardrobe malfunction…
Geek that I am, I must point out for geographical accuracy that Williamsburg is not exactly a hot destination for leaf-peepers. The leaves must have blown in from the mountains (leaf peeper Nirvana). Or the heroine printed them to hide the counterfeit caresses, which I am imagining as cuddling happening between poorly printed paper dolls.
@ ppyajunebug – I live in Virginia, so I feel I have to find myself a copy of Counterfeit Caresses, too. 🙂
Is it just me or does the “Frontier Enchantress” dude bear a strong resemblance to Adam Ant?
OMG it IS Debra Messing!!
Tamlush, if you gave him some face paint, yeh. He could be Adam Ant. Always wondered if he had a side gig for after the music career…
Prince Charming
Prince Charming
Ridicule is nothing to be scared of
Don’t you ever, don’t you ever
Stop being dandy, showing me you’re handsome
@Tamlush & Michelle
I TRULY hate to do this to you but…
STRIP
It’s at times like these the great heaven knows
That we wish we had not so many clothes
So let’s loosen up with a playful tease
Like all lovers did through the centuries
We’re just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?
We’re just following ancient history
If I strip for you will you strip for me?
Uh-huh-huh
When it gets so hot the end of the day
You may find your clothes getting in the way
If a pretty dress hides your true desire
Fold it nice and slow, throw it on the fire
We don’t need to see what the butler saw
Or a mirrored room with a mirrored floor
All those sneaky looks gazing down on you
Are no substitute for our rendezvous
If you think it’s cheap or a bit risque
Please don’t say a word I’ll just slip away
I am not a man who believes in lies
Like an octopus with big x-ray eyes
Don’t freeze up girl, you’re looking quite a sight
Be generous, I want it all tonight
LYRICSMODE © 2015
And for the video (I just could not but you really must) –
Oh,my. I actually saw him perform that live, back in the day. And Goody Two Shoes, too! I’m so old . . .
I agree with everyone else. That’s a young Debra Messing amidst the leaf explosion.
As for Frontier Enchantress, judging by the extreme tilt of the boat deck, I would think the couple would be clinging to the mast for dear life rather than to each other.
Impressive nail polish on the heroine of Knight’s Caress, especially considering she’s in medieval Europe.
I love Ireland. I don’t remember the fuschia sky or the heart-shaped sun. Or so much nudity.
@MirandaB: I was just kinda impressed that the Counterfeit Caresser HAD chest hair and wasn’t all Naired like they usually are.
And I, too, confess that I kinda want to read all of these. But maybe on my Kindle so no one else can see the covers. Or maybe we could just bribe RHG to do one of her “I read it so you didn’t have to” things.
I love these covers. I have read enough Zebra imprints to know better, except I’m apparently incapable of knowing better because I would absolutely read every single one of these.
Except maybe the Canadian one, because their blazing passion looks like a snoozefest.
Who am I kidding? I want to find out where that ship is going. That’s not a euphemism. I really want to know.
#2 is the first time ever that i’ve seen a guy with chest hair on a cover. at least i think so…argh now i have the urge to check all my romance novels for hairy chests.
well, there are worse ways to spend my day 🙂