Greetings! You know what sucks a big wang? Being sick when you’re home on maternity leave, knowing that leave ends very soon. Lame!
So as a result I am holed up in my house, hanging out with the wee Baba, who is not so wee anymore, alternately sleeping and watching Discovery tv. Here are words of wisdom for you until I wake up enough to post something more romance-related and visually stimulating.
1. “There’s no poo in a vulva!” Dirty Jobs host Mike Rowe, palpating a cow to determine if it’s pregnant. Wise words, sir. Watch where you’re sticking that arm.
2. From Freezair, a link to a Japanese game that invites you, as Freezaid said, to “defend your household and title from your dead husband’s relations—slappy-fight style!” You’re the widow and you have to slap the shit out of your dead husband’s horrible relatives to defend your right to the house and the family title. If you’re frustrated at the holiday season of nonstop family get-togethers, this could be a great stress reliever.
3. “Whether the vision of your home is warm and casual or cool and sheik, Olde Paint® will be an ideal marriage to your own personal tastes.” – Ad for Anderson Floor’s new Olde Paint® flooring collection (I’m remodeling my kitchen – OMG shoot me).
I have to say, my vision of my kitchen SHOULD be cool and sheik. I was going for green and low-environmental-impact, but that’s so 2007. And really, doesn’t “Cool Sheik” scream 2008? Now I have to figure out the best way to design a kitchen on a “sheik” theme. Bedsheets? Harem pillows for seating at a low table? Buxom kidnapped English aristocrats being held against their will in opulent bathrooms?
Perhaps every room of the ultimate Smart Bitch house should have a romance novel theme. The kitchen is obviously sheik-only. Baba’s room could be a secret (hence, secret baby) and the bathroom in which we’re attempting to potty train Freebird would obviously be “the Big Mis(s).” This could be fun – like a charity design house on hallucinogenic drugs!
Okay, having lived in the Middle East for eight years now I have to weigh in on the “sheik” themed kitchen. Every kitchen I’ve had in this region has had floor to ceiling ceramic tile (12” squares) and marble counter tops. No billow curtains, jewel colors throw pillows or eunuchs in sight. Often windowless with touches of gold gilt around the edges.
I think you can probably do better!
Love the “secret baby” room idea though 🙂
Should proof-read posts when drinking wine – “billowy curtains”, “jewel colored throw pillows”
Add an edit function!!!
the big miss, indeed. when we were buying stuff for our house i had to spell out for sales clerks who insisted on showing me floor level magazine holders rather than wall-mounted ones as requested for the bathrooms about how little boys have bad aim.
wait. He palpates for pregnancy from the vulva? That makes no sense. You can only feel the cervix if you do that. Large animal vets usually palpate from the rectum, since that lies directly over the uterus and ovaries.
So the first part of the pregnancy exam involves a fair amount of fecal removal. (Hence the gloves and quarts of lubricant.)
Confuzzled.
Hey the Anderson Floor’s new Olde Paint™ flooring collection. Does the American Beauty come with rose petals?
Don’t forget to install fans. Lots and lots of powerful fans. You know, to get that classic windblown clinch look, and complete experience.
Vanity dressers with large lit mirrors and collections of sterling silver mirror and brush sets, plus all the varied parfums in atomizers with gigantic testicle shaped pumps on little hoses.
Cuz my BabyPhat Goddess comes in a plain bottle and I gots to pour it inna wunna them so’s I an spritz behind me bits n pieces.
Plus if I’m naked and have a strand of pearls between my painted lips (which SO STAINS) I can be spritzing as I turn toward the camera in innocent surprise, doncha know.
You forgot the baby pink satin chair and the matching walls with the Bittersweet Anderson Floor’s new Olde Paint™ flooring.
For that Drag Queen/Whore House old school look.
Perhaps you could consider replacing your dining table with a boardroom table? Just so you have somewhere to hold all those late night meetings with your billionaire boss…
My mother tells me my bedroom looks like a tart’s boudoir, because I have purple curtains and a taffeta bedspread. Oh, the humanity!
But then, the cat likes to curl up on my bed. Especially when he’s filthy and wet from the rain. So…okay, you can see where I’m going with this.
Sympathy on being home sick and on remodeling the kitchen. I have no words of advice to offer except this: Having spent the summer remodeling the master bath, be patient. Keep the scotch handy for medicinal purposes. And when they say “it will take three weeks” what they’re really saying is “it will take three months…or six months….maybe.”
Mike Rowe can palpate me any day, baby.
Of course, every Smartly Bitchy House requires…
1) Stables (where else are you going to keep the well-muscled, handsome stableboys?)
2) Library (fully stocked with a range of appropriate literatures… and, of course, a supply of hairpins and hornrimmed glasses, for those Repressed Librarian days)
4) Tower! Definitely a tower! Size… well, you know, whatever floats your boat, really.
and, correspondingly:
5)Secret Passages (insert—hurrhurr—descriptive adjectives of choice here)
JaneDrew
Don’t forget the Bodice Ripper Bedroom
OMG lady and based on what I’ve read here, I use the term loosely. As if anyone other than other bored hags would be interested in this drivel.
so i read these bits of wisdom & wanted to add one of my own that i saw on oprah the other day.
dr. oz was on (it was a repeat) and, in response to a question about douching, said “the vagina is a self-cleaning oven…you don’t want to stick anything in there.”
not gonna lie, i sprayed pepsi out of my nose.
I wonder if the use of the adjective “sheik” was one of those fun spelling-check-proof errors, and the writer originally meant “chic”? (And how did that get by proofers?)
As for what a sheik-themed kitchen would require, I’d think a nice big grill for kebabs and/or a vertical spit for döner kebab would be a must.
You don’t get a full year’s guaranteed maternity leave?
*blink*
Charlene:
Welcome to the United States of Discriminating Against You & Your Vagina. I am granted by federal law 12 weeks of leave. 12 weeks. And that’s not necessarily paid; employers are required to hold the job for you until you come back.
What burns my nether feathers is that when the Family Medical Leave Act was passed that gave women and men those 12 weeks, we were supposed to be all happy like, Wow! 12 WHOLE WEEKS?!
And since the US on the whole is so good at not paying attention to any other country (there are other countries on the planet? Really?) I don’t know if women in the US know that Canada, the UK, Australia, Sweden, New Zealand, etc. all offer a year or more of leave for new mothers. And I wonder at the mutiny if they did.
On the other hand, America is all about workaholism: if you’re not stressed and sleepless, you’re not doing it right.
*sigh*
Amazing.
Although I suspect that such a thing would immediately be labelled as “dangerous socialism”.
My dream house is a room containing me and Mike Rowe. Preferrably, Mike Rowe in me.
“wait. He palpates for pregnancy from the vulva? That makes no sense. You can only feel the cervix if you do that. Large animal vets usually palpate from the rectum, since that lies directly over the uterus and ovaries.
So the first part of the pregnancy exam involves a fair amount of fecal removal. (Hence the gloves and quarts of lubricant.)”
He went in the wrong way…
Ok, I have it bad for Mike Rowe… Today I was out in Amazon contemplating buying the “Dirty Jobs” DVDs. God I love that man!
Canada grants a full year of maternity leave. And while you don’t get paid your full salary, you do get paid a percentage. (I think it’s 60%)
A lot of people wanted to emigrate to Canada after Bush II won reelection.
I just wanted to waddle over the border and have my children there so I could have a longer leave time.
But perhaps I need to light a small fire under my behind to inspire American women to decide that up with this 12 week shit they will not put.
MUTINY! Mothers United To Increase Nesting, Yo!
1 Makes me not miss my pre-kidlet days when I spent small amounts of time shoving my gloved and lubed hand up a sow’s hooha and pulling piglets out.(Oddly enough I met my hubby at this particular pig barn and he was in breeding and then quite shortly into our courtship, I did indeed get bred.)
As for maternity leave in Canada you can get a maximum of $423/week with some factors (including unemployment in your region) taken into account. You can find the details if you’re motivated. It’s not that much, but it’s better than 12 weeks unpaid.
I think Dr. Oz, like almost everything introduced to us by Oprah, is a prat.
I’m married to a doctor. I trust HIM. I’ve never double checked any of Oz’s info, but he’s such a tool with the scrubs on tv I dismiss everything he says.
Plus, Oprah. She’s like a freaking disease. More plagiarists and pedophiles, please, your judgment is oh-so-loverly.
I don’t know Dr. Oz but his statement about “self-cleaning” is right in step with my doctor’s advice. She is an incredibly sensible woman about the lady parts.
********
As for unpleasant jobs—have they done bull semen collection yet?
I’m with all of the commenters who “like” Mike Rowe. Oh man, do I ever have a “dirty” job for him! But it’s no good for the show because they couldn’t show it on Discovery – if you know what I mean and I think you do.
DS-
They’ve done (hur hur) bull, pig, and horse semen collection, at least that I’ve seen.
Mike Rowe is layers upon layers of sexy.
That $423/week (and a guarantee that you’ll get your job back if you’ve been with your employer for one year) is what’s guaranteed by the federal government. Many employers offer better benefits. My last employer offered one year’s maternity leave at 75% of full pay for anyone who had been there one year, 90% at three years, and 100% at five years, IIRC.