Covers that… suck

Sarah: Yeah, I got yer “disdain” right here. I got disdain for your weird bony ribs, your nasty flat hair, and your itchy-looking man-pelt. Not to mention your abnormally-long neck.

Candy: Look, it’s one thing to be stalking hot ladies while undead. It’s another to do it while so undead, your arms are decomposing.

Or do vampires get leprosy, too?

Sarah: There’s the obligatory extended-neck pose, the hot-colored background, the full moon, the shirtness dude. But she looks… bored. He’s not even looking at her carotid. He’s looking at her right boob like, “Oh, look. Another titty. And it’s not as big as mine.” (And are his nipples too high or is that a spot on the graphic?)

And she’s got this expression on her face like, “*Sigh* Go ahead. Bite my neck, whatever. Just don’t stain my dress.” These must be the two most underwhemled vampire romance protagonists ever.

Candy: Homegirl’s arching away with that look on her face because the dude? Has blood breath like you will not believe.

Sarah: “I am zee most handsome vampire in all zee world. Gaze upon my manly chestes hairs. Long to play the laces on my shirt like a lute, using only your teeth. But I do not want to suck your blood. I want to steal zee hair care products from your cabinet. Damn. I am the smooth.”

Candy: The only way this guy could look any more gay would be if you strapped a sparkly purple dildo to his head. Again, I blame Anne Rice.

Sarah: BWAHAHAHAHAH Hair of the Dog? Is that a less-than-flattering endorsement of the heroine’s looks? Metal-headed vampire Trent Reznor is cursed – to go back for more of Thorina’s blood to cure his hangover, cursing every step because she is so almighty ugly!

Candy: Colossus’ fey younger brother starts posing as a vampire to get more chicks. All he can snag is that one desperate high school senior with the wonky teeth, but he’ll take what he can get, thankyouverymuch.

Comments are Closed

  1. Tonda says:

    These are prime examples of why they don’t put chest hair on the dudes gracing (is that the right word?) the covers of romance novels.


  2. shiloh says:

    now i like the susan sizemore cover… i love the colors, the pose… however once you pointed it out, I do see that kind of bored expression on her face… lol

    But the other ones…. hmmmm… i’d say dead on.

    and a vamp with leprosy… eeeewwwww :grrr:

  3. *snicker*

    Ya gotta wonder what the folks at Changeling Press are thinking…

  4. Anna says:

    How are they doing the artwork?  They look like Sims.

  5. Gabriele says:

    Yikes, that last one looks likes a Publish America cover with a totally botched Photoshop job.  :bug:

  6. CindyS says:

    In the last one, the skin from the woman’s breasts looks like it has been peeled back.  Yetch!

    Disdain, indeed.  Dead Eyes should be the title!


  7. Shannon says:

    *sigh*  There’s always at least one of the snarked covers each week which I actually like, therefore keeping that “OMG, I’m a freak!” voice screaming in my head.  Wouldn’t want that voice to get bored.

    This week it’s The Shadow Prince.  Despite my now seeing him as a sparkly purple dildo unicorn, I actually like that cover.

    And just because Data from Star Trek got a bad wig and a job as the mammogram machine prep tech is no reason to make fun of him.

  8. I was fine until the last cover, Hair of the Dog.  What a way to diss the heroine!

    And yeah, I’m with Tonda.  Chest hair in real life—yes.  Chest hair on dudes on covers—eh, not such a good idea.

  9. Trudi says:

    Two things:
    1. I thought the Shadow Princess was Fabian Basabe.
    2. Don´t mess with Trent. Just kidding.  ;-P

    Trudi 😛

  10. Laura Kinsale says:

    No no no, you are WRONG, SB’s, The Shadow Prince cover is great. ;P I wish I’d had one that decent for Shadowheart.  (As an aside, I don’t think the guy in that book is actually a vampire?  I think he’s a mage of some sort.)

    LK, wistfully wishing she could have a cool cover for once…

  11. Fair says:

    Doesn’t The Shadow Prince look like a member of Kiss? Just add white face makeup…

  12. Doug Hoffman says:

    Sarah, how can you sully the name of my homeboy Trent Reznor? He’s gonna kick your ass. Or write a song about you, whichever’s worse.

  13. Raina_Dayz says:

    Consider this my official vote for the shadow prince as hot hot hot.

  14. Shannon says:

    YES!  I’m not a freak!

    (Or if I am, I’m not the only one *g*)

  15. Candy says:

    OK, OK, I’ll confess: the dude for the Shadow Prince is really cute. If, in real life, he came up to me and told me to spank him like the bad boy he is and make him my dirty little sex monkey, there’s a better-than-average chance I’d swarm on him like white on rice.

    But that pose. And that SHIRT. Anyone who wears it just screams “I will spend more time gaying it up at assorted Ren Faires than interacting meaningfully with you.”

  16. Karen says:

    You are just too funny.  My dog – who is used to relative silence while I’m working – is now freaked by the laughter.  Note to self – warn dog in the future.  Second note to self – send Godiva to Art Director.

  17. I think the Disdain chap is a poor confused vamp/werewolf half-breed. Those red marks are his self-abuse scars.

    Not that kind of self-abuse.

    And I like the Shadow Prince as well. Even if he is very very pouty.

  18. Saraswathi says:

    Mr. Disdain is a key example of… What do you call it?  Scrolldown terror? 

    When the page firzst loaded, I thought, “Hm.  Girl wearing chainmail vest.  Interesting.”  And then I scrolled down, stared in horror, then hid my eyes.  Ew.

  19. Tonda says:

    I think the Disdain chap is a poor confused vamp/werewolf half-breed. Those red marks are his self-abuse scars.

    I think those are supposed to be tattoos, to show how cool he is. I swear to god, I once went out with a guy who aspires to be this undead cover dude (how else to you explain a grown man who sends a head shot of himslef to Ann Rice cause he thinks he looks so much like Louis she’d want to meet him? Die geek! DIE!).

  20. I cannot hope to rival the excellent snark already here. But I’m going to add my twopence anyway.

    Disdain: “I disdain you with my cold, dead, Poser eyes.” Seriously, though, this looks like the head from one of Doug’s dream girls grafted onto an anorexic caveman’s body. And that don’t look like tattoos to me- they look like some sort of weird scabies rash.

    Crave the Night The only thing the dude on the cover is craving is necrophilia. I mean, come on, look at her NECK! It’s BROKEN!

    The Shadow Prince I do see how this could have been a good try for a cover. But that shirt just screams “con whore” at me. I’m sorry. But it does.

    Hair of the Dog How about “Hair of the Disgusting CheapAss Bionic Poser Cover Models From The Land Of Star Trek FanFic”?

    No, really, man. This looks like Data slash fic. Only thing is, it’s Data and Wesley Crusher after Wes got himself that sex change he’s been wanting and changed his name to Wanda. What is Data whispering? “Take it like a bitch, you little Captain’s pet!” ? That would be my guess.

    Last but not least, what the hell is this title referring to? Is it the hair of the doggie-style position the Poser model in front looks so underthrilled by? Are both these bionic models drunk on fermented antifreeze? Or is the silver dude wearing a mask because behind it he’s disfigured by some weird genetic hair thing?

    I just wonder, that’s all. Just wondering. *snerk*

  21. Charlie says:

    I have read this post three times and laughed each time 🙂  You should publish a website that SOLELY covers bad romance novel covers.  I’m sure there is an endless supply.

  22. Victoria Dahl says:

    I am just staring at Disdain, thinking of the poor author. Can you even imagine if they did this to your hero? This hot, manly, lovable guy you’ve poured your heart and soul (and maybe some other parts) into, and they give you an ultra-femme bottom for your cover model? Then – what? -they glue on cyber chesthair to try to man him up? UGH!

  23. An ultra-femme bottom with extra-long thumbs, I might add.

    Speaking of disgusting hands, the Hair of the Dog guy is actually Nesferatu, I think. *gag*

  24. The Disdain one is so androgynous and plastic that it is creepy.  And not in a good way. *shudder*

  25. Raina_Dayz says:

    Oh if only all renfaire dorks looked like that guy.  I would be a renfaire junkie too.

  26. Soni says:

    **Colossus’ fey younger brother starts posing as a vampire to get more chicks.**

    But, of course, we now know that doesn’t work:

    “Dressing Like a Vampire Rarely Effective, Study Reveals”

  27. CindyS says:

    Wow Soni, that article just popped my gothic cherry!

    I thought goths were just people who wore black clothing and were pale in the face and shit.  But, no, apparently they follow Satan (I’m thinking not all goths do but…).

    The guy goth is upset because his family doesn’t want him at the funeral.  Uh yeah, who would want to hear his comments on how gramma isn’t in a better place.  No thank you!!


  28. Amira says:

    ‘Hair of the Dog’? What the…

    CindyS; I too thought that her boobs were missing some skin.
    Perhaps just a really weird bikini top?


  29. Jeri says:

    On first glance I thought Disdain dude’s tatoos were on his chest.

    If the Crave the Night guy would wake up for a second, he’d realize that he really ought to support his lover’s neck or her chiropractor will have a fit. 

    Speaking of necks, that’s what Data really wants to steal from the Dog, because he needs one to hold up his disembodied head.

  30. Pryytaynsious Whainquerre stood proud and tall, his slimly elegant body silhouetted against the dusky sky that loomed above the sleeping city. He sneered, coldly. The night was his kingdom, his territory to roam. Briefly, he enjoyed the sensuous feel of his silky hair against his neck. The hot oil treatment had worked wonders on his split ends, now that he’d disciplined his hairdresser for using holy oil on his tresses. Next time he saw the Shadow Prince, he would disdainfully mock the bastard to his face for his fluffy locks.

    Better yet was his highly effective new outfit. His leather trousers were so tight that they forced the all excess flesh up his back to a hump held in place by the straps of his chest-pelt perruque. He noted the reminder scrawled in red pen on his forearms: “Glide – don’t run. Avoid jiggle.” His stylist assured him that the hump exactly resembled powerfully muscled shoulders, and in no way looked as if he was preparing to give birth to an alien child from between his dorsal muscles.

    He hitched his thumbs into his belt loops, pulling the girdle even tighter. A child! Even the agony of this constriction could not dull the burning ache in his heart. Children were so rare amongst his people that he would treasure any tentacled alien lifeform that sprang from his loins. His race was dying, the men unable to conceive, and yet no one knew why. He alone believed the solution must be a mystic union with a beautiful traumatised psychic human female who lisped, charmingly.

    He had to find her soon, to prevent disaster. Already some traitors were muttering in secret that a return to the ways of a bygone age was the solution to the males’ fertility problem. Their twisted logic appalled him, but even now some of the bolder conspirators were daring to wear looser leggings. He shuddered at the thought. If these fanatics got their way, they would bring about the comeback hell of men’s harem pants.

  31. “Pryytaynsious Whainquerre”?

    Auntie Peril, I bow before thee.

    *dies laughing*

  32. Candy says:

    He alone believed the solution must be a mystic union with a beautiful traumatised psychic human female who lisped, charmingly.


    Ohmigod. I think I broke something.

    It hurts.

  33. Yeah… he’s searchyng for luurrvve with hys companions Teedyus Whaynayre and Wynjyngg Paunsse. Together(re) they are the Brotherhoode of Bluuddyye Maunnyngg Ptausserres, whose creed will not let them spell an “i”-sound with any other letter but “y” lest they ynvoke demons from the fyery pyts of hell and bryngge about the end of the wyrld.

    They are also cursed by the occasyonalle random doubling of consonants and use of sylent “e”s. Theyr contynual monytoryng of speech and wrytyng means they are yncapable of any levyty, happyness or delyght, and must constantly take themselves very very seryously. Only by fyndyng theyr true loves can they bryng alternate vowels back ynto theyr lyffe.

  34. Theyr contynual monytoryng of speech and wrytyng means they are yncapable of any levyty, happyness or delyght, and must constantly take themselves very very seryously.

    So THAT’S what’s wrong with floppy-shirted romance heroes! It’s vowel shortage!

  35. fiveandfour says:

    Thanks EvilAuntiePeril – I just laughed until I cried…and possibly broke an abdominal muscle.

  36. Feklar says:

    I would like to ad the following (Emma Holly’s Courting Midnight) to the list of covers.

    I mean really, you’d think the world’s oldest, boredest, depressedest vampire would have enough self-respect to avoid that California surfer-boy bleech job and the K-Mart Holloweenie cape.

  37. Candy says:

    Yeah… he’s searchyng for luurrvve with hys companions Teedyus Whaynayre and Wynjyngg Paunsse. Together(re) they are the Brotherhoode of Bluuddyye Maunnyngg Ptausserres(…)

    This? Is the funniest friggin’ thing I’ve read all week.

    Which leads me to this question: Why is that these vampires have these complex societies and brotherhoods, but are still lonelier than a goth boy in rural Montana? And why is it that, after hundreds and hundreds of years of picturesque desperation and not being able to connect meaningfully with the hundreds—no, THOUSANDS—of good looking, decent females they must’ve encountered, the whole stinking lot of them find everlasting glory with the right chick within five years of each other?

    The world may never know.

  38. Candy says:

    OMG, Feklar, I saw that cover the other day and I immediately thought “Dear God, what have they done to Billy Idol?”

  39. Amanda says:

    I must bow to EvilAuntiePeril’s superior sense of snark. I went through half a box of tissues reading that post.

    Isn’t hair on the dog some kind of weird folk hangover remedy?! The guy on the Disdain cover looks like the art dept. pasted a chick’s head on a guy’s body & then gave him a bad case of eczema.

  40. SB Sarah says:

    Oh my God. The vampyre with muffin-top. 


Comments are closed.

By posting a comment, you consent to have your personally identifiable information collected and used in accordance with our privacy policy.

↑ Back to Top