Sarah: Yeah, I got yer “disdain” right here. I got disdain for your weird bony ribs, your nasty flat hair, and your itchy-looking man-pelt. Not to mention your abnormally-long neck.
Candy: Look, it’s one thing to be stalking hot ladies while undead. It’s another to do it while so undead, your arms are decomposing.
Or do vampires get leprosy, too?
Sarah: There’s the obligatory extended-neck pose, the hot-colored background, the full moon, the shirtness dude. But she looks… bored. He’s not even looking at her carotid. He’s looking at her right boob like, “Oh, look. Another titty. And it’s not as big as mine.” (And are his nipples too high or is that a spot on the graphic?)
And she’s got this expression on her face like, “*Sigh* Go ahead. Bite my neck, whatever. Just don’t stain my dress.” These must be the two most underwhemled vampire romance protagonists ever.
Candy: Homegirl’s arching away with that look on her face because the dude? Has blood breath like you will not believe.
Sarah: “I am zee most handsome vampire in all zee world. Gaze upon my manly chestes hairs. Long to play the laces on my shirt like a lute, using only your teeth. But I do not want to suck your blood. I want to steal zee hair care products from your cabinet. Damn. I am the smooth.”
Candy: The only way this guy could look any more gay would be if you strapped a sparkly purple dildo to his head. Again, I blame Anne Rice.
Sarah: BWAHAHAHAHAH Hair of the Dog? Is that a less-than-flattering endorsement of the heroine’s looks? Metal-headed vampire Trent Reznor is cursed – to go back for more of Thorina’s blood to cure his hangover, cursing every step because she is so almighty ugly!
Candy: Colossus’ fey younger brother starts posing as a vampire to get more chicks. All he can snag is that one desperate high school senior with the wonky teeth, but he’ll take what he can get, thankyouverymuch.