Covers that… suck

Sarah: Yeah, I got yer “disdain” right here. I got disdain for your weird bony ribs, your nasty flat hair, and your itchy-looking man-pelt. Not to mention your abnormally-long neck.

Candy: Look, it’s one thing to be stalking hot ladies while undead. It’s another to do it while so undead, your arms are decomposing.

Or do vampires get leprosy, too?

Sarah: There’s the obligatory extended-neck pose, the hot-colored background, the full moon, the shirtness dude. But she looks… bored. He’s not even looking at her carotid. He’s looking at her right boob like, “Oh, look. Another titty. And it’s not as big as mine.” (And are his nipples too high or is that a spot on the graphic?)

And she’s got this expression on her face like, “*Sigh* Go ahead. Bite my neck, whatever. Just don’t stain my dress.” These must be the two most underwhemled vampire romance protagonists ever.

Candy: Homegirl’s arching away with that look on her face because the dude? Has blood breath like you will not believe.

Sarah: “I am zee most handsome vampire in all zee world. Gaze upon my manly chestes hairs. Long to play the laces on my shirt like a lute, using only your teeth. But I do not want to suck your blood. I want to steal zee hair care products from your cabinet. Damn. I am the smooth.”

Candy: The only way this guy could look any more gay would be if you strapped a sparkly purple dildo to his head. Again, I blame Anne Rice.

Sarah: BWAHAHAHAHAH Hair of the Dog? Is that a less-than-flattering endorsement of the heroine’s looks? Metal-headed vampire Trent Reznor is cursed – to go back for more of Thorina’s blood to cure his hangover, cursing every step because she is so almighty ugly!

Candy: Colossus’ fey younger brother starts posing as a vampire to get more chicks. All he can snag is that one desperate high school senior with the wonky teeth, but he’ll take what he can get, thankyouverymuch.

Comments are Closed

  1. SandyW says:

    Okay, I have been seriously traumatized by the nasty computer-generated covers.

    Does anyone really think those cheap CGI covers are the least bit attractive? If I was, through some divine miracle, to get a book published, I would MUCH rather have some nice floral/abstract/stock photo/plain color on the cover. Anything other than these creepy creatures.

    I’m gonna have nightmares over that Hair of the Dog guy.

  2. Maman says:

    For the Hair of the Dog book… please tell me there is a scene in it a al “When Harry Met Sally”

    Harry Burns: You know how a year to a person is like seven years to a dog?
    Sally Albright: Is one of us supposed to be a DOG in this scenario?
    Harry Burns: Yes.
    Sally Albright: Who is the dog?
    Harry Burns: You are.
    Sally Albright: I am? I am the dog? I am the dog?

  3. Alyssa says:

    Hair of the Dog is a bad enough title, but that cover? Truly awful.

    Thanks for the addition, EvilAuntie. That was terrific.

  4. Keishon says:

    That “Disdain” Cover by Hill is truly horrific.

  5. Aimey says:

    i can’t seem to get around to reviewing before…. almost two weeks.

    anywho, the “Hair of the Dog” one looks like their’s some bird/bug claw grasping the tit on our right.

    Also with the spelling vampyre as apposed to vampire,

    pyre (pr)n.
    1. A heap of combustibles for burning a corpse as a funeral rite.
    2. A pile of combustibles

    hence the explanation to people who ask why the y:  a vampire is an undead blood-sucker, a vampyre is what you get when you set said blood-sucker ablaze.

  6. Tabby says:

    I believe Disdain is not so much a vampire as a weregrungester.

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