Goofy Names, A New Title Generator, And a New Contest

Check out the goofy names here.

Seems a noble historian named Rene Jackaman researched funky names in the local records office in Cornwall after coming across a real life “Horatio Hornblower.”

“Oh, ho!,” thought SB Sarah. A contest beckons!

So SB Candy, in her wily wisdom, created a title generator, which you see below. And we came up with a Smart Bitch Contest!

Le Rules!

1. You shall select a name from the Yahoo!News article above

2. You shall generate a title from the script below

3. You shall write the Luuuuuurveâ„¢ scene from the book of that title, featuring that character by name

4. You shall email the Luuuuuurveâ„¢ scene to Sarah or Candy

Entries due: Monday Sept. 19

We shall post an entry with the contestant's submissions, and allow the SBTB Bitchery (that'd be you, noble readers) to vote on the winner. Winners will be announced Friday, Sept. 23.

Le Prize!

Since we've been fortunate to receive a lovely number of advertisers (thank you advertisers!), we are able to offer a fabulous pair of prizes!

The winner shall receive a Smart Bitch Titleâ„¢ of their very own, along with a $10 gift certificate to

So, start your engines, and please email your entries to us – don't post them in the comments. We wouldn't want to miss one accidentally!

In case that article goes offline, here are the names found in the Cornwall County Record Office census records:

Horatio Hornblower
Azubia Hornblower
Constantia Hornblower
Jecoliah Hornblower
Jedidah Hornblower
Jerusha Hornblower
Erastus Hornblower
Abraham Thunderwolff
Freke Dorothy Fluck Lane
Boadicea Basher
Philadelphia Bunnyface
Faithful Cock
Susan Booze
Elizabeth Disco
Edward Evil
Fozzitt Bonds
Truth Bullock
Charity Chilly
Gentle Fudge
Obedience Ginger
Offspring Gurney
Levi Jeans
Nicholas Bone and Priscilla Skin
Charles Swine and Jane Ham
John Mutton and Ann Veale
Richard Dinner and Mary Cook

Your next bestseller should be titled:


Comments are Closed

  1. Robyn says:

    Abraham Thunderwolff? I’m wheezing.

  2. E.D'Trix says:

    I think I just broke something… Gentle Fudge is my new hero.

  3. Maili says:

    When I moved into a new house in a Essex town years ago, a lovely elderly couple from next door came over to introduce themselves and I already knew their names [Richard and Francesca]. So I managed to keep my face straight when one said, “Please do call us Dick and Fanny”, but when I learned their surname, I almost died. It’s ‘Hawker’.

    [Regrettably, Dick passed away a couple of years ago and Fanny not long after. They were lovely, *lovely* people. *sniffle*]

  4. fiveandfour says:

    Someone has to use Faithful Cock!

  5. e says:

    Sweet! I’m excited.

  6. Stef2 says:

    My all-time favorite name – Dick Loveless.  He’s a divorce attorney in Dallas.  Not kidding.

  7. Philadelphia Bunnyface, my next heroine!

  8. Candy says:

    I’m pretty sure I’ve told this story before, but here I am, trotting it out again:

    A co-worker of mine went to school with a boy named Harry.

    Last name, Dangler.

    They happened to sign up for the army together. Where bright young Harry rapidly rose through the ranks and became…


    Major Harry Dangler.

  9. Robyn says:


    When my sister was 17, she introduced my Dad’s high school buddy to some friends as Bob Dicksey.

    His name was Bob Coxsey. She was soooo grounded.

  10. Alison S says:

    I have a friend who used to teach maths in a fairly rough suburb of London. Among the pupils was a boy from India called Ramatul Upabum. The poor guy’s English wasn’t really up to understanding the jokes about him. Which was probably just as well.

  11. E.D'Trix says:

    Man, Ramatul Upabum… that makes my classmate Jim Shu look like the luckiest man in the world!

  12. mapletree7 says:

    Philadelphia Bunnyface is definitely the most stripper-like name on the list.

  13. Rosina says:

    You’ve heard about the guy who went into the army and didn’t pay attention to the instructions on the first form he had to fill out. Instructions: Write your name exactly as you want it to be recorded in all records and databases. This cannot be changed.

    The guy writes: FIRST NAME: R. (only) MIDDLE NAME: B. (only) LAST NAME: Jones

    And for his whole army career he was known officially as Ronly Bonly Jones.

    You guys come up with much better contests than anybody else.

  14. Amy E says:

    I knew a lady named Cherry Dickey.  And there’s a urologist in Austin named Dick Chopp.  Don’t believe me?  From his website: Areas of Special Interest: Dr. Richard (Dick) Chopp is well known in the Austin community for performing Vasectomies.

  15. SB Sarah says:

    I have a friend who did local cable access spots for Dr. Hymen, a prominent ob/gyn.


  16. Kate R says:

    I’m amused by the real name of Rizbah Bizbee, one of my husband’s ancestors, but it’s not obscene. How about Dr. Hand the foot surgeon? No? Not funny? How about….I went to school with a girl named Yendis. Her father was Sidney and she was named after him, sort of.

    Never mind.

    Clearly I have to get out more.

  17. Danielle says:

    The Toronto doctor who does penis enlargement surgeries is named Stubbs. STG.

  18. Doug Hoffman says:

    In Medford, Oregon, we have two oral surgeons: Dr. Savage and Dr. Slaughter.

  19. Soni says:

    Mom’s favorite obit from her stint at the local paper: Orel Fagg

  20. StargazerC says:

    When I was in high school there was a city wide student newspaper.  The editor was a Peter Wacker.  Yeah, poor kid.  Putting in my foot in my mouth, I made a comment in a group of people at my school (he didn’t go to mine) and his cousin was a classmate of mine.


    Btw, my favorite is Freke Dorothy Fluck Lane.

  21. celeste says:

    What’s the word number range on the scene? And will entries be posted anonymously for judging?

    (Yeah, my head’s stuck in RWA contest-land these days.)

  22. celeste says:

    Grrr…that should’ve been word count, not number.

  23. Becca says:

    When I went to Michigan State University (mumble mumble) years ago, I took a course in Wilderness Survival from Captain Savage and Professor Risk. How could I not?

    talk about romance heros: Captain Savage had an eyepatch and was… very romantic. Professor Risk wasn’t hard on the eyes either.

  24. Candy says:

    “What’s the word number range on the scene?”

    Hmmm. We didn’t set one this time. I guess we’ll leave it to your discretion.

    As for anonymous posting—good idea.

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