Poor Lord Mantitte: he’s a buxom Lord, AND a pirate. But since he comes equipped with his own personal flotation devices, he is never lost at sea.
Sarah: Eyepatch? Check. Shirtless in the balmy moonlight? Check. But what’s in his hand? I see the cutlass is grasped in his left hand but if you look below the “P” and the “i” in “Pirate,” you see something long and flesh-colored in his right hand extending all the way down to his knee.
Whoa.
His yardarm? Apparently not an arm.
Candy: WHOA. That cleavage is out of control. Perhaps this is petty jealousy on my part, but I really don’t want to fantasize about anyone who has juicier cleavage than I do.
I do love how the points of the T are covering his nipples. Froofy-ass hair blowing in the wind? Check. Sassy McSash that’s all red and flowy and shit? Check. Giant overcompensatory cutlass? Check. Armband? Check. Nipples showing? NO, THAT WOULD BE TOO GAY.
Sarah: Dude. She’s dead. You killed her with your stanky swamp breath. And you have a fever, so you’re next. Nothing like some in-the-throes-of-death clinch covers.
Candy: Look, all I’m saying is, smearing yourself in Crisco because you ran out of sunblock is a bad idea.
Sarah: If Abercrombie & Fitch did romance covers, I imagine they’d be modeled like this. These two look utterly disinterested.
My question is, what precisely is holding up his pants? Is he sucking in his gut to impress the lady? Because it looks like there’s a good three to four inches between his waistline and his hairless belly.
Nice outie belly button, by the way. Does his outie need an eyepatch??
Candy: You know, if they had black turtlenecks on instead of pirate regalia, I’d expect them to ask me if I wanted to touch their monkey.
Sarah: No eyepatch, no shirt half-undone yet tucked in…. How am I supposed to know he’s a pirate? By his manly pirate mullet? I bet SHE’s the pirate. Her shirt’s half undone.
Candy: By his manly cutlass, of course, Sarah. Also, his gold satin sash.
Oddly enough, this is also one of the answers to “What do pirates and drag queens have in common?”
is it just me, or is the Pirate of her own Heath Ledger?
seriously .
Good Lord. Cover # 1—please let it be moonlight on his be-breeched thigh. *crosses fingers*
Also…the blurb in the corner just brings back the horrific memory of Viking! which had a HORRID cover and who the hell puts an exclamation mark in their TITLE and I despised the characters and the concept could have done decently in better hands but good GOD that was hamfisted and I think I’m a masochist for even making myself give Connie Mason a CHANCE.
*gasps for air*
That’ll learn me.
First, another excellent round of snarkery. Second, since I’m new to the genre, would any members of the Bitchery be able to explain to me just who’s driving the use of these horrid clinch covers? Do the publishers think we find these covers attractive? Do readers just put up with them in order to get the stories inside? Or have the mantitties gone the way of the dodo and the examples Candy and Sarah highlight are just of a certain vintage?
Stricken-blind
confused readers want to know!
Chicklet, I think there is a post modernist explanation about tropes, codes, lexicons and economies of exchange but me, I’ve just grown to love them. Those crazy romance cover designers, what a bunch of funsters!
HOW in the era before laundry products did they get those shirts so white? Especially pirate no. 2. Could this be an idea for the history channel? Laundry Secrets of the Pirates.
Not to mention the lovely angle of the railing behind Pirate #4 and his rose.
Maybe if he didn’t have to drive AND gaze seductively at the same time he could even that ship out. At least he got to flex those manly muscles…
On the Mason book? I’ve got to go with the yardarm guess. The other’s just too, too, scary.
Whew, Dizmo. Before you pointed out that was the railing, I thought he’d just put his sword through her. Now I can tell that he only used it to slash her shirt open. That’s so much more reassuring.
Oh, and kpsr., I’ve got that Pirate Of Her Own book and have always thought that hero had one of the most attractive faces in any painted cover. He’s a hottie. I’d totally do him, horrible pirate fashion sense or no. Of course, I’d also do Heath Ledger. (Well really, who wouldn’t?)
I thought the Pirate of Her Own was Harry Hamlin.
Whoever he is he owns a blouse frillier than any I’ve ever possessed.
I don’t know about Heath Ledger, but I want a pirate of my own!
HOW in the era before laundry products did they get those shirts so white? Especially pirate no. 2. Could this be an idea for the history channel? Laundry Secrets of the Pirates.
Dew bleaching is something mentioned in the Anne of Green Gables books. Maybe the pirates did that?
…excuse me while I go weep for my childhood.
Despite the fact that most of the famous historical pirates are known by the color of their beards (Blue, Black, etc.) all these pirates are remarkably clean-shaven. And I’m not just talking about their chests.
Only pirate #1 seems to be getting a start on some good, old-fashioned, low-maintenance-because-after-all-we’re-at-sea-where-there’s-a-shortage-of-hot-water, man-style facial hair.
I thought the Pirate of Her Own looked just like Tom Berenger.
The woman in Pirate of Her Own looks like Finola Hughes—Anna from the waaay back years of “General Hospital.” She might be on another soap now.
And cover #2—look at his teeny tiny left hand. EEW!
#4—you can tell he’s a pirate because of his pirate cabin boy waiting for him in the top left corner. He’s just gotta get that female off his left and they can Scissor Sister together.
#1 Sorry string at that angle isn’t going to hold on the eyepatch. So flaming gay he wouldn’t pose with a girl, is his armband on the s or d side? I forget.
#2 he’s a hunchback.
#3 Yes Sarah he is sucking it in, and Candy nailed the facial expression. Is this a time travel book? Love those modern low rise pants, gotta be spandex to stay on.
#4 Yup, she’s the pirate…she’s also sexually aggressive, that’s why he’s hanging on the rail waiting for her do do him.
I can see Tom Berenger, but my first impression was of Val Kilmer, especially his mouth. Yummy either way!
First, you guys are a riot!
I think they were trying to be historically accurate in #3. If they smiled, they’d be toothless.
And the chest waxing business must have been booming in the port cities.
No. 4 there has not just a mullet but a pompadour. I don’t recall Elvis being a big influence on pirate couture. Or Jet Li, for that matter.
Maybe the stripping Charles II in the top left-hand corner has a thing for big hair. He seems to like his own.
She may have a Pie-Rat of her own, but she’d be better off with a lifeboat. The sails are flapping loose and the wheel doesn’t seem to be attached to anything. Maybe they’ve already run aground?
Cover #1—Come on! That’s obviously his leg. In fact, it looks like he has nothing between his legs.
And why did they use the horizontal part of the “t” to cover his nipples. Male nipples are allowed to be shown, last time I checked. Female nipples…not so much (unless you get porno mag or those uncut movie channels on TV).
Cover #2—I think the woman is either Brooke Shields (the thick eyebrows) or a man (the Adam’s apple is covered by the shadow of her chin, but it is there—unless she got surgery to remove it, but I don’t know if that’s even possible)
Cover #3—Not much to say, except the wench looks barely legal and that green dress she has on I want.
Cover #4—How could anyone not notice that the woman clinging to the man is obviously a man? Look at that muscular back and that too-hideous-to-be-female mullet hairstyle. Even the face looks way off.
My question is, what precisely is holding up his pants?
As usual, the best explanation comes from a ten-year-old boy: “It’s pirate magic! Or maybe the woman’s doing it. Holding his pants up, I mean.”
(Thanks, Brother!)
Oh dear God. I think I’ve read that first one . . . the girl’s name was Bliss, the guy’s name was Guy and he had a secret identity as a pirate named “Hunter,” there was a secret freaking baby and fainting during orgasm. It was horribly, horribly bad.