Help A Bitch Out

HaBO: Binging on The Free Romances Again, Eh?

HaBOThis might a tough one. Maria is looking for a book she really didn't like but can't get out of her head. (I have so been there.)

I need a HaBO intervention! So I went through a phase about a year ago where I realized I was basically Pokemon-ing the free romance books over on Amazon. If I'm being honest, I'm still not over that phase. The problem is occasionally I'll read a good (or good enough) one and then the hoarding starts again.

In the midst of my free e-book hoarding I read the book I am requesting help for. It was NOT a good book, in fact it royally pissed me off and I'm pretty sure I deleted it in a fit of rage but now it's stuck in my head and I need the title to get it the eff out!

So I beseech you, help a bitch out, because I'm going a little crazy over here and it's starting to disturb my dogs.

Synopsis:
Our heroine is a college student who suddenly finds herself to be soooo poor because her parents have died and it is revealed they had poor estate planning and lived well beyond their means. So our girl is living on ramen and peanut butter when she runs into a Bad Boy!

His tattoos are sooo bad but his eyes are sooo pretty, what's a girl to do? We'll she rushes off to her job (spray tan place I believe) and gets fired and later, evicted from her apartment. Her BFF (a spunky blonde who rocks pigtails) suggests she waitress at this club that her boyfriends friend owns with his brother and they set up an interview. She goes to the meeting and lo and behold, it's our Bad Boy Hearthrob.

He ends up hiring her, they become buddies (although it's clear he wants to set up residence in her lady pants town) and eventually he moves her into his home, right down the hallway from the master suite. Everyone is super shocked because he's a fickle beast who allows no one near his private quarters, even his brother lives in the basement and dares not wander upstairs.

They live happily together and she teaches him about normal things like Christmas and brunch. He takes her on an outing/date where they make out in the snow, awwww so sweet. He tries to sex her up but she puts on the brakes because she's a scared little virgin but he throws a hissy fit and rushes off before she can explain her scaredy virgin-ness to him.

She runs after him only to find him banging a mutual acquaintance doggie style in his office at the club. She's horrified because he doesn't seem to be enjoying it at all and also because he's banging someone else. She runs off after a tussle with the security guard and goes back to their shared abode where she takes a sad girl bubble bath and totally blames herself for his philandering ways.

He comes in and she tells him about her virginity and he bangs her and everything is puppies and rainbows BUT WAIT!

It turns out his family runs an underground mma/fight club thing in the basement of their club with him as the prizefighter (it's a family legacy dontchaknow) and she HATES FIGHTING ( just because, no mention of nonviolence beliefs or brain injuries here, she just doesn't like it) so she throws a fit of her own and he's like “baby, that was my last fight” and she's like “ok, more sex now please”

The End.

Please let this book be called Lady Pants Town. Please. PLEASE.  

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Help a Bitch Out

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  1. 1
    Tammy J Palmer says:

    He’s not enjoying it? Hahahahahah…..wish I could help you out.

  2. 2
    Dread Pirate Rachel says:

    That sounds truly stunning in its terribleness. I hope somebody knows what it is; I’ve been craving some rage-bait lately.

  3. 3
    Shayera says:

    Is it Enraptured by Alannah Carbonneau?
    I’ve only read the end, but it sounds about right.

  4. 4
    cleo says:

    It really sounds like a mashup of every NA ever released.  I’ve only read a couple NA, but I compulsively read the reviews and I swear I’ve read reviews of multiple books with poor virgin heroines and rich, mma fighter asshole “heroes.”  Not that that’s very helpful :)

  5. 5
    Maria says:

    Shayera it is, it is so enraptured! I remember now thinking that it should be called enraged instead. Because that’s how it made me feel. I’m so happy I could give you a socially awkward hug right now (like an air hug with rapid back pats, in case you wanted to know.) It’s still free at amazon btw in case anyone else wants to ride the crazy train to lady pants town. When I’m a billionaire mma fighter I’ll buy one of those towns that are for sale on eBay and name it that. There will be free vajazzles for all.

  6. 6
    CC says:

    Anyone else thinking Maria might make a good guest reviewer? :-)

  7. 7

    He comes in and she tells him about her virginity and he bangs her and everything is puppies and rainbows

    Hehe. Let’s just say…this doesn’t sound like my cup of tea.

  8. 8
    Shayera says:

    Maria, happy to help! I picked it up on the free as well. All my years of end reading finally come in useful!

  9. 9
    Ova says:

    That sounds like what would happen if a Heather Wells mystery went to bizzaro world. I agree with CC, Maria would be a great guest reviewer.

  10. 10
    Maria says:

    Aww thanks guys. I would love to guest review someplace where my talents (reading whacked out stuff and staying relatively sane) were appreciated. Cause honestly, right now it’s a lot of me telling the hubs about such hidden gems as Bred By The Corpse by Georgina Moxley. It’s a lovely tale where our heroine, in a fit of grief induced horniness, thinks she can sex her dead fiancé back to life. She can’t, turns out it was just a carrion beetle making his peen move.

  11. 11
    PetiteJ says:

    @Maria Holy crap! Insect sexy times/necrophlia?  Start with reviewing THAT, please.

  12. 12
    Maria says:

    Oh, the beetle peen is honestly the sanest part. Y’all would enjoy the bejeezus out of it.

  13. 13
    Her Grace says:

    I am torn between bizarre fascination and slight squickiness over the beetle peen. If I wasn’t so busy, I’d read it just to say I’ve Read That.

  14. 14
    Sarita says:

    Eeeeeew corpse beetle sex. I would read the hell out of that review.

  15. 15
    Diana says:

    OMG! That’s just… I gots to read myself some that! A beetle? What the what-what?

    No, wait, I’d rather read the review!
    Do you take requests?
    Please? Pretty please? With sprinkles on top?

  16. 16
    Malin says:

    it’s clear he wants to set up residence in her lady pants town

    I love this phrase, and agree with all the others who have asked that you guest review one or more books.  I also agree that the book you describe sounds like a bad mash-up of every successful New Adult romance out there. It doesn’t sound very good.

  17. 17
    LaineyT says:

    Yes to the guest reviews…maybe you can give Elyse a break from getting stuck with all the Orca King-like crazysauce (although just a short one, cuz she is awesome!)

  18. 18
    denise says:

    omg, the crazysauce that goes on here…love, love, love HaBO!

  19. 19

    This synopsis is hilarious in so many ways. Nice job, Maria! The funniest thing to me was that I read this: “Everyone is super shocked because he’s a fickle beast who allows no one near his private quarters…” to mean that he wouldn’t let anyone near his precious peen and the wording just cracked me up. Until I came back to reality and read the rest of the sentence about his living arrangements. Ah, well, the rest is awesome!

  20. 20
    maybeimamazed02 says:

    Oh lord, I remember attempting to read that one (I don’t think it was free for me, but really cheap?) and wanting to throw my reader against the wall. Hello, EVERY STEREOTYPE KNOWN TO HUMANKIND. Also, I think she lost a bet and he forced her to move into his room and sleep in his bed. Now THAT’S romance!

  21. 21
    Karenmc says:

    Oh SBTB reviews, how much time you save me from crap books, while simultaneously making my click-to-buy finger started hovering over my mouse. Also, I spewed coffee on my poor keyboard over that danged beetle.

  22. 22
    Cordy says:

    This is an awesome review, and I was into it from the reveal that the heroine probably works at a spray-tan place. I don’t know why, but that really did it for me.

  23. 23
    Maria says:

    I’m in the middle of moving right now so sorry I’ve been slow with the appreciation of your appreciation of my toomanybooksHALP-itis. But as soon as I’ve managed to get more than 3 hours of sleep in a single stretch I will review the hell out of Bred By The Corpse. Oh Em Gee you guys. My sleep deprived brain was struggling to remember the actual name of this book and somehow decided that “Beetle-peen, the musical” was an appropriate replacement. And now I really want to see that play. FYI it still wouldn’t be as effed up as the book it was based off of.

  24. 24
    azteclady says:

    Another vote for the guest reviews!

    (If not here, contact me, please, and I’ll find you a venue)

  25. 25
    Ramsey Page says:

    I want to go see “Beetle-Peen the Musical”!!!  What happens if you sing his name three times?  Crazy times in Lady Pants Town Cemetery?

  26. 26
    Maria says:

    Don’t be ridiculous, you can’t just SAY beetle-peen. It must be screamed during orgasm.

  27. 27
    Ramsey Page says:

    And then he comes back to life! Of course.  Forgive me – it’s been a long time since I boinked a dead guy.  Like, since college.

  28. 28
    Malea says:

    There’s another one (Enthralled) by the same author with an equally awful blurb.

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