In order to at least attempt to restore any credibility I might have in the “*squee* I LOVE YA” department, I’m going to review a Sweet Valley High novel. Specifically, the one that was such a tease that it drove me towards romance for more direct sexual explanation: Dear Sister book 7, where Elizabeth gets in a motorcycle accident, and is in a coma for all of, I think, 2 chapters. Not that the book’s cover copy led you to believe that. The copy and blurbs make it sound like she’s going to linger for pages.
And yes, this is also the book wherein Bruce Patman puts his hand on Elizabeth’s breast – and whoa, nelly. That’s about as far as anyone got in Sweet Valley, I think.
The best part: I bought it used for .01, though I did have to pay for shipping.
The next best part? A quiz! With prizes! I have a truckload of signed books, and shall send you two for your reading pleasure, should you be able to accurately guess the following questions:
1. How long will it take SB Sarah to read this book?
2. How many pages will be dog-eared as a marker for “This page contains outrageous badness and should be referenced in review?”
3. What grade will she ultimately assign the book?
Put your guesses in the comments, and I shall post the answers in my review. She or he who guesses most accurately will get 2 signed books of romance content to add to their library.
1) 80 minutes, including breaks for eyerolling and reading choice bits out loud
2) 7 pages (kind of a short book)
3) D, probably salvaged by the fact that it was a lot of people’s “gateway drug” to real romance.
My personal favorite SVH book was the sequel to the one where a girl that looked exactly like Jessica and Liz tried to take over one twin’s life, where this crazy psycho girl ALSO has a twin and the two dark haired twins conspire to take over the SV twins’ lives. So ridiculously over the top.
Oh, I’m so looking forward to this. I hope you’ll go on to review The One Where Regina The Formerly Deaf Girl Who’s Dating Bruce Patman Does Coke Once AND DIES OMG, because that one is my very favorite SVH of all times. Oh, it’s soooooooo bad. But it did scare me and every girl I know off of coke for life.
1. 1 hour, 15 minutes
2. 60
3. C-
OMG!!!!!! SQUEEEEEEEE!!!! I LOVED this book. It was the first thing even remotely like a romance I ever read. I was either 11 or 12. I know I was in the 6th grade when it was making the rounds between my girlfriends and me. We all thought it was so dirty because of that breast groping scene. I hope like hell my own daughter will be that innocent in 5 years, but somehow I doubt that is possible in this day and age unless I lock her in her room.
Ladies, you are taking me to the way back machine. Le sigh. The Caitlin books. Man she was a stuck up bitch but I still really enjoyed her. I think because the goody goody people in those books were so cavity-causing in their righteousness, or boring. Whatever!
As for guesses:
1. 2 hours, 10 minutes
2. 28 pages
3. D
I can’t wait to read your review, Sarah!
1. taking into account being preggers, net-surfing obligations, time needed to chant new mantra “my bookdeal! my bookdeal!” and having to run around after a toddler and, i think, some catbabies (right? right?)i’m going to say: a day and a half
2.a dozen, since more would be unneccesary to give as examples in the review
3. tough one. can’t be an all-out F because that would be like shooting fish in a barrel. equally, can’t be a reverse psychology sort of A to salute spectacular baditude, since new readers might not get it. i’m going to go with a dead centre C: text, cliches, etc deserving of worse, but pulled upwards on the grade scale in recognition of the poignant role this series/this book played for so many in shaping young reading habits – it would cause too great a tsunami of backlash if graded worse among the army of bitches who remember it fondly.
the fine print: i’m not in any way suggesting that SBSara would ever skew her true evaluation to pander to the masses. what i am suggesting is that sometimes, even smart bitches can have nostalgic moments
1. 2 days (because you won’t be able to read for long at a stretch)
2. 25 pp.
3. D
I was seriously traumatized by book 6, which has the motorcycle accident at the END, with a cliffhanger. I must have been really young because just reading the next book to see what happens didn’t occur to me. I was sure that Elizabeth was permanently braindamaged now.
What a walk down memory lane! Didn’t Elizabeth wake up from the coma and start acting like Jessica? And didn’t Bruce Patman cop a feel on Jessica too, in one of the first books? Naughty Bruce. I was trying to remember the name of the girl he fell for. Someone got it—sweet, deaf Regina.
They were in HS forever. People came and went, left and moved back. Elizabeth had two super serious boyfriends…
Quiz guesses:
1) 100 min.
2)15
3)D+
90 minutes (including time for you to pass out from the pain)
25 pages (twenty in the first fifty pages, and then you will decide this is crazy and only dog-ear the very worst of the worst)
Grade: D
Did any of you read the Sweet Valley series when they went to college? I remember reading the first one where Elizabeth puts on the dreaded freshman fifteen and—-gasps!—-goes up to a size 10 instead of her perfect size 6. I blame SVH and the Babysitters’ Club for my addiction to romances that are trilogies or a series.
Here are my guesses:
1. 3 hours
2. 14 pages
3. B- because SB will think it’s not that bad.
Wow I remember this book so well. Wasn’t it Todd’s motorcycle?
And I remember the book where Jessica gets with Bruce and he cops a feel too. Man, that guy got around, lol.
Sara said: “I hope you’ll go on to review The One Where Regina The Formerly Deaf Girl Who’s Dating Bruce Patman Does Coke Once AND DIES OMG, because that one is my very favorite SVH of all times. Oh, it’s soooooooo bad. But it did scare me and every girl I know off of coke for life.”
ME TOO! I loved that book so much, it broke my heart!
1. An hour and 23 mins
2. 37 pages
3. C-
The SVH books were like crack to me when I was in my early teens. I think I may have come quite close to reading the entire series…
Can’t wait for your review Sarah!
Playing with Fire, which I think is #3 in the series I could be wrong, is the one where Bruce touches Jessica’s boob. Jessica lost her virginity in the college ones. Oh the drama!
When weeding the SVH’s at work a few years back, I admit to flipping through them for nostalgia’s sake. I only really read the first 30 and then graduated the bigger abd better things. BTW, SVH: Senior Year wasn’t half bad. Liz gets herself a bad boy boyfried Connor.
My guess:
Time to read: 65 minutes
Dog eared pages: at least 50%
Grade: D-
There was a series? Really? Was it as bad as I fondly remember the books being And were the twins blonde with blue-green eyes like the ocean?
lovelysalome, I sure _hope_ your expectations weren’t set by the Clan of the Cave Bear series.
If so, are you still pining for that 8’ foot tall, blonde-blue-eyed-hard-jawed-large-able-bodied warrior/hunter to come rescue you with his giant schlong (that would be about the size of a Stegodon’s trunk)…? Y’know, the one who just can’t go down on a women too many times in one day?
(giggle)
Did any of you read the Sweet Valley series when they went to college?
I absolutely did. I remember when Elizabeth dumped long-term boyfriend Todd in favor of a new guy whose name I can’t remember. I think it was Tim. Or Tom. Or something. And didn’t Jessica get involved with a professor? So scandalous.
Did anyone read the books about their ancestors? I remember one grandmother or great aunt ran away to the circus and one was a flapper.
150 minutes
30 pages
D
Ah sweet, sweet Sweet Valley High. Those books were passed around the 5th grade girls more than Keds and Benetton shirts!
Was that Playing With Fire book the one with the dude on the cover with the porno stache?
I read all the main series, never touched the college series – and there’s an ancestor series? Oh lord.
I remember reading the Caitlin series too – couldn’t tell you a thing about the books, but remember those covers!
My word: firm18. Don’t we all wish for the firm boobs and thighs of our 18 year old selves. Lucky sweet valley tarts are immortalized forever.
I couldn’t help myself – pornostache boy wasn’t on “Playing With Fire” – it was on this one:
I say 2 hours reading time,
28 pages,
and C+ for nostalgia and virgin boobage.
I never read SVH but I did read all six of the spinoff series the Unicorn Club—-anyone else??
I did dress up as one of the Sweet Valley Twins in fourth grade with my bff at the time! 🙂
1 day
13 pages
and
C-
Katie Dickson said: lovelysalome, I sure _hope_ your expectations weren’t set by the Clan of the Cave Bear series.
Jondular and his mammoth schlong. Yes, my expectations were warped. I was actually a little frightened by the whole thing. REALLY? That’s what people do? Like, my PARENTS do that?? Then Susan Johnson had the hero from Outlaw put special jewelry in the heroine’s magic hoohoo to make her cum while she danced at a ball. Took me years to recover, all to find out that sex is fun but pretty damn normal in comparison.
*donesharing*
3 hours, 36 minutes
29 pages dog-eared
C+
I ate these up. Also favorites: the Nancy Drew Files…even though her hair kept changing color.
Yes! I think SVH was my first brush with romance as well.
And I think those historical books about the Wakefield ancestors were called Sweet Valley Sagas. Besides doing the paternal and maternal sides of Elizabeth and Jessica’s family, there were also Sweet Valley Sagas about the Lila Fowler’s and Bruce Patman’s families. Those would be amazing to see a review of as well. Basically 80s type romance novels with no sex.
Also, I totally remember the book where Regina dies. It scarred my 13 year-old self!
—Did anyone read the books about their ancestors? I remember one grandmother or great aunt ran away to the circus and one was a flapper.—
ok, I will totally admit that I read the first 2 of the Sweet Valley Saga books. (I just looked them up on Amazon and apparently there were 4 of them.) I did, in fact, recommend the first one for review on this lovely site. Dear Sister is probably a much better choice. The great thing about the Saga books(great? really? was anything about Sweet Valley ever great?) was just how much history they could mangle or turn into a cliche in JUST ONE BOOK. Yes, one of Jessica and Elizabeth’s relatives ran away to join the circus. Yes, another set of twins were flappers. And on their dad’s side, one great great something or other was a frontiersman who married a Native American and oh, man, the fun never stops. I almost wish I still had copies of those. Almost.
oh, and aside from that pointless rant I say
1: 2 hours, 14 minutes
2: 17 pages
3: D+
Good luck.
Oh, the memories!
The Sweet Valley’s were outside of the YA section at the library beside my elementary school and I used to sneak over to get them out of an irrational fear that librarians would pounce on me if I left the children’s section.
My favorite was the miniseries where Jessica and Elizabeth were stalked by a woman who looked exactly like them, and then it turns out the woman has a twin herself. When Jessica was murdered I was so traumatized—I even cried!
1. How long will it take SB Sarah to read this book? A few hours
2. How many pages will be dog-eared as a marker for “This page contains outrageous badness and should be referenced in review?†34 pages
3. What grade will she ultimately assign the book? A++++
OMG, the Sagas. I was randomly thinking about those the other day. The twins had a brother and I remember that one of the stories had to do with his ancestor who was involved with some woman who was on the Hindenburg. And then there was the one with one of the sisters running away to San Francisco with a guy who she is going to marry the next day. She sleeps with him and then she wakes up to the great SF earthquake and I think she has to go home ashamed and pregnant.
I must find those books again. The already mentioned Regina book is solely responsible for keeping me drug free all my life.
Never read any SVH. I must have been some kind of tramp, I went straight for Wifey.
1) 92 minutes
2) 36 pages
3) D+
(I hope I didn’t repeat anyone’s guess)
1. Hour and a half 2. 67 3. D-
I suck too much at this kind of quiz, so I won’t even bother guessing.
I never read Dear Sister. I think I read the first couple of SVH books, then skipped ahead to the 70s or wherever the series was when I started reading them. (They had those girls who wrote about what the books meant to them on the inside covers. Anyone else remember this?) I did read the first couple of SVU books, but, man, did they need some copyediting.
Anyway, I don’t know how many people saw this article.
Scariest thing I read last week.
I;m hoping no one has said this already.
1, 3-4 hours tops.
2, im gonna say roughly half – call it 70 pages?
3, D
—The great thing about the Saga books(great? really? was anything about Sweet Valley ever great?) was just how much history they could mangle or turn into a cliche in JUST ONE BOOK.—
Oh man, I remember reading those too. Half of the ancestors were twins as well which was just crazy. The other great thing about them is how Jessica and Elizabeth’s maternal and paternal ancestors basically kept falling in love and then having tragic things happen to keep them apart just so one day Jessica and Elizabeth’s parents could get married without being related. And in the Sagas Jessica and Elizabeth’s mother was engaged to Bruce Patman’s father until she broke it off to be with Jessica and Elizabeth’s Dad.
The historical cliches were crazy—the flapper, having one ancestor die on the Hindenburg, their grandmother was a French resistance fighter (whose true love tragically dies as they try to escape France), one becomes a movie star…and lots of twins betraying their twins (all over different guys of course) in them too!!
And I am sad to say I also read the Lila Fowler and Bruce Patman Sagas. The Fowler one was pretty crazy. Her ancestors were French nobility who almost all die in the French Resistance and then a few generations later there is a romance between one Lila’s ancestors who works as a servant and the son of the family she works for. Wow, this almost makes me want to find one just to see how they would seem to me now.
Stop it Lindsey! You’re making me want to revisit the books too. LOL. Now I’m experiencing a wave of nostalgia for my (admittedly not so distant) childhood. Teh 80s& 90s rawk!
I think YA in general has come a long way since SVH. I highly recommend Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist by Rachel Cohn and David Levithan. Each chapter alternates between the male and female viewpoints, and it is excellent! The “sex” scene is hotter and better written than many of the ones I’ve read in adult romances.
“I actually wanted to clarify a bit because I think that this book shocked me for other reasons – wasn’t this the book where Jessica is sooooo incredibly jealous of Bruce’s attention toward her sister that she spikes Elizabeth’s drink at the big dance, and the reason Elizabeth’s boyfriend crashes is because they’re both drunk? (I think it’s also the reason that Bruce is able to sneak in the grope…but maybe not)”
Nope that was a much later book. Jessica spiked the punch at the prom or something. Which led to Elizabeth and Jessica’s boyfriend (seth or something) be driving drunk and crashing. Killing the boyfriend and Jessica blames Liz and they don’t talk for like 3 books.
But then some crazy foster-care kid who looks EXACTLY like the twins tries to kill Liz and then Jessica forgives her (even tho it was her fault).
Wow, I remember way too much of these books.
-Asra
Man, I was all over the Sweet Valley books…although I read more of the Sweet Valley twins books when I was younger. I think I lost interest a bit when I started reading the SV High series.
My guesses:
1. 1.5 hours
2. 15 pages
3. C
Seriously dating myself here…I read some of these after graduating from Trixie Belden. Yes. Trixie Freakin’ Belden! Why aren’t heroines named Trixie anymore? Seriously. That has potential.
My guesses:
66 minutes to read, 3 days to recover from the migraine
17 pages
C+ (for the nostalgia factor)
1. 54 minutes
2. 32 pages
3. D
I think I stayed far away from these when I was in junior high.
I can’t beileve they are re-listing these books out and updating them. I think that’s sweet!
It is so exciting to see so many people who remember Caitlin. No one else I know remembers them! And yes, Sarah, there was a lot of swirly purple and big hair. I ahve always lusted after “raven tresses” as her hair was described 83 times.
There was an abundance of cold cream, a lovely horse…and, as any rich girl must face, a fall in a mine. Only the dirt of the mines could make Caitlin less douchy. Maybe I should try that with others I know.
Oh my goodness! This was my absolute favourite SV book cos of the angst and romance and such. I will guess!
1. 2 hours, tops.
2. 20
3. C+