B-
Genre: Romance, Science Fiction/Fantasy
Heart of Steel is a 1960’s B Movie parody in book form. It’s a fond tribute to the kind of mad scientist bent on world domination that you find in Despicable Me or Austin Powers or Dr. No. There’s a lot of body horror in it, but if you can avoid overthinking it then this book is a lot of fun.
Julia Parker is on a vacation with her boyfriend Jim, who she’s trying to work up the nerve to break up with. He insists that they go scuba diving at Shark Reef Isle. Surprise – the Isle is actually the lair of Mad Scientist Alistair, a self-made cyborg who has built his base in a dormant volcano (as one does) and built himself an army of bizarre creatures (dire wolves, Sharkman, assorted robots). Sharkman is supposed to keep people away from the island, and Alistair likes to save any viable parts for later use, so when Sharkman attacks Julia and Jim, their various bits and peices are brought to the lair. Julia only lost one leg, so Alistair sews it back on. Jim lost – more than that. It’s gross. Alistair has more trouble fixing Jim and ultimately we all wish he hadn’t tried. Remember the first rule of science, Alistair: just because you CAN doesn’t mean you SHOULD.
So Jim is alternately in a coma and wandering around like a zombie and rampanging wildly. He’s a very one-dimensional bad guy with no redeeming qualities – even the body horror is written to emphasize that he’s evil without introducing any emotional complexity. Alistair can’t let Julia leave, but he’s strangely drawn to her and feels the oddest urge to make her happy. He also has flashbacks to an earlier trauma that he realizes he will have to remember in order to understand who he really is. Yes, it’s amnesia, or, as I like to say, AMNESIA!
Julia is horrified by her predicament, and yet, Alistair is strangely charming, and he has emotional wounds, and he has one puppy eye (not literally, surprisingly) and one robot eye, both of which gaze at her adoringly. Cue Angela Lansbury singing “Tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme, beauty and the beast” while robot hummingbirds fly around – and also while newly created cyborg Jim chases them all over the lair, smacking dire wolves around right and left.
There are many varieties of mad scientist and Alistair is a combination of the robot-building variety and the Island of Doctor Moreau variety. This creates a weird dissonance because on the one hand the story is sort of cutesy – we’re clearly not supposed to be overly worried about Alistair taking over the world. But the body horror is pretty intense. OK, maybe it’s only me whose able to actually worry about the feelings of Sharkman or “Cuddles” who seems to be half horse, half primate. I’m not supposed to worry about them because they are so very, very pretend. But I do worry; especially when it’s made clear that the transformation process is agonizing. What happens to Jim is horrific, even if he is evil. If I took the body horror at face value (no pun intended), then I couldn’t possibly sympathize with Alistair no matter how sad his back-story was.
I did get to a point where I managed not to think too much about the implications of all the artificially created minions and then I could just bask in the glow of the fun – and this book is a lot of fun. It’s sort of a parody, in the same way that Despicable Me is a parody. It’s very funny, and also sweet, as Julia helps Alistair heal from his troubled past and he learns how to be polite. It’s also a nice version of Beauty and the Beast. One thing I appreciated is that Julia recognizes how controlling Jim was but she also realizes that Alistair is controlling too – I mean, he is holding her prisoner in his lair, after all. Julia is a doctor, and she’s very good at what she does. This means that she ends up rescuing about as often as she gets rescued. She was introduced as being so vulnerable that I feared she’d be ditsy but she’s actually pretty badass.
The thing about the Beauty and the Beast story that people forget is that while Belle becomes fond of the Beast during her imprisonment, she doesn’t fall in love with him until he sets her free. That’s why I, an ardent feminist with no patience for Stockholm syndrome, love the story. Traditionally, it’s not a story about a woman who’s controlled until she gives up. It’s a story about a man who learns to stop controlling. In traditional versions, the Beast lets Belle go visit her family, and he asks her to return after three days, but he doesn’t compel her. Granted, in the original story, he says, “If you don’t come back I’ll die”, which in modern terms is abusive emotional blackmail, but in fairytale land it’s just a calm statement of the facts at hand, and, in fact, she shows up when she’s damn well ready.
The romance between Alistair and Julia involves her seeing him through compassionate eyes and him learning to respect her boundaries and letting her make her own decisions. Unlike the Disney version of the Beast that says, “Here, have a library, which you’ve always wanted!” Alistair tends to say, “Here! Have a bizarre creature that I sewed together from the spare bits of many dead animals of various species and then reanimated! Why are you screaming?” It was cute to see Alistair learn basic consideration and cute to see Julia start to bond with Alistair’s creations. I was concerned that the “letting go” bit might not happen but at the very last minute Alistair comes through.
There’s nothing deep about this book. The writing is fine but not spectacular. The book is full of clichés, but of course that’s the point. It’s funny and fast moving. I found the very, very end to be slightly confusing, but generally satisfying. This was just a silly, sweet book that will be enjoyable to a very specific audience, one I happen to be a member of. Just don’t think too hard about the implications of Alistair’s hobby, because if you do then it’s a silly, sweet, super creepy and disturbing book.
A couple random notes:
- Sharkman does not have a frickin’ laser beam on his head. I call shenanigans.
- Alistair does not have a cat. I must deduct points for this. It’s my duty.
- At the start of the book, Julia is on a moving boat. She is described as having “tousled” hair on the boat. I’ve been on boats and based on my own experience I’m fairly sure that the author meant to say, “deranged”.
- Julia is all, “No way, I’m not diving with sharks.” Is this her first dive on the trip? She’s in the South Pacific. There’s sharks. Where does she think she is, a bathtub?
- FYI, there’s kissing, but not sex. Sorry. No Mad Scientist Cyborg sex for you. We’ll never know which parts of him are metallic.
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Swap out “Sharkman” for “Scarface” and this sounds like the novelization of the Jonathan Coulton song “Skullcrusher Mountain”.
@ Doug – the minute I read the words “a half horse, half primate,” my suspicions were also confirmed. It’s totally Skullcrusher Mountain in novel form. And now I can’t get the song out of my head.
SHARKMAN! Many years ago, I purchased a plush toy shark at Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas. We named him Sharkman. Sharkman is a very realistic-looking plush shark, but the kids and I are all quite fond of him anyway. Sharks need love too.
Yep, definitely “Skullcrusher Mountain.” Possibly also elements of “It’s Gonna Be the Future Soon,” what with the cyborg?
So wait, I’m so confused. This book is potentially the long-form novel version of a song? MUST GOOGLE LYRICS.
HERE ARE LYRICS.
Welcome to my secret lair on Skullcrusher Mountain
I hope that you’ve enjoyed your stay so far
I see you’ve met my assistant Scarface
His appearance is quite disturbing
But I assure you he’s harmless enough
He’s a sweetheart, calls me master
And he has a way of finding pretty things and bringing them to me
Oh, and I’m so into you
But I’m way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
I’m not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You’d see the voices that control me from inside my head
Say I shouldn’t kill you yet
I made this half-pony, half-monkey monster to please you
But I get the feeling that you don’t like it
What’s with all the screaming?
You like monkeys, you like ponies
Maybe you don’t like monsters so much
Maybe I used too many monkeys
Isn’t it enough to know that I ruined a pony making a gift for you?
Oh, and I’m so into you
But I’m way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
I’m not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You’d see the voices that control me from inside my head
Say I shouldn’t kill you yet
Picture the two of us alone inside my golden submarine
While up above the waves my doomsday squad ignites the atmosphere
And all the fools who lead their foolish lives may find it quite explosive
Well it won’t mean half as much to me if I don’t have you here
You know it isn’t easy living here on Skullcrusher Mountain
Maybe you could cut me just a little slack
Would it kill you to be civil?
I’ve been patient, I’ve been gracious
And this mountain is covered with wolves
Hear them howling, my hungry children
Maybe you should stay and have another drink and think about me and you
Oh, and I’m so into you
But I’m way too smart for you
Even my henchmen think I’m crazy
I’m not surprised that you agree
If you could find some way to be
A little bit less afraid of me
You’d see the voices that control me from inside my head
Say I shouldn’t kill you yet
I shouldn’t kill you yet
I shouldn’t kill you yet
(OK that gave me the CREEPS.)
This is honestly the first time I’ve heard of a song being written out into longer form as a novel. I’m completely baffled.
So so Skullcrusher mountain feeling from this one lol.
But I find the plot strangely intriguing.Definetely not the norm!
Awww no kindle ebook :/
@ SB Sarah
I haven’t seen it explicitly but there are times where in the back of my mind I think “It’s kinda like that song…”
On the other hand I often think songs are begging for novelization.
Lake Street Dive’s Bad Self Portraits – a girl on a road-trip with a camera and getting past a break-up. (Romp.)
Gillian Welch’s Scarlet Town would make for a great westerny steam-punk story line. (YA or Saga)
K.D. Lang’s Pullin’ Back the Reins would be the best Lesbian-BDSM-Western romance ever written.
Duffy’s Warwick Avenue as a story about a woman striving to hold her own power and not putt up with with the manipulation she’s done with. (Contemporary Fiction and could be Romance)
Jeff Buckley’s Lover You Should’ve Come Over? Yes. (Angsty YA Romance)
Sam Smith’s Stay With Me? Yes please.
Joanna Newsom’s Good Intentions Paving Company would be a strange and excellent good time. (Rommp that makes you cry.)
Anything by Kate Bush or the Allman Brothers.
Patty Griffin’s Rain, so many ways that could go…
Trisha Yearwood’s Georgia Rain is a romance just waiting to happen.
Syd Straw’s Golden Dreams could be devastating.
Emily Barker’s Nostalgia.
If I could write, these are the stories I’d write. I’d certainly read them all.
“We’ll never know which parts of him are metallic.”
Oh Darn.
LOL
Thank you so much for the review, Carrie! To answer everyone’s question, yes this was inspired by Jonathan Coulton’s “Skullcrusher Mountain”. I heard that song and my brain ran in its own direction and made the story my own. I’m glad you had fun reading it, and the book is now available via Kindle as well!
I totally have wanted to turn a song into a novel! In my case, “Bogie’s Bonnie Belle”. It’s a Scottish song from the perspective of a farmworker who falls in love with his employer’s daughter, gets her pregnant, is confronted by her father, offers to marry her and is told he’s not a fit match, and is sent away (with the baby!). It occurred to me that the title character is really not much in the story at all, we don’t even know what she thought of her father’s actions. At the end the narrator says he’s heard she’s married to a tinker, and scornfully reflects that that isn’t a social step up from him. So I wanted to expand a lot on her experiences and make her marriage to the tinker a happy one– I think, just personally, that she had already realized that her involvement with the farmhand was a mistake, a passing thing, and agreed with her father to send him away, although it would be hard to justify the custody of the baby to a modern audience. And the narrator is a sympathetic character too but I think he fell into assuming he knew Belle much better than he actually did. So I might write a sequel in which he matures some and gets a HEA with a more suitable woman.
There are a couple of mystery writers who have written stories based on Ballads. One is Deborah Grabien, whom I really like. She has a series with English ballad titles, e.g. Matty Groves. Sharon McCrumb also has a group of standalone novels with titles derived from Southern American ballads. Both are excellent writers, but these are ballads–anathema to the HEA.
Oh sure, novelizations of (or at least references to) ballads — there are enough of them to spend a week listing them. (Let me just put in a plug for Delia Sherman’s underappreciated Through a Brazen Mirror, inspired by “The Famous Flower of Serving Men”.) As far as romances, I was recently fooled into buying Barabara Samuel’s “The True Story of Mattie Groves”, only to find that it was, to quote a recent commenter, “terribad”. There must be good ones, I suppose.
@Elizabeth Einspanier: I didn’t want you to think that I was accusing you of doing anything wrong. This sounds like one hell of a novel.
@Doug
No problem. I had a great time writing the novel and I hope you all have fun reading it.
This is free for Kindle right now.
http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TR8LB04?ie=UTF8&link_code=as3&camp=211163&creative=375279&creativeASIN=B00TR8LB04