Cover Snark with Surprises. Lots of Surprises. Like Bejeweled Surprises.

Ready for some cover fun? I KNOW YOU ARE. AND SO ARE WE!

So they're leaning on a hillside, and she's face down in this giant blue gown, and he's behind her pulling up her skirt - and he is perfectly in line with her  backside -- SURPRISE BUTTSECKS!

Sarah: Say it with me now: SURPRISE BUTTSECKS!

Amanda:  That’s not a dagger….

So this is a romantic suspense, and this dude is standing in the snow facing the reader holding a handgun pointing it straight up in the air. There' s all this SMOKE coming out of his crotch, it looks like.

Amanda: Is it out of character for his crotch to be on fire? Or does that sort of thing happen frequently?

Elyse: Is he a genie?

Sarah: Is the “love greater than riches” what you get when you pull his finger?

RHG: He is out in the snowy woods without a coat or a scarf or gloves so he needs some way to keep himself warm and oh my god I’ve turned into my mother.

Ok, so this is a shirtless, headless cowboy holding a hat just over his crotch, but the font is so loopy and weird that instead of LIAM it looks like it says HAM

Sarah: SO MANY PEOPLE sent me this cover. “It says…Ham?” “Why is his name Ham?” “Why does his ween have a hat?”

Amanda: Ham > Liam (Also, on Goodreads, the book has a different title)

RedHeadedGirl: His dick is so big it gets it’s own hat? His name is Liam, and the dick’s name is Ham?

And… that’s not what Deadwood looks like.

Amanda: Liam and Ham. Just pal-ing around. Like a buddy cop movie.

RHG: I’m done.

Amanda: I hope it’s not dead wood. /mic drop

 

So this dude in leather pants (SO HISTORICAL THE PANTS)  has this woman semi-kneeling in front of him, and he's got his hand cupped under her jaw in a way that kind of looks like he's about ot lift her by her head. Also she is alarmingly pale!

Sarah: I bet I can pick you by your head. Hold still.

Amanda:  She’s very pale. Are we sure she’s alive?

And holy bicep porn Batman.

RedHeadedGirl: She’s sort of looking off into space and I don’t think you should be macking on someone in a catatonic state

Elyse: Her dress ate her hand.

Sarah: Maybe it has pockets?

Amanda: I would die for a dress like that with pockets.

 

This book is called Emily's Magical Bejeweled Codpiece and it has a guy with glasses and a slim but muscular physique wearing a glittery gold glowing codpiece I am not even kidding.

Sarah: This is from Nikki who was browsing the new books and said, “I was just browsing the list of books being released in the next week, because heaven forfend my wishlist should get any shorter, when SUDDEN JEWELED CODPIECE OMGWTFBBQ.

And then I thought, the Bitchery might want to have their eyeballs seared, too.

She was right.

Amanda: …but who’s Emily?

RHG: WHAT THE FUCK.

Elyse:  Glasses + bejeweled codpiece = fashion WIN

Honestly tho Shia LeBouf is gonna show up in this outfit. You know it.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Des Livres says:

    You should really add another pic of Aidan with his shirt off to make it all better.

  2. 2
    Cecilia says:

    Omg, the jeweled codpiece wins everything on the internet today. LOL!

  3. 3
    Catherine says:

    Oh my goodness, that last one is basically the perfect book cover. I must read this book.

  4. 4
    SB Sarah says:

    @Des Livres:

    That pretty much makes everything better, I think.

  5. 5
    Doug Glassman says:

    The “Out of Character” guy was raised to be charming, not sincere.

  6. 6
    Des Livres says:

    I looked up the Emily’s book on Amazon – it’s 3.99 for 54 pages. 54 pages! Aiden photo urgently required. You know, I might end up getting Poldark and I’ll just leave the sound off.

  7. 7
    Ren says:

    It’s not merely a codpiece. It’s not merely a bejeweled codpiece. It’s a MAGICAL bejeweled codpiece. Emily is the most fascinating character in the history of fiction to me right now. Not $4 fascinating, but she’ll live in my imagination for a long time.

    But what the hell is with the proliferation of guns on covers lately? I’m all for shoot-’em-up-bang-bang in a story, but when I see some dude posing with one, the only message I receive is “I’m a posturing douchebag with a little dick. Fear me!” That’s not going to sell me a book. If you MUST show a gun to signify cop/SEAL/spy/whatever, put the damn thing in a holster so the guy looks more like a responsible adult I can maybe trust to use it appropriately. Even a headless, shirtless dude with a shaved-and-oiled chest wearing nothing but a shoulder holster and low-slung jeans would be less ridiculous than an idiot waving a gun around.

  8. 8
    Kate says:

    Someone with an eReader must read and review the Bejeweled Codpiece! PLEASE! For, uh, for the sake of knowledge and scholarship.

  9. 9
    Olivia says:

    Okay what is up with the “Liam” guys’ left hand? There aren’t any finger details, I get he’s supposed to be gripping something, but does he usually hold stuff with his unusually long wrist? And WHERE IS THE OTHER PART OF THE COWBOY HAT BRIM????

    Also, yes Tessa Dare, that guys’ leather clad ass is very “Captivating”

  10. 10
    Shae Connor says:

    Hey, the codpiece is doing its job! You’re all wanting to read it now, aren’t you? LOL

  11. 11
    Rhoda Baxter says:

    I want a dress like that with pockets too. Makes a hell of a lot more sense than trying to keep my car keys in my cleavage.

  12. 12
    Des Livres says:

    That thing’s a cowboy hat? I was wondering and wondering – it seemed too…long, but I’ve just gone back to squint at it and noticed the brim and the lighting.

    We should all go to the emily’s page on amazon and write glowing reviews and then mark each others’ reviews as helpful and totally game the system so it pops up on everyone’s recommended! No need to spend the 3.99….that way someone else is sure to read it and tell us about it. If dreamspinner press is going to release a cover like that, it would serve them right if that happened.

  13. 13
    SARAH says:

    And total cover inaccuracy for Liam- its set in the 1800’s- that is a total contemporary cover!!!! arghhhh

    LOL Codpieces!!!!! Internet Win- I totally agree

  14. 14
    Heather T says:

    I think I am hyperventilating with laughter. Please stop — it HURTS! I volunteer to review the magic codpiece. Seriously.

    Now back to pictures of shirtless Aiden.

  15. 15
    Des Livres says:

    you should do a crowd funding thing for the 3.99.

  16. 16
    Yodamom says:

    Bwahahhahahhahahaham ahahhahahhahahham Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaa Snort

  17. 17
    Heather T says:

    I have downloaded the MAGIC of the Bejeweled Codpiece onto my eReader (and the eReader didn’t explode) and I WILL TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

    I am going with Carrie S to SDCC and I will read it while I am there. Maybe I will read it aloud while I am waiting in line. Stay tuned . . .

  18. 18
    Des Livres says:

    Get the people in line to help you with the review.

  19. 19
    Jamie says:

    Please do a guest review for the cod piece book! We’re all dying of anticipation!

  20. 20
    ck says:

    I know this is going to be obscure, but my first thought about The Rogue Returns was…Hey, Draco in leather pants! I thought my Monday couldn’t get any better…then…OMFGWTHFB!!! A magical bejeweled codpiece? Someone forgot the golden rule…Friends don’t let friends drink and BeDazzle.

  21. 21
    Cara says:

    Uhm, okay, the Bejeweled Codpiece is pretty damned amazing(ly bad, so bad it’s awesome).

    The other covers? Sorry, ladies, but I think you’re really reaching for snark material, there. Yeah, someone got a little happy w/the smoke effect in one, and the font in the other needs reconsideration, but not enough to satisfy the promise of cover snark this time. There are SO many other awful covers out there. I just think this post kind of flunks without the bejeweled codpiece.

  22. 22
    harthad says:

    OMG, did you read the plot summary? It’s not merely a magical bejeweled codpiece, it’s a time-traveling magical bejeweled codpiece! Can we do a mashup with the time-traveling orca peen book?

  23. 23
    EC Spurlock says:

    That jeweled codpiece is pretty impressive but I think Liam can give him a run for his money with his so-very-not-Deadwood. I am reminded of the line “Is that your hat or are you just happy to see me?”

    But now I want to know what the magical codpiece does. Do you pull rabbits out of it? Or codfish? If it makes your dick bigger while you’re wearing it, doesn’t that defeat the purpose, since you have to take it off to do the deed? What??

  24. 24
    Mara B. says:

    If you read the cover copy for the codpiece book you discover that it’s actually a m/m romance that mentions an “Emilio” so I think the title might actually be a typo.


    Tom, museum curator and expert in Renaissance jewelry, doesn’t think his boyfriend Peter is “The One.” Peter is perfectly happy with Tom, but Tom is obsessed with the artist Benedetto Emilio Nesci—exciting, passionate, extraordinarily talented… and dead for over 400 years.

    Tasked with researching a bejeweled codpiece, Tom abandons his professional ethics—and his sanity—to try on the codpiece and is transported halfway around the world and back in time, right into Florence, Italy and Nesci’s workroom.

    After his initial panic subsides, Tom seizes the opportunity to allow Nesci to seduce him, but Tom discovers not everything about the sixteenth century is as romantic as he’d imagined. Getting back to the modern world and Peter becomes Tom’s only wish, but desire and reality are two completely different things, and Tom might not get what he wants this time around.

  25. 25
    Celia says:

    Not only does Li/Ham have another title on the goodreads site, I just read that title as “Healed by a Hat” which suddenly explains the cover!

  26. 26

    Thing is… the question “who is Emily?” is never answered since apparently it is m/m romance in more than one century. I really think this title is wasted on this story is there is no Emily to own the codpiece. I was thinking in terms of mild-mannered librarians, or something, who discover the codpiece in the vault. And Mr. Milquetoast becomes Red Hot Lover. To Emily. There has to be an Emily.

  27. 27
    PamG says:

    Someone needs to tell codpiece guy that, yes, his ass does look fat in that.

  28. 28

    Am I the only one that think the woman on the cover for The Rogue Returns looks like Anna Nicole Smith before she gained the weight?

  29. 29
    Maite says:

    Wait.
    So gorgeous dresses with pockets only exist in the same dimension as magical time-travelling codpieces.
    That makes a bedazzling sort of sense.

    And I so needed a laugh today.

  30. 30

    […] Cover snark from Smart Bitches. […]

  31. 31

    […] did want to specifically mention a Cover Snark post from Smart Bitches,  Trashy Books.  Also: there is a guest review for Emily’s Magical […]

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