Zee Bucket! In Dutch!

BONJOUR! Are you awake?! You should be! Ah am here, and Ah Am Zee Bucket!


Ah know you have missed me. Today, Ah report to you zee horrible horribleness of mah second cousin once removed but not quite removed enough, MS PAINT. She ees, Ah am sad to say, quite sloppy.

Fear not, Harlequin, zees is not about you! You are safe from ZEE BUCKET OF TRIUMPH today! Zut Alors! Ah know you have zee relief, oui? N’est pas? Ah know you all speak zee French, so you know how to read between zee lines!

Anyway, Mah shoddy cousine, Ms. Paint, was spotted in Dutch. Ah do not speak zee Dutch but perhaps Ah must learn because only AH can prevent ZEES MADNESS!

Many gracious mercis to Jan Oda, who spotted Ms. Paint’s dastardly crimes!

First, we have zee cover for Miss Dakota Cassidy’s You Dropped a Blonde on Me:

Book Cover

Not bad! Ah see nothing to change here. But no, Ms. Paint, she sticks her shoddy nose where her shoddy nose, it does NOT belong, and look at the travesty Jan Oda found in her native language of Dutch. This is zee translation of Jennifer Crusie’s Fast Women. That Ms. Paint, she is not fast. She is zee disgrace. She is cruel to zee animals.



And here Ah must correct zee lovely Jan Oda, who wrote, “I thought that was lame, because that image doesn’t fit Nell at all, and it’s the wrong kind of dog, and I never like it when people reuse cover art.

But then I looked more closely at the paperback in my hands, and noticed that the dog was dressed, where it wasn’t in the original. And it was dressed in a drawn on sweatshirt. Or rather, a blodge of paint from the Photoshop Paintbucket. I mean, one of the yellow circles actually crosses the border of the sweatshirt. Seriously, it’s the worst (and most silly), photoshop fuck up I’ve encountered to date.”

Ms. Jan Oda, we at Zee Photoshop DO NOT DO ZAT CRAP. It is not AH, ZEE BUCKET who would do such a thing! It is zee dastardly plot of Ms. Paint, determined to make us all look ZEE BADNESS.

Ah must tell you now, between you and AH, that every time you use zee Ms. Paint, a puppy gets a fantastic bad sweater made of merde.


Oh, Ms. Paint. Won’t you please think of zee puppies?!

Comments are Closed

  1. BONJOUR! Are you awake?! You should be! Ah am here, and Ah Am Zee Bucket!

    Have you ever *met* any Dutch people, Sarah? 🙂

    Both covers suck. Next!

  2. Sophie says:

    Omg. WTF. Serious fail. Haven’t they heard of Photoshop?  But, may I just say… Awesome skirt! 

    Radio46: is that code for computer problems?

  3. AgTigress says:

    LOL!  That’s the worst French accent I have ever read, Sarah!  Though I can see it isn’t easy to do a cod Dutch accent in writing…

    The tinkering with the cover image is outrageous, and so clumsy!  And how do people get away with the copyright issues, anyway?  I don’t understand this.  I mean, if one wants to add a completely relevant, appropriate and informative picture to a Wikipedia article, for instance, one has to find one with suitable copyright usage, or take one oneself (and upload it to Wikimedia Commons, so that everyone else can use it too).  Otherwise one of Wiki’s mysterious Powers that Be will just come along delete it.  So how does a publisher simply swipe a photo for a book cover, do a bit of messy, incompetent editing, and get away with it? 

    Some of the examples you have given before have probably come under the same publishing house, ultimately.  Maybe that’s it.

  4. Daisy says:

    Godverdomme!  Dat is vreselijk, hoor!

    I do speak a bit of het Dutch, if only because it lets me throw in “hoor” from time to time.

  5. Rachel says:

    The best part is someone, somewhere, stood up in a meeting and said “Give that dog a sweater! I don’t care what it takes.” WTF were they thinking?

  6. Jan Oda says:

    Ha! I’m still not entirely recovered from noticing this.

    However, is it just me or is Sarah channeling ‘Allo Allo’ here? No idea if that ever made it across the pond though.

    Anyway, I’d still like to do a ‘paint it on’ contest. I mean, the possibilities are endless! Not hitting all those romance cover buttons? No worries, just MS Paint a purple Unicorn on it!

    Mmm, it cannot be a coincidence that my captcha is french48

  7. Ros says:

    @AgTigress I assume that these are stock images, available to buy by any cover artist.  Paying for exclusive rights to the image would be a lot more money so that’s why they don’t bother.

    But that is a truly dreadful paint job on the poor dog.  I would be happy to volunteer my skillz for a modest sum of money instead.

  8. I previously lived in Southern Netherlands near Maastricht – a part of the country that did have some French influence … but never did I hear such “zees!”  Nor would they say Bonjour … instead, Goedemorgen (good morning). Most Dutch speak Flemish, which is very different from French and German.  They make the best cheese and grow the prettiest flowers!  So we can forgive the book covers.

  9. Saskia says:

    Heh.  Sweater made of merde.

    What?  It’s hella early and I’m basically twelve at 6am.

  10. LG says:

    I was meh about the second cover (it didn’t look terrible, just darker and kind of dull) until I noticed the doggie sweater. It’s so awful no one should ever have okayed it. What, the little dog alone wasn’t good enough?

  11. I’m an indie author. My hubby is a rare cross breed – an IT guy and a talented graphic artist.  He does my covers. I had to email him a link to this post b/c I knew he’d appreciate it. 

    My hubby does a fantastic job, but he’s a fiend about details.  He works with GIMP (a free version of photoshop that he works his magic with b/c it fits our nonexistent budget).  He’ll spend hours, literally hours, just to get 1 shadow right. 

    You’d think graphic artists lucky enough to have his/her job in this market would be doing his best to get ever detail right.

    My hubby would never have put this cover out there!

  12. Laura (in PA) says:

    This is just wrong – I say we call PETA.

  13. @Laura—you beat me to the punchline.[g]

  14. redcrow says:

    Ann Somerville, Kim in Hawaii – but Zee Bucket from the start admitted that zie doesn’t speak Dutch.

    Mah shoddy cousine, Ms. Paint, was spotted in Dutch. Ah do not speak zee Dutch

    The sweater is atrocious.

  15. Chelsea says:

    I feel it might be too early for me to see photo-shopped images of dog sweaters, I spilled a little coffee. Anyway, wow that is hilariously bad. I shudder to think someone got paid for this.

  16. tracykitn says:

    Jan, I don’t think it’s just you—I’m getting a definite ” ‘Allo, ‘Allo!” vibe, too. The show *has* made its way across, along with “Are You Being Served?”, “Keeping Up Appearances,” and several others, but they’re on public TV and a lot of people don’t get the joke, so they’re not as appreciated as I think they ought to be…

  17. Lynn S. says:

    The sweater looks more like patch than paint.  Either way from now on it has a name, The Spotted Dutch. 

    This makes me yearn for the blissful days of actual cover art such as the beauty found here http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/l/rachel-lindsay/innocent-deception.htm

    Abba anyone?

    soviet35:  Olé Guacamolé!  There appears to be an international theme today.

  18. TracyP says:

    Merde, indeed.  LOL.  The color changes are bad enough, but the dog sweater???  ROFL.

  19. Kathleen O'Donnell says:

    Ah somebody makes the booboo!!!

  20. darlynne says:

    I love Zee Bucket. She makes me smile.

  21. Damn Jennifer Cruise! I kindly, generously, lovingly, magnanimously (because I’m a givah, and lover of adjectives)  said she could borrow my cover for her Dutch edition. I DID NOT say she could dress the dog up in something from one of her Walmart hauls!

    And as an aside, I think Jennifer’s is the original cover they sent me for Blonde which we asked them to tweak because we didn’t love the colors minuse the dog coat 🙂 I’ve never seen the doggie-outerwear before. Swear 🙂 Oh, and, heyyy, Sarah!

  22. Julie Brannagh says:

    Hello. I am Ms. Paint’s American cousin.

    1. How does one say “travesty” in Dutch?

    2. Has the publisher in question ever met Jennifer Crusie? She’s sold a metric merde-ton of books, and this was the BEST they could do?

    I think I need to lie down.

  23. Aurian says:

    Lol, because of the title of this post, I had to read on. The Dakota Cassidy cover is much more pretty, with the brighter colors, the shopping bags, and the cute little dog. The Jennifer Crusie book is bleh.
    @Julie A travesty = een schandaal!
    @ Daisy, Godverdomme is a real curse, you should not throw that around for no good reason.
    @Kim, what fun that you used to live in Holland. But you are mistaken that most people talk Flemish, most Dutch people act like they do. Flemish is a kind of Dutch dialect in Belgium (a hundred years ago or more, it was a part of Holland).

  24. cbackson says:

    Whenever The Bucket appears, all I can think about is the classic “I HAZ A BUCKET” macro with the walrus.  This is even better if one imagines it read aloud by a walrus, actually. 

    Although most things are likely improved by addition of a walrus.

  25. Aurian, the “Dutch” folks at NATO referred to their language as Flemish.  Perhaps it was for the benefit of the English speaking community.  And you are right that the land changed hands mulitple times between Belique, Nederland, and Deutchland. 

    But we did not live in Holland!  We lived in the city of Sittard, the province of Zuid-Limburg, and the country of Nederland. 

    Holland is a separate province to the West.  Since the merchants from Holland traded with other countries, those countries came to think of Nederland as Holland – it would be equivalent to calling the US … New York!

    Either way, we enjoyed our host country.  I miss the cheese, bread, chocolate, wine, and flowers!

  26. Regarding the dog sweater, the Europeans love their pets!  Most restaurants allow them to accompany their owners; some even serve the dogs.  Likewise, pets are treated like children to dress up and show off in public.  European fashion can be a bit much to Americans … but I can imagine a dog wearing that sweater in Brussels, Paris, and Amsterdam!

  27. Aurian says:

    Hi Kim, you are partly right. I myself live in Utrecht, both the city and the province, in the center of Holland/The Netherlands. There are two provinces also called Holland, North Holland (with Amsterdam) and South Holland (with The Hague). I myself love Limburg, with all its hills and beautiful vistas.
    I am not sure Belgium has ever belonged to Germany. I think you mean the tiny country of Luxembourg, they do speak all three languages there, French, Dutch and German.

    And yes, dogs are allowed in restaurants most of the time, and given their own bowl of water. They do behave themselves better than the little children ;). And yes, I have also seen little dogs wearing sweaters and jackets. It still strikes me as rediculous though.

    I am glad you enjoyed living in my country, and hope you will visit again someday.

  28. Rebecca says:

    Ca va, Bucket?  Misschien kom je vanuit Wallonie? 😉

    @Kim: That’s bizarre about referring to Dutch as Flemish.  I have NEVER heard a Dutch person say that they speak Flemish.  Most Flemish people I know say that they speak Dutch although some Dutch people will refer to the language Belgians speak as Flemish.  (Much the way Americans say we speak “English” even though Brits refer to “speaking American.”)  Perhaps your NATO acquaintances thought the accent around Maastricht was closer to Belgian Dutch (Vlaams) than “Standard” Dutch (Nederlands)?  Around Breda that might make sense, but I’m not sure about Maastricht, which actually is closer to Wallonia (where zee Bucket, he comes from).

    @Jan: Second the love for ‘Allo ‘Allo.  I was actually introduced to the series by Flemish friends, who of course think the premise that French, English and German speakers have difficulty understanding one another is hysterically funny.

  29. That dog should call the dutch version of the ASPCA. Because even showing his picture in that sweater is extreme animal cruelty

  30. bookstorecat says:


    Haters beware if they ever drop the leash of Mad Dog McFuzz there.

  31. Karen says:

    It’s not even really a sweater, since it clearly does not cover the dog’s back (note how it does not even reach the sides of the dog).  It’s more like a knitted doggy bib.  With sleeves.  A doggie dickey.

    Price34—if that’s what was paid for that paint job, they were robbed.

  32. HellyBelly says:

    Now I know why Ze Bucket seemed so very familiar on our first encounter – ‘Allo, ‘Allo – of course! Most uttered phrase (by René):

    You schtoopid woman!

    Alas, that dog would never be allowed into a Swedish restaurant, with our without the “sweater bib”.

    @Lynn S. – that cover makes me think of Wonder Woman!

  33. Aurian and Rebecca, I have met some locals who did not think of themselves as Dutch but rather Nederlanders. 

    And I am frequently confused when I hear Afrikaans, which is rooted in Dutch.

    All in all, I have great respect for Nederland as its people are resourceful, open minded, and friendly!

  34. Lynn S. says:

    @HellyBelly Wonder Woman works too.  Especially with all that flowing dark hair.  But I still keep hearing Dancing Queen.

  35. PamG says:

    Must be an age thing.  For me, Zee Bucket summons up images of Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau. Zee minkey…MINKEY!

  36. Jeannie says:

    Aw, poor poo-pee.

    But I want that skirt. Seriously. I’m off to look for it now.

  37. geekgirl says:

    LOL, oh that’s just wrong. “Made of merde” is so getting used in my house now though.  (my sister and I used to use French swears when we were kids because mom didn’t speak it, she actually thought it was “so nice to hear them using it outside of school)
    And Jeannie, if you find that skirt let us know because SO CUTE!

  38. AgTigress says:

    I’m amazed that so many of you like the skirt.  I think it is a thoroughly messy, over-decorated design.  But then, what do I know:  I haven’t worn a skirt for about 25 years…

  39. HellyBelly says:

    @AgTigress – I wear a skirt to work about 50% of the time but that design is absolutely horrid. Looks like someone wanted to do something useful with a couple of old curtains and table cloths, with the white material draping just over the top of the thighs to emphasize them where you least want to (unless you are a professional model, like our cover girl).

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