Knight Rider: A Six Point Review

I watched the whole damn movie, despite many, many distractions in my world. My review in six points:

1. Why must the head villain be a mumbling British guy who has two expressions: sneer and not sneer?

The other villains were MUCH more interesting. Jack Yang should have received a LOT more screen time, to say nothing of the blonde geeky bad guy who totally bit it in the end. Yang and the small blonde geek (was that Jonathan Chase?) would make a GREAT bad guy duo. Hell, give them their own show. Forget the murmuring British sneer-not-sneer guy. He tried for creepy and come out with annoying. The backup bad guys shot the Roomba, which made them exponentially more awesome.

2. The heroine was played by Deanna Russo. If Jorja Fox, Kim Delaney and the Noxema chick had a love child, it would be her. She also has this incredibly distracting birthmark on her neck right over her trachea and I kept wondering if that would be the target for the sniper when the writers decide to off her.

3. Sydney Tamiia Poitier played what had to be the dumbest law enforcement officer in the world. I shall share the secret location of my target … using speakerphone! Brilliant idea! Her big moment was nodding at the death of the sheriff who betrayed her trust. It was stupid.

But it could have been SO cool. Hot surfing lesbian FBI agent who gets down with hot women in the opening scene? WORD. Actual execution of said character? Tapwater.

4. Val Kilmer as KITT: Bonus, Honus. Well done.

5. And oh, the Hoff. Wooden dialogue? Check. Exceptionally wooden face to match dialogue? Check. Utterly inane dialogue that didn’t make any sense? Check. At one point in his big scene at the end, I turned to Hubby and said, “Is this really happening?”

Hoff: I speak words.
Justin Bruening: I speak other words.
Hoff: MY words make no sense.
Justin Bruening: I attempt to make sense with your words.
Hoff: Give it up, son.

6. Speaking of Justin Bruening, not since Moonlight have such talented actors been given such craptastic dialogue. Bruening worked miracles with the crap he was given, and even cracked me up with his delivery and timing. Seriously, he’ll be huge in another year, I bet.

So the short answer: to quote Hubby’s review of Don’t Hassel the Hoff: “It was terrible. I enjoyed it immensely.”

In fact, that’s what Hubby said when we finished the movie: “That was awful. If it was a show I’d totally watch it.”

If we add that to the queue, our DVR is going to unplug itself and march off the job. But I can’t resist the lure of bad entertainment with so much promise.

Categorized:

General Bitching...

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  1. Jennie says:

    I have to say that the movie seemed to be “filler” for the time between commercials.  I calculated the ratio, and it ended up being 3:2.  Barely 6 minutes of movie, then 4 minutes of commercials.  My DVR fast forward got quite the workout.

    You were spot on with your comments.  DH commented that the heroine was “one of those women who should always wear turtlenecks”, and I’ve NEVER seen such a stupid FBI agent, everyone knows that you don’t trust the local leos in those movies, it’s one of the “horror movie top ten rules”.

    My word was street88—that lady had no street smarts, and the movie came straight out of the 80s.

  2. canadacole says:

    I’m actually confused by this “movie”‘s status.  I thought it was a movie until the opening credits, where it said “guest starring David Hasselhoff”.  Guest starring?  So this is the start of a new show?  Surely movies don’t have guest stars?  Also, the plot?  Total “meet our characters” set up.  So I assumed that there would be a crappy show for my further amusement. 

    Was I the only one confused by this?

  3. Gwynnyd says:

    She also has this incredibly distracting birthmark on her neck right over her trachea

    And the hott guy had two on his cheekbone, and there was at least one other character who sported a prominent brown lump (whose location has by now mercifully escaped me). There was nothing resembling plot tension to occupy my brain, so I spent the last half of the movie wondering if the casting director had unnatural lusts for moles.

  4. RStewie says:

    No, it’s gonna be a regular show only if the pilot/movie is a good enough hit.

    I watched it with my dad, and we had a great laugh at the Hoff-tastic-ness of it. 

    I almost jumped off the couch and cheered when the Hoff finally showed.  I love how he’s a craptastic dad, though, but that’s ok, cause his mom was…there?  But then she wasn’t.  But now she’s dead, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

    I’d watch it, if it was a show.  Just for the snark-ability of it all.

  5. RStewie says:

    But Val Kilmer wasn’t the KITT voice…

    I did love the Roomba moment, too.  I just wanted to add that.

  6. Lorelie says:

    Cannot believe I forgot this.  Damn.

  7. Wow.

    I confess, I totally watched the original series when I was growing up and adored it. But in my defense, I was a kid and it reveled in its cheesiness.

    This sounds… well, I’m glad I missed it!

  8. Janice says:

    It was sooooo bad. SOOOO bad. Not even enough to be so bad as to flip over to the side of entertainment (except the Hoff part). Plus – too many ford commercials. Sigh – I’m very likely not going to watch the show.

  9. Tina says:

    My husband and I didn’t watch this movie mostly because when I asked him, “Do you have any interest [in seeing it]?”, he replied, “And ruin my memories of a really bad show?”

  10. carriev says:

    So glad I’m not the only one who watched it.

    It brought out my inner 10 year old.

  11. NkB says:

    The heroine was played by Deanna Russo. If Jorja Fox, Kim Delaney and the Noxema chick had a love child, it would be her. She also has this incredibly distracting birthmark on her neck right over her trachea and I kept wondering if that would be the target for the sniper when the writers decide to off her.

    She WAS incredibly annoying, but for some reason her most distracting facial feature for me were her eyebrows.  I swear her eye makeup made her look like some sort of alien; it really creeped me out.  My sense of relief when the camera wasn’t pointed at her is indescribeable.

  12. SonomaLass says:

    Have to agree on Justin Bruening.  He is not only hot *whew* but also quite good with dialog.  Even bad dialog, thanks to many years of practice on All My Children. I didn’t get to see the movie/pilot/thing, but I hope the show gets picked up.  Cheesy bad can be SO entertaining!  And anything has to be better than the crap we get in place of shows with writers.

  13. Denni says:

    Hey, I’d watch anything with Val Kilmer, or his voice….so, was it?

  14. Donna B says:

    The heroine was played by Deanna Russo. If Jorja Fox, Kim Delaney and the Noxema chick had a love child, it would be her. She also has this incredibly distracting birthmark on her neck right over her trachea and I kept wondering if that would be the target for the sniper when the writers decide to off her.

    Okay, not to be a bitch, but that birthmark is over her larynx.  The trachea is much lower.

    And Val Kilmer is hot.  I’d watch anything with Val Kilmer.  Did you ever see Real Genius?  Brilliant.  And Val Kilmer.  Did I mention I love Val Kilmer?

    Donna

  15. Invisigoth says:

    “It was terrible. I enjoyed it immensely.”

    “That was awful. If it was a show I’d totally watch it.”

    That’s the way I feel about Moonlight.

  16. bzangl says:

    Yes the voice of Kitt was Val Kilmer in the movie. It was originally going to be Will Arnett from SNL, but apparently there was a conflict cuz he is the voice/promoter for GE or some other car company and being Kitt’s voice conflicted with his contract because KITT is a ford in the movie – or so I read in some magazine – maybe TV Guide.

  17. Susan says:

    In minor defense of the sheer awfulness of the movie – it stems from a completely awful show!  But, hubby and I had great fum making fun of the movie.

    As for the movie being an extra-long Ford ad – YAY!  I work for a Ford parts distributor, so the more Fords out there, the happier I am!!!

  18. oakling says:

    I wanted to watch this so bad – when it had Will Arnett in it. Now, not so much. *sob* come back to me Will!

  19. smartmensab-tch says:

    Didn’t catch this, but it’s GOT to be better than Flash Gordon on the SciFi channel.  Man, when are they going to kill that loser show?

  20. talpianna says:

    wondering if the casting director had unnatural lusts for moles.

    Posted by Gwynnyd

    *Mole emerges from burrow, pricks up snout*

    I used to watch the original show, but mainly because I lusted after KITT.  Didn’t watch this one, which I gather is a two-hour pilot for a possible series.

  21. Didn’t watch this, mostly because I don’t watch TV—a convenient arrangement which spares me loads of pain and suffering on a daily basis, according to friends’ reviews of most of the shows out there.  But if I had TV?  I’d have totally watched it.  I loved KITT.  He was always 50 times cooler than the Hoff.

    And I must admit to reading Don’t Hassel the Hoff from cover to cover… I’m so ashamed.  I must concur with Mr. Sarah—it was horrible, and I enjoyed it immensely.  It was so bad, so rambling, so passive in voice, so dull in tone, so… enthralling.  Why?  How did it suck me into its grip?  I don’t understand, truly.  The man has no idea how to tell a compelling, suspenseful, or amusing tale, yet I read every word.  Truly book-crack if there ever was book-crack.

    Sounds like the writers of this movie/show didn’t bother learning that instant-crack-addiction trick from him, huh?

  22. Genevieve P. says:

    Watching it now. 

    It’s sad – it’s such a loved show and potential gold mine, and this movie is so … half-assed.  Each scene looks like they just plopped the camera down and started rolling without rehearsing or anything.  The writing is beyond terrible.  I guess it’s fun for kitsch factor, but it’s kind of a sad waste of potential.

  23. Love the review!

    I had to turn it off.  The poor writing nearly made me puke. 

    I tried to hang on, because I agree, Justin Bruenig rose above the material and has a great career ahead of him.

    But I couldn’t.

    I actually had to do the equivalent of palate-cleansing before I could get back to my own writing.

  24. Miri says:

    smartmensab-tich says: Didn’t catch this, but it’s GOT to be better than Flash Gordon on the SciFi channel.  Man, when are they going to kill that loser show?

    Mensa, Right on! and bring back Painkiller Jane! They were just getting to the part where they turned the heroine into a mind controlled drone but then will totally drop that plotline like it never happened,  because they can’t make it work… And Riley’s really HOT!

  25. Karmyn says:

    Oh please, Sci-Fi only cancels good shows. Yes, I’m still bitter about them cancelling MST3K and the Chronicle.

    I didn’t watch the movie, totally forgot about it, but I’m sure that somewhere, poor Edward Mulhare is rolling over in his grave.

  26. Chicklet says:

    Guest starring?  So this is the start of a new show?  Surely movies don’t have guest stars?

    Hee! Reminds me of the opening minutes of my all-time favorite MST3K episode, Giant Spider Invasion:

    Movie credits: Special Guest Star: Dianne Lee Hart as Terry

    Crow T. Robot: ‘Special Guest Star’? How can a movie have a Special Guest Star?

    (BTW: So many hilarious Mike-and-‘bots lines in that episode, but my personal favorite is Crow’s “Actually filmed in the thumb-hole of a bowling ball” when the screen is pitch-black at the beginning of a scene.)

  27. Denni says:

    so, Donna…why doesn’t Val Kilmer show up on those hottie lists?  Total mystery to me.

  28. smartmensab-tch says:

    SciFi doesn’t cancel ALL good shows. There’s still Battlestar Galactica.  Yes, I know the upcoming shows will be the last, but I think that was a decision made by the executive producer (?) Ronald Moore.

    Yes, I liked the Chronicle too.  I’ve watched maybe 1 episode of Painkiller Jane, and didn’t care for it.  Maybe I haven’t given it a chance.

    Must agree with the other Val Kilmer fans out there.  Did you see his guest shot on Numbers a few months ago?  I was in hog heaven – VK on Rob Morrow’s show! Yeeoow!

  29. Bonnie says:

    Yes it was bad but it was a good bad. A bad you watch just so that you can envy a car that you would in real life you would have to sell your entire family for. Yes the lesbian FBI agent was an idiot who obviously was not raised by the same tv that I was should have been killed in a horrible manner because any one could tell that sheriff was evil. No cop is that friendly. But she was cute and the implication of a possible lesbian love story between two hot chicks will keep the male market and some of the female market turning back in. Though the lead of a main network show having a threesome was the one that made me laugh.
    It was bad but so so fun. Like cotton candy at a carnival but without the redeeming value.

  30. Blabby says:

    Excellent review to a perfectly entertaining craptastic movie. As for your DVR marching out, we kept worrying that it was a series and we hadn’t set the Tivo to record future episodes until about the fourth commercial break when they said,“and now, back to Knight Rider, the movie.” We were like, “whew!” Even though we were commenting on it’s terrible-ness the entire time. That lead girl was awful. I liked the scene in the Montecito – too bad there wasn’t a Danny McCoy cameo. Thanks for entertaining me some more, after that lame movie already entertained me once.

  31. talpianna says:

    This film, like all those two-hour movies with “guest stars,” is a pilot for a prospective series.  Those which don’t succeed usually wind up on late-night cable.

  32. Anonym2857 says:

    For those of you who missed this, or who want to watch it again to catch all the profound nuances you overlooked the first time, you’ll have another chance tomorrow (Saturday) night, when NBC runs it again. I don’t know how it translates to other time zones, but it will be on NBC at 8:00 pm MST. Check your local listings and set those DVRs.

    Diane

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