The Old School WTF Show Continues

I have a stack of book covers to get through, each one more awesome than the next – and by “awesome” I mean “so searingly neon in color and utterly bizarre in artistic construct that I can only gape and wish with a naughty part of myself that there were more covers on the market now that looked like these, if only for the sake of hilarity.” Or something like that.

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Sarah: “She’d never give her love to the strong handsome cowboy?” Normally you might say to yourself, “Suuuure she won’t.” Come on: he’s shirtless and has a mullet – how could she resist? But what you don’t know is that she’s already given her tender daisy blossom to someone else. And he’s racing in from the east to put a stop to that temptesting right… about… now.

Candy: Aw, man, I wish the horse freaking out in the background were a dragon just so I can yell “And the Trogdor comes in the NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT.” Because look at that horse! Man, it’s pissed. It’s ready to do some burninatin’. Or at the very least some stompin’-the-everlovin-shit-out-of-that-shit.

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Sarah: She may be destiny’s temptress, but she’s got nothing compared to the temptation of self tanner that makes your skin appear the exact same hue as a horse in the background.

Candy: That bilious tinge on the guy’s skin looks really suspicious to me. If you ask me, he looks rather like one of the walking dead who’s slathered self-tanner on himself to disguise the state of his decomposition. She thinks he’s nuzzling her. He’s just savoring the smell of her spicy brains.

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Sarah: The boy is sad because:
1. His momma made him wear pink shoes.
2. His momma is grabbing her own ass while kissing up to a skanky cowboy right in front of his virgin eyes.
3. His momma’s hair matches her cowboy lover’s mullet.
4. All of the above.

Candy: Poor lady! You don’t need to play grab-ass with yourself any more. Look, you’ve finally found a beautifully-sculpted man who’s clearly into going to the gym, shaving all his body hair off and playing cowboy dress up…

Oh.

Wait.

OK, never mind, then. Keep on playin’ grab-ass with your bad self.

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Sarah: Merry?
Yes, Devon?
We are the protagonists in arguably one of the best romances ever, correct?
Yes.
And we pretty much set the bar for historical romances, particularly those involving pirates.
That’s true.
So why did our book cover put us in front of a pepto bismol sea under a purple sky with a disturbing happy jolly roger over our heads? Where are we?!
I don’t know, but you need to have the roots of your mullet touched up.
Yes, dear.
Nice sword, though.
Thank you.

Candy: Dear lord. That cover looks like what would happen if a host of My Little Ponies, after a weekend bender in Vegas, decided to puke it all back up. Except one of them had accidentally eaten a hooker AND some bad props from the Treasure Island hotel in an alcohol-fueled daze.

Comments are Closed

  1. 1
    Debra Date says:

    I just can’t get over the *PINK* field in the background of #2 !! GAH !!

  2. 2
    aliciel says:

    That guy in The Cowboy’s Lover is popping some serious veins on his arm there…or are they worms?

  3. 3
    Monica Burns says:

    I’ve got the Windflower on my TBR for my trip to SanFran.  A friend loaned it to me and says its one of the best romance books she’s ever read. But I DON’T have that cover. The one on my book is simply a nice blue background with a nice flower on it. Simple and elegant. *grin*

  4. 4

    PIIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

    The pink!  It burns!!!

  5. 5
    Meredith says:

    After viewing the gloriousness that is Dr. Horrible’s Sing A Long Blog, I am convinced that the first cover shows the origin of Bad Horse, aka Satan’s Thoroughbred aka the Thoroughbred of Sin.

  6. 6
    lilywhite says:

    Aw, man—The Windflower is out of print?  Looks like some price-gouging going on over there at Amazon.  OH FOR A KINDLE VERSION!

    Gah.  Anyone wanna loan it?

  7. 7
    Monica Burns says:

    Aw, man—The Windflower is out of print?  Looks like some price-gouging going on over there at Amazon.

    Look at Powells online, B&N;resellers. I saw one a few weeks ago, hardcover for around $16. Can’t loan mine, it doesn’t belong to me. :-(

  8. 8
    Leslie H says:

    In the first one, she has to be the worlds tallest woman. She must be at least two feet taller than he is!

    In the second one, my eye is drawn to horse number 2 who is obviously being stalked by number 1. I can hear “Let’s Get it On” in the background.

    In the third one, I think she is holding on to her wallet. His hand is equally obviously reaching for it.

    The final one is a fitting for the new ‘Hold-er-up Brassiere’. He is just measuring her. I love the ring on her middle finger for giving the ornamental bird.

  9. 9
    Kalen Hughes says:

    That cover looks like what would happen if a host of My Little Ponies, after a weekend bender in Vegas, decided to puke it all back up. Except one of them had accidentally eaten a hooker AND some bad props from the Treasure Island hotel in an alcohol-fueled daze.

    Candy. She breaks me.

    And am I the only one wondering what the hell drug the mother of the “Cowboy” took while pregnant? His humerus is like four inches too short. He’s practically a thalidomide flipper man.

  10. 10

    Candy, the legal community doesn’t deserve your brilliance.  But the rest of us do.

    And yes, that’s the copy of The Windflower that I have.  There’s something wrong with this world when one of the classics of historical romance gets that cover.

  11. 11
    Wryhag says:

    Well, duh, the lady is playing grab-ass with herself because her cowboy’s arm is in a sling!  For all we know, his dick and his nuts are in there, too.  (Kid in the background might be a whole lot meaner than he looks . . .)

  12. 12
    Tina says:

    #3:  In front of the the kid, really?  I mean, is that the best audience they could get?

    #4:  The couple is kind of hot (for once).

  13. 13

    Dear lord. That cover looks like what would happen if a host of My Little Ponies, after a weekend bender in Vegas, decided to puke it all back up. Except one of them had accidentally eaten a hooker AND some bad props from the Treasure Island hotel in an alcohol-fueled daze.

    Damn.  Why haven’t my trips to Vegas resulted in something like this? I must not be drinking the right shit.

  14. 14
    Chicklet says:

    Dear Old-School Cover Artists,

    What is up with those random animals in the background? Was it some sort of requirement from the publishers? Did your guild demand it as proof of membership? EXPLAIN, PLEASE.

    Sincerely,
    Chicklet.

  15. 15
    Lyvvie says:

    I was thinking the Ginger on Destiny’s Temptress must be thinking “It’s a triple hook. With a rack like this I need extra support. He’s not getting it, is he. Oh just let me get it myself…”

    I’ve been there.

  16. 16
    LeaF says:

    That first cover makes my eyes jump, the next step is an epileptic seizure.

    All I can say – flash backs to the 1980’s, shakes head and sighs.

    Your comments – ROFL.

  17. 17
    TracyS says:

    The My Little Pony comments just killed me~ROFLMAO!

    And the Cowboy cover~in front of the kid~srsly?! ICK!!

  18. 18
    corrine says:

    Okay, I have never read Windflower, but I am now determined to get my hands on a copy. Even if I do have to pay $25 for a mass market paper back. I will laminate that sucker and make it live forever.

  19. 19

    Dear Old-School Cover Artists,

    What is up with those random animals in the background? Was it some sort of requirement from the publishers? Did your guild demand it as proof of membership? EXPLAIN, PLEASE.

    Sincerely,
    Chicklet.

    Seriously, I was wondering the same thing myself. Are these book cover illustrators weird in the head or is this just a fast way for them to make money and so they attempt to make fun of us romance readers with their hideous covers hoping we’ll be too ashamed to read them? I do remember I’m not the only who thinks half the appeal of e-books for romance readers is that we don’t have to sit on the bus bearing a ridiculously embarrassing (and often BAD) romance cover to the world.

  20. 20
    willa says:

    I actually really love these covers. They’re all so delightfully campy and colorful, and the horsies and the daisies and the neon eyeshadow and eeeeee! I love them. I’m bored already with the tasteful, bland, personality-free covers that we have today. Although all of the cover models on these books are just the same woman with different-colored hair, I don’t care. Love ‘em!

  21. 21
    Wendy says:

    The manflesh of the Texas Tempest seems to be lacking in limbs.  Honestly, where has his leg gone?  Eaten by magenta mist? …or Trogdor the horse?  Maybe the horse is coming back for seconds.

    yikes.

  22. 22
    SusanL says:

    I want to know what is up w/Cowboy Woman’s hand??  It is knarly, knotty and BIG!  With short pointy fingernails?  It is as big as fake Cowboy’s hand.  It’s a monster hand.

    Maybe she IS a monster.  Maybe she has to shift to her true monster self when she mates with the human fake cowboy?

  23. 23
    Catherine says:

    The second one, “Destiny’s Temptress”, totally reminds me of the old musical “Seven Brides for Seven Brothers”.  Anyone else?  …No?  Come on, look at the colors!  …Still no?  Never mind then.

  24. 24
    Gwen says:

    Guy number two is skinny and looks like he’s growing horse #2 out of his head.

    Damn.  Why haven’t my trips to Vegas resulted in something like this? I must not be drinking the right shit.

    You’re apparently not drinking them out of the fishbowl glasses SB Sarah like to drink out of.  ;-)

    Spaminator word:  example26 – YES SHE IS!  :lol:

  25. 25
    karmelrio says:

    I want to know what is up w/Cowboy Woman’s hand??  It is knarly, knotty and BIG!  With short pointy fingernails?  It is as big as fake Cowboy’s hand.  It’s a monster hand.

    MANHANDS.

  26. 26
    Cyranetta says:

    One can see from Texas Tempest why it’s probably more convincing to have one’s heroine’s eyes closed. One runs the risk of having the heroine look asleep or dead, but slumbrous pleasure can at least be approximated. Texas Tempest temptress looks goosed or distracted by unseen wildlife.

  27. 27
    Suzanne says:

    Karmelrio…MANHANDS…hilarious!  Maybe SHE is the one that broke fake cowboy’s arm and why the kid is keeping his distance…MANHANDS doesn’t know her own strength!!

  28. 28
    Mantelli says:

    Corinne, there’s a large print paperback of Windflower over at ebay for under $6 right now.  Better snap it up!

  29. 29
    Lizzy says:

    I also love these old covers. They are hilarious. Also, they are totally honest.

    For example, when I see Texas Tempest, I know I can expect a lusty read in which a beautiful heroine and a handsome cowboy will have a passionate love affair in front of a blazing hot sun that eventually consumes the entire earth and all its helpless white ponies. In Destiny’s Temptress, I know I will enjoy a story that features a beautiful heroine with color-treated hair and a handsome hero who should regularly see a dermatologist to assess his skin cancer risks. Also, that they will fuck in front of what appears to be either a.) Tara or b.) Forrest Gump’s house.

    And when I read The Cowboy’s Lover, I understand I will be savoring a story about a beautiful heroine and a “cowboy” who employs a sling to garner the attention of single mothers, which sort of reminds me of that A&E;show I saw revealing how Ted Bundy operated, so I probably won’t actually read this one.

  30. 30
    Beth says:

    what is that rectangular thing in the upper right hand corner of the first two covers? Looks kinda like a maxi-pad for the great mother of all periods.

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