Smart Podcast, Trashy Books, May 3, 2024

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Hello and welcome to episode number 613 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, Amanda is with me, and we are traveling back in time to May 1994 and taking a look at the book reviews inside Romantic Times magazine. We are answering many questions, including why does five stars mean something is a classic, but one star is acceptable? What grade did Dreaming of You by Lisa Kleypas receive in this issue? And what do CS, RM, VR, and FU stand for inside Contemporary and New Reality? Y’all, this episode is a trip! We have so much Fabio; there’s a telepathic cat. Just hang out with us; it’s going to be a great time. I will have links to everything we talk about, but most importantly, there will be a link to the visual aids, and you do not want to miss the mullets, the mullets and the covers. Listen, romance novel covers from 1994 are a treat for your eyeballs, so look for the link inside the show notes to take you to the visual aids. You can listen and follow along and gaze at all of the fuchsia majesty.

I want to say a special hello and thank-you to the Patreon community. The Patreon community is keeping me going. These episodes are a bigger production, and the support from the Patreon means a lot to me. It means that we have an ample and accurate transcript compiled by garlicknitter – hey, garlicknitter! [Hiya! – gk] – and you are making sure the show continues and remains available to all the people who want to go back to 1994 with us.

I want to say hello to Susan A, who is a new member of the Patreon community – hello, Susan! – and I have a compliment!

To Lisa S: There are some plants near you that are coordinating an epic bloom of truly gorgeous colors and shapes, and they want to make sure that you see it because they are trying to echo the beauty that you put into the world.

If you would like a compliment of your very own or you would like to support this here podcast, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches.

Support for this episode comes from Lume Deodorant. If you are looking to feel confident head to toe, have you considered making the switch to Lume? Lume is a game-changing whole-body deodorant powered by mandelic acid that controls odor everywhere. Developed and designed by an OB/GYN, Lume delivers an outrageous seventy-two-hour odor control, thanks to its one-of-a-kind pH-optimized formula. And I have a special offer: new customers get fifteen percent off of all Lume products with our exclusive code and link. Use code SARAH15 at lumedeodorant.com. That’s L-U-M-E D-E-O-D-O-R-A-N-T dot com. The thing I like most about Lume is that I don’t have to think about it. I put it on, it works, and then I don’t worry. Even when it’s like ninety outside; what is with that? I also know from my research – and I’m not the only one who methodically researches personal products, right? – a lot of people depend on and recommend Lume, especially in communities that focus on bodily changes that come with menopause and in communities that focus on helping people with chronic illnesses, especially the kind that might make it difficult to shower every day. Lume’s Starter Pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant; a cream tube deodorant; two free products of your choice, like a mini body wash and deodorant wipes; and free shipping. As a special offer for listeners, new customers get fifteen percent off of all Lume products with our exclusive code, and if you combine the fifteen percent off with the already discounted Starter Pack, that equals over forty percent off the Starter Pack. And the products in the Starter Pack last a long, long time. Use code SARAH15, S-A-R-A-H fifteen, for fifteen percent off your first purchase at lumedeodorant.com. That’s SARAH15 at L-U-M-E D-E-O-D-O-R-A-N-T dot com. Thank you to Lume for sponsoring this episode, and thank you for supporting our advertisers.

All right, let’s do this podcast. We’re going back in time to 1994! Grab your hairspray; grab your fuchsia; it’s time. On with the podcast.

[music]

Amanda: I was delighted by this issue.

Sarah: I cannot wait to hear all of your thoughts about this issue, because this is, as the academics say, a rich text. This is a rich frigging text. Starting with the cover, which we’ll get to more in ads and features. First of all, I posted pictures from this?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: And Sharon Spiak, who I did an interview with, commented that she painted Mr. Oates with his mullet. That’s her painting! She has that –

Amanda: What?!

Sarah: – in storage, and it is life size.

Amanda: How much, how much for that painting?

Sarah: I did ask, and I don’t know if she replied. Let –

Amanda: She’s like, It’s not for sale!

Sarah: Well, she said you – No! She said, I have even considered painting it out and replacing it. It, it is for sale or display somewhere, in case anyone is interested, and I…How much are you selling it for? I probably should make that a private inquiry? But –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – wow! Wow. Wow. It’s –

Amanda: There’s something about that image.

Sarah: Oh –

Amanda: It’s, it’s got a smolder.

Sarah: Oh yeah. Oates is smoldering.

Amanda: Yeah. [Laughs]

Sarah: I don’t know the character’s name. That’s John Oates from Hall & Oates. It’s Oates, Oates, Cowboy Oates is, is – [laughs] – is smoldering.

Amanda: Excuse me, ma’am, your, your Oates are smoldering.

[Laughter]

Amanda: Come get your Oates.

Sarah: So we’re starting with the reviews. We’ll spend more time with the cover in the ads and features episode –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – but we’re starting with the reviews, and I just need to tell you that, first of all, this is such a newsprint. Like, this issue is extremely delicate. I was very careful with it –

Amanda: I know.

Sarah: – and when I was little my grandmother used to read The New York Times wearing a pair of white cotton gloves because the ink would get all over her hands –

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: – and she’s like, You know, I, then I would touch my face, and I’d get it on my glasses, and I would always get it on my clothes, and so she just started reading the Times wearing gloves. That is exactly what happened with this issue. My scanner –

Amanda: Still?

Sarah: – is right here –

Amanda: Still bleeding?

Sarah: Yes. The, the ink – I had fingerprints all over the lid of the scanner; I had to clean the glass? I was like, I cannot touch anything.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: This is the most newsprint and it, and it is, what, May 1994? It is thirty years old? Holy shit, right?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: That math is math-ing?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Thirty years old? It is, this is probably one of the oldest ones that I have that have been donated to me by nice people, and the newsprint is newsprint-ing. I also did not think there were reviews in here, because I found Historical – so I just want to give you guys a sense like page 36 of the PDF is where you find Historical. The next set of reviews are not till page 104. So there’s this huge gap, and I’m like, are there only reviewing historicals? Is that all we’re getting? But no, they’re all in the back.

Amanda: [Laughs] And you have to think, like, of the time where, like, historicals are, were dominating.

Sarah: So PDF page 36 is the Historical review that I wanted to talk about. The reviews range from two to four and a half stars. I did not see any fives, but there are a lot of books, and there are a lot of publishers that I don’t think are in existence anymore. Fawcett? I don’t even remember Fawcett.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Pinnacle? Monogram.

Amanda: I also just noticed that under May reviews it says by Kathe Robin and friends. She’s the only one that gets a shout-out.

Sarah: [Laughs] Kathy Robin and, and friends!

Amanda: And friends!

Sarah: And the ratings key is a weird one. The ratings key is weird.

Amanda: Yeah, I made a note of this, of, like, what the fuck is this? [Laughs]

Sarah: So tell me.

Amanda: So number five, if you get five stars, it’s a Classic, which already disagree. Just because I thought something was good, I feel like, does not make it a classic. I have read many books that I love –

Sarah: Yeah, that implies an endurance – yeah, that implies an endurance that you might not have.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I mean, there were some five-star books –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – that I read twenty years ago that if I read them now I’d be like, Ohhh, yikes! But okay!

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: All right, five stars: Classic.

Amanda: Four and a half: Exceptional.

Sarah: What’s the difference?

Amanda: Who knows?

Sarah: Who – it’s fine.

Amanda: I don’t know.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: Four stars: Excellent.

Sarah: Again! [Laughs] What is this rubric?

Amanda: So there is a half-star rating between four to five –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – but there are no more half stars –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – let me be very clear.

Sarah: No.

Amanda: ‘Cause then it goes to three stars, which is Very Good.

Sarah: ‘Kay.

Amanda: Two stars: Good.

Sarah: Okay, come on now.

Amanda: And then one star: Acceptable.

Sarah: Okay. I disagree on so many levels; what is this rubric?

Amanda: For me, like a three-star reading is acceptable. That’s like a C grade; it’s fine.

Sarah: Absolutely banana-crackers, in my opinion, this rubric.

Amanda: Yeah. And I feel like they do change it in later issues, but it’s still bad. It’s still just as nebulous –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – in how it’s…

Sarah: It doesn’t tell you anything! It assigns levels to things that the levels don’t have any difference between them! Like, what’s the difference – like, five star is a Classic? Okay, I understand what they’re trying to go for there is like desert isle, isle keeper. Like, this is a book –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – you’ll keep and reread, but not every book that you love in the moment is going to be enduring, and what’s the difference between Exceptional, Excellent, Very Good, Good, and Acceptable? That seems like a very narrow range!

Amanda: I also think it’s interesting that none of these stars indicate Bad. Right? Like, there’s no –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – This was not worth reading; skip this one. Like, there’s no demarcation of, like, We Did Not Enjoy This, like, shorthand.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: So yeah, I – [laughs]

Sarah: So on page 36, this, this is when Dreaming of You by Lisa Kleypas came out, and I was so tickled –

Amanda: I made a note. I made a note. I was like, I saw you pick this one, and I was like, Sarah, I swear to God, you better not shit on this book. I love this book with my whole heart. I wrote a Squee review for the website. Like, do not say anything bad about this precious book to me.

Sarah: Now, even if I disagreed with you, which I don’t – I do like this book –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – I feel like trashing Dreaming of You is like giving a Taylor Swift album a bad review and putting your name on it. Do you really want to invite that level of annoyance? Like, you don’t; you just don’t. So I, I will not make anyone – fear not! Everything’s fine.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Here is the review for Dreaming of You:

>> Avon, four stars: Excellent.

Now, that is not a four and a half, and that is not a five. Now, I would argue that this is indeed a classic.

Amanda: Yeah. I would…

Sarah: We’re still talking about this book, right?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: >> Setting: Regency England.

And a feature that I really like:

>> Previous titles: Then Came You and Only in Your Arms.

Amanda: Love this. I love that they did this.

Sarah: I think that’s really useful information. The rubric is meaningless; the additional information is great. So this is the review:

>> While on a research trip into London’s underworld, novelist Sara Fielding saves gambling club owner Derek Craven’s life. All Sara wants is a chance to gather information for her next novel in Derek’s club. Having risen from poverty to wealth, Derek is a hardened man who deliberately keeps a wall of ice around his heart. He has no desire to allow a country innocent like Sara into his infamous club or his life. But the intrepid miss charms Derek’s employees until he has no choice but to allow her free run of the place.

Really, my guy?

>> Tired of being –

Amanda: No choice.

Sarah: No choice.

>> Tired of being a simple country girl, Sara casts off her inhibitions –

Ruh-roh!

>> – and attends one of Derek’s notorious assemblies. Behind a mask, she becomes her own book’s heroine and finds herself in Derek’s arms. Learning his mistake, Derek sends Sara away, and she eventually returns home dreaming not of her long-time fiancé, but of Derek. With some judicious matchmaking by Lady Lily, Derek and Sara are forced to confront their true feelings for one another, and while they are just discovering happiness, another plots their downfall.

>> Readers will be enchanted with this refreshing yet poignant romance. Lisa Kleypas has created three-dimensional characters and a plot that will keep you entertained from beginning to end. Sensual!

Amanda: [Laughs] That’s right, we’re still doing –

Sarah: Sensual! And also, if you’d like to feel bad, I’m sorry to inform you that this price is four dollars and ninety-nine cents.

Amanda: Oh boy!

Sarah: Which, by the way –

Amanda: The same price as this magazine!

Sarah: It’s the same price as the magazine, and that is a sale price for books right now. Like, people can tell me a book is on sale –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – for $4.99, and I’ll be like, That’s a good discount. But now – ‘cause back then, that was a new book price!

Amanda: I can’t even get, like, a fucking coffee for four dollars.

Sarah: I, I can get one from the machine in my house! [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah, no, but if I’m out –

Sarah: Yeah, no, mm-mm.

Amanda: – no way!

Sarah: There’s not a chance. So what was your pick? Oh, I also want to point out, by the way, Fabio’s book got two stars. But Fabio’s book two star means Good? Like –

Amanda: Good!

Sarah: – it’s not good. It’s not a good book.

Amanda: Fabio is very prominent in this issue.

Sarah: Oh my God, there is a lot of Fabio.

Amanda: We’ll talk about it in features, ‘cause he’s everywhere.

Sarah: He’s very featured in this issue –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – is what we’re saying here. He’s, yeah, he’s pointing at you. Now he’s just everywhere. So what was your pick?

Amanda: So mine’s on the next page, on page 37, and it’s Prince of Thieves by Melinda McRae –

Sarah: Ooh, I’m so glad you picked this one!

Amanda: – published by Topaz. It got four stars: Excellent. Setting is Regency England; previous titles An Unlikely Attraction and Country Wedding. The first paragraph got me.

>> Honoria [On-uh-REE-uh] –

Am I pronouncing that right?

>> Honoria must claim –

Sarah: Honoria [Ah-NOR-ee-uh]

Amanda: On-, Honoria?

Sarah: Honoria.

Amanda: Honoria.

>> – must reclaim –

Sarah: I mean, you can say it however you want. This person isn’t real. Say it however you like!

Amanda: [Laughs] Honoria sounds better.

>> Honoria must reclaim her necklace, even if it means saving notorious thief Gentleman Jack Derry from the hangman’s noose and hiring him to steal her inheritance back from her uncle.

That sounds cool.

Sarah: Go, girl! Get him!

Amanda: >> The charming, roguish thief can hardly believe that he is not to hang, but is to masquerade as the lovely young lady’s fiancé while purloining her pearl and ruby necklace. Jack knows the ways of the gentry and can easily fit in Honoria’s plan, but he does not expect to be enchanted with his innocent yet sensual partner in crime. On her uncle’s estate, Honoria and Jack become entangled in a desperate gambit. While trying to fool others, they find themselves falling in love and awakening a deep and dangerous passion. In order to save Honoria and regain what is rightfully hers, Jack is forced to stop hiding from his painful past and to learn to trust in the power of love.

>> Melinda McRae’s Prince of Thieves is a delightful, fast-paced, playful, sensual romp. Melinda McRae moves into the world of longer historical romance with ease, and her latest tale will garner her many new and adoring fans. Sensual!

Sarah: Sensual! Now, the, there are very few images of the cover of this book, but I will drop this into the document?

Amanda: Yeah, I want to look at it.

Sarah: There, this is a man embracing a woman against a wall, and it’s mostly his back, and he is shirtless, because obviously, and he is wearing some extremely shiny, extremely tight pants, and so the thing – even though this is a bad scan and the color quality is very dark, the brightest thing on there is the curve of his ass cheek.

Amanda: That’s a Christmas ham in there.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Excuse me, sir, is there a ham in your pants? I’m like I’m playing Witcher and I’ve just murdered a bandit and looted his pants for some ham.

Amanda: That’s a shapely buttock –

Sarah: It is!

Amanda: – [laughs] – if I do say so myself.

Sarah: So whoever painted this was having a really good time with the highlighting, ‘cause these are shiny, tight pants. They’re like, what, gold or cream colored and –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I will put this image in the show notes, or in the visual aids, fear not, because, yeah, it’s a tight ass.

So moving on to Series. We now have to scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll all the way to the end of the magazine. I honestly thought there weren’t more reviews!

Amanda: No.

Sarah: Yeah! And there, and there’s all those author profiles in the middle, where the authors –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – are, like, introducing their books to you, and I was like, am I just going to have to be like, okay, pick a historical and pick an author profile? Because, like, there’s no reviews. But if found them! They’re all in the back!

Amanda: I’m very curious at what point RT, like, Book Club became RT Book Reviews?

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: Because then, like, the magazine does become mostly reviews.

Sarah: Mm-hmm. So there are three, three one-star reviews, but to, to recap, one star means Acceptable. Now, if we’re giving a book –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – an F or like a D, that means there’s some serious problems here, and we’re going to go on about them for probably, what twenty-five hundred, three thousand words? We’ve got things to say.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Which one did you pick?

Amanda: So I found, this was a little hard to choose, but I picked, on page 97, Lynn Erickson’s Dancing in the Dark. I just love it when kind of – [laughs] – things go, go left. It, it gets two stars.

Sarah: Is it, does it get a little kooky. [Laughs]

Amanda: It gets a little kooky.

Sarah: Awesome!

Amanda: Two stars, which is Good, need I remind everyone, and this is part of the Harlequin Superromance line.

>> In Lynn Erickson’s Dancing in the Dark, a steely, cynical mercenary finds his tough-guy image shattered when he agrees to help a naïve and vulnerable socialite kidnap her son from his wealthy Greek father.

Sarah: Oh boy! That’s going to end badly.

Amanda: So pause for a second. I feel like he’s a mercenary, and I don’t understand how his tough-guy image is shattered when he is literally hired to kidnap a child.

Sarah: [Laughs] That does seem to fall under, you know, on his LinkedIn, you know, in his LinkedIn job history, when he writes Mercenary, you know, child kidnapping would fit in under that heading, right? I wonder if that’s on LinkedIn.

Amanda: It’s like, What are your skills? You know how…put your skills.

Sarah: Child aband-, child abduction, that is a skill that I have –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – in my LinkedIn under Mercenary. Yeah, you’re right –

Amanda: That’s like –

Sarah: – fits.

Amanda: >> While the story is unevenly paced and the relational development is not always convincing –

What’s, relational development is a weird phrase.

>> – the uplifting ending is heartwarming indeed.

That’s it; that’s the review. It’s two sentences.

Sarah: ‘Kay.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: That’s very much a –

Amanda: …his tough-guy image –

Sarah: – Here Are Words review.

Amanda: Yeah. But I just lost it when it’s like, I feel like kidnapping a kid, abducting a kid is still on line with mercenary tough guy.

Sarah: Yeah, I mean, it fits the image. I don’t know if it, what, what shatters it.

Amanda: Maybe it’s like, Oh no! Now it’s –

Sarah: Now I have a feel –

Amanda: – an actual child in my possession, and I have to –

Sarah: This is peak I Am Having Feelings And I Don’t Like It; It’s Your Fault romance era. Across genres.

Amanda: And I haven’t read a category or a series romance, but I do know that Greeks are a large part of it. Greeks and sheiks.

Sarah: Greeks, sheiks, and Sicilians. Yeah.

Amanda: So I love how they just casually mentioned that, like, the, the father of this son is a, is wealthy and Greek.

Sarah: I mean, yeah, wealthy and Greek! That’s all you need. This, you, you wrote, you wrote in the document that in Series this was hard, a hard choice? It is a hard choice –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – because there’s so little to go on. The one that I picked was on page 104, and it was The Best Is Yet to Be! This is a one-star review, because I was like, Ooh, one star! What’s that mean? Turns out, not much.

>> Tracy Sinclair winds up the month with The Best Is Yet to Be, one star.

Side note: if it has ever bothered you as a reader that a lot of titles are written in all caps instead of, you know, italics or some other way of designating that they’re a title? They’re in all caps here, so we’ve been doing this for, for decades.

>> A lovely –

One star. One star.

>> A lovely biographer’s plan to wed a much older electronics tycoon goes awry when she falls under the spell of his younger best friend and colleague. Very classic in approach, this nicely written romance will definitely please Miss Sinclair’s long-time fans.

‘Kay. What, are you saying, If you like this author, you’ll like this crap? Is that what you’re saying? What, what’s the review? I, I, mm.

Amanda: I mean, I –

Sarah: This is very Midwestern nice, this review, and it bothers me. [Laughs]

Amanda: As someone who was a bookseller and has lots of strong feelings, there are certain authors who definitely have a style of writing that I don’t enjoy, and subjectively I think is bad. But, you know, I could also be like, Hey, this book was awful, but it’s also very reminiscent of this other author/book, and you might like it if you like that.

Sarah: And, and this is, like, even like a cousin to that idea. Like, if you like Colleen Hoover books, here are books that are similar in their emotional impact.

Amanda: Okay, I wasn’t going to name names, Sarah. I wasn’t going to name names in my vague analogy.

Sarah: Nah, I will.

Amanda: You – [laughs]

Sarah: I don’t give a shit! First of all, I don’t care. Second of all, don’t care. Third, I am not a Colleen Hoover reader, and I am not Colleen Hoover’s audience, but I know people who are, so I’m like, Oh, okay, you like big emotions, big emotional resonance, some trauma; we’re going to work through it. First of all, I’m old enough – rock, rock, rock – that I’ve seen this genre type of style come up again. We did this with New Adult, we’ve done this before, so okay, big emotional experience, got it; I know who to recommend for you. This is like a cousin to that. It’s like, If you like this particular author, here is more of the same. It’s even more limited in its, in its lukewarm recommendation. It’s If you like this particular author, here’s another from this author. Like, wow! Thanks for the review of a book from that author!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Moving on to Regency, Regency in format, not in genre, once again. I picked – this sounds kind of cool; might want to read this – I picked – PDF page 104; am I in the wrong place? Oh, yes, I did –

Amanda: It’s PDF page 107, page 104 of the actual magazine.

Sarah: Ah, that’s where I messed up. Thank you!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Let me put that, fix that. Okay. So page 107: Old Lover’s Ghost by Joan Smith. That is a title. Here are some of the titles in this section – there aren’t that many books. Ready? Tempting Harriet, Brighton Beau, Lord Ashford’s Wager, Mother’s Choice, Sweet Fancy – these sound like, this sounds like a horse lineup at Kentucky Derby –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – The Cairo Cats; The Secret Scribbler: Old Lover’s Ghost, Fortune’s Folly, and The Golden Swan. Three of these were not reviewed, I’m guessing ‘cause they didn’t get the book in time. Old Lover’s Ghost.

Amanda: Yeah, so, like, why are they listed?

Sarah: ‘Cause they’re new releases, and one of the audience for this magazine is likely booksellers who need to know what the new Regencies are, I’m guessing. Totally a guess.

>> Old Lover’s Ghost, Joan Smith, from Fawcett, three stars, Very Good. The venerable Joan Smith takes us on a wild and wacky ghost hunt Regency style.

I’m in! I don’t need to read anything else!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I’m in! Like, tell me more, but I’m in!

>> Miss Charity Wainwright –

That’s a mouthful.

>> – is rather tired of accompanying her father from one noble mansion to another, soothing some of England’s most troubled spirits.

Again, I am in!

>> Still, a chance to deal with a famous Cavalier ghost as well as a disturbing new shade is almost irresistible, and for a young lady interested in matrimony, the estate’s handsome owner is a definite bonus. John, Earl of Merton, does not believe in supernatural nonsense and greets his mother’s special guests with considerable skepticism. It soon becomes clear that however real the Cavalier may be, the more recent apparitions are the result of a very human effort to extort a large sum of money from the family coffers. Can Charity and Merton discover the identity of the dastardly villain behind this nefarious plot?

So that’s, by the way, two paragraphs of book report summary. Here’s your review. You ready? Here’s your review! Hold on! Here it comes!

>> Readers will revel in the supernatural delights of this merry romp. $3.99

[Laughs] I don’t, I don’t understand if it’s good or not, but I really want to read this! This sounds wild!

Amanda: It’s Very Good, according to their standards.

So I picked Sweet Fancy. I did read the review, and I, I picked it for the review, but every time I read the title I think of “Fancy” by Reba McEntire?

Sarah: Absolutely!

Amanda: Which, a banger of a song, and, for those who did not know, Kelly Clarkson used to be her daughter-in-law –

Sarah: Yes!

Amanda: – and –

Sarah: And I think they’ve both divorced the trifling men that they were married to, so I want to imagine that Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson have a really, really hot chat thread. Like, it’s very fire.

Amanda: I hope so; I hope they’re still BFFs. But Reba was getting inducted or nominated or honored at the Kennedy Center?

Sarah: Yeah, Kennedy Center Honors.

Amanda: And –

Sarah: It’s such a cool concert.

Amanda: And Kelly Clarkson did a performance of “Fancy” for that show, for that award ceremony, and I highly recommend everyone watch it. It’s not the full song; I think they, they cut it down just for all the performances. So good. So good. Highly recommend it. It’s so good.

Sarah: All right, hang on. I am going to play the most replayed part, and I’ll, it’s, it’s, it’s fair use, folks. Here we go.

Kelly Clarkson: [Singing, obvs] It wasn’t long after a benevolent man took me in off the street

Sarah: Oh damn, girl.

Kelly: One week later I was pourin’ his tea in a five-room hotel suite

Chorus: Yes, she was

Kelly: I charmed a king, a congressman, and an occasional aristocrat
And then I got me a Georgia mansion and an elegant New York townhouse flat
And I ain’t doin’ bad!

Chorus: She ain’t been bad

Kelly: Hey, yeah!

Sarah: Wow! That was made for their, for that voice! That’s amazing!

Amanda: She’s so good; her voice is so good.

Sarah: All right, so tell me about –

Amanda: Oh –

Sarah: – Sweet Fancy!

Amanda: …Sweet Fancy. So, I’ll read the review, and here’s what I’m hoping it is, but I don’t think this is where the, the book is going. So I picked Sweet Fancy by Sally Martin, published by Avon. It got a two star, which, to remind everyone, means Good! The review is, the review and summary:

>> Rising star Sally Martin takes another step forward on the road to Regency excellence.

>> She is the toast of the London stage, beguiling her mostly male audience with the lyric beauty of her voice and the tantalizing mystery of her identity. Always appearing with her face hidden behind an elaborate costume mask, Miss Merrythought is an enigma that the handsome Viscount Rossiter is determined to solve. To his –

Sarah: [Laughs] Merrythought! Sorry! I tried to hold it in.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Miss Merrythought. Okay!

Amanda: Miss Merrythought.

>> To his astonishment, the lady not only refuses his proposition, but ends up a guest in his home as the protégée of his matchmaking grandmother. Is the young woman really the long-lost heiress she claims to be? More to the point, is his wounded heart safe in her care?

>> Although there are still rough spots here and there, Miss Martin has made considerable progress in her command of Regency verisimilitude in this stylish period piece.

There’s a lot going on. She’s a singer who hides behind a mask and is also trying to take up matchmaking and could be a long-lost heiress. There’s a lot.

Sarah: She has a lot to do. Her LinkedIn is very full is what we’re saying here.

Amanda: But there was a part of me that’s like, Oh, she likes to sing and wears a mask? Can we get some Phantom of the Opera vibes in here?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: But I don’t think that’s the case. I was hoping for like a, a Phantom of the Opera up in the theatre, and I’ll drop a chandelier on you sort of…

Sarah: So imagine if the heroine in Phantom of the Opera was Fancy from the Reba McEntire song.

Amanda: Oh!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Look, no one said that they aren’t, so –

Sarah: That’s true! I mean, it could be her! She could just be like, Yep! All right, fine, whatever.

Amanda: It’s Schrodinger’s Fancy of the Opera is what’s happening.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I don’t think I called out this ad, but I just noticed on this page:

>> Harlequin’s first Regency Romp for 1994

Harlequin had a whole line called Regency Romp, and this one is one of two great stories to be found in this double edition, May 1994. The one they’re calling out is A Promise to Return by Gail Whitiker, but the other author is Stephanie Laurens, and they don’t even mention her in this ad. They just –

Amanda: No.

Sarah: – she’s just on the cover. Wow!

Amanda: I like how the title’s A Promise to Return and the, the woman on the cover’s, like, touching her necklace? I’m like, Does she have to return the necklace?

Sarah: I ain’t giving that back.

Amanda: A Promise to –

Sarah: Are you kidding me? You gave this to me; it’s mine!

Amanda: You gave it to me!

Sarah: It’s mine!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Okay, so now we reach the, the mystery that is Mainstream and New Reality Romance, and here is where it gets really weird. We’ve already talked about how Mainstream and New Reality is a very strange way of referring to contemporary and also paranormal.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: But what’s really wild is that there are these little two-letter keys in the summary, and I hadn’t scrolled into the reviews –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – before I tried to figure out what they were. So I figured it would be fun for us to guess what they are and then verify inside the reviews. ‘Cause I looked, but I don’t remember.

Amanda: I already listed the answers! I already went through, and I’m like, Oh, this one’s this! This one’s that!

Sarah: Oh, you already listed them! Okay, so.

Amanda: I already listed them!

Sarah: So here are the letters. The first one is CS, and that’s a Sandra Brown, so I figure that is contemporary suspense; that’s a guess. Then there’s FU.

Amanda: Which, why would you put that –

Sarah: Nancy Cane –

Amanda: – in a –

Sarah: – FU! Circle of Light. [Laughs] From Leisure Love Spell. FU! Obviously it’s futuristic, but great choice of abbreviation.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: RM: Carole Nelson Douglas, Cat on a Blue Monday. RM is romantic mystery, which if you –

Amanda: But, like –

Sarah: – ask me, could be a genre tag right now.

Amanda: Yeah, but also, like, I’m very curious: contemporary suspense –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – is different than romantic mystery.

Sarah: Yes, I think it’s like the difference between suspense, thriller, and cozy. So –

Amanda: Well, like, contemporary suspense still would have a rom- – I guess that maybe it’s like more –

Sarah: Romantic suspense. Whereas –

Amanda: – thriller.

Sarah: – romantic mystery would be more cozy is my –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – is my theory. So then C has got to be just straight contemporary. VR: now, of course –

Amanda: This one was weird. [Laughs]

Sarah: – in, in, in 2024, if you tell me VR, I think virtual reality! And I thought, Oh, we do have futuristics; maybe this is virtual reality! But no, it’s vampire romance, which totally goes with Mainstream and New Reality. Oh, this is a weird category.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Then there’s just F. And I was like, futuristic –

Amanda: I think it’s fantasy.

Sarah: – futuristic? ‘Cause there’s FU! And F. We have futuristic and fantasy. Okay. And then TT, which I knew immediately was time travel, because there’s a lot of –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – time travel at this period of time. And you pointed out something so cool, which I also noted!

Amanda: When I was scrolling through, there’s an Over 45 designation, but that doesn’t get its own little acronym.

Sarah: No.

Amanda: You have to scroll through and find it. There’s like a couple romances that are labeled Over 45.

Sarah: We will get into this when we talk about the ads and features, but the cover models are both from Zebra’s To Love Again line, which was their romance line of forty-plus characters. So it was all characters who were over forty, and it was all romances – which I think now are called, like, mature romances; I’ve seen them called silver romances. It, it, it’s, it’s like you have New Adult and then maybe Extra Adult romances; like, Super Adult romances. But this –

Amanda: [Laughs] For adults!

Sarah: – but Zebra had their own line, and so did another publisher, of over-forty romance, and I think that’s really cool, and you could do that again. Like, it would be great. Now it’s just called women’s fiction, I guess.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So my pick was on page 117, A Love Beyond Time by Flora Speer. Leisure Love Spell, time travel, three stars, Very Good. This cover is incredible. It is very fuchsia and purple –

Amanda: Yep.

Sarah: – and she’s wearing an off-the-shoulder purple gown with a big old diamond and a flower crown, and she’s leaning into this guy.

Amanda: They’re in the water?

Sarah: Is he a mermaid? I think he’s a merman. That’s my guess; there’s, like, he’s like nekkidness in the waves, and she’s getting in the ocean fully clothed, which I don’t recommend, by the way? It is a wild cover. I’m going to have to put this in the show notes, even though the scan is so poor. Eventually what’s going to happen is I’m going to end up buying used copies of these books so I can do high-quality scans? But that is, that is not in my plans right now.

So here’s the review for A Love Beyond Time. It’s so funny!

>> Whisked into Hank Marsh’s computer while trying to retrieve some valuable disks and notebooks for India Brandt, Michael Bailey finds himself following in India’s footsteps back to 779 Francia, or Francia.

Michael is trying to repair Hank’s computer to find some valuable disks and notebooks, but he ends up in 779 through the computer. Computers are a magical thing.

>> When a strange, unusually dressed man falls from a tree at Lady Danise’s feet, she is intrigued and bewildered by the wounded man and her reaction to him. Nursing him back to health with the assistance of Charlemagne’s royal physician, Danise is inexplicably drawn to the stranger, who has no memory of his past.

>> Michael finds himself at home in Charlemagne’s court. He is en- –

Amanda: Court, why, how!?

Sarah: Wow! Well, he doesn’t have a memory, so he’s like, Well, this is fine. We don’t need modern medicine or, or – and it’s fine.

>> He is enchanted by the beautiful angel who saved his life and is determined to win her love. Confused by her feelings for Michael, Danise believes she is betraying her precious love Hugo, who has been dead but a year. In a magical and startling encounter with Michael in the midst of a storm she finds peace and the miraculous answer to a prayer.

Did we just take a trip into inspirational?

>> Alas, there are those plotting to overthrow Charlemagne, and Danise becomes a pawn in their vicious game of fox and hound.

That is, for the record, a lot of metaphors.

>> And to add to her heartache, Michael has mysteriously disappeared, and Danise fears she may have lost him forever!

>> A Love Beyond Time is a warm, touching tale of a powerful love that transcends the boundaries of time to unite two souls destined to be together throughout eternity.

These reviews don’t say very much; they’re mostly book report summaries and then, like, a Here Are Some Words? Three stars, Very Good.

Amanda: A book re-, yeah, like, a book report summary in the sense that you are in eighth grade and there’s a word count, and you’re really trying –

Sarah: To hit that word count.

Amanda: – to, to add like fifteen more words.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: You’re googling synonym for blah-blah-blah. Like, you’re trying –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – so hard – [laughs] – to stretch.

Sarah: I have changed the alignment of my document to 2.25 lines between spaces –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – and have increased the font to fifteen! And it’s still not working.

Amanda: Slightly nudged the margins in a little bit.

Sarah: [Laughs] And then eventually you mess up and it’s just one word per line!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And your paper is two hundred pages long. Whoops!

I would love to go back and read some of the old time travels, although I’m sure they do not hold up. This is wild! He goes through a computer into 779 France and is hanging out with Charlemagne’s royal physician with some Lady Danise? Wow! Okay! This is, as you said, a time when romance was a little kooky.

Amanda: Yeah. It’s like romance, it’s like improv romance. It’s like a Yes, and…

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: Right?

Sarah: Yes, exactly that.

Amanda: Like, Yes, and… You never say no –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – you just have to keep going.

Sarah: Yep! What was your pick?

Amanda: So I am not a cozy mystery reader, and if you’ve been listening to our RT Rewind, I have picked several cozy mysteries in the past because they love a pun, they love a weird little animal, they just love bizarro stuff, and I don’t think it would work for me as a reader, but I love hearing and seeing what they come up with.

Sarah: There’s a thing about cozy mysteries that I liken to playing a videogame: you know how when you kill a, an NPC and then they just dissolve?

Amanda: [Laughs] Yes, just, like, melt into…

Sarah: Yeah, they just dissolve, and then you get the points and you move on? Like, there’s no aftermath of having killed these people. Some, some side plots will like, if you killed this character over that one, then it affects the story, but most of the time they’re just ambient people that you kill, and then they dissolve. A lot of the times in cozy mysteries, the dead person is so inconsequential to the story, except for the part where they’re dead, they might as well just dissolve. Like, no one is upset that there was a dead body in your bookstore and that your cat found it. No one is mad that, like, in the bakery there were entrails. We’re just going to sweep and keep baking. Like, there’s no impact from death in a way that is so unrealistic that I sometimes struggle with it. Though I do love, I do love the part of cozies where they’re not super, super violent, I also struggle with the part where there’s, like, no impact whatsoever and they just, the, the dead body’s job is to be dead and then dissolve.

Amanda: It’s funny that you make that observation, and it makes sense of why cozies probably won’t work for me, because I am that person of, like, I’m watching a Disney Marvel movie and I’m like, Where’s the blood? That guy was shot! Like – [laughs]

Sarah: I should be seeing at least some intestine with the degree of these injuries, Mr. Person with Claws for Hands.

Amanda: I know!

Sarah: Can you explain?

Amanda: I am that, I am that person of like, Where’s the nasty, gnarly stuff? Like, this person –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – be missing a limb! I want to see it! Like – so that – [laughs] – makes sense of why cozies are probably not on, for, for Amandas. But I picked a romantic mystery –

Sarah: As you do.

Amanda: – called, called Cat on a Blue Monday –

Sarah: Whoop, whoop!

Amanda: – by Carole Nelson Douglas, and it’s by Tor, and it got four and a half stars, which is Exceptional.

Sarah: Okay! Ooh, and it’s from Tor! Hey, Tor, good to see you.

Amanda: It’s from Tor!

Sarah: Good to see you.

Amanda: I was very surprised!

>> Super sleuth Midnight Louie struts his snazzy stuff with superlative style in this saucy and splendiferous sally into spine-tingling suspense.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I lost track of how many S words that is! Hang on: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven. Wow! That was some alliteration!

Amanda: And I think Midnight Louie is a cat.

Sarah: Ohhh, sounds, sounds like it.

Amanda: I think Midnight Louie’s a cat.

>> Miss Temple Barr –

Sarah: ‘Kay.

Amanda: >> – publicist extraordinaire, is fast becoming an expert on murder.

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: >> Every time she gets involved with a convention, she ends up stumbling across a corpse! So it’s with great relief that the only strange body she discovers at the annual Las Vegas Cat Show is that of an oddly shorn but still live feline champion.

Sarah: What?!

Amanda: Yeah. [Laughs]

Sarah: All right, TRIGGER WARNING for the next paragraph!

Amanda: >> The next cat attack, however, is infinitely more disturbing and leads to the suspicious death of a wealthy eccentric. Only the intrepid Midnight Louie can foil this fiendish plot against the cats of Las Vegas and save his lady from a very human killer in the process.

Sarah: [Laughs] Wait, what’s that fantasy series for kids where it’s the cats?

Amanda: The Warriors!

Sarah: Right. Is this like their, their romantic suspense cousins? Like, you know how different groups of, of worlds have, like, cousin characters, and it’s a new spinoff? Are these the crime-solving cats from the Warriors series?

Amanda: Okay, speaking of Warriors, I got high, Brian and I got high, we did an edible, and we, I made Brian watch Cats, the original VHS Andrew Lloyd Webber, right? Andrew Lloyd Webber production of Cats that I had on VHS from the ‘90s.

Sarah: Which means that you have a VCR, and I am impressed.

Amanda: We rented it.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: We rented it on, like, Amazon or Hulu or whatever.

Sarah: Ah, okay.

Amanda: Because I was obsessed with this musical, and I still have the soundtrack, and I would memorize the choreography –

Sarah: Aw!

Amanda: – and I would tuck, I would tuck a little scarf into a pair of, like, bike shorts, and I would make my parents watch me as I danced around the living room, memorizing the Cats choreo. Anyway –

Sarah: That is adorable. Please tell me you did this while high. Did you remember any of it?

Amanda: I didn’t remember any of the choreo, but I remembered all the songs, and so I, Brian graciously watched this with me to relive my childhood.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: He did not know the plot of Cats, that the cats are essentially auditioning to die and be reborn –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – into a new cat. So Brian was like –

Sarah: Yeah, they introduce themselves.

Amanda: [Laughs] And for some, for some reason thought that the Cats musical was a musical rendition of the children’s Warrior Cats book series?

Sarah: Ohhh nooo! [Laughs]

Amanda: And –

Sarah: Those are very different things!

Amanda: And we always have a moment when we watch a video while on, or watch a movie while on edibles of, like, just losing it. There’s always one moment that just sends me into, like, hyperventilating laughter, and that was it. That was like –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – It’s technically based on a book of poems, but no, this is not related to Warrior Cats – [laughs] – at all!

Sarah: Wonder –

Amanda: I can see why you would think that, but –

Sarah: I mean, it’s not a, it’s not an outlandish mistake to make, but now I wonder if Andrew Lloyd Webber would ever consider making a musical series about super sleuth Midnight Louie, the crime-solving cat! That sounds pretty cool!

Amanda: So, and then the, the review ends:

>> A dazzling storyteller, Miss Douglas provides a veritable feast of delight for connoisseurs of sparkling wit, engaging characterization, and imaginative invention. It’s no mystery at all why this remarkable author’s audience grows by leaps and bounds with every new book.

Sarah: Ooh, check out the price tag on this one!

Amanda: The price tag is – ooh, it’s in hardcover! It’s got to be! $21.95!

Sarah: Yeah! That’s an expensive book!

Amanda: For less than four hundred pages!

Sarah: I –

Amanda: I want to look at the cover.

Sarah: I did not look at the cover; now I want to look at the cover too. Cat on a –

Amanda: Yeah. I think Midnight, Midnight Louie has got to be a cat.

Sarah: Oh, has to be!

Amanda: He’s got to.

Sarah: Got to be a cat!

Amanda: The book description also mentions that Louie makes friends with a telepathic cat –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: – named Karma –

Sarah: Ohhh!

Amanda: – who’s a Birman cat.

Sarah: Oooh!

Amanda: Aw, those are cute. It looks kind of like a Ragdoll cat.

Sarah: Ohhh.

Amanda: Yeah, why didn’t the review mention there’s also a telepathic cat?

Sarah: How do you leave out the telepathic cat?

Amanda: I mean, there’s already so much to discuss, right? [Laughs]

Sarah: There really is! It doesn’t make sense! How do you leave out the telepathic cat? You can’t leave that part out; that’s important!

So the next two sections are very weird. They’re single pages; one page for Science Fiction, and it’s all listed by publisher; and then Mystery and Intrigue, also each set of books is listed by publisher. It’s also interesting to note that the magazine is all black and white with one extra color, and this one, it’s like a light blue, and I’m wondering if the accent color in the print edition changed month to month or if it was always this light blue. The blue did not come off on my hands, by the way; the black did, though.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: What was your pick of the Science Fiction stories?

Amanda: So I picked from D-A-W – or do we pronounce it DAW? I don’t know – Mickey Zucker Reichert’s The Unknown Soldier, which has two stars, and the review is:

>> Mickey Zucker Reichert takes a break from her Bifrost Guardians series to bring us The Unknown Soldier, a standalone time travel adventure in which a soldier from the future is thrown back to the year 1985, where he ends up with severe injuries that land him in the Emergency Room –

Why is Emergency Room capitalized?

>> – of a hospital in Iowa. Although his two doctors at first believe him to be utterly demented, they see the light when terrorists from his timeframe make a murderous appearance at his bedside. Now it is up to the three of them to find a way to destroy the time travel device that could devastate the whole continuum.

Sarah: Oh man, that’s a lot for an ER to handle, but okay.

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> Miss Reichert maintains a lovely, a lively pace and introduces interesting characters to keep our attention fully engaged.

Sarah: Huh!

Amanda: So on re-, on reading it again, it says a soldier from the future. I thought, when I originally read the review, that the soldier is from present day, was thrown back to 1985, and I was very confused, ‘cause I was like, That’s only ten years, and he probably, he, he grew up in 1985; he experienced 1985. So this is a weird one. It’s just like me getting thrown back to 2015 and being like, I’m from 2024!

Sarah: [Laughs] Oh no, a slightly different thing.

Amanda: This is like, this is like, it’s on me. But I’m very curious how far into the future it is?

Sarah: It’s weird that it doesn’t say; it’s just the future. Let’s not, let’s not put a number on it.

Amanda: What a Logan’s Run-esque cover.

Sarah: Oh really?

Amanda: Yeah. It gives me Logan’s Run vibes.

Sarah: The book I picked, also on the same page, is Pigs Don’t Fly by Mary Brown. This is from Baen.

>> Baen books has two wonderful offerings for discerning fans to savor this month, beginning with Pigs Don’t Fly, four and a half stars, the long-awaited second fantasy adventure from Mary Brown, who made a big splash in the genre with her earlier The Unlikely Ones.

>> A young woman is thrust out of her quiet existence and onto the travelers road, where she collects a gaggle of wounded creatures, including a blind knight, a lost homing pigeon, and a most curious piglet with wings. While this odyssey appears to develop along content-, conventional lines, albeit with an uncommonly rich texture, Miss Brown deftly pulls the carpet right out from under our feet in a marvelously surprising fashion. Don’t miss this brilliantly conceived, superbly crafted, and eminently beguiling fantasy foray.

What the hell happens in this book? It sounds like the setup of a really absurd pun joke. Like the frog who goes to the bank –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – with a, with a tchotchke, and it’s a knickknack, Paddy Whack; give the frog a loan. Like, I don’t – I, I’ve just broken Amanda. [Laughs] She’s on the road with a blind knight, a lost homing pigeon, and a curious piglet with wings. And what’s the punch line here? Like, what, what a weird-sounding book, but okay! Sure!

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: And then finally we have Mystery and Intrigue. It’s a lot of Not Romance in this magazine this month.

Amanda: Yeah! I also noticed that these two sections, Sci-Fi and Mystery and Intrigue, only have one single reviewer.

Sarah: Mm-hmm! Yeah. Toby Bromberg is the reviewer for Mystery and Intrigue, and Melinda Helfer, who does a lot of the other reviews did the fantasy, Science Fiction and fantasy.

So what was your pick in Mystery and Intrigue?

Amanda: So I picked, from Zebra, Dead in the Cellar by Connie Feddersen, aka Carol Finch, and we talked earlier about cozy mysteries and just, like, people randomly finding dead bodies in their place of business or whatever.

Sarah: Surprise!

Amanda: Yeah, I know. And I thought this one was a, like a very interesting setup, ‘cause, like, when I think of cozy mysteries it’s like, Oh, a bookstore or a bakery or, like, a quaint British village.

Sarah: Quilt store. Mm-hmm.

Amanda: Yeah. So I was surprised at the setup to when the dead body is discovered.

>> Connie Feddersen brings back Amanda Hazard, Nick Thorn, and the entire town of Vamoose, Oklahoma, in Dead in the Cellar. CPA Amanda Hazard is going to the farm of Elmer Jolly to help him figure out his tax forms.

Sarah: Dun-dun-duh!

Amanda: >> When she gets to the farm, a storm breaks out. When it subsides, Amanda finds Jolly, but he’s dead. Sheriff Nick Thorn comes out to the farm, and it is his conclusion that Jolly is indeed a tornado victim. Amanda thinks Jolly was murdered. Although Nick and Amanda are lovers – try to keep that a secret from the regulars at Velma’s – it takes quite a bit of convincing for Amanda to get Nick to agree with her. As she works her hardest trying to help Nick solve the killing of Jolly, an old flame of Nick’s lights her way into town, making things a tad too uncomfortable for Amanda.

>> Dead in the Cellar is a gently humorous, intriguing romantic mystery. The suspense element is very strong here, and readers will equally enjoy the fiery relationship between Nick and Amanda. Readers will be delighted with Miss Feddersen’s quick wit and fine style of writing in this story that’s a treat for both romance and mystery fans.

Sarah: That is quite a good review!

Amanda: So yeah. CPA goes to a farm to help a farmer with his taxes, and he dies during a tornado warning.

Sarah: My goodness.

Amanda: I know.

Sarah: That would be an interesting setup.

Amanda: Like, what were the, like, mysterious signs where you can’t tell tornado victim from murder victim?

Sarah: That’s a really good question.

Amanda: ‘Cause I feel like both would be obvious.

Sarah: And you know, if you were planning a murder, planning it in such a way that you could hit somebody over the head with something while a tornado was nearby and then just sort of, you know, leave the body out, you’d probably get away with it if you didn’t tell anybody and you were smart.

Amanda: But trying to outrun a tornado –

Sarah: Seems bad.

Amanda: – and murder someone while a tornado was happening?

Sarah: Seems, seems very difficult to do.

Amanda: That’s a tight planning.

Sarah: That is very tricky. That’s a lot of chance that you’re leaving things up to. I agree.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Little bit less iron-clad –

Amanda: Which one did you pick?

Sarah: I picked, I picked Tickled to Death by Joan Hess.

Amanda: Oh boy. Awful.

Sarah: >> The ever-intrepid Claire Malloy returns in Joan Hess’s newest hardcover Tickled to Death. Ever-sympathetic bookstore owner –

Everybody drink.

>> – and amateur sleuth Claire Malloy is always willing to help out a friend, so she agrees to listen to her good friend Luanne’s difficulties. It seems Luanne has gotten herself engaged to a fantastic guy named Dick Cissi. 

Amanda is thoughtfully not absolutely guffawing into the microphone right now, because, yeah, that’s a, that’s a, quite the –

Amanda: Why haven’t you changed your name, sir? Like –

Sarah: Dick Cissi.

Amanda: Well, in terms of, like, talking about children and talking about kids’ names –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – I feel like a lot of people, myself included, try to figure out, Okay, how can this be spun into something that my kid will get made fun of for?

Sarah: Oh yeah!

Amanda: To avoid that.

Sarah: I understand! I mean, we, we used to do the Supreme Court justice test: can you say, like, Supreme Court Justice Dick Cissi? And also, you’d also probably have to consider nowadays, like, the YouTube introduction: Hey! It’s your boy Dick Cissi! Like and subscribe! Mash that Like button.

So let’s go back to –

Amanda: What kind of YouTuber would Dick Cissi be?

Sarah: Oh, he’d be like, Here’s how to do your taxes. He’d be, like, an accountant. Here’s how to fill out –

Amanda: You think so?

Sarah: – form 624B. Are you doing your 941 quarterly? Let’s go through it together.

Amanda: I think he’d be, like, a toxic Call of Duty Twitch streamer.

Sarah: Dick Cissi? Yeah, you know. So if you can’t tell, listeners, we haven’t talked in a while, ‘cause this is Tangent City over here. So let’s get back to Dick Cissi, who’s now the least, least interesting part of this, like, ten minutes.

>> So Luanne has gotten herself engaged to a fantastic guy named Dick Cissi. The only problem is that Dick’s first two wives died under mysterious circumstances, and the county sheriff is beginning to go through the motions of arresting Dick. Although this mess sounds less than thrilling to Claire, she agrees to investigate, for she knows that this is the only way she can get Luanne to stop whining.

Ouch!

>> Much to Claire’s surprise, she finds that there are some unusual circumstances behind the spectacular deaths, but she’s not quite sure that the good dentist is innocent.

Dick Cissi is a dentist! I love it!

>> Tickled to Death –

Amanda is losing it. [Laughs]

>> Tickled to Death is the –

Amanda: Ohhh!

Sarah: >> – newest enjoyable outing in the popular Claire Malloy series. There are nice comedic touches, and the ending, which is surprising, contains a touch more tragedy than is customary in this series.

Amanda: I –

Sarah: So dentist Dick Cissi has wives that have prev-, died under, in, in mysterious circumstances.

Amanda: Well, look, he has a terrible name and he’s a dentist? Like –

Sarah: And the title is Tickled to Death. Are they being tickled to death by Dick Cissi?

Amanda: Is Dick Cissi, does he have a tickling fetish?

Sarah: Ohhh! And you’re, like, in the chair –

Amanda: I just keep adding –

Sarah: – with his hands in your mouth and he’s tickling you? Oh, my God! Oh, I’d never go to the dentist again! Oh my –

Amanda: This sounds like a horror novel now.

Sarah: This, there’s a lot going on.

So what did you think of the books in this issue? Dick Cissi.

Amanda: So – geeze Louise.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: The books in this issue, as we said, were definitely of a, of an era of romance where it’s just like, Yeah, let’s have a cat solving mysteries at a Las Vegas cat show.

Sarah: Sure!

Amanda: Yeah! Like, let’s, it’s just, let’s have a, a Bluebeard dentist whose name is Dick Cissi. Where does the tickling come into play? You’ll have to read to find out. Like – [laughs] – this – and after we talk about the, the, like, ads and features and, like, the cover, this might be one of my favorite issues.

Sarah: [Laughs] I was a little worried –

Amanda: I think it’s like –

Sarah: – you would be like, This is old and weird, and I don’t like it.

Amanda: It’s old and weird, and I love it is what –

[Laughter]

Amanda: Like, I think my other favorite one is the, I think like the 2015 one, because so many of the titles were recognizable to me and really gave me a feeling of nostalgia for my own romance reading and start in romance? But this is just so bizarro, and the, the graphics and, like, seeing the, the covers in full color, like, you know, looking in Google Images, like, this is a treasure trove. So this is pretty up there in terms of my, one of my favorite issues.

Sarah: This was just a wild ride, right? And the ads and features –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – are really something. Like, the reviews are fun; the ads and features are something else. But I’m glad you enjoyed this one. I think the older ones are very fun.

Amanda: It makes me sad that, like, most of the issue is in newsprint, because the covers are so –

Sarah: Oh.

Amanda: – striking and fun?

Sarah: 1994 covers, especially in romance, are a very rich tapestry of wow.

Amanda: But I can –

Sarah: So much fuchsia!

Amanda: – only imagine the, the cost of trying to print in color all of these covers. [Laughs]

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: Like, that’s probably a hefty price tag.

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. Thank you so much to Amanda for hanging out with me, and thank you to Mari, the Romance Girl, who sent me this and many other extremely vintage issues. I am now caring for them in special little boxes. They have little houses; they’re very excited. I have an inventory. There’s a spreadsheet; it’s serious business over here.

So if you’re enjoying these episodes, may I say thank you for listening. It is an honor to keep you company, and if you would be so kind as to consider perhaps leaving a review, it helps other people find this absolutely enjoyable show that I produce and listen to six times before I put it into the world. [Laughs]

Veronica Snape left a review and wrote:

>> Sarah is a wonderful interviewer, and the conversations she has with the guests always provide thoughtful and entertaining insights.

Thank you! I appreciate that, because I do pay attention and work hard on my interviewing, but also I want to make sure you’re enjoying the show, so thank you for leaving a review, Veronica. I really appreciate it.

I will, as I said, have a link to the show notes and of course to the visual aids. Do not miss them; they are glorious. And we’ll be back in two weeks with the ads and features. And the ads and features are really something to ad and feature about.

As always, I end with a bad joke, and this joke is from Malaraa. Thanks, Malaraa!

Did you hear about the thief who was just caught at the school of music?

Yes, the thief was caught at the school of music.

He was taking notes.

[Laughs] I’m going to tell that to my child who’s in music school, and he’s going to yell about it; it’ll be great! Taking notes. Thank you, Malaraa!

And thank you for joining us in this trip back in time. It is a lot of fun to look at romance novel history.

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, and we will see you back here next week.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[end of music]