This RITA® Reader Challenge 2016 review was written by K Smith. This story was nominated for the RITA® in the Best First Book, Paranormal Romance category.
The summary:
Immortal Vikings are among us
Leif Skarsganger and his elite band of immortal warriors have been charged to protect humanity from the evil Norse god Loki.
Under attack from Loki’s minions, Leif is shocked to encounter a dark-haired beauty who fights like a warrior herself. Wounded and feverish, the Viking kisses her, inadvertently triggering an ancient Norse bond. But when Naya Brisbane breaks away and disappears before the bond is completed, Leif’s warrior spirit goes berserk. If Leif doesn’t find her fast, he’s going to lose himself to permanent battle fury.
But Naya doesn’t want to be found…and he’ll do anything to find her. Because they’re both running out of time.
Here is K Smith's review:
I jumped at the chance to review this. I was so excited. I love Vikings. Medieval Icelandic literature does it for me. I adore romance novels. Romance novels featuring Vikings have never worked for me before, but I’m like a bird that doesn’t understand glass. This time, this time it’s going to work out. Flutter flutter flutter.
Thunk.
I tried repeatedly to finish this. I tried really hard, harder than any erection you have encountered, real or fictional. Let me walk you through what happened.
Chapter one reveals our heroine to be some sort of genetically enhanced badass, and I am thrilled. She’s stealing her brother from secret government lab villains and…storing him in a different secret hospital lab? Whatever. I am wholly on board.
Chapter two introduces our hero, king of the supernatural berserker Vikings and Valkyries. Squee! Sure, it’s your standard paranormal hero in nominally different packaging – he’s centuries old with an inner berserker/animal that makes him invincible in battle and feeds off of human energy: same old, new jargon. Any Norse mythology is either absent or is so mishandled I wish it were. But our hero is jumped by mutant bad guys and our heroine saves him when he’s poisoned with a blow dart! I am loving this.
Chapter three has our hero and heroine unable to heal from the mutant poison, even though they are such special snowflakes. Heavy sequel bait, but I’m not lured. What about this book? Fevers are no substitute for plot. Wooden dialogue, lengthy interior monologues, and constant exposition are watering down the crazysauce. Interest waning.
Chapter four involves the hero’s friends tailing the heroine. She uses them to get away from a government bad guy whom she beats up at a bus stop. The hero’s magical tattoo informs him she is his själsfrände. The concept of a soul mate is lazy, and unimproved by umlauts. I’m through with this book, but I signed up to review, so…I’m just gonna take a break.
In chapter five, they’re both still sick. They dance around how neither of them are human, how they are maybe attracted to each other, how they each want someone else’s sandwich. Riveting. She sees they have a medical setup and passes out from the horror. I am making none of this up, except the bit about it being riveting.
I get the book out of the library yet again to read chapter six, in which the hero works out and tries to avoid dealing with all his problems. I would be mocking this harder, but alas, it’s me, it’s totally me. I at least don’t stomp around muttering “bitches be crazy,” which is the gist of his…let’s call it a thought process, although I don’t think that’s the phrase I want.
Chapter seven, in which the hero takes care of administrative work in an attempt to ignore the heroine. God, I really have to fix my fucking life.
I understand about avoidance and escapism – I’m reading this book, again – but it’s even more boring to read about than it is to live, and my life is unfathomably boring. Wait! Someone has been kidnapped and the heroine’s hacking skills are amazeballs and may save the day! There is a plot. I just hate it. The book goes back to the library.
Guilt drives me to try again. Chapter eight is entirely our hero and heroine making out although they don’t even know each other! Sigh. All the other “characters” are off rescuing a kidnapped guy, but hero and heroine are too important to do anything in their own book. They do talk about oatmeal, so there’s that. You guys, I can’t. I just can’t.
The book is about to be overdue, so I make a valiant attempt and read chapters nine and ten. Some shit happens, or maybe it doesn’t. I don’t care. The hero et al are going to rescue the heroine, who wandered off and got kidnapped? Yeah, I know the responsible king couldn’t risk leaving the fortress to save a warrior brother he’s known for centuries (even though the wild, rebellious king was wandering around on his own in defiance of all rules for his safety when we met him), but now a girl he’s known for whole days is at risk. To be fair, he went down on her and she hasn’t reciprocated yet.
How many god damn chapters are there? Twenty-two?! Plus epilogue. There is no fucking way, my friends.
Let’s see just how bad the epilogue is. Ooh, there’s a Valkyrie initiation ceremony?! Ladies, tell me more! Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, thigh high boots, yup, let’s rub our hair together, okay! And…set it…on…fire…you know what, forget it, this is not going in the direction I had hoped, and I am more baffled and bored than ever. The hero and heroine are together, so if that constitutes a happy ending, we have it, and if a happy ending means it’s a romance novel, this is one. I didn’t notice any romance, although there were definitely some pants feels, but I only made it through 40% of the book, so I could be wrong.
I have officially stopped reading it, which is HEA enough for me.
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Thanks!
“Unimproved by umlauts”! Thank you K Smith for making me laugh out loud on a Monday morning!
I’m pretty sure this is the best book review I’m going to read all year.
Snort laughed. Thanks for the review it was awesome even if the book wasn’t.
Awesome review / rant!
“…but I’m like a bird that doesn’t understand glass. ” I KNEW this review was only going to get better after this line and it totally did. Very sorry you didn’t enjoy the book but thanks for the review. If you started a review site I’d absolutely subscribe 🙂
This book is on my TBR pile and I’m still planning on reading it. I appreciate you highlighting the action and plot points, though.
“To be fair, he went down on her and she hasn’t reciprocated yet.” — I’m laughing aloud at work!!!
Great review 🙂
Snort – great review.
Thanks for a great Monday morning.
If Leif doesn’t find her fast, he’s going to lose himself to permanent battle fury.
But Naya doesn’t want to be found…and he’ll do anything to find her. Because they’re both running out of time.
Good lord, even the blurb is badly written!
Thanks for the valient effort and the fabulous review. If they give out prizes for best RITA review, you’ve got my vote.
“I’m like a bird that doesn’t understand glass. This time, this time it’s going to work out.”
This is the best description of my dumb choices re: shallow contemporary romances. Thank you. I feel so understood.
I so very rarely comment that I feel guilty for delurking just to say that OMG, this review MADE MY DAY. I am sorry the book was a DNF for you, but I am delighted that you ranted about it for us. Thank you for sharing your suffering.
“The concept of a soul mate is lazy, and unimproved by umlauts.”
I. Am. Dying. The barista is eyeing me with 9-1 already keyed into the phone.
“Leif’s warrior spirit goes berserk”
Also, does this mean ‘penis’?
This is the first time I have encountered a romance novel which involves “talking about oatmeal.” Can we make this a hashtag?
You had me at umlauts. Fantastic review!
I’ve been waiting so long for another crazysauce review… thank you for delivering, even if the sauce was sadly watered down. Your review was not.
Sorry about the book, but at least it provided us with a hilarious review! If I were musical, I would name a band “Unimproved by Umlauts”. Since I’m not, maybe that will be my next project name on Ravelry.
I am sure that this is the very best review that I have read all year! LOL
Look, the umlauts line is gold, but how is it no one is talking about this line:
“I tried really hard, harder than any erection you have encountered, real or fictional.”
Because this is pure effing gold.
It’s the worst books that bring out the best reviews.
What a glorious start to the day! Who knew DNF could be so delicious. Thank you, K. Smith
Thanks for a hilarious review that I’ve already reread for my own amusement. Your suffering was our comedy gold and thank you for trying really hard, harder than even.
I’m on the bandwagon and loved your review!
OMG you’re review made me snort laugh but I have to admit, I actually read the entire book when it first came out and have to say, I really liked it. It’s up for a RITA, so there’s gotta be something going on right with it.
Nooooooooooo! Don’t make me feel guilty for loving this book! Hot Viking, strong female … All that was missing were horn hats (although I wore one while reading it). I’m hoping for a sequel, so stop with your awesome reviews!
This review is not amusing nor is it good; it’s just plain MEAN and SNARKY. And she should never have reviewed the book in the first place considering her stated bias against the subject matter. The book is good, and good enough for a RITA nomination and other awards. The fault here clearly does not lie in the book but with the reviewer. This site owes it to its readers to give this book another review by a different reviewer, one who isn’t prejudiced against the subject matter and one who isn’t trying so hard for laughs at someone else’s expense.
You know what’s really sad, Josie? The comments prior to yours were either amused and supportive of the book, amused and pretty sure the book wasn’t for them, amused in general, and altogether pretty chill. Then you arrive, declare that the was reviewer wrong, declare that all the commenters who were amused are wrong, and that we should find another reviewer because you say so.
Short answer: no.
Longer answer: this particular reviewer didn’t like this particular book and reviewed it. That one reviewer is not, nor is ANY reviewer, the last word on a book. You can think the book is good. That’s cool. This reviewer did not. You aren’t right and her wrong merely because your opinion is the positive one. Readers are intelligent and discerning, especially romance readers, and we can tell from a review that is complimentary AND from a review that is critical whether a book is for us. And I can tell from our affiliate sales reports that this review has already sold a number of copies, so let’s put aside the whole “negative reviews are harmful” argument before it shows up and makes a mess on the floor.
Your comment on the other hand, is neither amusing nor good. It’s insulting to the reviewer who volunteered to read the book (and made multiple trips to the library to keep her commitment, which, well done) and it’s insulting to our discussion, which was pretty chill and mellow until now.
This review made me want to read the book… and that it is up for a RITA makes it that much more desirable…it was a very funny review but in the end I will make up my own mind on whether or not I liked it…
I actually read this book this week and completely loved it. I thought the Viking hero was truly hot and the chemistry between them was even hotter. I’m a big paranormal reader, and this one hit all the right buttons for me. To each her own, I guess. 🙂
Ohemgee, that review! I giggled like a school girl. If you’re gonna bitch about a book, humor is the only way to do it. H/t to you for taking that road.
Everyone has their own take on a book and reviews are most subjective. Why the hell else would we be reading? Even though I usually do not read this genre of romance…Dude, this hero can go berserker on me anytime. Totally a fun read, totally a not serious read, totally a fantasy read and totally a hero with my time.
Now you’ve done it. I’ll never be able to read another sex scene where they describe the contents of his pants as “hard as iron/steel/stone” without giggling, “But not as hard as she tried…”.
“talk about oatmeal” and “she hasnt’ reciprocated yet” are the most amazeballs thing about my day.
Hilarious review!
Firstly, as a newcomer to this site (no, really, I discovered it a week or so ago and I’ve been wondering where it’s been ALL MY LIFE ever since), I can honestly say that this review made me laugh as hard as Pregnesia did. Brava!
Secondly, your review definitely makes me want to check this one out just to see how my own opinion will differ, if at all. I’ll absolutely be adding this to my TBR pile.