C-
Title: Hot Spell
Author: Emma Holly, Lora Leigh, Meljean Brook and Shiloh Walker
Publication Info: Berkley 2005
ISBN: 0425206157
Genre: Paranormal
If you’re curious about the various paranormal schticks that are popular right now in Romancelandia, Hot Spell offers a taste of some of the sub-genres. You have your SF/steampunk (Emma Holly’s “The Countess’s Pleasure”), your squicky uh-I-think-that-might-verge-on-bestiality human/animal chimera (“The Breed Next Door” by Lora Leigh), angels and demons (“Falling for Anthony” by Meljean Brook) and vampires and werewolves (“The Blood Kiss” by Shiloh Walker). Lots and lots of rampant inter-species lovin’, yo. *suppresses urge to make joke that invokes Barnyard Sluts Vol. IX* Unfortunately, the two decently entertaining stories in this anthology can’t make up for the one gawdawful story, or the other one which is pretty much just a snooze.
“The Countess’s Pleasure” by Emma Holly
Set in the same steampunk universe as The Demon’s Daughter, Georgianna DuBarry, formerly possessed of a Thoroughly Useless Cock (now more useless than ever ‘cause it’s, well, dead), goes to a stripshow in in Bhamjran, develops a case of the hots for the demon stripper, then hires him to pop her cherry. Along the way, we learn all sorts of nifty things, like how demon spray-on prophylactics work, and are treated to some truly superficial observations of the consequences of inter-species love in a highly-stratified society.
The shaggery in this story, it is hot, but GOOD GOD, people, did we really need yet another fucking (well, non-fucking, actually) virgin widow? To see a rule-breaker like Holly use a hoary cliché like that is exasperating. The love story itself is somewhat unconvincing, which may be an unavoidable consequence of an erotic romance novella. Most romance short stories have a hard time building a convincing relationship between the two protagonists, and in an erotic romance, where quite a bit of the real estate is taken up by fizznucking, the space for building a convincing emotional connection is even more limited. However, the story is fun despite its flaws, the sex is well-written and hot, and the characters, while giving the impression of being perfunctory sketches, are at least likable. I can honestly say, “At no point did I feel the urge to stab any of the protagonists in the face.” Sometimes, that’s about all you can ask for. This is high praise indeed when you read what I have to say about the next novella. Grade: B-
“The Breed Next Door” by Lora Leigh
Where do I start with this mess? The heroine, perhaps, who isn’t just painfully feisty, but pointlessly so. Or the hero, whose obsession with the heroine borders on creepy, and whose motivations in general seem just…ARGH. And the writing style. Egad. It’s not so much awkward as magnificently lurchy. And the sex? Hilarious, but much in the unintentional, over-the-top way MST3K movies tend to be.
What? You want a story synopsis, you say? OK, fine: genetically-engineered freak, Tarek (part lion, part man, possessor of a barbed cock) moves next door to Lyra, pain-in-the-ass extraordinaire. Excruciating attempts at romantic comedy ensue, before it segues into excruciating attempts at romantic suspense. To add insult to injury, the heroine is that marvel of modern romance novel engineering: a spunky, horny modern woman in her 20s who’s in possession of both her own house and her virginity, with no convincing reasons, moral, religious, or otherwise, given as to why she’s still hanging on to her cherry.
If this short story were a little old lady, I’d push it into oncoming traffic. Misses the Cassie Edwards Barrier (by which all F books are asessed) by an asshair. Grade: D-
“Falling for Anthony” by Meljean Brook
Caveat: I’ve met Meljean in real life, and I proof-read this short story during the latter stages of its publication process. Make of my comments and this grade what you will.
Set in Regency England, doctor and all-round nice boy Anthony Ramsdell deflowers his best friend’s younger sister, Emily Ames-Beaumont, shortly before departing for service in the army and amidst some angst. We shall not dwell on the reasons for this deflowering, for yea, they are indeed silly and spoiler-iffic. Suffice it to say: Could have been more convincing.
After a battle in Spain, Anthony is attacked by a thoroughly nasty piece of work known as a nosferatu, but before he dies dies, is given a choice to become a Guardian and help the forces of good beat back the night. Meanwhile, as Anthony learns to be a bad-ass warrior with wings, Emily is facing some interesting problems of her own back in Merry England: her brother seems to be falling ill and developing a rather interesting psychosis—one involving an unquenchable thirst for blood.
The world-building in this story is some of the best I’ve seen in Romancelandia. Unfortunately, this means that the love story took a backseat. In terms of characterization, Anthony is thoroughly likeable, but Emily needed to be smacked around with a choice bit of haddock a time or two. Plot-wise, this story blows all the others out of the water, and the horror elements are excellent; I shivered a little during some of the ooky bits, and I have a pretty strong stomach when it comes to this sort of thing. I just wish Brook had more space to develop the characters and romantic tension; this, plus some debut author clunkiness in the expository parts, make this story a C+.
“The Blood Kiss” by Shiloh Walker
This story isn’t bad, just kind of boring. It’s one of those “King of Werewolves marries Queen of Vampires” sorts of tales, and those who can’t get enough werewolves and vampires—well, here’s your chance to enjoy both in spades.
Roman Montgomery, wolf king of Wolfclan Montgomery, has to rescue one of his dumbass younger brothers from the House of Capiet, a powerful vampire clan that’s on the wane. During the rescue attempt, he meets and promptly falls in lust with Julianna, the daughter of the leader of the House of Capiet. Oh noes, can love doomed by all that “a plague o’ both your houses” baggage ever succeed? Bitch, please, this is romance novel, so you know that the answer isn’t just a “yes,” but a resounding “yes.” A somewhat bland story that offers few surprises. Grade: C-
Oh, no. I live at home. Well, actually, I’m at university, so not at home currently, but, no, I don’t own my own home. That might be a bigger issue in the family (if I were in the position to own a house, that is, and I’m not) as I think we (all the kids) are expected to live at home until we get married (or are quite a bit older, at least). It hasn’t ever been discussed or explicitely stated by TPTB but it’s the way things have been done. And, being the eldest, I might also inheret my parents.
Oh, and I co-own a house with my 22 year old brother because my grandma didn´t want my evil stepmother to sell the house if (God forbid) my dad dies before her. I´m 27.
Comparative Penis Anatomy, as promised… (warning: squicky for some..)
also known as Fun Penis Facts. This was my most memorable anatomy lecture in vet school ever, and in fact is the ONLY lecture I can remember more or less verbatim, 20 years + later. I wonder why?
Marsupials (koalas, wallabies, opossums, etc) mostly have bifurcated (Y shaped) penises with two tips. This is to match up with the females, who have two vaginas. This is less bizarre than you might immediately think, because in the embryo the reproductive tissue forms as two little strips on either side of the body, which then fuse together in the middle; only in some species the fusion is less complete than in others. Only marsupials have two vaginas: rabbits, however, have one vagina but two cervixes (cervices?) and the uterus is Y shaped, as it is in most animals (dogs, cats, ferrets, pigs, all have Y shaped uteruses – people are the odd ones out). The rabbit’s penis is not particularly exciting, but rabbits retain the ability throughout life to suck their testicles back into their bodies when frightened, which is a pain if you are a vet trying to find them. Guinea pigs have testicles which are, I’m pretty sure, bigger than their brains,although I can’t say I’ve ever made any measurements.
Moving swiftly on… Obviously all penises have to have some sort of intermittent erectile system, because to be permanently erect is kind of inconvenient. There are two basic solutions to this – the vascular system, like people, where the penis swells up with blood, and the fibroelastic system, like bulls, where the penis at rest (as it were) has an S bend in it, and becomes erect by sort of going PING! so that the S bend straightens out. So bulls have narrow yet incredibly long penises. I have to say I don’t remmeber much more about the FE system, because my practical experience with bulls, intimate or otherwise, is almost non-existant.
Boars do have corkscrew shaped penises, as someone else posted, and sows have corkscrew grooves in their cervixes, so that artificial insemination catheters for pigs are a very interesting shape. But I must admit I never really understood this, because when a boar mounts a sow he doesn’t rotate round and round on the way in, does he, so how does this work? And is this where the expression “a good screw” came from?
Rams have a little thing called a urethral process at the ends of their penises, and when they ejaculate the UP spins round and round like a Catherine wheel (if you know what that is: could be a British cultural term like horse chestnut apparently seems to be), or like a lawn sprinkler, so that the semen is sprayed around in a circle at the entrance to the ewe’s uterus. Apparently shepherds used to cut the UP off because they thought it was a worm, which seems a shame. Rams can mate an astonishing number of times in 24 hours, I forget how many, but they only produce a weeny volume of ejaculate each time, hence the UP to make things more efficient, I suppose.
Dogs do indeed have penis bones, called os penises. I think whales do too. Occasionally dogs sustain penile fractures, which must be very painful, esp if the broken bone damages the urethra (urine tube). Now and again you’ll see an os clitoris on a bitch’s X ray, which is a little squicky. There are a few hermaphrodite Cocker Spaniels in my neck of the woods, and that’s really bizarre.
Dogs and bitches do tie when mating, as someone said. The dog’s penis is rigid all the time because of the bone, but when it’s aroused there’s a huge bulby bit at the base which swells up massively, and when the dog and bitch mate, the bitch’s vulva clamps down around this holding them together, which is why they are tied together, usually for about 20 minutes during which both parties generally seem fairly bored and confused, and stand around panting with their eyes bulging slightly, in my experience. Dogs also produce massive volumes of ejaculate, about 100 ml I think (what’s that – 1/2 a cup in American?) You don’t want to know how I know this. One of the more surreal experiences I’ve had was obtaining semen underperforming stud dog, using a technique familiar to me in other situations, while the bitch he was meant to be mating was held nearby by a *very* gay kennel boy. But enough of that.
Ferrets, like cats, are induced ovulators, but female ferrets are induced to ovulate not by spiky penises but by being bitten on the back of the neck. If a female ferret isn’t mated, she remains on heat indefinitely and will eventually get bone marrow suppression and die from oestrogen toxicity, which puts a whole new meaning on the expression “pining for luuurve”. Therefore all pet female ferrets need to be spayed.
Enough for one comment, I think.
Wow. I don’t know what to say other than wow…and maybe ick. Yeah.
…i liked this anthology thingy.
does that make me weird?
sure, the barbed penis thing was weird, but…i didnt mind…:-/
Thanks Alison, that was quite fascinating.
Is it wrong that when I got to this bit: Dogs also produce massive volumes of ejaculate I immediately thought of that movie Van Wilder? More to the point, I thought, “Huh, so that whole thing with the dog and the pastries could actually happen.” (Now who’s thinking, “Mmm…they’re so warm!”? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?)
Allison, thank you for the animal sex ed. course. Very interesting. I noticed that you didn’t mention cats. I’ve been thru cat heat twice in the last 15 years. It was horrible.
When I first got my Basset hound after not owning a dog for a very long time I was petting him and rubbing his stomach. He was on his back and I noticed an enormous bulge at the base of his penis (he’s neutured) and freaked. I got on the phone to a vet office that was still open all panicked about this bump, what was it?! The tech says, “that’s arousal.” I said, “Oh” (didn’t seem like much else to say) and hung up. I’ve heard of other people doing the same thing. I laugh at them.
Now why can’t a woman be a virgin at 22 years? My generation was anxious to shake it lose as soon as possible but I did know a few women that were holding on to their cherry. I didn’t think that much of it.
Ummm Don’t see why it’s impossible for a chick to not have lost her virginity by twenty-two. Fairly recently lost mine, and I didn’t think it was any big deal that it was at my age…but I guess it must be abnormal judging by what you guys are saying, and there wasn’t any real reason why I didn’t loose it any earlier…
I lost mine at 19 to the guy who’s now my husband, but I could imagine having gone through college not losing it. I was never one for parties or drinking and kept to myself outside a small group of friends. I never wanted to just “lose” it, always figured I’d wait until I met the right guy. Which I did, but only through a series of odd happenings, or we would never have crossed each other on campus.
Wow. Thank you Alison. The ram thing? I think my brain just exploded. Catherine Wheels!?! Bonfire Night will never be the same… So my burning question now is: who will write the first work of were-ram romantica?
And doesn’t the whole ferret-biting to ovulate/unmated females dying of lust thing remind anyone of a certain vampire romance mythos? Not so much brooding creatures of the night as ferret fetishists. Oh joy!
Umm… and the virginity thing? While I agree that virgins in their mid-twenties are unusual these days in western culture, I wouldn’t consider it weird. To me, this implies that a woman should “lose it” by a certain age, which smacks somewhat of historical views on spinsterdom. True, many women have cultural or religious reasons to wait for marriage, but others I know have delayed things until their 20s. Not because of traumatic experiences, either (as far as I’m aware).
Why shouldn’t a woman wait until she feels ready, whatever age that might be, rather than bowing to social or peer pressure? It’s an important life choice rooted in emotion, character, history and all those interesting things that writers love. That’s why it needs to be explained in a romance. We’re so damn lucky that these days we have this choice, but it’s one we should make for ourselves. It shouldn’t matter whether a person loses their virginity at 16 (or whatever the legal age is for you) or 61, as long as it’s their decision and one that they’re comfortable with.
Of course, the romance industry is weird in the way it fetishises virginity. But it’s not just physical virginity, but mental as well (for want of a better term). So the numbers of virgins in romance are disturbing, but for me it’s more because of the way their prevalence, backstories (or lack of, as Candy noted) and plots imply they’re more deserving of an HEA than a sexually active women. And I hate, hate, hate how they are completely ignorant of their sexuality until the hero “awakens” them, at which point they turn into raging nymphomaniacs (but only with him). This sort of tyranny in the name of true luuuurrrrvvve takes away the heroine’s ability to choose. And that bites like a mating ferret.
Good point EAP. I do wish it was explained more often.
THough I also don’t see women with just a few satisfying sexual relationships. it’s either she’s a virgin, or she’s this take-charge sex goddess. Or even sadder, the sex goddess who’s really a virgin…
Well the impression I’ve gotten here is if you haven’t lost it by a certain age then something is wrong with you. Honestly, I just never cared that much. It wasn’t a matter of waiting till it felt right, or waiting for the right guy or family pressure. Just didn’t. So I don’t see anything wrong with the chick being in her mid twenties and still a virgin and why should we find anything abnormal about it?
I was 21 when I lost my virginity. It was not a situation where I was waiting for “The Guy” I just wanted my first time to be with someone who I knew and liked. It seemed like every time I dated a guy long enough to feel comfortable taking that next step, something would happen and we would break up.
I will admit that I did feel a bit like a freak. Now, at the age of 34 that seems ridiculous to me, but at the time it was embarassing. I mostly felt that way because when people heard I was a virgin the generally assumed I was either super religious, or in the case of guys, assumed that I would expect to marry the first guy I slept with. Nothing sends a 18-22 year old guy running for the hills quite like a girl who they suspect has a drawer full of “Bride” magazines.
It seems easy to say that I should have just not told people, but when you are in college, sitting around with a group of your friends, talking, and sometimes drinking, and the subject turns to sex, you either have to leave, lie, or fess up.
EAP:
Marry me.
After all the pressure I´ve been receiving -even from my mother- the last few months to loose it (why does people have to “loose it” or “get rid of it” as if it was a problem?) finally I can have a good speech to shut them all up.
Thanks!
Re: virgins in their 20s, especially in Romancelandia:
I know that several people choose to remain virgins for various reasons—religious conviction, wanting the first time to be truly special and with somebody they’re in love with, past sexual trauma, raised in sexually conservative households, just never met anyone who made them feel the zingy zingy, volunteered at a clinic and had a traumatic viewing of a syphilitic penis, etc. I’m deeply uncomfortable with the idea that women have to lose their cherry by a certain age in order to be considered, well, valid, acceptable people. Sexual choices are sexual choices, and I can respect ‘em even if I find some of them puzzling.
But the virgins in Romancelandia tend to be…well, kind of pathological, and much in the way EAP has described. And there are so very MANY of them, that whenever I encounter Yet Another Non-Friggin’ Virgin in a contemporary romance and she’s all spunky and horny and what-not but I can’t see WHY she’s not a virgin other than so the hero can be Mr. Deflowerer Deluxe, my left eyelid twitches. Because let’s face it: virgins in their 20s in modern-day America are the exception, not the rule.
It’s good to break the mold in fiction, but the mold should be broken convincingly, and for good reason. I can buy into just about anything in fiction—I have read and loved books about blood-sucking corpses in love, for god’s sake—but there needs to be a certain authencity in the characters’ motivations, or the story generally doesn’t work for me. In “The Breed Next Door” in particular, I’d say just about NONE of the characters’ motivations were convincing to me, and Lyra’s inexplicable virginity is just one of them.
Nicole has a good point, too: there seems to be a distressing lack of sexual experience middle ground in Romancelandia. The heroine is either a virgin, a faux ho who’s a virgin, a ho who’s really a virgin in her heart, or a sex goddess. Gah.
I keep seeing references to “sex goddesses.” Is that a euphemism for “slut,” or something else? Can’t say I’ve run across any Aphrodites in my literature lately. I must be reading the wrong books.
I can recall only one author who has consistently written heroines who don’t fall into that virgin or whore trap: Miranda Lee. Based on the number of times she’s done it, I can only assume it’s been a conscious choice on her part to make her heroines ‘realistic’ in their sexual histories and that makes her unique among the Harlequin-published authors I’ve read.
While there always seems to be a little *something* that keeps most of her stories from breaking through to greatness, I’ve cut her a lot of slack because I so appreciate how she will matter-of-factly insert into the story (where appropriate for the character of the heroine) that she’s had past boyfriends and that she’s had past sexual experiences. I’ve also liked how, when there has been any judgment of a negative kind made by the hero for that past sexual experience, there’s always been a reason grounded in some semblance of a reality that I can buy into.
Gah. I just was given this anthology along with most of Lora Leigh’s other Breed books. I loved the demon story, dispised Lora’s one, and was bored with the other two.
I’ve come to really dislike Lora Leigh. Most of her books involve men who are closet sexists, what with considering the girl to be their possession and feeling the need to coddle her and protect her from the world, but the Breed books are the worst. Actually, the one in this anthology wasn’t even the worst. Several of them involve sex scenes that are basically rape. The girl says know, but the guy knows what she really wants and needs and rapes her. Then she realizes that she wanted it all along and everything is all happy. One even involves one of the guys having sex with a girl after he rescues her and she is still tied up and gagged.
Do women seriously want an man who considers her an object and treats her like a child?