NB: Welcome to Flashback Friday! (Yes, we know it’s Saturday, but we can make our own rules!) For the holidays, we thought you’d all like to revisit this bonkers review of Blitzen’s Fated Mate. This review was originally published December 12, 2016. Happy holidays and may your celebrating being joyous!
I swear to God, Amazon is fucking with me. I mean, maybe not. To be fair, I did some Cyber Monday shopping while swigging cold medicine straight from the bottle – and I’m talking about that viscous green stuff you have to sign for, the kind where they don’t even bother to try adding flavor. Still, I can’t imagine what I was looking at that would result in Blitzen’s Fated Mate showing up under “Recommended for You!”
But it did. So of course I read all 53 pages of “WTF just happened here” so you don’t have to.
You’re welcome.
So Blitzen’s Fated Mate is about – I shit you not – a reindeer shifter who works for Santa Claus. Arian (not Adrian, Arian) is an arctic shifter who can change into a reindeer, snowy owl, arctic fox, or polar bear. He’s super excited because he’s finally been drafted into the “Blitzen position” pulling Santa’s sleigh.
Side note: Cosmo, I fully expect there to be a holiday article about sexual positions named after Santa’s reindeer. Donner involves anal.
Reindeer aren’t something I ever imagined sexualizing – let alone Santa’s reindeer – and while I now fully understand that somewhere, right this minute, someone is masturbating to that exact fantasy, I have to say I was happier in my little ignorance bubble.
So. Back to Arian. He’s really excited to finally make the reindeer team because apparently wearing a harness and pulling around an octogenarian intent on committing numerous B&E’s is very prestigious. Fortunately for us, Arian fucks it all up right away. His harness breaks (YOU HAD ONE JOB, ARIAN! ONE JOB) and he plummets from the sky.
Paranormal romance author (for real) Charli is looking out her window on Christmas Eve when she sees something fall from the sky. She goes out into the woods and finds a reindeer laying unconscious in the snow. So she touches it.
Look, I feel like now is a good time for a PSA about not touching stunned wildlife – especially not four-hundred pound deer that could kick you in the head and kill you. Just don’t touch wild animals in general, ok? Best case scenario if you do: nothing happens. Worst case scenario? You get rabies or betrothed to an arctic shifter.
Anyway, Charli touches the reindeer and he immediately transforms into a naked guy with a boner.
Now, at this point Charli does the rational thing which is to go back in her cabin, lock the doors, close the curtains, and spend the rest of the evening drinking all the brown liquor she owns.
KIDDING!
She totally drags the naked guy with the boner back to her place. Like you do. Arian wakes up and he’s all “OMG you are my fated mate! We need to be together!” and Charli goes “Okay!” and they bone.
Now, and obviously I can only speak for myself personally here, if I saw a reindeer transform into a naked guy and then he claimed we were fated to be together, I’d need some empirical evidence to support that. I realize that at times I can be skeptical and lacking in what others might call “whimsy,” but I feel like Charli should have asked some questions before putting his penis inside of her.
Questions like: why are you sometimes a deer? Are there hallucinogens in my drinking water? At the very least they need to consider the fact that Arian just fell from the sky and is likely concussed.
To be fair, Arian is trying to be sensitive to how new this must be for Charli:
“Unless you want me to go? I can woo you, if you’d like. I’ve never done it before, but I could figure it out.” He looked toward the window. “I could live in the woods and woo you.”
Her hand that was resting on his shoulder tightened. “No! I mean,” she cleared her throat as she blushed, “you don’t have to live in the woods. I don’t…”
“You can tell me anything, Charli. We’re mates.”
“I don’t know why I feel so connected to you, but I do. I don’t want you to leave or live in the woods. The wooing thing? What does it involve?”
Her blush deepened, staining her cheeks a lovely color.
“I would visit you and bring you gifts. I would show you that I can be a good mate for you.”
I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts and I swear to you that “I can live in the woods and woo you and bring you gifts” eventually leads to a hiker stumbling across human skeletal remains. That is not romantic. That is terrifying. “Yes, Arian. You go out in the woods and look for a gift. Look for one real far away, okay? Keeeeep going. Yuuuup. Deeper in the woods, honey. Yes, 911? I need police sent to my house immediately.”
Anyway, Charli blithely accepts the fated mates thing, Santa and the other reindeer show up, there’s some arguing, the end. Honestly I was left with more questions than answers.
I mean, Arian can shapeshift into four animals, so which is best? The reindeer antlers would be good for line drying bras, which is helpful, but not much else. Reindeer just aren’t sexy.
I thought the snowy owl would be cool, but then I remembered that birds can’t control their sphincters, so he’d just shit all over the house. The polar bear is too big to hide and too ridiculous to explain to the neighbors. So, then I was left with arctic fox ,which sounds fucking adorable and prime for snuggles, but Carrie’s husband, who is a biologist, had to rain on my parade by telling me that foxes actually kind of stink. Apparently there’s a scent gland issue, although there’s debate on where said gland (or glands) may be, but I’m willing to bet on Arian it would be behind the ball sack.
So, what’s your take?
More fun facts about this book: all shifters are born male and the only opportunity they have to mate and have a family is if Mrs. Claus selects a female elf for them to be paired with (elves are human-sized, BTW). This is such bullshit. The idea of Mrs. Claus being involved in a shifter selective breeding program sounds like a nightmare I’d have after mixing my cold medicine with hard liquor. Mrs. Claus is a sweet old woman who bakes cookies and gets on Santa about his fucking cholesterol and that’s it. I refuse to accept any other reality.
I don’t know what to say about Blitzen’s Fated Mate other than “Well, that shit just happened.”
There are two more books in the series but if you want to find out WTF Dasher ( A | BN | K | AB ) and Prancer ( A | BN | K ) are up to, that’s on you.
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Oh god. The only author I’ve found that does weird shifter romance with reindeers and elves well is Hollis Shiloh. His books are way closer to the sweet end of the spectrum than this crazy AF series (how?!?!) you’ve found.
This review made me snort at work. Also, I’m wearing a necklace with a little reindeer charm that I bought over the weekend, and now it feels kind of dirty.
Sorry to start a tangent, but I’m intrigued by the reference to true crime podcasts. Any recs?
This is the most hilarious review I have ever read! Thank you for making my day and suffering for my entertainment!
These shifter romances are getting out of control, I wanna see more hybrids! Bring on the mermen, Minotaur, and centaurs
But it got a 4.2 star review on Goodreads and 4+ review on Amazon. Why???
This review earn an A+++. Seriously, one of the funniest pieces I’ve read online. I’m grateful that Amazon had a WTF recommended for you moment, because this perfect review came out of it.
I’ve definitely read better reindeer shifter stories. This story line is why you need to discuss contraception and possible childbirth issues BEFORE you start rubbing body parts no matter how they might be getting together.
Thank you for taking one for the team. I would pay good money to read your reviews of the others in the series, but I probably can’t afford what you would have to charge.
@Krickitat – wriggle & sparkle by Megan derr. Kraken and unicorn together.
If you liked that book then you need to check out “Buck Me For Christmas”. I thought it was some kind of joke but there is a series of “Buck Me” books, and they all have 5 star ratings!!
@Melissa: My Favorite Murder, Generation Why, Stranglers, True Crime Profile
This made my day. It was so hilarious that I had to read it out loud to my husband. Halfway through he’s like, “If Arian can turn into a snowy owl, why didn’t he just do that instead of falling?”
Oh…
It only made me laugh harder. 🙂 Thank you for this!!!
I adore Elyse’s F reviews. I wish I could write as entertainingly about a terrible novel.
When I read “Arian” all I could think of is the Christian heresy of Arius, one of the two arch-heretics in Christianity. Arius postulated that “There was a time when the Son was not which just bent Bishop Athanasius all out of shape and the two of them went it hammer and tongs for decades, as did the Church until they decided that the Son was co-eternal with the rest of Trinity.
Every time Elyse mentioned Arian all I could think of was that heresy. That an all the other problems with the story made me wonder if the author or her editor had done any research at all.
As for Mrs. Claus… ew.
The other person considered an arch-heretice, just in case you are wondering, is Pelagius. Now you know.
“Why are you sometimes a deer?” has me in tears.
I thought birds had cloacas? Which are much more terrifying. They are a unified hole for shitting, pissing and sperm distribution/acceptance. Mating through this is called a cloacal kiss. It takes seconds. O.o
I started laughing in my kitchen when I read the following: “I shit you not – a reindeer shifter who works for Santa Claus.”
That is fool’s gold right there and I love it.
I started laughing in my kitchen when I read the following: “I shit you not – a reindeer shifter who works for Santa Claus.”
Should’ve been called A Boner for Blitzen.
You do the Lord’s work Elyse.
This was the most AWESOMEST review I have ever read! LMAO…
So what if he turns into an owl? Men always leave their shit all over the house; in his case it’s just literal.
I couldn’t get past the “why didn’t he shift into an owl instead of falling from the sky” part, either.
Thanks! Your review was laugh out loud funny!
Lordie, Elyse, I laughed my socks off last year when I read this and I laughed them off again today. Thank you.
Your gift to write F reviews continues to bless.
May all have a very happy, healthy, and safe New Year.
I am reminded of another very entertaining F review and that was the one about the alien tentacle creatures who are homosexuals.
Arian sounds too much like Aryan. A little too white supremacy for me. What’s wrong with Adrian or Aaron or Blitzen if it comes to that.
I thought owls didn’t poop but puked out their “owl pellets,” that’s what Dr. Langlslow said in “Owls Well that Ends Well”? Why yes, I learn my natural history from mystery novels. Where else?
*now has “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” stuck in his head*
I love ridiculous paranormal and sci-fi romances, but I think I’ll be skipping this. Especially with the creepy world building in the second book, holy shit!
This review made me laugh! It’s just what I needed to forget the post holiday washing and the fact that I have the beginnings of a cold! Thank you so much for brightening my day.
RebeccaA owls puke up pellets of the fur/feathers and bones, but the digestible stuff goes through their intestine to produce shit so they give you a double whammy.
Review was as funny this year as last, Elyse you are a star, I hope you had a wonderful holiday and are well set to write us the odd F review this year, not kind of me, but you are soooo good at it.
And yet, it has a 4.11 rating on Goodreads. What the hell? How did that happen?
It had a 4.2 last year (see comment 46 by Jennifer, above).
So at this rate, around the end of the second Pence Administration, it will be in an appropriate range.
I showed this review to my sister. She proceeded to do a dramatic reading to everyone in our house. (However she wished the story was more focused on Blitzen getting on the reindeer team. Like a sports romance but the prize is getting to pull a fat man through the sky.)
Most brilliantly hilarious review I’ve ever read. Thank you
This is brilliant! Not going to read the book, but glad it was written because this review rocks!
This review made me pee in my pants, I laughed so hard.
Please bring this review back every year as a present to readers, kinda like TBS and The Christmas Story,
Oh my God! Your review of this ebook is just hysterical! I laughed so hard I cried….then I found out I have this book! God Help Me!
I need a candy cane!
Too funny! This just skeeved me out, even before the second book creepiness added by @Ninja Penguin. Maybe it’s just me, but there’s nothing in Christmas traditions that I can think of that is remotely sexy. Even the popular getting-together-during-the-holidays trope is usually too quaint & hokey for me 99% of the time. Plus, I’m from a tiny town with no sexy holiday parties to be found, so the holidays are all about kids & family, both of which are FIRM no-gos for me in romance.
Maybe I’m just a Scrooge. But if Christmas involves mind-rapey Clauses or all-things-Artic shifters, I’m really OK with that!
PS–These are my favorite reviews on this site! I love it when I find one out there. I’m torn because on the one hand, I want every one of the reviewers to find awesome stuff because they’re great people & I’m a giver, while on the other I fiendishly hope you guys find crazy stuff solely for my amusement!! 😉
Don’t know if you noticed: along with the timing of the reprint of this hilarious review, did anyone click on the book link? The book is FREE right now on Amazon & Kobo.
I laughed so hard reading your review. This made my whole week.
“The idea of Mrs. Claus being involved in a shifter selective breeding program sounds like a nightmare I’d have after mixing my cold medicine with hard liquor.”
Hear, hear!