It’s a new year, and time for a new season of The Bachelor. This season features a past Bachelorette loser: Arie Luyendyk, Jr. Arie is a racecar driver and describes this season as his most “important race yet.” IT’S NOT A RACE, ARIE, IT’S A JOURNEY! Once again I contend that this show is not really about “the Bachelor” but about amazing women forming friendships while traveling and drinking and spending ABC’s money. And I’m 100% here … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor – Episode One: Four Laurens →

I’ve been prepping for this week’s Bachelor all day. Three hours. It’s going to be three hours long, people. I’ve been pushing water. I’ve done some stretches. My husband rubbed my shoulders and told me to “go get ’em champ.” And now it’s time. My liver and I are ready. Last week on Elyse Watches The Bachelor… Nick and his tears flew to Finland to choose between the final three women: Rachel, Raven and Vanessa. … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–Episode IDEK Anymore: Three F’ing Hours →

Welcome to Monday night, when I get shitfaced on Kraken rum and Coke and recap for you all what the hell is going on over at The Bachelor. I watch this shit so you don’t have to. Also we’re apparently on episode ten–by my count it should be nine, but I’ve been drinking a lot so… And hey! It’s Fantasy Suite night! The least classy night on television! For those of you who are not … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–Episode Ten: The Golden Vagine →

Happy Bachelor Day everyone! It’s that time again, when we ride a wave of Nick Viall’s salty man-tears straight on to true love. Last week on Elyse Watches the Bachelor… Nick cried a lot. I mean, a lot. And he mostly cried while sending women home because “I don’t feel like there’s the in love.” Whatever that means. So we’re down to four women, Corinne, Vanessa, Rachel, and Raven. Last week, Nick and the ladies … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–Episode Eight: Hometowns →

It’s the best day of the week everyone–the day when we get drunk on Kraken rum and Coke, cuddle with the cat, and watch human dumpster fire Nick Viall try to find true love via reality TV. Okay, first of all, today ABC announced that the next Bachelorette is Rachel Lindsay, a woman who is–GASP–not White. Good job, ABC! Way to get around to that a few decades late! But seriously, it’s awesome that we … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–Episode Seven: Crocodile Tears →

Previously on Elyse Watches the Bachelor… Last week on The Bachelor Nick Viall went on a one-on-one date with Vanessa, kissed her AFTER she threw up, thereby making me almost throw up, he sent home Dominque after she complained that he wasn’t paying attention to her, and Corinne (now obviously typecast as “the villain”) rented a bouncy castle. The episode ended with Vanessa calling Nick out on his playboy ways (while awesomely making  a point … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor Episode Four: Cow Poop →

Previously on Elyse Watches The Bachelor… Last week I got really drunk on Dark and Stormys while Nick Viall aka The Bachelor took the contestants to a photo shoot and The Museum of Broken Relationships. Corrine took off her top, Josephine slapped Nick across the face, and Liz was sent home–meaning 21 women remain. I think it’s 21. I was too drunk to count. Tonight I’m a tad more sober–and hoping we don’t lose power … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor – Episode Three: Whipped Cream →