Gift Guide 2021: Housewares That Say “Yes, I’m the Neighborhood Witch, What About It”

This week’s Gift Guide is from AJ! 

I recently moved into a new home, and had to confront that most classic of decorating questions: How do I make this place look witchy AF?

There are a variety of ways to signal to visitors that one is, indeed, prepared to whip out a tarot deck at any moment. Some are subtle, some not so much. But what if you want to break out of the cauldron? When Ouija boards and crystals have lost their spice, what’s a goth to do?

Fear not, friends. Although we’re out of Spooky Season, there’s still plenty of weirdness to be found. I have arranged it for your convenience into categories: Smol Stuff, Wall Stuff, Crafty, and Crazypants.

Category One: Smol Stuff

One word: Cool bottles. Witchy folks love bottles. You can put things in them and then, get this, you have THINGS in BOTTLES. Bliss.

Plus, the variety is endless! You can get shmancy pretty ones, or more plain ones.

Or, if you really want to make a statement, why not a handmade tentacle bottle? (Super extra bonus points if you use it to store lube. I’m just sayin.)

While we’re talking about putting things into other things (so to speak), let’s talk beverages. Personally, I never met a mug I didn’t like, but you know what’s even cooler than a mug?

Drinking tea out of the skulls of your enemies. Not only are the skulls food-, dishwasher- and microwave-safe, they’re from a small family business!

And if skulls aren’t your thing, they also have mugs with Viking cats on them.

Ed. note: MEOWCENARY CATS OMG. 

Got enough mugs? Had to make a serious blood pact that no one is allowed to bring even one. More. Freaking. Mug into the house? I feel you, friend. How about some celestial dinnerware instead?

I am getting this raven desk lamp. I am naming him Quoth. You too can be as cool as me.

Last but not least, I know none of us badass witches are ever afraid of the dark, but that’s no reason not to have a cool nightlight with mushrooms in it.

Section Two: Wall Stuff

I am going to try very hard not to go overboard here, because this guide can’t be ten miles long. But there’s just SO MUCH cool art out there!

First of all: Bats. Depending on your style, you can go with vintage anatomical bat drawings or this incredibly adorable drawing of Lenore the Bat by PeppaPotter on Etsy.

Not a bat man? How about more mushrooms? This handpainted mirror by ystreetstudio is lovely and tasteful.

Orrrrrr, if you’re feeling a bit less restrained, there’s always Sexy Mushrooms by CeciTattoos. (She does cactuses and veggies too, btw.)

Let’s break out of the framed art mold. Perhaps you took my advice and went for a couple of cool bottles, but now you need someplace to store them! This snake shelf is pretty heckin cool and also reminiscent of Good Omens, so win/win.

I don’t know if this clock with tarot and zodiac symbols will get us out of 2021 any quicker, but hey, worth a shot, right?

Section Three: Crafty

This idea may be a little niche, but I feel like I can’t be the only one with a fireplace and a deep desire to DIY some bones onto it. It’s a fun craft for the whole family!

(Side note: While writing, I paused at this point and asked myself ‘Is that too many skulls?’ Then I laughed heartily and carried on.)

If you’re looking for a crafty sort of gift that doesn’t involve splashing plaster around (or your landlord, like mine, has absolutely no sense of style and doesn’t want you “diminishing” the “rental value” of the “unit”), then I can highly recommend Shitpost Samplers. They design a variety of fun and weird cross stitch patterns based on Tumblr posts! Two particular favorites of mine are:

“When I Want Your Opinion, I’ll Read It In Your Entrails”

And the more subtly threatening “Healers and poisoners are folks with similar skill sets and wildly different philosophies”

Section Four: Crazypants

There is only one thing in this section.

It is this mummified fairy sculpture (NSFW).

Someone please buy it so it stops haunting my nightmares.

And, by request, here is a picture of my mantel:

The cat’s name is Junie, technically short for Juniper but I don’t think I’ve used her full name once.

Except maybe that time she got in the dishwasher.

What about you, friends and fellow goths? What’s on your witchy wish list this year?