I apologize in advance for this cover, as I know you're all going to scream. I tweeted it last week and people were hollering at me on Twitter for hours afterward. Nightmares, twitches and phobias, all awakened by a single romance cover.
It's so awful, I'm going to put a second silly cover beneath it to help sooth your ravaged psyche. You ready?
Ok, breathe! Breathe again! And look at this guy sniffing a glowing wangsword. Focus on the wangsword before you caption the clown. Breathe in, breathe out.
I think “Focus on the wangsword before you caption the clown” might be one of my most favorite sentences ever. The glowing wangsword spent a lot of time in the sidebar a month or two ago, and many of you commented on his glowing majesty. Let him guide you to mental peace and clarity before you behold the clown romance again.
Anyway, caption that clown! Leave your favorite caption for the clown in the comments, and I'll pick the winner. You can “like” your favorite comments to try to influence my voting. You've got 48 hours, and the winner will receive a $25 gift card to the bookstore of his/her choice.
And if you want to cleanse your palate by captioning the glowing wangsword, go ahead – just tag it “THE WANGSWORD” in the comments so I don't get turned around.
Standard disclaimers apply: I'm not being compensated for this giveaway, except that the clown is now on my harddrive. Void where prohibited. Winners must be over 18 years of age and wearing a nose. A big red one. One Direction gives me the jibblies. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Don't take candy from a bowl if the candy isn't wrapped. Not only do most people not wash their hands enough, but maybe the clown touched it.
So, bring on the captions. And try to keep breathing. Gaze at the wangsword and you'll feel better.
Would swallowing his sword lead to anything more than a pie in the face?
If you juggle with fire, you’re gonna get burned.
Daisy tried to play it cool, but she knew that there was no way she’d be able to whitewash their relationship.
And finally, in honor of the clown mysteriously not casting a shadow:
Wendy had always wanted Peter to grow up, but when she saw what he’d become, she wished he would return to Neverneverland.
I know I told you to dress up before meeting my parents…
Maybe if she couldn’t sleep, this clown would eat her?
[—-]
“Hey baby, my nose is not the only thing that squeaks when you tweak it.”
“In the mood for some funny business?”
“It’s not just the circus that’s going to be coming to town.”
The tenderest flesh is in the arms
Nothin’ says lovin’ like a clown in a costume.
I’m too freaked out from It and that Brian Dennehy movie to even caption. May not sleep tonight with this image despite the sword.
I honestly can’t caption something that horrifying. I’m trying, and it’s literally impossible.
The clown is seriously a romance novel cover? I’m not the type to have nightmares or hate clowns, but still, something disturbing…
“Hi little girl, here’s a lollipop waiting for you.”
“Why?”
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“Susan sure was adventurous, she just wasn’t sure if she was ready to do IT.”
Anna Persson, I assume this is a wonderful Stephen King reference, because the first thing I thought of when I saw the clown with that “The Hungry Ones” title was “It”!
And, BTW, we’ve got a theme going because there’s definitely a Simpsons-type clown face on the crossguard of the Wangsword.
(Sorry, no funny caption. I’m too freaked out even if I had the talent to come up with something.)
Wangsword:
Sir Turgid was certain of his destiny: only he could pull the Wangsword from the stone and become the true king of Romancelandia.
It puts the lotion on the skin or it gets the cream pie again.
BTW. Is anyone getting Stephen King’s It flashbacks? Jesus christ clowns are freakin scary.
Did Sarah have the courage, the faith, the . . . humor to trust her heart to a wereclown?
THE HUNGRY ONES: The Jagivorkian race from Planet Kwyl knew humans were an excellent source of protein. Sadly, the aliens’ camouflage hunting gear doomed the mission from the start – so much for blending in!
Because, you see, I think those two look like flesh eating aliens from outer space in cahoots with one another (if they were not in cahoots, she would be running. Fast).
“Is that a glowing wangsword in your clown suit, or are you just happy to see me?”
I said, “Why don’t you try going down,” not “Why don’t you try going clown!”
Yes, yes we did.
No caption, but has anybody else noticed *her* feet look freakishly long? Maybe they share the clown shoes?
Dave, when I said I wished you were funnier, this wasn’t quite what I meant.
Just when you thought there would never be a sequel to Stephen King’s IT….
Clown: 1) Baby, under this makeup I’m really Heath Ledger.
2) Ya know, John Wayne Gacy was a clown too…
Sword: Cocaine is a helluva drug!
No. 1: “Hey, baby, want to smell my flower?” Naw, I got nothing for the clown and the girl circa 1970. The cover does creep me out in a I’m-never-going-to-go-to-the-circus-again way.
Cover No. 2: Is he a swordsman or does he have gold colored boogers? Fancy boogers!
Can’t sleep, the clowns will eat me
Everyone thought the clown could do better than the strange girl who bit the heads off chickens, but it turned out she was just one of The Hungry Ones…
“No. I said I wanted to be a cover model FOR Harlequin.”
I immediately thought of the song “I’m on Fire” by Bruce Springsteen. When I was a kid I thought it was the creepiest song I’d ever heard. I always had an unnatural fear of clowns too, soooo
“Hey little girl, is your daddy home? Did he go and leave you all alone?”
The Hungry Ones: Dorothy had many adventure after her return from the wonderful land of Oz. She prefers not to speak about the time she ran away to join the circus for some reason.
(I have no idea why she makes me think of Dorothy.)
I was going to try to caption this, but all I can think of when I see his hand on her arm just so and that grin is … “It rubs the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again.” I just can’t seem to get past that.
Don’t worry babe, your virginity is like my balloon animals, one prick and its gone.
‘Its not just my feet that are extra-long.’
Hey, baaabeee, wanna sit on my nose?
Sir Licksalot rubbed his magic sword up and down, up and down praying for a stiffy, but only getting pain for his wang.
I am also freaked, but by Wangsword..he looked as if he were picking his nose.
“Oh baby! Ain’t nothin’ I like more than high waisted cankle pants. Wanna see my little clown car?”
Lillith thought, this outfit works everytime. Now to teach him what scary is…
Cover quote: “Sometimes cute is terrifying!”
Mistah Midnight contributes:
“Where did I get the biceps, Chuckles? I’m here for the knife-throwing job.”
Re the wangsword: “Varlet, hangst thou a mere teaspoon from thy nose? Pah!”
and my take on the wangsword: “Now that I have pulled this sword out of my nose, let me show you what I have up my ass…”
John Wayne Gacy – A Love Story
Casey really wanted to leave but couldn’t bring herself to walk out the door because there’s some sad things known to man
But ain’t too much sadder than
The tears of a clown, when there’s no one around.
There is no caption better than the title.
It just needs a tagline. Like, “The clowns come out at night.” Or “Don’t look behind you.” Or “Their favorite snack? Is you.”
Clown: I promise you, I don’t taste funny.
Wangsword: Oh please! I couldn’t find my nose hair clippers!
It took one night for Missy to find out why all the world loves a clown.