F
Genre: Erotica/Erotic Romance, Novella, Science Fiction/Fantasy
Theme: Workplace
Archetype: Billionaire
I remember when I was a pre-teen and a friend told me what doggy-style was, and I was scandalized and horrified and thought it was the grossest thing ever.
Fast-forward twenty years to Elyse reading about a dude having doggy-style anal sex with his billionaire dinosaur boss while dripping with dinosaur…er…emissions, and me going “Eh,” and casually eating another french fry. How I’ve grown over the years.
Obviously I read The Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay so you don’t have to. Also I’m at that stage of exhaustion where basically everything is funny and I’m making impulse buying decisions.
So look, here’s how it goes down: John Harriot is really excited because he got a job as an assistant to a dinosaur CEO. John is human. His new dinosaur boss, Oliver Anderson, is not. Can we just pause here to reflect on the fact that the dinosaur is named Oliver Fucking Anderson? It’s so weirdly WASP-y and specific that I had to wonder if the author knows an Oliver Anderson and this is a big fuck you to him. I mean, if I were writing a book about a dude being forcibly sodomized by his dinosaur boss, I’d give that dinosaur boss a fucking dinosaur name like Mr. RazorClaws McSharpTeeth. Everyone knows dinosaurs had appropriately bad ass names, and even if they didn’t, fucking watch The Land Before Time or something.
So John is really excited, but then he calls his dad and his dad rains all over his parade:
“The CEO…isn’t that Oliver Anderson? The dinosaur billionaire?” he asked, I could hear the upset tone in his voice. My father had never liked the dinosaurs ever since they began taking control of the world economy. When I was growing up he tried to condition me to hate them too. I never did though, I thought they had just as many rights as we did. They shouldn’t be punished because they had extremely accurate stock predictions in the eighties, becoming the single leading force of Wall Street presently.
Let’s dissect that precious little nugget, shall we?
Firstly, all the grammar errors in there belong to the author, but I honestly don’t care because when I’m reading a book about billionaire dinosaurs taking advantage of their young human assistants, I don’t hold out a lot of hope for editing.
Secondly, I don’t know what the fuck dinosaurs are supposed to represent here given the dino-prejudice mentioned above. Note, that John doesn’t think the dinosaurs deserve the same rights as humans, he thinks they have the same rights are humans but apparently he isn’t fucking sure on that one.
Also I found the whole dinosaurs-taking-over-the-economy-due-to-stock-predictions to be harder to wrap my head around than dinosaur billionaires fucking their human assistants. I mean, let’s be honest here, if someone is writing a book about a talking, billionaire dinosaur, you know he’s going to write that the dinosaur sticks his dick somewhere. It’s human nature. Dino-human sex must be thought about and written about.
But dinosaurs running the global economy? I have so many questions. If all of this started in the 80’s did Working Girl never happen? What about the repeal of Glass-Steagall? Was the song Walk the Dinosaur really a subversive protest song? Were the members of Was Not Was thrown into jail? I want to read that fucking book.
Also, apparently dinosaurs can talk and wear clothes and posses human-level intelligence. Just expect me to accept that, Mr. Fox? Well, I don’t. How the fuck is a dinosaur going to wear pants what with its tail hanging out? And how would a T-Rex button his waistcoat? No, clearly, logic demands that if dinosaurs were running the global economy and setting consumer trends, we’d all be naked except humans would have to wear “shame sacks” to keep from freezing to death. Obviously.
Dinosaurs would have no such need for these sacks as they would have heat lamps carefully installed in all their dwellings and as the leaders of this modern society would spend very little time out of doors in the winter or would just retire to warmer climates, making Florida the new capital of international commerce.
Anyway, moving along, John goes to work and meets up with Oliver. Strangely the author never tells us what type of dinosaur Oliver is. We know that Oliver’s butler is a triceratops, his helicopter pilot is a pterodactyl (I KNOW), and the building security officers are raptors.
I can only assume by the cover art, and the fact that it’s the fucking obvious choice, that Oliver is a T-Rex. I mean, if you’re going to write a book about a dinosaur fucking a dude, it’s gonna be a T-Rex, right?
So John is strangely attracted to Oliver what with his purple and green skin, yellow eyes, and powerful demeanor. He tries to keep his shit together though because obviously rules of workplace etiquette discourage fawning over your billionaire dinosaur boss openly even if his eyes are yellower than Edward Cullen’s.
But then Oliver orders John to accompany him to his beach house, and when he takes John to the library, and well, things happen.
I actually Googled “How big is a T-Rex’s penis?” while I was reading this story. It’s days like this that I really hope the NSA is looking at my search history. Anyway, there was actually a special on Discovery Channel called Tyrannosaur Sex and I watched some it.
They interviewed a paleontologist who was clearly super fucking happy, after what was no doubt a long and difficult PhD track, to be answering the first question that I’m sure everyone asks him, “Yeah, but how big was its dick?”
And the answer is no one knows. There are examples in the animal kingdom of relatively tiny dick-to-body size ratios, so for all we know Oliver had a tiny little todger.
Of course, Mr. Fox chooses to go the “giant reptile schlong” route which I found to be a very predictable choice. I mean, maybe dinosaurs run the world economy so they can buy luxury vehicles to compensate for their teeny little dino-sausages? Maybe Oliver is conflicted at his inability to to satisfy his human lovers despite his money and power?
Nope. He’s got a big penis. He shoves it places. John never actually consents but he enjoys being humiliated and cover in dino-jizz. I don’t know if Salmonella was a concern, but I’d be worried.
Then Oliver dismisses him, John having served his purpose, and John realizes his father was right all along. He vows to use and humiliate Oliver in revenge. The end.
This book had so many possibilities. I mean, Mr. Fox could have re-written the past thirty-five years of economic history from a reptilian lens. Instead of the Gilded Age it could have been the Scaled Age. Maybe it could be a metaphor that the modern financial system is truly run by the cold-blooded? Instead he went down the predictable and ultimately tedious route of having this story be about a giant dino-penis shoved in some guy’s butt. No stars.
IT GOT BETTER. Alisha Rai and Maisey Yates quick-wrote the het version on Twitter:
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I’m actually speechless. Is TBD ‘so-bad-it’s-good’ in a Sharknado kind of way? If so, I’m tempted to read it just for the experience. 😀
That title sounds like one from those mid-80s “true confessions” magazines. You know, except with a billionaire dinosaur. Do we even get to find out what kind of dinosaur the billionaire is? Or is the author just lumping all dinos into one big, kinda-sorta-definitely-rapey group?
Now that you’ve, uh, taken one for the team, go read Eric Garcia’s Anonymous Rex series – it’ll work as brain bleach for you. The underlying premise is that dinos have secretly evolved alongside humans and are in disguise as your neighbors. The main character is a T Rex private investigator. It’s silly and dark (at times) and awesome.
I can’t help myself. I’m reminded of the Harlequin Presents names. There’s a contest in this somewhere for the most effed up name a “romance” can come up with. The Dinosaur Billionaire and the Reluctant Human Virgin Do Texas. (Mr. RazorClaws McSharpteeth – best badass dino billionaire name EVER.)
But I need to know does John ever get revenge against his boss? Or does he see through Oliver’s thick scales to the loving dinosaur with a dark past? Or is Oliver just a user?
@Allie, I believe there’s a sequel
So many questions…
So, are the dinos ALWAYS a dinos or are we talking shapeshifters?
And is it bad there is a small part of me that wants to know if John gets his revenge?
I hate hate hate those titles, The Billionaire’s Baby, The Cowboy’s Whatever, with a purple passion. I have been agog at how awful and yet how ubiquitous they are for years. And my first reaction to this title was that somebody else hates them so much, they came up with the worst parody title ever and wrote a book to go with it.
The author’s bio says he writes “erotic novels.” Is 15 pages considered novel length for erotica…?
Should never have come here before the coffee finished. Can’t. Breathe. Can’t! Breathe!!!!
“They interviewed a paleontologist who was clearly super fucking happy, after what was no doubt a long and difficult PhD track, to be answering the first question that I’m sure everyone asks him, “Yeah, but how big was its dick?””
I love this, because after 10 years of school, the first two questions I invariably get as a vet are whether I’ve stuck my arm up an animal’s bum, and what type of animal has the biggest balls. (Only because I love the SBTB community, the answers are yes, and sheep.)
I am reading this while waiting for my 4-hour car service at the Honda dealership. The whole waiting room-2 middle aged fathers, one eldery couple and a pair of *really* quiet people to my right that I do not want to look AT too closely–is giving me Looks as I crack up over this review.
“His helicopter pilot is a pterodactyl (I KNOW!)”
*DYING*
That T-rex expert on the Discovery Channel must’ve wet his pants with joy. “I knew some day SOMEBODY would need my research!”
As for dick size…T-rex have teeny tiny hands, so…
Thanks for the great laugh
I can’t believe you read it! Lolol!
I want to know why he bothers with suits, when he doesn’t wear shoes? Why not go full out Dino and just hang in his reptilian skin?
Elyse, I wish you’d rewrite the book as it should be. All those things you wondered about would make an excellent story. Just how big does a helicopter need to be to accommodate a full-size T-Rex and his tree-height dick? How does a tail not get caught in the escalators? What about buttons and shoe laces? The possibilities are endless.
Eric Garcia wrote an outstanding detective series about modern day dinosaurs and answered many of these questions–no, seriously–in a clever and inventive way (ANONYMOUS REX). My favorite part: Basil makes them high, it’s practically a controlled substance.
I read the reviews of this book on Amazon yesterday after I saw Chuck Wendig tweeted it. My favorite comment on that review was “62% in: Wow, dinosaurs are rapey.” With this review, the comment about Was Not Was was my favorite. I had forgot the song Walk the Dinosaur. I’ll have it in my head for the rest of the day.
My question is, I keep hearing that being gay is a choice, but this author is saying that it was forced. So is he forced or was it by choice??
Great review and thank you so much for taking one for the team.
After clicking through a variety of the author’s other works, I cannot help but wonder if he’s just writing down his insane dreams or his darkest fantasies. There’s the one about the Transformers, a unicorn, and Anubis? I mean what is happening in that guy’s life that these make him want to plaster his face next to the work. Can you imagine this guy going into a serious job interview and the person asking him if he wrote these? The secretary is like “I loved the dark unicorn one. Have you considered a Minotaur? Do you want sugar for your coffee? Oh and how about those Dinosaur plotholes?”
15 pages? I’ve written fanfic longer than that. Maybe I should get into the erotic short story biz. Find and replace, turn a wizard into a billionaire then sit back and watch the dough roll in. *cough*
Think I’ll keep scribbling on my original Regency, instead. 😉
Thanks Elyse, for taking one for the team.
While the story itself left me in a comatose state, I adore this review. How far you’ve come indeed — able to read while eating a French fry. And how can dinosaurs have the same rights as a human — wearing a trench coat with its tail hanging out. Sometimes you just gotta shake your head and move on. Unfortunately, I think the author got what he wanted–a dinosaur-sized free press, even though his story laid a dinosaur-sized egg.
It occurs to me you have probably done more world building than the author. Now I kind of want you to write that story.
Also, it makes me happy when you go on an impulse purchase spending spree.
This was hands down one of the best reviews I have ever had the pleasure of reading. Just for the hell of it if it’s free I may read the book because no matter how bad it is, having read your review will keep me laughing. Thanks
For those of you who have asked if the book is making some kind of commentary about gay people using dinosaurs as a metaphor… I don’t think so. Mostly because that would require more thought than I think went into this. I really think it needs to be taken at face value. John secretly likes being sodomized by a T-Rex and then doused in a firehouse of Jurassic spunk. The end.
Anonymous Rex came to mind as well… so is this book to Garcia’s book as 50 Shades of Grey was to Twilight?
I love how the title reads like a National Enquirer headline.
Excuse me but weren’t T-Rexs huge mofos? How does this dinosaur CEO fit in ANYTHING,let alone a human anus? Where does he buy his clothes? At “The Big and Tight Store? Buildings should crumble, or at least shake, when he walks by. His penis would need its own building. Not only is this bad porn, it’s badly researched porn.
You do realize — don’t you? — that by reviewing and thus promoting this 15-page masterpiece, 19,485 GOOD writers are putting craters in drywall with their heads.
Am I really the only one thinking that this book was written as either a dare and/or to see who would be dumb enough to buy it?
I think the best part of this book’s Amazon page is the review titled “Recommended this book to my bible study group.” Thanks for sharing this Jurassic gem with us and reading it so we don’t have to!
Everyone knows dinosaurs had appropriately bad ass names
My T-rex is named Fluffy, and I am not ashamed.
I think the story book she came with claimed her was Tyrone. (This was way before The Land Before Time.)
I remember reading about the lucrative new genre of dino erotica awhile ago, but haven’t actually read any. (http://jezebel.com/women-make-bank-writing-dinosaur-erotica-1440797687)
And now I don’t have to. Thanks for taking one for the team Elyse!
Forgot to say, I loved Alisha Rai’s and Maisey Yates’ version. The Ice Age is in my heart!!
I can only imagine these books are aimed at people who buy them ironically to giggle over how bad they are, sort of like sexy pizza slice Halloween costumes. Based on your review, they sure don’t sound like they’d appeal to actual xenophiles who want to read about bizarre penises and the bizarre things they are attached to. (Maybe those people stick to fanfiction?)
He must be doing something right. Look at his Amazon ratings. LOL
I have, apparently, lived a very sheltered life. I looked at Amazon’s “customers who viewed this item” list and may never again be the same. (I couldn’t bring myself to check out the Christian erotica. And was especially disturbed about the Easy Recipes in Jars book that was included in the mix. What?!?) Some of the reviews of these books are terrifically amusing, tho. And it goes without saying that your review is a masterpiece. Thanks for (ahem) taking one for the team.
I’m now going to read a Betty Neels book to clean my brain cells.
@Susan – I think Easy Recipes in Jars pops up because both it and this were covered on a blog called The Worst Things for Sale (.com). Enough click-through from its fanbase might have led to that connection. It’s an anticlimactic explanation, sadly. 🙂
Loved this review! I’d like to argue that anyone who can write something this outrageously bad DOES deserve a bit of attention, even if it is just for our entertainment. Thanks for the laugh.
@Astrakhan, no, it would not. The analogy suggests that one of those two was a good book, and neither of them were.
Wow… Imma pour myself some fireball and try to figure out what just happened to me. I know an Oliver Anderson from college- how am I supposed to look him in the eyes again without seeing a dino rapist? Way to take one for the team, Elyse
Reminds me of the “Venom Cock” brou-ha-ha about a decade ago. (Did anyone actually bother to read “Touched by Venom” or did we never get past the cover copy?)
But what about the size? How in the hell would a T-Rex fit in a helicopter? Is it one of those big huge things that the army uses? I’m not sure they’d even fit in there. My office building is 3 stories high. He could NOT fit in here, he’d be taller than the whole building? Even if his penis was tiny for a dino, it would probably be the same size as a human, so imagine trying to ram a 6 foot dude up your ass, completely. No. Just no. Or did the dinosaurs shrink? How much fabric would you need for a suit for a T-Rex or a Stegasaurus? So many unanswered questions.
LOL My first grandchild was born this past week. His name, Oliver Anderson!
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