Someone to Cuttle

by Luna Loupe

May 30, 2012 · Luna Loupe

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I have no idea what possessed me to read Someone to Cuttle. I’m very fond of cuttlefish, but in a purely platonic way. And I didn’t expect much from this cover or from a price of $2.99 for “12 pages (estimated).” That cover is possibly the worst cover I’ve ever seen. But I just had to know. I had to go there. And now you don’t have to, thanks to the spoilers I am about to bestow.

The book starts off with some nice solid writing. In fact, the writing was pretty solid throughout – no typos, decent if not stunning descriptions of things, and a relaxed, humorous approach to the material.  It’s not “scintillating prose” but it’s not bad, either.

Our hero, Paul, works for his father’s advertising firm but wishes he’d been a marine biologist. He’s on a diving vacation and sees three cuttlefish – a large one, who he assumes to be the male, and two smaller ones who he assumes are female (HA PAUL YOU ARE WRONG).

The cuttlefish change their colors so as to resemble billboards. The cuttlefish think Paul has a nice butt. Paul, sensibly, concludes that maybe something is wrong with his air supply, causing him to hallucinate, so he surfaces. Paul seems like the kind of guy who might survive a horror movie because he’d do things like charge his phone, keep a flashlight around, and refuse to split up.

Paul goes to the beach that night to relax.

“The air was still warm and as heavily perfumed as bathwater.”

What does that mean? Are we to assume that it’s bathwater with scented essential oils in it? In my experience bathwater is not perfumed in its un-adorned state, but maybe it’s bathwater that’s being used by a regular Lush customer. Anyway, Paul’s beach reverie does not last because three guys show up – they are, of course, the cuttlefish that Paul saw yesterday, but in human form.

Here’s a description of the were-cuttlefish:

There was a pair of lithe and bare-chested men in swim trunks flanking a burly, broad-chested guy in an open Hawaiian shirt and shorts.

I’ll take “lithe and bare-chested” for 1000, Alex.

The burly guy proves they are were-cuttlefish by turning his fingers into tentacles.

I must interrupt this recap to tell you that I feel incredibly fond of this book, somehow.  It seems to know exactly what it is. As evidence of this self-awareness, the burly guy says, “A human with cuttle anything is going to look freaky, man. Cephalopride!”

Anyway, a very confused Paul goes off with the were-cuttles to their camp and gets super drunk (guess he wouldn’t survive a horror film after all). They wax philosophical:

“Hey, what’s it like?” Paul said. “You know, uh…being a cuttlefish?”

“Oh, you know,” Apama said, pausing his song and gesturing with his bottle of beer. “Swim, eat, fuck. Not much different from being human, I think.”

Paul nodded to himself. Yeah, he could see that, he thought to himself. When it came down to it, most living things weren’t that different.

 

Impressively, the evening does not end in sex. Paul goes back to his hotel to sleep off the beer and the next morning the were-cuttles are nowhere to be found.

But A HA! The NEXT morning they all show up at his cabana naked, as one does. Thus commences the sex part of the book, and whether or not you like it will depend entirely on your feelings about four-way male semi-human sex.

The sex doesn’t, you know, advance the character development or anything. It’s guy-on-guy ménage sex. There’s a lot of semen involved and penises everywhere. I have no idea how to rate something like that – if you like sex scenes involving four naked men at the beach, then you’ll like this scene, but otherwise you won’t. I will assign extra points for the use of the word “cuttle-cock” although it seems to describe a perfectly ordinary penis, which is kind of a waste, really.

There were way too many fluids for me in the scene but I did like the fact that there was no trauma or coercion, actual or implied. Paul was comfortable with being bi-sexual before he met the were-cuttles and he finds the sex to be a relaxing and enjoyable part of his vacation. It’s all very consensual and fun and sex-positive. Afterwards they all snuggle on the beach in a large hammock.

And…that’s the end of the book.

Wait, what? How is that possible?

For one thing, INCLUDING TYPING NOTES it only took me thirty minutes to read it. What happens next? Do they keep having group sex until Paul’s vacation is over? Does he quit his job to become a marine biologist? Is this a life-changing event or more of a “what happens at the cabana stays at the cabana” kind of thing? If a were-cuttlefish bites you, do you also become a were-cuttlefish? We’ll never know.

The cruelest blow of all is that this is a were-cuttlefish erotica story with no cuttlefish action. There are some hints of a weird tongue but generally we are talking strictly human on human stuff. The only reason it’s unusual at all is that there are a lot of humans involved at one time. I can certainly imagine living my whole life without ever needing to read about cuttlefish sex, but if I do pick up a book called Someone to Cuttle then there damn well better be some cuddling cuttlefish.

I felt totally cheated by the sudden ending and by the lack of actual cuttlefish action, but in general I felt quite affectionate towards this story. The sex grossed me out (so much semen…not my thing) but I could see how mileage could vary and some readers might really like it. There’s no rapeyness, everyone is just having a good time, and the author seems to be having a good time, too.

In the “Note from the author”, the author dedicated the book to those who “love a good laugh. And quite possibly some hot sex.” Then she shares various cuttlefish facts which are rather interesting and which demonstrate that she did considerably more homework than seems necessary to write cuttlefish erotica.

But honestly, no tentacles at all? I’m both deeply relieved (I wasn’t actually looking forward to the tentacles) and terribly disappointed (what’s the point of were-cuttlefish without were-sex?).

Be sure to read the Amazon reviews.