Michael Bolton's Big, Sexy Valentine's Day Special

Netflix

Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special is a weird, raunchy hour of quirky humor and Bolton’s trademark, pants-dropping crooning. If you’re familiar with the work of The Lonely Island (Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone), then this will be right up your alley. If you like cameo-filled, tongue-in-cheek productions, you’ll probably like this too!

The premise of this special is rooted in Bolton’s love of Christmas. Yes, Christmas. An entirely different holiday. The rationalization is that Bolton loves Valentine’s Day because it marks a 10-month countdown until Christmas, his favorite holiday. However, Santa appears to him with a problem. His elves made too many toys in preparation. We’re talking a surplus of 75,000 toys. So Santa enlists Bolton’s help to set the mood and get 75K babies conceived, so they’ll be born in time for the holidays. Don’t think too terribly hard about this.

What follows in a variety special/telethon set up. There are musical acts, romance “experts”, and even a phone bank with celebs like Brooke Shields, Janeane Garofalo, and Bob Saget manning the lines.

The first act is a singing duo (a la Sonny & Cher) that features Sarah Silverman and Randall Park as a very freaky couple singing about how their love of butt plugs really complements their sex life. I think this really sets the tone for most of the special. Since it’s a Valentine’s Day-themed variety show, everything focuses on romance and sex. I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but given how cute Silverman and Park’s song starts and how sexually explicit it becomes, you’ll know right off the bat whether this show is for you. Considering I was nearly in tears with laughter, this was definitely on the right end (hur hur) of my humor spectrum.

I think my favorite cameo is Michael Sheen’s chain smoking, angry choreographer, who is very serious about his props.

Now, I’m twenty-seven. I wasn’t really cognizant when Bolton was popular and my earliest memories of him were late night informercials for easy-listening CD collections. I remember the long hair and hearing “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You” playing softly as I stayed up past my bedtime, my room softly lit by the TV at 1am. The later, he did “Go the Distance” for the Hercules soundtrack. So would I consider myself a fan? Probably not.

He probably only became relevant to me after The Lonely Island debuted their “Jack Sparrow” video in Saturday Night Live, in which a collaboration with Bolton turns into Bolton singing about recent movies he’s watched. Admittedly, Bolton has an amazing voice and I’d definitely consider him a Silver Fox. Meanwhile, Sarah is uncomfortable with his hair, both long and short styles. (Sarah: I think it may be his eyes more than his hair, but yeah. Gives me the jibblies.) 

The special, though, is kind of a long advertisement for his latest album of cover songs from film, titled Songs of Cinema. The track list features a duet with Dolly Parton and a ballad version of “Jack Sparrow.” Some of the songs on the CD are in the special as well, and to me, the special definitely works in getting people interested. I’d buy the CD on iTunes, hands down. But then again, I really love cover songs.

But really, what I liked most about this special is how much fun everyone seemed to have. It’s silly, yes, but I was left with a smile on my face. I can also appreciate when people can poke fun at themselves, and Bolton does just that, as he goes back to his Canadian tuxedo wearing, blond-mulleted roots.

My boyfriend and I watched this on a whim after eating a huge meal. We curled up in bed and watched it, with a laptop on our laps. And honestly, that’s probably the perfect way to watch it – cozy and with someone special, whether it’s a loved one, a friend, or even a family pet. To celebrate something like Valentine’s Day, nothing says romance more to me than laughing alongside someone I deeply care about.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9kDgMNNNQg

Michael Bolton’s Big Sexy Valentine’s Day Special is available for streaming on Netflix.