The League of Regrettable Superheroes

by Jon Morris

June 2, 2015 · Half-Baked Heroes from Comic Book History

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I like the holidays, but no matter how excited about them I get, December is still a tricky month. There’s a slew of holidays of both religious and secular varieties, there’s family drama, there’s gift drama, there’s pie drama (The Bitches have forbidden me from baking pie after last year, when I baked one at 4:30AM). It’s a tad stressful.

So I dunno about you but reading very short, very silly vignettes during December is about all I can handle, and The League of Regrettable Superheroes is PERFECT for this purpose.

The League of Regrettable Superheroes is a collection of some of the weirder superheroes in comics’ history. My biggest quibble with the book is the title – as the introduction points out, heroes who were short-lived weren’t necessarily what I’d call “regrettable.” Look at Squirrel Girl. She turned out to be awesome.

That being said, it’s hard to picture how most of these heroes could have had timeless appeal.

Take, for instance, the Eye, which is an actual, literal floating eyeball that fights crime:

Appearing amid curtains of flame or billows of smoke, the Eye was in class by himself (or, uh, itself?). A tireless witness and avenger of injustice, the seemingly supernatural entity possessed an array of powers bordering on the omnipotent. He also seemed to have a few limitations. Despite being able to fly, melt steel, appear and vanish suddenly, manipulate invisible forces, and, oh, be a giant flaming eye all the time, the Eye relied on human assistants to act as his agents against crime.

Maybe the Eye would rather be the Opposable Thumb, harrrrrr.

Let’s not forget Doctor Hormone:

An aged scientist who had spent the whole of his life studying the beneficial powers of hormones, Doctor Hormone – evidentially his real name, by the way – is rejuvenated upon his deathbed by a “youth hormone” of his own invention, plus a spin under his “angstrom ray machine.” Now a fit and energetic young man of twenty-five, the doctor and his granddaughter Janey bring the mighty power of hormones to benefit the world.

One of Doctor Hormone’s efforts is to “keep Texas free of Nazians” and no, that’s not a typo. Nazians hail from the country “Nazia.”

These superheroes’ stories are not known for their subtlety.

While Doctor Hormone was a strange concept who did some awfully creepy things (he created a human-animal hybrid army, for example) I can’t help but wonder what he would have done to the Trump campaign. If nothing else, you’d think he could make Trump less orange.

While I simply can’t pick a favorite regrettable superhero, I am awfully fond of Dracula, who wears a purple catsuit as he struggles to clear the name of his ancestor, the more famous Dracula.

I’m also fond of Skateman, the most 1980’s hero ever to appear on page:

It’s a familiar story: martial artist Billy Moon returns from Vietnam to find that only roller derby can quell the turmoil in his soul.

Unfortunately, Billy inadvertently crosses a branch of the mafia that apparently maintains an interest in the fortunes of the derby world (the dreaded Skate Mob, perhaps?).

Like many superheroes, Skateman was created to sell merchandise.

Alas, this was not to be:

Foul-mouthed, perpetually angry, and wildly irresponsible (at the climax of the book, Billy Moon gleefully sends his prepubescent assistant Paco into the bad guy’ headquarters sporting a fanny pack full of live grenades), Skateman seems an unlikely choice to grace any product’s packaging or advertising except, possibly, Prozac.

And how can I omit my beloved Thunderbunny:

Such a transformation happens to Bobby Caswell, adolescent comic book fan, when he stumbles across a crashed spaceship. The ship’s sole denizen – the last survivor of a doomed civilization – passes on to Bobby the power of his planet’s greatest hero. All Bobby must do is concentrate, clap his hands, and he is transformed-into a giant pink rabbit clad in spandex!

Thunderbunny was intended to be funny, but most of these comics were presented as earnest stories, which makes them even funnier.

The League of Regrettable Superheroes author Jon Morris approaches his subject with humor and a raised eyebrow, but also with affection, and a belief that, hard as it may be to imagine, “There’s not a single character in this book who doesn’t have at least the potential to be great. All it takes is the perfect combination of creative team and right audience to make even the wildest idea a wild success.”

The book is organized by “The Golden Age” (The Eye, Doctor Hormone), “The Silver Age,” (Dracula), and “The Modern Age” (Skateman). Every superhero entry is illustrated (the sight of Ultraman’s costume is one you won’t soon forget).

This is a love-it-or-hate-it book, not because of its quality, which I argue is unquestionably “A” level in terms of research, organization, writing technique, and historical value, but because of its subject matter. There are some people who have no interest whatsoever about the adventures of Pow-Girl or Rainbow Boy or Madam Fatal or even Son of Satan.

C’est la vie. The rest of us will gobble this up like a giant bag of M&M’s.