DNF
Genre: Erotica/Erotic Romance, Novella, Romance
Sometimes you pick up a book and it’s not even a little bit what you expected. Sometimes that’s a good thing. Sometimes you get Larry and his sweaty balls. If I had to sum up my reaction to this book in one sentence it would be “WTF did I even just read?”
I picked up His Hidden Agenda by Fiona Murphy because it was marketed as an erotic office romance with an alpha male hero, and I loved the cover. It promised all kinds of Elyse catnip. It delivered poor editing, flat characters, and scenes that made me goggle. Not Google–I don’t mind a little romance driven research–but goggle. As in, I was agog.
I feel compelled to warn you that the book is told in first person POV, present tense. For some people that’s nails on a chalkboard, but it doesn’t always bother me.
This book is about Alex, said alpha male, and Grace, our heroine and Alex’s competition for a promotion. At least, I think she’s Grace. Sometimes Alex inexplicably calls her Kate, the name of another Murphy heroine. So Grace/Kate and Alex are in the running for the same promotion in a marketing firm, and Grace/Kate hates sexy Alex because she feels like he’s given unfair advantage and takes credit for her ideas. In fact, she’s in her office seething after a meeting when Alex walks in and goes down on her.
Yes, I just typed that. I read that scene and thought “Holy shit, that escalated quickly.”
Alex and Grace/Kate do not have a previous sexual relationship. Based on the preceding chapter, Grace/Kate thinks he’s a giant pile of dog shit. Then he’s in her office all “I can smell your arousal” and giving her oral orgasms.
So we’re not spending a lot of time of development here. Well, okay. I’m alright with diving into the deep end of the pool. I’ve got my waterwings on.
From there the book progresses to Alex pursuing Grace/Kate and Grace/Kate being really insecure about it. As the blurb for the book states, Grace/Kate is a BBW. She spends a lot of time reflecting on her weight, on what size she is now, and what she size she used to be. I don’t mind a book with a heroine struggling with her self-image, and I don’t mind a book where the heroine is baffled that the ultra-sexy hero might want her either. I do mind what came next.
Grace/Kate is reflecting on the fact that she normally doesn’t enjoy sex:
Larry [her ex husband] had been much bigger than me and I hadn’t minded but he’d never tried to make me comfortable underneath him. He was also small at only about five inches and with his weight there were times he struggled to push in even more than a few inches. The first time had been painful and more work than I thought it was worth. I had tried after that but it just got worse. He’d demanded blow jobs but he didn’t wash well and after I actually was sick everywhere the first time he left me alone.
Holy shit. The heroine’s hang ups about sex are the result of dick cheese. Actual dick cheese, people. If someone had told me that one day, I’d read a book where dick cheese was a real conflict trigger, I’d have laughed in their face.
I lack the words to truly express how troubling that excerpt is to me. I mean, once my ears stopped ringing , my vision cleared, and the thought of Larry and his unwashed testicles receded enough that I was coherent again, I realized there are no fucking commas anywhere in that paragraph.
NO COMMAS PEOPLE. The entire book is infected with run-on sentences. Look, I get typos. I make them all the time. I find typos in my reviews. There’s probably a typo in this review. In one spectacular moment, I sent a company-wide email with the sign-off Retards, Elyse. It happens. The lack of commas, semi-colons–hell, periods–was endemic of a much larger problem.
I believe grammar rules are meant to be broken. I’m not a grammar nazi (which apparently is “comma fucker” in Finnish). I like my reviews to have a conversational tone, so I frequently employ sentence fragments to keep that tone going. The issue with His Hidden Agenda was that half the time I had no idea what the author was trying to say.
Take this sentence:
He’d demanded blow jobs but he didn’t wash well and after I actually was sick everywhere the first time he left me alone.
I get the nasty unwashed nuts parts just fine, but the second half of the sentence is confusing. I think she means the first time Larry left her alone she was literally, physically sick, but the phrasing is confusing and disjointed.
I tugged my waterwings on a little tighter and kept going. Basically from the dick cheese point, it didn’t get a lot better. Alex doggedly pursues Grace/Kate, and she marvels at him, and they go on a couple of dates.
Grace/Kate’s got a little depth because we know her ex was awful and she tells us her mother was hypercritical of her. Her insecurity makes sense. Alex, however, is just a cardboard standout of Prince Charming. He worships at Grace/Kate’s feet, stares at her adoringly, and has no role other than to boost her ego.
After their first date he takes her bed just to sleep because she’s too tired to withstand his smexing or some bullshit like that. After the second date they get it on and I can confirm that Alex’s wang was freshly scrubbed and probably smelled like a pine forest or something. In the throes of Grace/Kate worship Alex forgets to put on a condom during the encore round, and Grace/Kate is understandably freaked.
Then Alex says this:
I won’t be concerned about me. My concern will be about you. I know you feel like we’re moving fast but if you are pregnant, confirming it will be one of the happiest days of my life.
One of my waterwings just deflated and made that sad wheezing sound.
All we know about Alex is that Grace/Kate hated him because his business practices are slimey. Then he came into her office and found the little man in the boat, as it were. Then they go on two dates where he basically spends the whole time telling her how great she is, and now he wants her to carry his baby.
Maybe it’s just me, but I’d be chewing my arm off to get out of the situation ASAP. I mean, I almost expected him to throw out a line like “You’re face is so perfect I want to peel it off you and wear it like a mask SO WE CAN BE TOGETHER FOREVER.” Grace/Kate goes from a husband who can’t be bothered to scrub his junk to a lover who probably wants to weave a basket out of her hair.
Then Grace/Kate finds out that Alex was always going to get the promotion and their boss basically led her on to test her initiative or some shit like that. That’s so disgusting, patronizing, arguably sexist and WRONG that my hair started to catch fire, but Grace/Kate’s got a clean penis in her life now, so she doesn’t care. Once that incredibly troubling passage was glossed over, the next chapter opens with Four Months Later… and Grace/Kate applauding while Alex accepts his promotion and I was like, “Fuck it.”
The 40% of the book that I read felt like a cobbled together, poorly edited fantasy scenario. I don’t mean that romance novels aren’t a fantasy – they can be – but they usually feature fully developed people falling in love. Alex was such a shallow, poorly drawn out hero that he existed solely to cure Grace/Kate of her self-esteem issues and give her orgasms. He wasn’t a person.
Also give me some commas for Chrissakes. And some Dial soap for Larry.
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First off, I have never in my life felt any pull to wear waterwings, but I want those.
Secondly: dickcheese. So gross. I felt like there’s a tipping point where gritty realism becomes untenable ickiness. Like the kind where it messes up the tone of the whole book even though it was intended to be something bad, because now the sexy bits are haunted by the wafting ghost of dickcheese.
And thirdly: comma based erotica. The new kink for the literary!
This review was hysterical. The ‘unwashed’ thing is going to stick in my mind, unfortunately. I can’t unsee it and it may make me gag/laugh the next time I’m in the middle of reading a sex scene.
I don’t get it – if what you describe are the 40% of the book you got through, WTF could the rest possibly be about?!?
Anyway, my hat is off to you for slugging through so much sh*t!
Everything everyone else said (Major ICK), but also, why do so many low grade books have pretty, tempting covers? Just thinking about Asher’s Invention makes me sad for the wasted cover, this shall as well.
“I think she means the first time Larry left her alone she was literally, physically sick…”
I struggled through it, and I THINK it’s that Larry left her alone after the first time, which ended with her being physically ill.
“One of my waterwings just deflated and made that sad wheezing sound.”
(Still laughing like a loon)
Thank you. You just made my Monday tolerable.
I am not ashamed to admit I snotted all over my keyboard when I got to “Retards, Elyse.”
Ok, I’m a little ashamed.
We can only hope that after you stopped, the book took a sharp right turn into brilliant psychological thriller in which Grace/Kate has to get out of the relationship. It comes out that Kate was his former lover who is locked in a basement somewhere.
Or not.
I’m sorry you had to suffer through this book, but I’m really thankful you did. Your review had me cackling outloud and reading passages to my coworker. Thanks.
I always thought that phrase “laughing so hard you have tears in your eyes” was hyperbole. But no, about halfway through your brilliant account the tears were actually streaming down my face. The book may be problematic but your review, now that was a thing of beauty.
Here, have a box of commas along with a fifth of tequila for making it to the 40% mark. I have a feeling that I might have trashed my ereader along about the time I reached Kate/Grace’s account of Larry’s sweaty balls and I have too much crap to do today to spend the afternoon at the Apple Store replacing it. I am also almost positive that my warranty doesn’t cover allergic reactions to dick cheese. I am such a sucker for a great cover that I might have been tempted to give this one a try. Thank you for saving me from all the trauma.
Still chuckling from your review. “Retards, Elyse” should go down in history.
Is it wrong that I want to know how this crudpile ends? What happened in the last 60%? Has anyone here managed to finish this? Can they tell us what happened? I think it’s safe to say I will not endeavor to read this myself, but my curiosity is piqued.
OH MY GOD…I just stumbled onto this website and I am so glad I did. That was the funniest review I have ever read. I’m hooked.
I think Retards Elyse may be the best professional email mishap I’ve ever heard. I can’t even type it without giggling. Also, dick cheese. Ick. The funniest part of the whole thing may be that you’ve still posted the buy links in case someone still feels like buying this. Priceless.
Wow. Just Wow. You really took a bullet for the team.
Best retards & thank you!
To me, the biggest problem in the excerpt is that there is so much fat shaming. Just because it is said that “I didn’t mind” doesn’t change the fact that the heroine clearly did mind as she proceeded to narrate how his weight made sex so horrible she could vomit. Like, do we really have to imply that being fat means that you have bad sex and don’t wash. That hit me so much worse than the horrific grammar.
Also, terms like “grammar nazi” are uncomfortable in how they use nazi imagery as though as it equates to daily practices, and that it is insensitive in making that unnecessary correlation.
The deflated waterwing sentence was hilarious. Thankfully, I had the Mute button on my phone set, or I would’ve laughed out loud during a meeting.
This link explains a lot about the Great Comma Shortage:
https://www.scottbradford.us/2003/10/09/millions-of-commas-found-in-ap-basement/
Im crying from laughing so hard. Best. Review. Ever.
Retards,
Bee
He’d demanded blow jobs but he didn’t wash well and after I actually was sick everywhere the first time he left me alone.
I read this as “He’d demanded blow jobs but he didn’t wash well; after I actually was sick everywhere the first time, he left me alone.”
As in — she put up a good effort a few times, but after she puked on his dick he stopped asking for blow jobs.
Awesome review. Laughed at the Retards comment. Hahahahahaha.
I am not a native speaker, but I think she meant: After the first blowjob (with dick cheese) she was literally sick. After that, he left her alone. Meaning, he didn’t want any more blowjobs.
Or didn’t I get your joke?
Note to self: Reading other comments first, comment second. 😉
The remaining question is: What is his hidden agenda?
LMAO @ “Retards, Elyse”
@ Frauke – you have asked the $2.99 question! Maybe his agenda wasn’t all that hidden.
One of the best business typos I have ever seen was when the public relations specialist at a high-rated television station sent out a general news release saying “our pubic relations team is here to serve you.” Let’s hope Larry the unclean doesn’t hear about them.
Poor Elyse, taking another one for the team. I also send along a fifth of tequila delivered via reformed rake or hot billionaire, your choice.
OMG…after I stopped gagging, I couldn’t stop laughing! This was an epic review!
I am SO SICK of books where bigger/plus size/fat (my preferred word) women spend time struggling with their self images. Fat, confident heroines please! And +1 to the commenter who mentioned the fat shaming of her nasty ex too.
So for a variety of recent reasons I sort of made a vow to speak up on the internet (and in person). Tired of being a bystander and that whole bystander effect where you know something’s wrong but b/c no one else says anything, you don’t either. Maybe it was the Jian Ghomeshi stuff, the blogger stalking craziness, or now this awful Nicki Minaj Nazi-inspired music video imagery, or whatever … but here it goes.
Re the “Retards, Elyse”… a typo, not a joke. I’m surprised by how many people found it funny enough to comment on it.
I’m not sure what was funny about it? “Farts, Elyse” would be funny in a juvenile way, but “Retards” as a mistake for “regards” – I get it. But it’s not funny – it’s just a typo. Any humor the reader invests in it must be resting on the word “retard” = retarded? We know Elyse is not intellectually challenged/developmentally disabled. So why would a typo be funny?
In fact, we’ve been over and over that ground here on this blog – in the review of the book where the heroine refers to herself as a retard. Remember that? It wasn’t funny then. It got called out. Because “I’m so retarded” is NOT shorthand for “I made a mistake”. It’s just not a joke.
Sorry if that means that a handful of readers/commenters think I’m an uptight bitch. I’ve grown from being a kid who sometimes used derogatory terms to someone who understands as an adult how much they can hurt people, how unnecessary they are to discourse, and how they really shut people up who deserve a voice. Face to face, I think few of us would make “retard” jokes because we know they’re not funny – we’re adults who probably all know a family with a developmentally challenged child in some way.
Just being on the internet doesn’t make it okay to use words we would never say in front of the person down the street whose kid isn’t like ours. If the word is removed from the in-person humor list, it should also be removed from the internet humor list. Because … it’s not funny. It coarsens and degrades a discussion (even a discussion of dick cheese can in fact be degraded by gratuitous derogatory references).
So – I just jumped over my first bystander effect hurdle (because I read the thread and said “nobody else is saying anything so maybe it’s okay and I’m the only person bothered? maybe that use is okay? But I don’t think so…”)
Hope I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings. My goal was to just inspire a few people to think a little. I love this site and I love Elyse’s reviews and all the commenters here – and that doesn’t change.
Let’s keep the humor firmly focused on dick cheese. Not on typos. Please.
Anna, I think you missed the point entirely. The reason my story is funny and embarrassing is because I sent a corporate wide email using a word that is pejorative and that I would never otherwise use. That’s why it was so mortifying.
I have also sent emails that said I “updated second and third shit,” but since I don’t find the word shit particularly offensive and employ it regularly, it’s more of a “ha ha” moment and less of a “OMG no” moment. My point being that phenomenally shameful typos happen to everyone.
I can tell you that I am acutely sensitive to the word “retarded” having spent a number off years working directly with developmentally disabled adults in residential and vocational services. I know what it feels like to have a miserable, small minded person walk up to me and my two consumers in a pizza parlor and say “Retarded people like they shouldn’t be allowed in public.” I know what it feels like to watch an adult cry because kids shout “retard” at him in the street. And I know how badly I wanted to hit those assholes. I can tell you that I found my time with those developmentally disabled adults to be far more rewarding than my time spent with most of the general public.
So please do not assume that I, or any of the commenters, are poking fun at the developmentally disabled. We’re poking fun at me, and the fact that it wanted to crawl under my desk and die after I sent an offensive word to my entire company with my name attached
I just wanted to jump in and say that even though the anecdote in the post didn’t bother me when I read it, the comments that found the incident funny DID bother me. Anna isn’t alone in that. Even though I realised that in this blog the commenters were definitely not poking fun at anyone other than Elyse for her typo and even then it was a poke between friends. But still, the laughing comments did not sit well with me, they made me uncomfortable.
Am I being too sensitive? I honestly don’t know. I don’t think so, but many probably do. In retrospect, having thought about it, I don’t even find the story that funny. Embarrassing and mortifying? Yes. Illustrative of the bad things that can happen with typos? Yes. But not amusing.
I won’t poke fun at you, Elyse, but I certainly can sympathise with your embarrassment.
“Grace/Kate goes from a husband who can’t be bothered to scrub his junk to a lover who probably wants to weave a basket out of her hair.” — HELP! I cannot stop laughing… Elyse, you are my reviewing spirit animal. I kind of want to buy this, because I have a feeling it would be a F+ for me.
Oh, this was an awesome review. Laughing out loud here and I just can’t wait to read this one! NOT!
I too felt uncomfortable because the world is not ideal and while the world has made great strides in some areas disabilities and how we discuss and interact with the subject lag behind.
Based on that why should I assume this website and it’s commenters are free of problematic discourse in this space? Previous comments on here about *my* disability certainly haven’t proven ignorance and thus inadvertent & thoughtless offense is non existent.
So thank you to Anna for being brave enough to bring it up. I was uncomfortable and I’m glad Elyse clarified what she meant when she used that example.
Shem, I’m curious as what your disability is. If we haven’t been sensitive to it, we certainly want to be better
I find the posts entertaining!
That oops-I-‘forgot’-birth control/I’d-love-it-if-you-were-pregnant thing in repulsive, repellant and book-hurling villianesque behaviour. Selfish so-called hero, in real life that sort of behaviour falls under the abuse spectrum for a reason.
That was the most entertaining review ever. And I definitely needed it because I too would have been seduced by that cover. Yum. Although now horribly tainted with cheese. 🙁
I died at your example of your work typo. I would have wanted to hide under my desk for days. The use of a pejorative word is not funny. But your example, which is to say–even the best of us fall on our grammar swords from time to time–was hilarious! For those of us with a sense of humor, we can appreciate the mortification of the moment and the humor that you have to use to get past it. And I understand why many commenters were just as entertained with the example. What I don’t understand is why haters gotta hate? There is nothing that I’ve gleaned in the few months I’ve been reading this site to suggest to me that you are an insensitive bitch–so a little benefit of the doubt was in order for anyone who thought you might be trying to be offensive.
I found the typo hilarious and because of the mortification.
I never refer to people as “retarded” because well “learning disability” isn’t all that freaking hard to say. I do hate that people are trying to shove word “retard” into the closet and shame anyone who uses it because it has an actual meaning that has nothing to do with an insult. We have people in academia jumping all over themselves to not use the word retard even when it’s an actual valid word and applies in many situations. It just means “slows the growth” or “interferes with accomplishment/learning”. It gets used to discuss fires, plants, diseases, bacterial outbreaks, mold, and yes, people (especially in regards to exposure to some of the previous items). It’s just some rude people who have turned it into an insult (which doesn’t even make sense, since it’s a VERB).
We don’t tell people “OMG don’t use handicap, it’s a bad word” when they are talking about horse races. Let’s not shove a word into the closet so that people gasp when it’s used without malice.
I laughed so hard at this review. Trying to explain to my family why I burst out laughing? Awkward.
I really need to stop reading these reviews at work. It’s torturous as I guffaw silently into my hands.
I don’t know how I missed this when it first was published, but anyone else think of this?