Back in October of 2014, LJ sent us a picture of the cover of Forbidden Passion by Sarah Holland, and shared some of the content with us, too. Blazing eyes! A unicorn on set! She was reading it at the time, and now has written up a most epic rant about this book, which sounds simply marvelous.

Because this rant is long, like HELLA long, I’m adding some gifs and images to help break up the wall of words. Also, Molly Ringwald wanted to help. Ready? Grab your coffee and settle in. It’s Book Rant time! 

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LJ: I don’t actually know where to start with this because the book is so full of WTF that my copy has a sticky note on almost every page. I’ve decided on the chronological approach, and I apologise if this means that this is rather long.

We meet our heroine in the opening scene. Diana Sullivan is a slim, blonde actress/starlet with an obvious penchant for pink silk (she’s wearing a pink silk suit over pink silk lingerie and there’s a pink silk coverlet on her bed), who is celebrating her 24th birthday in London.

The phone rings and, apparently, on the other end of the line is our “hero” Conor Slade; at least, the book’s blurb informs me that this is the hero, otherwise I may be inclined to believe that he is a super creepy psycho stalker. Exhibit A:

“How did you know I was here?” she whispered fiercely, heart thudding. “Are you in the country? Are you in London?”
“I’m very close,” he said softly, “I can even see you. Standing at the window…wearing pink…you were always so pretty in pink.” (p 6)

 

Diana and her “guardian”, Eleanor, a stereotypical evil stepmother (tall, cold, elegant, with pearls and red lipstick and wears her hair in a chignon) are running late for a very important and mysterious meeting to meet the director for Diana’s new film.

As they walk, Diana thinks in a very infodumpy way about Conor, a ruggedly handsome, scarred, Irish ex-SAS man with impeccable taste in decorating who is now directing films in Hollywood (as you do). She continues:

• Filming for her (Diana’s) new film begins in 3 days’ time AND
• The owner of the film company has decided to replace the director of the movie last minute BUT
• Diana couldn’t possibly pull out of the movie, even if the new director is a dud due to some sort of contract issue.
• Today is also Diana and Conor’s anniversary, but they haven’t seen each other for 6 years because of an injunction that Diana had which prevented him from contacting her for… 6 years.
• Conor’s eyes are blue and blazing (remember this point, it comes up a lot).

They arrive at the meeting and the film company owner announces that the new director is Conor Slade. (*gasp* NO!) Diana thinks about how she and Conor met.

Conor Slade had lain on top of her and shielded her face with his strong dark-haired hands. (pg 11)

“Dark-haired hands?” Ok, now he’s a creepy-stalker yeti in my mind. Then who should arrive? You guessed it, here he comes, eyes ablaze:

He was more sexy, more masculine, more dangerous than ever. The fierce blue eyes blazed above a strong nose and a tough, uncompromising mouth…He was six feet four of raw power, his broad shoulders encased in a magnificent black business suit, a gold watch-chain glittering across his powerful chest…(pg 12)

Conor goes straight for the alpha-hole menacing act, looking her up and down and causing Diana’s eyes to blaze back, (I swear, if I had a drink for every time someone’s eyes blaze in this book, I’d be drunk by chapter 3) while she tells herself off for feeling super hornipants in the presence of her “nemesis”.

Later, Conor stops by Diana’s hotel room.

Diana went to answer it, expecting room service with her tea as she opened the door, and her mouth was curved in a charming smile as she looked up into blue, blazing eyes.
”My love!” Conor bit out, blue eyes blazing. (pg 16)

Apparently Conor and Diana ran away together and got married in Ireland 6 years ago but got divorced 3 years ago. They tell each other how much they missed each other, then how much they hate each other, then they hate-kiss. He tears her clothes to pieces before she comes to her senses, pushes him away, runs for the laundry room and hides. And…that’s the end of chapter 1.

Chapter 2 starts with Diana ditching her pink silk suit for a pink silk evening gown (gotta love a bit of variety) and heading to her birthday party. Conor, of course, shows up, having been invited by the film’s producer and we’re straight back into Conor being SuperDick2000.

“If you want fresh air, you shall have it; but you shall have it with me.”
“No!” she tried to pull away from him. “I told you – I want to be alone!”
“Not while there’s life left in me, Diana!” he said tightly, eyes hating her. (p30)

More blazing eyes and angry talking. Conor then kidnaps her, driving her to his apartment. (Can I just interject that my alarm bells for abusive relationships were obviously ringing from page 1 but obviously Conor is not improving at all, and I’m currently hoping that the real hero intervenes, and stabs him in the neck.) Neither Conor nor Diana seem to know whether they’re supposed to want each other or hate each other and then this line happens:

“I divorced you!” she said fiercely. “Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”
“You divorced yourself!” he bit out, blue eyes blazing suddenly. (p40)

And there’s a bit more hate kissing:

“Lie back!” Conor bit out….”Lie back and think of Ireland!” (p42)

He calls her a bitch a couple of times, and takes her home.

Chapter 3 and we’re in the Loire Valley, in a chateau with turrets. Where, of course, the cast and crew will be sleeping in the “beautifully appointed rooms” in four-poster beds. Conor, because of his director-privilege, has “organised the sleeping arrangements,” conveniently making sure that that he and Diana have adjoining rooms.

For some reason, Diana has agreed to go to dinner with the psycho, so she gets into another pink silk outfit (this one a strapless dress with long pink silk evening gloves).

She and Conor drive into town for their date where they discuss their relationship a bit more:

“You’re my life, my love, my hatred…my nemesis!” The blue eyes moved obsessively over her, seeing the shiver of fear and excitement that went through her body. “I’d like to destroy you sometimes Diana. Sometimes I feel capable of it.” (p58)

There’s some throwaway line that Conor left the SAS to marry her, and how hurt he was when his family disowned him as a result, but then no further mention of it at all. It had clearly really affected him.

Flashback time!! Diana is 17 and has black hair, she comes home from boarding school to find Guardian Eleanor heading off to New York to look after Diana’s Uncle Claudius who has just had a heart attack. She tells Diana that she must stay behind because she looks too much like her mother, Allannah.

“How could we help but despise her? Such wanton behaviour. Such a destructive woman. Nothing good ever came of her, you know…You’ll remind him too much of her – just as you remind me. Every day you grow more like her. Well, I won’t have you walking in, the image of Allannah, and ruining my brother’s last moments.” (p63)

Solid logic there.

Diana is sent to London to stay with her “friend” who “has a boyfriend” and so doesn’t spend any time with Diana, and whose parents are socialites so they’re never at home. Conveniently this leaves Diana unsupervised and walking past an army barracks one day when a bomb goes off. Conor is the man who protects her from the blast. He makes sure she’s OK and then:

Diana watched him run to the still-closed gates and climb them with the effortless skill of a professional, dropping down the other side in a perfectly executed roll before leaping straight up again to run to the wounded and the dying. (p65)

The next paragraph assures us, however, that actually nobody had died and most of the injuries had only been minor. And somehow Diana finds herself handing around tea and blankets to the victims of the blast.

Issues I have with this whole scene:

1. If Conor is Irish, how come he’s in the British Army?
2. Any army barracks I’ve been to generally has razor wire on top of any gates or fences, so how did he get past that?
3. Surely there should have been medics to hand out tea/blankets or ambulances should have been called to cart everyone off to hospital —  this is the middle of London, not some sort of makeshift army camp.
4. If the injuries had only been minor, Conor didn’t really need to go running off dramatically, did he?

Conor finds her after he’s finished being a hero and they go out for dinner together and Diana falls in love.

End flashback! Conor drives Diana back to the chateau from town. Diana says she doesn’t want to have sex with him. His response:

“I’d rather cut off my hands and bleed to death than ever make love to you again, you bitch!” (p69)

Ok then.

Chapter Four starts with Conor unlocking the door between their rooms and waltzing in, his excuse? “We were once married, so I can totes walk straight into your bedroom whenever I like.” (I’m paraphrasing here).

Filming begins! Diana is playing a princess who must use white magic to save her family from a curse by a witch. And there’s a unicorn. For reals.

The unicorn stood by the edge of the forest. The white horn rose, as in legend, from his forehead, his noble head lifted as the gold light of the dying sun flashed on his white flanks. (p76)

The unicorn was released, and Diana looked up to see it stepping out of the trees, its horn piercing the gold sky. Slowly she moved towards it, embraced its strong white neck. (p78)

Conor’s a bit of a dick while doing his directing thing; Diana cracks it and storms off set. Conor follows her, there follows a fair bit of blazing eyes (we’re up to around 17 by my count), and then some good old forced seduction. Conor pushes her onto the couch in her dressing room and pulls her clothes off, but it’s OK because he knows she secretly wants it, even though she’s saying no.

“Unbutton my shirt!” Conor commanded, his voice shaking as he raised his head and she saw sweat on his eyelids. “Unbutton it!” (p85)

This guy only speaks in exclamation points! Also – hairy hands, blazing eyes and sweaty eyelids – what a catch!

Chapter Five and I’ve finally, sort of, worked out what the conflict is supposed to be. Diana is worried that Conor is only physically attracted to her whereas she has all the feelings. Diana and her acting coach Geoff are hanging out when Geoff decides to go in for a kiss. Diana escapes back to her room where Eleanor reveals she saw the whole thing and calls her a tramp. Later, while filming a scene, Conor says that he saw everything too.

“You’d better have a good explanation for kissing another man, Diana, or I’ll teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.” (p91)

How about because you’re not actually married anymore, and also it’s none of your business? Also Conor is wearing a black evening suit to direct which seems fairly odd to me but at this point, meh.

They fight a bit more. Then they kiss and Eleanor enters the scene to call Diana a whore, trollop, tramp and then wanton trollop (in that order). Production company owner Georgina also appears (wearing a magnificent scarlet dress – why is the crew all dressed up for the filming of the scene as well as the cast?) and basically tells everyone to chill the fuck out. Eleanor slaps Diana, Diana faints and fade to black. The dramaz!!

Diana wakes up and feels the need monologue her backstory to Conor who, for the first time ever, decides not to argue and just to shut up and listen. Eleanor is Diana’s mother’s sister, who adopted her when she a baby after her parents died in a plane crash. Eleanor thinks Diana’s mother was a whore and lives in fear that Diana has become one too; the day after Diana and Conor got married in Ireland, Eleanor arrived at their house and convinced Diana that she was indeed a whore and needed to go back to the “Sullivan Manor” immediately. Once there, Eleanor booked them tickets on the QE2 and they cruised the world for a while. As for the hair colour:

“What did she do? Hold your head over a sink and pour a bottle of household bleach over it?”
“Yes…” Diana said huskily. (p101)

Yeah, that would totally result in “golden silk” hair.

Anyway, Conor picks this moment to be slightly more human and tells Diana that Eleanor has been a super massive bitch and that Diana should be able to do what she wants. He then tells her he’s going to make love to her, and she says no, and he says “that’s what you think” and phew, we’re all back in character. (For those keeping count, we’re up to the 25th time that eyes blaze).

They’re suddenly all over each other and then Diana changes her mind, and THANK GOD!! Conor lets her go and leaves the room. (Although it’s pretty tragic I’m excited about him basically being a decent human being).

Chapter Six

Diana stands on her balcony and muses. Introspection, single tear sliding down her cheek, introspection, angry introspection, more tears. Diana goes outside to find Production Company Owner Georgina riding a horse (is there absolutely no shooting of the film happening at all around here?) and a new character is introduced: Chief Accountant James Carthax who has been spotted promenading and chatting with Mega Bitch Eleanor.

Conor finds Diana and they fight some more (yawn).

He moved towards her, magnificently sexy in blue jeans, a white shirt and a black silk unbuttoned waistcoat. (p112)

And Conor demonstrates exactly why he’s the hero:

“And do you know why I didn’t?” His hands gripped her shoulders. “Because of what we’d been through! Because you’d been honest, because you’d told me the truth at last…and because you’d lain in my arms and cried like a baby. How could I have forced myself on you in those circumstances?” (p113)

What a gentleman.

They actually do some filming.

And then Diana goes for a walk with Acting Coach Geoff. She tells him she’s not interested and that she wasn’t particularly happy about the kiss. He says the kiss was just an impulse thing.

“Really,” he assured her with a light smile, “just one of those things. A sunny day, a pretty girl….” He shrugged slender shoulders. “I’m a man. I’m as prey to these things as the next guy..”
Diana smiled slightly, and looked away. “OK. That sounds fair enough.” (p115)

Ugh seriously, these men she’s hanging around with, she needs to ditch them all and hang out on her own on a tropical island.

Geoff convinces her to take a break and go with him to town, where the “town square was scented with Frenchness” (really).

Geoff tells Diana that Conor’s ex-girlfriend Talia is arriving to the chateau. Geoff also must be completely out of the loop because he’s beginning to think there might be something between Conor and Diana! (no kidding dude, didn’t the whole cast and crew see them kissing earlier in the chapter?) But now Geoff is asking Diana to dinner:

“So!” Geoff grinned at her. “Can I put you down in my Filofax for dinner tomorrow night?”(p118)

Where Talia has arrived and is dancing in the ballroom for some reason:

Diana breathed thickly, rooted to the spot, as mesmerised by the beautiful black-haired witch as everyone else in the room was, all staring in silence as Talia danced like Salome for Conor Slade: her warrior king, her Herod…her lover. (p119)

At dinner that night, everyone’s in dinner jackets and gowns. (As you do) We meet Talia:

“Dahlink,” drawled Talia’s throaty voice as she slid the last piece of chocolate into Conor’s mouth with her long fingers, “if there vere grapes on the table, I vould peel zem for you…” (p124)

She’s obviously the vamp then.

Chapter Seven wherein it feels like there’s been literally no character development at ALL in this book.

Diana is jealous but says she isn’t; Conor is taunting her but claims he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Conor tells Diana to say she loves him or he’ll kill her. (What a romantic) Diana then realises that she does love him and has loved him all along (What?!) but she doesn’t feel ready to have sex with him.

“All right!” Conor’s harsh voice brought her back to reality with a thud. “Lie there in your lonely bed, you little bitch! Lie here with your dyed-blonde hair and you empty life and your jealousy and tell yourself you don’t love me, don’t want me!” (p133)

Honestly by this stage I’ve got whiplash from these two, can they just decide whether they want to kill each other or fuck each other and be done with it, please. Conor leaves, Diana is given another opportunity for tearful musing.

The next day, they head off on location to film a scene. Conor and Diana are unpleasant to each other. Diana is pining and Conor is dickish. Talia does a bit of eastern-European vamping.

“He’s an even older friend of mine, dahlink, and I tell you – zat man has a temper!” She placed a red-taloned hand on Diana’s arm, drawling. “Oh…he is passionate!” (p139)

Diana finishes the day, crying into Geoff’s shoulder about breaking a prop.

“Oh dear!” Geoff stroked her hair. “And they had that specially made…”(p141)

Someone please correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t a lot of props in films, particularly a fantasy epic as this one seems to be (It’s called The Virgin and the Unicorn), specially made? And don’t they usually have several backups?

Also, I don’t understand why Diana’s so upset, when Conor’s ripped apart several of her elaborate beaded costumes in his passionate “seductions.”

Chapter Eight – and we’re up to 28 blazing eyes.

Conor gives Diana an ultimatum: If she cancels her dinner plans with Acting Coach Geoff, Conor will leave her alone for good; but if she goes out with Geoff, she has to sleep with Conor. (Again, solid logic). Diana ignores him and she and Geoff arrive at a restaurant 30km away from the chateau only to find that Conor and Talia are at the same restaurant. Talia says some catty things to Diana in the ladies’ room; Diana seethes. They have dinner, return to the chateau and then Geoff tries to rape Diana in her bedroom.

“Well, why do you think I took you to that place tonight?” he exploded, blue eyes flashing. “The bill was a week’s wages for me! You don’t think I spend that kind of money on -”
“But I thought you wanted to be friends with me!” she whispered, her face white as the awful truth sank in.
“At that kind of price?” he said unpleasantly. “Forget it!” (p157)

Diana sits in her room after Geoff has left and, get this, starts to feel sorry for Geoff!

She grimaced, compassion for poor Geoff filling her. How awful that she should have felt repelled by his kiss. (p158)

Diana get all dressed up in a sexy white nightdress and negligee and goes next door to Conor’s room, lies down on the bed and then when he arrives and asks her if she’s come to see him, she says no. (Which makes no sense given that she is lying on his bed) Conor reveals that he had told Geoff about the restaurant, which was why they all ended up there.

Chapter Nine or Please Make It End Soon

They have sex. Or they both descend into hell…or something.

…a second later she was crying out in agonising pleasure, flipping up and down like a rag-doll as the hot wet spasms dragged her down into the blackest, hottest hell she had ever known.

“I love you…” Conor was biting out thickly. “Oh God…!” and his whole body jerked into her as he too was racked by the spasms and flung screaming into hell, his heart banging as though in cardiac arrest as he writhed on top of her. (p166-7)

The next day Diana hears Conor speaking with Production Company Owner Georgina about how a woman genuinely believes that he’s in love with her and it’s all Georgina’s fault because she encouraged it, and maybe they need to hire a psychoanalyst to counsel this person and make it all better when he breaks her heart.

Diana, of course, assumes he’s talking about her, but instead of asking him about it, she decides to go back to the whole fighting and arguing schtick. They can’t talk it out, because they only have two minutes for some reason, for Diana to ride out on the unicorn into the battle scene and do some acting. The film shoot wraps up and there’s a party.

Diana arrives, sees Conor dancing with Talia and cries out on the balcony where she sees:

Two people in evening dress across the lawn. They were lovers in love, kissing, their bodies clinging together as Diana watched in an agony of pain. (p175)

It’s Eleanor and James Carthax, Chief Accountant and Tamer of the Shrew. Eleanor has turned up conveniently because we’re only ten pages away from the end of the book, and there are some backstory plot points that need to be explained! And wow, the dramas, they are here in spades.

Allannah (Diana’s mother) was married young, to a much older, rich man.

“He died two years after they were married, but Allannah hated him. My parents had married her off in order to seal a business deal, and she never forgave them because I think her husband was vicious to her.” (p177)

Allannah met Eleanor’s fiance (Eleanor was the favourite and was allowed to choose her husband) at their engagement party and they ran off to Ireland together and got hitched and then had Diana. Now that Eleanor has fallen in love with James, she feels terrible for hating Allannah and Diana and has to apologise. Fortunately Diana the Doormat is OK with this.

“You’re my half-mother. You were always there for me, even though I knew you hated me. How can I not try to understand why you did it? How can I not try to forgive?” (p179)

All is forgiven, Conor appears to also forgive Eleanor for trying to keep Diana away from him. And, having played their role to completion, James and Eleanor exit, stage left.

Chapter Ten, we’re on the home stretch.

Diana and Conor tell each other how much they love and want each other. Diana then tells Conor she heard what he said about her. And, surprise! Conor was talking about Talia. Apparently Talia is actually an ordinary English girl from Kent who has had plastic surgery, changed her name and now speaks with a Russian accent to be famous, so they’re all worried that she’s completely unstable and may need therapy.

Diana just about smacks herself in the forehead, exclaiming “of course, it’s so obvious.” They talk about flying in a psychiatrist and put that plot complication to one side.

Apologies all around and:

“To hell and back?” he asked, eyes blazing.
“Yes…to hell and back!” (p188)

And that’s 30 blazing eyes.