671. RT Rewind: May 1995 Reviews

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Sarah Wendell: Hello! And welcome to episode number 671. I’m Sarah Wendell; this is Smart Podcast, Trashy Books; and Amanda and I are hopping back in the time machine to go back to May 1995. Yes. That’s thirty years ago. Yes, I know; me too. We’ve got weird reviews and outstanding side character names, we have a debut of a much-loved historical romance author, and a few side trips. We’re talking about the past and the present at the same time, which is one of my very favorite things to do when discussing romance.

I will have links to all of the books that we talk about and select clips from the magazine at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast under episode 671.

I have a compliment this week, which makes my day.

To Jolean O.: First, I assume that many people sing to you, and I’m not going to do that. Have you ever walked into an ice cream parlor and been unable to choose because every flavor is your favorite and you’re really excited? That’s the feeling you give people when you hang out with them.

If you would like a compliment of your very own or you’d like to support this here show, patreon.com/SmartBitches is the place to do that. We have the nicest listeners in our community, we have a wonderful Discord, there are bonus episodes, you get the full scan of RT, and every pledge makes sure that every episode is fully accessible with a transcript handcrafted by garlicknitter. Hi, garlicknitter! [Hi, Sarah and all the transcript readers! – gk] Your support means a lot. And if Patreon support is not in the cards, no worries. May I humbly ask that you leave a review for the show. The reviews make an enormous difference; that’s why all the podcasters ask for them. If you’re using Pocket Casts, for example, you don’t even have to write anything; you can just tap the stars and move on with your day. Most of all, thank you for being here; thank you for listening. I’m so happy to keep you company.

This episode is sponsored by Silent Retreat by Sally Quinn, one of Town & Country’s must-read summer books of 2025. From bestselling novelist and DC powerhouse Sally Quinn comes a riveting tale of forbidden desire and spiritual reckoning. When Sybilla Sumner checks into a monastery for a silent retreat, romance is the last thing on her mind. She plans to spend five meditative days surrounded by the beauty of the Shenandoah Valley, and apart from her famous husband and their crumbling marriage. James Fitzmaurice-Kelly isn’t looking for romance either. He’s the Archbishop of Dublin, and has maintained a vow of celibacy for decades, even as he’s publicly questioned the church’s teachings. But as Sybilla and Fitz continue silently crossing paths, an undeniable charge builds between them, one that could see them abandoning their vows. In this sophisticated, sexy, and soulful love story, novelist Sally Quinn explores the boundary between flesh and spirit, restraint and ecstasy, and asks what we’re willing to sacrifice in the name of passion. Silent Retreat by Sally Quinn is available now on Amazon in hardcover and eBook.

Support for this episode comes from Skims, who want you to know about the ultimate pushup bra. Did you know pushup bras were back? The Skims ultimate bra has been everywhere on my social media, and I remember pushup bras being bulky and itchy and uncomfortable and, you know, difficult to believe that they would work? But the ultimate pushup bra is delightful, which I would never say about a bra, but it’s true. It’s lightweight, it doesn’t dig into my ribs, and it hoists things in ways that defy gravity. In fact, as I’ve mentioned, I was trying it on and my younger child walked in and said, Oh, wow, Mom, you look great! Which I will accept as a compliment. It was very comfortable, and I didn’t need to adjust it all the time, either, which is another positive for a bra. Amanda is also looking for a pushup bra and was very curious about this one because I’ve said so many positive things, so I showed it to her over Zoom, and she’s like, I think I need one. But the most important thing I think you should know is that it doesn’t make any of your assets bigger. There’s no added bulk. It just makes fun of gravity with lift and support, which I am amazed every time it happens. The fabric is incredibly soft, and my favorite thing about the Skims line is that all of their products come in a range of colors to match different skin tones. And they offer a very wide range of sizes. You can shop the Skims ultimate bra collection and more at skims.com. After you place your order, be sure to let them know I sent you. You can select Podcast in the survey, and be sure to select my show from the dropdown menu that follows. Or visit skims.com/SARAH. Thank you to Skims for supporting this episode, and thank you for supporting our advertisers.

All right, are you ready to do this podcast? Let’s go back in time to May ’95. On with the podcast.

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Sarah: I think a pink dongle sounds like something from an alien-fucking romance, if you are asking me. Cheers on the iced coffee, by the way. Cheers.

Amanda: I thought, She touched his turgid pink dongle. [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: You can see what kind of a morning I’m having, where this is the first thing and my brain’s been like, Oh, that, oh! Well, that’s, let’s think about that!

Amanda: I mean, it’s not even ten-thirty, and we’ve talked about poop –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – and alien penises –

Sarah: That’s right, and –

Amanda: – so we’re on track.

Sarah: And if anyone’s curious why we’re talking about puke, poop, I am late to our recording, and you don’t understand how deeply that cringes and crumples my soul. If my soul was made of aluminum foil, it would be a tiny, tiny, little ball. Because it is pouring, pouring, pouring like downpour, like before I got onto my desk, I had to go change my clothes because I was soaking wet from the, like, thighs down. I had to walk my dog. He just refuses to poop in the rain. And I relate! I also would not want to poop in the rain, but while I was out my neighbor, who has a dog-walking business, came roaring up the street, was like, Have you seen Cookie? Who is my neighbor’s dog, and I’m like, No, but Buzz did alert on something when we walked out. Cookie jumped the yard and has been running around in the rain for the past hour, and when they finally caught Cookie, this is the most wet dog I’ve ever seen. This dog is going to smell up other people’s houses it’s so wet. So that was, like, the last half –

Amanda: Cookie was having the time of its life.

Sarah: Cookie, Cookie, she was delighted with this whole development. Covered in mud from her chin down, and so this is why I’m late: wet dog and pooping in the rain, so I deeply apologize.

Amanda: No big deal!

Sarah: Well, shall we get started on this magazine? Oh my God, your face! I was delighted by this one. This one is so off-the-rails.

Amanda: A lot of, like, head-tilt…

Sarah: [Laughs] Yes!

Amanda: ‘Kay!

Sarah: There are a couple ads in here where I’m like, I’m like, What, what is that an ad for?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Oh yeah. This is going to be amazing; buckle up, everybody.

So we, we start with the cover in the next issue, but I will say, just putting a little medallion of the, the cover image, it, it’s like, you have all of this space, and John DeSalvo has all of that hair. [Laughs] Why is it not bigger?

Amanda: Yeah. The hair takes up about a quarter.

Sarah: Easily! I mean, her hair isn’t even the biggest thing in here; it’s his – and also, by the way, I wish my hair did that.

Amanda: Don’t we all?

Sarah: Like, maybe we should do a post of a survey of the romance novel hair we thought we had.

Amanda: I know! I mean, like, I have lovely, wavy, curly hair. But I –

Sarah: You do have lovely hair!

Amanda: – I can’t get it to behave for the life of me. It’s frizzy; it’s not glossy or shiny. I don’t know. [Laughs]

Sarah: So with the way you have your hair right now, you have some perfect spirals coming off the side, and they’re awesome.

Amanda: Yep. [Laughs] I need a haircut, too, but yep!

Sarah: My hair is, well, unless I tell it otherwise, it’s going to be flat. It is curly the longer it gets, but when it’s short it’s like, Um, nah; we’re just going to lie down. That hair –

Amanda: The hair wrangling for the wedding dress shopping was, was a second job.

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: I know.

Sarah: So shall we get started with the reviews in this issue? This is May 1995, which was a solid thirty years ago.

Amanda: I know. I was six years old.

Sarah: I was twenty. But then I look at May 1995 and I’m like, That’s five years before I got married. That’s still a really long fuck-, fucking time. Like, that, that was a year after Adam and I got together, ‘cause we got together in summer 1994. So you don’t remember any of these books is what you were saying, since you were –

Amanda: No!

Sarah: – tiny person.

Amanda: [Laughs] I feel like I was a, a relatively young romance reader, but not that young.

Sarah: [Laughs] So –

Amanda: …that young.

Sarah: – why don’t you go first, because you had all the things to say about this book that I was thinking too.

Amanda: So I picked, on page 42, the cover book, which is Fancy by Norah Hess, and of course both Sarah and I thought of the same joke, which –

Sarah: Of course!

Amanda: …”Fancy” by Reba McEntire, and I looked up when that song came out, which came out in 1990!

Sarah: Okay, first, I feel old.

Amanda: Did not know that.

Sarah: I feel very old. Do you think that Norah Hess was inspired by the song? Five years is –

Amanda: I –

Sarah: – plenty of time.

Amanda: I know! That’s what I was thinking about, ‘cause books take a while to write, you know, a year, two, three, so it’s possible, and kind of given the description –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – of the book, it’s possible? But also, what a great song. Love that song.

Sarah: Amazing song. There’s not enough really good, really good bangers about child sex workers.

Amanda: I know. [Laughs]

So I chose Fancy by Norah Hess. It got three stars, which I’m shocked.

Sarah: Isn’t that surprising? It’s the cover book, and they gave it three stars!

Amanda: It also has, like, a feature –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – in the book, and they only gave it three stars, so I was really –

Sarah: Shocking.

Amanda: – surprised. Three stars is Very Good according to this rubric at the time. The setting is 1850s America, and previous titles include Devil in Spurs and Sage. So the review –

Sarah: Next book is Parsley.

Amanda: Yeah.

>> At nineteen, Fancy Cranson is a taxi dancer –

Which, I didn’t know what the hell a taxi dancer was, so I had to google that.

>> is a taxi dancer for Big Myrt –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> – and the, and the woman-starved loggers of Dawson’s Camp.

Sarah: [Still laughing]

Amanda: >> It’s a hard existence, but one of the few ways Fancy can earn enough to support herself and her mentally handicapped cousin Lenny –

Sarah: Oh God.

Amanda: Of Mice and Men, anyone?

Sarah: Not Lenny!

Amanda: >> – after her –

[Laughs]

>> – after her father’s death!

Sarah: Oh my God. I’m dying already!

Amanda: >> Unlike the other dancers –

She’s not like other girls.

>> – Fancy doesn’t sell herself, but Chance Dawson refuses to believe the new blonde isn’t available for a price.

Sarah: Bro. [Laughs]

Amanda: >> Shocked by Fancy’s rebuff, Chance resolves to persuade her into his bed, but it’s tragedy that gives him the opportunity. Fancy’s sister and her husband drown, leaving their young son Todd orphaned. As his aunt, Fancy believes she has a claim to Todd, until she learns Chance Dawson is his uncle. A shared household leads to passion. Fancy sees a caring side to Chance in his treatment of Todd and Lenny, and Chance begins to wonder whether Fancy is really the innocent she claims.

>> Norah Hess has supplied a rough-and-tumble supporting cast of loggers, a knife-wielding prostitute, and a ghostly woman who haunts the camp. The lively action in this latest release from the talented Miss Hess is sure to catch your fancy. Sensual!

[Laughter]

Sarah: Oh my God!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: If that does not specifically capture mid-‘90s romance, I’m not sure anything will. Big Myrt! [Laughs]

Amanda: Big Myrt, people are dying –

Sarah: So what is a taxi dancer?

Amanda: It’s like a, like a dance hall dancer.

Sarah: Wonder why they’re called taxi dancers. Are there taxis in the logging town?

Amanda: So I googled it again. They’re like a paid dancer in a ballroom dance setting? But there’s no fucking ballroom when you’re out at a logging camp, so –

Sarah: Ah, the taxi dancer term is used because they essentially taxi patrons from one dance to the next like a taxi driver. Wow! That’s not at all complimentary, but okay!

Amanda: I also don’t love storylines where the, you have a character that is in some sort of, like, sex work, but they don’t participate in the sex work. They’re too good for the sex work.

Sarah: Yeah. Romance has had a very slow understanding of the nuances of sex work, and this is clearly not anywhere near the period of time where that started to be a discussion.

Amanda: I know, but everyone feel free to take a little “Fancy” break.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: You know, listen to the song, watch the music video –

Sarah: I’ll find out how much I can put in.

Amanda: – watch Kelly Clarkson’s performance –

Sarah: Oh my God.

Amanda: – at the Kennedy honors. So good.

Sarah: Ohhh my goodness. Yeah, I’m making a note about that.

Amanda: Yeah. For those who don’t know, Clarkson was Reba’s daughter-in-law until she divorced her husband.

Sarah: And Reba also divorced her crappy husband, and now they are, like, BFFs.

Amanda: I love that.

Sarah: Oh, yes. I get the feeling that both Reba and Kelly give, like, incredible Christmas gifts; they are the nicest people to come to their houses; they probably have a cookie recipe that is just mindblowing. Like, the two of them are probably, like, god-tier levels of welcoming person.

Amanda: Yeah, I think Reba as a grandma –

Sarah: Can you imagine Reba McEntire as your grandma?

Amanda: Would love that! What did you pick, Sarah?

Sarah: Well, thank you for asking.

Amanda: [Giggles]

Sarah: On PDF page 40, I picked another very sensitively titled book –

Amanda: Oh no.

Sarah: – called The Savage. This is The Savage by author Parris Afton Bonds, which could be a person, could be a law firm, could be both! Leisure, four stars, Excellent, setting: Colonial America. Get ready. Pretty titles include The Captive and Ravished. Oh no! Buckle up; here we go. So, in the last one we had Fancy Cranson and Chance Dawson. In my review we’ve got Modesty Brown.

Amanda: Which, to me, seems like a shade of Spanx.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: When you’re picking –

Sarah: Goes with your dongle.

Amanda: – your color you want your Spanx to be, it’s like, I’ll go with the Modesty Brown.

Sarah: Yes, all, all colors are available, including Modesty Brown.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: >> Modesty Brown has devilish eyes, one blue, one brown, and the cleft in her chin is considered a sign of lewdness.

Amanda: I have a cleft in my chin! [Laughs]

Sarah: I have seen so many romance heroes on covers with absolute mega chin divots like the Grand Canyon has taken up residence at the bottom of their faces. That’s a sign of lewdness?

Amanda: Apparently.

Sarah: I learn so much from this magazine, Amanda; I tell ya. So Modesty Brown has heterochromia and a cliff, cleft in her chin, and that’s a sign of her being a hoor.

>> Her reputation isn’t enhanced by her working in a tavern and the disappearance of valuables stolen from the wealthy and powerful. To avoid prison, she answers an ad for “willing maids for marriage to bachelor planters of James City colony.”

Oh boy.

>> The new world colony in 1620 is the destination for a whole galley of criminals, including her former boss, and Richard Ratcliff, the man she exposed as a card cheat. With secret plans to earn her passage back to England, quick-witted Modesty becomes broker for several of the brides. She obtains for them the husbands they desire. Ratcliff will not allow her even that small victory, however, and accuses her of being a witch. She bargains with Mad Dog Jones –

Do you think they’re, he’s friends with Big Myrt? [Laughs]

Amanda: Maybe!

Sarah: >> She bargains with Mad Dog Jones to represent her in the colony court in exchange for agreeing to marry him. Mad Dog’s enmity for Ratcliff and his plans for revenge give him a motive for accepting Modesty’s proposal.

>> Few romance novels include a bibliography, as this one does. Parris Afton Bonds obviously did her homework, and she artfully presents the rich details that bring colonial times to life. The novel’s real appeal comes from its roguish cast of characters. Sensual!

Okay, first of all, who’s the hero? Is it –

Amanda: I think it’s Mad Dog.

Sarah: So she’s going to, Modesty’s going to marry Mad Dog? Can you imagine their wedding invitations? Mad Dog and Modesty invite you to the celebration –

Amanda: What a surreal name. That can’t be his given, Christian name.

Sarah: You think it’s, like, Chet?

Amanda: Do you remember – can you imagine if he’s baptized Mad Dog?

Sarah: You want to go by Mad or Dog or both? Okay! All right.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Also, again, this is not a review. This is a book report. This is what happens in the book.

Amanda: Yeah, all of them are like that. Yeah.

Sarah: Oh yeah. This era was not a review; it was a book report and a summary, so, like, you don’t even need to read this, because you know what happens.

Amanda: There you go, yeah; you’re done.

Sarah: Just spoiling the whole thing!

Amanda: Save yourself some time.

Sarah: Moving on, the next section is Series, and it is a full thirty page, pages later.

Amanda: So big.

Sarah: There are a lot of ones.

Amanda: [Laughs] Yes, there are!

Sarah: But I would also like to point out that one star, according to this ratings key, is Acceptable. So what does it mean that every romance novel published this month is Acceptable?

Amanda: I think someone’s lying, that’s…

Sarah: The bar is low. The bar is –

Amanda: The bar is in hell. [Laughs]

Sarah: The bar is in hell. So what book did you pick?

Amanda: So this section is massive compared to the other Series sections in –

Sarah: Holy cow, yes.

Amanda: – you know, recent, more recent issues. And there are lots of ones, and you know, sometimes I scroll through. And there’s one called Operation: Husband, but I read it as Obliteration: Husband? [Laughs]

Sarah: So, so wedding planning is going well, is what you’re saying.

Amanda: [Laughs] So I was like, What’s that about? But I picked, on page 78, Mysterious Mountain Man –

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: – and there’s a reason, which I will explain after the very brief review.

Sarah: Is it that you love the mountains and you love being outside?

Amanda: I do love the mountains; I don’t love being outside. So you got half right. [Laughs]

>> Annette Broadrick makes our senses swim with the charms of a mysterious mountain man. When a high-tech businesswoman goes looking for her recently deceased father’s former protégé, she is astonished to find him holed up like a hermit in the mountains of west Texas. Could she find a way to persuade him to come back to Seattle and rescue her company from disaster? Miss Broadrick pens another delightful love story to warm the cockles of our hearts.

Are your cockles warmed? [Laughs]

Sarah: So wait, not only my cockles are warm, but my senses are swimming? That’s a lot of metaphors!

Amanda: Yeah. What I’m curious about is, this was 1995.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: How is a high-tech businesswoman portrayed? Is she lugging around a car phone and a briefcase? Like, what is the high-tech businesswoman looking like in 1995? How big are her shoulder pads?

Sarah: I was just thinking, What is the shoulder pad situation in this, in this book?

Amanda: Yeah. I just imagine her, like, lugging around the car phone and lugging around, like, not a typewriter. Did we have, like –

Sarah: Word processors.

Amanda: – word processors? Yeah.

Sarah: Yes, word processors.

Amanda: Like, lugging around a word processor, just double-fisting her high-tech.

Sarah: Yeah, in 1995, I was in college. I graduated high school in ’93, so this would have been my sophomore year, and by then I think I had a computer, but my freshman year I had a word processor, and just imagine a big – like, imagine a printer, you know? Like, a big rectangle, and most of this thing was a printer, like a whole printer in the back, and then there was a tiny little screen and a really big keyboard, and I could pick it up by a handle in the back, and I think it weighed at least fifteen pounds. It was huge.

Amanda: Can you imagine lugging that up a mountain?

Sarah: That was considered high tech. Like, most people at that point were typing up their papers in the library, and I was typing mine up in my room because people! No, thank you! That was high tech in 1993, so I don’t know how much farther we’ve gone in 1995.

Amanda: Yeah…

Sarah: So I think her hair is –

Amanda: Oh, big.

Sarah: Crispy?

Amanda: A fire hazard, for sure.

Sarah: Do, do you think she does the thing where you put the, put the curling iron across your bangs and then spray them until they sizzle?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Get that double-barreled sideways butt?

Amanda: Well, sometimes I’ll be straightening my hair, and I have a lot of hair, and sometimes my hair is not fully dry because I’m impatient, and once again, I have a lot of hair. And so Brian’s like, What’s that smell?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Is something burning? And I’m like –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – It’s just my hair straightener; it’s fine. Brian is so worried I’m going to burn the house down.

Sarah: [Laughs] You have too much hair! Stop it!

Amanda: [Laughs] I know! Which one did you pick, Sarah?

Sarah: I picked, on page 77, Faith, Hope and Marriage.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: This got one star.

Amanda: The three genders.

Sarah: Yes.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Three genders. This is a Harlequin Romance, so this isn’t part of any of the inspirational lines that I’m aware of, unless Harlequin Romance had more inspirational content back then; I might be wrong.

>> An independent young lawyer who had little time in her life fooor – [pause] – faith, hope, and marriage –

Amanda: Faith, hope, and marriage.

Sarah: One star.

Amanda: They said it!

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: They said the title!

Sarah: Yay!

>> – begins to have a change of heart when her new job introduces her to a gorgeous builder who provi-, who proves irresistible. Despite a choppy plot, Emma Goldrick tickles readers’ funny bones with this humorous and feisty love story.

Amanda: But also, one star?

Sarah: One star. Okay, so what’s the problem here? Tickle, also funny bones, cockles, and swimming senses: we have a lot going on in terms of metaphor here.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: There’s also another one-star?

>> The judge’s unusual verdict for two single-parent families who are both fighting for custody of a dog –

Amanda: I almost picked this one!

[Laughter]

Sarah: Custody of a dog!

>> – sets into motion some heavy-duty soul-searching, which will eventually improve their lives and help them in Finding Father! One star. Emotionally, these characters seem to miss the mark; however, Anne Marie Duquette takes it an interesting premine –

Excuse me!

>> – takes an interesting premise and gives it life.

So that I understand that these characters are weird. Faith, Hope and Marriage, couldn’t tell you. There were feisty funny bones and no cockles.

Amanda: But Finding Father, is the dog named Father? Or is the dog finding its father with the families?

Sarah: Father would be a weird but effective name for a dog.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I honestly don’t know. Would anyone –

Amanda: Workshopping pet names.

Sarah: Oh, pet names are –

Amanda: I want more pets to name, to name them.

Sarah: I have not named a pet since Adam and I moved in together and got two cats that we named. Otherwise, all of our – no, wait, we had four cats. We named all four of those, and ever since then we have not named a pet. They have come with their names.

Amanda: Oh, we always change them. ‘Cause we’re like, this is dumb. [Laughs]

Sarah: Well –

Amanda: We’re not keeping this name!

Sarah: – Buzz and Zeb were abandoned in a kill shelter in Arkansas, and Buzz’s original name was Fuzzball, and the rescue workers thought that that was undignified, so they changed it to Buzz, and then we adopted them, and I was like, That’s a lot of name changes. We’ll just leave it be. We were going to change Zeb’s name to Woody so it was Woody and Buzz like in Toy Story, but Zeb to Woody was not going to work vowel-wise, so we just, we just kept it.

Amanda: I feel like they get used to it eventually? Or they just ignore it. Like, Fig, we rarely call her Fig or Fig Newton. We always call her Little Lady.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: [Laughs] So do names even matter?

Sarah: I mean, each of my pets has at least forty different names.

Amanda: Oh yeah.

Sarah: Right?

Amanda: Linus, Linus is Stinky Old Man; Toast is Mr. Toast; and Fig is just Little Lady.

Sarah: So I’ve got Wilbur, Wilbeezer –

Amanda: Oh my God, I heard her trill outside when she heard me say the words Little Lady!

Sarah: Yes?

Amanda: [Laughs] Yeah!

Sarah: Is your neck cold? Do your shoulders lack cat? I’m coming in!

Amanda: [Laughs] I closed the door. She’s been crawling into my skin lately.

Sarah: Hi! Yeah. It’s time!

Moving on to Mainstream Fiction, what did you pick?

Amanda: Wait, it takes so long to get there.

Sarah: I know. It’s another –

Amanda: So –

Sarah: – twenty-page jump to these.

Amanda: [Laughs] My finger’s getting tired! So I picked, on page 90, Something Wonderful by Martha Gross. Now, I’m going to read the description –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – and then there are two things I want to point out after I read the description. It got three stars, which means Very Good.

>> The Martins and the Pinebenders were friends and business neighbors in Hollywood, Florida –

That is where I was born! So I have intim- –

Sarah: Oh, no kidding!

Amanda: And I have intimate knowledge of this location.

Sarah: Ohhh boy.

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> When Mandy Martin’s husband abandons her, the widowed Charlie Pinebender comforts Mandy one evening with sex!

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: For, yeah, yeah! As you do!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Sure!

>> For about a year afterward, Mandy and Charlie avoid acknowledging their startling experience and continue their lives as friends. In the midst of assorted characters who frequent Mandy’s diner and Charlie’s newsstand in Grape Alley –

For the record, I googled Grape Alley, because I lived in Hollywood from 1989, when I was born, to, I don’t know, I lived there for like thirteen years, and then we moved to north Florida, so I was there for a while, and I was a cognizant human, but I don’t know what the hell Grape Alley is. Maybe it’s a fictional place, but I could not find any record of Grape Alley, and I kept getting Do you mean Alligator Alley?

Sarah: No?

Amanda: No. That is not what I mean. So if any of you who lived in Hollywood, Florida, in the ‘80s or early ‘90s and a Grape Alley existed, please let me know.

>> – volunteer work among troubled kids, and the threat of unwanted industrial developers, Mandy and Charlie decide that lots of things make no difference if you keep your eyes closed and learn to love again. This near novel of manners, especially sexual manners –

Sarah: What?

Amanda: >> – plot –

I know.

>> – plot floats smoothly along –

Keep, keep, keep your butt in your seat, ‘cause it gets weirder.

>> – who are almost wild enough to compare to John Kennedy Toole’s A Confederacy of Dunces, but definitely committed enough to their intrigues to represent an American version of the characters and special setting in The Madwoman of Chaillot?

Chaillot, I think? It’s French.

>> – by Jean Giraudoux? This one’s for fun.

That’s how it ends. I haven’t –

Sarah: I know that those are all words I know. I don’t understand what you just said.

Amanda: I haven’t read The Madwoman of Chaillot, but I have read A Confederacy of Dunces. Spoiler: I hated it.

Sarah: Shocking. [Sings] Shocking!

Amanda: [Laughs] So having, like, this women’s fiction being compared to A Confederacy of Dunces is bizarre to me. But the two things I want to point out are above the title of the review, this is listed as an over-forty-five romance.

Sarah: Huh!

Amanda: So both the characters are supposedly over forty-five. However, we also have a cover image if you go to page 90.

Sarah: I saw this when I was looking at ads and features, and I was like, Wait, what is that? It’s black and white! It doesn’t tell you much!

Amanda: Yeah. So the cover of this book is on the following page, and it – [laughs] – I can’t tell who this man reminds me of. I, he’s giving a little Alan Rickman in Die Hard, but a blond. That’s what it reads to me. But there’s a woman kissing him on the cheek with her arms around him, and maybe – like, these people don’t look over forty-five to me.

Sarah: No. Have you seen it in color?

Amanda: No.

Sarah: Something Wonderful – oh, it’s the, okay, it’s my favorite eBay listing, who puts all of the books on a, on a lace tablecloth! Hey, favorite listing person!

Amanda: Yep! Okay, so in the scan, or in the black and white, his hair looks blond, but in the photo, the color image, it’s actually gray.

Sarah: He looks like every English comedian who’s older than us merged into one.

Amanda: I also love how the – [laughs] – the blurb is from the Sun Sentinel –

Sarah: I know!

Amanda: – which is the…

Sarah: This is really, really, really, really Florida. Do you remember when you used to be able to get mentions for books based on locality? Like, publicists would put together lists of books that were coming out in a specific town or set in a specific town and then send them to the newspaper that was local there? Like, that was a whole thing! That was, like, part of the job!

Amanda: …publicist, there was one book that I was working on that was nonfiction, and it was set in a small town in Alaska? And we pitched, like, local small, like, Alaskan radio stations –

Sarah: Hell yeah!

Amanda: – and just, like, really community specific –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – media, even if it was small, because they were more likely to pick up on it? And then a lot of those stations or papers were part of a larger, like, syndication?

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: So –

Sarah: You get one.

Amanda: – they would eventually, like, run on other stuff.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: So I’m reading the back of the book from the listing, and it looks like Grape Alley is like a neighborhood that they, that someone wants to turn into, like, a high-rise complex, so maybe just a fictional neighborhood in Hollywood, Florida.

I’ve been – sidebar – I’ve been experiencing a weird bout of homesickness? I just read, like, a Gothic horror debut that was, like, set in the Florida Everglades?

Sarah: Ooh, which one?

Amanda: It’s called Mayra, M-A-Y-R-A, by –

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: – Nicky Gonzalez, and she’s from Hialeah, which is where my dad used to work, and it’s about, like, toxic female friendships, and it’s got a haunted house. It was really interesting for a debut, but it captures Florida so well. And I’m like, Man! Parts of me, like, really miss how unique Florida is, and some of its, like, really interesting geography.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: But.

Sarah: Florida is indeed a unique place.

Amanda: Yeah! [Laughs] I’m being generous.

[Laughter]

Amanda: Okay, what did you pick?

Sarah: On the same page, PDF page 90, I picked –

Amanda: It’s actually PDF page 86, everybody.

Sarah: Oh, I screwed up. Thank you.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I also noticed, by the way, and we’ll get to this in ads and features, there are pages missing from this magazine, and I double-checked, and it’s not my fault. I just need to make it clear. PDF –

Amanda: This is like the second or third time. Like, what if they’re just –

Sarah: They’re just, they save them –

Amanda: …disappear into some ether.

Sarah: [Laughs] They save them all for a big issue at the end. Surprise!

[Laughter]

Sarah: We’ve got all of the, got all of these covers and all these pictures now! All right, page 86 of the PDF, page 90 of the magazine, Dreams by Rebecca Forster, contemporary romance from Zebra, four and a half stars, Exceptional! This is a name: Sass Brandt.

Amanda: The, the names are killer.

Sarah: The killer, the names in this one are great. We’ve got, we’ve got Big Myrt, and we’ve got, what was her name? Devotion, Destiny.

Amanda: Modesty Brown.

Sarah: Modesty, Dedication, Insta-, I –

Amanda: Fancy Cranson?

Sarah: Got Fancy Cranson, got Modesty Brown, we’ve got good names in this one.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Sass Brandt, and I just want to say if this was ever recorded into an audiobook, I extend my sympathies to the producers who had to then tone down all of that sibilance with all of these Ss; it’s a lot of Ss in this book.

>> Sass Brandt, a beloved Hollywood star, becomes fixated on producing and starring in a movie based on a little-known novel by deceased author Tyler McDonald. Unfortunately, the rights to the book are held by Shay Collier, who flatly refuses to release them.

So this could be written right now.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: >> Sass tracks Shay –

Again, audiobook.

>> – down to plead for reason. There is no way Shay Collier is going to let Sass get her hands on the novel. Shay’s pain is much too personal and tense as the novel outlines the brutal betrayal and tragedy that have destroyed his life. After Sass learns the truth behind the haunting story, she abandons her attempt to pressure Shay.

Okay, good for her.

>> Shay, on the other hand, had come to realize that in order to put the bitter past behind him, he must look towards the future, so he grants the rights to Sass with the proviso that he write the screenplay.

I hope that he knows how to do that. ‘Cause, you know, anybody can write a screenplay.

Amanda: Anyone can do it!

Sarah: Piece of cake. Just ask Chat-Water-Plagiarism-Machine.

>> Sass has banked her future on this movie, but a horrendous accident threatens to destroy not only the movie but Sass’s very life! Does she have the courage and strength to climb back to the top?

What the hell?

>> Author Rebecca Forster outdoes herself with this outstanding character study of damaged individuals learning to overcome past betrayals and achieve new heights of happiness! Dreams is a wonderful book, chock-full –

Oh-ho-ho, we’re hitting all the good ones.

>> – chock-full of tragic loss, redemption and enduring love, sure to bring Miss Forster many new fans.

So (a), this sounds like an angst fest.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: This sounds like so much trauma in the backstory and in the current story, but also, the idea that you have a Hollywood star who wants to produce a novel with the rights owned by somebody else, and that person refuses to let them go because the novel is actually a story about them, much to their, you know, humiliation, that could be written right now. Like, that is a conflict.

Amanda: I also think a lot of these books that we’ve chosen, the descriptions are wild. Like, you think it’s going to zig and it zags.

Sarah: No, no, it does –

Amanda: Right, like –

Sarah: – like three loops and then it goes off the cliff and comes back – oh yeah. It’s a hot, hot pile.

Amanda: Jesus! Like, I – it’s like you never know what the next word is going to be – [laughs] –

Sarah: No!

Amanda: – to describe these books!

Sarah: Well, I mean, I learned today that clefts in your chin mean you’re a horny, wanton whore-bag or something.

Amanda: I –

Sarah: Okay!

Amanda: – confirm. [Laughs]

Sarah: So moving to Sci-fi, which neither of us wrote the pages down, because this, this section, this section –

Amanda: Whatever.

Sarah: – was just a – Science Fiction is a single page with, organized by publisher, and there’s not a lot. One page of Mystery and Intrigue, one page of Science Fiction, but I will say –

Amanda: And it’s like one book per publisher.

Sarah: One book per publisher, and we’ve got Circus of the Damned, book four of Anita Blake.

Amanda: Yeah…

Sarah: There’s a new Anita Blake.

Amanda: I forgot –

Sarah: I’m sorry, you’re right; that’s not book four. That’s book three. The score is four. It got four stars, Circus of the Damned.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Was this before she turned to, turned into a glistening orifice, as one commenter called her?

Amanda: I think so. I think so, ‘cause I made it, I don’t know how far I made it into the series, but I think I definitely got past book three. But yeah, I just, I probably read these in – ‘cause my mom had all of them. She was one of those people who, before Goodreads, had like a spreadsheet and would list the new releases and whether they were in hardcover and when the paperback would eventually release? So she was really organized, and so she would have, like, would pick up the next Anita K. Blake on – or, Anita K. Blake; Anita Blake by Laurell K. Hamilton – on release day. So this was, like, one of her big series, but I probably read these in the early 2000s is when I picked them up? Not knowing that they were over a decade old –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – by the time I grabbed them.

Sarah: And she does indeed become a glistening orifice.

Amanda: Just a magic hole.

Sarah: She was a magic hole. And in the beginning she used to be such a bad dresser; remember, she would, like, wear a polo shirt that matched her socks with jeans and a fanny pack?

Amanda: But then on the covers, like, or all, like, fan art had her in, like, a leather jacket and stuff like that. I’m like, she wasn’t dressing like that!

Sarah: No! She dressed like me in middle school. Do you ever notice, by the way, that fanny packs are entirely back, but now they’re called cross-body bags or waist bags? You can’t call them a fanny pack.

Amanda: I love a fanny pack. Last time I went to Disney I bought like a Herschel black fanny pack, and it was great. And I didn’t use it –

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: – as a, like a cross-body ‘cause my boobs are huge, and that thing would have been struggling for its life.

Sarah: [Laughs] Just, just imagine me wearing a cross-body, and it’s just sort of sitting in front of my face, blocking –

Amanda: Right in the middle.

Sarah: – just blocking your view! [Laughs]

Amanda: Geeze Louise.

Sarah: So moving on to Mystery and Intrigue, again, it’s all by publishers, and there wasn’t a lot that really jumped out at us. There’s a new Anne Perry with Thomas and Charlotte Pitt, and I remain fascinated by Anne Perry killing an actual person, then writing about it for the rest of her life. Like –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – that is just –

Amanda: See, put a pin in the Anne Perry, ‘cause it comes up in the ads and features, so.

Sarah: Oh, it does indeed!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So finally, Regency. Regency’s weird! It’s two sections. Did you notice this?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: So there’s Regency Ton by Melinda Helfer, which sort of spotlights some books, and then you get reviews!

Amanda: Yeah. They have like two different formats.

Sarah: Yeah. I think this is sort of like the, this is the, the Regency…sort of like Top Picks? Except that some of these books get twos, so I’m like, Well, why are they here, and then the reviews are somewhere else? It’s very weird.

So Regency reviews includes, on PDF page 102:

>> Avon introduces a sparkling new talent from Suzanne Enoch, who delights us with The Black Duke’s Prize, three stars.

Also, I don’t think we’re titling books The Black Duke’s Prize anymore. Just don’t think we’re going to go that way.

>> A handsome duke, notorious for his fiery temper and rakeshame ways –

That’s a new one!

>> – meets –

Amanda: Scandalous!

Sarah: Rakeshame!

>> – meets his match in the form of a beautiful heiress who does not hesitate to stand up to his intimidating demeanor. Although the plot itself is somewhat awkwardly developed, Miss Enoch demonstrates a distinctive flair for fiery interplay between her two intriguing lovers. Watch for this highly gifted new author to become a real favorite with Regency fans.

Story checks out!

Amanda: So I, on the same page –

Sarah: Yes, tell me.

Amanda: – I picked a two-star, and I think this is one of the few lower-rated reviews that we’ve seen that I think provides some decent criticism that matches the grade. So this is Jo Ann Ferguson’s The Wolfe Wager.

>> Jo Ann Ferguson diverts us with The Wolfe Wager, an impromptu challenge issued by a bored gentleman of the Ton to two of his cohorts. Surely one of the three can figure out a way to win the heart of a beautiful heiress more interesting in, more interested in finding her long-lost brother than the fripperies of a London season.

Sarah: Fripperies!

Amanda: I know! I was like, I’ve never heard that word before!

>> And what starts as a careless amusement turns into unwavering determination as the handsome lord loses his own heart to the lovely lady. Although the actual twists and turns of the plot do not bear close logical scrutiny and character empathy is minimal –

Sarah: Oy!

Amanda: >> – Miss Ferguson’s piquant story idea and lively pacing will keep readers turning the pages at a rapid pace.

And I think this is fair, ‘cause I’ve read books that I’ve kept reading because there is some plot detail that I find interesting and has some, some momentum, but logically it doesn’t stand up and the characters can be annoying. So.

Sarah: I just finished like a four-hundred-plus-page book of Leshen fucking, and that is exactly the situation. Like, every time the heroine was a different kind of annoying, I didn’t know there were so, so many flavors of annoying, but there was a lot of annoying.

Amanda: That’s what I’m experiencing with Kiss of the Basilisk right now too. I wonder if that’s – [laughs] – I wonder if that’s par for the course for monster romance, where, like, the plot’s bad…

Sarah: That’s on my list! I have that on my TBR right now! We should both read it and discuss.

Amanda: Sarah, it’s fucking crazy! And I was –

Sarah: Oh goody! [Laughs]

Amanda: – talking to my coworker who lent it to me, and she’s like, There’s a plot; I promise there’s a plot. And I’m like…

Sarah: There’s a plot; I promise? That is not a great sign!

Amanda: I’m not seeing it! And then I talked to someone else –

Sarah: Keep digging.

Amanda: – and they’re like, No, she’s right; there is a plot. And I’m like, Okay, well, the heroine is annoying and insecure about everything, and they’re like, Well, she’s like that through the entire book, so get ready.

And then I have another friend who won’t read, doesn’t like sexually explicit stuff, is not a big romance reader, and so will never read this book, but is so invested in what’s happening, so I –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – read it, and then I have to give her updates because she’s curious but will never read this book.

Sarah: There’s a podcast called Too Scary; Didn’t Watch where they talk about horror movies. I think there needs to be a Too Sexy; Didn’t Read where you just read all the super sexy books and then report on them to this person and, like, you tape it, because that’s amazing. I love it.

Amanda: Yeah, this is the one that I told you where, like, the basilisk man ejaculates, and his cum becomes pearls, which he then forges into essentially a Bluetooth dildo.

Sarah: Amazing.

Amanda: – gives to the heroine to just keep inside her, and whenever he thinks about her –

Sarah: Bzzz, bzzz.

Amanda: Yeah. So I’m like…

Sarah: So the, so the plot is, How can we have sex this way?

Amanda: No!

Sarah: What’s the next way we’re going to have sex?

Amanda: The plot is that the basilisks are training the village’s women to be good at sex to then give over to the prince, and the prince has sex with the final three to –

Sarah: So wait, it’s like Sex Bachelor? [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah. To then choose who gets to give him an heir. That’s…plot.

Sarah: Sex Bachelor! Oh my God!

Amanda: It’s a Sex Bachelor, but all the women are trained by snake men beforehand.

Sarah: Oh wow, yeah, we definitely have to read this and discuss. Holy shit. That’s, yep. Okay! I mean, you and I both do have a great deal of affection for when romance is zany, and it is about time we had the sex training books come back, because that was like Robin Schone’s bread and butter, the books about training somebody to be good at sexytimes. In detail.

Amanda: Yeah. I’m happy to do like a little miniseries of –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – Amanda and Sarah read Kiss of the Basilisk. [Laughs]

Sarah: I once read an early erotic historical, and I will have to really dig my memory to find it. I’m sure when I describe it somebody’s going to be like, This is the name of the book, because my whole brain is a HaBO? But this woman is obsessed with this guy, and so she, she’s a virgin and she’s like a, of nobility or whatever, and she ends up with this other guy who’s like, I will teach you everything about being good at sex, because this guy likes to go to sex clubs, and if you really want to hold his interest you can’t just, like, not know what you’re doing. So they start having, you know, encyclopedia of sexytimes, and the idea is that he’s not going to enter her vaginally because then she’s not acceptable for marriage, so, like, if there’s a place to put his penis, that’s where they put it, in all of the places except that one. So, like, in –

Amanda: We call that, we call that the poophole loophole.

Sarah: [Laughs] I – perfectly good Sarah, and you just broke her. Oh my God. Poophole! You know, it’s really nice this episode does tales with poop. I think, I think we’ve come to the end of this recording session.

Amanda: We’ve bookended it!

Sarah: We’ve poop-ended it! Wow. Everyone’s going to love this one! Oh my God!

Amanda: …be the title! Poophole Loophole. Even though it has nothing to do – [laughs] –

Sarah: I already wrote down Rakeshame, but now I’m doing Poophole Loophole. Oh wow. Are any of these books books that you might want to read?

Amanda: I, I think my only curiosity was the, the high-tech businesswoman, ‘cause I really am curious about –

Sarah: How big is the hair? How big are the shoulder pads?

Amanda: …hair? I think, like, technology in contemporary novels is an interesting concept? Just like pop culture references I hate because I feel like it dates the book?

Sarah: Oh, immediately.

Amanda: I think tech is interesting because you can kind of see the progression of –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – technology through romance. So I think that’s really –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – what I’m curious about. Not for the actual story, but just for the, like, details of what high tech means in 1995.

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: What about you? Anything?

Sarah: Mmm.

Amanda: The Anita Blake? [Laughs]

Sarah: No. I probably read it, and it probably scared the poodle out of me, ‘cause that was when they were still creepy. I would probably want to try the Suzanne Enoch.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Her first book? Like, I would love to see how she started out and then sort of read one of the more recent and well-loved ones and be like, Yep. Because if somebody’s got really good character dialogue and can really create people that are interesting to read about, even if the plot is, like, loopholes you can drive a truck through? I’m still there, because I like listening to people talk in my head, which –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – sounds weird, but that’s what they do.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I also wonder – here’s a question: we have a lot of books right now that are specific fandoms. We have omegaverse romances; we have ReyLo romances; now we’ve got Dramione romances. Are those pop, are those pop culture references going to ossify those books in a very specific time period? Are, are they going to have a short shelf life because of the specificity of the fandom that they’re in, or is the fandom big enough and long enough that it doesn’t have the same problem as a pop culture reference?

Amanda: I think the fandom doesn’t matter, because we’ve talked about this before of, like, ten years from now, people picking up this book, are they going to know that it’s attached to –

Sarah: Yes, that’s true.

Amanda: – a specific…

Sarah: Yes, that’s a good point. That’s a good point.

Amanda: And sometimes, you know, like, the publicists do mention it in, like, the marketing copy?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: But I guarantee you that there are people who will pick up those books now that –

Sarah: And not know.

Amanda: – do not know its origins. Like, for, like, Ali Hazelwood, her first book, The Love Hypothesis, I didn’t know it was ReyLo? The only reason I eventually realized it was ReyLo is because the cover artist that they used is a popular ReyLo fan artist.

Sarah: Oh, that’s interesting!

Amanda: But if she probably didn’t use that artist, I would not have clued in that it was ReyLo.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: But when someone told me I’m like, Oh, that makes so much sense.

Sarah: That is a really good point. The – what is the word I’m looking for? The ship-pairing has a longer pop culture duration than the property itself, but then, because you’re writing derivative of a major work it doesn’t really matter long term. That’s interesting!

[outro]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. Thank you to Amanda. We will be back in two weeks looking at the ads and features, and let me tell you, there are some incredible features. There is a full multi-page article about John DeSalvo. You do not want to miss that.

As always, I end each episode with a terrible joke. This joke comes from Kim in our Discord, courtesy of Simon Majumda’s eat my globe.

What do you call an onion that can’t hold water?

Give up? What do you call an onion that can’t hold water?

A leek.

[Laughs] I hear you groaning from here!

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, and we’ll see you back here next week! And in the words of my favorite retired podcast Friendshipping, thank you for listening; you are welcome for talking.

[end of music]