Smart Podcast, Trashy Books, August 9, 2024

 

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Hello and welcome to episode number 627 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I am Sarah Wendell, and I’m here with Amanda, and we have a special guest for this month. Alison, also known as Fashionably Evil, won our Romancing the Vote auction to co-host this round of RT Rewind with us. Congratulations! Alison picked our issue: we’re going back to October 1999, and it’s just as weird as we’d hoped. And as part of the auction, we offered a mid-roll ad, which is, if you listen to a podcast it’ll break in the middle and there’ll be an ad? We don’t typically run mid-rolls, mostly because I never know where to insert them, and I don’t like them when they’re dynamically inserted and I’m in the middle of a wo- – and then there’s an ad; like, that just is very distracting. So I don’t usually have mid-rolls, buuut Alison chose to use her mid-roll to promote a website and nonprofit resource that we love and admire, so when you, when you hear us break for the ad, Alison has a site that she’d like to tell you about. And she also made us a spreadsheet. Y’all, Alison made us a spreadsheet! The way to my heart, and we have such a discussion of historical romance.

But I do want to give you some WARNINGS: there are many, many yikes and many, many bikes for those yikes. It’s October 1999. A small sampling of what we will encounter includes racism, human trafficking, mentions of stillbirth, ableism, and Islamophobia. Buckle. Up.

These will be really long episodes this month, too, ‘cause there’s three of us? So I hope you enjoy this journey back to 1999; some things we’re going to leave in 1999. But most of all, thank you, Alison, for making this a wonderful adventure.

Now, I have compliments for the people who enabled Alison to bid on this item in the auction. These compliments are for Liz and Megan.

To Liz: You are the kind of person who, whenever your friends think of you, they not only smile, but they get that nice, bubbly feeling inside like they’ve just laughed for seven straight minutes, because with you, they usually do.

And to Megan: When you are suggested to someone as a connection on social media, the immediate response is Hell, yes! Because you are the type of person who is delightful to know, and you make every day a little bit more fun – okay, a lot more fun.

Thank you, Liz and Megan for enabling Alison and encouraging her to bid on this item. We were so, so happy to record these episodes, and I hope you enjoy them!

And speaking of, hello, Patreon community! You are also making this podcast possible. Every pledge keeps me going, makes sure that every accessible – every accessible has an episode. You listening to me today? My God. – Every episode is accessible because of garlicknitter’s transcript, and she’s going to have to transcribe that mistake. [Laughs] Sorry, garlicknitter! I’m just going to leave that in there. [Keeping me on my toes – er, fingertips! – gk] Ooh boy, this’ll be fun. Thank you so much for your support, making sure that the show continues and that is accessible to everyone – now I can say it correctly. If you would like to join the Patreon community, if this show is enjoyable and you’d like to support what we do, it would be lovely to have you. We’ve got bonus episodes; we’ve got a truly wonderful Discord; you get the whole honking chonky PDF of each RT, which I don’t think RT is available online in many places? So hey, this is a wonderful historical resource, and let me tell you, this magazine just offers gifts aplenty. So if you would like to join, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches.

Like I said, these are long episodes, so let’s get started, shall we? We’re going to go to Bean Manor in October 1999 with Romantic Times, with me, Amanda, and Alison! On with the podcast.

[music]

Sarah: Welcome!

Fashionably Evil Alison: Thank you!

Sarah: Would you please introduce yourself so the people who will be listening know who all of us are. Everyone knows me, and that’s Amanda. Who are you? Welcome!

Alison: Hi! I’m Alison, better known as Smart Bitches commenter Fashionably Evil, which has been my online moniker since I was probably like seventeen. Yeah, and I saw the opportunity to be on the podcast on the Romancing the Vote, and I was like, I have to have this.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Alison: I must have this! [Laughs]

Sarah: You don’t know what this has done for me, because I wrote up the listing and I sent it in, and I was like, No one’s going to bid on this. This is like three hours of recording with two people you don’t know, and I was, What were you thinking? No one’s going to do this. And then, like, you won, and I was like, This is going to be the greatest day! So thank you for that!

Alison: Yes! No –

Amanda: Well, I mean –

Alison: – I was super excited.

Amanda: Yeah, when Sarah emailed Alison, we were like, Do we recognize this person? And thankfully Alison was like, Oh, it’s Fashionably Evil, and both Sarah and I were like, We know that name! It’s a person that we know! [Laughs]

Sarah: We were so excited it was you. Oh my gosh. The minute you shared your username, we were both like – [gasps] –

Alison: Real person! Real person!

Sarah: Person we know! Hell, yes!

So you have selected the October 1999 issue, which was a treat; thank you.

Alison: It was!

Sarah: What made you pick this issue? ‘Cause I shared the whole inventory with you; I was like, Whichever one you want! Pick it!

Alison: So I was either looking for specific authors, but I got into reading romance when I was in high school, and I was like, Let me find one from my early years, when I was reading, like, Judith McNaught – which I don’t really remember any of her books? – Catherine Coulter, and having long conversations with some friends of mine in art class about, like, what on earth was going on in these books? And why were we reading them –

Sarah: Cresting and –

Alison: – and who could say? But –

Sarah: – waves and – yeah.

Alison: Yeah, no, and I was like, Oh; I was like, 1999; I was in high school; this takes me back, so. And then bonus: Judith McNaught is, in fact, on the cover, though she’s not, like, the cover person.

Sarah: No. No, she’s not.

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: The cover person is Samantha James, and it’s a – we’re going to talk about the cover in the ads and features episode, but it’s a, it’s an interesting decision they’ve made with these covers.

Alison: It’s a little odd.

Sarah: It is a little odd.

Now, before we get started looking at the reviews, because you know the direct path to my heart, you have made a spreadsheet. Tell me about this spreadsheet. I’m going to, I’m going to make a copy of this and share it with everyone so we can see it. Tell me about this spreadsheet. What, what, what did, what magic did you do?

Alison: I was looking at all of the – they do a table summarizing all of the reviews, and I think they list them in alphabetical order by author or something like that, so you can see, like, who has been reviewed this month.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Alison: And I was looking at the first one, and I was, like, looking at the numbers, and I looked at the second one, and I was like, These don’t look as good as the other ones do. And I was like, Did they have a preference for one versus the other? And I was like, Mm, I’m just going to take ten minutes and put this into Excel and, like, you know, do some basic descriptive statistics, like you do. Sarah’s fanning herself. [Laughs]

Sarah: I’m fanning myself. This is so great! ‘Cause I don’t, I love all this? I don’t know how to do any of this, but I love all this.

Alison: Ah, yes. This was, yeah, a useful skill that I learned undergrad? Grad school? Who knows? At some point. Anyway, I was just curious to see what they preferred, and they preferred the, there was one that, like, they – I did, I did averages for Historical, Mainstream, Mystery, and Series, ‘cause there were only a few Inspirationals and Audios and Regencies.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Alison: But they definitely prefer the historicals to the mainstreams, and they mysteries come out on top.

Sarah: Yeah! So historicals had a 3.87 average, which totally matches what we’ve seen over, over all of the magazines that we look at. The range is usually three to four and a half.

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: Which is a very small –

Alison: Yep.

Sarah: – rubric and doesn’t really –

Alison: I know!

Sarah: – tell you anything.

Alison: And then I was looking at it, reading all of the two- and one-star reviews specifically, because I’m like, What’s different about them? And sometimes – and I have one selected – there is a reason for it, but other times you’re like, I don’t – mm –

Amanda: Well, even up at the top, they list a two-star rating as being like Good or like Acceptable.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: Not necessarily a negative descriptor.

Alison: It’s the, it’s the same grade inflation you see on all, you know, Über driver reviews – [laughs] – Yelp reviews –

Sarah: Yes.

Alison: – etc., right?

Sarah: Yes.

Alison: Like, the same grade inflation.

Sarah: And it’s odd because when they favor historicals so heavily, it makes it harder to actually figure out, like, Do I want to read this? And the whole point of this is for people to shop, and, and I have to remind myself every time we do this: these were most of the romances being published at this time. There were digital presses, but Romantic Times was including them as, as much as possible; this was what was published. We didn’t have a huge self-published; we didn’t have Kindle Unlimited. So these are all of the books, and in the issue that we have from Mari, you can see where she circled which ones she wants to read, which was, like, my favorite part, seeing the, seeing the little bits left behind by somebody who read it before me? These are all the books that are being published, and they still very heavily favor historical, which makes me wonder: historical is not as popular now. Is that because most of the online content is about other genres, and Romantic Times was really the last piece of media heavily focused on historical romance? I can’t prove it, but I’m wondering if that’s why.

Amanda: I was talking about this in the latest Hide Your Wallet, ‘cause I was like, Where are the historicals? And we had some really insightful comments.

Sarah: Yes, we did. This – and I’m really interested –

Amanda: One –

Sarah: – that I’m not the only one, like, going, What the hell happened?

Amanda: Yeah! And one person mentioned – I think it was Star; I want to be sure I credit this person correctly – but they were like, Historicals really rely heavily on historical detail, and there is a big section of historical romance readers that want their romances to be historically accurate for the time and place and not just a set dressing, and they compared it with this sort of rise of, like, romantasy, where you could kind of get that overt set dressing of, like, dresses and etiquette, and you can kind of form a historical environment –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – with that sort of, you know, fashion and clothing and stuff like that without needing –

Sarah: And social rules and boundaries, especially. Like, I’m royalty –

Amanda: Without –

Sarah: – you are magic –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – we don’t fuck. That kind of thing.

Amanda: Without needing to rely on actual historical detail that you have to adhere to…

Sarah: I, I think that’s a solid theory. What about you, Alison?

Alison: I actually think it also, the, yes, you check a lot of the same boxes, but also you don’t have the same baggage that you do for some of the historicals.

Sarah: So true.

Alison: When you read the reviews, right, like, there’s, the number of times I said Yikes while reading through this issue was significant.

Sarah: [Laughs] Oh, there’s a lot of yikes!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So much yikes!

Alison: Right? But, like, you don’t have to sort of like tolerate the fact that maybe you weren’t represented there or that if you had lived in that time period, things probably would have been pretty shitty for you? Like, I think it sort of gives it an extra layer of insulation from what the, what the historical reality could have been.

Sarah: Yeah, because the fantasy reality can incorporate things that might not have been present.

Alison: Exactly.

Sarah: So speaking of Historical, let’s get into it, shall we?

Alison: Yes.

Sarah: All right. Now, I, I’ll go first, ‘cause mine is a, a real easy selection. On PDF page 45, the book that I selected was a five-star, which is a rare thing; they don’t do that a lot. But it was, this, this just completely blew me away? Excuse me, PDF page 37; I’m looking at the wrong line. PDF page 37:

>> Judith McNaught’s five-star classic is back in print.

They gave five stars again to the paperback, or in print rerelease of Whitney, My Love, which was published ten years prior to this issue, so this is a 1989 book being reissued in 1999, and they gave it five stars, and Mari, who owned this magazine, totally circled it. Here’s the thing about this rerelease: this rerelease was rewritten and edited to make the hero less of an asshole. I will talk more about that when we get to the actual feature about Judith McNaught, but this is the rewrite that tones down the hero and adds a whole bunch of stuff to the ending because people thought it ended too abruptly, which I find hilarious.

Why – okay, I just need you to know that for some reason my phone decided that I needed to search for Judith McNaught, and my search results came up –

[Laughter]

Sarah: – and I’m like, Why is my watch buzzing with Judith McNaught news? What the – oh my God, is everything okay? Whoo, that was a weird moment. My adrenaline is going.

So the five-star review for this book, it – and it’s a ten-year-old book; I’m just kind of blown away that they’re like, it gets a special box; it gets a big banner. Oy.

>> First published a decade ago, Whitney, My Love remains a perennial favorite. The magic of the romance between Whitney and Clayton has never dimmed and is enhanced in this new, expanded version. The first big historical romance set in the Regency era –

Really?

>> – Whitney, My Love –

Amanda: Fact check?

Sarah: Yeah! Okay.

>> – Whitney, My Love captured readers’ attention. The intensely emotional writing tapped into readers’ fantasies, making them laugh, cry, and remember the joy and magic of falling in love.

This sounds like a movie trailer.

>> How do you make a great book better? By adding a longer, more fulfilling ending and strengthening the characters, delving deeper into their motivations. Now we have a hardcover edition of a classic novel that is as close to perfection as a romance can get.

Again, really?

>> Whitney Stone is, is a lovely, if somewhat wild, young woman intent on winning Paul Sevarin’s heart. Sent to France because of her outlandish behavior, Whitney turns into a stunning woman who longs to return home to see Paul. Her father, however, has bartered her away to the domineering, arrogant, and sensual –

Sensual!

>> – Duke of Claymore.

So Clayton, the Duke of Claymore.

Alison: Yes, I was just picking up on that too. [Laughs]

Sarah: Clayton, the Duke of Claymore. Got to have a little talk with his parents there.

>> No matter how hard she resists, she is drawn to the duke, and in the end she learns to fight for his love with courage and intelligence.

Which makes it sound like at the start she was a complete dumbass, which, accurate.

[Laughter]

Sarah: >> Few words do adequate justice to Whitney! Extraordinary, remarkable, triumphant, magical, joyous! None fully express my feelings on this enlarged and, yes, even more wonderful romance. Sensual!

Alison: Yeah.

Sarah: I just, I cannot believe the, the hyperbole, and it’s so funny that they’re just like, Yes, it’s expanded! But they don’t acknowledge how much of this was, was changed. Like, it’s really funny.

Amanda: And twenty bucks in 1999.

Sarah: Yeah. That’s a lot of dollars in 2024 dollars. [Laughs] That’s a lot!

Alison: That was how my friends and I separated out romance. It was like, Did it come out in hardcover, right?

Sarah: Yeah.

Alison: ‘Cause that was, that was, that was something a little bit different.

Sarah: Yeah.

Alison: Like, the ones that got hardcovers were distinctive.

Sarah: Yeah. And, and the other thing that was changing at this time was a lot of historical romance authors were starting to write romantic suspense? Like, Catherine Coulter did it; Judith McNaught went to contemporaries; Jude Deveraux started reading, started writing –

Amanda: Julie Garwood.

Sarah: Julie Garwood was a big one. And they were hardcover, the suspense books. I remember getting them from the library and thinking, My God, this is heavy and uncomfortable, and why would anyone want this? Bleah! Now hardcover’s where it’s at.

Okay. Alison, what’s your pick?

Alison: So my pick was Powderflash by Sally Odgers.

>> In 1831, Garnet Perry arrives in Australia’s Sydney Cove on a bride ship, her marriage already arranged. On the dock she meets Jeremiah Gold, who instantly proposes, urging her to abandon her fiancé. The kiss he steals makes her worry about more than her reputation. The sometimes crude, often unpleasant manners of the colonists prove consistent with this arrival. What’s more, Garnet’s fiancé wants to wed that day. Jeremiah Gold, born in Australia and given to its wild manners, can’t forget Garnet. Weeks later, her husband is selling her, so he buys her, marries her, although she’s already married, and takes her to his land. Garnet stays with him because she has no way to make a living.

>> Settled in 1788, Sydney was originally dominated by convicts and settlers from the fringes of British society. Sally Odgers captures their wild, rebellious manners and achieves a highly interesting setting. This novel is impressively well written and choice reading if you like a bit stronger touch of realism than of romance. Sensual.

Sarah: Sensual!

Alison: [Laughs]

Amanda: That’s a new turn. That took a wild turn.

Alison: It did! It did!

Sarah: If we have any Australian listeners, they are screaming right now.

[Laughter]

Alison: I, but the, yes! Weeks later, her husband is selling her, so he buys her, marries her, although she’s already married! I thought I had seen every trope in romance at this point, but I didn’t know you could buy somebody else’s wife! I just didn’t know!

Sarah: Well, this magazine is going to teach you so much.

Alison: Yes, it is.

Sarah: A lot of it’s going to be really fucked up, but it’s going to teach you some things!

Alison: [Laughs]

Sarah: Who is this guy like, I’m going to kiss you on the dock, and we’re going to get married? This is a perfect candidate, Amanda, for Am I the Asshole?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Hi, I just got off a ship and this guy made out with me on the dock and wants to get married right now? Is that bad? Yes, bad. Go! Run! [Laughs]

So what other book were you looking at?

Alison: Oh, there was a one-star review, which is on page –

Sarah: Very rare for the Historical. Like, they –

Alison: Yes.

Sarah: – love them some Historical, as you have quantified, and yeah, it’s kind of, kind of a surprising!

Alison: Yeah. Vigil House by Jane Toombs is the next one.

>> The day Tabitha weds Boris Gregory and moves into Vigil House, she learns of the family curse that brings madness, deception, and death to the home, killing children in every generation.

Sarah: Ay!

Alison: Uplifting content, this.

Sarah: Yeah.

Alison: >> Suffering from mental illness, Tabitha spirals into madness, believing the curse after her son is stillborn. With, with her cousin Alicia’s help, can she lift the curse and help free the Gregorys?

>> Following many conventional Gothic and saga plotlines, Jane Toombs creates a longwinded tale of an ancient curse ruining lives for years to come. Vigil House offers few surprises and far too much recycled material from ‘60s and ‘70s novels. Long-time readers may reminisce about those old Gothics, but new readers might find the repetition, slow pace, and hints of incest off-putting. Sweet.

Sarah: Hints of incest!? Oh dear God! [Laughs] Oh my Lord!

Amanda: A dash of incest.

Alison: [Laughs]

Sarah: All right, so let me just flag that as a possible subtitle for this episode. Hints of Incest.

Alison: Sweet.

Sarah: Sweet!

Alison: [Laughs]

Sarah: You guys ever see Dude, Where’s My Car?? What’s mine say? Sweet! What’s mine say? Dude! Dude, hints of incest.

Amanda: [Laughs] What’s my, yeah, what’s mine say? Hints of incest.

Sarah: Hints of –

Alison: Yes.

Sarah: Oh, hints of inc- – oh my dear God! Okay!

Alison: So do you kind of get to know the reviewers as you read these issues? Because I noticed that when I was reading her reviews in particular I was like, Oh, we just have very different taste. Like, there are some Smart Bitches commenters who I love and who are, like, super insightful? But I know we don’t overlap.

Sarah: Mm-hmm!

Alison: And so I don’t read their recommendations because –

Sarah: Oh yeah! As I’ve said many times, I have received email that says I love everything you hate; keep up the great work.

Alison: Mm-hmm!

Sarah: Which is fine, ’cause –

Alison: Definitely.

Sarah: – the minute I know where our tastes align, that’s the most powerful thing you can know about somebody if you’re looking for recommendations. Do your tastes line up? Is your line of good and your line of bad anywhere near each other? But the line of bad is the really important one?

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: Kathe Robin and I do not have the same tastes? Like, I used to have breakfast with her every now and again. I don’t even know if she’s still on this earth; I kind of hope she is and I can talk to her.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Katherine, I need to talk to you about this magazine! But, like, if she’s going off about this book, you know that it was quite an experience.

Amanda: We also have a saying in, like, the Smart Bitches Slack of, like, This book is not for Sarahs?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Yes, yes, we do! This is not for Sarahs. Yes, hints of incest are not for anybody, honest to God!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: You had flagged one more, Alison.

Alison: Oh, Courting Claire, page 42?

Sarah: Yeah. Set in 1897 Indiana. That’s the other thing: these historicals are set ev- – Reconstruction era Southwest.

Alison: They are all over the place.

Sarah: And then right next to it is a medieval! Sure! As you do!

Alison: Yeah. Well, and, you know, it’s funny, when I think historical I tend to think Regency, ‘cause that’s kind of the bulk of the ones that I have read, but these ones are –

Sarah: Certainly lately.

Alison: These are all over the place, yeah, in terms of their locations. So, Courting Claire by Linda O’Brien:

>> Claire Cavanaugh and Emily, her blind sister, are going home. Their father has just died, and the family home is to be sold. Claire has learned that her father spent all the money on their education and poor investments.

Nice juxtaposition.

>> Emily falls on the boat home and is saved by handsome owner Tyler McCane. What no one realizes is that Tyler is set to buy her home, in cahoots with the rich town bully Reginald Booth. When Tyler finds out, he’s still reluctant to forego his dream of owning property. With the help of friends, Claire and Tyler are repeatedly thrown together, Tyler playing the seducer and Claire thinking of marriage until she uncovers his true intentions. Tyler is so selfish at times that he annoyed this reader, though when Claire faces danger he begins to wake up to what is really important in his life.

>> Ms. O’Brien gives a thoughtful, although predictable read with Courting Claire. This reader feels Claire may have deserved better. Sensual.

Sarah: Sensual!

Amanda: Three stars?!

Alison: Three stars, right, but I –

Amanda: Three stars!

Alison: Yeah. I would definitely quibble with the three stars, but I liked this one because it was, like, compact and concise, and it tells you what you need to know as a reader, right? Like, to me this is –

Sarah: This is a review, yeah!

Alison: – it’s a good, informative review, right? Like, we’ve all read books like that where, like, you could have done a lot better, sweetie.

Sarah: That’s definitely a romance experience I’ve had, where I’m like, Okay, clearly this person is going to make this heroine happy, but I think he’s a complete bozo. But, you know, hey, many a person I know in my life is married or partnered up with a bozo, and you just kind of be like, Okay! Whatever makes you happy! Guy’s a bozo, but all right. This is, this is an actual review! I’m so excited!

Alison: Mm-hmm. I know, me too! That was why I picked it, and I was like, Is that exciting enough? I don’t know, but it was like, like I said, there was good information about whether or not you would want to read that book in the review.

Sarah: A hundred percent; you’re so right about that. Amanda? What about you?

Amanda: [Laughs] Is on page 38, both of the PDF and the magazine, and it’s Daring the Devil by Leslie LaFoy? And my comment is, What the fuck? This sounds baller!

[Laughter]

Amanda: And it’s set in 1835 Massachusetts. I’m a sucker for anything set in Massachusetts, ‘cause that’s where I’ve lived for the last decade? And the review is:

>> After creating a stir with her time travel romances, Leslie LaFoy presents a historical suspense that is a rare and very special tale, combining the chill of a thriller and the passion of a romance. Pickpocket Darcy O’Keefe survives through her skill and her ability to pick an easy mark, but she blunders when she targets handsome Aiden Terrell. Aiden’s looking for a guide to the underground world of thieves and lowlifes. When he catches Darcy stealing from him, he blackmails her into leading him around Charlestown in search of a madman who murders for pleasure.

I’ve been to Charlestown! How novel.

>> Darcy has –

Sarah: Was there a madman who murders for pleasure there while you were there? Are you looking for him? Sounds like a terrible tour!

Amanda: No. Lots of townies, the Freedom Trail goes through there, and there’s a big monument. That’s all I discovered in Charlestown. [Laughs]

Sarah: Terrible tour, searching for a madman who murders people. Like, oy! Just go for the ghost tour! They’re all dead!

Amanda: >> Darcy has no idea what kind of web she’s entangled within. Why is Aiden hunting the killer? How does she fit into his plans? Plunging deeper into danger as they get closer to catching the killer, they are thrust into a passionate relationship that can lead to salvation or death.

>> Merge Silence of the Lambs with a heated romance and you have some idea of Leslie LaFoy’s feat in Daring the Devil. It may not be for every reader, but fans of thrillers and psychological suspense will be more than satisfied. Leslie LaFoy breaks new ground as she casts a spell that won’t let you go. Sensual!

Sarah: Wow!

Amanda: But they mentioned Silence of the Lambs and a historical romance, and that –

Sarah: I think you need to read that.

Amanda: – seems great.

Sarah: I think you need to read that! I think that sounds pretty off the wall. I also have just, I have just clued into the fact that so many of these reviews are, are, in this issue are written with language that is intended to be a cover quote.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Casts a spell that won’t let you go. Settle into the embrace of this comfort read. Like, this is all language meant for cover quotes. I don’t know if that’s deliberate, but clearly that, I mean, the cover quote language matches, right?

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So you going to read this one?

Amanda: I might. I was looking – Goodreads gave it like a 3.5, 3.6, but there’s only a few reviews, and I’m tempted. I’m tempted to find a copy of this.

Sarah: Imagine that pitch today. Like, imagine, like, you know, Pitch Wars online: So I’m going to cross historical romance with Silence of the Lambs, and the whole internet kind of goes, What?

Amanda: I think that would still work. Like, I, even not just historical romance, I picked up a book that was like a YA retelling of Silence of the Lambs set in the ‘80s?

Sarah: Ooh!

Alison: A what now?

Amanda: And that book was – yeah, it’s called None Shall Sleep? And it’s, I think it’s set in the ‘80s, or maybe early ‘90s. But it’s like a, a Young Adult inspired Silence of the Lambs, and it was very good. It’s by Ellie Marney. Yeah, it’s set in 1982.

Sarah: 1982! Wow!

Amanda: It’s good.

Sarah: Well, I mean, nostalgia is a, is a heavy thing, and twenty years is the, the sweet spot, right?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Shall we move on to Inspirational?

Amanda: Yeah, I passed on this one.

Alison: If we must.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: This was a snooze fest for me.

Sarah: This was a big snooze. Alison, what was your pick here?

Alison: My pick was The Decision by Gayle Roper.

Sarah: I looked at this review. This review made me think about a bunch of things.

Alison: Yeah, it made me think a lot of things too.

Sarah: [Laughs] Not necessarily good things, but we had some thoughts.

Alison: No, but The Decision by Gayle Roper, four and a half stars Gold award? I’m not…

Sarah: [Sighs] Yeah. So you got four and a half stars, four and a half stars Top Pick –

Alison: Top Pick.

Sarah: – four and a half stars Top Pick Gold.

Alison: So this, they really liked this book.

Sarah: This is top of their very limited rubric, yeah.

Alison: Okay! The Decision by Gayle Roper:

>> Forgiveness is a gift, Rose says to the man she loves. You can’t earn it; it’s a gift, whether it’s mine to you or God’s to you.

Sarah: Mm.

Alison: >> Yet Rose Martin can’t forgive herself. A home care nurse and EMT, she funnels that guilt into her healthcare service, hoping that, to perhaps prevent a tragedy like the one which claimed the lives of her loved ones. Despite what his feisty friend claims, Amish Jake Zook is not convinced that God’s grace has no strings attached. He’s grown up believing that a person has to earn God’s favor. Recently paralyzed, Jake wrestles with his belief that he is only half of a man. He’s also afraid he can’t protect the woman he, he dares not love from the murderer stalking her.

Sarah: As you do.

Alison: >> Gayle Roper –

As you do!

>> Gayle Roper creates an engaging mystery filled with romance and tender spirituality, but The Decision also packs a powerful punch as her endearing characters come to terms with love and reconciliation. Set in Lancaster County, the author’s attention to detail shines in her portrayal of the Plain people. The Decision is one of the best novels I’ve reviewed to date.

Sarah: Okay, but, like, why was it one of the best reviewed novels? Do we know?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: We do not.

Alison: I don’t know.

Sarah: We do not.

Alison: We have, the, the plot zigs and zags, and he’s paralyzed; there’s a murderer stalking her.

Sarah: She’s got guilt. She’s a healthcare –

Alison: She’s –

Sarah: – professional.

Alison: Yeah. Unclear what happened to her loved ones.

Sarah: I am sure that the, the handling of paralysis and disability is going to hold up not at all – [laughs] – from, from an Amish romance from 1999. I think we can just leave that one in 1999.

Some of them, it’s fun to look at the covers, but we’re just going to leave the books there. We’re just –

Alison: Correct.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – we’re just going to let them be in that time period and be like, Ooh, yeah, that was, that was a time.

Alison: Yeah.

Sarah: My choice was on PDF page 73. Hope (Brides of the West) by Lori Copeland. It’s got three stars. KIDNAPPED! With an exclamation point: that’s the first word.

>> That was the last thing Hope Kallahan expected when she set out from her aunt’s home in Michigan for Kentucky in 1872 to meet her intended.

Well, I mean, who, who doesn’t – why, why are you not prepared to be kidnapped? I mean, this is a book! This is a historical! This is a romance! What, what you think, you have to be prepared for stalkers and a kidnapping and possibly an evil twin? Like, get with the program here! Anyway.

>> She’d planned to be the perfect mail-order bride, John Jacob’s dream come true.

Now, I just read that, and you know what was stuck in my head for the rest of the day.

Alison: Yeah.

Sarah: Okay, so –

Amanda: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, yeah!

Sarah: Yes, of course! So John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is, his dream is coming true!

>> Instead, she ends up in the hands of a bumbling gang of bandits who have mistaken her for the daughter of a famous senator.

Girlfriend, if you knew you looked like the daughter of a famous senator, you really should have been prepared for the kidnapping.

>> Luckily –

Okay, this is the best name in the whole magazine:

>> – gang member Grunt Lawson –

Grunt. Grunt!

Amanda: Awful.

Sarah: Amazing!

>> Gang member –

Amanda: Terrible name.

Sarah: >> – Grunt Lawson is actually Dan Sullivan, an undercover agent for the US government!

[Laughs]

Amanda: So he picked that name himself.

Alison: [Laughs]

Sarah: [Still laughing] Or like a whole, whole team of people, like, came up and – I’m cry-laughing now – whole team of people were like, What’s his, what’s his, what’s his alias going to be? Grunt. This guy’s name is Grunt. Do you think that’s his noise?

Amanda: I bet that he was, like, salivating, waiting to use that name. He had it in his back pocket, and he’s like, I cannot wait to be an undercover cop so I can finally use my treasured alias that I’ve been saving forever.

Sarah: Is this like your brother –

Alison: You know –

Sarah: – and Spike?

Amanda: Just like my brother naming everything Spike, yep. That’s exactly what I thought of.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Alison: Do y’all ever watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine? It reminds me of, like, Jake Peralta and his aliases in Brooklyn Nine-Nine –

Sarah: This is totally –

Alison: – how excited he is for that.

Sarah: – a Jake Peralta alias! [Laughs] Grunt! Anyway.

>> He’s immediately taken with the feisty and slightly arrogant Miss Kallahan, who he realizes is not the senator’s daughter. As the gang bumbles its way to extortion –

[Laughs]

>> – Dan and Hope escape! But as they become closer, Hope is thrown into a quandary: she’s falling in love with the handsome lawman! Then the couple lands in the middle of a family feud with the Davidson gang still in hot pursuit.

>> Although the supporting characters are quirky, they’re a bit too foolish to be believed, and this reviewer wished for more depth and a little less moralizing. Still, the third book in the Brides of the West series is an entertaining read, and Lori Copeland includes a good spiritual takeaway. Three stars.

Amanda: But also, less moralizing? Ma’am, you’re reading a historical inspirational.

Sarah: Yeah! We, we expect a high Jesus-by-volume!

Amanda: Yes!

Alison: Also, I have, I have a serious question. She’s falling in love with a man whose name she believes is Grunt.

Sarah: Yeah!

Alison: [Laughs]

Amanda: That’s an automatic no.

Sarah: I, I have so many ideas of what to do with the name Grunt. Like, I just, it’s just – we don’t have any good hats –

Amanda: I have one idea, and that’s throw it in the trash, Sarah.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: That’s where that name belongs.

Alison: [Laughs]

Sarah: We don’t have any good hats, but we’ve got a great name in this one; I was real excited.

Alison: Title of your sex tape.

Sarah: That’s right! Bump-chhh.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Now, our next section is audiobook reviews, which I don’t think we’ve ever encountered in the magazine before; a whole section of audiobooks.

Amanda: No, but there is a review I want to talk about here.

Sarah: Yes, and I want to specifically mention the runtimes of these audiobooks. Here are the runtimes for the books that are mentioned: three hours, three hours, nine hours, three hours, and that’s all of them. So some of these are clearly abridged, because there’s no way to take some of these big ol’ honking paperbacks and put them in three hours. Unless the person who’s doing the audiobook is that guy who used to be the speed talker, did the Micro Machines.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Or the person who reads the disclaimers at the end of a pharmaceutical ad? That’s who’s reading your audiobook.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So what did you want to call out here?

Amanda: The, I want to call out the review for An Independent Wife by Linda Howard, which is a –

Sarah: Oh, Linda Howard!

Amanda: – contemporary romance.

Sarah: Linda Howard is not for me, and I love it so much!

Amanda: Yeah. Not for me either, based on this one review. [Laughs]

>> Sally Jerome is living the life of her dreams. In the seven years since she was suddenly deserted by her famous TV journalist husband –

Do, do we think it’s [Ree] or [Rye]?

Sarah: R-H-Y – all right, I’m going to say if you add an S –

Amanda and Sarah: – it’s Rhys.

Sarah: So maybe this is [Ree].

Amanda: Okay.

>> – Rhy Baines, she has –

Sarah: He’s friends with Grunt.

Amanda: [Laughs] Ugh.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> – she has totally reinvented herself and settled into a successful career as a new, as a news mag-, news reporter for a major national magazine. Life just couldn’t be better! Until Rhy buys the magazine. She tries to avoid him and keep her job, but when he recognizes her, the pressure is on. He wants her not as a journalist but as a stay-at-home wife, and he’s willing to exert any pressure, any power to get his way. Although still physically attracted to him, Sally has other ideas.

>> An excellent reader can make a nondescript story entertaining, so I’m suspicious of books on tape. Even as I enjoy them, I’m acutely aware of the unusual difficulty of responsibly evaluating them as printed matter. And Paula Parker is a superb reader –

Which I’m assuming is the narrator, ‘cause they don’t mention the narrator anywhere else in the book info.

>> – but once the pressure is on and Sally is slowly pushed to her limits, the listener is swept into a world of adventure as Rhy is forced to take Sally along on the biggest story of the year. Be careful if you’re driving while listening; you may arrive at your destination and wonder how you got there.

And my response to that last statement is, Because you blacked out into a fit of rage over how shitty of a person Rhy is.

Sarah: He wants her to be a stay-at-home wife, and he’s going to pressure her into doing it.

Alison: Oh, and now he’s her boss.

Sarah: And he owns her job.

Amanda: Yeah.

Alison: Yeah!

Amanda: And he deserted her seven years ago!

Sarah: Your, your comment in our document is entirely right.

Amanda: Throw him away; throw the whole man away. He’s gone.

Sarah: Whole Man Disposal Service, we have a pickup.

Amanda: But I did like how the reviewer sort of like veered a little into her own thoughts about reviewing an audiobook? And maybe that’s why we haven’t seen them in future ones, because maybe the reviewers didn’t enjoy reading them or didn’t know how to review them?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: And perhaps it wasn’t as popular as a review section.

Sarah: I don’t know! I mean, it’s actually, it’s, it is hard to review an audiobook, because are you going to review the story? Are you going to review the performance? How much do you give to both? And then we’re operating inside a very limited word count because this is for print.

I also do like the, the review for Jane Doe at the end. It says,

>> This cliffhanger story is full of surprises and should keep you glued to the tape deck.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Wow! He’s going to pressure her, buy her job, and – this, again, Am I the Asshole? My estranged husband left seven years ago, has come back, bought my business, and is threatening to make me a, a stay-at-home wife. Should I divorce him? Yes! Yes, you should. Run!

Amanda: Yeah. Get out of there.

Sarah: Run! For the love of God!

Amanda: Get a restraining order!

Sarah: Yeah! Whoof!

Alison: Also, he has to take her along on the biggest story of the year when she’s already a successful journalist in her own right?

Sarah: Yeah! Like, oh, he has to.

Amanda: Yeah.

Alison: He has to. [Sighs]

Sarah: All right.

[music]

Sarah: So for our mid-roll we’ve decided to ask you about a cause or an issue that is important to you and to give you as much time as you would like to tell people about this issue or cause and why it’s important.

Alison: All right. So the organization that I picked to mention here is called Scarleteen? And Scarleteen has been around since, yeah, for many years. It goes back to the early days of the internet, basically. And they provide high-quality, thoughtful and inclusive sex ed on a shoestring budget. Their content is primarily aimed at teenagers and young adults, but they have kind and helpful content no matter your age, gender, sexuality, or relationship status. And I find them charming and helpful and a great resource for the young people in my life!

Sarah: That’s wonderful! And they are a nonprofit, am I right?

Alison: Yeah, they are. They do things like, like I said, very much on a shoestring budget, and so, but they work, they put, they have, like, articles which, I recently clicked on their Show Me Something Random, and there was a whole article about penises, and it was just, like, so kind and thoughtfully written in terms of like, you know, sort of addressing the Does size matter? And, like, What does it mean to be a good partner? Right? And, like, you know, how much or how little of that, like, your penis really has to do with any of it?

Sarah: A very important question, especially in romance.

Alison: It is a very important question, especially in romance. I real-, yeah, I really like the way that it sort of gives people, like, the context and the tools to think about their bodies, and to do it in a kind and empathetic way, because so much stuff is like, in media is, like, mean about bodies –

Sarah: Yeah.

Alison: – and mean about difference, and places that offer kindness and support for that are always welcome in my book.

Sarah: That is fantastic. Thank you for mentioning Scarleteen. They have been in operation since 1998 –

Alison: Yeah!

Sarah: – which is amazing, which is one year prior to the magazine we’re looking at this month.

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: They are also wholly independent. They don’t receive any state or federal funding; they have no institutional funding; which means that they are both nimble and independent, but also in danger from a lot of current legislation, because they can be shut down for prur-, for offering queer sex ed, or just sex ed. So thank you for bringing this to our attention and promoting Scarleteen. I think it’s a really generous use of your time, so thank you!

Alison: Thank you!

[music]

Sarah: So we move into Mainstream, which again has that weird-ass category key with Contemporary and Contemporary Romance and Contemporary Suspense and Futuristic, Ghost, Paranormal, Romantic Mystery, Romantic – it’s all – [sputters] – and if we’re tagging ourselves, I’m still Ghost, just for the record.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: First of all, they gave Debbie Macomber one star? For –

Amanda: I saw that.

Sarah: – Promise, Texas?

Amanda: I was like, Wow!

Sarah: They gave her one star? Yowch! Also, I will point out that there is a special separate section – again, this is 1999 – for Kensington’s Encanto line, and all of the reviews in that section have Spanish in italics, and then immediately translated back into English as they review these books, and it’s just like, Wow. Wow! Why? Why are they separate? What are you doing? What the, mm, yeah…

Alison: Well, but you, there’s also the Contemporary Romance (Multicultural), parenthetical? And I wasn’t sure what that meant.

Sarah: Oh, Black people.

Alison: Oh, okay.

Amanda: Black, yeah, Black romance.

Sarah: Black romance.

Alison: Okay. Multicultural.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Multicultural, yes.

So the book that I picked in this section was The Reef by Nora Roberts, which I always think it’s fun to look at Nora Roberts reviews as they’re released because she has a lot of very similar hallmarks to her contemporaries, but they get more and more suspenseful as they go on? So The Reef got four and a half stars Top Pick – but it’s not a Top Pick Gold. This is the paperback release, so it sounds like this was already released in hardcover. I’m not sure if this is a reprint of an earlier review or if they’re reviewing it again? Like, it’s not clear.

>> Twenty-five-year-old treasure hunter/diver Matthew Lassiter has always known the millionaire treasure hunter Silas Van Dyke murdered his father! But neither he nor his uncle Buck –

[Laughs]

>> – has ever been to, been able to prove it! Over the years –

Amanda: Uncle Buck came out before this, so why did she do that?

Sarah: Really?! [Laughs]

Amanda: Uncle Buck came out in 1989.

Alison: Yeah, ’89.

Sarah: All right, so any time I say Buck, we’re going to picture John Candy, right?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Obviously.

>> Over the years, Matthew and Uncle Buck have tried to keep alive Matthew’s father’s dream of finding the legendary amulet known as Angelique’s Curse. Then they hook up with amateur treasure hunters Ray and Marla Beaumont and their daughter Tate. This small band of partners/friends are overjoyed when they recover the treasure from a wrecked ship. It looks like they’ll all be richer than their wildest imaginings, but tragedy and treachery destroy their dreams. First, Uncle Buck loses his leg in a shark attack.

I hate that.

>> When the team is coping with, while the team is coping with this emergency the treasure is stolen by the evil Van Dyke! Broke and disheartened, the partnership is dissolved, as well as the burgeoning love between Tate and Matthew. Eight years later, marine archaeologist Tate suddenly gets word from her father that he and May finally found the clues that will lead them to Angelique’s Curse. Tate is none too happy to discover that her father has already enlisted Matthew and Uncle Buck’s help in the hunt. In deciding to proceed with their quest, they all know that it will result in a potentially deadly showdown with Silas Van Dyke. They can only hope the outcome will be different this time.

>> Relationships are the key to this exciting and exotic adventure tale. Ms. Roberts uses all her consummate skill as a storyteller to make you root and care deeply for this small band of adventurers, marvelous as always.

The thing about the, the Nora Roberts books, especially at this period of time, is that she went deep-dive re-, re-, research into cool-ass jobs. Like, you had glassblowers and marine biologists and people who recover treasure, and, like, you’re going to, you got, you got cool jobs; there’s always a cool job. But I’m really curious to read this and be like, Which one of the Nora Roberts prototype heroes are in this book? ‘Cause she’s got like five prototype heroes, and she mixes and matches, I think.

All right, what was your pick, Alison?

Alison: This may or may not be one for broadcast, I’ll just say. It is the, because it is a complete and total yikes on bikes.

Sarah: All right, brace yourselves, everybody.

Alison: Basically.

Sarah: Hold on your butts.

Alison: A Veiled Journey by Nell Brien, page 82.

Sarah: Yep.

Alison: A Veiled Journey by Nell Brien, four stars.

>> Liz Ryan has grown up in a loving and supportive home where she knew she was loved. She attains her dream of being a surgeon. One night, a chance meeting with an Arabian prince changes all that. Immediately attracted to the beautiful doctor, Prince Abdullah is willing to pull whatever strings were necessary, even if that means pulling her away from her home. Through a friend of the family, the prince serves up a hornet’s nest as Liz discovers the truth of her birth: the daughter of a thirteen-year-old Saudi Arabian concubine –

Sarah: Gah!

Alison: >> – Liz’s mother gave her up to save her life.

Sarah: Ee!

Alison: >> Now Liz feels drawn to the country of her birth, longing to find the mother she never knew. What Liz finds on her journey is a country with laws she cannot begin to understand. She also discovers a burden to help these women and children in any way she can. In the midst of all this, the prince’s attentions increase, and Liz finds herself drawn to the man while hating the way of life. Could it be possible to get the man to choose to see things through her eyes?

>> With amazing details, Ms. Brien gives readers a look at a world we cannot even imagine. Her story will draw you in as you see the difficult life in a land clinging to centuries-old tradition.

So many yikes.

Amanda: Oh no!

Sarah: All of us right now –

Alison: So many yikes.

Sarah: You know the little emoji with the gritted teeth? All of us look like that right now. Like, all of us are like, Oof! Okay. So I think –

Amanda: Oh no.

Sarah: – we need a new rating? Like, we’ve got four stars, four and a half stars, Top Pick, Top Pick Gold. I think we need a number of bikes. How many yikes on bikes is this?

Alison: [Laughs]

Sarah: I think this is a five yikes on bikes. This is top of the line Oh dear God. Gah! Ooh! Yee!

Amanda: Oh no.

Sarah: Like –

Alison: Yep.

Sarah: – you know how, you know how there’s a cringe and, like, you feel it in, in, like, your whole back? Like, your entire –

Alison: Yeah, you want to just, like –

Sarah: Yes! Like, you just want to remove your skin and hide for a little while?

Alison: [Laughs]

Sarah: Oh God, yeah, the cringe. Whoo! The Cringe is with us. Dear Lord, that was a journey. Let’s leave that in 1999 as well! [Laughs] Oh my God! Whoo!

Alison: Four stars!

Sarah: Four stars.

Amanda: Four. Four stars. Wow.

Sarah: Dear Lord.

Amanda: So I picked a ghost romance. It’s on page 83 of the PDF and 87 of the magazine, called Spirit of Love by Rachel Wilson. This only got two stars, and I’ll admit I found the review pretty hard to follow with all the missing pieces? Or with all the, like, moving parts of the different characters and yada-yada-yada. So the review is:

>> Georgina Witherspoon enthusiastically travels from New York to the New Mexico territory to help care for her elderly grandmother Maybelle. It seems that Maybelle has been seeing ghosts, one in particular: Devlin O’Rourke. Georgina’s arrival is punctuated by a bank robbery, stopped by Sheriff Ash Barrett while he’s escorting Georgina to the ranch.

Sarah: As you do.

Amanda: >> After his –

Yeah. [Laughs]

>> After his wife –

Alison: A bank robbery on the way to the ranch, got it.

Sarah: Just out for a quick bank robbery-foiling. We’ll just take a quick break. Meanwhile, that other girl left the house not prepared for a kidnapping. Did she not know she was in a romance? What the hell?

Amanda: >> After his wife’s betrayal, Ash is wary of women, especially beautiful women like Georgina, but meeting her stirs feelings in him he thought, that he thought were long buried.

That’s Sarah’s favorite trope of, like, how dare she give me a feeling?

Sarah: How dare?

Amanda: >> Georgina discovers her grandmother is a sour old woman –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> – while her Aunt Venice is wonderful, teaching her what she needs to know to survive in the harsh territory, but not how to handle the ghost of Devlin O’Rourke.

[Laughter]

Amanda: >> Devlin appears to Georgina and explain that he cannot cross over until Maybelle forgives him for never telling her he loved her. He continues to haunt the family until she believes him. Complicating the budding romance between Ash and Georgina is the arrival of Georgina’s fiancé and her grandmother’s words of warning to never trust a man who won’t say I love you. Heeding her grandmother, more ghostly intervention is required to bring Ash and Georgina together.

>> Although there is never any doubt that Ash and Georgina will find happiness or that Devlin will find peace, this charming tale will entertain you for a solid evening, despite its predictable plot.

Alison: [Laughs]

Sarah: All right. So I have just, I just want to share before we embark upon an Amanda rant –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – in the document, I have just pasted the original cover for this book –

Amanda: Ooh.

Sarah: – and it is so terrible. It’s so bad!

[Laughter]

Sarah: Alison, do you want to describe this incredible piece of art?

Alison: There is – I don’t even know what I would say! There is a man sort of turned to the side with his hand on his hip, wearing a, you know, traditional sort of leather vest with the, the silver sheriff’s star. There’s a – I don’t know, he kind of looks like, I think it’s supposed to be a, you know, like an Old Western town, but it kind of looks like he’s been plopped on the beach, the sun is so bright behind him.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Alison: And we have Spirit of Love in red italics at the bottom.

Amanda: This makes me wonder how old Maybelle is.

Alison: So Maybelle, to me, is Queen Latifah in Hairspray, and so every time I see, I hear Maybelle, I’m like, Oh, it’s Queen Latifah!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Alison: But no, it is not. But the –

Sarah: Would be an improvement.

Alison: Yeah. There’s a lot going on in this story.

Amanda: Yeah, but if, like, Maybelle was alive when Devlin was alive, because obviously he’s like, I never told her I loved her, and I’m sad about it, but they were pla-, the cover’s placing him in this Old West town, how old is Maybelle supposed to be?

Alison: I think that’s supposed to be Ash on the cover.

Sarah: Mm, except that he’s –

Amanda: Ohhh!

Sarah: – fading away! He has no –

Amanda: A sheriff!

Sarah: Notice he has no legs! Like, if he’s faded out from the knees down.

Alison: See, I thought this was just like bad early kind of Photoshop type stuff.

Sarah: I mean, it clearly is.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: The only thing that’s – there’s like a little hanging platform behind him and some wagon wheels; that’s how you know it’s the Old West.

Alison: Well, that was…

Amanda: Yeah.

Alison: The, the legs is what made me think it was the beach, that he was sort of like in water –

Sarah: Yeah!

Alison: – up to like –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Alison: – about his knees.

Sarah: Yeah! Or maybe, is that the ghost, or is that Ash? Like, are they, is, is Devlin reincarnated as Ash? That’ll be a whole thing.

Alison: Well, but Ash is a sheriff, and he’s got the silver star, so you know he’s a sheriff.

Sarah: That’s right. That’s true!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: But he looks Old West.

Amanda: Well, we don’t know Devlin’s deal. Was he a sheriff? Who knows?

Sarah: Oh my God, you guys! Look, over his wrist, his back wrist, that’s the butt of a gun, and the gun is pointed right at his dick. He has tucked –

Alison: [Laughs] Yes, it is!

Sarah: He has tucked that gun down into his pants, handle side out –

Alison: That’s not gun safety.

Sarah: – so you could just reach over, fire the gun, blow his dick off –

[Laughter]

Amanda: ‘Cause you, you know, you know he doesn’t have that fucking safety on.

Sarah: No! That’s fully loaded. [Laughs] Oh my God!

So what is your rant, Amanda?

Amanda: Yeah! So this is the rant that I think people go back and forth on as romance readers. So she docks it for having a predictable plot –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – right? But people get very upset when romance doesn’t have a Happily Ever After, because that is what a romance is supposed to give you.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: The, the comfort of predictability.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: So I think my note was, in my head was like, Ma’am, what genre do you think you’re reading here? And I think like a bigger question too would be, What makes an unconventional romance? But it’s still a romance.

Sarah: Mmm!

Amanda: Like, how do you make an unpredictable romance? What, what is that?

Sarah: And why, this, the, the flaw here is that the reviewer doesn’t fully explain what the, what the predictable parts of the plot are. Like, what was predictable about it?

Amanda: Yeah! I mean, she mentions that there’s going to be an HEA, and the ghost is going to find peace. Is that why it’s predictable? Like, we, we knew that was probably going to be the case going in.

Sarah: Right! I mean, that’s part of the purpose of a ghost romance is you’ve got to resolve the ghost problems, whatever the ghost problems are.

Amanda: Does, does Ash need to shoot his dick off for it to be –

Sarah: Clearly.

Amanda: – unpredictable?

Sarah: He needs Uncle Buck to shoot his dick off, that’s what, that’s what –

The next section is another new section for everybody: Mainstream E-Book reviews – capital E dash capital B; it’s in the era that we’re in – and all of these are organized by publisher. My favorite is that each heading under publisher, so it’ll be like Hard Shell Word Factory, Awestruck E-Books, five dollar disk, three-fifty DL for download, so you’re either buying a disk or getting a download.

Amanda: The future is now!

Sarah: The future is now!

All right, Amanda, what –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – did ya pick?

Amanda: What a good segue from my rant to this one, because I also have a question about this. So it’s on page 91 of the magazine, 87 of the PDF, and it’s for Once Upon a Secret by Catherine Andorka, which got four stars.

>> This genre is filled with tales of cowboys and love gone wrong. It’s nice to see an author have the courage to write a non-, non-stereotypical romance –

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: >> – as does Catherine Andorka with Once Upon a Secret.

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: >> Chiropractor Tori Glenn has her hands full running a practice and raising her teenage brother Kevin. It is through Kevin that Tori meets rock star Brad Daniels –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> – who she treats for a hand injury. Although Brad wants her, Tori’s focused on getting Kevin the education her parents wanted for him. Furthermore, Brad has a secret that affects other people’s lives when Kevin drops out of high school to follow in his footsteps. It’s up to Brad to convince not only Kevin but Tori of his belief in education and love. Thanks to Miss Andorka for a new breed of romance. Readers note: the love scene is a definite winner.

I don’t understand what is non-stereotypical or new about it necessarily?

Sarah: Is it the fact that she’s a chiropractor? Is that what it is? Like, what’s, what’s the –

Amanda: [Laughs] Crazy, right? Chiropractor!

Alison: I didn’t know chiropractors treated hand injuries.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: That is already a significant concern, to say nothing of the part where it’s a new breed of romance novel, we’re not, a non-stereotypical romance novel, but everything in here follows all the standard beats. Is it, is it that the true love is not just of love but of education?

Amanda: Well, the, the review starts with a genre, this genre is filled with tales of cowboys and love gone wrong. I feel like maybe she is making a blanket statement that romance is mostly cowboy romances? In which –

Sarah: I mean, Westerns were popular, but –

Amanda: But look at this magazine! [Laughs] Look at the magazine you’re writing for! But four stars.

Sarah: Four stars! Okay.

Alison, what was your pick in this section?

Alison: My pick in this section was – shoo – I believe it was Falling Star by Karen Wiesner. See, this is, again, like, me getting tripped up by the What Is Happening Here with the –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Alison: – review. First off is the sizzling, sensually sizzling Falling Star by Karen Wiesner.

>> Rori is a stripper who longs to return to classical dance, but her job at Babydolls pays the bills. There’s no running home to daddy for the high school bad girl. Her next-door neighbor Nathan Jovanovich has been in love with Rori since high school, but felt his attractant undermined, felt his attraction undermined his call to the ministry.

Sarah: Oh boy.

Alison: >> Now, eleven years later, Nathan, Nate’s a pastor and a widowed father with a reputation to consider. Though spicy, Falling Star is tastefully written and the Christianity real. The characters’ struggle offer hope to those of us who stumble along the path on life’s journey. Karen Wiesner’s new book is an electronic gem.

Sarah: I’m sorry, what?

Alison: Electronic gem!

Sarah: Okay!

Amanda: Like an E-Book!…

Alison: Because it’s an E-Book, Sarah!

Sarah: Ohhh! Okay.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: The Christianity is real?

Alison: I know. I thought, I had hope for this.

Amanda: So real.

Alison: And then I was like, Oh no, it’s one of those.

Sarah: Is the whole tension that he’s a priest and a, and a widower and – or, excuse me, a pastor and a widower and has a reputation to consider? Is, is the thing here –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – that he –

Amanda: That’s my guess.

Sarah: – has to worry about his reputation? Like –

Alison: Yeah, she’s not good enough for him.

Sarah: She’s not good enough. Well, she works at Babydolls!

Alison: She has to be redeemed.

Sarah: Okay.

Alison: It’s one of those.

Amanda: Also, how gross of a strip club to be called Babydolls? But that’s just me.

Sarah: Yeah.

Alison: This was the era of babydoll dresses.

Sarah: Oh God, you’re right, and those big, black, chunky shoes and the knee socks?

Alison: Mm-hmm!

Sarah: This was a hell, this was –

Alison: This was the Doc Martens era.

Sarah: – core Delia’s catalog aesthetic: babydoll dresses and, yeah. And I could never wear those –

Alison: Maybe you’re a little bit younger than – ‘cause I’m forty-two. You’re a little bit younger, right?

Sarah: I’m –

Amanda: I’m thirty, thirty-five.

Sarah: I’m forty-nine. Yeah.

Alison: Yeah.

Sarah: And babydoll dresses is I am too ample in the bosom, would never work because they would just sort of hang off the front of me, and because of the difference –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – in the projection of my chest, I would lose like four inches of the dress – [laughs] – and I was already, it was a blouse! It was no longer a dress! Forget it!

Alison: It was, I was never, Delia’s was never my place to shop, but the babydoll dress was –

Sarah: This is –

Amanda: I always loved Delia’s catalog, but we could never afford anything in it, so – [laughs]

Sarah: De- –

Alison: The problem I think I had with the Delia’s catalog is that it, like, went up to size four? Like, I just, I remember that, like, you couldn’t, it, they, the sizing was odd in my recollection.

Amanda: Pretty restrictive.

Sarah: Mystery, Suspense, and Thriller was a beefy section. Shall we move into that one?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: All right. Amanda, what was your pick?

Amanda: So I picked a real goofy one, and –

Sarah: Awesome!

Amanda: – as soon as I read this review, Sarah’s going to know exactly why I picked it? So it’s on page 95 of the PDF, and it’s called Deathday Party, three stars.

>> Featherbrained Hilary Scarborough –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> – is hired by psychic Cassandra Bean to cater a “birthday party” –

Which is in quotes.

>> – for Cassandra’s late cousin, America Elizabeth.

Alison: [Laughs]

Sarah: Wow!

Amanda: >> Hilary –

It gets better, everyone!

>> Hilary and her levelheaded employee Jane Ferguson travel in a storm to the Bean Manor to plan the event. At the Bean residence –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: >> – they find that Cassandra has died, ostensibly of a heart attack. Lotus Bean –

[Laughter continues throughout]

Amanda: >> – insists the birthday party for the long-dead America should take place anyway. Jane wants to escape from what appears to be a nuthouse, but Hilary will not turn down a dollar and accepts the job. The only bridge home has been washed out, so the two are forced to take shelter at Bean Manor. Things go from bad to worse: the storm knocks out the phone line. Cassandra’s corpse disappears! Another Bean dies rather mysteriously. When phone service is restored, Jane learns that her erstwhile boyfriend, Police Officer Beau Jackson, that a convict has escaped from the state prison and is believed to be near the Bean home! Jane must use her wits to discover who is behind all the mysterious events.

>> Using the famous plot device of “no way in or out of the manor,” Paula Carter creates an extremely funny novel, reminiscent of the great screwball comedies of the ‘30s. Although more interaction between Beau and Jane would have been appreciated, this is still a fine way to discover the joys of humorous mysteries.

Sarah: [Laughs] Amanda?

Alison: [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: I think the Beans were jeopardized.

[Laughter]

Amanda: You can’t jeopardize the Bean! But wow.

Sarah: Bean Manor!

Amanda: Bean Manor, Lotus Bean?

Alison: Lotus Bean: I thought the winner of best name in this episode was Grunt, but it might be Lotus Bean.

Sarah: I – I –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Alison: You’ve got some competition, Sarah!

Sarah: I think Grunt might be in second place!

[Laughter]

Sarah: To say nothing of America Elizabeth! How come she doesn’t have a Bean name?

Alison: It’s, is, is America Elizabeth a name like Mary Jane, where you say it together?

Sarah: That’s a lot of –

Amanda: Maybe it’s America Elizabeth Bean!

Sarah: That’s a lot of syllables!

Amanda: But America Elizabeth is the cousin, so it’s possible that, like –

Sarah: Maybe she’s not a proper Bean.

Amanda: Yeah – an aunt got married and do-, they don’t have the Bean name anymore.

Sarah: Do you think all the Beans in this family are named after actual beans, like lotus bean, mung bean, pinto bean?

Amanda: Is lo-, is lotus bean an actual bean?

Sarah: I think it is, although I could be wrong.

Amanda: This is the part of the show where we start googling things.

Alison: [Laughs] I just like that her boyfriend’s name is Beau Jackson.

Amanda: Beau Jackson.

Sarah: What are lotus beans? Seed of a plant in – yeah, lotus beans or lotus seeds are indeed – so…we think some of them, some, someone’s named, like, Pinto.

Amanda: [Laughs] Kidney? We got a Kidney Bean?

Sarah: What, what’s, what’s garbanzo’s nickname?

Amanda: Okay, so the, the cover that they show, and I, is this the original cover? I think this is the only one they have. There’s lot of floral wallpaper on this cover.

Sarah: Yeah, there’s a secret passage and a cat, right?

Amanda: And a cat, yeah.

Sarah: Ooh, what do you think the Bean Manor –

Amanda: What’s the cat’s name?

Sarah: – cat’s name?

Amanda: I know!

Sarah: Maybe that’s garbanzo. Maybe they –

Alison: I think garbanzo is the cat.

Sarah: I mean, you can’t, you can’t –

Amanda: That’s a good cat name.

Sarah: – saddle a human with that name. What are they going to call him, Ben?

Amanda: Apparently there’s also a, a recipe inside the book?

Sarah: Oh, I mean, it’s Beans! Beans all the way down.

Amanda: Yeah. Well, someone’s like, I loved the recipe for Hilary’s brandy sauce. Wish we could have had the recipe for the pecan cranberry quick bread she mentions too.

Alison: Also, this appears to be part of a series.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: Yeah!

Alison: The Decorating Duo of Deduction is back.

Amanda: Yeah, Hilary Scarborough, a domestic artiste, and her assistant Jane Ferguson, an ex-law-student in the mist, or in the Murder by Design series.

Sarah: Wow. But we’ve got Bean Manor here.

Amanda: Bean Manor. It’s great.

Sarah: That’s amazing.

Amanda: Take me to Bean Manor.

Sarah: Sounds great. We could have a whole vacation.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Alison: Also, Beau Jackson? Like, I appreciate it’s not, it’s B-E-A-U instead B-O, but, like, did we, couldn’t we have come up with something a little bit less…

Sarah: Look, Beau knows Beans. What can I say?

Amanda: Look, they used all, all their creativity on Bean Manor. They were…

Sarah: And Elizabeth…and America Elizabeth.

Amanda: They were fresh out.

Alison: They were.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Alison: …cat is named garbanzo.

Sarah: Yeah. Cat, okay, so –

Amanda: We’re going to go with it.

Sarah: I agree.

Amanda: It’s canon now.

Sarah: Alison, what is your pick?

Alison: Harvest of Bones by Nancy Means Wright on page 92 of the PDF.

Sarah: Ooh, four stars!

Alison: Yeah.

Sarah: Okay, this is amazing. I can’t wait for everyone to hear this. I just read the first two sentences, and I am delighted. I am filled with joy.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I am so excited.

Alison: The joy is why I liked this one as well. Harvest of Bones by Nancy Means Wright:

>> Middle-aged divorcee Fay Hubbard is trying to start a new life by operating a B&B in Vermont, but nothing is going right. First of all –

[Laughs]

>> – she’s rented a cow to give the place atmosphere, but Dandelion –

[Laughter]

Sorry!

Amanda: That’ll do it!

Alison: >> – is an extremely stubborn cow, and the atmosphere she’s creating is not a good one.

[Laughter]

Alison: >> Then, before she even gets a paying customer –

Which I think must refer to Fay and not Dandelion.

>> – local octogenarian Glenna Flint turns up freshly escaped from a rest home with the aid of her niece Hartley. Fay doesn’t know what’s worse, coping with the cow or the demands of a cantankerous old woman. Finally an actual paying customer, Kevin Crowningshield –

[Laughter]

Alison: >> – turns up, and it looks as though the B&B just might work out after all.

With one customer.

Sarah: With that, that one customer, right? Yeah, we got that one guy; we’re good!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Alison: Yeah, yeah.

>> Then Gandalf, Fay’s greyhound –

[Laughter]

Alison: >> – digs up a body on the farm that might be the corpse –

Amanda: That is, that’s a good dog name.

Alison: I agree.

Amanda: I would think, I think Gandalf would be better for, like, an Irish wolfhound? But greyhound, not bad!

Alison: I’ll take it as a greyhound.

Sarah: Gandalf!

Amanda: Yeah! Gandalf the Grey.

Alison: Exactly.

>> Then Gandalf, Fay’s greyhound, digs up a body on the farm that might be the corpse of Glenna’s long-missing husband.

Sarah: [Laughs]

>> Kevin’s wife dies under mysterious circumstances, and Fay realizes that there may be a murderer loose.

Sarah: Oh my God, you think?

Alison: [Laughs]

>> Filled with dry wit and colorful characters, Harvest of Bones is a most enjoyable mystery. Readers will also enjoy watching Fay, who has escaped from a bad marriage, and Glenna, who has escaped from a nursing home, get their zest for living back.

Sarah: Wow.

Amanda: I swear, the Mystery section is always the most fun.

Sarah: Ho my God!

Amanda: Weird shit happens here; it’s great.

Sarah: I need to know, Dandelion the cow and Gandalf the greyhound. Like –

Alison: Yeah!

Sarah: – what, what, what do you think their chemistry is like? You think they hang out? You think they’re just like, These humans are just ridiculous?

Alison: Oh no –

Amanda: Yeah.

Alison: – they’re going to be like one of those little, like, interspecies best friend kind of type things –

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Alison: – where, like, the cat and the hedgehog or friends and things like that. They’re totally one of those pairings.

Sarah: So what, what is it about the atmosphere that the cow is creating that is not good? Do you think that just means the cow’s taking a big ol’ dumpus everywhere?

Alison: I just think they’re, you know, somewhat flatulent?

Sarah: Yeah, cow farts.

Amanda: The cow’s just bad vibes. The cow.

Sarah: Poor Dandelion! Getting a bad rep.

Amanda: Bad vibes cow.

Sarah: Bad vibes cow. [Laughs] Oh my God! That was delightful.

Alison: Yeah. The Dandelion was great, and I love that one paying customer is going to solve all of her business problems.

Sarah: Oh, all of the problems are solved by that one.

Amanda: [Laughs] She just needs one!

Sarah: Yeah. You got to put –

Alison: But, but he might be a murderer, because his wife just died under mysterious circumstances.

Sarah: And there’s a whole-ass body.

Amanda: Look, as long, as long as the check clears –

Alison: Yeah!

Amanda: – okay, I’m not judging.

Sarah: Yep. Does the check clear is a very powerful sentence. I also like that in the next review for The Aluminum Hatch, there’s a character named Link Pickett.

Alison: There are some amazing names in here, I have to be honest.

Sarah: The names in this one –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Alison: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: The names in this one are incredible.

The book that I picked is a historical romance on PDF page 91. It is A Mortal Bane by Roberta Gellis, four and a half stars Top Pick. Now, we’ve got Dandelion and Gandalf and bodies and, you know, Bean House. Now we’ve got, like –

Alison: Yes.

Sarah: Now we’ve got, like, a whole other world here. This is a, this is a medieval.

>> In 1139, Magdalene la Batarde –

Which I believe is the Bastard.

>> – runs a bawdy house from the Old Priory guest home, Guesthouse, which is under the protection of the bish-, bishop of Winchester. One night, a messenger carrying a papal communication is tricked into visiting the Guesthouse. Still, he likes the prospect of a night there.

I mean.

>> The next day, when his murdered body is found but the message sack isn’t, Magdalene tries to find the message and prepare the girls’ alibis. The bishop of Winchester sends his most trusted men –

[Sighs]

>> – his most trusted man –

Alison: [Laughs]

Sarah: >> – Sir Bellamy of Itchen.

[Laughter]

Sarah: >> The attraction between Bell and Magdalene is immediate, but both have an investigation to carry out. They find out that the message was of vital importance to England and that they are not alone in their search for it. The Guesthouse and their own futures are at stake as Magdalene and Bell strive to find the truth behind the slaying.

>> Roberta Gellis, the queen of historical romance, weaves a magical tapestry of history, murder, and passion in A Mortal Bane. Magdalene’s courage and warmth make her a heroine we hope to encounter again.

I don’t know if this turned into a series, but the hero was Itchen! Itching!

Amanda: Gross.

Sarah: I know! You don’t want to think about itching at a bawdy house –

Amanda: No!

Sarah: – in the 1100s. Like, ugh!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: That’s like when someone mentions fleas or bedbugs and you’re just like, Ahhh! No, thank you!

So moving onto Series. These were, Amanda, you were right. These were all –

Amanda: These are weird ones.

Sarah: These were all weird.

Amanda: Yeah! I mean, I usually skim Series, ‘cause there’s just like a lot.

Sarah: There’s a ton of them.

Amanda: But I did pick out one where, it’s on page 103 of the PDF.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: It’s called The Prince’s Heir by Sally Carleen, and his two stars.

>> A feisty teacher is taken aback when her adopted son’s uncle shows up and declares his nephew to be the crown prince of a small country. But the real trouble starts when the sexy-as-sin royal decides he not only wants the prince’s heir, but his beautiful mom as well. While Sally Carleen pens a marvelous hero, her heroine’s mostly impolite behavior mars this otherwise emotionally charged and pleasant romance.

I want to know what this lady’s doing!

Sarah: What –

Amanda: What’s –

Sarah: What, what did she do?

Amanda: I don’t know, but she’s impolite! Did she, like, fart in front of him? Or is just, like –

Sarah: Did she rent a cow?

Alison: Does she not want to be kidnapped?

Sarah: I mean –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – maybe she wants her adopted son to not be a royal, because it’s a human rights violation. Like, maybe she’s like, You know what, you can solve your own problems; me and my son are fine. How old –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – is this nephew?

Amanda: On the cover, he looks like a toddler.

Sarah: Yeah, seriously, I would be rude too. I’d be like, No, you’re not coming near me; you’re not coming near my kid. I don’t know who the hell you are. You – piss off.

Amanda: Yeah. So I got like a whiff of like, you know –

Sarah: She had a spine. He didn’t like it.

Amanda: Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I’m getting a hint of.

Sarah: Those are definite vibes.

I did not select one from this section, ‘cause none of them really jumped out at me. This was my, this was my pass. Was this your pass too, Alison?

Alison: Yeah. Nothing really jumped out at me here.

Sarah: So let us move then into Regency. I don’t know if we’re going to have Regency cats this time. That was a, that was a real high point.

Amanda: We are! We are going to have Regency cats.

Sarah: Yes!

Amanda: Spoiler!

Sarah: Okay. All right, so the one I picked was on page 105, and mostly because I was really excited to read this out loud?

>> From Signet, a Top Pick: April Kihlstrom leads off the October Signets with The Wily Wastrel.

And when I read that I thought it said The Willy Wastrel, which would have been an even better –

[Laughter]

Sarah: – better title!

>> The delicious tale about a young man about town who hides his fascination with machinery behind the guise of a womanizing gambler.

I bet he is obsessed with boilers.

Amanda: He’s a train man! He loves model trains.

Sarah: Loves model trains.

>> When he accidentally compromises a young lady and is forced to wed, he is both surprised and pleased to discover that his new bride shares his unusual interests!

Amanda: She loves trains too!

Sarah: She loves trains too!

>> But will she be as understanding when duty to his country takes precedence over the honeymoon she deserves? Miss Kihlstrom is on quite a roll with this charming, effervescent love story featuring the appealing second Langford brother and his equally splendid heroine.

I love romance between two nerds who are desperately trying to hide their nerd? Like, they’re really, really trying to hide their nerd flag, but then they end up married to somebody whose flag is the exact same as theirs; like, that’s really fun? But The Willy Wastrel obsessed with machinery? Unparalleled greatness. I can’t, I can’t top it. It’s perfect!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Alison: I just like how he – but his, you know, public persona is that of a womanizing gambler.

Sarah: Yeah!

Alison: Like, he cannot be a nerd –

Sarah: No!

Alison: – who likes –

Amanda: But then he’s got like a secret room in his manor that’s just full of little model trains.

Sarah: Machinery. Fascination with machinery. And then there’s a little picture of the book, which is not usual; usually we don’t get to see the cover; I have to google them? The, the caption is:

>> April Kihlstrom’s The Wily Wastrel is a true “invention of love.”

So he probably, they both, actually, maybe they both do invent something cool. Obsessed with boilers; the best kind of hero is obsessed with boilers.

Alison, what was your pick?

Alison: My pick was one on the same page, The Magic Jack O’lantern.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Alison: Which, how could you say no to a magic o’lantern?

>> Sandra Heath beguiles us once again with supernaturally enhanced romance in The Magic Jack O’lantern; four stars. When an enraged elf –

[Laughter]

Alison: >> – goes on a rampage in Bath, only his lovely patron, a wealthy Cit’s daughter, has a chance of stopping him. But how will she do it without attracting the attention of the haughty gentleman currently renting the suspected villain’s Royal Crescent lodgings? Although the diverting brownies tend to overwhelm the romance at times, Miss Heath finishes up her amusing tale in grand style and with a suitably touching resolution.

And I’m very confused as to whether those brownies are baked goods or fairies.

Sarah: Got to be fairies.

Alison: [Laughs]

Sarah: All right.

Amanda: I’ve got to look up the cover for this.

Sarah: Ohhh! The –

Alison: Is it good?

Sarah: Ohhh, it’s…

Amanda: I don’t know; I’m look- –

Sarah: Here it comes! Putting it in the document, right underneath –

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: There you go!

[Laughter]

Alison: So we have a man in, we’ll just shorthand it is as a tuxedo, and in an embrace –

Sarah: Regency garb, yeah.

Alison: Gah. Embracing a woman who is wearing a white, short-sleeved dress with a very typical witch’s hat and cape, except both the hat and the cape are burgundy and have crescent moons and stars on them.

Amanda: And something’s on fire. Something is on fire in the background.

Alison: Something is on fire in the background.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Alison: We have fireworks above them…part of the hat.

Sarah: And a little jack o’lantern behind his butt grinning.

Alison: Yep.

Sarah: And because they’re, like, embracing and about to kiss, the jack o’lantern is, like, almost leering. Like, heyyy!

Amanda: Yeah. [Laughs]

Alison: It’s pretty great.

Sarah: This fabric is every fabric you see at Joann’s at, like, starting next month for spooky sea- –

Alison: Yes.

Sarah: Yes, this is –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: This is Halloween fabric, and I’m, I’m, I’m kind of wondering, like, was the witch’s hat with the, with the conical top and the big brim, was that even a thing in the Regency time –

Amanda: Hmmm!

Sarah: – or is that more of a modern depiction of, of, of witchery? Like, what is this hat? But, wow, that’s a good cover. And there’s fireworks! I, I kind of want to know if this is available digitally, but I don’t think it is.

Amanda: Are you checking, Sarah?

Sarah: No, I’m trying to find, like, any other infor- – no, it looks like it’s just in print –

Amanda: Mm.

Sarah: – and it’s available used. What a shame!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: The top – it has a five-star, a single five-star review on Amazon, and the review is:

>> Ahhh, she’s done it again!

Amanda: [Laughs] What does that mean?

Sarah: >> Terrific effervescence.

They’re celebrating Halloween in Bath with the Duke and Duchess of York and their Russian guests, and there’s a brownie population. This sounds incredible.

>> The Horditalls’ brownie Bodkin accompanies Polly to Bath, where he meets up with Ragwort, the brownie from book one.

This is amazing!

Amanda: I do love a, like, a paranormal historical.

Sarah: Oh, they’re fun.

Amanda: I do love those.

Sarah: Much more fun.

All right, Amanda, what was your pick?

Amanda: So last time we did RT Rewind, Sarah discovered the Cats of Mayfair series.

Sarah: Yes, yes.

Amanda: And we all had a great time.

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: So there’s a book in this Regency list of reviews called Lord Caldwell and the Cat, and this is sort of like, I was very hopeful that, that we’d get some cat action.

>> Lord Caldwell and the Cat by Joy Reed features a handsome, bride-seeking Baron who loses his heart to his beautiful cousin –

Just a dash of incest here.

Alison: Hints of incest. [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah, hints of incest here.

>> – who has just arrived with her mother to take up residence in a small cottage on his country estate. Timing is everything, however, and it will take both ingenuity and luck to divest himself of an engagement to a beautiful but frivolous society belle. Although the hero does not always show in the best of lights in his dealings with the heroine, Regency fans will appreciate the lively interpay, interplay of Miss Reed’s well-drawn characters.

So no mention of a cat. And then I was like, I bet the heroine’s name is Catherine, and I was right; the heroine’s name is Catherine.

Sarah: Boooo!

Amanda: However – however, the cover definitely has a cat on it, and the tagline says:

>> A feline fiasco sparks a riotous romance.

Look, if there’s a fucking cat in this book, that better be included in the review is all I’m saying. I need to know if there’s a cat!

Alison: But what is up with the cat on the cover though? I feel like that’s –

Amanda: The cat is literally Photoshopped on. Pretty sure.

Sarah: Oh yeah. That cat is not actually there. It’s partially on his knee and partially on her lap. Her feet are weird. I just want to say her feet are weird.

Alison: Yeah, this is like, we’re definitely in Photoshop of Horrors Cover Snark territory here.

Sarah: And he’s looking at the cat like this is the greatest day of my life, and she’s looking up at him like, Yeah, you are looking at my pussy.

[Laughter]

Amanda: But we did have a cat on the cover. But yeah –

Sarah: Bravo.

Amanda: – I just, I just wish the cat was more overtly referenced.

Sarah: In this review. I mean, how much of a role does this cat play? ‘Cause in Cats of Mayfair, the cats were all up in your business!

Amanda: And the tagline says a feline fiasco –

Alison: Fiasco!

Amanda: – so I would assume the cat is a lot of mischief in the book.

Sarah: You know, I think it’s great that we can find Regencies with cats and Regencies with magic. I think, I hope they continue.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So –

Alison: There was one recently; I’m trying to remember the title of it. The, it was, it was shifters.

Sarah: Yeah.

Alison: Love Regency shifters?

Sarah: Yep.

Alison: A Most Unusual Duke, I think?

Amanda: Oh yeah!

Sarah: Yes! Yes.

Amanda: Susanna Allen?

Sarah: Yes. Susanna Allen writes –

Alison: Something like that. I read –

Sarah: – great paranormals.

Alison: – I read two or, I wrote two or, I read two or three of them recently. They were, they’re fun.

Sarah: They’re fun?

Alison: They’re fluff. They’re fun.

Sarah: I have the audiobook in my, in my Favorites to be listened to.

Alison: There’s one with bears, right?

Sarah: Ooh!

Alison: So there’s a lot of use of the word sleuth, which, like –

Sarah: My favorite thing about the whole discourse about would you choose a man in the woods or a bear, and I was like, Everyone in romance knows you choose the bear. (A), because it’s going to be a shifter and (B), it’s not a man in the woods; it’s a bear. We’re all picking the bear!

[Laughter]

Sarah: We know how this ends. We know not to leave the house without being prepared to be kidnapped ‘cause we look like the senator’s daughter. Like, we’re aware! We understand!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So Alison, Amanda, what did you think of the books in this, in this issue?

Amanda: Lots of cultural insensitivities.

Sarah: [Laughs] You don’t say!

Amanda: Right? Yeah. We stumble across those quite a bit in some of these later, later issues for sure. But, you know, on the plus side, Bean Manor.

Alison: And Dandelion the cow.

Amanda: Lots of good names.

Sarah: Uncle Buck.

Alison: Grunt.

Sarah: Grunt! Yeah. Grunt, Grunt and Dandelion and Uncle Buck probably need to hang out, along with the greyhound named Gandalf.

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. I hope you enjoyed that. I will have links to all of the books that we talked about. If you want to see all the cool stuff, have a look at the show notes, but most of all, do not miss the visual aids. Every episode has a post on Smart Bitches where I put all the covers, and, hey, ‘90s covers are glorious, beautiful things of Whaat? So please have a look at the visual aids; there’ll be a link in your show notes, and you can listen and follow along and see all the pictures. It’s a lot of fun.

As always, I end with a bad joke. This joke is terrible, and it’s also in the metric system because I have a lot of listeners who don’t follow imperial, and I don’t want them to feel left out. But you can switch it back to imperial if you want. Are you ready? Here we go.

What weighs more, a liter of water or a liter of butane?

Give up? What weighs more, a liter of water or a liter of butane?

A liter of water weighs more. Butane is a lighter fluid.

[Laughs] I just need you to know that I was writing this in my notes; I was like, Well, it’s supposed to be gallon, but we’re the only ones who use imperial, so I’ll just use liter! But I had to sit and think, wait, is liter the one for liquids? Liter’s the one for liquids, right? That’s why I can’t get gas and cross the street in other countries, ‘cause I never know which way the car – okay, okay, I can cross the street in all countries except the UK and any other island nation where you drive on the opposite side of the street, ‘cause I never know which way the cars are coming from, and I just stand there in, like, analysis paralysis? But I can never figure out how much it’s going to cost to gas up a rental car when everything’s in liters. I just assume it’s magic money and I just, I can’t do that math, ‘cause it’s too many conversions! But this converts very nicely, so enjoy your metric joke.

On behalf of everyone here, including Wilbur, who is snoring, my God! I’m surprised the mic hasn’t picked this up. He’s, like, sawing wood! Anyway, on behalf of my snoring cat and me, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a great weekend, and we’ll see you back here next week!

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[end of music]