609. Romantic Times Rewind: April 2005 Reviews

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Hello and welcome to episode number 609 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. Gosh, that’s a big number! I’m Sarah Wendell, Amanda is with me, and we are going to take a tour through the new releases across many genres from the April 2005 issue of Romantic Times. It is time for another Romantic Times Rewind! This time we’re going nearly twenty years in the past, and romance has changed a little bit. There’s quite a bit of cringe, Mainstream includes YA and chick lit, Contemporary includes New Reality, and Regency in Format includes Corinthians. We’re going to try to understand why a character wants to dim the pain of turning thirty, and we take side trips into Sea Breeze, Stridex, and St. Ives Medicated Apricot Scrub. We are a very well-rounded and weird podcast in this episode.

I also want to make sure that you are aware that during the conversation we do mention some books that talk about sexual assault and there’s some body horror, but we do announce it in the audio so you can skip ahead.

I want to say hello to Anja G., who is the newest member of our Patreon. Hello, Anja! Welcome aboard!

Your support means so much. It means that I’m, well, still going at episode 609, and I have transcripts for all of the episodes, which is deeply appreciated. Hello, garlicknitter! [Hello! – gk] If you would like to support the show, if you like what we do, it would be wonderful to have you. Take a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches.

There is a lot to get to in this episode, so let’s get to it, shall we? On with the podcast.

[music]

Sarah: Okay, we’re traveling back to April 2005. I was, that was my, was newly pregnant with my first child, so I was probably, if I remember my first trimester, I was eating glazed doughnuts and Cheerios; that was really the only thing I wanted to eat. What were you doing in April 2005?

Amanda: I was sixteen years old!

Sarah: Wow.

Amanda: And so I was probably, what, ninth grade? Yeah, ninth grade, sixteen years old. I remember I had my sixteenth birthday at The Melting Pot!

Sarah: Amazing! So let’s start with the reviews, and the cover for this one is Brenda Jackson. We’ll talk more about the cover, obviously, in ads and features. But it’s a very striking cover, I will say. There’s a lot going on. I like how they used the sidebar to include other books.

Amanda: I think it’s the hot pink, and these colors, to me, feel so like People, Us Weekly; like, that, it, it’s what it reminds me of: like, late ‘90s, early 2000s, like, celebrity magazines.

Sarah: Yes, it’s very, these are the colors you see when you’re reading a magazine while you’re getting a pedicure.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Which is pretty much one of the last places you find magazines anymore. Most people are…

Amanda: [Laughs] That and maybe like a doctor’s office. Okay.

Sarah: The doctor’s waiting room, yeah, waiting room subscription?

So let’s start with historical fiction, or Historical Romance, rather. Historical Romance. There’s a lot of features in this magazine; takes a while to get to the reviews.

Amanda: I know! I was really surprised by how much I had to scroll?

Sarah: Oh yeah, and there’s this big –

Amanda: But we –

Sarah: – beefy section about YA and what are your teens reading? So what book did you pick?

Amanda: So I picked Almost a Bride by Jane Feather. Some sections are very long, and I’ll skim. You know, like, my eyes will try to catch something that sounds interesting?

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: So I’m going to read the review and description, and I’ll tell you what jumped out at me?

Sarah: Mm-hmm?

Amanda: And then why I was disappointed. [Laughs] So, Almost a Bride, Jane Feather, four and a half stars, set is Georgian, setting is Georgian England. I will keep saying that I really love it when they include the setting on these.

Sarah: Oh yeah. It also highlights that back then there were different settings.

Amanda: I know! But even though, like – slight, you know, tangent – they have a Regency Romance section in this ser-, or in this issue, but there are Regency settings in the Historical Romance section?

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: But I think the Regency section is just, like, Signet, like those very particular Regency, like, formats.

Sarah: Oh yeah, Regency the –

Amanda: And to me, that’s –

 Sarah: – Regency the format versus Regency the time setting are two different things.

Amanda: Yeah, which is so confusing for me personally. So this, this book was a Top Pick.

>> When Jack Fortescu sets out to win, he wins, and when he decides to destroy his enemy, he ruins him completely, taking control of the man’s possessions, including his sister Arabella. Typical –

Sarah: Okay, ew?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Ew.

Amanda: >> Typical revenge setup, right? Arabella can either leave her home or agree to a marriage of convenience with Jack. She wonders why he wants her when he can have any other woman. What drives this enigmatic –

That always trips me up.

>> – man, and whose name does he call out in his dreams?

Sarah: Whoa, okay! [Laughs]

Amanda: I know. [Laughs]

>> Arabella must discover the truth because she’s falling in love with Jack and suspects he feels more for her than lust or passion. Her search leads to a dangerous mission over the English Channel and straight into the clutches of Madame Guillotine. Feather’s prose radiates power and intense emotion. Her well-drawn characters come to life as exciting historical events thrust them into danger. This is what horse, historical romance is all about: the ideal blend of passion, people, and history that Feather provides makes her one of the best. Sensual!

Sarah: Sensual!

Amanda: So my eyes caught the phrase Madame Guillotine ‘cause it’s in, it’s –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – capitalized.

Sarah: Yeah, that was what was called.

Amanda: And I thought, my brain immediately was like, Oh, is this like a Scarlet Pimpernel situation, where there, she’s like a vigilante who goes by the name of Madame Guillotine? How cool –

Sarah: Oh, that’d be pretty dope!

Amanda: – would that be?

Sarah: That would be pretty cool!

Amanda: And it’s not.

Sarah: Nope.

Amanda: [Laughs] And I have such a soft spot for, like, what I call Scarlet Pimpernel stories, ‘cause I read it in high school. I’m not a big classics reader, but that’s one of the classics that I really enjoyed, and I love sort of the secret vigilante/secret resistance identity? And I had hoped that’s what I was getting, but that is not –

Sarah: Nope.

Amanda: – what this is. It’s a, it’s a revenge story where a woman is used as a pawn. Boooo!

Sarah: Oh man. Women as currency and emotional war crimes. Yaaay!

Amanda: And, but if, if anyone wants to design a, a, a vigilante named Madame Guillotine, that would be sick, though!

Sarah: That would be –

Amanda: I’d be on board! [Laughs]

Sarah: – be quite a name. Especially if she’s, like –

Amanda: I know!

Sarah: – eating the rich.

Amanda: That – perfect! That – look, someone please do it! Look, it writes itself; you can have these for free.

Sarah: [Laughs] My pick was also on the same page: Alas, My Love by Edith Layton, whose historicals I really like. This is from Avon, it’s a Regency, and it got four and a half stars. Just buckle up. This is, this is quite a ride:

>> When he was a foundling child –

All right, the first name is spelled A-M-Y-A-S, and I’m guessing that is [a-my-us]. So that’s how I’m going with it.

Amanda: I would guess that –

Sarah: >> When he was a foundling child, Amyas St. Ives was sent to the Antipodes for stealing –

He got shipped to Australia.

>> – but he vows someday to return to England to make his own destiny. After serving his time, Amyas is pardoned by His Majesty and returns to England. Now a self-made wealthy man, Amyas plans to find some inkling of his family and marry a woman of social standing.

He’s got, like, this little checklist; check, check, check.

>> Miss Grace Tremellyn might make him a good wife, but it is Grace’s adopted sister Amber who intrigues him. She is beautiful, smart, and desirable, and Amber feels the same attraction for this handsome, dangerous-looking man. But nothing can come of their feeling for each other: Amber has no name and no real family and is a foundling, just like Amyas. Will Amyas discover, before it is too late, that Amber is his destiny? A spinoff of The Return of the Earl, Alas, My Love is a poignantly written, sensual love story and a heart-tugger with finely honed characters.

So this focuses on the, on the hero, right? But –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – what actually happens, if I remember correctly, they find out that she is royal, that she’s, she’s nobility. So either she’s beneath him because she’s not, you know, well connected, or her identity turns out to be too much, and he has to overcome hurdles. And I’m like, just, you know, maybe just leave her be. [Laughs]

Amanda: And then we find out he’s the heir to the St. Ives Apricot Scrub fortune –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: – and then they can be together!

Sarah: They can be together, because that’s never going out of style. I used to use that stuff religiously!

Amanda: There was a thing a while, like, I’m sure this is probably true, but everyone’s like, Don’t use that scrub! It’ll create microtears in your skin; what are you doing?

Sarah: Oh, I remember that. That was, I think that was from, like, r/SkincareAddiction on, on Reddit.

Amanda: Yeah! I was like –

Sarah: Don’t use that!

Amanda: – Okay.

Sarah: Right, okay, but when I had acne? The St. Ives Medicated Apricot Scrub was one of the few things that I could buy that didn’t require going to the dermatologist, which, you know, you have to wait two and a half years for an appointment with a dermatologist now and in the ‘90s. It was only, one of the only things that worked, so I bought it, and I used it.

Amanda: I used those Stridex pads that –

Sarah: Oh yeah!

Amanda: – felt like your, the first layer of your skin was burning off.

Sarah: Yeah, I grew up in the era of Sea Breeze and Noxzema, where your face was just on fire. It was just, we’re going to just…apparently there’s a moisture barrier? I didn’t have one for like ten years.

Amanda: Yeah, I just remember thinking that your skin feeling, like, super tight –

Sarah: Yes –

Amanda: – was a good thing.

Sarah: – that means you won.

[Laughter]

Amanda: We fought the battle against acne!

Sarah: I’ve won, and I, I feel like I have Saran Wrap for skin: perfect; that’s just what I wanted. And now that I’m older and I put oil on my skin on purpose, which I find hilarious, the first time I did that it was like, Oh, what, what is this good feeling? Why does putting something on my face feel good? That’s not right! It’s supposed to be painful!

Amanda: I know! The things you learn!

Sarah: Things you learn!

All right, so Mainstream Fiction. This is wild. Did you notice this?

Amanda: This fucking section –

Sarah: This is wild –

Amanda: – is just like –

Sarah: – to me. So we have Mainstream Fiction, which is, you know, fiction. But then we have Chick Lit in its own section, and then we have Young Adult in its own section. But they’re all inside Mainstream Fiction; they weren’t separated out. So it’s like this one really long list of books? The reviews range from two to four and a half stars Top Pick. But my gosh; like, they have Ya-Yas in Bloom, which was part of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood novels, and The Mermaid Chair by Sue Monk Kidd, which was the, the book that, that came out after the one that made her super famous, The Secret Life of Bees? But, like, this section is huge, it’s massive, and there’s so many things in here.

Amanda: Yeah. I don’t understand it. There’s a YA novel by Joyce Carol Oates in here called Sexy, I just noticed? [Laughs]

Sarah: Joyce Carol Oates wrote a YA called Sexy.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: That, that is probably, like, the subtitle of this episode, right?

Amanda: I mean – and then, if you’ve noticed, towards the end of the issue, there are continuations –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – of certain sections?

Sarah: Yeah, we’ve got –

Amanda: Why?

Sarah: – widows and orphans.

Amanda: Why?

Sarah: If you’re curious, Joyce Carol Oates, Young Adult, twelve and up, Sexy.

>> You can always count on Oates for a story of morbid intensity.

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: That’s also what you can count on her Twitter feed for, too! Oh man.

Amanda: Not much has changed, huh?

Sarah: Nope.

>> Dark, complex themes, and leaves it up to the reader to decide what happened. Oates once again has written a compelling book that stands above most Young Adult literature.

Okay, you don’t have to praise a book by putting down all the other ones. First of all, don’t do that. Second of all, what? Okay! Good to know! Wow.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: That’s a surprise. What did you pick?

Amanda: So I picked When Angels Fall. TRIGGER WARNING, trigger warning, trigger warning. And if, if I remember correctly, I marked this one because it, I feel like there’s some victim-blaming in here that I don’t fully understand. So it’s When Angels Fall by Jamie Summers. It’s only two stars, so not a Top Pick. All the TRIGGER WARNINGS before I go in here.

>> This is a dark suspense story about a woman who is forced into hiding when a controlling and sadistic man from her past is released from prison.

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: >> Reed Hudson knows nothing of Dani Michaels’s past when they become intimate. When she suddenly disappears, the quirky bookstore owner assumes that Dani has abandoned him. Then he reads Dani’s diary and learns that she is fleeing for her life. The diary entries reveal an unsettling tale of abuse and torture at the hands of Jacob Devonshire. The novel –

Sarah: That’s a romance hero name. I mean, that’s the bad guy, but that’s a romance name right there.

Amanda: Oh, for sure. Put him in a, in a historical and –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – you’re set.

>> The novel begins slowly, with much attention given to Reed’s eccentricities. Neither Reed nor the Dani revealed through her diary garner much empathy from the reader. Dani’s role in her own torture makes her a frustrating character. The numerous secondary characters, combined with the transitions between the present and Dani’s earlier diary entries, slow the flow of the story and at times make it difficult to follow.

Sarah: That’s just a parade of red flags right there.

Amanda: I know!

Sarah: Dani’s role in her own torture makes her a frustrating character?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Ummm. That seems –

Amanda: And then –

Sarah: – poorly chosen.

Amanda: – the, the love interest is like a quirky bookstore owner who –

Sarah: Who’s eccentric?

Amanda: – who, like, thinks that Dani owes him something after they sleep together, and then also reads her diary?

Sarah: We don’t have time to unpack perfect victim concepts, but Geeze Louise!

Amanda: Yeah, it’s rough. This feels bad! [Laughs] It’s in Kindle Unlimited, if anyone’s curious.

Sarah: Thank goodness.

The book I picked is on page 54. Jumped out at me because of the title: The Bad Mother’s Handbook by Kate Long. Three stars.

>> A bestseller in the UK, Long’s debut novel is an entertaining, if not surprising tale of the trials of parenthood. Three generations of women, daft, elderly Nan; miserable, middle-aged Karen –

[Laughs] Sorry. The names are extremely apt for 2005.

>> – miserable, middle-aged Karen; and thoughtful seventeen-year-old Charlotte are constantly treading on each others’ nerves. The tension in their cramped apartment gets worse when Karen discovers she was adopted and Charlotte learns she’s pregnant. Long employs humor and wit in this well-written tale, but the characters are less than engaging. It’s hard to sympathize with the harried Karen as she’s constantly mired in pity or frustration. Nan, who’s facing the onset of Alzheimer’s, spends most of her segments recounting her own difficult life. The youthful but surprisingly wise Charlotte is the most vibrant character. Readers will likely enjoy the well-written story, even if there are few surprise-, there are few surprises or new insights along the way.

I’m not quite sure why this book is getting three stars? Sounds like standard women’s fiction? But miserable, middle-aged Karen.

Amanda: There’s a lot of, like, I feel like internalized misogyny –

Sarah: Oh –

Amanda: – in this issue!

Sarah: – quite a bit of internalized misogyny and, and –

Amanda: Oh boy!

Sarah: – and pearl-clutching about young people reading or not reading.

And now the Regency section, which is Regency in Format. It’s a whole thing.

Amanda: What is, what does Regency in Format mean? Because I was not a romance reader when – like, these were not what I was picking up when I started reading romance.

Sarah: Okay, um –

Amanda: Like, what is the difference?

Sarah: Okay, do you remember books like the Sweet Dreams books, Sweet Valley High –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – little thin paperbacks? Regency were about that size, about that trim size, and about that style of paper? All set in the Regency. A lot of them were very chaste? I remember reading one with a sex scene and being like, Oh my word! Because…they were usually very chaste; they very, very much resting on the Regency rules and manners? But they were shorter; they were in a different trim format: thin, slender paperback. You can sometimes find them in used bookstores. There’s almost always a, an, a painted cover, but it’s very vivid in color often, and there’s usually a picture of two people in the Regency garb, but they’re in a room, and the rest of the room or the rest of the space above them leaves all the room for the title and the author. They’re, they’re visually a lot very similar.

Amanda: I’m googling covers.

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: Okay! These look familiar to me. I haven’t read any, but now I understand. Got it.

Sarah: So my pick here – this sounds amazing.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So this was a four and a half star Top Pick. It is The Captain by Lynn Collum, and it is published by Signet, so Signet Regency.

>> At the age of twelve, sickly Miss Jacinda Blanchett is betrothed to Andrew Morrow. Although the contract will help save Andrew’s father from debt, Andrew is outraged, and he disappears, joins the navy, and eventually goes to India to make his fortune. The day he leaves, Jacinda’s father is murdered. With her life now in jeopardy, she hides out in London, living as a teenage boy.

The heroine disguised as a boy is objectively silly, but it works on me.

>> Soon she becomes responsible for young Ben Trudeau. When Ben is pressed into the navy, Jacinda and her friend rescue him, as well as an injured man who turns out to be her betrothed! It doesn’t take Captain Drew long to recognize Jacinda, and he now finds her beautiful and enchanting. Unfortunately, would-be assassins are still after her.

Gosh darn it, what a bad day.

>> The Captain –

Amanda: Hate it when that happens.

Sarah: It’s just amazing.

>> The Captain by Lynn Collum is an exciting, page-turning story with danger riding close on the heels of love.

This is what I mean when I’m like, I miss this style of romance where things just Happen with a capital H. I think, believe you called it the time when romance was a little kooky.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Betrothed at twelve; he’s like, Screw this, I’m joining the navy. Her dad dies; she hides out in London living as a teenage boy and adopts some young kid who she’s going to take responsibility for. He gets gang-pressed into the navy, and then they happen to rescue her fiancé! Amazing! They don’t, they don’t make ‘em like that anymore.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: What’s your pick?

Amanda: I picked Ask Jane by Victoria Hinshaw; three stars.

>> Cedric Williamson is a Corinthian of the highest order. He lost all his money gambling and is forced to stay with his Aunt Amelia as he tries to restore his wealth. But unbeknownst to Cedric, Amelia has plans for him, and they just happen to include penniless Jane Gabriel, the woman who wants to be Amelia’s family biographer. Jane hopes that if she does a good enough job, she’ll be able to support herself and her mother. The suspenseful Ask Jane –

Which, I’m sorry, nothing prior to this has told me that this was going to be a suspenseful book.

>> – by Victoria Hinshaw is highly intriguing as Cedric pursues a wrong done to him and others with a vengeance, but Jane’s work for his aunt tends to overshadow her blossoming romance with Cedric.

This girl just wants to be a biographer!

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: Just leave her alone!

Sarah: Just leave her be! Let her live!

Amanda: Yeah. So I don’t know what made this suspenseful, ‘cause we just find out that Cedric’s out for revenge on something, maybe losing all of his money gambling. And Aunt Amelia seems awful.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: Just, like, this woman wants to be your biographer, and instead you’re trying to thrust her at your nephew who now has to live with you ‘cause he lost all of his money.

Sarah: This sounds just messy and unpleasant.

Amanda: Yeah! [Laughs] That’s a good way to describe it!

Sarah: Regency Reader – Passionately blogging about all things Regency. A Corinthian is someone who is an athlete or a sportsman who excelled in most of the sporting activities of the day, emphasizing being stylish and sporting versus stylish and lascivious, which would be a rake, is apparently a term very common in Georgette Heyer novels. So, good to know.

Inspirational, which is often a bit of a problematic set of tropes at this time period. There’s a lot of white savior-ism all over the place.

Amanda: There were so many.

Sarah: So many.

Amanda: There’s so many in here.

Sarah: So I picked a book that I – okay, first of all, I, I just, I’m, I’m going to just warn you, this will make you cringe. It made me cringe; I’m still cringing. This has got a four and a half star Top Pick Gold – still an unexplained designation, but okay. [Laughs] Google, Google Assistant thought I was talking to her with Top Pick Gold. Does that sound like –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – something you would respond to? Anyway. I don’t understand the rubric; Top Pick Gold, fine, whatever. It’s a historical; it’s called The Rain from God by Mark Ammerman, published by River Oak.

>> In the 17th century United States, Katanaquat of the Narragansett tribes grows into a legendary warrior. His name means Rain from God, and he takes pride in challenging his people’s gods at every turn. When the white men from across the ocean invade his shores, they make inroads on Katanaquat’s way of life. Though the One God Of All Things –

All of those words are capitalized.

>> – appeals to him, he’s learned from experience to trust no god. Nor does he trust these pale-skinned settlers who take more than they give and do not understand the way of things among the Narragansett. Hatred and confusion rule Katanaquat’s life. Will he yield to the tugs on his heart from this One God before death darkens his eyes?

Okay, so we already have some religious overtones that are very unpleasant. Here’s, here’s coming in for home! Just strap in!

>> In an arresting and authentic first-person voice that’s laced with powerful imagery –

[Laughs] Amanda’s shaking her head at me.

Amanda: No.

Sarah: >> – Ammerman weaves a tale that will echo in readers’ hearts long after the final page is turned. No simplistic conversion tale, this is a gritty and honest novel of depth, understanding, and compassion.

Oh boy! Yeah.

Amanda: This takes place in New England.

Sarah: In New England in the 17th century in the United States –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and it’s a conversion, conversion story, and I just want to point out that Mark Ammerman is an author; books by this author include The Brave Monk, Jesus Feeds the 5,000, and Christmas Coloring Fun: Celebrate the Season with Crayons! I don’t see any –

Amanda: One of these things is not like the others!

Sarah: One of these things is not like the other, but also I don’t see anything about this person being Native American. This is a first-person narrative; makes me very uncomfortable, but I’m not entirely sure if this person themselves is indigenous.

Amanda: There’s another one that I called out where – I think it’s a contemporary, women’s fiction, and I saw the phrase:

>> Ella is a Black mother with AIDS.

Sarah: Oh God! This is often a section where in newer editions of the magazine we’re like, Ooh, cool, ladies in hats doing neat things! Squatting in houses, becoming a meteorologist, and dudes who are obsessed with boilers! This is all int- – and then you look at this period, and it’s like, Oh, buddy. Oof. Savior narratives and, and racism and – you know how, you know the phrase Stay in your lane? The, the authors are so far from their lanes here, they’re, like, in the next county. They’re on another road. There’s no map for where they are.

Amanda: They’re going the wrong direction!

Sarah: They’re going the wrong way.

Amanda: They’re going into incoming traffic is what’s happening.

Sarah: Yep. Oh, it’s a lot. So yeah. This, this section, when we’re looking at this era, makes me very uncomfortable.

What pick did you want to discuss?

Amanda: Before we move on, so when Sarah – we have, like, a Google Doc when we do these, and we just make a note of what book we’re talking about?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: When Sarah mentioned that she was going to talk about The Rain from God, my brain immediately started playing “Africa” by Toto?

Sarah: Oh, me too! No question!

Amanda: You, you gotta bless the rain!

Sarah: Yeah! Like, Kilimanjaro –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – rising like Mt. Olympus above the Serengeti, which it actually doesn’t do? Yeah! This is a much better thing to think about than –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – anything from that book. First person! Yikes.

Amanda: So I picked a book on page 69 – nice – called Flee the Night by Susan May Warren, and –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – as I kept reading the book summary, I was like, What on earth is happening here? ‘Cause this –

Sarah: Yeah, your eyebrows just go uppp!

Amanda: There’s a lot. So it’s Flee the Night, romantic suspense, by Susan May Warren, four stars.

>> Ex-CIA operative Lacey Galloway struggles against an unseen enemy who wants to steal encryption technology she’s developed. Suspect- –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: Yeah!

>> Suspected in her spy husband’s murder years ago, she is framed again for the murder of a government employee. Worse, her young daughter has been kidnapped!

Sarah: That’s just a bad day. Man!

Amanda: >> Convinced that she’s wandered too far from God to receive his help, she turns to the last man she ever wanted to involve: her ex-boyfriend, who was also her husband’s best friend! Jim Micah. Jim would rather turn Lacey in than help her, but a child’s life is on the line. For the sake of justice, he uses his special forces training to hunt for the child and keep tabs on Lacey. If only he could cut her out of his heart as well. Warren’s pace is relentless in this first installment of the Team Hope series. Her characters are engaging and her plot tight. The only disappointment is the clichéd “bragging villain” scenario at the end.

What a –

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: What a whirlwind of a description. [Laughs]

Sarah: I’m really curious about the JBV about this, of this book, the Jesus-by-volume, because it sounds like a very standard romantic suspense plot with a little God on top? Like, like –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – God like a –

Amanda: A sprinkling of God.

Sarah: A sprinkling of God. Convinced she’s wandered too far from God to receive his help, she goes to her ex-boyfriend! Okay.

Amanda: The cover for Flee the Night, all of the cover editions, whether you’re looking at Kindle or the paperback version, none of this conveys suspense to me at all…just looks sad.

Sarah: Is that a Baldwin? That looks like a Baldwin!

Amanda: That’s similar to a Baldwin; it’s Baldwin lite. The diet Baldwin.

Sarah: It’s Baldwin-esque. Definitely Baldwin-esque.

Amanda: Nothing makes it seem like this is a suspense book, but it is shelved in Religion and Spirituality it looks like, so maybe the JBV is higher than we think.

Sarah: Yeah, quite high JBV then. The, Flee the Night, with the green tree and the green bottom, looks like an environmental sciences textbook.

Amanda: That’s a bad cover design.

Sarah: Isn’t it kind of wild how – you know, we think covers are weird now, and you look back then and it was like, Whoa, okay! Wow!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Moving out of Inspirational – thank you, God –

[Laughter]

Sarah: Let’s move into Sci-fi/Fantasy!

Amanda: I’m scrolling to get out of here as fast as I can. Okay, there we go. [Laughs]

Sarah: So what did you pick in Sci-fi and Fantasy?

Amanda: So I picked a book called Down Time by Lynn Abbey. It’s contemporary fantasy, four stars, on page 76, and it sounds like my nightmare.

Sarah: Oh! Oh dear.

Amanda: Yeah. And you’ll see why.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: >> As Curse Hunters, Emma Merrigan and her mother Eleanor have a unique relationship.

Sarah: Oh, that’s, that’s the start of an Am I the Asshole post. “My mother and I have a unique relationship.” Well, shit. [Laughs]

Amanda: >> Eleanor’s years trapped in a dream world known as the wasteland make her appear far younger than her daughter, making it difficult for college librarian Emma to think of her as a parent.

Sarah: Okay, pause. Just pause for a – [laughs] – wait, what?

Amanda: So her mom was stuck in a dream world where she –

Sarah: Called the wasteland.

Amanda: – where she didn’t age? And so when she came out of this dream world, I’m assuming she’s still the same age as when she went in, so she – or physically – so she looks younger than her own daughter.

Sarah: Who is a college librarian.

Amanda: Who is a college librarian. And they both have E names.

Sarah: If you didn’t know where we were going next, would you expect the next paragraph?

Amanda: >> In an attempt to reconcile their differences and grow closer, Emma agrees to go on a Caribbean cruise with her mother.

Sarah: [Laughs] I love it! Okay!

Amanda: That is a hellish thing to do. Yeah, let’s reconcile and be trapped on a fucking boat.

Sarah: In a tiny cabin together.

Amanda: Where everyone’s going to keep thinking you’re my sister. Or daughter. Who knows?

Sarah: Ohhh boy! Okay!

Amanda: >> But when they encounter a cursed passenger, the cruise becomes anything but a vacation, and Emma must return to the treacherous wasteland.

So Emma’s also been to the wasteland, apparently.

Sarah: Or it’s a typo and it’s Eleanor.

Amanda: Yeah, maybe.

Sarah: Oh my gosh, this is amazing! I just need you to know I’m having the best time right now. Continue!

Amanda: >> Eleanor’s flighty personality is an effective counterpoint to Emma’s commonsensical approach.

So here we have a daughter who has to parent the parent, and that’s a little too close to home, and I hate it!

>> Emma’s easygoing, practical voice makes for an easy read, even as the tension of the story builds. The reader can’t help but be pulled into the adventure!

Sarah: Wow!

Amanda: Also, this book was $6.99! Holy shit!

Sarah: Okay, you need to see the covers for this one.

Amanda: I’m looking; I’m googling.

Sarah: Part of the Orion’s –

Amanda: That’s the mom. That’s got to be the mom.

Sarah: The person looking over their shoulder at you?

Amanda: No, sorry! The mass market paperback version.

Sarah: All right, so there’s two. The Kindle version is wild too. The mass market paperback has this peach flare background and this woman – she is one thousand percent trying to look like Roma Downey on Touched by an Angel. Like, she’s got light from behind her, and then there’s so much light behind her body that her dress is dissolving? I guess she’s going into or coming out of the wasteland, but, like, her hair is, it’s like a grown-out Rachel from Friends.

Amanda: Yeah, and then there’s, like, a woman behind her looking sad. I wonder if –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – that’s the daughter.

Sarah: Who knows?

Amanda: And then there’s a boat, but that boat does not look like a cruise ship; that boat looks like a pirate ship.

Sarah: Yeah. And then if you look at the Kindle version, there’s an illustration of this woman looking down her nose at you inside a circle of time, in front of an orb of some kind, and that looks like a YA cover.

Amanda: Yeah, I bet that’s the daughter, the college librarian.

Sarah: Wow. So my, my mom was, was in a, a, a wasteland dream world, came back looking younger than me, and that is the time for us to go on a Carnival cruise. Got it. Okay. Sounds great.

Amanda: Awful.

Sarah: Amazing! I hope you read it; it sounds incredible.

Amanda: I’m not going to. I, I have a feeling I will throw this book against a wall. [Laughs]

Sarah: The book I picked is on page 75; it’s The Carpet Makers, and I flagged this particularly for someone I know who listens to the podcast, who’s in the Patreon, named JF Hobbit. Hobbit, this is for you. Science fiction, by Andreas Eschbach, Tor, four and a half stars Top Pick.

>> This innovative, absorbing novel begins on a remote planet where carpet makers tie intricate knots to form priceless carpets for the palace of the emperor.

You with me so far? Okay.

>> Made from the hair of their wives and daughters, the carpets are so elaborate that just one takes an entire lifetime to finish. The art has descended father to son since time immemorial, but things are beginning to change. Rumors circulate of the emperor’s abdication, perhaps his death, and strangers arrive from far-away planets to trace the carpets back to their source. Slowly and horrifyingly, the origin of the hair carpet trade is revealed, and its secrets are beyond what anyone imagined.

Now, if JF Hobbit is sitting here going, Why did Sarah think of me for a bunch of hairy carpets?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: What does, what have I said? Okay, this is why I flagged this for you:

>> This classic of German fantasy has finally been translated into English. Cleverly constructed in vignettes, each revealing another aspect of Eschbach’s –

I hope I’m saying that right.

>> – complex interstellar empire, the book’s tension and mystery build slowly and irrevocably. Readers are pulled along on a quietly horrific journey of a fateful rebellion and the changes it brings to an entire universe.

So, ‘cause I know Hobbit is learning German, if it’s in German and in English and it’s in vignettes, this seems like a great book to read to practice and also to get some absolutely bonkers language skills. Like, I think that the word in German for enchanted, cursed hair carpet is going to be an amazing thing to learn here. There you go. That was my pick. [Laughs]

Amanda: Wow.

Sarah: So yeah, that was, that was a ride, right? There are some real doozies in this one.

Mystery, Suspense, and Thriller. I just want to point out that we have a sighting of Bubbles Yablonsky.

Amanda: We can’t get rid of her.

Sarah: We can’t get rid of her. She’s, this is a, a book in a series; obviously there’s another book in the series. It’s a four and a half star Top Pick. Bubbles Betrothed – spoiler in the title. But I just, I just love that there was a heroine who was a former hairdresser and fledgling reporter in Lehigh, Pennsylvania, called Bubbles Yablonsky. That’s just amazing! You don’t get a Bubbles Yablonsky now.

Amanda: [Laughs] Where can we find a Bubbles Yablonsky these days?

Sarah: Right? So my pick is by Naomi Hirahara, who has written many books. Like, I, I have just discovered this person’s backlist, but it is substantial. On page 89 is Gasa-Gasa Girl. I think this sounds really cool. Amateur sleuth, four stars, from Delta – I don’t know if that publisher still exists.

>> Second in a series, this mystery has a quiet, almost zen-like center. Set within the Japanese-American subculture in New York City, the at-, the book’s atmosphere is compelling and unique. Japanese-American gardener Mas Aria has come to New York from California to help his daughter Mari, the gasa-gasa – a Japanese term meaning never sitting still, always on the go – girl of the title. This time Mari is busy trying to extricate herself from a murder charge.

Oh dear!

>> When Mas finds a clue as to who may have framed his daughter, he follows a dangerous trail that the police dismiss. Mas is an unlikely but tenacious gumshoe, a Hiroshima survivor who has an uneasy truce with American culture. The complex and layered story blends together character, setting, and plot in satisfying harmony.

So I immediately was like, Well, this is book two; tell me about book one! This series went on for I think seven books? The first book in the Mas Aria – no! Hang on. Is that a typo? Either I’m reading it wrong or there’s a typo. Yeah, okay. So in the review it’s Mas Aria, A-R-I-A, but in the author’s website, they are labeled as Mas Arai, A-R-A-I –

Amanda: Huh!

Sarah: – so they got the person’s name wrong in the review. I apologize; I had not caught that until just now. So the series is actually Mas Arai, A-R-A-I; there’s seven books. The first one is called Summer of the Big Bachi, if I’m saying that right.

Amanda: So the, the name’s familiar, Naomi Hirahara, because I just mentioned recent-ish-ly, within the last couple weeks, her more current mystery series in Get Wrecked? So book one is Clark and Division –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – and it’s set in 1940s Chicago –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – and takes place in Japantown, which it is, was a Japanese community in Chicago, but does not exist anymore.

Sarah: So what book did you pick?

Amanda: So I picked, on page 86, The Nature of Rare Things by Derek Wilson. It’s three stars; it’s labeled Suspense (paranormal). And my note for this is “What an excuse to go on a vacation alone to Italy,” and you’ll see what I mean. [Laughs]

Sarah: Okay! Let’s do it!

Amanda: >> In this –

Sarah: I don’t need an excuse; let’s just go.

Amanda: [Laughs]

>> In this well-crafted series debut, Wilson focuses on stolen artwork and psychic phenomena. Dr. Nathaniel Gye is a lecturer on paranormal psychology in England. At a séance Nat is visited by Bob Gomer, an acquaintance who recently committed suicide after being found guilty of art theft. Through a medium, Bob advises Nat to visit Italy and meet the owner of the stolen painting. Bob also recommends that Nat’s wife Kathryn avoid Italy, where she would encounter danger.

Sarah: Wait, okay.

Amanda: Can you imagine coming over like, Babe, I have to go to Italy because a ghost told me to, but the ghost also says you can’t come ‘cause it’ll be dangerous.

Sarah: That guy’s going to come home to some divorce papers sitting on the table. [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: What has just happened in that paragraph?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Wow! So the ghost –

Amanda: It is – the ghost –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: You have to go to Italy, but don’t bring your wife.

Sarah: Yeah, from a ghost! An acquaintance!

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: What the hell? Oh boy. Okay!

Amanda: >> In Italy, Nat unearths some disturbing evidence: the theft of the painting ties into a much larger criminal operation involving art forgery and insurance fraud. Furthermore, Kathryn does find herself in danger, though her Italian trek consists merely of a Robert Burns seminar. Through a sean-, or though a séance and paranormal contract draw, contact draw Nat into the mysteries of Bob’s death and the stolen painting, real events dictate the solutions to the mysteries. Wilson’s intricate web of suspense will entice readers into the fascinating and dark world of organized crime, greed, and murder.

And ghosts who are apparently travel agents. It’s like, You need to go to Italy.

Sarah: Wow. I just, so many thoughts.

Amanda: Right?

Sarah: We, we do have a, a Rec League coming up for theft stories.

Amanda: Theft stories. But very particular theft stories; like, people are solving a theft.

Sarah: Not a murder.

Amanda: No one’s committing a theft –

Sarah: Right: solving a theft –

Amanda: – and there’s no murder.

Sarah: – catching the people. It’s like the heist, but they’re after the people doing the heist?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: So this would actually, this might actually fit that Rec League.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: ‘Cause there’s theft. I mean, I don’t know if this is a book from like, a book from 2005, like, it, this is an era where I’m very cautious to recommend books, because I don’t know –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – what someone might bump into that I’m not, like, that I don’t remember from so long ago? Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I, I don’t know that I would be like, This one! But it does fit! Oh boy.

All right, so moving on to Erotica, my pick is Magnolia Summer by Jaci Burton. This was erotic romance, contemporary, published by Ellora’s Cave. It is a four and a half star Top Pick, and the cover is…

Amanda: That cover startled me when I saw it, and then I was like, Jaci Burton!

Sarah: [Laughs] I know! Why don’t you describe the cover?

Amanda: Oh my God, okay. So I feel like this is a copy and paste of the couple onto this background.

Sarah: Oh, no question.

Amanda: And the background I’m assuming is like a big magnolia tree with this sort of large manor house.

Sarah: House-looking thing.

Amanda: And there’s a man, and there’s a woman, and the woman is doing a thing where she’s got, like, her legs wrapped around the guy’s waist and he’s holding her up, but she’s, like, throwing her body backward.

Sarah: Like they’re both about to fall down, right?

Amanda: This looks like some dirty dancing –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – move here. It’s worrisome.

Sarah: Yeah. Either she’s just going to just rip his head clean off or she’s going to fall down and he’s just going to drop her, but gravity –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – does not work this way.

Amanda: No!

Sarah: So this is the review:

>> Geeky Jordan Weston was glad to get away from Magnolia, South Carolina, and pursue her love of theater, but after inheriting her grandmother’s property she returns home from New York to restore and sell it. With only a handful of qualified workers, she has no other choice but to hire her old high school crush Sam Tanner. Sam is quite intuitive about Jordan’s old feelings, and he desires her too, but no matter how passionate they are in close quarters, Jordan still has every intention of returning to New York as soon as possible. Magnolia Summer is a well done and touching romance. Jordan’s emotions and her reaction to Sam are powerfully real, and he is a to-die-for hero. Burton exquisitely delivers an affecting resolution, and there is no question that fate pays a, plays a strong role in reuniting two people who are perfect for one another.

So, one, this is actually a really simple setup that I think really works for me? I am only here temporarily. Going to Bone Town with you is great, but this is just temporary, because my life is somewhere else. Like, that’s a really simple setup, but I also love that someone whose career is as long-lasting as Jaci Burton is in here in 2005 with a Top Pick four and a half stars with Ellora’s Cave. Like, this might have been one of her earliest books.

Amanda: Yeah. So I picked, on page 94, Hot Bytes, and bytes is B-Y-T-E-S, and I was getting flashbacks of, like, when the late ‘90s and early 2000s were still, like, very Y2K, like, computer-tech-centric, if that makes sense? Like –

Sarah: [Laughs] Yep!

Amanda: And it’s by Lois Bonde, and three stars.

>> Bonde’s story is an unrequited love triangle set in Manhattan. White collar crime investigator Karn Borden –

Sarah: [Laughs] I’m sorry.

Amanda: Yep!

Sarah: Karn. K-A-R-N, Karn.

Amanda: Karn Borden.

Sarah: Karn Borden. Okay! That’s a lot of Rs.

Amanda: >> – is hunting for an industrial spy within the ranks of engineering design firm Burg and Son. James Burg, Jr., is heading up the branch office. Mick Saleari works as security, but resents the Burgs’ help. He, Karn, and James grew up together over summers spent at the beach. Bonde uses flashbacks to illustrate how the characters all know one another, and this moves events along crisply. The backstory of the main characters growing up together deepens essential tension that endures between James and Karn. Bonde creates a nice sizzle between them, with Mick’s sneering sarcasm as he sees the two young lovers find each other as adults serving as the counterpoint.

And then this is the last paragraph:

>> There’s some chauvinism toward Karn. James and her father don’t support her desire to be a PI, but this is a small weakness within the overall plot.

Sarah: Okay, so first of all I thought this was going to be a gay polyamorous? ‘Cause I thought Karn Borden was a –

Amanda: That’s what I thought so too!

Sarah: – was a dude. I thought that was a, I thought this was going to be – and I was looking for that male/male insignia, but no! Karn.

Amanda: Karn.

Sarah: Karn. You know that in elementary and middle school, everyone called her Korn.

[Laughter]

Sarah: There’s some chauvinism, but this is a small weakness within the overall plot. So why is it three stars?

Amanda: I don’t know. I guess we can get past the chauvinism; I think that’s fine.

Sarah: Yeah, once you get past the chauvinism, there’s sarcasm and boning.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Okay! Sure, sarcasm and boning; sounds great.

So we, we move on to Contemporary. Once again, we’ve got a full page list of books, and there’s Contemporary and New Reality.

Amanda: [Exasperated] Ohhh!

Sarah: Yeah. And the New Reality is, is absolutely paranormal. It’s –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: You know, there’s P. C. Cast, Goddess of Light; angel books; dark, sexy vampire books – yeah. So New Reality, okay. But if they’re going to treat it as one, I’m going to treat it as one; I’m going to pick one book.

Page 89: this sounds like a book that could be published right now, and I think that’s so fun. The Future Widows’ Club by Rhonda Nelson from Harlequin Signature Select, which I am pretty sure is not a grocery store label and also does not exist anymore. Four and a half stars Top Pick Gold! It’s a TPG!

Amanda: TPG!

Sarah: TPG!

>> Two years ago, Jolie made the worst mistake of her life: she traded in her childhood sweetheart, Detective Jake Malone, for Chris, a prince who morphed into a lying, cheating sleaze.

Amanda: At first I thought you were going to say for Chris, who morphed into a lion.

Sarah: [Laughs] No, that’s New Reality; this is the other section.

Amanda: I was like, What?

Sarah: All right, so Chris sucks.

>> Shortly after they married, Jolie discovered her odious spouse was stealing money from her mother and other investors in their software company. She finds unexpected salvation from three ladies who slip her an invitation to join the Future Widows’ Club. This secret society lends a helping hand to victimized wives and prepares them for the happy day when widowhood frees them from their matrimonial hell. When her no-good husband turns up dead in the shower, Jolie becomes a suspect! To make matters worse, sexy Jake is on the case asking lots of hard questions and making Jolie hot and bothered. Can Jolie give him –

Amanda: Sexy, Sexy Jake is his full name.

Sarah: Yeah, Sexy Jake and Chris, morphing sleaze.

>> – and making Jolie hot and bothered. Can Jolie give him the answers he wants without outing the secretive Future Widows? Nelson spins a page-turning delight filled with Southern wit, sizzling sexual tension, and a wacky whodunit. The plot is wonderfully original and peopled with a host of eclectic characters. A definite keeper.

This could be published right now, and I would not be surprised.

Amanda: Yeah. Especially if they’re, if they’re, like, a club that murders terrible husbands.

Sarah: The series is called the Bless Her Heart series.

Amanda: So I picked She Woke Up Married by Suzanne Macpherson, three stars, on page 101, and I mainly picked it ‘cause I wanted to tell a story about what recently happened with Brian and me, but also I –

Sarah: Can I pause?

Amanda: – I – sure!

Sarah: Can I pause you for one second?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: All right, this is a spoiler for The Future Widows’ Club. I just looked through some of the reviews on Goodreads, and I need you to, I just need to tell you that Oh my God! Okay. Okay. [Laughs] Wow. So allegedly lying, cheating, sleazy, morphing Chris is killed in a gruesome way, and then behind a stat-, behind a spoiler tag it says – okay, TRIGGER WARNING, oh my God –

>> Chris Marshall was shot through the chest, and HIS JOHNSON WAS CUT OFF. Later, the missing, frozen penis was found GLUED TO A STATUE in the center of town.

[Laughs]

Amanda: Oh my God.

Sarah: >> It’s actually played for laughs. No matter how bad this guy was, that’s some really disturbing shit…

Wow! [Laughs] I have tears on my face right now.

Amanda: Who found the penis and they’re like, LOL?

Sarah: We know whose that is, ‘cause that dead guy in the shower had his ween –

Amanda: This. Am I right?

Sarah: – cut – wow! Okay, I’m so sorry to have interrupted you…

Amanda: No, it’s okay! That’s an important interruption.

Sarah: That’s an important – [laughs] – oh my God.

Amanda: We’re so sorry to interrupt this broadcast with some breaking news.

Sarah: [Still laughing] How do you glue a frozen penis to a statue?

Amanda: With glue!

Sarah: But what glue is going to hold that on? It’s just going to fall right off.

Amanda: Maybe wood glue? You could get a strong wood glue? Would hot glue work?

Together: Gorilla glue!

Amanda: Nope! The Gorilla glue would work one hundred percent.

Sarah: Oh my God, I’m crying! Okay. All right. So I really did not –

Amanda: It’s okay. [Laughs]

Sarah: Wow! Okay! Going to move past that now. All right, go ahead.

Amanda: Maybe it’s why it never got a second book. How do you –

Sarah: Did you guys read –

Amanda: – top that?

Sarah: – the penis book? Yeah, we read the penis book. We’re not doing another penis book; no, no, no.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Whoo! Okay, I apologize. Please continue with what has just happened, because I’m just going to move past this. On with my life now. Holy crap.

Amanda: So I picked She Woke Up Married by Suzanne Macpherson, three stars. I mainly picked it to talk about something that Brian and I just, that just happened to us, but I also do have a question in this review.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: The review is:

>> Fashion model Paris James heads to Las Vegas to try to dim the pain of turning the big 3-0. She wakes up in bed with Elvis impersonator Turner Pruitt, a very large diamond ring on her finger, and no recollection of how she came to be Mrs. Pruitt overnight. Turner, who knew Paris before her days of stardom, has plans to keep her by his side, and Paris finds her world all shook up. Macpherson’s romantic comedy begins as buoyant, fast-paced fun, but some very serious topics lie beyond the madcap opening. Although finding meeting through coincidence is a thematic thread, the multiple flukes that arise during the story strain believability. The characters rarely feel completely authentic, which is unfortunate, given the delightful creativity of the premise and the author’s storytelling skill.

My first question –

Sarah: Okay!

Amanda: She wakes up in bed with an Elvis impersonator. How does she know immediately that he’s an Elvis impersonator? Does he still have the wig on? Is there a sequined jumpsuit hanging over a chair somewhere? What are her first indications that Oh, no, I probably had sex with an Elvis impersonator? What are the clues?

Sarah: Does he roll over and go Uh-huh?

Amanda: Oh God. Like –

Sarah: Like, if you, if you wake up with this guy you don’t know and he’s doing the Elvis voice, like, what do you do with yourself? You run! [Laughs]

Amanda: You get out of there.

And then the story that I wanted to tell: Paris is trying to dim the pain of turning thirty. And this week, literally two days ago, Brian slipped and fell getting into the shower and –

Sarah: Oh no!

Amanda: – landed on their elbow and definitely had some dizziness and nausea, and I’m like, I’m not playing around with a head injury; we’re going to the urgent care.

Sarah: Yeah! Oh yeah.

Amanda: Make, make sure you’re not concussed.

Sarah: Yeah, absolutely. Very important.

Amanda: And, and so, like, as the doctor was checking Brian out, Brian, you know, like, made the comment of like, Oh, I’m in my thirties, and I said, Stop. You are thirty.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: There is a difference. I’m in my thirties. You are thirty.

[Laughter]

Amanda: The ne-, yeah, the next section is Romantic Suspense, which we were both bored by, so…

Sarah: Yeah, I, I, I’ve decided that we each have a pass, and we can just be like, I pass on this genre. I’m not, I’m not into these. Just nothing really jumped out at me. I wasn’t always really like, I wasn’t really into any of ‘em, so we can just –

Amanda: I feel like in, in terms of, like, genres that are pretty homogenous in setup –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – I feel like romantic suspense is that for me.

Sarah: The thing is, when I read romance I’m more interested in internal than external conflicts, and a lot of suspense is external conflict, and so the internal, emotional development is often like, oh, that, that’s it? You’re just jumping right to insta-love? Okay. Danger boner! Not interested in danger boner.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So yeah, we’ll just, we’ll just have a pass, and we’ll just pass on that one.

And finally we have Series! Many books. Many books; many lines that don’t exist anymore. We’ve got Harlequin Blaze, Harlequin Code Red, Harlequin Flip Side, Harlequin Romance, Silhouette Bombshell, which is a line that I kind of miss, ‘cause that was kind of fun.

I picked Dishing It Out by Molly O’Keefe, because I always think it’s cool to see early books from authors who are still going and I’ve, like, I’ve read their work. On page 121, there’s a review for Dishing It Out. So this is from Harlequin Flip Side.

>> Hosting a cooking segment on a TV show and running her restaurant equals Marie Simmons having zero time for a personal life, but she’d have to be dead not to notice Giovanni Van or Von MacAllister, who runs the restaurant across the street. Then Marie’s forced to accept Van as her co-host, and she suddenly wants to do more than look. But even after she gives in to temptation, Marie still can’t trust Van completely. There’s no future in it, is there? Molly O’Keefe’s Dishing It Out, four and a half stars, is a spicy delight from beginning to end, and readers will sigh over Van, the tasty Scottish-Italian pirate chef.

Talk about burying the lede! Scottish-Italian pirate chef? I’m sorry. Like, these people had pants feelings. Great. I’m sure it was super sexy. Pirate chef? Bury the lede!

Amanda: But when I see the phrase “pirate chef,” my brain thinks that he works at some kind of theme restaurant.

Sarah: [Laughs] Scottish-Italian pirate chef, you’ve got to put that up top! That’s important information!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: That’s really important.

Amanda: So I want to mention, there is a one-star review –

Sarah: Yes –

Amanda: – in here somewhere –

Sarah: – there is.

Amanda: – which I think I read it and I was like, Oh boy! Yeah, and it’s called Reconcilable Differences by Ana Leigh. That is the one-star review, which we can read now –

Sarah: Go for it!

Amanda: – if people are curious.

Sarah: Go for it.

Amanda: >> Trish Manning is blackmailed by her evil estranged husband. She must accompany him on a trip to north Africa or he’ll report her father’s illegal business activities to authorities. Special –

Sarah: Okay, north Africa is very broad. There’s like five or six countries there? Which one?

Amanda: Yeah. There’s a, yep!

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: >> Special ops man Dave Cassidy is also in Africa –

A whole-ass continent!

>> – on a mission to capture a terrorist. He finds Trish in a dangerous situation; she’s unconscious, and her husband and another man –

TRIGGER WARNING

>> – intend to sexually violate her.

Sarah: What the fuck?

Amanda: Yep.

>> Dave and Trish have a history. They were once engaged but broke up when she didn’t believe his claims that her father was aiding terrorists. Danger follows the duo as they make their escape. Reconcilable Differences, one star, by Ana Leigh, has major problem!

Sarah: You don’t say.

Amanda: >> Awkward and stilted dialogue, constant information dumps, and confusing action scenes render the story nearly unreadable.

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: >> Also, the characters are extremely unpleasant, and Trish, shockingly oblivious to her father, and Trish shockingly oblivious to her father’s character. Her father’s and estranged husband’s disrespect and mistreatment of her are very unsettling.

Sarah: I should say!

Amanda: Yep.

Sarah: Not to mention that they’re just tooling around Africa like it’s not a whole bunch of different countries. With their own cultures –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and histories, yeah.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Wow!

Amanda: It’s just Africa as a whole!

Sarah: Yeah, you know! Just going to top to bottom takes about an hour; no big deal!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: If Lara listens to this – she lives in South Africa – she’ll be like, Nope! Nope, nope, nope. No, that’s not true.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Definitely not!

Amanda: So my pick is also another low-rated review; this one’s two stars. It’s Born to Be Bad by Crystal Green, page 121.

>> Tabloid writer Gemma Duncan has fantasies about being a Pulitzer-Prize-winning reporter at a real newspaper. When she overhears an argument between well-known New Orleans businessman Damien Theroux and a sexy stranger who’s, who accuses him of evil-doing, she thinks she’s found her ticket to the top, and she vows to get closer to the handsome mystery man. Born to Be Bad by Crystal Green has interesting story twists, but Damien is more than a bad-boy hero. He’s almost a truly bad man.

Sarah: Oh shit! [Laughs]

Amanda: >> Thus, the sex scenes seem sleazy rather than romantic. It’s hard to believe he would be interested in the overly naïve Gemma.

I mean, no, that makes sense. If you’re truly a bad person, why not go after a naïve woman? That makes sense to me. But I want to know, what makes him a truly bad man? I want to know what this guy’s deal is. Did you find out?

Sarah: No! But it has a 3.26-star average, nineteen ratings, which isn’t a lot.

Amanda: Yeah, there’s only two actual reviews, so I don’t really know –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – what makes him a, a truly bad man.

Sarah: You know, these are not long books. Maybe you should read it and find out.

Amanda: Flip through.

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: Just tell me.

Sarah: I am reading this book to find out why you are bad.

Amanda: Yeah, that’s what I want to know. [Laughs]

Sarah: So what did you think of the books in this issue?

Amanda: They’re – of its time.

Sarah: [Laughs] Yes, very much of its time.

Amanda: I don’t know if there’s any that I feel compelled to read because I legitimately want to know what happens?

Sarah: Yeah.

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s Romantic Times Rewind. We will be back in two weeks with the April 2005 ads and features, and wow, are there some ads and some features in this magazine. My goodness. These magazines are hundreds of pages. Like, I think about how much it would cost to print this now, and I kind of need to sit down for a minute. They’re beefy, chunky boys is what I’m saying, and there’s a lot to talk about, especially when you look at the history of romance, even just going back twenty years. But next month we’re going back even farther, so get ready.

I will have links to everything we talked about, and in the show notes there will be a link to the visual aids for this episode, where I show you the reviews, I have pictures of the book covers we discuss. It’s all the things that you can’t do in a podcast, ‘cause it’s not a visual medium. People who do videos as their, like, podcast content? More power to you. I am in awe. But that is not a thing I do, so I, I have a visual aids post, and it’s awesome.

A while back I asked for reviews, and wow. Thank you. Reviews make a huge difference, which is weird, because not every platform on which you listen to a podcast has room for reviews. I get it, but when you do leave reviews, it tells that podcast platform, Oh, hello! People are interested in this show, so thank you for your reviews. I want to say thank you to Keith456321 who says:

>> I love listening to Sarah. She’s a great interviewer and has fantastic guests.

Thank you, Keith456321! I wish you a wonderful day.

If you leave a review, thank you! Makes a huge difference. Weird that it makes a difference, but makes a difference!

As always, I end with a terrible joke. This week is no exception, and I love this joke! This is from DadSaysJokes:

Did you know that Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flatbread?

It’s true. Spiderman has a winter jacket made entirely of Mediterranean flatbread.

It’s a pita parka.

[Laughs] Pita parka! Thank you, DadSaysJokes!

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, and we will see you back here next week!

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[end of music]