562. Cover Snark Live: May Bunny Edition

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Hello and welcome to episode number 562 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. Today Amanda and I are doing some Cover Snark Live. Yay! We’re going to try to shock and appall one another, and possibly you, with some astonishing, excellent covers. We got Easter and bunnies and our latest guess as to what the next monster-shtupping romances will be. For extra fun, you can try to imagine what the cover looks like based on our descriptions, but you can look in the show notes to see the cover in question. I’m curious how close you are to the stunning reality. You can find the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast.

I have a compliment!

To Katie P.: One of your childhood best friends can still recall with perfect clarity a moment with you that made them feel seen and appreciated and is still grateful that you were there.

If you would like a compliment of your very own or if you would like to support this here show, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches. Monthly pledges start at one dollar, and every pledge is deeply appreciated because it keeps me going, and it makes sure that every episode has a transcript hand-compiled by garlicknitter. Hi, garlicknitter! [Hi! – gk] Thank you so much for your support; it means more than I can say.

Support for this episode comes from my favorite comfortable, washable shoes – yes, that’s right – Rothy’s. Are you looking to make sustainable wardrobe choices and maybe streamline your wardrobe to focus on the essentials? I definitely am, and I have started cleaning out my closet. I have clothes marked for repair; I have clothes set to donate. Am I getting rid of any of my six pair of Rothy’s? Absolutely I am not. I can refresh my wardrobe as much as I want, but my collection of comfortable, stylish, woven shoes in really fun colors? They are not going anywhere. Each Rothy’s style is woven with sustainable signature thread which is made from recycled materials, so they’re soft and they’re flexible and they look good and feel great right out of the box with no break-in period. Whenever I wear them I am comfortable and I look a little dressed up, which is my favorite combination. And there are so many great options; you can ask me about all of them. I have the Flat, the Point, the Loafer, the Lace Up sneaker, and my new favorites are my pink driving moccasins, and they’re all washable. If they get dirty, which they do ‘cause I wear them when I travel, I just chuck ‘em in the washing machine. They all look new, even my Points that are probably seven years old at this point. For stylish and sustainable shoes, shop Rothy’s! Get twenty dollars off your first purchase at rothys.com/SARAH. That’s R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com slash SARAH.

This episode is brought to you in part by Lume Deodorant. The sun is shining, it has finally warmed up, and spring is in the air, which for me means that the extreme humidity of a DC summer is almost here. But thankfully Lume Deodorant makes it easy to feel dry and comfortable, with wonderful scents to choose from. Lume’s bestselling scents like Lavender Sage, Clean Tangerine, and Fresh Alpine are all fabulous, and they launched two new scents, including Mint Cucumber and Soft Powder – I love scents like that. And heads up! New customers get five dollars off Lume’s Starter Pack with code SARAH30 at lumedeodorant.com. Now, as you might have heard me mention, I have started paying a lot more attention to the ingredients in my deodorant, and I really like Lume. The Toasted Coconut scent is great, and I don’t have to reapply! I think about it once a day and only once a day! How does it work? Well, some products try to mask odor with a fragrance, but Lume is formulated and powered by mandelic acid, so it stops odor before it starts. Lume can control odor for up to seventy-two hours, and Lume’s Starter Pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, and two free products of your choice. You can pick a mini body wash and deodorant wipes, for example – very popular with the teenagers in my house. Plus, comes with free shipping! As a special offer for listeners, new customers get five dollars off a Lume Starter Pack with code SARAH30 at lumedeodorant.com. That equates to over forty percent off your Starter Pack when you visit lumedeodorant.com and use code SARAH30.

This episode is brought to you in part by Athletic Greens. I tried AG1 because I like having a nutritional drink, especially when I am short on time or traveling and therefore off my normal eating schedule, and the all-in-one formula makes it so easy for me to cover all my nutritional bases every day. AG1 is powerful because it’s so easy. I take AG1 after a workout or after a walk, and it feels really good to know I’m making sure I have all the vitamins that I need. AG1 is a daily habit with excellent benefits. You can mix it with ice water, but I like to add it to yogurt or toss it into a smoothie to boost my nutrition in one step. Why take a bunch of different things when I can just mix one scoop of powder once a day? It’s the healthiest thing you can do in under a minute. AG1 has been part of millions of mornings since 2010, and it was designed with ease in mind. In fact, it’s delivered every month, which makes it incredibly convenient and very good for me because I never know what day or year it is. With AG1 I’m taking good care of my body, and it’s really, really simple. If you’re looking for an easier way to take supplements, Athletic Greens is giving you a free one-year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase. Go to athleticgreens.com/SARAH – that’s athleticgreens.com/SARAH – and check it out.

All right, are you ready for Cover Snark Live? I did my best to try again to make the covers load inside the file, so you should maybe, perhaps, I hope, see them? But if the posting service doesn’t let that go through, they’re in the show notes; you know where to find them, right? Yeah, smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast. On with the show.

[music]

Sarah: All right, are you ready for Cover Snark Live?

Amanda: I am. I have two covers. One of them is…

Sarah: Oh, thank God you have two, because I was really struggling to narrow it down!

Amanda: I have, I have two, but one of them –

Sarah: [Sighs in relief]

Amanda: – isn’t like a full snark?

Sarah: Right?

Amanda: It was just, it sent me into a fit of giggles –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – because of the title and font. But when I reveal the, like, second place, you’ll kind of see where, like, the theme I was going for.

Sarah: Okay! All right.

Amanda: So! So this is the first cover, and the name, the, the font –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – is what made me giggle, because –

Sarah: Oh no!

Amanda: – it, to me it looked like Bunny Hop Bean, and…

Sarah: [Laughs] Right! That’s what it says!

Amanda: – instead of Bunny Hop Beau.

Sarah: No, that says Bunny Hop Bean! [Still laughing]

Amanda: It’s like Bunny Hop Bean, and that just made me laugh. [Laughs]

Sarah: I’m crying!

[Laughter]

Sarah: No, it says Bunny Hop Bean!

Amanda: Bunny Hop Bean –

Sarah: That’s what that says!

Bunny Hop Bean Beau, okay. Bea-, whoo. All right, so Bunny Hop Bean Beau is a very fair-haired, intense, intense-looking, vacant-eyed guy with beard and mustache and glasses and very blue eyes and – does that hairstyle have a name?

Amanda: I feel like it’s like the Proud Boy hairstyle.

Sarah: Yeah, it’s very close on the side and very curved and –

Amanda: Floppy on top.

Sarah: – puffy but also looks a little shellacked on top, and Bean, Bean or Beau, whichever is this guy’s name, is standing in front of a bunch of rabbit and egg garlands against a plastic background, or a purple background, but is holding an extremely small cell phone?

Amanda: That’s a very tiny phone, for sure.

Sarah: Yeah. Like, this guy – let’s just say his name is Chet – Chet is booking a table for you at a restaurant, but he’s not telling you where it is, and it’s down the street from his house, but it’s like a two-hour train ride for you. But it’s going to be great!

Amanda: I also just realized if you look at his left arm – so our right, his left –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – what’s happening to his skin?

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: Is that a tattoo or, like –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: – we’re cutting him out of a previous background –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: – and we forgot a piece.

Sarah: That is, there is a very weird shadow on his arm. Or maybe he’s part slug shifter and that’s the part that shifts? ‘Cause that kind of look –

Amanda: …body snatcher.

Sarah: Yeah, ooh, that’s creepy! Yep.

Amanda: And there’s something about this man’s eyes that I do not love. They are “happy” but, like, soulless.

Sarah: That person’s really hyper.

Amanda: He’s not alive, right? Like – [laughs] –

Sarah: He’s, he’s very, he is both dead and extremely intense. Like, he’s the type of person –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – that is an incredibly intense driven human, but then when you talk to them you’re like, Oh wow, there’s no there there.

Amanda: That man’s a cyborg.

Sarah: That is a very driven husk of a person with some very – I have to question the shirt because the shirt seems to be –

Amanda: It reminds me –

Sarah: – striped?

Amanda: – of, like, those – yeah, but the shirt is doing some weird stuff where it makes me think of like a Magic Eye poster?

Sarah: Ohhh –

Amanda: Where if you stare at it long enough –

Sarah: – yeah. Those never work for me.

Amanda: – it’ll form an image or whatever. I could never get them to work for some reason.

Sarah: I could never get them to work either. But it –

Amanda: I feel like it was all lies. Okay.

But now the real contender. So you can kind of see the trajectory that I’m on –

Sarah: Bunny Hop –

Amanda: – with covers.

Sarah: – the Bean. Yeah, Bunny Hop Bean or Beau.

Amanda: Bunny Hop Bean.

Sarah: ‘Kay.

Amanda: This one, I feel like, not only is the cover bad, but I also have to read you the description.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: Because to me it makes no sense.

Sarah: Ooh, can you get through the description without laughing?

Amanda: I don’t think so.

Sarah: All right.

What. The Fuck. Is this? What?!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: What?!

Amanda: I have, I typed in like Easter erotica romance. [Laughs]

Sarah: Well, it says that right there, Easter Erotica, in drippy white letters over his crotch: ew.

Amanda: Yes. Yeah, it’s –

Sarah: Ew!

Amanda: – the font is like an ooze font.

Sarah: Why is it oozing? Okay, so again we have got closely cropped hair on the side and puffy, shellacked hair on the top. I’m convinced this hairstyle has a name. And this guy is very chiseled? Like, I think he’s had buckle fat removal. His face is very chiseled.

Amanda: Yeah. That’s fair.

Sarah: Yeah, it – do you remember when everyone had a bread maker and you would get the loaves of –

Amanda: …bread is very –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – very shaped.

Sarah: Yeah, it’s very cylindrical, and then it has a big, puffy top? His face looks like bread machine bread: it’s very cylindrical along the jaw, and then it’s very puffy around his eyes.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It, like, he, he has a face like bread machine loaves of bread. And of course he’s not wearing a shirt –

Amanda: No.

Sarah: – and has about fifteen abdominal muscles –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – plus some obliques. Signs of dehydration. Extremely low, tight, white jeans?

Amanda: White jeans in a field!

Sarah: Yeah, that’s –

Amanda: What a brave soul.

Sarah: I don’t wear white pants anywhere, but certainly not –

Amanda: No.

Sarah: – in an Easter egg hunt with giant fucking Easter eggs, like, laid by giant alien bunnies! He’s in some – and it’s a brown field! Like, it’s muddy!

Amanda: It’s dead, yeah…

Sarah: That guy’s shoes are a mess!

Amanda: …Oh yes.

Sarah: Yep!

Amanda: And it’s clearly, he has two, it’s clearly two footballs in his hands, but they’re painted neon pink to look like Easter eggs.

Sarah: Well, the one on the right, our right, has the, has a green stem?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: It kind of looks like an eggplant but gone wrong? Nuclear eggplant?

Amanda: He’s, he also has a little, like, a neckerchief?

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: And very tiny bunny ears.

Sarah: Yes, and that neckerchief is, is, is embedded into his trapezius muscle; it is, like, digging in the back there.

Amanda: And there’re what looks to be giant eggs behind him. Like, literally hay-bale-sized eggs.

Sarah: Wow.

Amanda: Okay, now the description.

Sarah: Okay. Whoa! Um –

Amanda: The –

Sarah: [Reverse gasps]

Amanda: The first line is – and Brian’s in the room for this, and I, I worry about – [laughs] – him hearing this.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: “The Easter Bunny is shredded, absolutely clueless… and bent on feeding me his honey.”

Sarah: Nooo! Wait, why does he have honey? It’s a rabbit! That’s, no! No?

Amanda: …have honey!

Sarah: No, that’s not, no! No, no, no! Okay, first of all, that’s a mixed species metaphor; that does not work. I could understand if they said “feeding me his eggplant,” because the one on the right there does kind of look like an eggplant.

Amanda: Yeah. Now, the, the rest of the stuff: “When I see the buff stranger in my garden” –

Sarah: Oh God.

Amanda: – “I think he’s just a figment of my imagination. I am a divorcee so starved for romance, it’s possible I am seeing stuff – especially if stuff is heavenly buff and equipped with rabbit ears and a fluffy ball of a tail.”

Sarah: Mm! Oh!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: No!

Amanda: “By the time I realize he’s real, it’s too late. Derek” – I’m assuming Derek is the son and not the name of the Bunny – “Derek, who still believes in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, has seen him and is asking all kinds of questions about the Easter Bunny in our garden. Questions” –

Sarah: My stomach hurts.

[Laughter]

Amanda: “Questions” –

Sarah: This makes me feel bad in my tummy!

Amanda: – “the stranger is happy enough to answer while bribing us with chocolate eggs and gifts. And when I’m finally alone with him, it turns out his visit was not a coincidence. He has many more gifts for me, and his lack of experience won’t stop him from giving me everything I need. His masculine energy, insatiable curiosity, and intoxicating flavor” –

Sarah: Ohhh!

Amanda: – “soon have me hooked. And what will happen when Easter ends?

“A steamy novella with a himbo Easter Bunny, a special flavor” –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: – “HEA, and lots of fluff.”

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: There you go!

Sarah: That made me feel bad in my tummy.

Amanda: I’m just stuck on honey.

Sarah: Yeah! I can’t get past that, especially with the drip font. Does it have to say Easter Erotica in a drippy font over his crotch? I, this is just re- –

Amanda: It does. It’s mandatory.

Sarah: No. I don’t think it does, and I –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – wow!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: You know, I –

Amanda: Sarah, I was like, there’s got to be some freaky Easter covers. That’s, that’s what I was thinking of. He hath risen –

Sarah: He –

Amanda: – Sarah.

Sarah: He did hath risen –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – and you’re going to Hell. Just, just so you know!

Amanda: [Laughs more]

Sarah: You going to Hell.

It’s very funny that you brought up Bunny Hop Bean and Drip Bunny the Eggplant Man? Because I was googling spring erotica, and specifically –

Amanda: Okay!

Sarah: – pollen erotica, because I know that it is allergy season for you, and I thought, you know –

Amanda: Yeah, yesterday was bad.

Sarah: Right? Like, tree pollen is real bad here. And it occurred to me –

Amanda: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: – that, you know, there’s a lot of monster-fucking?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: There’s a lot of monster-fucking. Like, if you, if you google the most obscure Wikipedia unknown monsters, like monsters no one’s ever heard of, I promise you there is a whole raft of Kindle Unlimited titles of people fucking whatever that is. Like, there’s –

Amanda: Yeah, for sure.

Sarah: – lots and lots of monster-fucking happening right now, and I thought, okay, someone has written pollen-fucking, but no. I could not find any pollen-fucking romance.

Amanda: There’s no Chuck Tingle of, like…

Sarah: Pounded in the Ass –

Amanda: …allergies…

Sarah: Pounded in the Ass by the Tree Pollen? No!

Amanda: …like, by the Sentient Tree Pollen Billionaire.

Sarah: No!

Amanda: There’s nothing like that? Okay.

Sarah: I really, I was really looking. So –

Amanda: Chuck, you got to give us a springtime treat, please…

Sarah: Somebody needs to write, you know, the, the people who suffer from allergies but also like monster-fucking are, are an un- –

Amanda: Sure.

Sarah: – untapped market. Right?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: And you already got Kleenex, so cleanup is a breeze here.

So I have two covers that I was trying to find, you know, the adequate representation of –

Amanda: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: – pollen? And then I have two Old Skool covers that I just want to show with you, share with you because they are just –

Amanda: Sure!

Sarah: – they’re just glorious. So this is the runner-up for representation of pollen-fucking.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Is Monster Hearts, Heart of a Kraken by Cara Wylde. Would you please describe this cover?

Amanda: So this man almost looks like Drax from the Guardians of the Galaxy.

Sarah: He does look a little bit like Drax, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Amanda: But he’s blue. So from the waist up he’s buff and bald and he’s blue –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – and he has some kind of like design on his chest.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: One arm is normal.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: The other arm is a tentacle.

Sarah: It’s either tentacles or, if you zoom in, it just could be Photoshopped Coke cans that have been stuck to his arm.

Amanda: Oh my God!

Sarah: Because they kind of look like pull-tab Coke cans.

Amanda: They do. Sarah, I’m, like, leaning in.

Sarah: Yeah!

[Laughter]

Amanda: Yes. They’re very –

Sarah: I, I was very close to my screen looking at this, thinking, are those cans of beans on his arm? [Laughs]

Amanda: They’re very big suctions, for sure.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: And then the bottom half of his body looks like it’s made of, like, rocks.

Sarah: Right?

Amanda: And they come up in these, like, swirly, long, like, tentacles or, like – they’re very long. And it reminds me of, like, really burnt curly fries.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Like, you left, you got high, and you left the curly fries in the oven too long –

Sarah: Oh my God!

Amanda: – and they are charred to a crisp.

Sarah: Oh my God.

Amanda: And then he’s, you know, hanging out in front of maybe an exploding star.

Sarah: Yeah! With one arm up. Like –

Amanda: One arm up!

Sarah: – like he is pumping, he is fist-pumping –

Amanda: Fist-pumping.

Sarah: – the sky.

Amanda: Suction pumping.

Sarah: This guy is a rock lobster, this guy.

Amanda: Speaking of lobsters, I was on Warcraft hunting eggs –

Sarah: As you do.

Amanda: – and I saw a guild name in all caps, and the title of the guild was LOBSTER GO PEENCH PEENCH, and not even –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – not even PINCH. It was PEENCH, P-E-E-N-C-H, and that was the name of this guild is LOBSTER GO PEENCH PEENCH.

Sarah: So Heart of a Kraken, he’s fist-pumping, he’s a rock lobster –

Amanda: Curly-fry kraken.

Sarah: He’s a, he’s a burnt-curly-fry Kraken monster, kind of looks like Drax, has Coke bottles glued to his forearm. That’s what I thought the best representation –

Amanda: You thought springtime.

Sarah: – of pollen would be. Like, I was trying to represent the misery of allergies.

But then, then I found this guy. Yeaahh. All right –

Amanda: I can’t even read that font!

Sarah: I don’t know what the cover is. I don’t know what the cover is, but I just want to point out that the author’s name is at the top, and the title –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – is at the bottom next to the author’s photo? So I really thought –

Amanda: Wait, is that the author’s photo, or is that supposed to be a character photo?

Sarah: I thought it was because it, visually, it suggests that that’s the author, unless that’s just the character of the book? I thought it was the author!

Amanda: Okay. So –

Sarah: Okay, so describe – there’s so much going on here.

Amanda: I think it’s the character, because the book cover is supposed to look like a dating app.

Sarah: Right, it, it’s, the, the cover is a hand holding a phone, and then the phone –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – is the – right? It, okay, there’s a lot going on in here.

Amanda: I think the woman is supposed to be, like, that’s her profile picture.

Sarah: Ohhh!

Amanda: That’s the main character’s profile picture. And I can’t tell if this is supposed to be Married, or, sorry, Matched to Griim with two Is? Or Matched to Grum, as, like, an unfinished U?

Sarah: I don’t know.

Amanda: I can’t tell what it’s supposed to be. But it’s a hand holding a phone.

Sarah: Right. It’s a white hand holding a phone

Amanda: White hand holding a phone.

Sarah: With four fingers, not five. [Laughs]

Amanda: That’s true; there’s no pinky resting on the bottom, usually. And it’s supposed, the, the phone screen is supposed to mimic a dating app, because in the bottom right hand corner is like a profile photo in, like, a little heart. And then the phone, that says Monster Match at the top, and then I guess a photo of the monster she’s matching with.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: This –

Sarah: This makes way more sense.

[Laughter]

Amanda: This individual is gold and has –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – from the bot-, from the waist down is a snake.

Sarah: Yes, is a shiny gold snake.

Amanda: A shiny gold snake, and then from, like – we’ll just talk torso before we get to the head.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Torso –

Sarah: We’ve got to break this down!

Amanda: We’ve got to do, yeah. Torso: he has abs, but on the abdominals are little tufts of hair? And then he has four arms, two on each side, and tufts of black hair at his throat and on his shoulders, like little shoulder pads.

Sarah: Of hair.

Amanda: Of hair! Black hair. And then –

Sarah: It’s beautiful hair, though; there’s not a bit of frizz.

Amanda: No, and then his hands are clawed, so there’s, like, little black, long nails. And then his face: so he has long, flowing, white hair parted in the middle.

Sarah: No frizz: gorgeous conditioning job there. Just really beautiful blowout.

Amanda: Part, yeah. Parted in the middle, definitely Gen Z. Love that middle part.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And he’s, looks unhappy. He –

Sarah: He really does – yeah.

Amanda: He’s grimacing.

Sarah: As a representation of pollen, it, it works, right?

Amanda: [Laughs] Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah! Like, you –

Amanda: He’s, he’s ready to wreck shit, and he’s unhappy to be here.

Sarah: And I figure, like, the claws, like, he’s, he’s just going to claw up your sinuses and make you miserable. But yeah, you are right! I really thought that the picture in the lower right corner was the author picture. [Laughs] It didn’t –

Amanda: That would have been ballsy, for sure.

Sarah: That the dating app part did not occur to me! Wow.

Amanda: Yeah, I think it’s her profile photo. And the woman appears to be, like, an older woman –

Sarah: Yeah, her hair is –

Amanda: – with, like grayish-blonde –

Sarah: – gray. Yeah, yeah, it’s gray.

Amanda: – long hair, and she’s got glasses and a little bit of lipstick on, but we can’t see much of her; just, like, kind of her face, which is…

Sarah: Yeah. A little ambiguous.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It’s just like from the collarbone up, and then it’s in a heart shape.

Amanda: Also, we can, we can kind of see the background, like what’s behind her hand, and it’s like a sky and then like –

Sarah: His hand, you mean? Or the, the, the creature’s hand? We don’t know the gender of this creature.

Amanda: Oh, that’s true. The person who’s holding the phone, behind their hand.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: I’m assuming this is the woman’s hand, because the hand is not gold or clawed.

Sarah: Oh, this is very, this is very Inception. Okay, so the person who’s pictured, that’s their profile, and this is their match, so that’s their hand –

Amanda: I’m assuming…

Sarah: – holding the phone, okay, right.

Amanda: …or maybe this woman lost her phone and a person’s trying to figure out who this phone belongs to and is like, Wow, she was into some stuff!

Sarah: Let’s swipe right for her. Let’s swipe right and help them out.

Amanda: [Laughs] But, like, the, the background, which we can barely see, is like a pinkish-purple, like, gas cloud. It’s just all cloud.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: And then the ground looks like concrete with, like, weeds coming out of it. That’s what I see.

Sarah: It looks like some kind of a path, but the path is, like, full of red and green succulents or lichen or something. It doesn’t look –

Amanda: …yeah.

Sarah: – quite earthly.

Amanda: No. Also, who took this, this monster man’s photo?

Sarah: I really have questions about this creature’s dating profile?

Amanda: I appreciate the kind of like full-body photo, though. Like, good for her; good for them.

Sarah: Oh yeah! It, it helps to know that the, the pers-, your perspective partner is part gold snake. I mean, I think that’s very important information to have in this situation.

Amanda: But wow.

Sarah: Wow, right?

Amanda: What a presence.

Sarah: As a representation – [laughs] – of –

Amanda: I think I’ve seen this guy on Hinge, actually.

Sarah: Oh! Well, I mean –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – he’s the, he’s, it’s the, this, this creature is the embodiment of pollen to me!

Amanda: God, it, the coloring certainly is there.

Sarah: Whoo, yeah!

So I, I have some Old Skool covers just for fun.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Would you like to see them?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: Okay. So first, here is a cover whose title I cannot say out loud.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Back in the day we used to just use slurs on the cover.

Amanda: Ohhh boy.

Sarah: Yeah. Once he tasted her sweet, sultry lips, he fell under the spell of the Golden – Traveler, but that’s not the word they used.

Amanda: To be honest, I love the artistic detail in old covers.

Sarah: Oh, me too. Especially when there’s animals in the foreground and the background.

Amanda: Lots of birds.

Sarah: I’ll try to describe this. So this is –

Amanda: Very bird heavy.

Sarah: – this is, this is a Zebra; it cost $3.95 US; Canada was $5.50 for y’all; sorry about that. So this is – when was this published? Are you looking that up?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: 1987.

Sarah: All right! So I was twelve, and you were –

Amanda: Not born. [Laughs]

Sarah: Yeah, okay. So there we go!

Uh, poof! All right, so there’s a, a pair of people, both white, in front of some water, but I don’t see any indication of land, so I’m not sure what they’re standing on. Immediately behind her is water that looks very choppy and a multi-masted ship under sail, tilted, so clearly, like, there’s some wind going on here, and this does, this looks like rough seas. There’s seagulls behind them, but also seagulls, like, right in front of them, like right up against her skirt, like, like bird flapping on her legs, and it’s just so uncomfortable why are the birds so close I do not know. And the skirt –

Amanda: Do they have french fries in their pockets?

Sarah: I bet they do! I bet they have french fries and cat food, and the seagulls are like, Well, you’re, you’re going down.

The, the, the hero is sort of grasping her and has a very puffy shirt on, like extremely puffy, so that’s how you know probably a pirate, right?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: And the heroine is blonde with flowers behind their ear and, if you notice, blue flowers and matching blue eyeshadow to match the blue off-the-shoulder eyelet lace –

Amanda: That eyeshadow!

Sarah: – shirt. Yeah, blue eyeshadow. This is 1987: nailed it!

Amanda: There’s one cover, old cover that I would love to have made into a poster, but it, all of the images I’ve found online are so poor quality that, like, turning it into a poster would literally turn it into a blur.

Sarah: What cover is this?

Amanda: It is, I think it’s, is it the Spanish, Italian, mm – it’s either Spanish or Italian cover of Shanna by Kathleen Woodiwiss? And it’s Shanna on a horse whipping a man.

Sarah: OoOOoh!

Amanda: Yeah – she’s like, I am not having any of this. We’ve mentioned this, this cover on

apparently, ‘cause when I was searching for the image I found it through the site.

Sarah: Oh yeah. Oh wow! She really is – [laughs]

Amanda: She’s like, Let go of my horse!

Sarah: She’s going to beat his ass!

Amanda: …brandishing a riding crop and about to hit this man in the face with it.

Sarah: Les îles de la – that looks like it might be French?

Amanda: Maybe – it says Roman, so I don’t know.

Sarah: But –

Amanda: Yeah, it could be French.

Sarah: Les, the, the, the – it looks like there’s, I think that’s called a circumflex above the I? But I could be wrong; maybe that is Italian. Wow, she is about to whip his ass. That’s very –

Amanda: Yeah, I –

Sarah: That’s very satisfying!

Amanda: – absolutely love that cover…

Sarah: Even the horse is pissed off!

Amanda: I cannot find, like, a good, like, photocopy or scan of it anywhere to where it would look good.

Sarah: So what you’re going to have to do is you’re going to have to plan a trip to a city that has lots of used bookstores and try to find a real copy of this book in a used bookstore –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – or haunt eBay for it. See if you can get a copy and then take the physical copy and scan it.

Amanda: Yeah. Listeners, if you see this out in the wild, shoot me an email or a –

Sarah: Les îles de la passion!

Amanda: – a tweet or something…

Sarah: Yeah. All, I mean, obviously these will all be in the show notes and you can see them, but –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – wow! Gorgeous!

Amanda: One of my favorite Old Skool covers. [Laughs]

Sarah: This, this gentleman does not have much of a booty, though.

Amanda: No!

Sarah: Like –

Amanda: He does not.

Sarah: – I don’t think those legs can hold up that torso.

Amanda: [Laughs] It’s just going to collapse –

Sarah: It’s kind of like reflecting –

Amanda: – at any second.

Sarah: Where’s the horse’s fourth leg?

Amanda: Maybe behind the man.

Sarah: Or embedded in his chest. Where the hell is the horse’s fourth leg? Where is it?!

Amanda: Yeah, it’s stomping on his foot. Get out of here!

Sarah: She is going to beat his ass, and I love it!

Amanda: I also like how she’s unbothered. She’s like, Ugh, this guy again?

Sarah: Oh.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: I’ve got a whip; I’m sitting sidesaddle; let go of my horse’s reins; I’m going to beat your ass. I love it. I love it!

Amanda: Yeah. [Laughs]

Sarah: I, I do not blame you for wanting that!

And then there’s this cover. This is, this is, again, one of those situations where the covers that you find online are very poor scans?

Amanda: Oh my goodness.

Sarah: But if you look at what is going on in this cover, this is Passions –

Amanda: Lots of purple!

Sarah: Purple! Purple, purple, purple. Passions of the Realm. That says realm, right?

Amanda: I think so?

Sarah: I think it’s Passions of the Realm –

Amanda: Yes. Yes.

Sarah: – by Joan Balser. What are they sitting on or in?

Amanda: I, I just, I’m guessing like a, supposed to be a picnic of some sort? I see a basket.

Sarah: And I couldn’t figure out if that was a boat or a picnic basket, because I’m still not clear what they’re sitting on when they’re surrounded by water, and then there’s this sort of flag behind them, right?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah. So describe what’s going on here.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: I mean, if you can. It’s –

Amanda: Lots of purple. Okay, so we’re going to start from the top and work our way down.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Purple sky, naturally. Totally normal. And there’s like a castle in the distance, and then some sort of green, gauzy flag? I think it’s supposed to be a flag –

Sarah: Or –

Amanda: – or curtain –

Sarah: – scarf.

Amanda: – or scarf blowing into the cover. There are two people, maybe on a picnic blanket? What is that? Okay. Sarah, can, maybe you know what the hell this is.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: So there’s –

Sarah: Probably not.

Amanda: – of course also a black horse in the background.

Sarah: There has to be a horse; if there’s not birds there’s a horse. It’s the rule.

Amanda: But, but beneath the horse there’s like a helmet of some sort near its butt.

Sarah: Right. That’s –

Amanda: And then there’s this, like, blue fabric panel.

Sarah: I, when I first saw this –

Amanda: What is that?

Sarah: – I thought they were on a flying carpet. I saw the blue –

Amanda: Okay. Or a carriage? The back of a carriage?

Sarah: I don’t, I really thought –

Amanda: Like an open wagon?

Sarah: – that that was a blue flying carpet and that they were being, they were on a flying – I was like, Oh, is this an Aladdin rip-off? Or is this a, are they, he’s going to show her the world? Is that what’s happening here? I don’t know what that is. It makes no sense in context.

Amanda: I…

Sarah: Because there’s also more wicker –

Amanda: …back of wagon!

Sarah: There’s more wicker –

Amanda: Lots of wicker.

Sarah: – behind the, the carpet panel, but underneath –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – the weird helmet there’s more wicker, which is then, I thought, Oh, they’re in a boat! Well, but why would you really be in a boat made of wicker?

Amanda: Also, so the man is shirtless behind her –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – and if you look over her right shoulder, there’s another blue patch. Is that his knee just, like, hiked up real high?

Sarah: This guy has very, very –

Amanda: Flexible.

Sarah: – loose hip flexors.

Amanda: Or, like, just another weird part of whatever structure they’re in.

Sarah: I, I don’t know. It’s weird. I mean, part of it could be the poor resolution of the image? But something is there, and I don’t know what it is.

Amanda: Hmm. It’s – and then the subtitle is “IN AN AGE OF PILLAGE AND PASSION, SHE LOVED A MAN SHE SHOULD HATE.”

So I don’t have a lot of Old Skool romances in my collection? But I do have this one.

Sarah: Can I pull your attention to one thing before we move on?

Amanda: Sure, of course.

Sarah: I just zoomed in?

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: I’m here also zooming. I’m ready.

Sarah: Okay. So if you look at his arm, he’s got this sort of cloth wrapped around his upper arm?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Her hand appears to be completely disconnected from her body. There’s no wrist; it’s just a floating hand. It’s like a floating Cousin It.

Amanda: There’s also – there are four hands in this cover –

Sarah: One, two, three, four. Yes, there are four.

Amanda: – but when you look at it, there’s something that triggers in my brain of, like, that’s too many hands.

Sarah: [Laughs] That’s too many fingers!

Amanda: I don’t know if it’s just, like, where their placement is, but I’m like, It seems like there are more than four hands, even though there’s not, if that makes sense.

Sarah: Yes! It really does seem like there’s too many hands and I have to stop and, I, I have to stop and, and, and, you know, count them all!

Amanda: This is one in my personal collection, and it since has a new cover for its Kindle version, and the new cover for the Kindle version is absolutely awful.

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: But this is the original cover. I own this in actual, physical form, and I love this cover.

Sarah: [Gasps] Love this cover!

Amanda: I love this.

Sarah: This is such a good cover!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: There’s –

Amanda: It’s Summer of the Unicorn by Kay Hooper.

Sarah: And is there a unicorn on the cover? Yes, there is.

Amanda: You bet your ass!

Sarah: Bet your ass there is!

Amanda: And birds! Horses and birds!

Sarah: Horses and birds and two different kinds of birds, ‘cause I think those are –

Amanda: But this –

Sarah: – some quail in the front.

Amanda: – this is the new one! How awful is this new one?

Sarah: No!

Amanda: Not a single unicorn or bird.

Sarah: That’s boring! That looks like something from the CW.

Amanda: Yes. [Laughs] You’re spot on with that!

Sarah: That looks like a CW show poster. So with this Summer of the Unicorn cover, is this another one that you would blow up to poster size if you had a higher resolution image of it?

Amanda: I think so! I love it!

Sarah: It’s very weird that she’s wearing like a lace-up blouse.

Amanda: Yeah, I feel like she’s in – can we see her legs? Is she in, like, pants? She’s, like, wearing pants!

Sarah: She is wearing pants! It looks like she’s just in-, she was just interrupted in the middle of some sort of, you know, hiking expedition. He’s got, like, no shirt and yellow pants, but she appears to be wearing pants and a lace-up shirt like she’s been hiking or something.

Amanda: Yeah! She’s like, I’m in this forest with these birds. There’s, like –

Sarah: And this unicorn?

Amanda: – also two different kinds of birds. There’s like a dove –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – and, like, these, like, purple quail…

Sarah: Pheasant –

Amanda: …birds.

Sarah: – pheasant-looking things. And that unicorn is about to come in and kill him.

Amanda: Yeah! And she’s probably finally like, Oh, thank God. Get out of here.

Sarah: In the mists of myth – which is not a phrase you should write for audio use –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – they found passion and triumph. Where are the mists of myth? Is that where she was hiking to?

Amanda: I guess! Where’s that located?

Sarah: And the difference between the old cover and the new cover is just staggering.

Amanda: Yeah! Like, there’s no unicorn. Also…

Sarah: He looks dead.

Amanda: …cover itself, idol aside, looks contemporary. Right? Like –

Sarah: Absolutely looks like a con-, looks like a CW cover.

Amanda: Yeah. It makes me so sad when I saw that new cover. It was like, What is this?

Sarah: Summer of the Unicorn, Thursdays at six. Like, yeah, it looks like a CW show! No question!

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of Cover Snark Live! Live, live. I hope you enjoyed that one. I had so much fun. Thank you to Amanda for bringing outstanding covers. What are your favorites? Do you have one that you would blow up to poster size and wear on the wall? Wear on the wall. Put on the wall. You could wear it if you wanted; I mean, that would also be cool. I would love to hear about it.

You can comment on the entry at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books. You can talk to me on Twitter or on Facebook, or you can join our Patreon and come to the Discord, ‘cause we have a whole channel just for discussing the latest episodes. But either way, I’m curious what covers are your faves.

As always, I end with a really bad joke. This week the joke is from Kate H., who is in our podcast Patreon Discord. Thank you, Kate!

How do you recognize the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

Give up? How do you recognize the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

Well, a weasel is weasel-y spotted, but a stoat is stoat-ally different.

[Laughs] You know how many times it took me to say that? I could not get through weasel-y spotted without laughing. I’m amazed that I did that. I think this might be like take three? [Still laughing] Thank you, Kate.

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, and we will see you back here next week.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[end of cool music]