430. A Very Silly Q&A with Amanda and Sarah

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Hello, and welcome to episode number 430 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, and with me today is Amanda. With the help of the podcast Patreon community, Amanda and I are answering very silly questions to help get all of us through what I am calling Hell Week. So if you are dealing, like me, with a little stress or feelings overwhelmed or neck deep in existential dread, we thought a little silliness might help. So this week we have an extremely silly Q&A with half of the Patreon community’s incredible questions. The other half will be a future episode. Think it’s the most goofy AMA you’ve ever heard. We’re going to talk about really goofy things, and there’s background construction noises, and the dog barks, and it’s just silly, so we hope this gets you through.

This episode is brought to you by If the Boot Fits by Rebekah Weatherspoon. The first book in the series, A Cowboy to Remember, received fantastic reviews and was a starred selection from several publications, and A Love So True named it a most-anticipated romance of the spring. And now it’s sequel time! If the Boot Fits is a fresh twist on Cinderella, as an aspiring screenwriter and personal assistant to a megawatt celebrity diva disappears after a one-night stand with the actor who won Best Actor the night of the Oscars. The only problem is, instead of leaving a slipper behind, she inadvertently runs off with his Oscar, leading him to track her down. When a second chance encounter happens, only a trip to Sam’s family ranch and revealing the whole always not glamorous truth about themselves will give them a chance to turn one magical night into forever. Set on a Black-owned luxury dude ranch with a fairytale twist, the second Cowboys of California romance by award-winning author Rebekah Weatherspoon absolutely sizzles. You can find If the Boot Fits by Rebekah Weatherspoon wherever books are sold. Find out more at kensingtonbooks.com.

This week I have a compliment for the entire Patreon community:

You are wonderful. Thank you for making this episode so much fun. Your questions were superb and funny, and you helped make this such an enjoyable episode to record. I hope it is just as much fun for you to listen to. You are creative and kind and funny and wise, and I am so grateful for your contributions to this episode.

If you would like to join the Patreon community, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches.

I have a new sponsor, too, which is really exciting for me. This episode is also brought to you by Hello Fresh, America’s number one meal kit. I am pretty excited to add Hello Fresh to our weekly menu, because the recipes are easy, pre-portioned, and they add something new to the meal schedule, which everyone in my household appreciates. Hello Fresh offers low-calorie, vegetarian, and kid-friendly options; ninety percent of their ingredients are sourced directly from growers; and everything is fresh and high quality. This past week we tried Buffalo Chicken Cutlets with Scallion Mashed Potatoes and Roasted Carrots and a Pasta Bolognese with Zucchini Noodles, which I’d never tried before and were actually pretty good. The instructions are my favorite part: they’re easy to follow and very clear, and that was a big bonus, because my thirteen-year-old was now in charge of making dinner. We’re pretty experienced cooks. He wanted to learn more, and the instructions were the perfect opportunity for him. We get to try new recipes that are easy to follow and delicious; he got to be in charge of cooking while we helped him out. It was a perfect Quarantimes dinner. Go to hellofresh.com/TRASHYBOOKS80 and use Trashy Books eight-zero [TRASHYBOOKS80] to get a total of eighty dollars off across five boxes, including free shipping on your first box. That’s hellofresh.com/TRASHYBOOKS80; use code TRASHYBOOKS80 to get a total of eighty dollars off across five boxes, including free shipping on your first box.

I will, of course, have links to everything we talk about in this episode, but let’s get started with total and complete silliness.

[music]

Sarah: Whoooa, nice background!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: That is a substantial amount of Halloween background right there.

Amanda: It was already in the settings or whatever – [laughs] – so I was like, sure, why not? There’s a bunch of –

Sarah: That’s pretty fly. I like that.

Amanda: – unfolded laundry on my bed. And for some reason it keeps wanting to pick up my giant, like, pillow that’s on the floor? See it?

Sarah: Of course! Right, yeah, there it is. It’s, well –

Amanda: I don’t –

Sarah: – it’s a similar color as the gray background with all the pumpkins.

Amanda: I guess. I don’t know why it keeps doing that.

Sarah: That’s super wild.

Amanda: [Laughs] And Linus is asleep with my laundry.

Sarah: Good for him! All right, I have so many good questions.

Amanda: Oh boy! [Laughs]

Sarah: I think we might have to do two episodes. Like, we might have to –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – connect and record, ‘cause I can only get through some of these; otherwise, we’ll be here for, like, three hours!

Amanda: Okay!

Sarah: But in the spirit of complete silliness, have you consumed the silliness?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: Ooh, what are those? Are those the –

Amanda: It’s my cho-, it’s chocolate!

Sarah: [Gasps] Ooh! I’m sorry, is that intensely delicious or intensely luxurious?

Amanda: Luxurious.

Sarah: Well, of course it’s luxurious; it’s got pot in it.

Amanda: Yeah. I took some at like one?

Sarah: Nice!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So you’re feeling pretty chill now.

Amanda: Yeah! I’m, I’m nosh-y. I want to just, like, snack on things.

Sarah: Well, I think that’s a known side effect?

Amanda: Yeah, so I’ve got mango slices, freeze-dried mango slices.

Sarah: Although it seems like a bit of a challenge for me that if you get your marijuana edibles in an edible format and then you get the munchies and there’s edibles there, you might edible the wrong the thing.

Amanda: I know! That’s the thing is, like –

Sarah: You’ve got have your snacks –

Amanda: – these gummies? 

Sarah: – strategically placed!

Amanda: The gummies are very good –

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: – and they taste a little tart. I could eat those; I could eat a bag of those.

Sarah: Right, exactly! I told you about how my sister-in-law sent me edibles, right?

Amanda: Mm-hmm!

Sarah: She went to Mass, so I sent her money for church.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I still have them. She sent them to me in December, and we’ve been very, very diligent about preserving them? So one of them is blue raspberry, and the other is pink lemonade, and they are freaking delicious!

Amanda: I think the one I have is, like, mimosa –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – so it’s, like, citrusy?

Sarah: I want to eat that now!

Amanda: Mm.

Sarah: All right, so are you ready for silliness and questions?

Amanda: I’m ready. I’ve got my juice!

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: And it blends in with the background too!

Sarah: Nice!

Amanda: Here we go. Cran- –

Sarah: You have a mason jar full of juice.

Amanda: Cran-ras.

Sarah: Nice. I’ve got water and a cat.

Amanda: I’ve got some seltzer, just in case.

Sarah: Well, the thing about it is, I always get a dry mouth. Like, my mouth gets really –

Amanda: Oh –

Sarah: – cottony?

Amanda: My eyes, weirdly enough, and my mouth get real dry.

Sarah: So since it is official start of Hell Week – it is Hell Day and Hell Week – I think we’re on the right track here.

Amanda: I had therapy this morning.

Sarah: Oh, even better! Like, you’re, you’re totally replenishing the well.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Did you just sort of get on the phone and go, ahhh!?

Amanda: I was like, today’s the day! And she’s like, yeah, today’s the day. So we talked about my mom –

Sarah: Oh boy.

Amanda: – for a hot second, and that’s it, and then it was just, like, election –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – for the rest of the fif-, like, forty-five minutes, forty minutes.

Sarah: Yep! I feel really bad for, for my son, because not only is he taking AP Government, so of course they’re studying the elect-, the election. In English they are reading Night by Elie Wiesel, which is about the Holocaust, and then he’s doing a project where he’s researching and presenting an informative discussion about the Rwandan genocide, so his whole week –

Amanda: So bummer on top of bummer –

Sarah: Right!

Amanda: – on top of bummer!

Sarah: And he’s got, yesterday, today, and tomorrow are, like, administrative work days, so he’s kind of off, which means that he has no schedule, and that’s not optimal, so, like, I’m just like, what do you need, dude? You want to go and get burritos? Go and get burritos; it’s fine.

Amanda: I – ooh! Burritos sound delicious!

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: I’m, I found a York Peppermint Patty on my desk.

Sarah: [Gasps] Surprise desk candy is the best candy!

Amanda: I know! I thought it was an empty wrapper, but it’s not!

Sarah: All right. Are you ready for the first silly question?

Amanda: Yep! Let’s go! I’m ready!

Sarah: All right, these, we got this, this all silliness. Our gift to the listening audience. All right.

Sue has the following two questions: one –

Amanda: Sue, I love you and I miss you!

Sarah: All right. “Amanda will hate this (is this why I’m doing it?!)”

Probably.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: “But: BEST CHRIS MUST BE ANSWERED. Aaaand go!”

Amanda: Chris Pine.

Sarah: Kristen Stewart.

Amanda: Ahhh!

Sarah: I accept the substitution, and I have seen so many people on Twitter say this, including Lorelie Brown and –

Wilbur: Mew! 

Sarah: – gosh, somebody else said it –

Amanda: Oh?

Sarah: – that, forget –

Amanda: Cat; I think a cat came in, or a dog.

Sarah: No, that was, that was the dog. He’s, he’s back. Hey, Z!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: What are you doing? Come here, Zeb. So the proposal was, instead of including Chris Pratt at all, because he has some objectionable qualities, just take him off altogether and make it really challenging. So you have Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pine, Chris Evans, Kristen Stewart!

Amanda: There’s some other good Chrises to throw in there. But the Chris debate isn’t hard for me at all. I’m a – I think I’ve talked about this – I’m a –

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: – a Pine-Nut.

Sarah: [Laughs] Pine-Nut!

Amanda: I think Chris Evans is overrated, and I feel like we just applaud him for being a decent white guy who looks good.

Sarah: I love the fact that Kristen, Chris – Kristen – Chris Hemsworth is basically a giant Australian Golden Retriever in –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – body builder form? He’s a lovely father and so adorable with his family, and –

Amanda: I love his hot dog story. Have you –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – have you ever heard of that?

Sarah: No!

Amanda: Some, like, paparazzo photographed him or something like that, and there was a caption of, like, Chris Hemsworth carries a hot dog. And he’s like, it wasn’t a hot dog; I was carrying my newborn daughter.

Sarah: Nooo!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Oh God.

Amanda: I think that’s what it was.

Sarah: So when you’re Chris Hemsworth, you are so physically impressive that a newborn looks like a hot dog in your hands.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Wow!

Amanda: But no. Chris Pine, especially because, didn’t he take, like, an erotica writing course?

Sarah: Yes!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: And allegedly, they wrote pretty good stuff. So some of –

Amanda: And he’s mysterious.

Sarah: He is. He knows when to just zip! So one of the things that happened when I asked this question – all of these questions, by the way, come from the Patreon community, and wow! did they show up for us – but I also asked people to answer their own questions if I could, so Sue’s answer is:

“Pratt has already left the building forever, so all other Chrises (including newcomer Pang) may stay. But the ranking is OBVIOUSLY: Evans, Hemsworth, Pine — I will fight anybody –“

Amanda: Wrong!

Sarah: “– who doesn’t put Evans first.”

Amanda: Wrong, Sue; you’re wrong! We –

Sarah: Fight, fight, fight!

Amanda: – Sue and I disagree fundamentally on a lot of things.

Sarah: Really.

Amanda: Red velvet? Garbage.

Sarah: [Laughs] And yet you like a good cream cheese icing!

Amanda: I love a cream cheese icing! I think red velvet’s just overrated.

Sarah: She also has a second question for you.

Amanda: Oh boy, Sue. Okay.

Sarah: “Also: What’s the best Nicolas Cage movie and why is it National Treasure?”

Amanda: Ooh! See, no.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Wrong, again! My favorite: Moonstruck.

Sarah: Oh, Moonstruck is so good! It’s one of my top five ‘80s movies!

Amanda: That’s like an earnest Nick Cage movie. Not like –

Sarah: I lost my hand!

Amanda: – the goof troop he’s morphed into.

Sarah: I will also say that Raising Arizona is a pretty good Nick Cage movie.

Amanda: I also liked Valley Girl! Enough of it –

Sarah: What about Con Air?

Amanda: Oh, Con Air is also very good!

Sarah: Put the bunny back in the box. I mean, I’ve actually had cause to say that regarding a rabbit who is currently sitting behind me.

Amanda: Sue, you really, like, I don’t know.

Sarah: Oh, wait a minute –

Amanda: – with National Treasure.

Sarah: On my movie To Watch list is the Nick Cage/Jay Baruchel version of The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

Amanda: Oh.

Sarah: Have you seen that?

Amanda: No. It holds no interest for me.

Sarah: Yeah, I have younger humans, so I try to find things that we’re all going to like, and I’m interested in showing them older movies to see if they hold up. Sometimes they do; sometimes not so much.

Amanda: No, I liked, I liked heartthrob Nick Cage in the ‘80s. I like those movies.

Sarah: I don’t blame you!

All right. The –

Amanda: Those weren’t hard!

Sarah: Well, we’ve got, we’ve gotten harder.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Lisa B. asks, “What is the weirdest item you keep by your bed? And which piece of clothing do you no longer wear but can’t throw away?”

Amanda: So piece of clothing that I can no longer wear but can’t throw away – this is terrible – is, I have an ex-boyfriend’s flannel. It is so comfortable, but I can’t wear it, and I can’t bring myself to throw it away either!

Sarah: Why can’t you wear it? If it’s comfortable and it’s yours, then game on! It’s winter!

Amanda: This, this was the boy-, like, the only boyfriend who, like, obliterated my heart into a million pieces. So –

Sarah: Is this the one you were dating when you started working for the site?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Oh, that fucker? [Hisses]

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Ooh! Can you have it made into something else? Because then you have the satisfaction of knowing that it was cut into pieces and then remade into something useful.

Amanda: I don’t know!

Sarah: If you want to send it to me, I’ll cut it up and make a flannel pad for Linus to sit on. Then it can be stamped with butthole.

Amanda: He does love putting his butthole on things.

Sarah: I mean, what cat doesn’t love stuff, sticking their butthole on things? [Laughs]

Amanda: And I’m, okay, so then –

Sarah: I don’t know if you can see this, by the way –

Amanda: I can see! Look at his little –

Sarah: – but –

Amanda: Yes, I –

Sarah: – he loves the catnip quilt pad that I made.

Amanda: Aw!

Sarah: Because in order to teach myself how to do all the parts of quilting, I cut up all my spare flannel fabric – that’s all flannel, so it’s nice and warm – and then in between the top and the filling and the bottom, I sprinkled catnip all over it and then quilted it and bound it? It is now his favorite.

Amanda: He loves it!

Sarah: I know! So if you want to send me this flannel, I could cut it into pieces – including a piece that looks like a big middle finger. I mean, I’ll get creative here.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I have a rotary cutter, and I’m not afraid to use it.

Amanda: It’s a very thick flannel, too. It’s, like, gray and white.

Sarah: Ooh, that is hard to throw away.

Amanda: I know. Okay, so weirdest thing by my bed.

Sarah: You’re right in front of your bed. You could literally turn around! [Laughs]

Amanda: My loose retainer? 

Sarah: I mean, I have my mouth guard, but it sits in the case, ‘cause otherwise the cat will be like, ooh, toy!

Amanda: I’m looking.

Sarah: [Laughs] You’re kidding! You have to go look at what’s on your bed!

Amanda: A roll, a roll of toilet paper!

Sarah: What are you doing in bed?

Amanda: Oh, it’s for my allergies.

Sarah: Oh, I see.

Amanda: But mo-, it’s mostly books. I think I have a pair of tweezers next to my bed. So nothing too weird, I feel like.

Sarah: All right.

Amanda: Maybe like old condoms in the drawer?

Sarah: I mean –

Amanda: That’s not weird. That’s practicing safe sex.

Sarah: Obviously. So Lisa’s answer is, “Well the weirdest thing by bed on the bedside table is a pair of bright red fuzzy socks. My feet get really cold at night.”

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: That seems logical. And she says, “I have a blazer with really wide lapels and a pair of pants from the 70s that I can no longer fit my big toe in, but I just can’t throw them out. I loved them!”

Amanda: That’s fair.

Sarah: Fair!

Amanda: The weirdest, the weirdest thing in my house, though, is probably my taxidermied otter –

Sarah: I was going to say –

Amanda: – in the living room.

Sarah: – taxidermy is probably the weirdest thing.

Amanda: Easy.

Sarah: So the piece of clothing I can’t throw out is a pair of six-dollar corduroy pants that I got at Kohl’s. They’re, I believe, like, Panama Jack or Bahama Jack; like, they’re really, really loose. They’re about five to six sizes too big, and they are a shade of green that can only be compared to something disgustingly biological. Like, they are not a good –

Amanda: Is it, like, a chartreuse?

Sarah: Kind of like a, like a bad baby poop green.

Amanda: Oh God.

Sarah: Yeah, really like a faded sort of half muddy green, and they’re corduroy –

Amanda: Why can’t you get rid of them?

Sarah: I just, they are so delightfully ugly, I keep them around.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And sometimes I wear them to garden. Like, I’ll put, I’ll put, like, a belt on and I’ll roll them up, ‘cause they’re also, of course, too long, ‘cause all pants are too long for me. But every time I look at them it goes, oh, those are my six-dollar ugly green corduroy pants! So I still have them.

And the weirdest thing by my bedside table, or in my bedside table – see, I have one of those, one of those sunrise lamps, but that’s not really weird; that’s just my clock. I have my, my mouth guard so I don’t grind my teeth into oblivion. Wow, has my mouth guard been doing its job. I think that the heroes of my house at this point are the dishwasher, the washing machine, and my mouth guard.

Amanda: I’ve cracked my plastic retainer.

Sarah: Holy crap! Damn! I think it’s probably the two jars of marijuana edibles that I hid in the bedstand so no one would know where they are, but now everyone on the internet knows where they are. But you can’t –

Amanda: Mine are –

Sarah: – come in my house, ‘cause there’s a quarantine!

Amanda: Mine are on my table, so I take one before I go to bed. But –

Sarah: See, I have teenagers, and sometimes the teenagers have other teenagers – not now, but in the prior times – so I hid them in the bedside drawer. Oh, and my doll that I’ve had since I was a year old. That’s not weird, though.

Amanda: Oh, that’s cute.

Sarah: Yeah, it’s the same as my tattoo. Although my tattoo is much smaller than the actual doll. So yeah, the, my doll is in there guarding my edibles, because that’s –

Amanda: Now I’m looking –

Sarah: – what you should do with your childhood best friend, right?

Amanda: – at stuff on my desk. Like, what’s the weirdest thing on my desk?

Sarah: Oh, the weirdest thing on my desk, as I sit here: let’s see, I have a rubber band ball from Christina Lauren and a –

Amanda: Aw!

Sarah: – blue crystal ball, but here, hang on, this is the weirdest thing. I have a solar-activated Queen Elizabeth who waves her hand when the sun hits her purse. Can you see her hand, the little, just hand –

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: Yeah, when the sun hits the little solar panel on her purse, her hand waves back and forth. I got this as a prize during Passover, and I just keep it by my desk.

Amanda: I think the two weirdest things, I have a –

Sarah: And now she’s waving at me.

Amanda: – a talking gudatama –

Sarah: As you, as you do, yeah, okay.

Amanda: – the lazy egg –

Sarah: Lazy egg.

Amanda: He says meh.

Sarah: Meh.

Amanda: And then –

Sarah: I also say meh, dude. I get you.

Amanda: – a rock –

Sarah: A rock.

Amanda: – from when I got blackout drunk at my old apartment, and it was for my birthday, and Stephanie and my friend Sara, who now lives in Austin, helped me home, and you, we would cut through this parking lot for a day care, and for some reason after the snow melts there would just be these weird little smooth rocks, and we don’t know where they, like, came from, but when Stephanie was ushering me home, apparently I just picked up a rock.

Sarah: As, as you do. All things –

Amanda: And then I –

Sarah: – make sense when you’re drunk.

Amanda: And then I woke up and it was, like, in my bed the next day, and I asked Stephanie, why is there a rock in my bed? But I’ve just kept it, and it just sits on my desk.

Sarah: Well, why not?

Amanda: My drunken rock.

Sarah: Well, your drunken friend rock, ‘cause your friends made sure you got home safely.

Amanda: Yeah. They stopped me, also, from taking my shoes off in the subway.

Sarah: See, these are good friends. It’s good to have friends like this.

Amanda: Mm-hmm!

Sarah: All right, next question. From Becca: “Not romance-related –“

Amanda: ‘Kay.

Sarah: “ – but VERY goofy nevertheless: – “

Amanda: Okay!

Sarah: “Would you rather have a sneeze attack every time you spoke in public OR fart loudly every time you were in a quiet room?”

Amanda: Ooh, that’s tough. How quiet?

Sarah: And how many people are in the quiet room? Like, if it’s just you in a quiet room, who cares?

Amanda: Is it, so, like, speaking in public, you just mean, like, speaking to someone in public? Or, like, public speaking, like giving a speech?

Sarah: I’m going to go with public speaking, rather than speaking in pub- –

Amanda: Then it’s that one.

Sarah: That one? Yeah, I think so too, because –

Amanda: That happens less, I feel like.

Sarah: Yeah, especially right now. No one’s asking me to talk about anything except here in this microphone, and this doesn’t count as public speaking, or I wouldn’t be, I wouldn’t be sneezing. I’m definitely going with sneezing. Because –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – farting loudly is annoying.

Amanda: And there’s a smell component.

Sarah: [Laughs] Yes, thank you, there is a smell component!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And I mean, I have dogs, and the weird thing about dog farts is that they don’t break up. Like, you know –

Amanda: They linger.

Sarah: – a fart will dissipate. They, the fart of a dog will travel in a cloud and will march carefully around the room and hit each person individually.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So, like, if we’re all sitting in one room and I smell it and then, like, Adam is to my left, two or three seconds later he’ll be like, oh, oh God, it hit me! Oh, oh, get ready! And then it will just –

Amanda: It’s like Duck, Duck, Goose with a dog fart.

Sarah: Yes! It will happily just travel around the room and affect everyone, one by – it’s so weird. Dog farts are very strange. I don’t know why there’s not more scientific –

Amanda: They’re a brand of their own.

Sarah: Right! There should be more scientific study of the weird properties of dog farts. Like, why don’t they dissipate?

Amanda: Scientists, once you’re done with the vaccines –

Sarah: Yeah, you know, when you –

Amanda: – we’ve got a new project for you.

Sarah: Free, free, free idea. You can have it.

Okay, next question. Laura S.: “What – “

And we might have talked about this already.

“What’s your go to Halloween candy? Like you look in the bucket and snatch it up first before someone else takes it.”

Laura’s answer is: “Reese’s. Always. If there are no Reese’s (i.e. you need better neighbors) I go for Snickers.”

Amanda: Ooh, Snickers is gross, one.

Sarah: [Laughs] Snickers is quite a dividing line in my house too.

Amanda: Twix! I like a Twix. I mean, Reese’s are very good.

Sarah: Oh, Twix are good. Mmm, Twix are good.

Amanda: But I, I do love – I’m, I’m a texture person, so I like different textures, and normally I just put, like, my Reese’s in the freezer.

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: I go with, in terms of, like, general candy, Twix is what I would go with.

Sarah: And so for Halloween, with the, with the little bars.

Amanda: That’s fine!

Sarah: Yep. I hear you.

Amanda: But Twix, yeah.

Sarah: So this year, for Halloween, Halloween trick-or-treating was canceled, and my neighbors started dropping candy on the porch for my kids, and I was like, well, they will never know if this was not delivered, ‘cause they didn’t know about it, and one neighbor gave out full bars! Full bars!

Amanda: Wow!

Sarah: Yeah, there was a Snickers bar and a Milky Way bar, and I was like, this is going to cause a war!

Amanda: Good for them!

Sarah: Yeah, I was like, ah – and then, they’re my next-door neighbor, so I saw them over the fence, and I didn’t realize that they had had some family over to take pictures, ‘cause they have little kids, and little kids at Halloween is, you know –

Amanda: Aw!

Sarah: – a BFD?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So I was like, full bars? You guys are a full-bar house now! You better live up to that! And my, this person turns around who I thought was my neighbor, and it was her mom. So I’m just yelling at her mom about full bars, and she was very confused until my neighbor actually came around the tree and was like, yes! Full bars this year: we’re not messing around.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Other people had, like, tables of candies, like, Please Take One, so I delivered big bags, like Ziploc bags of candy that I had bagged two weeks in advance, because one of my neighbors was also going to care for her father, who just had hip replacement surgery, so she was, like, completely isolated for two weeks, so I thought the Halloween candy the night before she leaves should also be isolated for two weeks, so I bagged everything up two week to go, two weeks ago, and it was really hard to part with the Reese’s – and we’ve talked about this; I know you think I’m an old fogey, but I love 100 Grand. Any, any candy bar with crisp rice and chocolate is some good shit. It’s a texture thing!

Amanda: Heck yes! Who in the – I don’t, bleah, no. I was thinking about him, just trying to defend you, but I can’t do it.

Sarah: Sometimes when there’s a half day here – and we’re doing full-time virtual schooling, so, you know, it’s like, oh yay, the schedule has ended early – I drive the kids to the nearest Wawa, ‘cause Wawa is their favorite thing, and the Wawa that we go to has the biggest candy aisle I have ever seen in a convenience store. It’s –

Amanda: I love a candy aisle.

Sarah: The candy aisle is incredible, and it’s not, and then there’s, like, a whole other candy aisle for, like, the gummy stuff and the sour stuff and the chips and the pretzels. Just the chocolate: it’s the whole length of the store. It’s amazing, and it is a lot of indecision when you walk up to a really good candy, candy aisle.

Amanda: I miss having access to Wawa. They don’t get this far north.

Sarah: That’s unfortunate. Please pardon the noise, by the way; I’m having construction done outside. Djoo-djoo-djoo. The dogs are really not happy about this. Like, they can see hum- –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – like, they can see the humans, the humans are right outside the window, and they’re like, what are you doing? Why are you still here? Why haven’t you gone away? I barked already. All right, I’ll bark some more.

Okay, Phoebe asks a truly terrible question.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Are you ready?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: “You can only have Night Cheese or Night Wine for the rest of your life, which one?”

Amanda: Cheese.

Sarah: You’re not even going to ponder this one? It’s Night Cheese.

Amanda: Day Wine, Night Cheese, done.

[Laughter]

Sarah: So you’re going to have day drinking, night cheese.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: I’m going, I’m going with Night Wine all the way. Can’t eat that much cheese.

Amanda: Okay!

Sarah: You can have my cheese!

Amanda: All right!

Sarah: But what cheese?

Amanda: I, I love a little cheese and cracker before bed.

Sarah: [Laughs] Do you ever watch Bob Burg-, Bob’s Burgers?

Amanda: No, I don’t.

Sarah: One of the characters is, the, the middle son Gene is, is fabulously wonderful, but at one point he goes, I’m going to bed and I’m not speaking to anyone, and I will get up for my 3 a.m. cheese plate, and then I’m going back to bed! Apparently, every night at three in the morning he has a cheese plate, and I think this is a habit –

Amanda: I love a cheese plate.

Sarah: – you could get into!

Amanda: I’d love it.

Sarah: What makes a good cheese plate? Let’s talk about cheese with someone who has the munchies: this is a good plan.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: It’s a good, good plan!

Amanda: So if I had to design my own, like, charcuterie board – [laughs] –

Sarah: Oh damn, now it’s on! Oh boy.

Amanda: Okay, let’s talk accoutrements first –

Sarah: Okay, okay.

Amanda: – before we get to the cheese. Gherkins, some nice pickles.

Sarah: All the way gherkins; gherkins are the shit.

Amanda: I love, like, a, a fig, fig jam.

Sarah: Mm.

Amanda: Some honey.

Sarah: I just love figs.

Amanda: Yeah. Honey.

Sarah: Yep. We haven’t even –

Amanda: Maybe –

Sarah: – gotten to the cheese yet, whoo!

Amanda: I know. Maybe some hot brown mustard.

Sarah: Like the, the, the gritty kind.

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: Yeah. Okay, and then crackers. Well, first you have to have, like, a crostino, I think.

Sarah: Yeah. Definitely.

Amanda: Something softer, so, like, some soft, like, crusty bread pieces. I love the, if you get, like, a cracker assortment, there’s, like, a sesame seed one usually?

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: So if I do, like, I would put those.

Sarah: But you’re not going for any main, like, main name-brand crackers. Like, you’re not like, you know, give me some Triscuits, some Wheat Thins. I don’t think Ritz crackers go very well with charcuterie –

Amanda: No.

Sarah: – ‘cause they have too much flavor.

Amanda: A Triscuit would be nice; I do like the garden herb Triscuits. Meats, I do like a couple meats. So a salami; I’m a big fan of salami.

Sarah: All the jokes just ran to the front of my brain and collided with one another.

Amanda: Being a fan of salami –

Sarah: Yes, I, I heard you –

Amanda: – all salami –

Sarah: – and I’m still laughing.

[Laughter]

Amanda: – literal and figurative salami.

Sarah: [Laughs] Somewhere Eric is annoyed, and he doesn’t know why!

Amanda: [Laughs] I also like, as Eric would say, some pro-shoot.

Sarah: Oh God!

Amanda: Prosciutto.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: Delicious, nice –

Sarah: Hey. Hey.

Amanda: What? You’re going to tell your Italian joke? [Laughs]

Sarah: Hey, you want to hear the joke that Adam made up that I already told you?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: [Laughs] There’s a bonus joke in this episode!

What did the Italian guy dress up as for Halloween?

A gaba-ghoul!

Amanda: When I told Eric, I, like, really played it up, so I was like –

Sarah: Aw.

Amanda: – a gaba-ghoooul!

Sarah: I’m so proud!

Amanda: He did not like it.

[Laughter]

Amanda: Not a bit.

Sarah: So a capicola, if you’re in the rest of the country –

Amanda: Capicola.

Sarah: – but if you’re in the, here in the northeast and you’re Italian, it’s gabagool!

Amanda: And then to the cheese.

Sarah: Oh yes, to the cheese!

Amanda: Goat cheese, number one. 

Sarah: Hell yeah. Herb, rolled in anything, something on the outside, or just slapping it down?

Amanda: Either/or. I do like the, what is it, like the Craisin-crusted goat cheese log?

Sarah: Oh yeah, ‘cause you got that tang of the dried cranberries?

Amanda: Super good.

Sarah: Super delicious, I agree.

Amanda: I do like manchego.

Sarah: Mmm.

Amanda: Mozzarella, some nice soft.

Sarah: So do you mean, like, like the really, really –

Amanda: Like a burrata.

Sarah: – liquid, I was going to say burrata, right? Like a really soft –

Amanda: Yeah. Yeah.

Sarah: – like, pillowy mozzarella, not like a brick of it that you have to slice or anything.

Amanda: No. I do like havarti; I do like a sharp cheddar or a pepper jack.

Sarah: I like a cheddar that punches me in the nose.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: I’m not a huge fan of, like, soft cheeses or, like, cheeses that have, like, a significant, like, rind –

Sarah: Mm.

Amanda: – like a camembert? Not a fan. But yeah, those are the cheeses I would go with.

Sarah: That’s how you call a French bear. Come on, bear!

Amanda: Camembert!

Sarah: Camembert!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: This is a jokey episode; I hope y’all like it. [Laughs] Camembert!

Amanda: So definitely Night Cheese –

Sarah: Night Cheese.

Amanda: – and then Day Wine!

Sarah: Day Wine! This makes sense! In preparation for this week, which I have been calling Hell Week, I have scheduled all comfort foods on the menu, and Adam went to the liquor store over the weekend and brought home ginger liqueur?

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: That is some good shit. So I might go with, you know, Night Cocktails or Night Wine, but I’m always a Night Wine person.

Amanda: I mean, I think –

Sarah: Whatever gets you through, right?

Amanda: – they’ll allow it.

Sarah: Yeah! All right –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – Norette asks – but first Norette says, “I am very much in favour of your silly Q&A episode and look forward to listening!”

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: We’ve been looking forward to this for, like – and we talk a lot! Like, Amanda and I –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – talk a lot.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: But we’ve been looking forward to this.

Amanda: This is, like, one of the few things I have to look forward to. [Laughs]

Sarah: Well, I’m sorry to tell you, we have so many questions you’ve got to keep looking forward to it, ‘cause we’re going to do it again! [Laughs]

Amanda: And then Assassin’s Creed Valhalla next week, ‘cause that’s really the only –

Sarah: Yes!

Amanda: – things I’m looking forward to! [Laughs]

Sarah: We’re going to climb boners tomorrow night.

Amanda: Yes! Yes, we are!

Sarah: [Laughs] You don’t –

Amanda: Doesn’t that game look goofy as fuck, at least –

Sarah: Oh my gosh. Okay, so –

Amanda: I can’t believe I forgot about it. For like a minute I said – [laughs] –

Sarah: – for our Twitch stream, for our Twitch stream Wednesday nights and Sunday afternoons at twitch.tv/SmartTwitches, Amanda went deep diving into the most amazing research of what we could play for, play next, ‘cause we aren’t going to play Phasmophobia again during Hell Week; that’s just mean. Like, people don’t need to be more scared. It’s already scary. So she found Mount Your Friends, where you are this [sputters] –

Amanda: They’re all in Speedos.

Sarah: I opened the game, and their arms, their heads, and their dicks all sort of spin around and move.

Amanda: They ambulate separate from one another.

Sarah: Right. It’s like one of those dolls that’s pinned with a, with a – what’s the thing? Like a – they’re, they’re jointed at the shoulders and the elbows and the wrists.

Amanda: Yes, and you, like, you can spin them, right?

Sarah: Yeah, like a paper doll; they’re like that, only there’s also one on their business.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It looks so fun.

Amanda: And you have to try to, like, mount your friends and get, like, make the tower of men higher.

Sarah: [Laughs] Yes, you have to, you have to climb them! Apparently there’s physics involved; we’re so screwed!

Amanda: And they all have different names, if I remember correctly.

Sarah: [Gasps] Oh, I cannot wait. This is going to be ridiculous. So that is something –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – I am very much looking forward to.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Climb-, climbing, making a tower of, of animated men in Speedos. This is not a thing I ever thought I would say. Those are not words I thought were coming out of my mouth today, but hey! It’s been, it’s been a week.

Amanda: Well, like, when you say the game title Mount Your Friends, you think –

Sarah: But, like, what, yes!

Amanda: – surely no, right? Like, there’s got to be another meaning I’m not –

Sarah: Nope.

Amanda: – catching of “mount your friends.”

Sarah: Nope! Nope, it does what it says on the tin.

Amanda: No, you are mounting your friends.

Sarah: All right, so Norette wants to know, “I would like to hear about your funniest/worst hotel/hostel/bed and breakfast experience.”

Norette says, “I stayed in a terrible hotel/nightclub/Italian restaurant ten years ago and it still makes me and my former work colleague laugh so much when we remember it!”

[Laughs] Who combined a hotel/nightclub/Italian restaurant? That’s amazing!

Amanda: Probably in Florida somewhere.

Sarah: It would not surprise me. So what is your funniest/worst hotel/hostel/bed and breakfast experience?

Amanda: I don’t think I’ve ever had a terrible one. One of –

Sarah: Ooh, I’m so glad!

Amanda: One of the most perplexing – I think it was the Rio in Las Vegas?

Sarah: Ohhh, that –

Amanda: Some rooms didn’t have garbage cans?

Sarah: [Laughs] That’s right!

Amanda: And then some had a coffee maker. There were just, like, weird thing, like, weird, obvious things missing from certain rooms. Not all rooms –

Sarah: Yes. So my worst, speaking of Romantic Times conventions –

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: My worst was my first Romantic Times, which would have been probably 2006, maybe 2007. It was in Pittsburgh, which is my home town, and I was like, oh my gosh, I get to go to my home town; it’s going to be so great! It was in the downtown Hilton, which, Pittsburgh is located on the confluence of three rivers. If you ever watch any sports broadcast about Pittsburgh, they’re going to do an overhead of the point, and they’re going to be like, and this is the confluence of the rivers, ‘cause they like to say that word, so yeah, there’s three rivers, and the hotel looks right over the point! Like, it looks right over! It’s gorgeous! It was under construction!

Zeb: Bark! Bark! Bark!

Sarah: Yes, Zeb, it was terrible.

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: And they promised it would be done. It was not done. Some hallways had no ceilings, there was dust everywhere, the restaurant was closed, people with asthma were having terrible times – I had to give directions to Mercy Hospital like seven times – and that was the same year that one of the Mr. Romance candidates had a complete psychological breakdown –

Amanda: Mm?!

Sarah: – and –

Amanda: – remember this story.

Sarah: – and it was quite bad, to the point where his roommate, another Mr. Romance contestant, ended up sleeping on the floor of some conference attendees’ rooms, ‘cause they were like, you’re not staying with him, you’re staying with us, we’re making you a bed on the floor, and they all just became his mom for, like, the week?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And then the police were called, so that’s definitely the worst.

The weirdest or, or funniest was probably, do you remember the hotel room in Reno that I had? Where the bathroom was a hundred percent coral marble with a black countertop –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and it was as big as the room itself? ‘Cause I got a room so I could record podcasts, so I needed, like, I needed people to, who I didn’t know, to come in and have a place to sit that wasn’t, like, on my bed? Right?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So I got a, like a, it wasn’t a suite, it was just one room, but there was a table and chairs and the bed, and then the bathroom was, was, it was like, it was like a candy-colored marble factory exploded.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: It was so orange, it was ridiculous.

Amanda: I, I firmly believe that all the hotels in that area, they’re just fucking weird.

Sarah: Oh, they really are. Also, I would just like to say my children are wonderful, because my son just texted me and said, hey, is it okay if I shower down the hall? I know you’re recording.

Amanda: Aww!

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: How considerate!

Sarah: They’re such nice little dudes! I’ve been emphasizing, we all have to take care of each other this week, especially Dad. Just leave him alone.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: He’s a little stressed. Very, very stressed. ‘Cause, you know, Dad, A-, Adam’s, Adam’s addicted to, like, looking at data, and he’s a politics junky, so this is both, like, the greatest week of his life and, this year, the worst week.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: It’s terrible!

Sarah: It’s bad! Although he was telling me some of his strategies today, and I’m very proud of him for thinking about how to look ahead to Future Adam and take care of Future Adam the way I’m trying to take care of Future Us. So I’m very proud of him.

Amanda: How sweet!

Sarah: All right. Barb P. wants to know, “What are some words you really love? What are some words you really loathe?”

Amanda: So loathe is easy: I don’t like a double P. Supple, nipple, I don’t like it.

Sarah: What if –

Amanda: Makes me uncomfortable to hear out loud.

Sarah: What about words like pupil?

Amanda: No, it’s got to be consecutive double Ps.

Sarah: So nipple, supple, ripple –

Amanda: I hate it.

Sarah: – zipple, yeah.

Amanda: I don’t – ugh! Like, my insides are giving, like, a visceral reaction. Like, I just want to –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – clam up.

Sarah: So if I really want to torture you, I should call you and be like, supple.

Amanda: Yeah, just, like, ASMR double P sounds.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I don’t like that.

Sarah: I feel like I have been given a tool of great power and will use it wisely at this time. [Laughs]

Amanda: I don’t know if I have any words that I like.

Sarah: I like the word concupiscent. It’s a very posh way of saying horny as fuck.

Amanda: [Laughs] Yeah, I don’t know if I have any words that I enjoy hearing.

Sarah: Barb P. says, “Well, I actually love the word ‘loathe’ just because of all the feeling you can put into it when you say it out loud. It just seems like a word you should growl out. A word I don’t like is the perennial favourite ‘moist.’”

Amanda: It doesn’t bother me.

Sarah: Moist doesn’t bother me. Pupil, supple, that doesn’t bother me. I hate the word “emails.”

Amanda: Why?

Sarah: It’s fucking plural already, mail. Mail is plural. You don’t need to check emails; it’s just email! They’re all, it’s all in the one word. I don’t know why this is the thing that bothers me, but it is like –

Amanda: I know another one that bugs you that we’ve mentioned before: box set versus boxed set.

Sarah: [Sputters with rage]

Amanda: I, I will never forget that.

Sarah: [Pounds desk, still sputtering] It is a boxed set! It is a set of books that have been boxED! BoxeD set! Not box set! Boxed! Yes, that does tend to make me a little twitchy! [Laughs] If you did, if you did a box set of emails, I would have to go lie down.

Amanda: Okay, contin-, what were we talking about? Words, yes.

Sarah: Words. Moist is, is Barb’s. Moist doesn’t bother me. I don’t like box set or emails.

Amanda: You know what I do like to hear? Let’s take a nap.

[Laughter]

Sarah: That’s a good word. That’s a very good word.

Amanda: Nap.

Sarah: Let’s take a nap. [Laughs]

Amanda: Let’s take a nap!

Sarah: All right, let’s see here. What the Foucault asks, “Which fictional character (or characters) are you most like—but pick for each other, and have others pick for you”

Amanda: I have to pick for Sarah.

Sarah: Yes, and I have to pick for Amanda. They say, “…I’m especially interested in what Sarah’s kids would pick for her!” and I already know the answer to this? They think I am just like the mom from Onward, which is a recent Pixar movie, and the mom is, like, really fierce and determined and goes after her kids when she thinks they’re in danger and, like, steals a car, and they’re like, yeah, that’s just like you; she’s totally badass, and I was like, well, thank you very much! Appreciate that very much!

Amanda: That’s hard!

Sarah: Yeah. Oh, and she’s a widow and she’s dating again, and it’s like, she’s super cool. I thought that was awesome. But what character would I pick for you? [Deep breath] Well, I’ve narrowed it down to a genre.

Amanda: Oh boy!

Sarah: A fictional character, and that, that doesn’t have to be books, ‘cause I don’t think –

Amanda: I think it means, like, TV and movies?

Sarah: TV or movies. Well, I think there’s, there’s enough common experience with characters in those media versus, like, books. Like, you might not, not everyone has read the same books, unless it’s like a mega-bestseller, and I’m not saying that you’re like what’s-her-face from that other book.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: It’s like you’re Bella from Twilight or something.

Amanda: Oooh!

Sarah: Let’s see. No, that’s not a good compliment. That’s like oatmeal inside a pair of pants. Like, that’s just really not –

Amanda: That’s disgusting. I just think of like the squelching noises?

Sarah: [Laughs] All right. What – okay. I would say that you are an older version of Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Amanda: Huh!

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: Like the Melissa Joan Hart?

Sarah: Both the comic and the Melissa Joan Hart character.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: But definitely a self-assured, intelligent, crafty, a little different from everybody in a good way –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – and unsure of how to reconcile the incredible powers that she wields in a world that doesn’t understand them.

Amanda: Wow!

Sarah: So that’s my answer.

Amanda: That’s – see, this is not fair, ‘cause you saw the questions beforehand, and you got to ruminate.

Sarah: I got to cogitate, yeah.

Amanda: Unbelievable.

Sarah: Sorry! The, the, the one for you, I, I did miss the part where you have to pick for each other. I did know about the one where our significant or family others should – our significant or family others – our significant others or family should pick for us. I did know about that one, but the one where you pick for each other, I missed that part, so that was a spontaneous creation of my good brain. Good job, brain!

Amanda: So my immediate thought –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – and I think I’m just going to go with this –

Sarah: ‘Kay.

Amanda: – is Toula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding?

Sarah: Ohhh! The main character, right?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: ‘Cause I have a lot of –

Sarah: Wait, does that mean I have a giant zit?

Amanda: [Laughs] Put some Windex on it!

Sarah: I will!

[Laughter]

Amanda: Well, like, your family’s very lively, and I mean that –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – in a good way.

Sarah: Yes!

Amanda: Food is always involved somehow.

Sarah: Yes, very true.

Amanda: Food plays a big role. And, like – so I did watch the second one, too. Did you watch the second one?

Sarah: No!

Amanda: Where they have, like, kids?

Sarah: No!

Amanda: It was either between that or – and I know this is not a fictional person, but Kathy Najimy?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Like, all of the – I don’t know her as a person, but, like, all the roles she takes are just kind of like earnest and goofy and fun, and that’s what I associate you a lot with, but I couldn’t think of any fictional characters that are also like that?

Sarah: I appreciate the, the characteristics of earnest, goofy, and fun. That, that –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – that would, that, that works! Absolutely!

Amanda: So family-oriented –

Sarah: Food-oriented.

Amanda: – earnest, goofy, and fun –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – food-oriented.

Sarah: Very food-oriented; very much so. It is kind of funny you say that, because my, a portion of my family is, is, my father’s extended marital family, like my father’s sister married a very large Greek family –

Amanda: Oh boy.

Sarah: – and so for a while, so my aunt married a Greek person, my cousin married a Polish person, I married a Jewish person and converted, and then my other cousin also married a Jewish person, and at this point I was like, okay, so this means that any family weddings we hold will come with (a) a beverage and (b) a dance.

Amanda: Yes, dancing.

Sarah: There’s a dance, there’s a characteristic dance and a characteristic alcohol, and we are going to have good family parties!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Although I did once email my aunt, who is an incredible cook, and was like, all right, well, you’ve been married to a Greek person for this long. How do you make, how do you make the dessert –

Together: Baklava.

Sarah: And she’s like, you buy it from the deli, for God’s sake.

[Laughter]

Sarah: And then when I was, when I was living with Adam and our high school friend Mark for like the first like three or four years I lived in Jersey City, I asked Adam’s mom, well, how do you make matzo balls? And she’s like, I follow the directions on the side of the box, and I was like, well, that can’t be right! So I called Mark’s mom, and Mark’s like, my mom makes great matzo balls! So I call Mark’s mom. Follow the directions on the side of the box. And Mark’s like, that cannot be right! And I’m like, that’s what I said! And he’s like, we’re going to call my Nana. So out of the blue, Mark calls his grandmother, who of course is like, what? This is wonderful to hear from you! Is someone dead? What’s wrong?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And he’s like, no, I need to know how you make matzo balls. Do you know what she says?

Together: Follow the directions –

Sarah: – on the side of the box! [Laughs] So there you go –

Amanda: Well, I think that –

Sarah: – I’m giving three generations of family secret away on how you make matzo balls: follow the directions –

Amanda: I mean, that, I –

Sarah: – side of the box.

Amanda: – I feel like that goes for a lot of families, as, like, as a kid, like, secret family recipes that you thought were, like, super special, it’s just like, no, I just use the recipe that comes with the –

Sarah: On the side of the box!

Amanda: – box of whatever.

Sarah: Follow the recipe on the side of the box, right? Yeah!

Amanda: It was like, my cheesecake recipe comes from the flap of the cream cheese on the Philadelphia packages. Like –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – not a secret family recipe! [Laughs]

Sarah: I once went to a dinner where someone had served this wonderful spinach salad with baby spinach, and I don’t like spinach, and I could not get enough of this salad, and so I emailed this person, and I, I had to work up my nerve to email this person ‘cause it was someone I didn’t know very well, and so I was, like, being socially presumptuous to reach out and be like, hey, I got your email from a friend of a friend, and I was just wondering, the salad you made was so great, what is it? And they never wrote back, so then of course I had, you know, social anxiety about it. And so then I saw them again, and I was like, oh, I totally emailed you! Do you remember the spinach salad recipe? I’m sure you don’t remember it, and she holds up the bag of Craisins and turns it around and goes, it’s right there!

[Laughter]

Sarah: The secret to –

Amanda: Maybe she was embarrassed and didn’t want to tell you that it was –

Sarah: [Whispers] I think so! [Laughs] But I’ll tell you, it’s a really good salad. You thin slice red onion; put some baby spinach on there; toast some almonds; get some feta or some sort of briny, clumpy cheese; and cranberries, Craisins; and then the dressing is two parts store-bought balsamic vinegar and one part orange juice.

Amanda: Oh!

Sarah: And then you can put some orange zest in the salad too, and it makes this wonderful citrus –

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: – cranberry, baby spinach salad, and it’s on the back of the Craisin bag! And it’s freaking delicious! I make it at Thanksgiving all the time.

Amanda: Oh!

Sarah: All right, you ready for another question?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: Claudia, also known as stylins on birds from our Twitch streams –

Amanda: Stylins on birds!

Sarah: “First, a thank you for the twitch streams. It’s been so soothing for me – when I watch, it feels like knots in my brain are loosening up.”

Amanda: [Laughs] Except when we play Phasmophobia.

Sarah: Yeah, that was whu- –

Amanda: A nightmare.

Sarah: I screamed. I screamed a lot. [Laughs] I was not expect- –

Amanda: It was a nightmare.

Sarah: I was not expecting to be that freaked out, but you know –

Amanda: No!

Sarah: You’re stumbling around in the dark! Are you supposed to memorize the –

Amanda: It’s very dark.

Sarah: Are you supposed to memorize the floor plan in the truck and be like, oh, I know where I am? No! It’s ridiculous!

Amanda: Terrible. Terrible!

Sarah: So Claudia has two questions.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: “1. You’ve been on a few dates with someone when, during your latest date, they confess that they’re in a time loop and have lived that day over and over. What do you do?”

Amanda: Visit Palm Springs. That was a good movie, by the way.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I’d be like, cool. Prove it so I know that, one, that, like, there aren’t some hallucinations we need to address.

Sarah: This is a really good, this is a really good strategy. Yeah.

Amanda: Yeah! I mean, like – and, if it isn’t a, like, if it is a hallucination, you don’t want to come across as, like, you’re crazy. You know what I mean?

Sarah: Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Amanda: So it’s like, yeah, sure, if you can prove it to me. Totally on board, and then we’ll go from there.

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: That’s my logical response. So. That’s what I would do!

Sarah: I honestly don’t know what I would do! I would be on that same line of, are you okay? And, huh! Well, I mean, if they’re living the same day over and over and they’re still on a date with me, they have to be choosing to do the date, right? So it’s kind of a compliment!

Amanda: I get it, yeah.

Sarah: I mean, presuming that they’re not locked into a specific sequence of actions on that one day that they’re reliving over and they get the option to choose and they’re choosing to go on a date with me –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – over and over, I mean, that’s pretty, that’s, I mean, (a) I would hope their dating technique would be fantastic and I, I’m having a good date, and (2) that’s a hell of a compliment!

Amanda: But also, like, if time is looping for them but carrying on for you, how does that work?

Sarah: That’s a really good question. I would have to have some wine before I got the answer, though.

Amanda: I don’t know how – I never took a physics class in my life, so.

Sarah: All right. The next question is a tough one –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – from stylins. “2. Would you date a time traveler who refuses to take you on their travels?”

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: I would not. If you don’t take me with you on the cool trip, then we’re not hanging out.

Amanda: Who says it’s a cool trip?

Sarah: Well, this is true. You make a good point.

Amanda: What if they’re going back to the 1200s?

Sarah: Yeah, that could be bad.

Amanda: Like, I need Wi-Fi.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: If it’s that time –

Sarah: See, I was thinking they were going into the future so we would all have these things!

Amanda: If it’s that time of the month, tampons, please.

Sarah: Yep, you –

Amanda: Modern medicine.

Sarah: – make a good point.

Amanda: I need my antidepressants. Like –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – I am not built for time travel! [Laughs]

Sarah: I get it!

Amanda: And then, like, in the future, 2020’s a fucking shithole. Like, do I really want to know what it’s going to be like in 2120?

Sarah: It can only be better, right?

Amanda: That’s what you keep, that’s what we keep saying about 2020 –

Sarah: That’s true.

Amanda: – that it can only go up from here!

Sarah: It can’t get worse! Spoiler alert: it can!

Amanda: No. He can do whatever he – or she! Or they – want to, and I’m –

Sarah: With time. You’re just fine to stay in, in your, apparently –

Amanda: Yep.

Sarah: – you’re in a courtyard with some pumpkins right now.

Amanda: And it’s nice that we would, you know, it’s good to have your own hobbies –

Sarah: That’s true!

Amanda: – and to spend time apart.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Have the house to myself so I can take a bath that’s two hours long.

Sarah: Hey, they’re traveling through time. It could be several years, which I, that’s a good bath.

Amanda: It’s fine.

Sarah: Fine.

Amanda: Bring me back a souvenir and we’ll call it even.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Kheya asks – I hope I’m saying that right – “If you could only have one adult beverage for the rest of your life – what would it be?”

Amanda: Are we talking cocktail?

Sarah: Adult beverage, so I’m guessing yes. But it also could be wine or beer if you have a particular beer that you adore.

Amanda: Hmm. I would go with a Moscow Mule.

Sarah: What’s in a Moscow Mule? I forget.

Amanda: Vodka and ginger beer and lime.

Sarah: Oh, it’s the opposite of mine, which is a, I think a Light and Stormy? Which is ginger beer –

Amanda: Gin.

Sarah: – gin and lime, which is something I drink on the regular, with a little bit of ginger liqueur to spice it up a little bit?

Amanda: Yeah. I like a Moscow Mule.

Zeb: Woof.

Sarah: All right! I can’t drink vodka –

Zeb: Woof!

Amanda: I don’t –

Sarah: – so I think that’s a good choice.

Zeb: Woof.

Amanda: I don’t think I could pick a single beer to drink –

Zeb: Bark, bark!

Amanda: – for the rest of my life. I don’t think I could do that.

Sarah: Zeb can. He’s barking about it right now.

Amanda: [Laughs] Beers are seasonal!

Zeb: Bark!

Sarah: Hmm, that’s true.

Amanda: Like, you drink dark beers in colder temperatures.

Sarah: My wine consumption is seasonal. So yeah, I get it.

Amanda: Yeah. What would you do if only one adult beverage?

Sarah: Oh, that’s a tough call, ‘cause I really love a Bee’s Knees.

Amanda: I don’t know what the hell that is.

Sarah: So the Bee’s Knees is a prohibition cocktail from when gin tasted like ass.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So it’s gin and honey simple syrup, honey syrup –

Amanda: Eh.

Sarah: Wait, let me google the recipe, make sure I am getting this right.

Amanda: I mean, I’d drink that.

Sarah: I would, I love it. I think I might have one this evening, as a matter of fact.

Amanda: Cool.

Sarah: Bee’s Knees is gin, honey syrup, a little lemon juice, and a lemon twist. It is –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – so good. And you want fresh lemon juice, like, really good lemon juice. And then for honey syrup, you just add one to one honey and hot water and, and shake it up.

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: If you get, like, really hot tap water, just shake that up and that’ll distribute the honey so that when you put it in a shaker with ice and shake it up, the honey doesn’t seize.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It’s more liquid. So you put all that in a shaker and shake it all up. Basically, it was a way to make bathtub gin taste good.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And I like all the gin I have, it all tastes good, so I’ll just make it taste even better. So I love a good Bee’s Knees, but I also love all the ginger beer and gin that I’ve been drinking. It’s a tough call.

Amanda: I love gin-, anything with ginger beer in it I will drink.

Sarah: Oh, do you have a favorite ginger beer?

Amanda: Yes. Let me google it.

Sarah: ‘Cause I know that there is spicy ginger ale from Blenheim, but I haven’t been able to find any around here in Maryland. I get, in the grocery I will get Bundaberg’s or Reed’s, which used to be spicier and is not as spicy, and I’m very sad.

Amanda: So, going through.

Sarah: Like –

Amanda: Yeah, Reed’s is probably the, the spiciest.

Sarah: Yeah, but I want more spice! Like, much like the cheddar cheese that I like, I want the ginger beer to punch me in the face. Bam!

Amanda: [Indistinct]

Sarah: Hey, bud!

Amanda: Barritt’s is pretty good.

Sarah: Ohhh yeah!

Amanda: Gosling’s is what’s, I feel like, the easiest to get here.

Sarah: Yeah, I see that a lot, but it’s often at the liquor store when it’s really expensive. Like, I don’t see it in the grocery store.

Amanda: And then –

Sarah: Hey, dude, come here; I’ve got a question for you. We’re doing a podcast of silly questions, and somebody wanted to know what fictional character you think I am most like. Is it still the mom from Onward?

Dude: Any fictional character at all?

Sarah: Yeah.

Dude: Then, yeah, the mom from Onward.

Sarah: The mom from Onward?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Dude: Not only does she look like you, she acts like you too.

Sarah: Cool, dude, thanks! All right, back to Minecraft you go.

Dude: I also can totally see you wielding a battleaxe, so.

Sarah: You also could totally see me wielding a battleaxe.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Is there a better compliment from your child, I ask you?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Mom, I could totally see you with a battleaxe. Okay!

Amanda: Also –

Sarah: Thank you!

Dude: No problemo!

Amanda: Cawston that I’ve had, Cawston Press.

Sarah: Oh, I haven’t had that one.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Nice! I was debating about making my own, but I understand it is quite a process and can get messy and smelly, and I don’t like messy and smelly. I have teenagers and pets.

Amanda: I’ve had the authentic ginger ale, and that is spicy!

Sarah: Oooh, yeah. The Blenheim’s ginger ale that I used to see in college in South Carolina – although that might be a northeastern brand, now that I think about it? But they have a spicy ginger ale, and it is boom! It’ll burn the inside of your mouth. It’ll be like eating Cap’n Crunch.

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I do love Cap’n Crunch, though.

Sarah: If you had only one cereal for the rest of your life –

Amanda: Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Sarah: Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

Amanda: It’s the taste you can see!

[Laughter]

Sarah: And it doesn’t get soggy very quickly! It is a magical cereal.

Amanda: No. But –

Sarah: It holds its crisp!

Amanda: But I am also, like, a very little milk ratio in my cereal bowl.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: ‘Cause I don’t want anything to get soggy!

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: By the time I reach, like, the last spoonful, I don’t want it to be soggy.

Sarah: Oh, I hear you! I love – do you remember Honey Smacks?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: And if you get them and they haven’t fused into a giant fucking brick?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Those are good! I really like Frosted Mini-Wheats, again because they hold their texture; they don’t get too soggy.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: I’m trying to think what cereals we’ve purchased for ourselves. Cocoa Krispies are our official vacation cereal for the family. We, everyone has to get their own box, ‘cause they all eat it so fast. And then the milk is chocolate milk, so what could possibly go wrong?

Amanda: Yep. Delicious. I do also like the Cap’n Crunch, like, Oops! All Berries?

Sarah: Oh, Crunch Berries! Crunch Berries –

Amanda: Crunch Berries.

Sarah: – Crunch Berries alone are quite good!

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: There are some disgusting cereals in the cereal aisle right now? Like, there was a Dunkin’ Donuts doughnut cereal? There was a Super Mario cereal that looked really gross. I don’t know, if I could –

Amanda: Okay, I did have a Peeps cereal that I enjoyed.

Sarah: Was it, like, corn or rice or marshmallows?

Amanda: It was kind of like, imagine a softer Froot Loop texture –

Sarah: Mmm.

Amanda: – with –

Sarah: Froot Loops are good. Apple Jacks! [Gasps]

Amanda: – with bunny shapes.

Sarah: [Whispers] Apple Jacks. Like Froot, softer Froot Loops in a bunny shape. Okay!

Amanda: And then marshmallow.

Sarah: Obviously.

Amanda: I once had a friend in high school; she loved Grape-Nuts?

Sarah: I do like Grape-Nuts, I will confess. But my God –

Amanda: But –

Sarah: – you can hear people chewing them in the next town.

Amanda: – they’re disgusting, and why is a fifteen-year-old girl eating Grape-Nuts?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Why is that the cereal she enjoyed?

Sarah: I once had a really big thing for – what are the ones that are like little oatmeal cookies? Toasted Oat Bran or Toasted – they’re like little, they’re bran cereal, but they’re little Os, and they’re like, they’re like ninety thousand calories.

Amanda: [Whispers] Jesus!

Sarah: I had a thing for that in college – [laughs] – and somebody saw me eating a whole bowl, bowl of them and was like, well, that’ll fix your problems!

Amanda: Yeah! You’ll be regular for the next month!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I do like a Honey, Honey Bunches of Oats. They do some good flavor combinations.

Sarah: Ohhh, I haven’t had that in forever!

Amanda: And I love a good, I love a good crunch.

Sarah: Oh yeah, for sure. ‘Cause you want, you want the cereal to be cold but still crunchy.

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: For sure.

Amanda: Yes, I love a crunchy cereal.

Sarah: I liked Kix for that reason, although I get bored of them ‘cause there’s not a lot of –

Amanda: Kix are boring.

Sarah: They’re very boring. You want a cereal that –

Amanda: They’re like packing peanuts.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Adam used to, Adam grew up in a, in a junk food house, and he –

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: – he had Cookie Crisp on the regular. Like, the, just the legitimate –

Amanda: That’s the, that’ll cut your mouth right up.

Sarah: Oh yeah. So we went to Spain a couple of years ago and ented, rented a beautiful Airbnb in Madrid, and, I mean, really, Adam’s main requirement for any kind of rental or, or living space when we’re in Europe is, seriously, don’t lie to me, do you have air conditioning? Like, that’s what he’s worried about, ‘cause he can’t sleep unless he can see penguins –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – and, you know, the European versus American perspectives on, on air conditioning are very different. So we go to this one apartment, it was wonderful, it had air conditioning, and there was a big-ass jar of Cookie Crisp on the counter. I guess his –

Amanda: Did he lose his mind?

Sarah: He was out of his mind excited, and I guess they thought, you know, ‘cause we’re Americans, they were going to put the Cookie Crisp out, but they also two full fridge drawers of Valencia oranges and an orange juice squeezer so we could make our own fresh-squeezed orange juice while we ate our Cookie Crisp. [Laughs]

Amanda: I don’t like orange juice; that’s one thing that I don’t like.

Sarah: [Yells at dogs, who have been barking for several minutes] Guys, I’m trying to record a podcast! Could you stop?

Dog: Bark! Bark!

Sarah: No.

Amanda: They do not care.

Sarah: They don’t – there, there are humans, and they are not here for this.

Amanda: They do not care.

Sarah: I’m going to shut the door a little bit more.

[Door closes]

Sarah: Meanwhile, Wilbur is just sitting here like, God, are they still barking? Oh my God, make them –

Amanda: [Laughs] I’m trying to sleep!

Sarah: – make them stop. Have I told you that everyone’s calling the cat Rabbi Wilbur now?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: Yeah, he’s still the Rabbi. Rabbi, Rabbi Wilbur.

Amanda: What a, what a good boy!

Sarah: He’s a, he’s a very wonderful cat. Let’s see, Adam says, oh, deliv-, construction material is being delivered, and not only are there guys, but there’s a whole-ass forklift in our driveway right now.

Amanda: That’s exciting!

Sarah: It is extremely exciting. He’s like, I’m not going to be able to stop them from driv-, from barking. There’s a forklift. Like, understandable!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: There’s a forklift!

Amanda: Zeb’s like, I don’t know what that thing is, but it needs to get out of here.

Sarah: It needs to fuck right off! [Laughs]

Okay. Few more questions.

Amanda: Okay!

Sarah: Tara: “I’m still looking for the answer to this meme math question: ‘If I throw a triangle out of a car and the car is going 20 mph and wind resistance is a thing that exists, how many cupcakes can Pedro buy with one human soul?’”

I feel like this is a question for 2020.

Amanda: I don’t know. I feel like it’s 2020: no one has any souls anymore. We’re just –

Sarah: Right, and cupcakes –

Amanda: – husks.

Sarah: There’s got to be a cupcake shortage at this point.

Amanda: Yeah. People are just eating raw batter at this point. They can’t even get to the cupcake stage.

Sarah: Screw it; just eat the, just eat the batter with a spoon.

Amanda: Just eat it, yeah. Who cares if there’s an egg in there?

Sarah: Have you watched What We Do in the Shadows on Hulu?

Amanda: So good.

Sarah: Okay, so this is –

Amanda: It’s so good.

Sarah: – this is from Olivia C. This is going to kill you –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – this question. “FKM: Nadja, Laszlo, Nandor”

Amanda: Marry Nadja –

Sarah: Obviously.

Amanda: Fuck Laszlo, Kill Nandor. I love all of them, but Laszlo definitely seems like he’s got a lot of, he’s got the sex chops. You know what I mean? He’s an expert.

Sarah: A sex-, a sexpert, if you will.

Amanda: A sexpert! But Nadja, she’s, one, she’s beautiful, and two, like, I would rather be married to her than Nandor. I feel like Nandor would get on my nerves.

Sarah: Oh, no question.

Amanda: ‘Cause he’s, he’s not a very capable vampire. So –

Sarah: No.

Amanda: – that’s my ranking.

Sarah: And incompetence is not hot.

Amanda: No. He’s a bit of a, he’s a goof! Which is fine, but he –

Sarah: See, that’s what, that’s what I struggle with in a lot of contemporary romances? That one character, often the heroine, has to have a moment of great incompetence so that she can discover who she is, or the, or when the hero is emotionally incompetent. I’m not here for any of the incompetence; no, thank you.

Amanda: There’s a – have you watched it?

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: Okay –

Sarah: Not all of it, but some of it.

Amanda: – the one episode where they have to throw the orgy? Like, sex party?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And Nadja is so into it, and, like, Laszlo reveals to her that he used to be a porn star, and she finally admits to him, your porn is boring.

Sarah: [Gasps]

Amanda: It’s boring porn.

[Laughter]

Amanda: And Laszlo goes into a deep depression and, like, ruins Nadja’s plans for the, the vampire orgy, and I felt so bad!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: That’s why I would marry Nadja. [Laughs]

Sarah: So we have one more question, but since –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – we have more questions, should we do another follow-up silly Q&A at a later date for another podcast, maybe next week?

Amanda: Happy to do it.

Sarah: All right. All right. Excellent. So we’ll, we’ll keep up with the, the, the silliness.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Adam has a great word, by the way? Election-stential dread.

Amanda: Oh gosh. Yeah! That’s it!

Sarah: We’re, we’re very punny here. We’re very punny here. So we can stave off the election-stential dread with another episode, coming soon.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: All right, last, last question.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: “What is your funniest story from Work?” Any work.

[Thoughtful pause]

Amanda: I have a disgusting story.

Sarah: Sounds good.

Amanda: So when I was working at J. C. Penney in college –

Sarah: Do they even still exist?

Amanda: I have no fucking clue.

[Laughter]

Amanda: I haven’t been to a mall in God knows how long!

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: But I worked at J. C. Penney, and the department that I was in charge of, like, working in –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – ‘cause, like, J. C. Penney is like a big loop, and there’s, like, little stations in between the different sections.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: So we worked in the section –

Sarah: It’s in the circular land.

Amanda: Yeah – between Juniors and Men’s, and –

Sarah: Oh, it’s weird that they’re next to each other!

Amanda: Yeah. Juniors and Men’s, and then Men’s wrapped around to, like, Suits, and then Juniors wrapped around to, like, Women’s.

Sarah: That’s a very weird transition right there.

Amanda: Yeah. So, but in the Men’s section, we had to deal with, like, the Levi’s wall and the wall of Dockers.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Like, those were the two, like – and it’s just so annoying, and you have to find, like, I’m a thirty-four forty-eight! Like, just some weird niche pant size. But I was helping this woman buy dress pants for her husband. She was there; her husband was not. And she was an older woman, and she asked where our bathroom was.

Sarah: Oh no.

Amanda: And the bathroom is on the other side of the store, and she’s like, okay, well, would it be possible to get me a bag? I was like, okay, sure. So I went Suits –

Sarah: Would it be possible to get me a bag?

Amanda: The Suits section was closer, so I ran over and grabbed a plastic J. C. Penney bag, and then I go to hand it to her, and she just pukes right into it. So I was a retail worker who had to catch a customer’s puke in a bag.

Sarah: Oh God. That’s –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: That’s – ohhh.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Oh, that’s, oh. Oh, yuck. Ohhh, gross! Bleah.

Amanda: And then there’s another time where I heard people having sex in the fitting rooms, and I –

Sarah: I imagine that every retail worker with fitting rooms has been like, how many sexcapades today?

Amanda: Well, I called the manager on the walkie-talkies that we had. I was like, Maya, can you come over to the fitting rooms?

Sarah: And neither of you get paid enough to deal with that.

Amanda: Well, then Maya’s like, I’m busy with a customer right now? I’m like, okay!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Well, I don’t, I’m not going to say on the microphone, the walkie-talkie that I’m hearing people bang it out in our fitting room.

Sarah: You could make, like, a store-wide announcement. “Please be advised that fitting room three is not available until the couple inside it finish. Thank you!”

Amanda: Yeah, it was –

Sarah: “Attention, J. C. Penney shoppers.” [Laughs]

Amanda: But I don’t think, like, I can’t think of, like, a super funny story like – just a gross story.

I had this little girl think – when I also worked at J. C. Penney – I had, like, a bangs haircut and, like, I would straighten my hair, and this little girl thought I was Ugly Betty? America Ferrera? [Laughs]

Sarah: [Gasps] Oh my God!

Amanda: And every time she would come in, like, her mom is like, can you please take a photo with her? I know you’re not Ugly Betty –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – you know you’re not Ugly Betty, but she doesn’t know you’re not Ugly Betty. So, like, I would take this photo with this adorable little girl who thought I was Ugly Betty and just worked at J. C. Penney! [Laughs]

Sarah: Ohhh!

Amanda: Yeah. I also dressed up as Snooki for Halloween when I worked at J. C. Penney.

Sarah: Nooo! Like, at the, like, at the J. C. Penney, you dressed as Snooki?

Amanda: Yeah! I did, like, the bump, and I bought foundation that was like two shades, like, tanner than I am? And I wore, like, big, gold hoop earrings?

Sarah: Wow, your hair must have been hella straight.

Amanda: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Sarah: Oh, that’s funny!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: That is super funny.

Amanda: But, what, do you have a funny story? ‘Cause you’ve been working –

Sarah: For myself? For a long-ass time.

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: Well, there’s all the things that I’ve screwed up are not funny to anybody except me.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I do have a, a funny story from when I worked at the front desk of a hotel? The hotel was just north of Chicago in Evanston, Illinois. There were a number of celebrities that would check in, and I never understood why. I told you the Gross Pointe Blank story, right?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: So there was the time where John Cusack wrote Gross Pointe Blank in the penthouse and then would send the pages down to the fax machine, and then I would cut the long, curly fax paper up and make copies and send it back up. That went up, that went on all night; that was cool.

One time Jimmy Carter checked in with his wife under the name Mr. and Mrs. Driftwood.

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: But my favorite was the night I was told a celebrity would be checking in, and it would be Robert Robertson, and I was like, well, that’s not even an original name, and I was sort of thinking, you know, who is it? Who, what, what bands are in town? Wha-, is it a sports player? ‘Cause usually a sports team in Chicago, they’ll all stay in the same hotel, and they’re not staying in fucking Evanston! Like, you had a reason to be in Evanston –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and usually it’s probably the university. So I couldn’t figure out, like, who was this really short dude? And the counter was tall; like, the front desk, I was up from the customers. Like, the counter –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – was taller than them, so the counter would be chest height for them but like waist height for me.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So this really short guy, so the counter was like chin height for him. So normally it would be like where you sign your name and it’s comfortable.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: For him it was like, he could just tuck his chin on top of the countertop. And he’s wearing really old-ass, gigantic Doc Martens and really baggy shorts and a wallet on a chain – and so this was the late ‘90s, so we’re at the far edge of the wallet-on-a-chain fashion –

Amanda: Boy.

Sarah: – a giant, plaid beret, and I’m like, this guy looks familiar. He’s really short! He looks familiar. He’s really short! And then this absolutely gorgeous, deep voice says, hi. I’m checking in under the name Robert Robertson? And it was Eddie fucking Vedder from Pearl Jam.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And the first thing I thought was, oh my God, that’s Eddie Vedder, and two, oh my God, he’s really short! [Laughs]

Amanda: What, what is his height?

Sarah: I cannot remember. Are you googling it?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It’s a very late google of the podcast.

[Pause for googling]

Amanda: Height.

Sarah: Now, maybe –

Amanda: Five-seven!

Sarah: – maybe he was slouching, but he was very short that day.

Amanda: He’s five-seven.

Sarah: He was super nice and polite and tipped everybody. We liked him a lot.

Amanda: He was born in Evanston!

Sarah: Well, that would be why he was there, then. Probably visiting fam. But didn’t want to stay with them. I can understand why.

The other time we had a, a really full night, we used to walk people, when the hotel was full, we would walk them to other hotels, and then sometimes we’d end up having to walk people to a bed and breakfast where none of the rooms had televisions, and wow, did we hear about that the next day. One time the hotel was full and this single dad showed up with three really young kids. Their flight had been delayed; they finally got to the hotel; the hotel is sold out; and I’m like, I’m not walking this poor man to a bed and breakfast with no TVs and they’re all in one room. And so I got the manager, and I explained the situation real quick, and I was like, look, you and I both know that the presidential suite is empty and no one’s going to check into it. Let’s just give it to this dude. And he’s like, I’ll do better than that: we’re going to book him in at my rate. So this guy paid like forty-five dollars for the presidential suite with his three kids, and he’s like –

Amanda: Aw!

Sarah: – oh my God, thank you so much. They took a bath for three hours in that tub –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – ‘cause the tub was so big, and the kids were like, whoo! He’s like, I filled it like a quarter of the way; I put in some bubbles. Please don’t be mad. I will leave the money for housekeeping, but they took a bath for three hours. It was the greatest three hours of my day.

Amanda: Aww!

Sarah: So that’s my favorite work story from when I worked at the hotel. That was probably the job that taught me the most about how hard it is to be in customer serving, customer-facing positions.

Amanda: It is so hard. I, I’m one of those people that I, I feel like everyone should do, like, instead of mandatory military service, it should be, like, mandatory customer service for like a year.

Sarah: Yeah. And you learn, like, you can tell real quick the people who are dealing with customer-facing employees who have themselves been that person?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Like, there are some people I’m like, I will never shop with you because you’re terrible.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Like there’s people I don’t want to go eat with ‘cause they’re rude to the waitstaff.

Amanda: Oh, I can’t stand that.

Sarah: Mm-mm.

Amanda: Can’t stand it.

Sarah: Me neither. Me neither. I can’t stand it either. But you’re never rude to the waitstaff!

Amanda: No, I’m nice! And I always tip. My mom is a shitty tipper.

Sarah: Isn’t that the fricking worst? Oh yeah. I have had, with several family members on both sides, Adam’s side and my side, we’ve had to, like, sneak back and put cash in the envelope when no one was looking –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – ‘cause we knew that the person leaving the tip, like, the man, the magnanimous gesture of paying, we’re like, yeah, you’re going to leave a shitty tip.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: We’re going to have to –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – we’re going to have to make sure that you are gone and we’re going to add to that. Like, I’ve gone back into the restaurant once when a member of his family has left the, the, they paid, paid the bill, and I was like, I know there’s no tip on there, so please give this to the waiter, ‘cause this –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – is ridiculous.

Amanda: It’s so embarrassing. I was like, come on, Mom!

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: I hate it. I hate it so much.

Sarah: All right, that’s the end of my questions for this round!

Amanda: Okay!

Sarah: Thank you to the Patreon community for the good questions!

Amanda: Thank you! It’s –

Sarah: Did you bring any questions you wanted to ask me?

Amanda: What is your favorite form of punctuation?

Sarah: Interrobang.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: I feel like this whole fucking year is an interrobang.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Like, everything could just be answered with a question mark and an exclamation point smooshed together!

Amanda: I’m, I’m fond of the semicolon.

Sarah: Semicolons are very sexy.

Amanda: But as, as Sarah can attest, editing my reviews, I’ve never met a clause I did not like.

Sarah: Oh no, you love a good subordinate, subordinate, subordinate clause. It’s like your sentences –

Amanda: I do.

Sarah: – your sentences have great-great-great-great-great-great-grandchildren.

Amanda: It’s like, how many commas can I fit in this bit? Like, how –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: What can I get away with?

Sarah: Meanwhile, if I write a review, I write it all out of order, and then I have to, like, leave and come back and be like, all right, Past Sarah, what were you trying to say here?

Amanda: [Laughs] 

Sarah: When I was in college I used to print out my paper and then literally cut the paragraphs in half and number them and then rearrange them, because I can never write anything in some kind of linear order, ever.

Amanda: So tangent, but, like, speaking of writing, I, Emma and I were talking after our, like, conversation, and she’s like, oh, what were you going to say about NaNoWriMo? National Novel Writing Month.

Sarah: NaNoWriMo.

Amanda: And so, like, I was talking to her about it, and she’s like, how, have you ever done it? And I was like, I have written some things, and so I sent them to Emma, the two romance, like, work-in-progresses that I have?

Sarah: Yeah?

Amanda: And I was like, Emma, you are literally the second person to have seen these things.

Sarah: Aww!

Amanda: [Laughs] And she’s like, it’s so good! Where was I –

Sarah: Commas?

Amanda: – going with this?

Sarah: Commas?

Amanda: Commas. You use commas? Oh! Writing stuff, like you would cut and paste, and I was like, Emma, I’m like a pantser: I, like, fly by the seat of my pants –

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: – I don’t plan anything, because if I do I get too bogged down into the details, but being a pantser and writing, the minute I hit, like, a block, I’m like, I’m out. Like –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – done. This is it. It ends here. [Laughs] Like, that’s usually how it goes! But yeah, I can’t do the, like, write out of order. I just, like, once I get an idea in my head I just, like, write until I tire myself out.

Sarah: I once challenged myself several, several years ago – this is before we moved, so at least five years ago – that I was going to write a fanfic, and I was going to write two thousand words a day, and I was going to post them at the end of the day, and I wasn’t going to let myself edit, and I did it. But holy hell, writing in order was the hardest fucking thing, and then I was like, wait a minute, wait a minute – [tapping noise] – I can write flashbacks and flash forwards and pretend I just meant to do it all along!

[Laughter]

Amanda: The thing about, like, NaNo is, like, to get to fifty K, you have to average, what is it, like, less than, a little less than seventeen hundred words a day.

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: But –

Sarah: I can’t promise they’ll be good, but I could do it. [Laughs]

Amanda: For me, though, like, if I skip a day, then, like, after doing the math –

Sarah: Oh, forget it.

Amanda: – it’s like, okay –

Sarah: Yep. It’s like –

Amanda: – now I have to write this to catch up.

Sarah: It’s like, it’s like waking up in the middle of the night and doing the math about how many hours you have left –

Amanda: Sleep.

Sarah: Yeah. It’s like sleep math.

Amanda: And, like, I know some people can be like, have, like, a super good day and write like five thousand words, and, like, the next day it’s, you know, minimal, but, like, the weird perfectionist in me is like, no. If I don’t hit the goal every day, I’m going to get behind, and then I’m just going to quit. Like, I can’t bank on, well, I’m just going to write five thousand words in a day and – it’s so intimidating. Godspeed to anyone who does it and succeed. It’s hard.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: Hard stuff.

Sarah: Especially this year. Creative energies can be very low.

Amanda: Yeah! Yeah, they, yes they can be!

Sarah: All right, dude. Thank you!

Amanda: Yeah. You’re welcome!

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of our extremely silly Q&A. I hope you enjoyed that. Thank you again to our Patreon community for so many outstanding questions. So many, in fact, that we’re going to do this again next week with more silliness, because we want to give you a place to take a break and hopefully laugh a little bit because, well, we really like silliness. Thank you again to everyone who participated and sent in questions, and thank you deeply to our Patreon community for their continued support. And of course, thank you to Amanda for hanging out with me and doing these silly podcasts.

This episode was brought to you by If the Boot Fits by Rebekah Weatherspoon. It is the sequel to the extremely well reviewed and starred A Cowboy to Remember, and If the Boot Fits is a perfect sequel. It is a fresh twist on Cinderella, as an aspiring screenwriter and personal assistant to a megawatt celebrity diva disappears after a one-night stand with the actor who just won Best Actor the night of the Oscars, only instead of leaving her slipper behind, she inadvertently runs off with his Oscar, leading him to track her down. When a second chance encounter happens, only a trip to Sam’s family ranch and revealing the whole not always glamorous truth about themselves will give them a chance to turn one magical night into forever. Set on a Black-owned luxury dude ranch and with a fairytale twist, the second Cowboys of California romance by award-winning author Rebekah Weatherspoon absolutely sizzles. You can find If the Boot Fits by Rebekah Weatherspoon wherever books are sold, and find out more at kensingtonbooks.com.

I always end each episode with a terrible joke, and this terrible joke was sent in by Kheya, who is one of the Patreon community members who contributed a question and a joke! Thank you; this makes me so happy.

If you would like to send me a bad joke, you can send it to sbjpodcast@gmail.com or Sarah, S-A-R-A-H, at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books dot com [Sarah@smartbitchestrashybooks.com]. They all end up in the same place. I love bad jokes. Keep sending them; they make me so happy!

So Kheya’s joke is amazing, and I love it so much! [Clears throat] Are you ready? All right, serious podcaster voice:

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Where do you find a cow with no legs?

Right where you left it!

[Laughs] It’s so silly! Thank you, Kheya!

On behalf of Amanda and myself and all of the loud construction equipment that was a guest star in this episode, we wish you the very best of reading and a wonderful weekend. Please take care of yourselves. We will be back next week with more ridiculous, silly questions, and we cannot wait to hear what you think of these episodes. Have a wonderful, wonderful weekend. Stay safe, and we’ll see you next week.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find great podcasts to listen to at frolic.media/podcasts.

[fading music]