410. Baked Goods, Gaming, and More Birthday Goodness with Amanda

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Howdy! Welcome to episode number 410 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. Today Amanda and I, Sarah, are going to be talking about baked goods, gaming, and more birthday goodness. Amanda and I answer listener email about Books on Sale and extremely long romances that you might want to read, but we also talk a lot about birthday cake, mint chip ice cream, Brownie Baked Alaska, and we talk a lot about baked goods, because the last time we did this you guys really seemed to like it! So we did it again. Plus we have book recommendations and a very important question at the end.

I want to thank Jacqueline, Amy, Verity for the recipes and Jasmine and Ellie for the questions! And if you would like to get in touch with us, you can email me at [email protected]. If you have ice cream or pastry or baked good recipes you want to share, we want to hear them. And I will have recipes that you have already shared with me in the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast!

This episode is brought to you by Never Conspire with a Sinful Baron by Renee Ann Miller, the fourth book in a steamy Victorian historical series. Last season, Nina Trent fell for a scoundrel, and this year she intends to choose more wisely. Baron Ralston offers to pretend to court her in order to attract a duke’s attention – a duke who is much more interested in fox hunting and sports than in marriage. Lady Nina thinks he’s the perfect catch, and she hopes Ralston’s attention will bring out the duke’s competitive nature – because that type of plan always works the people intend in a romance, right? Right, of course! Meanwhile, Ralston has another plan: he wants Nina and her dowry for himself, to rescue his estate and his fortunes. He does feel guilty, but their interludes of dancing, flirtation, and increasingly heated kisses become impossible for him to regret – until he realizes that he has placed Nina in real and imminent danger. Never Conspire with a Sinful Baron by Renee Ann Miller is the fourth book in The Infamous Lords series and is available now where books are sold. Find out more at reneeannmiller.com and kensingtonbooks.com.

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I have a compliment. I love this part. This is my favorite part of the intro!

To Angela K.: There is a small hidden group of ferociously intelligent people determined to make the world better, and your name is on their membership wishlist.

If you would like a compliment of your own handcrafted by me, have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches. Our Patreon community helps support the show, keeps it going, makes sure every episode has a transcript, and the Patreon community is entirely filled with excellent people.

Hello, Patreon community! You are most fabulous today.

I will have links to so many things, because we talk about a lot of, a lot of baked good, a lot of books, a lot of recipes. It’s a pretty fun episode, and I hope you really enjoy it, and stay tuned to the end, because you know I will have a terrible, terrible, terrible joke.

But now, let’s do the thing! On with today’s podcast, me and Amanda talking birthdays, baked goods, gaming, and books.

[music]

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Okay, can we just talk about, for a second, check this out: I have so much hair. I have, like, actual Farrah Fawcett flips going on over here.

Amanda: You look like a teen boy.

Sarah: I look like a what?

Amanda: [Laughs] A teen boy.

Sarah: Honestly, I’ve been telling people I have the hair of every boy band all at once. Like, all the members of BTS? I have all their hair.

Amanda: Oh, that’s a good point – you do have BTS hair.

Sarah: I have BTS hair! Like, it’s really weird. But I’m too freak- –

Amanda: That’s a good problem to have though.

Sarah: It’s not bad! I mean, apparently getting older means that my hair gets wavy? I don’t know what to do with wavy hair! I, I have no idea! Like –

Amanda: We’re on day two of me trying to make my own Vietnamese iced coffee?

Sarah: How’s it going?

Amanda: I can’t get the condensed milk to incorporate properly?

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: So I tried at first –

Sarah: You need one of those little mini whisk things.

Amanda: So the bookstore, their café has such good Vietnamese iced coffee, and I can’t get that right now.

Sarah: Of course.

Amanda: But I don’t think they whisk it! And I’ve tried doing cold brew, which I have, and hot coffee with lots of ice –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – hoping the hot coffee would soften it.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: No. There’s still like a good half inch of, like, condensed milk just sitting at the bottom.

Sarah: I would say that’s an emulsification problem, but I’m not sure if it’s emulsification.

Amanda: Listeners! If you know how to make a good Vietnamese iced coffee without any fancy extra equipment, please tell me.

Sarah: And really, it’s the quarantimes: why not order extra equipment, right?

Amanda: I’ve just been on, like, a, an East Asian food kick. I made my own boba?

Sarah: How was it?

Amanda: Delicious! I mean, super labor-intensive, having to, like, hand roll out all those little tiny balls, and some of them, you know, you have, like, the gigantic one and, like, a little teeny one and then, like –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – the ones that didn’t fit, like, wouldn’t go up my straw and just, like, plugged it.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And I made Chile Garlic Wings from Vietnamese Cooking Any Day. It’s a great cookbook, and that’s where I got my ice cream recipe too, which is delicious.

Sarah: So this was the no-churn ice cream, right?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: ‘Cause I have much to tell you about in the department of ice cream.

Amanda: Yes! So it’s sweetened condensed milk, heavy whipping cream, coffee, vanilla, salt, and you just use a hand mixer until your arm feels like it’s going to fall off.

Sarah: Well, yeah. That seems about right.

Amanda: And it’s, like, the consistency of frosting, and then you put it in the freezer.

Sarah: Oooh!

Amanda: And that’s it! That is it! It’s got a – as I told Eric – a silky mouthfeel.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Okay. So would you like a report on the Brownie Baked Alaska?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: Okay. So –

Amanda: It looked beautiful.

Sarah: It was, there was a blowtorch involved. All of the human males in my house –

Amanda: Got to be!

Sarah: – were extremely excited about this.

Amanda: Did they all take a turn with the blowtorch?

Sarah: No, they were like, no, we’re not to-, Adam was like, I’ve got it.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So he has this thing called a Bison. He bought a new grill last summer. It’s a –

Amanda: You got a Bison in your backyard.

Sarah: Yes. Seriously, I will, I will show you a picture of this thing. It is – first google of the podcast; here we go – Bison – I wonder if it’s called like an igniter or something?

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: This sounds like the character that you’d find in, like, Mortal Kombat.

Sarah: Okay. So the –

Amanda: Bison the Igniter! [Laughs]

Sarah: All right, Bison the Igniter is, Adam is, is like, this is the most redneck thing I have ever owned in my life. He loves it. It’s basically a giant blowtorch gun with an air vent so that he can light the coals on his ceramic grill, and it will light a grill, it will light a fire, it, we’ve used it for s’mores. He used it to torch –

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: – and it’s food safe, so he used to torch the Baked Alaska. He’s like, this is the greatest toy; I feel like such a badass. Here, I will drop a link in the chat of the, of the Zoom call for – it’s really impressive. It’s like it –

Amanda: As someone who is a reformed redneck, I will –

Sarah: Yeah, you need to own this, ‘cause it’s fucking amazing. So anyway, so there’s the Bison, which is like this giant blowtorch gun with a light on it! It lights, like –

Amanda: Wow!

Sarah: – bright! Yeah, this is not to be messed with. It’s –

Amanda: It looks like a sci-fi weapon.

Sarah: Yes! Like, he pulls it out of the closet and I’m like, God damn!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And the dogs are like, we’re leaving now! So for my birthday, which was on Saturday, I was asked, what do you want in terms of dessert? So I knew for dinner I wanted to make pasta. When we talked last time for, for your birthday –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – I had too many eggs, and we were making pasta, ‘cause we –

Amanda: Yes, that’s right.

Sarah: – had gotten a pasta maker. We have now made pasta four times, and there are so many eggs in this recipe, it might as well be a protein. Like, it’s maybe three-quarters of a cup of flor, of flour; I want to say three eggs and four yolks. I’m pretty sure this is a protein.

Amanda: I hate it when you have to separate yolks and you’re like, fuck, what am I going to do with this extra gunky, snotty whites?

Sarah: I will tell you what you’re going to do: you’re going to make Baked Alaska!

Amanda: Meringue! Make meringue!

Sarah: Exactly! Swiss meringue! Adam was like, this is a perfect thing! ‘Cause we got a, the, the whites from the eggs that we’re not using for the pasta, we’re going to use in the Baked Alaska. So the first thing you need to know is that the stand mixer has an ice cream maker attachment.

Amanda: You sent me a photo.

Sarah: It’s amazing. It, you, you, it’s fucking huge, so you have to, like, take up a lot of room in your freezer with it? But once it’s freeze, like, it’s totally frozen?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: The churning is done automatically by the stand mixer, and you just put all the ingredients in there and stir it all up, so Adam made mint chocolate chip ice cream and drizzled melted chocolate in it so you get those tiny, tiny little chips? Instead of like a big nugget of chocolate, it’s a tiny, tiny, tiny little one. Hang on. Adam’s just texted me, the garbage truck is here. I’m going to try to keep the dogs quiet.

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: No big deal; not going to happen. They don’t like –

Amanda: Also, in totally unrelated news, good news, I just got an email from Amazon Smile?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: So I use that when I – and so my donations, or, like, my purchases go to Planned Parenthood?

Sarah: Yeah?

Amanda: And Planned Parenthood received a quarterly donation of $14,595.24!

Sarah: From, from your orders?

Amanda: No, from –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: God, no! Oh boy!

Sarah: I was going to say, like, we need to talk about your Amazon order!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: What are you – are, are, what did you order, a car? Did you order a portable spa?

Amanda: No! I guess everyone who has it selected –

Sarah: That’s cool!

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: It’s very nice!

Amanda: Okay, back to –

Sarah: Back to Baked Alaska.

Amanda: – ice cream and chocolate.

Sarah: So Adam made mint chocolate chip ice cream with chocolate drizzle chips in it, and then we had a – so you, for the recipe – I will link to the recipe – you’re supposed to use store-bought ice cream and make a brownie. We made the ice cream and used a store-bought mix for the brownie, ‘cause we had a box –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – of Ghirardelli mix in the house. So we –

Amanda: Also, best brownie mix.

Sarah: Oh, it – and it’s, it’s interesting: like, brownies, people have opinions. Do you want them to be fudgy and chewy, or do you want them to have more of a cake texture? And I kind of like it in between, and the Ghirardelli box mix nails that. It’s very, very rich –

Amanda: I’m Team, Team Fudgy.

Sarah: I’m more on the fudgy side, but I don’t want it to be like, I don’t want it to be like the same consistency as a really thick lemon bar or, like, a block of icing? I need it to have some structure? And Ghirardelli nails that; it’s perfect. So we made the, a brownie in a springform, so it was round, and then we put all of the ice cream in a, like a round Pyrex and put that in the freezer so it was the dome, and then Adam and my younger son made the Swiss meringue with all the egg whites left over from the pasta. And that, I have never made Swiss meringue before?

Amanda: First, did you know there’s three types of meringue?

Sarah: I did! I had no idea about that either!

Amanda: I’m an Italian meringue fan.

Sarah: Really!

Amanda: Yeah, I made it, so for Thanksgiving I made a cranberry tart.

Sarah: Right! I remember the pictures.

Amanda: Yes! And so I made a meringue for on top, and it’s an Italian meringue, so there’s no, like, cooking involved, because, like, as it’s being whipped you pour in hot water –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: – to the meringue.

Sarah: That dissolves the sugars!

Amanda: Yes! And it’s so silky, and I, I brought the extra meringue to Thanksgiving, and at one point Eric’s dad and niece were just eating it with a spoon.

Sarah: That’s kind of what we were doing with the, with the Swiss meringue. Because you have to heat the egg whites with sugar, dissolve the sugar, and it looks disgusting. Like, it looks so –

[Laughter]

Sarah: My younger son was like, I don’t want to, I don’t, that’s real-, ugh, that’s really gross.

Amanda: I mean, when you first pour it in, it, it looks like cum, let’s be honest.

Sarah: [Laughs] That’s –

[Crosstalk]

Amanda: That’s what it looks like.

Sarah: – yeah, it looks really disgusting. And then you fire up the stand mixer, which is my youngest, my younger son’s absolute favorite toy.

Amanda: It’s wonderful.

Sarah: Oh, it’s just, prrrrrr! And then all of a sudden we had all this meringue. We piled it all over the mint chip ice cream and brownie dome, and it took some doing to get the mint chip ice cream out of the, out of the Pyrex. We will, we have some strategy for that next time. And then Adam fired up the Bison, like, aiming this flaming blowtorch gun at the big mound of Swiss meringue, and my older son, who has been living in the basement playing Minecraft with his friends –

Amanda: Same! Hard same!

Sarah: – excellent, excellent, excellent life plans – he comes hauling ass up the stairs: are you setting things on fire? Is it fire time?! So they’re all watching my husband blowtorch my birthday cake? It was amazing. So then we slice it, and it is so good. It was not too sweet; there was enough different, like, kinds of sweet; there was a – oh God, it was so. Good. And then we, like, shoved the remaining two-thirds in the freezer, so we have these, like, wedges of Baked Alaska to defrost for dessert tonight. It’s going to be so good! Oh my gosh, it was a-mazing. It was a good birthday.

Amanda: Good! I mean, speaking of birthdays, I don’t have a surprise birthday thing for your Zoom –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – but –

Sarah: Not to worry!

Amanda: – you do have a surprise on the way.

Sarah: I do?!

Amanda: Yeah, I had to consult Adam to get some extra information.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: My, like, subject line was Super Secret! And –

[Crosstalk]

Sarah: And you know he’s an attorney, so he was like, ooh, what’s that?

[Laughter]

Amanda: And answered my questions, so –

Sarah: So I just –

Amanda: – it’ll get there when it gets there.

Sarah: Thank you! When we did our episode for your birthday, we got so many recipes. It’s pretty great.

Amanda: It’s wonderful!

Sarah: So I figure what we should first do is acknowledge the nice people who sent us recipes, and then I’ll make sure to include them in the show notes so anyone who wants to make them?

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: All right. So this, first of all, I am of the opinion that it is always good to have at least one vegan or two vegan recipes in your repertoire, because, you know, you never know when you might need them, and it’s not that hard. You just need to know in advance that you’re not going to use any eggs –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – or dairy or butter or anything like that. Jacqueline sent us Hot Cocoa Vegan Crinkle Cookie recipes.

Amanda: I love a crinkle cookie.

Sarah: They’re, like, the best texture, right?

Amanda: They’re, yeah! They’re, like, a little chewy –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – and they’re just, like, pleasant to look at. [Laughs]

Sarah: And they’re so good with coffee or, or, like, a hot beverage. So her recipe – first of all, she said that she had a really crappy day the day that episode came out, but listening to us talk about treats made her day better.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So I hope, like, now, if you’re having a shit day, Jacqueline, you’re like, oh, well, this is amazing! Except for all of the things we just talked about are not vegan, so here’s, here’s Jacqueline’s recipe. It involves vegan butter, ground flax seed – which is actually really easy to work with – non-dairy milk, flour, cocoa powder, baking powder, salt, and some powdered sugar, and it’s super, super easy.

Amanda: And I feel like if you’re already vegan, you probably have that stuff on hand, too. If you’re –

Sarah: Oh yeah!

Amanda: – doing like everyone else is doing and doing, like, quarantine baking, you probably have –

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: – all that stuff.

Sarah: So did I tell you what we’re doing this coming week?

Amanda: No!

Sarah: So summer camp canceled – fucking hell.

Amanda: Major bummer.

Sarah: And – major bummer – so we’re doing, like, camp in the basement Minecraft, so one of the things we do during Camp Grownup when my kids are away at camp is that we make new recipes, and my younger son was like, well, can I make new recipes? And we’re like, uh, yeah!

Amanda: Of course!

Sarah: And he’s like, well, I want to learn how to make some Chinese food. I want to learn how to make Sesame Chicken. So this weekend we’re going to make Sesame Chicken –

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: – and I bought everything to make doughnuts, including the, the, the stuff you need to fry doughnuts? Like, a, like, one of those little spider whisks and –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – the cookie cutter to make the doughnuts, but I also bought a baking tin for, for doughnuts, so you can pour the batter in and then bake them? So we’re going to have a –

Amanda: Ohhh!

Sarah: – fried versus baked doughnuts taste test.

Amanda: Are you going to go, like, traditional, like, glazed, cake? Like, they have to be the same flavor.

Sarah: Yes. We’re going to have to try to come up with similar recipes, although the cooking method is different –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – so the ingredients will differ, but we’re going to try to do like kind comparisons? But I have recipes for glazed, pumpkin, chocolate, and then I also have a recipe to take the center piece out of the doughnut cookie cutter so I can make a whole round doughnut and then –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – do Boston Cream or cream-filled. Yeah, we’re, we’re going full pastry cream; I don’t give a shit. [Laughs]

Amanda: That’s fine!

Sarah: Yep, quaran-baking. Then did you see the link that Amy sent us to Bumpy Cake? Did you see this?

Amanda: No! I, I read it; I was like, Bumpy Cake? What the heck is that?

Sarah: So I’ve never seen this before?

Amanda: It reminds me of the, the dump cake, the name, but I don’t know –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – if it’s the same.

Sarah: It looks so good. It’s from Sanders Candy, which I’ve never heard of.

Amanda: No!

Sarah: It is a Devil’s Food Cake topped with – keyword – buttercream –

Amanda: Oooh!

Sarah: – bumps. So they put big bumps of buttercream on it, like, like ridges, and then they drape the whole thing in fudge icing.

Amanda: Wow. Oh.

Sarah: So there’s a chocolate Devil’s Food Cake with rows of buttercream and then chocolate on top. What could, I – yeah!

Amanda: I love it!

Sarah: What could –

Amanda: I want it.

Sarah: – possibly go wrong?

And then Verity asked if we still needed to use up eggs. I don’t actually need to use up eggs ‘cause it’s now June, but I do buy a lot of eggs at this point because we’re doing a lot of baking, and she sent me a recipe for Oreo Brownies and Peppermint Creams. Life is really good!

Amanda: Have you ever made – what were they called? I made it in college. Like, slut, Slutty Brownies?

Sarah: I have never made Slutty Brownies, but you know I went to a women’s college in the South, and I feel like that part of my college education was missing.

Amanda: I think it’s like a layer of, so the base is brownie.

Sarah: Why are they slutty?

Amanda: I, I don’t know!

Sarah: Well –

Amanda: Well, so the –

Sarah: Do I, do I need to, why do we, why are we slut-shaming brownies? That’s so wrong.

Amanda: I mean, no! We’re not slut-shaming brownies; there’s nothing wrong with the word slut.

Sarah: Okay. So –

Amanda: So the base is usually brownie –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – and then you have, the middle layer is Oreo –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – and then the top layer is chocolate chip cookie.

Sarah: Buh?

Amanda: Yeah, and you bake it.

Sarah: Whoa.

Amanda: Yeah, so you have, like, brownie dough, Oreos, cookie dough.

Sarah: So it’s like the terrible sibling of Cookie Cake Pie.

Amanda: I’ve never had Cookie Cake Pie!

Sarah: I have had Cookie Cake Pie. Once upon a time, when RWA was in DC and I lived in New Jersey and Heather Osborne, who at the time worked for Tor – I think she lived somewhere in New York – she made a Cookie Cake Pie, and she got on Amtrak with the Cookie Cake Pie in a carrier and got one of the table seats on the Amtrak? So then I got on and found her, and we sat there and very carefully escorted the Cookie Cake Pie to RWA so we could –

Amanda: You were like security for the Cooke Cake Pie.

Sarah: [Laughs] Yes, I was Cookie Cake Pie security, and it was – wow! You could not eat a big piece of Cooke Cake Pie, ‘cause it’s a lot of pastry in one thing, but ooh, was it good. Mm. Wow!

I did read in the BraveTart cookbook – have you ever read this?

Amanda: Yes, it’s fantastic.

Sarah: It’s a wonderful cookbook, but in there is a whole thing about how fudge was invented by a bunch of women, I want to say at Wellesley, where they figured out how to make fudge on a little cooktop in their dorms –

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: – ‘cause they weren’t allowed to cook? BraveTart, Stella Parks, traced the recipe back to the specific women who figured it out initially, and having lived in a dorm with no kitchen, I completely see people, like –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – making fudge on the radiator!

Amanda: They’re just like so desperate that it’s like –

Sarah: Like, really desperate.

Amanda: – this is, has to work!

Sarah: This is going to work. Have you ever made the sauce, the tomato sauce where you take a can of San Marzano tomatoes –

Amanda: And an onion?

Sarah: – half an onion, and some butter? We made that to go with the pasta, and I just, like, I just wanted to eat the sauce with a spoon.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: It’s so good!

Amanda: I think I read about it on Smitten Kitchen?

[Crosstalk]

Sarah: That was the one, that’s where I got the recipe from. I have to make myself –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – a note now that I don’t forget.

Amanda: I’ve done it! It’s, it’s super easy!

Sarah: To –

[Crosstalk]

Sarah: So let’s see, I need a link to the Brownie Baked Alaska and the tomato sauce and the pasta. Yep, I won’t forget, people; don’t worry.

Right, we got some listener mail, dude.

Amanda: Let’s do it!

Sarah: All right, you want to, you want to tackle Jasmine? ‘Cause this is entirely your street. You, you and Adam both like books that are, you know, nine thousand pages long.

Amanda: All right, hold on. I remember when you sent this to me, because it’s like, oh, how, like, what a coincidence! I just wrote something for Book Riot on this exact topic.

Have you seen my hair naturally curly?

Sarah: No, I’ve only ever seen you straighten it.

Amanda: So, so I’ve been wearing it, like this –

Sarah: Wow!

Amanda: – these are my curls.

Sarah: You have great curls! How do you hate your curls? They’re gorgeous!

Amanda: So I’ve been wearing it like this, so I got a shag kind of haircut, and she really thinned it out, and I’ve been wearing it –

Sarah: That’s ‘cause you have a lot of hair.

Amanda: Yeah, and I’ve been wearing it cur-, I haven’t straight- – 

Sarah: Your hair is beautiful with these waves!

Amanda: Thank you!

Sarah: What – this is a thing: those of us with straight hair do not understand –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – people with curly hair who don’t like having curly hair, and then the people with curly hair are like, I love straight hair! And I’m like, no, it goes flat, and it’s annoying, and –

Amanda: Well, normally it, like –

Sarah: Your hair is gorgeous with all those waves!

Amanda: – it turns into like a, an afro. Like, it goes boof! But she, like, knew it, what she was doing to, like, not let the curls, like, overwhelm my head, so I’ve been wearing it curl- – I can’t remember the last time I straightened my hair. So –

Sarah: It looks great!

Amanda: – she’s making, like, she was wonderful. My friend recommended her. Yeah, and it’s, the studio I go to is, like, a, like, a pretty, like, feminist, activist hair salon. They’re like, all the people who work there are just like badass –

Sarah: Awesome! What’s the name of it?

Amanda: Shout out to Clementine Hair Studio in, I think, Somerville. Yeah.

Sarah: Dope! All right, you want to tackle Jasmine’s question?

Amanda: Yes, yes, it’s up now. Okay.

Sarah: All right, do it!

Amanda: Jasmine:

So with the social distancing in effect, I was curious if y’all could do an episode on long/epic, five-hundred-plus page romance reads. I’m working my way through books too fast. I hope you and your family –

Sarah: I hear you.

Amanda: – and all the Bitches are holding up okay.

Sarah: Hey, Jasmine. We have asked the right person for this question.

Amanda: [Laughs] So with romance, you can find a ton of long series.

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: Usually the way it goes, so, like, if I’m thinking, there’s lots of long paranormal series: Nalini Singh –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – Kresley Cole. All of theirs are like over ten books by now. The Maiden Lane –

[Crosstalk]

Sarah: – that they are over ten thousand.

Amanda: [Laughs] And then Elizabeth Hoyt’s Maiden Lane I think is twelve books? And normally romance tends to be below four hundred, so they usually are like high two hundreds to like 380 in terms of pages.

Sarah: Usually they’re around mass market paperback length.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: And the length is changing a little bit as the format changes, but –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – yeah, they’re generally three, oh, four, three fifty, that kind of thing.

Amanda: So, but I did compile a list for Book Riot on longer reads that, like, span I think four –

Sarah: And you’ll send me a link for the show notes, right?

Amanda: Yes – four hundred to five hundred, 501 to six hundred, and then there are a couple six hundred plus.

Sarah: Damn!

Amanda: A lot of older romances are above five hundred. So you have The Wolf and the Dove by Kathleen Woodiwiss –

Sarah: Oh, that’ll take you down some paths.

Amanda: – and Paradise by Judith McNaught is a, a big ‘un. But, like, those are older. So, you know, your mileage may vary.

Sarah: Paradise was one of my favorite rereads.

Amanda: I’ve only read one Judith McNaught, and I think I’ve mentioned this before, that she has another book that I cannot and will not read, because the hero has the same first and last name of the boy I dated throughout high school.

Sarah: Oh shit! [Laughs] I can understand that. Holy crap! I had no idea Paradise was seven hundred pages!

Amanda: Yeah! Yes, it is!

Sarah: Holy crap! I did not know that! Oh my goodness!

Amanda: Surprise!

Sarah: Yeah, that’s, that’s like a, that’s a very soapy book.

Amanda: Oh yeah.

Sarah: It’s very, very sudsy. I love that book. I did like Perfect even more, and Perfect is 708! My goodness!

Amanda: She writes a lot of –

[Crosstalk]

Sarah: Dang! I forgot those books were so long. The type –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: This must have been, these, this is why I read these books a long time ago, because the typeface was so small –

[Laughter]

Sarah: – I didn’t notice at the time, ‘cause my eyes weren’t so bad! Wow! Oh! Yeah, that –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – ah, yep, mm-hmm! Perfect is the one with all the movie star gossip in it.

Amanda: Yeah! Ooh!

Let’s see, so Milla Vane’s new series, A Heart of Blood and Ashes, is over five hundred, I believe. If you like sci-fi romance, Linnea Sinclair, who, to me, was, like, my first sci-fi romance author, she writes a lot of five-hundred-plus books, ‘cause oftentimes she has some that, like, there are two romances going on at the same time. Kristen Ashley has a lot of longer titles, though she does a lot of steamy contemporaries with, like, alpha heroes, and then she has, like, one fantasy series that has, like, parallel –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – like, universes? And I think those are the ones that are definitely on the longer side.

Sarah: Yes. And there’s a lot of detail in her books.

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: She’s a, she’s a writer that’s a bit for me like, like how I describe Shelly Laurenston? Either it’s going to work for you, or you’re going to be like, no, this is –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – not for me.

Amanda: Yep. There are certain authors, like, they have a, like, a voice and a tone –

Sarah: And a style.

Amanda: Yeah. A style that –

Sarah: That’s exactly it.

Amanda: Some of them do not work for me, but I know people who, like, love certain authors and I just, like, I can’t make it through one of their books.

Sarah: Kristen Ashley I’ve often, her books, I’ve often seen described as like Pringles? You just –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – can’t stop reading.

Amanda: Oh yeah. Then the two other ones that I want to mention – there’s more on the list that I linked – The Wall of Winnipeg and Me by Mariana Zapata. This has been recommended on the site, to me, everywhere, so many times. It’s super slow burn.

Sarah: But that’s not your thing! You like immediate banging and dirty talk!

Amanda: I mean, I like an enemies-to-lovers –

Sarah: That’s true.

Amanda: – scenario.

Sarah: That’s true, that’s true. I stand corrected.

Amanda: But sometimes I’m very impatient, and I’m like, can we just stop – [laughs] – and just go straight to the banging, please and thank you?

And then the last one I want to mention that I feel like is like a cult classic or has, like, a really cult following and I feel like was so ahead of its time? Land of the Beautiful Dead by R. Lee Smith. That one is huge. It’s kind of like an apocalyptic horror romance, and it was the longest book that I mentioned on my, on my Book Riot list. Is unlike anything I have ever read in my entire life, especially romance, and as someone who loves horror movies and horror books, like, this was like a lovely intersection of two of my interests.

Sarah: Those flavors don’t often get mixed.

Amanda: Mm-mm!

Sarah: [Laughs] Now I’m thinking, ooh, what kind of illustrated cover would publishing put on a horror romance mix?

Amanda: Oh God.

Sarah: And I’m a terrible person. Please forgive me for being horrible.

[Laughter]

Sarah: That’s, those are a long, those are long-ass books.

Amanda: Also, if, if you keep up with a, a Goodreads account, you can go to your Want to Read list and enable – oh God, there’s a street sweeper coming down my road – you can choose to show the page numbers on the books.

Sarah: Oh, you mean the page count?

Amanda: Yeah, page count, and you can –

Sarah: Ooh, sort by page count!

Amanda: – sort ascending/descending page count on Goodreads. That is –

Sarah: Oooh!

Amanda: – available, so if you want to see, like, what are the longest books you have on your To Read list that you want to, like, knock out.

Sarah: That’s very smart. I’m still blown away that Paradise and Perfect are seven-hundred-page books, and I’m sure –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – if I were to have, if I still had my copies, I would find that I could not read the text because – [laughs] – it would be too small for my eyeballs.

Amanda: You’d have to get one of the little magnifiers, the page magnifiers.

Sarah: Yes, or I’d have to go visit the eye doctor and be like, I need, I need a third pair of glasses.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: ‘Cause you know I wear bifocals? So I have the, the blended bifocals where I can see close, and then I can see far, but then I have the ones that I’m wearing now, which are my computer glasses, which I have also heard described as painter glasses for, like, people who paint? Everything that is –

Amanda: Oh.

Sarah: – about an arm’s distant away is in focus. Nothing else is in focus. It’s very relaxing? Like, the minute I put them on my brain’s like, ooh, it’s work time! We’re going to look at the computer and nothing else. And then I get up and walk around, and I’m like, why can’t I see anything?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So I’m going to need another pair of glasses to go read these paperbacks, ‘cause I’m sure the text is –

Amanda: Just like a, Judith McNaught glasses; that’s it.

Sarah: [Laughs] Yes, itty-bitty! Or I’ll find them online and crank that text size up to comfort level. Comfort text, that’s what I love.

Amanda: It makes me feel, like, so good when I bump the, like, font size up on my Kindle?

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Amanda: ‘Cause I can, like, go through pages so quickly. I’m like, oh, I’m reading so fast! But it’s like, I’m not?

Sarah: Oh.

Amanda: [Laughs] I’m just, the text is just way bigger?

Sarah: One of the ways that I talk myself into getting in, on the treadmill is – especially because I keep injuring myself when I run? It’s super annoying; I keep injuring my hip, and, and I would like to run, ‘cause I really like endorphins. Endorphins are fucking great, but I keep injuring myself. So I keep telling my, okay, you can walk and read, because I can, I can zoom out with my fingers on my phone, and there’s, like, you know, seven words on the screen at a time – [laughs] – but I can read and walk on the treadmill at the same time. I was on the treadmill for fifty minutes this morning because I was super into my book. I’m rereading Murderbot again.

And I got, I got Adam to read them. I’m really excited! And I had to talk him into it, because I was like, okay, I know that each novella is going to seem short, but each novella’s about 176 or so pages –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – so if you combine them all, that is more like the length of the books that you like to read. Like, he likes a book that’s 900 pages.

Amanda: And then there is an actual book now! There is a –

Sarah: I know!

Amanda: – full-length book!

Sarah: It’s so good!

Amanda: Also, as someone who has tried multiple times in terms of, like, working out and running, I’m like, you know, when you’re depressed all the time they’re like, oh, work out! It’ll give you, like, endorphins! Nothing! I’m, I’m waiting on those endorphins!

Sarah: Fuck!

Amanda: Any, any time it’s like, let’s go for a walk, it’s like, I hate it. Like, I’m just waiting –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – for, like, I’m waiting to find some kind of, like, physical activity or, like, being outside thing that I enjoy. I’m –

Sarah: Would you like a suggestion?

Amanda: Oh boy. I mean, have at it.

Sarah: Have you tried any YouTube videos of something like kickboxing? Or –

Amanda: I haven’t tried kickboxing.

Sarah: Or if you really want to go old school and enjoy some fine, fine unitards, find an old video of Tae Bo.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Because they –

Amanda: I just get bored! I’m like, ugh!

Sarah: Yeah, it’s boring as fuck! It’s super fucking boring, but if you’re, I have found that if I’m punching things –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – I know about how long I get to go about punching the shit out of things, I feel pretty good. So you might want to try punching things.

Amanda: Okay. I just, I, I know this is so – I mean, I’m sure some people feel the same way I do – I hate being outside. I hate the outdoors.

Sarah: Really? I was just outside. I came in to record. I’ve been spending my whole time – I love –

Amanda: I hate it! I was never an outdoors-y kid.

Sarah: Well, you lived in north Florida where the humidity would like to try to kill you.

Amanda: And, like, as a fun –

Sarah: It’s air you can wear!

Amanda: – as a fun weekend activity, my dad would be like, why don’t you go outside and pick up sticks on our twenty acres of land?

Sarah: [Laughs] Nooo! Not fun!

Amanda: And so I would go and pick up sticks.

Sarah: Well, I mean, to, to, to be fair, you are allergic to a lot of the things outside.

Amanda: Right now, yeah. As – you can’t see me, listeners, but I have gone through – let’s see, where’s my tissue pile?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: These, this is my current tissue pile. It will quadruple.

Sarah: Oh man. I’m sorry you have such bad allergies, though. I can understand not wanting to go outside.

Amanda: This, we’re on like year six or seven, ‘cause this wasn’t an issue in Florida. In New England, I get –

Sarah: Yes, but then you were in Florida!

Amanda: I, I know. You win some, you lose some!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And I’m –

Sarah: And then you have humidity!

Amanda: [Laughs] losing some.

Sarah: Like, air that is chewy. Chewy brownie air.

Amanda: Well, I get this all the time. It’s like, when I complain about the heat, they’re like, well, aren’t you from Florida? I was like, listen –

Sarah: No, that’s not how that works! You scurry from air-conditioned location to air-conditioned location!

Amanda: That’s exactly – Florida is just going from one AC to another AC.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: I don’t have to get sweaty on the subway.

Sarah: In fact, you need to pack layers! [Laughs]

Amanda: I know – I’m cold. I’m hot! When I was looking for apartments up here, there would be listings like, oh, no central AC! And as someone who, like, was birthed into central AC –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – I am like, what kind of fucking monsters don’t have central air?

Sarah: I can tell you, in New York City, when I used to work in Manhattan, you knew that the heat had arrived because it looked like every apartment building broke out in square acne.

Amanda: Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop!

Sarah: Everyone puts their window units out, and it’s like, every, all these gorgeous buildings, they all have square acne all the way down. And you have to, you can see that a certain portion of the sidewalk will remain clear because the condensate will drip down onto the sidewalk, and you get, like, cold, cold AC water in your hair!

Amanda: Ugh!

Sarah: Oh! And it, first of all, of course you think it was, you know, you’ve been crapped on by a very cold bird. But yeah, there, not central air, when we first moved to our home in New Jersey and we had central air installed, it was a really big deal, ‘cause houses didn’t have central air, and I’d never had it before? And –

Amanda: It’s a beautiful thing.

Sarah: Oh my gosh, ah! We come in from, like, walking the dogs and it’s really humid, and we walk in and we’re like, ahhh! It’s so nice! And then it’s super humid out a lot of the time. My older son opened the back door to come talk to me on the back deck, and he walked out and was like, oh! Oh, what, what is the, what is this?

Amanda: [Laughs] It, like, hits you!

Sarah: Yes! It’s like a wall of hot, it’s like a curtain of air.

All right, I have a question for you from Ellie.

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: In a semi-related question, have y’all ever done a feature about how you find books on sale? Obviously readers send them in and you check daily deals. Do you get a heads-up from publishers or anything like that? I’ve always been super curious about the behind-the-scenes on Books on Sale. Anyway, have a great day.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Thank you, Ellie! Amanda is the mastermind of our Books on Sale.

Amanda: I’ve been doing –

Sarah: She has many, many methods.

Amanda: – Books on Sale for a long time!

Sarah: Yeah! And you’re so good at it!

Amanda: Thank you! So there are two websites that I check every morning. One is BookBub, and the other is eReaderIQ, and I like eReaderIQ because, I like that more than BookBub because you can sort by – I, usually what I do is Maximum Price four dollars, ‘cause we usually don’t feature book sales that are above $3.99 –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – unless they’re, like, super good, and then I can click, like, books that have been updated within the last twenty-four hours, within the last week, or since my last visit.

Sarah: So you’re getting the latest deals.

Amanda: Yeah. So I usually click Since my last visit, ‘cause I check it every morning, and I just kind of like scroll through and –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – and pick. And that’s usually the main way I find books, and sometimes there’ll be, like, really good sale days where, you know –

Sarah: Well, especially lately! Holy hell!

Amanda: Yeah! There’ll be like eight books that I think I would want to feature, but we only do four per post, so I kind of keep a running list, because sometimes you’ll get like a, a slower day where like nothing is on sale or nothing new is on sale, so I always have something to pull from.

Sometimes publishers do let us know, and authors, if they know their book is going on sale, so we do have, like, a little insider, hey, these books are going to be dropping.

Sarah: Sometimes publishers send us a whole spreadsheet, and I get so excited.

[Laughter]

Amanda: Yeah, sometimes we do get spreadsheets.

Sarah: And sometimes like, please don’t tell anyone I send you this, so I won’t say who sends them –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – but sometimes we get a spreadsheet and it’s fucking amazing!

Amanda: So sometimes we do get a heads-up. Or sometimes, you know, we’ll get an author like, I didn’t even know my book was $1.99 this week!

Sarah: That happens a lot, where we find out –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and the author doesn’t know.

Amanda: So I think more so than usual, people don’t know or aren’t aware?

Sarah: But I also think lately book publishers are putting books on sale, like, a lot faster. I saw –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – remember seeing some new releases go on sale within like four weeks!

Amanda: Yeah, we had a, there was a, a discussion in the comments about, like, you know, we want to support authors and buy their books when they come out or like the $12.99 e-book, and then it kind of like –

Sarah: Right, ‘cause the books are trade format, so the e-book is more expensive.

Amanda: Yeah, and then it feels, like, shitty when like three weeks later they’ve dropped it to $3.99 for a week. And you’re like –

Sarah: And, you know, at the same time, I get it, ‘cause bookstores aren’t open, and –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – they have to do something to drive sales, because there’s, you know, sixty percent or seventy percent of the places where a person would go buy a physical book are closed right now?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Those that are open aren’t really carrying a lot of romance? Like, I get it! This is a really tough question. I also think sales’ll go down a lot more, the, the number of sales will decrease as more and more places open for business.

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: But then we all might be back in at home orders this fall, so who the hell knows what’ll happen?

Amanda: Ugh! And I think that’s kind of the two tools I use. I mean, I always check the Kindle Daily Deals. So, like, if you’re looking at a book on Amazon, there’s, like, a little bar at the top that says Kindle Book Deals, and if you didn’t know, Kindle ha-, or does do daily deals, but they also have monthly deals?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: So those are the places I typically check, and then just, like, honestly, following, if you’re on social media, following a lot of book people, like authors, book reviewers, that sort of thing, on Twitter is also –

Sarah: Mm-hmm?

Amanda: – super helpful?

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: Because publishers will post about deals, authors will post about deals, people who just love books will be like, hey, I loved this book, and it’s $1.99 right now, so –

Sarah: Yep.

Zeb: Bark!

Sarah: Zeb also supports your –

Amanda: Thanks, Zeb!

Sarah: Yep, Zeb supports Books on Sale. It’s fine; don’t worry!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah:  Dude. Shush! Shush!

The other thing I think though that helps is that, unlike me, you remember books very well, so you remember titles and authors, so when you see something that’s on sale, you’re going to remember, oh, this book is this author and this part of the series, and we have this review, and you have this much better memory for things like that, so you’ll recognize a sale as relevant faster than I will.

Amanda: Yeah, it’s always better if I can include some kind of, like, link to a review or –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – like, so-and-so mentioned this in Whatcha Reading? or, like, so-and-so was excited for this, you know –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – in May.

Sarah: Right, and you remember because you’ve already entered it into the Repository.

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: ‘Cause the way, the way site works – here’s some more behind-the-scenes joy –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – the website is actually – how many? I’m going to look and count real quick. So we have one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight – I think eight – eight different types of WordPress blogs tied together. They’re in one control panel, but there’s multiple –

Amanda: We’re a Franken-, FrankenWordPress.

Sarah: We’re a Frankenblog, basically. There’s –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: There’s posts, and then there’s reviews, which is a separate section; the podcast is a separate feed; we have an FAQ, our events, Stuff We Like. All of that is separate blogs, and they’re all sort of compiled together into this main masterpiece of programming. We have this thing called the Book Repository, which is basically a database, so when you search the Book Finder, which is smartbitchestrashybooks.com/bookfinder, you’re actually searching the book, the Book Repository. All of the books that we’ve mentioned that were on sale, that we’ve reviewed, that we talked about, that we’ve said something about, they go in the Repository with all of the retailer links, which is another thing that Amanda’s in charge of, but because you do all the Repo and because you remember shit, you can identify, oh, I’ve already talked about this title. I know we have access to this title, and I know it’s in the Repository. Which is very helpful.

Amanda: To, to give people just a, a number –

Sarah: Ooh, how many are in the Repo right now?

Amanda: Do you want to take a guess?

Sarah: I’m going to guess we’re over eight thousand.

Amanda: We are! We are, total is 8,783.

Sarah: Holy balls! Wow!

Amanda: And out of that 8,783, I have manually entered 8,272 of those books.

Sarah: Holy balls! Nice job!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I am deeply impressed!

Amanda: So I get to know these books very well!

Sarah: And you remember, like, you’ll remember many more details about them than I will, which is really, really incredible to me, because I don’t remember –

Amanda: I just have, like, a very, like, visual brain. It’s like, oh, it’s that book with this cover and, you know, like –

Sarah: Yeah, mm-mm. Not me. I’ll remember, if I’m reading print, I will remember what page and what side of the book, like left or right –

Amanda: Ooh.

Sarah: – top or bottom?

Amanda: Can’t do that!

Sarah: I, I remember the spatial location of information and words.

Amanda: So it’s so interesting –

Sarah: Doesn’t work with digital.

Amanda: – I am so bad with, like, spatial, like, estimations and, like, spatial, like, reasoning.

Sarah: Can you find your way out of a department store?

Amanda: Ooh.

Sarah: I always know how to get out of the department store exactly the way I went in.

Amanda: If I’ve –

Sarah: I can landmark myself.

Amanda: If I’ve been there –

Sarah: Before?

Amanda: – like – yes, if I’ve been there –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – a few times, yes –

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: – but, like, my first or probably second time visiting a large department store is a bit of a, a crapshoot.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I can always find myself in and out, find my way in and out of places; I remember my spatial location very easily, and I remember ways to get in and out of anything; but I’m also a terrible person to get directions from because I’m not going to remember the words of the names of the streets, but I could –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – and this is super a Pittsburgh thing. Like, I know a lot of people who are my age who grew up in Pittsburgh who will give directions like, okay, so you go to the street where the Isaly’s used to be, but now it’s something else, and you turn left there, and you go until you can see the Giant Eagle with the good salad bar, and then you go – [laughs] – you know, it’s, it’s all spatial and landmark, so I think in terms of space and landmark, and I remember where things are.

Amanda: No, I’m more like, oh, I’m in Levi’s purgatory, and I live here now.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Like, this is now my home!

[Crosstalk]

Sarah: – Kate Spade person, ‘cause I came in at Kate Spade, I turned left at belts, and that’s where I went into the mall. And now it’s time the garbage persons –

Zeb: Bark!

Sarah: – to do the collecting, because the dog –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – is like, garbage! Garbage truck! It’s big! And I can – they’re getting old, and their, their vision’s getting cloudy –

Amanda: Oh no!

Sarah: – so, like, when they can actually identify a large object that is outside they, like, give –

Amanda: They’re like, yes!

Sarah: Oh, I know something’s there now! It’s not just, I think there was a squirrel; I can see the truck!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So we will do a future episode with our next question, ‘cause it’s a longer one. We’ll talk, we’ll do a whole separate episode about audiobooks, but I do want to ask you: what are you reading, ma’am?

Amanda: Nothing. [Laughs]

Sarah: Hey! Brains are tired, yo.

Amanda: I’ve, I’ve been keeping everyone, like, informed on Slack. It’s mostly videogames.

Sarah: Have you played any of the games in the bundle that –

Amanda: No! But I did buy the bundle!

Sarah: Oh, I bought the fuck out of that bundle! Hang on, the bundle for racial – I want to get the title right. Bundle for Racial Justice and Equality from itch.io, and it’s like fifty games at this point! Up to, close to sixty, I think!

Amanda: So the thing is, it’s like I’ve been toying with setting up my desktop PC again?

Sarah: Mm-hmm!

Amanda: Because I can game much better on that than on my Mac laptop?

Sarah: Yes, this is something I wanted to discuss with you; thank you for bringing it up.

Amanda: [Laughs] So I’m kind of like holding off on that, ‘cause I used to play, like, original Stardew Valley on my PC. This is, like, before they, like, introduced multiplayer, but hon-, I have a Switch, and honestly, it’s been the best purchase I have made in a very long time.

Sarah: Aren’t they great?

Amanda: I’ve been playing Animal Crossing and my – so if you don’t play Animal Crossing, this is just going to sound like a foreign language to you – but there’s something called the Stalk Market where you buy –

Sarah: Stalk.

Amanda: Stalks, S-T-A-L-K, and you buy –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – turnips from this little hog girl named Daisy Mae every Sunday morning, and she’ll be like, turnips are 105 bells. So you buy as many as you want, and then throughout the week your local general store on your island will offer you prices for your turnips. So you could take a loss, you could make a gain –

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: – you could break – so it’s like the stock market.

Sarah: But it’s S-T-A-L-K.

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: Yep.

Amanda: So my, I – we shorten them to ‘nips – so my ‘nips were five hundred and something bells.

Sarah: ‘Nips.

Amanda: Yeah. And I have so many friends, like, come to my island and, like, sell their, sell their ‘nips at my store, and one of my friends, who I haven’t seen since January – I met her at the bookstore; name’s Emma; she’s twenty-two, and I feel like it should be illegal for me to be friends with a twenty-two-year-old, but she is the sweetest, kindest person, and she left to finish college in California in January; came back once this pandemic started; was going to help at the bookstore; then the bookstore closed, so we haven’t been able to link back up.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: But she, like, came to my island and was like, oh my God, your stuff is so cute! And I, she’s like, give me tour! And then she’s like, you should come to my island! And so I went to her island. I was like, Emma, how can you say my island is beautiful? Your island is beautiful! My island looks like a dump, dumpster! Like –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: The Animal Crossing, like, playing and, like, community has just been, like, so wholesome and sweet? Like, she’s like, oh, so, no, your island is adorable! I love your entrance! You look cute! Like, just from, like, strangers, and when you, when your island has reached like five-star level, like you have, like everyone who lives there is happy, a mysterious flower will grow on your island called Lily of the Valley. Like, you can’t plant it –

Sarah: Ohhh!

Amanda: – it just shows up when you get a five-star island, and I had one show up this week after my friend Emma visited.

Sarah: Oh, yay!

Amanda: I know! [Laughs] I, like, sent her a photo. The Lily of the Valley popped up right next to my creepy doll graveyard, so –

Sarah: Right next to my creepy doll graveyard. Right, yeah, okay.

Amanda: Yeah. And then I’ve been playing a lot of Minecraft with my brother!

Sarah: This is so adorable! Because he’s in –

Together: – South Korea –

Amanda: He goes to –

Sarah: – , and you, you, and you get up early, and he stays up late so you can play Minecraft together.

Amanda: Yeah, so –

Sarah: Is this on the Switch?

Amanda: Yeah! And he’s thirteen hours ahead? So, and, like, he hopped on during his lunch break yesterday to, like, repair our railway?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: So. A creeper exploded ‘cause I was an idiot and destroyed part of our railway. [Laughs]

Sarah: It happens.

Amanda: But, like, we, we built, like, a little railroad between our bases, and –

Sarah: That’s so cute!

Amanda: Just, like, videogames right now have been a, a very good way for me to stay connected with, like –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – people.

Sarah: Yes. I know the, the subreddit for Minecraft experienced incredible, exponential growth during the quarantimes, because people were signing on, be like, okay – I know my older son connected with all of his camp friends who he’s not seeing this year on, on Minecraft. My younger son is playing on, on the Xbox with his school friends, so they’re all hanging out, because we, we’re, we’re still not allowed to hang out together. That’s not a thing.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So it’s amazing how you can connect through different, different videogames.

Now, I do want to tell you a book –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – before I forget, and then I have –

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: – an important question for us to debate, and then we can –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – ask the listening audience to weigh in –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – whether or not this is a complete doofy idea.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: In the review that I wrote for the Murderbot novel by Martha Wells, which is Network Effect –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – which is really, really good – in the review comments, there were all of these people making sci-fi and space recommendations that romance readers might also like, and I remember doing a podcast with you where we talked about space. I was like, ah –

Amanda: Space is very horny –

Sarah: – I’m not into the space –

Amanda: – or it’s garbage.

Sarah: Yeah, I am with you in space.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I have been reading some spacey romances, older ones had really good, like –

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: I read one called Dark Horse by Michelle, I want to say Diener, but if I’m saying that wrong, I apologize.

Amanda: Yes, yes! Yes!

Sarah: And it’s the first of a series, and you know I suck at series, so I’m going to start, and then I’m going to stop.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: But I read Dark Horse, and it’s about this woman from Earth who is kidnapped, and there’s a sentient AI – apparently I like sentient AIs that are smartasses? Big fan – and –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – I had the best time reading this book! I had –

Amanda: Good!

Sarah: – such a good time! So now I have the, on, on my TBR, The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet by Becky Chambers?

Amanda: Oh, that is so good!

Sarah: Earthrise and Mindtouch by M. C. A. Hogarth –

Amanda: Don’t know that.

Sarah: – and of course I’m in the middle of rereading Murderbot because I finally got Adam to read the series, and I’m like, so where are you? What’s going on? What are you doing, huh? I’m not annoying! I’m not annoying at all!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Where are you? What’s happening in the book? Are you still in book one? What’s going on? And it takes him a really long time to get into a series, and then he’s going to be into it, and then he’s going to be really into it, so I’m just sort of like trying not to bug him too much, but I’m like, come on, I hope you’re loving it  –

Amanda: You’re just waiting for the, the switch.

Sarah: I’m waiting for, I’m waiting for the turbo to kick on, and I’m like, ohhh –

Amanda: Right.

Sarah: – I hope you really like it, ‘cause I really like this sarcastic asshole robot! [Laughs] I love it so much!

Amanda: Did you – Carrie wrote the review for How Rory Thorne Destroyed the Multiverse?

Sarah: Yes, I have seen that. Should I add that to my list?

Amanda: Did you – yeah! I picked it up because of that review, and it’s just like a lot of fun?

Sarah: Mmm!

Amanda: It’s like space, but also like fantasy. Like, think of, like, fairytale conventions, but set in space.

Sarah: Ohhh really!

Amanda: Yes, really!

Sarah: Excuse me, I will be doing that.

Okay, so here’s the thing that I’m debating. We’ve already talked a little bit about this –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – but I’m willing to open it up. I have been debating getting a gaming PC, because I have a, a Mac laptop, but it’s like my whole, like, job and business is on the laptop. I try to –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – try to keep it, like, not full of videogames as well. And I’ve been debating getting a gaming B, gaming PC, and then you and I would do videogame streaming. Yeah. So we would do Stardew Valley and possibly Minecraft, which I’m terrible at, and I want to try to do streaming of Dragon Age: Origins, because I like the romance storylines and I suck at killing things. Like, I am stuck at Dragon Age: Inquisition because I can’t kill the dragons. Much like Hiccup, I can’t kill dragons. Just cannot.

Amanda: You don’t need to, though, right?

Sarah: Well, sometimes you need to to, you know, finish like these, there’s quests. Like, there’s one where you have to not only kill the dragon, you have to kill the dragon babies? I’m not here for killing dragon babies. I cannot kill dragons.

Amanda: I don’t think I ever did those quests!

Sarah: Yeah, I am sucking at killing dragons.

Amanda: ‘Cause I got my shit rocked one time, and I was like, you know –

Sarah: Yeah, dragons are not here –

Amanda: – we’re done!

Sarah: Mm-mm, nope.

Amanda: We’re done here!

Sarah: And I, and I’m so bad about side quests. I’m like, ooh, this one over here! And that one over there!

Amanda: Oh!

Sarah: I’m going to return your ring, and I’m going to go bring you the scroll, and then I’m going to – I’m like, I am –

Amanda: No, like –

Sarah: – a walking to-do list!

Amanda: I love si- – like, I will play a game and do, like, two hours of side quests and don’t advance the main thing at all. Like –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: Skyrim? When I played Skyrim, I would just, like, go off and be like, ooh! I can pick these flowers, and my horse would just, like, punch bandits in the face –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – while I go pick flowers and be like, thanks, horse!

Sarah: Ohhh, that’s funny.

Amanda: No, I love it!

Sarah: I, so I’m thinking that we could do a periodic, over the summer, live videogame streaming of the two of us –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – playing videogames, which would be pretty hilarious.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: What game would we start with? We want to start with Stardew –

Amanda: I don’t know!

Sarah: – or we start with – I don’t think you can do multiplayer co-op Dragon Age.

Amanda: No, I don’t think so.

Sarah: Which is a shame.

Amanda: I was, I, I put, like, a tweet out; I was like, my videogame interests at this point fall into two categories: smooching and homesteading. Like, that’s –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – that’s it.

Sarah: That’s what we should call it! Smart Bitches –

Amanda: Smooching?

Sarah: Smart Twitches – Smart Twitches: Smooching and Homesteading!

Amanda: Like, I love that –

Sarah: Growing parsnips and kissing people!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Or not people! Kissing dwarves! We could kiss, we could kiss an elf. You know who I would really, you know why I want to play Dragon Age: Origins? ‘Cause I really want to romance Morrigan.

Amanda: [Sighs] See, I have that problem where it’s like, all right, we’re on playthrough number three: I’m going to romance Iron Bull this time! Just kidding! We’re going to do Cullen for the third time in a row.

Sarah: [Laughs] Cullen is such an emo romance! Like –

Amanda: Ooh, but –

Sarah: – so much angst!

Amanda: Okay, well, I romanced Sebastian in Stardew Valley, the e- – oh my God!

Sarah: He’s –

Amanda: It’s on brand.

Sarah: Okay, can I tell you what I did in my latest playthrough? By the way, playing on the Android is so much fun, because it automatically arms you? Like if you, if a slime approaches you it automatically –

Amanda: What?

Sarah: Yeah, it’s –

Amanda: That’s cheating!

Sarah: You, you’re playing with your fingertip! I mean, that sounded really gross –

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: – never mind! [Laughs] Never mind! But anyway, on my Android playthrough, which I’m having a really good time – I finally fucking learned to fish. Can I do this with a mouse? I have no idea. Can I do it on my phone? Yes, I’m a good fisherman on my phone. On my phone game, I have gotten everybody up to ten hearts, I am everybody’s girlfriend –

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: – I am a girlfriend with everybody, bouquets everywhere, except for Pierre, ‘cause I don’t like him. He has one heart.

[Laughter]

Sarah: And I want a ten, I want to get to ten hearts with the dwarf, but I’m missing a scroll so I can talk to the dwarf. Everybody loves me, and Pierre can just go fuck off. [Laughs]

Amanda: I, I go towards, like, the sad emo, like, tortured backstory char- – I think in the, the first or the second one, there’s the Fe-, is it Fenrir?

Sarah: I think that is – I don’t know which one that is.

Amanda: Fenris!

Sarah: Fenris.

Amanda: Fenris is the elf who hates magic, because he was essentially, like, tortured. Yeah, this is in the second one, so I always romanced Fenris.

Sarah: He’s entirely your type!

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: He’s got boy band hair and everything!

Amanda: Yeah, and then of course the first one I romanced Alistair.

Sarah: Well, obviously.

Amanda: But, yeah, no, I always go for –

Sarah: – Morrigan that I’m thinking of? Yeah, Morrigan.

Amanda: Morrigan is, yeah, the, the witch with the great boobs.

Sarah: The witch with impossible cleavage! Yeah, well, I mean, if you’re going to be a witch, why not?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: She showed up – I didn’t know about her – she showed up in my Dragon Age: Inquisition game when I finally went to the place with the weird hand gestures and the masks.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Well, they all stand with their hands like, like, we-, they all have weird hand postures when they talk? It is very strange. But, was it Orlais? Or something; I don’t know.

Amanda: Ooh, I think it might be Orlais. Is Orlais like –

Sarah: She –

Amanda: – everyone’s very, like, fancy and, like, uppity?

Sarah: Yes, everyone’s quite posh.

Amanda: Oh, I love to see –

Sarah: She shows up at the end, and I was like, whoa! Who’s this? [Laughs]

Amanda: Well, like, I love Vivienne! Vivienne’s, like, the tall –

Sarah: Yes!

Amanda: – like, statuesque –

Sarah: Vivienne –

Amanda: – like, ooh!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: She’s a tall drink of water.

Sarah: So, yeah. Yeah, so all – this would be us playing videogames. Is this a good idea or not?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Tell us what you think. I mean, I think the two of us would have a lot of fun, but I don’t know if anyone else would want to tune in. We’d have, like, three people.

Amanda: Well, you already said your son would – [laughs]

Sarah: Oh, my younger son?

Amanda: Tell them about your son’s dream!

Sarah: Oh my gosh. Okay.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: So –

Amanda: This is how the idea, I think, started.

Sarah: This was, this was my dream! I had this dream. I was telling him about –

Amanda: Oh, your dream!

Sarah: – my dream. So I had a dream that you and I were streaming. We were doing a, a playthrough of, of Stardew Valley, and I know in the new co-op there’s a, a four square farm [Four Corners Farm] where one part of each farm is a different – like, so there’s a farming area, a fishing area, a mining area, and – ummm, what’s the other one? I don’t remember the –

Amanda: Farming, fishing, mining, uh, livestock? Or is that the –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Or something. Or maybe it’s, maybe it’s monsters? I don’t know. There’s a four-zone farm that you can pick; I haven’t played it yet. But I dreamt that we were doing that, but only, it was two zones, and I was farming, and you were fishing, ‘cause you like fishing, and in my dream you were extremely mad that we were dec-, trying to decide who to romance in Stardew Valley, because each of our characters go to pick someone to romance, and we had this whole fan debate going on, and you were very mad that you could not romance a fish. You were pissed that there was not fish romance in Stardew Valley.

Amanda: Which would be –

Sarah: I mean, fair!

Amanda: – something I would be into, like –

Sarah: Right? I mean, do I romance the halibut? Or do I romance the tuna? These are hard questions!

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Right? Totally! So –

Amanda: I was one of those people who got mad that you couldn’t romance the space cat man in the first Mass Effect, and everyone got so mad about it that in the second one they’re like, all right, you can romance the space cat man now, people. Lay off!

Sarah: Who wouldn’t want to romance the space cat man? Come – that seems like a –

Amanda: And he’s got an eyepatch!

Sarah: Obvious choice!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: That’s like Cullen-level bait right there!

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: [Laughs] All right, so if you think it would be fun to listen to us play videogames – [laughs more]

Amanda: Listen, we’re not promising –

Sarah: No!

Amanda: – top-tier production here.

Sarah: It is summer; we are all stuck in the house. If you would like to listen to us play videogames, tell us what you think in the comments of the show no-, the entry, the show notes. Or just tweet at us; that’s also fine. Or just –

Amanda: We tweet.

Sarah: – you know, yell out the window. We’re all home; we’ll probably hear you.

Amanda: Yeah. Your voice will carry.

Sarah: Yeah, right? Except with the humidity; then it won’t.

Amanda: [Laughs]

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. Thank you for allowing me to hang out in your eardrums with Amanda as we talked about all the things.

Now, I know you’re thinking, I really hope I get a copy of that recipe. Do not worry! The recipe for the Brownie Baked Alaska comes from Sally’s Baking Addiction. I will have a link to that, plus the tomato sauce, pasta, Amanda’s list of long romances, recipes for Peppermint Creams, links to Bumpy Cake, ice cream attachments – look, I’m going to hook you up; do not worry. All the recipes will be in the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast, along with all the books we talked about. We would never let you down like that! That’s not how we are! We would never do that.

This episode was brought to you by Never Conspire with a Sinful Baron by Renee Ann Miller, the fourth book in a very steamy Victorian historical series. Last season, Lady Nina Trent fell for a scoundrel, and this year she intends to choose more wisely. She’d really like the attention of a particular duke who is much more interested in fox hunting and sports than in marriage. Baron Ralston offers to pretend to court her in order to attract the duke’s attention because he is very competitive. However, Ralston has another plan: he wants Nina and her dowry for himself, to rescue his estate and his fortunes. He feels a little guilty about it, but their interludes of dancing and flirtation become impossible for him to regret, until he realizes that he has placed Nina in real and imminent danger. Never Conspire with a Sinful Baron by Renee Ann Miller is the fourth book in The Infamous Lords series and is available now wherever books are sold. Find out more at reneeannmiller.com and kensingtonbooks.com.

Thank you again to our Patreon community for being truly excellent and helping make sure that every episode is continually produced with a transcript, and thank you to garlicknitter for compiling our transcripts each week. [You’re most welcome! – gk]

As always, I end with a terrible joke, and this week is no different. This week’s joke comes from Angela and her wife, who’s on Twitter as @solarbirdy. This is a terrible joke from both of them, and of course I had to share it with you.

What do a Selkie and a Ziploc bag have in common?

Give up? What do a Selkie and a Ziploc bag have in common?

They’re both re-seal-able.

[Laughs] The best part is I get to tell this joke to somebody who doesn’t know what a Selkie is and they’re like, what? [Laughs more] Thank you, Angela, and thank you, @solarbirdy, for this excellent joke. I really appreciate it!

On behalf of my dog, who is dancing around my office for a treat, and the cat, who is determined to show the dog his back end, and everyone else who’s here, including Amanda, we wish you the very best reading. Thank you for letting us hang out with you today. We’ll see you back here next week.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. For more links and excellent options for podcast listening, visit frolic.media/podcasts.

Wilbur: Meow!

Sarah: Wilbur thinks you should do that.

[funktastic music]