This is a silly episode about cake, desserts, and in the middle, a surprise party for Amanda. She thought she was logging in to talk about cake. I surprised her with a virtual pajama birthday party with Christina Lauren and Kristin Dwyer – and a lot of pictures of Adam Driver.
Zeb is begging throughout the recording. We talk about cake and desserts. We discuss strange food combos. We’re very silly. We get a super-surprise sneak preview of their latest book! Come celebrate with us.
Here’s a picture of Amanda’s birthday cake from Whiskful, who is taking orders for local pickup and delivery in Somerville, Cambridge, and the greater Boston area.
And here is Lauren’s outstanding shirt, and wall decor, all Adam Driver:
Cake is the reward, and buttercream is the bonus.
What’s your favorite dessert? Cake? Cupcakes? Pie? Brownies? Cookies? I’m all about carbs so please tell me your faves!
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Sarah Wendell: Hello, and welcome to episode number 403 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell, and this is a very silly episode about cake and dessert, and in the middle, there’s a surprise birthday party for Amanda. She thought she was logging in to talk to me about cake, and I surprised her with a virtual pajama birthday party with Christina Lauren and Kristin Dwyer and a lot of pictures of Adam Driver. Zeb is begging throughout the recording, we talk about dessert, we discuss strange food combos, we get a super surprise sneak preview of their latest book, and so come hang out and celebrate with us. We’re very silly today.
Now, I am curious: what is your favorite dessert? If you had to rank cake, cupcakes, pie, brownies, and cookies, in what order would you make these preferences? It’s, it’s a challenging question; it’s a hard, hard question during these quarantimes, which are all about carbs. You can email me your answers, ‘cause I’m really curious, at [email protected]. We have so much fun, and I hope you enjoy hanging out with us.
This episode is brought to you by In To Her by J. A. Huss, available now on audible.com. In To Her is an erotic ménage with a lot of heat and a lot of angst from New York Times and USA Today bestselling author J. A. Huss. Huss has been on the USA Today bestseller list twenty-one times in the past five years, and five of her books have been optioned for TV by MGM Television. Two of her books have been nominated for voice awards, too. Hit men AJ and Logan are professional monsters, and spending a sexy night stranded with their mark Yvette wasn’t in the plan, but one night changes everything, and they soon find themselves plotting a way out of the job and out of the mob. AJ, Logan, and Yvette are brought to life by Savannah Peachwood, Teddy Hamilton, and Tad Branson, and reviews are extremely positive. Wendy on Amazon says, “If you haven’t read anything from JA Huss yet, this is a perfect book to start with…lots of sexy, lots of angst, lots of keeping the reader guessing.” You can find the audiobook available now; buy In To Her by J. A. Huss on audible.com.
Now, I want to send a very special thank-you to our Patreon, who support the show each month with pledges starting at a dollar. Keep the show going, make sure every episode has a transcript, and are part of the awesome community who helps advise me on future episodes. If you’d like to have a look at our Patreon, it is patreon.com/SmartBitches.
And I have two compliments that are very special. It’s a whole birthday episode, you guys!
This first compliment is for Lindsay H. Lindsay, this compliment was ordered by your friend Valerie, and we are all here to wish you a happy birthday, including Zeb, who is sitting here again begging while I try to record. I am told that Lindsay, you are a hard-working consular officer, and you are part of the repeat, repatriation task force – I did practice saying that – and you have brought home over sixty thousand US citizens. Well played! So happy birthday to you from Valerie and me and Zeb and Buzz and Wilbur and every person you have brought safely home. The world is a marvelous, funky, and glorious place because you are in it, and we are all so very fortunate that you were born, and that you are as incredible as you are. Happy birthday.
And to Valerie, who ordered this compliment for Lindsay, you are the type of friend that many, many people wish they could be. So there’s a textbook in development right now titled How To Be Like Valerie, Because She Kicks Ass. Happy birthday, Lindsay, and thank you for being a great friend, Valerie.
If you would like to book a compliment on behalf of somebody else, you can email me or have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches. Either way, I love doing compliments, so thank you to you both.
This episode is also brought to you by BetterHelp. That’s Better H-E-L-P. Is there something interfering with your happiness or preventing you from achieving your goals? BetterHelp is professional counseling done securely online, available worldwide. BetterHelp will assess your needs and match you with a licensed professional therapist, and you can start communicating in twenty-four hours. You will get timely and thoughtful responses, plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions. BetterHelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches, so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed. You can visit their website at betterhelp.com/reviews to see what users say about them –
Sarah: – and I’ve already seen people on social media sharing their positive experiences. Bless you, Zeb. Visit betterhelp.com/TRASHYBOOKS – that’s Better H-E-L-P – and join over eight hundred thousand people taking charge of their mental health with the help of an experienced professional. As a special offer for Smart Podcast, Trashy Books listeners, you can get ten percent off your first month at betterhelp.com/TRASHYBOOKS.
And heads up! I have a game to tell you about! How cool is this? If you are looking for a fun way to pass the time while engaging your brain and enjoying a fun and adorable story, your answer is Best Fiends. Best Fiends is a casual game that anyone can play, though it is made for adults. Each level is part of a larger story world and involves a puzzle to solve before you advance to the next one. Leveling up is much fun, and I can attest it is difficult to stop once you start. I ended up playing about twenty levels while waiting outside our favorite Chinese takeout place this weekend because they had a backlog of orders, and I had bugs in swiping puzzles to solve, and I had characters talking to me, so I did not mind at all. You can engage your brain with fun puzzles and collect tons of cute characters. With over one hundred million downloads, trust me, this five-star-rated mobile puzzle game is a must-play. Download Best Fiends free on the Apple app store or in Google Play. That’s Friends without the R: Best Fiends.
I will have links to many of the things we talk about, and I will have some pictures of the surprise pajama jammy jam, including an excellent picture of Lauren’s Adam Driver tribute shirt that she made just for Amanda.
But let’s get started with this episode. On with my surprise birthday party and my podcast with Amanda, Christina Lauren, and Kristin Dwyer.
Sarah: How you doing?
Amanda: Good! I’m in my, in my pajamas. I haven’t washed my hair in like a week?
Sarah: Nice! I am, I am wearing the hoodie of working, but Zeb, I don’t know if you can see, I will show you, he is standing in the doorway of my office –
Amanda: Aw! [Laughs]
Sarah: – begging, because I have a jar of treats on my desk, and he’s begging for treats.
Amanda: Give him a treat!
Sarah: I did! He’s going to get –
Amanda: Give him – [laughs] – give him a –
Sarah: – he’ll get even more fat! Like, he’s, he’s a little piglet.
Amanda: Look at my bangs now.
Sarah: Oh my gosh, they’re amazing!
Amanda: I need a haircut. I have to, like, keep ‘em back, but –
Sarah: I need a haircut, oh my God, and I –
Sarah: – I, like, I trimmed my sideburns with Adam’s beard trimmer, and I was like, oh my God, I look six thousand percent better!
So how was your birthday? How was the cake? Did you see Eric?
Amanda: I did not see Eric. So the pizza he was going to bring, every year on my birthday we get birthday pizza from my favorite pizza place in Boston.
Sarah: Happy birthday, by the way.
Amanda: Thank you! It’s called Santarpio’s. It’s like a little cash-only, kind of mom-and-pop that’s been around forever. It’s, there’s, like –
Amanda: – no fuss, no frills. Like, God forbid you ask for lemon in your water.
Amanda: But I always go, and we get the pepperoni and onion –
Amanda: – but he asked if he could, like, he called about picking some up and dropping it off, but they were closed, and they had stopped doing takeout on the 30th of May, I think?
Sarah: Ohhh no!
Amanda: So, but the thought was nice.
Sarah: It was nice!
Amanda: Yeah. And then to the lead-up of – [laughs] – this episode, you know Salt-N-Pepa’s “Let’s Talk About Sex” song?
Sarah: Of course!
Amanda: Yeah. So, like –
Sarah: Would you like me to say all of the words to you –
Amanda: [Laughs] Well, like –
Sarah: – ‘cause I can do that?
Amanda: In my head, I’ve been listening –
Sarah: To the people at home and in the crowd?
Amanda: Well, I’ve changed the lyrics in my head to “Let’s talk about cake, baby!”
Sarah: I like this song too! [Laughs]
Amanda: So that’s what I’ve been, like, hearing in my head –
Sarah: Okay –
Amanda: – for the last day.
Sarah: – I want to hear about this cake. This cake looked amazing. Like, I wanted to just stick my whole face in the lemon curd.
Amanda: What is happening? What, what is this? Oh my God.
Sarah: It’s so great, is what’s happening with your hair right now.
Sarah: I won’t release the video –
Amanda: The cake is delicious.
Sarah: I will not release the video, just the audio, but I just want everyone to know that Amanda’s bangs are straight over to the side!
Amanda: [Laughs] The cake is delicious. I think we have half left?
Sarah: I’m very impressed that you have half left. I would have been like, nom.
Amanda: I had two pieces on my birthday? One’s, one when it immediately got here, and then, like, another one right before bed. So, like, the top is lemon curd.
Amanda: It’s, like, a white wine cake, so it’s super moist, and it’s like –
Sarah: Does it taste like wine, or is it sweet?
Amanda: It’s sweet!
Sarah: Oh, nice.
Amanda: And then it’s got, like, vanilla buttercream. So good!
Sarah: I love buttercream!
Amanda: It’s, I love buttercream so much.
Sarah: I have a recipe for devil’s food cake with chocolate coffee buttercream?
Sarah: And I’ve made it like a handful of times, and this, this cake will easily solidify your arteries. Like, it is not fucking around with the amount of dairy and butter and chocolate, but I could eat the icing out of the bowl of the mixer just, like, with a spoon.
Amanda: I love – so my cake thoughts: I had, like, big brain shower cake thoughts the other day. [Laughs] And –
Sarah: [Laughs] So you just stood in the shower for like fifteen minutes, and you’re just –
Amanda: Yeah, I’m just –
Together: – thinking about cake.
Sarah: [Laughs] I mean, why the hell not? Do you have anywhere you need to be?
Sarah: No! Let’s all stand in the shower and –
Amanda: – shower! [Laughs] So –
Sarah: I just want you to know, I had ideas for this podcast in the shower too, so I understand! Not to be gross or inappropriate, but yeah, I get it! The shower’s where the good thinking happens.
Amanda: Yeah! So everyone has, like, a favorite dessert or a favorite meal, and I think my favorite dessert is – oh! Give him another treat!
Sarah: He’s still begging! Oh my goodness, Zeb!
Amanda: He, like, inched further into the room. [Laughs]
Sarah: Container of treats; going to give the dog a treat, but then I will tell you, I will interrupt your cake thoughts, and I will tell you that I am so well trained that not only is Zeb sitting here begging from me, but I have to take food from the cat bowl that is on my desk and put it on the floor. Because I’m giving the dog a treat, I have to give the cat a treat, even though it’s his own damn food!
Amanda: You have to give him a treat!
Sarah: He’s not going to jump up on the desk; I have to give it to him.
Amanda: Oh my gosh.
Sarah: So please tell me of your hot shower cake thoughts – also, hot shower cake thoughts sounds like a porn!
Amanda: So I think birthday cake is my favorite dessert, and I know I –
Sarah: Like the flavor birthday cake, or just birthday cake that you have on your birthday?
Amanda: Birthday cake – well, I’m cheating here, because birthday cake could be so many different things.
Sarah: Right, oh yeah. It could be –
Amanda: And –
Sarah: – lemon curd white wine cake.
Amanda: It could be! And growing up, we don’t have, like, a lot of traditions in my family, ‘cause holidays usually go tits up real fast, but –
Sarah: Maybe that’s the tradition! Holidays just go tits – [laughs].
Amanda: Tits up – well, someone had asked me, they’re like, oh, what are your Christmas traditions? Like, do you count my mom locking herself in the bathroom and crying –
Amanda: – as a tradition, because we do! [Laughs]
Sarah: I think everyone, to some extent, has a let’s-pretend-everything-is-perfectly-gloriously-happy-and-wonderful-today –
Sarah: – tradition. Yeah.
Amanda: But one of the things for birthdays is, you pick your favorite meal –
Sarah: Fuck yeah!
Amanda: – and it will be made on your birthday.
Sarah: Hell yeah!
Amanda: So everyone had, like, kind of like the same thing almost every year. So my brother loved either – so his birthday’s in December, so if it was cold he’d have our homemade chili. My mom would make, like, seven pounds of it in a Crockpot.
Sarah: Hell yeah!
Amanda: Or shrimp scampi, which I fucking, I don’t eat seafood, so it sucks.
Sarah: You don’t eat seafood! Like, what did you do –
Sarah: – just eat the pasta?
Amanda: And he’d either have a, one of those Carvel cakes with the crunchies in the middle?
Sarah: Oh, my father-in-law used to own Carvel’s.
Sarah: I know those crunchies.
Amanda: They’re so good. Oh! I see a cat! I see a cat in the background! I saw his little head poking up. Hi! Hi, Wilbur!
Sarah: What is, what is dog doing? Dog is –
Sarah: Oh, well, I don’t know if you know. The begging location has changed, and the cat is watching the dog beg from a new location, because if the, if Zeb’s in a different part of the room and he’s begging for a treat, obviously –
Amanda: It’s like this is a new –
Sarah: – I will have forgotten that he just got a treat over there. Also, I’d like you to pay attention to my –
Sarah: – incredible cowlick right here.
Amanda: We’ve, we’ve all got it.
Sarah: I’m – [laughs] – my hair is so weird! My hair’s getting curly, Amanda! I don’t know what to do. I have curls over here?
Amanda: Welcome to my life!
Sarah: I have this thing? I don’t know what, I don’t know what to do! Anyway.
Sarah: So you, what was your birthday meal?
Amanda: So –
Sarah: Like, just a cake with a spoon?
Amanda: No, so it was interesting because my cakes always changed. So, like, my dad, he’d always have cheesecake.
Amanda: My grandfather would always have, like, boxed, like, Duncan Hines yellow cake with chocolate frosting. My mom would –
Sarah: Okay! Sounds good!
Amanda: – always have banana pudding cake? So it’s like yellow cake, banana pudding with sliced bananas, another layer of yellow cake, homemade whipped cream, and then Nilla wafers.
Sarah: I was going to say, there’s Nilla wafers in here somewhere, right.
Amanda: Nilla wafers.
Sarah: Got to have some Nilla wafers.
Amanda: So those, like, everyone has, like, their cake –
Sarah: Poor people listening to this podcast; if they’re hungry, they’re so screwed! [Laughs]
Amanda: So sorry! I suppose I have to, like, redeem myself from the mayo on hotdogs podcast. [Laughs]
Sarah: Oh no, I had email! I had email saying, oh my God, I love mayo just as much.
Amanda: Love mayo so much.
Sarah: In fact, I saved a message for you.
Amanda: But my, my cake was always different, ‘cause I just love cake.
Sarah: Oh, cake is the – you know, it’s funny –
Amanda: I love cake!
Sarah: – I asked Adam to rank his desserts: cake, brownies –
Sarah: – cookies, pie. Like, your baked, baked desserts, right? And he was, he’s always, cookies are number one; cake is, or cupcakes is, is dead last; cake is dead last; pie is fine, depending on the filling; and then brownies were okay; and I’m always like, cake with icing and some more cake, and then I want icing on top of that, and I like, I like cupcakes, because the ratio of icing to cake is pretty good.
Amanda: You, you know the trick to make it a sandwich, right?
Sarah: Oh, oh, oh yes.
Amanda: I love that.
Sarah: Oh yes.
Amanda: I love that so much.
Sarah: Oh yeah. I, I also will just pick up a cupcake and eat the icing off it and just be like, great, that was –
Amanda: [Laughs] When –
Sarah: – thanks very much! [Laughs]
Amanda: Well, I just – so I have this major sweet tooth in general, but, like, some years I had, like, a Cold Stone Creamery cake?
Sarah: Oh, man!
Amanda: And they do, like, one lay- –
Sarah: Ice cream cake!
Amanda: Yeah, one layer is ice cream, and one layer is actual cake.
Amanda: So they do both in one.
Sarah: What the hell are you doing now?
Amanda: So – [laughs]
Sarah: The dog’s – oh, well, the dog is digging behind my desk because a piece of cat food has found there, has fallen there.
Amanda: He’s got to get it! He’s cleaning your office for you.
Sarah: Yeah. Yeah, and Wilbur’s now going to check it out. What are you doing behind my dish, dog? What are you doing? Oh my God.
Sarah: This is, this is why I don’t podcast with the animals in the room, because, you know, shit goes on.
Amanda: What can you do?
Sarah: No, I can do nothing about it.
Sarah: Nothing. Nothing, nothing.
Amanda: But I just, I l-, if I ever get married, the one thing I care about is cake.
Sarah: You should have multiple cake tastings!
Amanda: [Laughs] Well, so –
Sarah: Just to make sure!
Amanda: – in the last few years, since Eric and I have started dating – why’d I say started dating? We’ve been dating for four years.
Sarah: Holy – whoa.
Amanda: Four years.
Sarah: Four years?
Amanda: Yeah, four!
Sarah: Wow, really, really, I ask you, what is time anymore?
Amanda: [Laughs] We’ve been to many weddings, and our chief discussion afterwards is like, what did you think of so-and-so’s food? What did you think of so-and-so’s, like, dinner? And we always, like, rank the, rank the food?
Sarah: A wedding with, wedding with bad food is the worst.
Amanda: And not, a lot of the weddings we’ve been to haven’t done cake! Some of them have done dough-, like, gourmet doughnuts. Another one had, like, a spread of desserts like éclairs and, like –
Amanda: – cookies and stuff.
Sarah: I went to my husband’s cousin’s wedding, which was like my giant Jewish hipster wedding; like, there was a guy with a full-on handlebar. It was really amazing.
Sarah: But they brought in, they brought in doughnuts from Brooklyn, to give you an indication of the level of hipster we’re talking here; it was very high-grade. And I was like, there better be cake; there better be icing. I, I mean, I like doughnuts, but there be better icing!
Amanda: Yeah, I just – the weddings were lovely, you know. No shame in their wedding decisions, but –
Sarah: That’s fine!
Amanda: – that’s the thing I look forward to! Like, I’m putting on this dress and wearing heels.
Sarah: I am uncomfortable; I get cake! That’s the deal, right?
Amanda: Yeah! The cake is my reward!
Sarah: That’s the ru-, that’s the rule, right?
Amanda: I mean, thankfully they’ve all been open bar, so that’s a nice consolation prize.
Amanda: But yeah, no!
Sarah: So do you have a top favorite kind of cake? Like, only this cake will do?
Amanda: I love – I’m not a chocolate cake fan. I like, like, a yellow or a white cake, or like a funfetti cake. And then, so the thing is, I’ve already got this planned out, is, I love raspberries, so if there’s, like, a –
Amanda: – raspberry component?
Sarah: Poor Stephanie, though! Your roommate can’t have raspberries!
Amanda: Allergic! I know, she’s allergic to raspberries! So I try to be, like, conscious of that. I, like, ate the raspberries off the top of the cake that –
Amanda: I was like, don’t worry, there’s no raspberries inside, but I’m just eating these.
Amanda: And I just love vanilla buttercream. Like, the va- –
Sarah: Oh, so –
Amanda: – the soft, pillowy buttercream you get on, like, a sheet cake at a grocery store.
Sarah: Oh yeah.
Amanda: Like, it doesn’t have to be fancy. I don’t care about fondant.
Sarah: It’s all about the buttercream! I’ve made fondant; it’s fun. It’s great fun to play with.
Amanda: It’s fine.
Sarah: Buttercream is where it’s at.
Sarah: I have a message for you from Shana.
Amanda: Okay! Not our, is, not our Shana?
Sarah: No, Shana –
Sarah: This is Shana H.
Hi, Smart Bitches!
Sarah: I am an old SBTB fan from way back in the day when it was Sarah and Candy in the simplest blog format ever.
Sarah: I even won my first Sony e-reader, a Sony Pocket, from the blog like ten years ago –
So this is, like, old school.
I have only started recent-, recently listening to random episodes of the podcast, but I love it! I was just listening to the end of episode 397, and I wanted to tell Amanda that I too love mayo.
Sarah: It’s crazy, ‘cause I’m a very picky eater in general, but I looove mayonnaise! I like it in my tuna, on my turkey burgers and my sandwiches, on turkey hot dogs, even on fries and chicken fingers!
Sarah: I don’t eat catsup; I just use mayo where normal people use that. I will also lick the knife.
Amanda: Yes, Shana!
Sarah: [Laughs] My brother is in the same way, is the same way. I don’t do pickles, but I love sour beers and candy. I have tried Miracle Whip. Didn’t hate it, though most people go one way or the other. And for the record, I’m in Massachusetts, born in central, and live in western Mass now. So thank you for doing what you’re doing –
Sarah: – and keep on keeping on. You are not alone in the mayo madness and love.
Amanda: I am so happy. My, so I’m making – for some reason I had, like, this craving of, like, I want pasta sauce, homemade sauce and meatballs, and –
Sarah: Dude, I had, I made pasta and, like, big-ass meatballs, and we had them for dinner this weekend. I hear you.
Amanda: And gravy – not gravy; why am I saying gravy? I don’t call pasta sauce –
Sarah: Oh, it’s Sunday gravy! Sunday gravy is, like, a pasta sauce, right?
Amanda: Yeah, but I don’t call it gravy. I think that’s an abomination, so.
Sarah: Gravy is meat!
Amanda: Gravy. But grocery delivery is really tough right now.
Sarah: Oh yeah.
Amanda: So, like, I wanted this last week so I could have it on my birthday. My groceries, I had to, like, the wind-, the earliest window I could get was nine days ahead, so my groceries came yesterday.
Sarah: ‘Kay. This is not good if you’ve got cravings. You’ve got to plan your cravings!
Amanda: Tipped, tipped the people really well on my card and gave them cash. It was, I was so appreciative. So I –
Sarah: That’s ‘cause you’re a good person.
Amanda: I am a good person. So right now I have a big pot of sauce and a big pot of meatballs –
Sarah: Hell yes!
Amanda: – making it. And my roommate and I were talking. We have vastly different, like, food tastes – she’s not a mayo person – but we were talking about, like, chunky versus creamy?
Sarah: Oh, that’s a very big debate.
Sarah: Chunky versus creamy peanut butter?
Sarah: My, my kids and I almost came to blows, ‘cause they were like, we only want chunky –
Amanda: [Laughs] Like, get out!
Sarah: – and I’m like, what’s wrong with you? I buy the groceries here; you get the peanut butter that I like! But no, I have two big-ass jars of chunky peanut butter, ‘cause I’m awesome.
Amanda: So I had asked her to look at the sauce to see if the tomatoes – ‘cause I used whole peeled tomatoes – if they had broken down enough.
Amanda: She’s like, I can’t tell. I was like, oh no, it looks fine. It’s like, I like chunks of tomato in my sauce.
Amanda: I like a chunky sauce!
Amanda: She does not.
Amanda: But she’s like –
Sarah: You could always take some out and immersion blender it!
Amanda: Yeah, I was going to do that at first, but it was like, oh no, I think it’s a fine consistency, but she doesn’t like tomato, and then we talked about, she’s like, do you like really chunky salsa or not? I was like, I love a chunky salsa! She does not.
Sarah: Ohhh! I have a salsa recipe for you if you want.
Amanda: Yeah! I love a –
Sarah: Oh –
Amanda: – nice chunky salsa!
Sarah: You, well, you can control the level of chunkiness –
Sarah: – with the blender.
Amanda: The level of chunk! [Laughs]
Sarah: Yes, you need your chunk level adjusted, it’s in the blender, but it’s Ro-Tel, a can of diced tomatoes, half an onion, garlic, honey, salt, cilantro –
Amanda: Ooh, honey!
Sarah: – and cumin, and you chuck it in the blender, and it’s like that, the salsa you get at a restaurant before you order?
Sarah: We will go through it by the half gallon? I have so many cans of Ro-Tel –
Amanda: Oh my gosh!
Sarah: – in my house right now because everyone is in my house, and they’re all eating salsa. I will also tell you, this is truly disgusting, but I have learned that when you are not sober – just say, hypothetically, that you are not the most sober you’ve ever been?
Sarah: Pork rinds –
Amanda: [Breathes deeply]
Sarah: – are, like, the greatest cup for salsa, ‘cause they’re curvy!
Amanda: I –
Sarah: And you can eat like five and a half gallons of salsa with like five pork rinds.
Amanda: We went to, when Eric and I went to Austin, so –
Sarah: People are screaming when they listen to this now. [Laughs]
Amanda: – so – all right. Sorry, everyone!
Sarah: Sarah and A-, Sarah and Amanda talk terrible food decisions!
Amanda: So I, growing up in the South, my dad would always have on hand pork rinds?
Amanda: And, when possible, boiled peanuts.
Sarah: Oh, boiled peanuts are the shit! I didn’t have those till I went to college in South Carolina, and I was like, what –
Amanda: You get ‘em at, like, a –
Sarah: – what, why, why do I, how are – this is the perfect period food!
Amanda: You get ‘em at, like, this sketchy roadside stand from, like, an eighty-year-old man –
Amanda: – and all he does is sell, like, brown paper bags of boiled peanuts.
Sarah: Of boiled peanuts, and you can smell them for about four and a half miles –
Sarah: – in every direction, right?
Amanda: So I don’t think –
Sarah: You’d get the shits if I gave you more treats. Am I giving you more treats? Yes, I’m giving you more treats. Zeb is here. [Laughs]
Amanda: Well, we went to Austin. We were waiting in line at a barbecue place, and we’ve been to Austin several times. People say Franklin Barbecue is the best; I disagree. We think la Barbecue is the best barbecue in Austin, Texas.
Amanda: At, la Barbecue has, like, a grocery store and, like, you know, beer cooler inside as well.
Sarah: Right. As you do.
Amanda: We’re, like, waiting in line –
Sarah: As is proper.
Amanda: Yeah. We’re waiting in line to order barbecue –
Amanda: – and the guys in front of us went and got some snacks to wait in the barbecue line.
Sarah: Somebody has priorities.
Amanda: And they got pork rinds, and I hadn’t had pork rinds in so long, and I –
Sarah: Plain? Barbecue?
Amanda: They were a little spicy.
Sarah: Wonder if there’s all dressed pork rinds.
Amanda: Oh, I love all dressed.
Sarah: All dressed pork rinds? Now I’m going to ask the internet.
Amanda: Pork rinds. But –
Sarah: First google of the episode.
Amanda: – they shared pork rinds with us, which was so nice, and I don’t think Eric had ever had pork rinds!
Sarah: Welcome to the world. Wow.
Amanda: And he was like, what is this? I was like, well – [laughs] –
Sarah: Fried pig skin, my friend.
Amanda: – if you really want to know, I think they were from Epic.
Sarah: Dorito dust pork rinds, whoa.
Amanda: Texas barbecue –
Sarah: That’s amazing.
Amanda: – maple bacon.
Sarah: So what did, what did Eric think of pork rinds?
Amanda: They were chili lime pork rinds.
Sarah: Oh, hot damn! That is some –
Sarah: – fine drinking food right there.
Amanda: Yeah. He liked them! But, like, that’s not a thing up here.
Sarah: No, it’s not. They’re hard – although I did get a gigantic jug of, I get a giant, giant jug of pork rinds at Costco, and they were not the greatest of quality, ‘cause at some points –
Sarah: – they, they taste like a, like a zoo smells? Like, they’re not a good –
Sarah: – not a good taste.
Amanda: Like alfalfa –
Sarah: Yeaahh –
Amanda: – like Greenies smell.
Sarah: – it was really, it was, it was, smells like, tasted like a zoo. But when you’re not sober and you’ve got salsa –
Amanda: It’s the salty, like, crunchy –
Amanda: I love that.
Sarah: Oh, and it’s a, and it’s a, and it’s a crunch that is particular. Like, it’s, it’s, there’s nothing –
Amanda: It’s very specific.
Sarah: – nothing has that texture. It’s like –
Amanda: It’s –
Sarah: – really good buttercream: nothing has that texture either. You can’t fake that! You can’t fake that with Crisco.
Sarah: Not working.
Amanda: Well, like, a pork rind, I imagine that if packing peanuts were safe to eat –
Amanda: – that’s what – [laughs] – that’s, like, the closest pork rind –
Amanda: – consistency.
Sarah: If packing peanuts were safe to eat – this is such a dietary episode.
Sarah: All right, so I have a small surprise for you.
Amanda: Oh gosh.
Sarah: Remember I said I was thinking about this in the shower?
Amanda: Yeah. [Laughs]
Sarah: I have a small, I have a small surprise for you –
Sarah: – so get ready.
Amanda: All right.
Sarah: – go. And say hello to Christina Lauren and Kristin Dwyer. Happy birthday!
Amanda: Oh! [Laughs]
Sarah: Yay! [Claps] We’re having a little pajama party!
Lauren: Hiii! Happy birthday!
Amanda: Wish I didn’t look like shit!
Sarah: Yay! You’re all here! [Claps]
Lauren: Hello! Happy birthday!
Lauren: I made you a shirt!
Sarah: Is your shirt – Lauren, your shirt has Adam Driver on your boobs!
Christina: Oh my God!
Amanda: Oh my gosh! [Laughs]
Sarah: This is amazing!
Lauren: They’re ironed on, so these pajamas will forever, ever remind me of –
Sarah: You ironed on –
Christina: That is, that is something.
Amanda: Oh my God!
Lauren: Happy birthday, honey! Yay!
Kristin: I tried to get as Star Wars-y as I could, so – [laughs] – I have Boba Fett in the background –
Kristin: I do have my Kylo Ren shirt on for you.
Sarah: This is incredible! Incredible! So happy birthday, Amanda!
Amanda: Thank you!
Sarah: It’s your surprise pajama party!
Lauren: We love you!
Amanda: [Laughs] I haven’t seen people in so long!
Christina: I know.
Sarah: My son, my, my twelve-year-old took a walk and is, and his friend’s mom texted me a picture of him and his friend standing like ten feet apart in opposite corners of the backyard talking.
Amanda: [Laughs] Just, like, shouting at each other?
Sarah: He’s just, like, talking to each other –
Sarah: – and, and she’s like, they’re so happy to just look at each other! [Laughs]
Christina: I know. I know!
Kristin: Also, my, my daughter is nineteen. ‘Kay, nineteen; it’s almost like she’s got younger since this has happened, because her and her friends met at the police station parking lot and did chalk drawings in front of the police station, but they stayed, like, way far apart from each other? And I was just like, okay? [Laughs]
Lauren: Always practice – so cute!
Kristin: Nineteen-year-olds doing chalk drawings.
Sarah: Hey! I mean, coloring books are, like, top sellers right now, right?
Lauren: I know.
Sarah: All right, Lauren?
Sarah: How long did you work on this iron-on Adam –
Lauren: I am not crafty, you guys, at all?
Sarah: It’s adorable! There’s three pictures of Adam Driver across your bosom!
Lauren: Well, so I have this shirt in the other room that I tried, and it was, like, a big picture of him, and it was the whole thing –
Lauren: – but then I came into test the screen, and I realized you could only see – it was –
Kristin: Oh my God, they’re on the wall behind you too! [Laughs]
Lauren: You could see it, it was this one, and you could only see part of it, and I was like, well, I guess I’m just going to have to cut out little shapes, and I’m, like, running up and down the stairs –
Sarah: And on each nipple!
Lauren: – so I have three little pictures of him that I think are passably handsome.
Kristin: Oh God.
Lauren: And, and so I was running up and down the stairs trying to, like, help my daughter do her math homework and then iron on another one, and it was really fun. And –
Kristin: Oh, it’s okay; you can admit those pictures are there all the time now in the background.
Sarah: Right. I had to go shut my door, ‘cause my husband is on a conference call with the federal government. We’re talking about Adam Driver and nipples, so hang on one second!
Amanda: I like how the –
Christina: We are all ruined for polite society.
Amanda: – the passably handsome Adam Driver are all, like, artists’ renderings?
Lauren: Yes, I know.
Kristin: He’s got weird glasses on, like –
Lauren: That’s not true, Amanda. Look: that one?
Amanda: I meant on your, on your shirt, they’re all –
Amanda: – artists’ renderings.
Lauren: Well, okay.
Sarah: Please move your bosoms closer to the camera.
Amanda: He has no nose in that one! What do you have –
Lauren: Oh, stop it!
Amanda: – against his nose?!
Lauren: Okay, this –
Sarah: It rubbed off going down.
Lauren: I mean, that’s a good one! Look at that! He looks –
Christina: Sad and earnest!
Sarah: He’s got arms in that one.
Lauren: This one’s terrible, but it made me laugh –
Lauren: – and this one, I feel like we can all agree, is –
Sarah: It’s –
Lauren: – accurate-ish.
Sarah: That’s adorable!
Lauren: I, I think he looks –
Kristin: Oh, they fell.
Lauren: But I figured –
Lauren: – my, my walls are like, no!
Amanda: We reject this!
Kristin: Blink if you’re doing this against your will!
Christina: That’s how much she loves you, Amanda.
Lauren: I do.
Amanda: Thank you!
Christina: We were talking earlier, and she was like, okay, okay, I’ve got to hurry and get home ‘cause I’ve got a craft I’ve got to do.
Sarah: I have to iron on Adam Driver’s face onto a shirt for Amanda’s –
Christina: She didn’t tell me what she was doing!
Sarah: It is amazing! Thank you, guys, for coming to celebrate Amanda’s –
Amanda: Thank you!
Sarah: – impromptu birthday!
Christina: Thank you for asking us! We love her so much, and you.
Amanda: [Laughs] And you!
Sarah: Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you! You can love me like third or fourth down on the list. This is all about Amanda.
Sarah: We just, we just talked about cake and pork rinds for, like, twenty minutes, and –
Lauren: Oh, I’m sad I missed that!
Sarah: Well, I have to ask you, in the order of cake, brownies, pie, cookies, what’s your order of ideal dessert?
Christina: I have all of them.
Sarah: No, you have to prioritize!
Lauren: Depends on –
Sarah: These are the quarantimes! I’m having them all at once!
Christina: I said to Lo, if we’re not going to sit around eating carbs and mainlining TV, when will we?
Sarah: What is the point anymore, right?
Christina: We live in a lawless society now! There are no rules!
Lauren: Well, I had, like, I had watched Crash Landing on You on Netflix, and I binged it? So there are sixteen episodes. It’s a K-drama; it’s so good. And you’re nodding; have you seen it, Amanda?
Amanda: Yeah. I started it I think like last week?
Lauren: Yeah. So I started it last week –
Christina: I’m on episode eight.
Lauren: – and I watched all sixteen episodes. I finished last night, and they’re like, they’re long.
Sarah: Six, six, sixty. Six zero, six –
Amanda: Sixteen. Sixteen.
Sarah: – the other one to ask you all about; I have questions.
Lauren: But still, they’re like an hour and a half long, and so I basically have been just watching this. Like, writing, attending to my children occasionally, and watching this show.
Lauren: So I’m like –
Christina: It is good
Lauren: – pandemic!
Sarah: But you’re kids are look, old enough to look after your, after themselves, right?
Lauren: I mean, yeah! They can use a microwave.
Sarah: My, my neighbor, my neighbors have little kids, like kindergartners, early elementary, and they’re, like, taking their kids out once an hour for walks.
Lauren: What? My God!
Sarah: Oh yeah, and we live on a cul-de-sac, and some of the parents are like, you know, I can’t, my, my kid doesn’t understand social distancing? They’re just going to walk up and hug you. So we have, like, hours when different families are outside.
Kristin: Oh my. I really do feel –
Kristin: – for parents of really small kids right now.
Sarah: Oh, I do too. I do too. They can’t use the microwave on their own, and then –
Sarah: – and you have to sit next to them.
Amanda: So my upstairs neighbor has a three-year-old?
Sarah: Have mercy. That’s hard.
Amanda: And it, it’s been okay, but, like, I had to text her the other day. I was like, we’re going on week five. I know it’s very hard, but, like, both Stephanie, my roommate, and I work from home, and it’s just constant running.
Christina: Oh God.
Amanda: There’s back and forth, back and forth, and I was like, I know it’s hard, but it’s like, it, it shakes our photos and our lights.
Amanda: Like, that’s how –
Sarah: [Running sound effect]
Kristin: That’s hard.
Amanda: And she’s like, I know! She’s like, we’re trying to take her outside! All she wants to do is go to daycare. And then the next day, and I felt like such a huge bitch, she shows up, knocks on our door with a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies –
Amanda: – still warm –
Amanda: – and she’s like, I’m so sorry.
Lauren: That’s super sweet!
Amanda: She’s like, my daughter is a fucking nightmare!
Amanda: We’re, it’s like, we’re trying so hard! We’re so sorry!
Lauren: It’s like, can I just stay with you for a little bit? It’ll be okay. I’ll be quiet.
Sarah: I wanted to volunteer to, like, walk my neighbor’s children! Like, I’ll take your kids out. I’ll, they can’t come near me.
Amanda: I’ll take your kids for a walk!
Sarah: I’ll take your kids for a walk. I’ll walk your kids for you. Like, I feel so bad, ‘cause they just must be like –
Sarah: – what do I do with myself?
Kristin: It’s rough.
Kristin: You don’t want to scare them. It would be really hard. Like, at some point you would just be like, there’s a virus that will kill you! [Laughs] I’m keeping you safe!
Christina: They’re, they’re scarred forever.
Sarah: Yeah, they’re, they’re three; they’re like, they don’t care. Three-year-olds are like, I don’t care.
Amanda: Why don’t you put, like, a, one of those leash harnesses on them and put a stake in the front yard?
Sarah: Someone listening is going to be like, I’ve tried that. I did try it.
Lauren: No, someone listening is like, that is a brilliant idea.
Christina: Lawless society.
Christina: Lawless society.
Kristin: Right, yes, yes.
Sarah: All right, Kristin, what’s your, what’s your dessert, what’s your dessert priority list? I’m really stuck on this, ‘cause now I just want to eat icing with a spoon.
Kristin: It has to be cake all of a sudden. I actually don’t like brownies, really, so, like –
Christina: Kristin Dwyer.
Kristin: I know. My brother, actually, my brother just discovered that I don’t like potato chips, and I think he almost disowned me the other day.
Christina: I didn’t even know this.
Lauren: – tell you?
Kristin: I know.
Sarah: Why don’t you like potato chips? Is it the aftertaste?
Kristin: You know, if they are a vehicle for onion dip it’s okay?
Sarah: Anything that’s a vehicle for some kind of dip is – like, we were just talking about pork rinds and salsa –
Kristin: It’s not my favorite
Sarah: – so I hear you.
Kristin: It’s just not my favorite. So cake is always number one.
Sarah: Cake is number one.
Sarah: You like pie!
Lauren: I love pie. But I also make really good pie.
Kristin: She likes to make pie.
Lauren: I like – I do.
Amanda: Are you like a fruit pie, like –
Lauren: Yeah. Like, I made a blackberry pie yesterday that was just like –
Lauren: – [kissing noise] – chef’s kiss good.
Lauren: It was just like fresh blueber-, or blackberries, and it was good! Yeah.
Lauren: But I’ll eat any dessert you put in front of me. Like, you give me cake? I’m into it. You give me cookies? I’ll eat ‘em.
Sarah: We made cinnamon buns this weekend, and that was a –
Sarah: – pretty damn good experience.
Kristin: Ohhh, man!
Sarah: Especially when the icing is dripping down the sides.
Sarah: Oh. In fact, we collected it in, in, like, a, a tray lined with foil, ‘cause we were icing them and letting the icing run down, and then we were, like, standing around the tray eating, and I just picked up the rack, and we just dipped our –
Sarah: – cinnamon buns in the runoff? Like, you ever go to Krispy Kreme and see the doughnuts going through the doughnut rollercoaster?
Sarah: And you’re just like, can I just dip my doughnut in the, in the –
Kristin: Or drag a finger.
Sarah: Right! Can I just dip –
Christina: My face.
Sarah: – like, my whole arm – [laughs] – in the, in the fountain?
Amanda: Can I just get to the conveyor belt, and I will lie there with my mouth open?
Sarah: My son has never seen that, ‘cause we don’t have a Krispy Kreme near us, and certainly not one with the doughnut rollercoaster, and I was trying to explain. He’s like, so, wait, the doughnuts ride a rollercoaster through icing, and I’m like, yeah, at like –
Lauren: That sounds like heaven!
Sarah: – at like two in the morning. If the hot and fresh sign is on and you’ve been drinking, it is glorious.
Sarah: And he’s like, so nononono, go back, the doughnuts ride a rollercoaster, but you don’t. I’m like, yes, it’s just for the doughnuts. You have to watch them.
Christina: Oh my gosh.
Sarah: And then they can’t pick them up with their hands. They have to use a special stick ‘cause they’re too delicate, and he’s like, can we go now?
Sarah: Right now?
Amanda: Have, have any of you have been to Finagle a Bagel?
Christina and Lauren: No.
Sarah: I’m sorry, what now?
Amanda: So Finagle a Bagel –
Christina: I love me a bagel, though.
Sarah: Do bagels need to be persuaded in this way?
Amanda: Well, like, you say like a rollercoaster; so they have a thing to slice their bagels. They, like, put it on a little conveyor belt that, like, goes down, and then it shoots it towards the end with a splitting saw blade, which – [laughs] – cuts the bagel in half?
Sarah: Violent bagel death?
Amanda: It’s very aggressive.
Sarah: We have a bagel guillotine. Like, you, you –
Amanda: Yeah, that’s – [laughs] – what it is!
Sarah: We have a guillotine for our bagels. Our neighbors are very impressed when we have, when, when we used to have them over, but we don’t do that.
Lauren: Back in the, in the before, as Christina calls it.
Sarah: I need them now.
Sarah: The before times. Yeah, we have the be-, before times and the quarantimes.
Sarah: Here in the quarantimes, my neighbor who makes pie, Lauren, she texted me a picture of plum ginger pie –
Sarah: – that she made for Easter, and I was like, you’re mean, ‘cause I can’t have any.
Lauren: That sounds amazing!
Kristin: Oh my gosh.
Lauren: I might have to make one of those.
Sarah: It was super –
Kristin: We’re get-, we’re starting to get really good fruit, and our farm stand is like half a mile away, and they bring a box to your car. So you, like, order online –
Sarah: Oh my, ahhh.
Kristin: – and then you drive up and you pop your trunk, and they put the box in, and then you drive away.
Sarah: And then you live out west, where the fruit is, like, the same color all the way through. Like, your strawberries are red all the way –
Christina: Freaking California.
Lauren: That’s such a sad thing to say, ‘cause it’s true, and it’s like –
Sarah: The cherries are all ripe all the way through, as opposed to picked like six weeks ago and then brought east for us?
Sarah: Yeah. Mm-hmm, I’m onto you.
Christina: When I visit Lo, I’m, like, gorging on fruit. We go to the grocery store, and I’m just, like, putting fruit in the cart!
Kristin: That’s good, though.
Sarah: I once drove with my husband from San Francisco down the Pacific Coast Highway to some place south of that, and then we went into where it’s really hot. Palm Springs?
Sarah: Is that it? It was like a thousand –
Sarah: – and twelve degrees? Yeah.
Sarah: So on the way, we would stop at every fruit stand –
Sarah: – and just, and just, like, I, I had, like, red juice –
Lauren: I know!
Sarah: – dripping down my face –
Amanda: Especially –
Sarah: – like some kind of fruit vampire?
Lauren: Strawberries. I know. We have such good strawberries here too, in the summer, and, like spring and summer –
Sarah: This is such a food porn episode!
Lauren: – they’ll be like –
Amanda: It is.
Lauren: I know, it is.
Kristin: Which is actually funny, and this is one of my gripes about the pandemic so far, is I’m really enjoying food? Like, I’m enjoying it. I’m enjoying cooking it, I’m enjoying eating it, and I am gaining weight, and I am so shamed by all of the people online who are, like, out there running and exercising all the time! And I’m like, that’s not what this pandemic is for. [Laughs]
Sarah: This pandemic is for carbs.
Kristin: It is for carbs. It’s for enjoying cake and pie and cookies and brownies, so.
Sarah: Okay. We just finished Passover last week, and so we didn’t eat any leavened bread at all. Like, we had matza, and my older son subsists entirely on matza brei, which is like Passover french toast. It’s one egg and a sheet of matza, and you crush up the matza and dampen it a little bit, mix it up with the egg, and then fry it so it’s flat –
Kristin: It’s awesome.
Sarah: – and then you cover the top with cinnamon sugar! He’ll eat, like, three for breakfast, four for lunch, three for dinner, and I bought a lot of eggs. This year, he did not eat as many as I expected, and I so have a lot of extra eggs.
Sarah: And, and I’m very conscious now about, like, wasting food. Like, there’s foods –
Christina: Oh my God, yeah. Yeah.
Sarah: – that you buy for, for seder; like, one tradition is that during the singing of a particular song you hit people next to you with a green onion as a symbolic shaming them for whining in the desert? Like, the Lord delivered you and you’re whining – bad, bad – and you smack people. I’m not buying green onions to smack on other people’s heads. Like, I’m not wasting food!
Kristin: Religion is so odd, man.
Sarah: It’s so weird! I mean, my, my son wanted to use leeks, and I was like, we are not going to the hospital with concussed people –
Kristin: That’s so hard!
Amanda: It is!
Sarah: – Too bad!
Sarah: So I’m not wasting food! And I have all these extra eggs, so I start googling: recipes that use a lot of eggs. So do you know what we ordered on eBay? A pasta maker.
Sarah: We’re going to make our own pasta –
Sarah: – with all these extra eggs, and it is going to be pasta porn –
Kristin: Oh my God, I’m so excited for you.
Christina: Oh my God!
Sarah: Oh, my, we’re going to roll it out; we’re going to make noodles; and, like, everyone in the house is immeasurably excited about this.
Kristin: You have to take pictures. Definitely, like –
Kristin: – post this on your socials.
Sarah: Pornographic pasta making.
Sarah: We’ll, like, there’ll just be carbs for days.
Amanda: I have groceries, but I’m, like, full on, like, quarantine eating? Like, I could make a sandwich, or I could eat a handful of almonds and some pickles. Like, just –
Amanda: – just, like, make do as if I’m just scrounging.
Sarah: Mayonnaise with a spoon.
Amanda: I’ve gone –
Christina: I’ve cooked more in the last month than, like, the entirety of the last six months.
Sarah: So much cooking!
Christina: I’m just not, like, super domestic? I used to be, but then I just had less time, and I only have one daughter, and, like, she’s always gone, my husband’s always gone and stuff, and now it’s just –
Sarah: And you’re writing all these books, right?
Sarah: Like, you have all these –
Christina: There’s that.
Sarah: – books that you’re writing?
Lauren: Yeah! [Laughs]
Sarah: These words, man, get in the way of the cooking.
Christina: So, like, I feel like I have more work now, because not only am I, like, still, like, doing my job, but then I’m, like, cooking these big meals every night, and cleaning them up as everybody, like, wanders off?
Lauren: Ugh, yes.
Amanda: Go through so many spoons! And there’s just –
Christina: I know.
Amanda: – two of us!
Sarah: Oh my God, we got the water bill, and I was like, we run the dishwasher every other day. What the hell is happening? We run the laundry –
Kristin: Because you’re having every meal here! And every single meal is here!
Christina: Why do my floors look like this? ‘Cause you never leave them!
Sarah: This is why you have dogs. Clean the damn floor.
Kristin: It’s true.
Sarah: Kristin, are you, are you quaran-eating?
Kristin: I’m actually, I’m doing the Amanda approach? I feel very, like, I feel all my years of playing Oregon Trail have really helped me?
Kristin: Because I feel like I have to ration! We only have so many things! You can have one strawberry; that’s it. That’s it. I did order – this is bad – I ordered a box of, we can’t get Nut Thins? These crackers that I like?
Christina: I love those.
Kristin: And I ordered a box from Amazon, and it came with like seven, so now we’re set for days, and I was so happy!
Sarah: That’s one box for each day of the week!
Kristin: I mean – no, but we have to ration them, Sarah! Ration –
Kristin: Did you guys stay here?
Lauren: Did you guys also do that panic ordering at the beginning of all of this? Like, my husband and I did not coordinate at all, so we both ordered, like, Tylenol, so I got these two, like a week ago, two giant things of Tylenol –
Christina: That she ordered forty-five days ago.
Lauren: – that I ordered in like end of February, and then I also ordered Spam, and I thought, I don’t –
Lauren: You know what I mean? Like, you have the panic buys where you’re like, I need canned meat!
Amanda: Did you –
Lauren: And I got a, it’s like a flat of Spam. It’s in the garage. It’s like –
Christina: I bought Spam. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it!
Kristin: Yeah, ‘cause –
Amanda: So my, if you need a Spam – well, it’s kind of gross, but my dad would make something called Rainy Day Surprise? Where it’s just onions, potatoes, and Spam, and you fry it up in a pan. [Laughs]
Christina: And that’s like hash, right?
Kristin: I am into it! Put an egg, a fried egg on top?
Christina: ‘Cause Lo makes, like, Spam sushi.
Lauren: Spam musubi.
Christina: Spam musubi, not – [laughs] –
Amanda: – like for sushi.
Kristin: I nev-, I’ve never had Spam!
Amanda: Did any of you see the Reddit, like, beans thing going around?
Lauren: Yeah, where she buried the beans in the backyard?
Amanda: [Laughs] I will never –
Sarah: That poor –
Amanda: – jeopardize the beans!
Sarah: – that poor woman! Oh my – and, and then there’s so many layers to the story, ‘cause if she’s burying the beans, then she doesn’t care if he dies.
Lauren: Okay, pretend that I haven’t heard this story.
Kristin: Yeah, wait, I haven’t heard this story. What are we talking about?
Sarah: [Laughs] Oh God.
Amanda: This guy –
Sarah: So this was a –
Amanda: – panic bought, it was like, what was it, it’s in r/relationships, so it’s like a, in the Relationships subreddit?
Amanda: Guy panic bought thirty cans of beans. Like ten black beans, ten – he, like, broke it down –
Sarah: He’s very specific about the types of beans –
Sarah: – he purchased.
Amanda: Yeah, and he’s living with his girlfriend, and one day he wakes up and the beans aren’t in the cupboard.
Sarah: He went to make some chili – beans are gone. And he’s like, where are the beans? And she’s like –
Amanda: And she buried them!
Sarah: – I buried them. And she will not tell him where the beans are.
Christina: In case of emergency.
Amanda: In, yeah, in case there are looters are something like that, and she’s like, if you need beans, tell me what you need and we will go and dig what you need up.
Sarah: But she –
Lauren: No, I think she said, I will go dig them –
Sarah: But she will dig up the beans.
Lauren: – I will bring them back.
Sarah: I will not tell you where your beans are.
Kristin: Is she okay? Somebody needs to check on this woman.
Sarah: This is what, she’s clearly not, she’s clearly not, not in a good place, that, that – and she’s convinced that the, that the looters are coming, and they’re going to take the beans, and she hid them in the yard, and he was like, what, what do I, what do I do? And he kept asking, like, well, can you tell me where the beans are? And she says, I will never jeopardize the beans.
Christina: The beans.
Kristin: Okay, this is a question: can you be in a relationship with somebody who won’t tell you where the beans are?
Lauren: I don’t think I could!
Sarah: No, like, this is clearly a problem; it’s why it’s in r/relationships. So ultimately there was an update, and they broke up. Did you see this, Amanda?
Amanda: Yeah! He was like, tell me where the beans are! He really, like –
Sarah: And he really pushed it, and she was like, well, I’m leaving, and she moved out and did not tell him where the beans were.
Christina: [Gasps] Oh God.
Amanda: And he’s like, now I have to pay my rent and her rent, because I tried to force her into telling me where the beans were!
Lauren: But I’m very confused.
Kristin: Really? Really.
Lauren: Somebody describe their backyard to me –
Amanda: It’s obvious!
Lauren: – that you can’t figure out where something has been recently buried.
Kristin: It was, like, in the woods.
Sarah: This was, this was my thing! Like, forensically, you’re just going to look for fresh, freshly turned earth. Like, just look for where they buried it.
Kristin: Unless it’s, like, out –
Christina: They had, like, land or something.
Sarah: Maybe. And in the –
Christina: Get a metal detector.
Sarah: – in the update, somebody was like, I got a metal detector; I’ll find your beans.
Would Adam Driver jeopardize your beans?
Lauren: He would never.
Kristin: No way.
Christina: This wouldn’t even be a conversation.
Christina: I have, I have no, I’m so indifferent to Ad-, I’m just like, I just really like revving Lo up about this Adam Driver thing.
Lauren: It’s just fun to get revved up about it, but I, I don’t know. Ehhh! I also –
Christina: This is the subject of many textings. Oh my –
Sarah: More –
Lauren: It says, Happy Birthday, Amanda.
Lauren: I was going to put that one on the shirt.
Lauren: I was still figuring it all out.
Amanda: Kristin and I, like, explicitly speak to each other in, like, Adam Driver GIFs back and forth? That’s really all – [laughs] – that’s how we communicate?
Sarah: He doesn’t do it for me, but I appreciate the, the depth with which people adore this guy? Like –
Christina: This is me.
Sarah: – you know what? Whatever floats your boat, awesome. That’s great.
Lauren: It can’t be explained. It’s –
Sarah: I think he has pectoral muscles like giant throw pillows?
Amanda: Don’t you just want to –
Lauren: That wide waist?
Amanda: – like, rest your head on the –
Sarah: No! I want him to put his shirt on!
Lauren: They’re kind of saggy. I don’t know; it’s fine. It’s fine.
Sarah: They’re very square!
Lauren: I don’t know.
Sarah: And he’s wearing, like, a cummerbund in that one scene, and I’m like, dude, what is up?
Amanda: Listen, we all know the benefits of a high-waisted pant, so I’m not going to begrudge Adam Driver.
Christina: I’m never going back to low-rise, so yes.
Lauren: It’s high-rise all the time.
Christina: – really appreciate Lo’s, I really appreciate Lo’s argument here, though, that he’s so, like, odd-looking, and a woman would never ever, ever be, like –
Lauren: Have heartthrob status.
Christina: – lifted to sex symbol. You know, it’s just something about men that, like –
Christina: – could just get away with everything.
Sarah: Oh, weird-looking dudes?
Amanda: Well, he’s tall. He’s tall! That’s it! He’s tall!
Amanda: That’s the secret!
Lauren: But I’m tall!
Sarah: Is that, is that the secret to Bandersnatch Cummerbund?
Lauren: Is that what it takes?
Sarah: That’s why Bandersnatch Cummerbund is, is so famous; he’s, he’s –
Amanda: He looks like an –
Kristin: It’s a je ne sais quoi.
Amanda: – an alien to me.
Sarah: Je ne sais tall!
Sarah: Apparently that’s what it is, is his being tall. And I mean, I get it; I’m a short person. Like, my brother-in-law comes over to visit, and I’m like – [gasps] – you can reach all the high things for me. Come into the kitchen!
Sarah: We will make you a gin, and you can pick up things for me. Thank you!
Kristin: [Laughs] What’s the world like where you are? What do you see?
Sarah: Do you see all the dust bunnies? Don’t tell me.
Kristin: Oh yes. Well, I will say, one thing I’m, I’m very sad about BookCon being canceled for many reasons, but one of them is, usually I see Amanda at BookCon, and we at least every year take like five minutes in between running between panels and author events to sit and talk about the state of the Star Wars universe.
Kristin: What’s going on, what we’re mad about –
Kristin: – and then we say bye and we go running our separate ways.
Sarah: Or you could, you could just wait in line for the ladies room at the Javits Center together; that’s a good like two hours!
Amanda: Oh my gosh!
Kristin: I actually think we have done that. [Laughs]
Amanda: Yeah. No –
Kristin: We’re like, were you going to the restroom? Great. Let’s talk.
Amanda: We’ll, like, sit down and talk business, and then it quickly devolves into Star Wars stuff.
Kristin: As it should.
Christina: As it should.
Amanda: All the time.
Lauren: I mean, here’s the thing –
Sarah: There’s not enough Star Wars at BEA.
Lauren: – I love fangirls. Like, that is, those are my people. I love, you know, fannish people, so even if it’s not the same thing that I get fangirl-y about, I totally love that intensity –
Lauren: – and that, like, protectiveness. It’s my favorite.
Sarah: Oh –
Lauren: You guys are so cute about Star Wars stuff.
Amanda: [Laughs] I let Kristin read my fanfic!
Christina and Lauren: Aww!
Christina: That is love.
Sarah: We told everybody in the podcast internet, in the podcast audience about her fanfic. We did a while thing about, like, fanfic and space, right? Was that the space episode?
Amanda: I don’t remember, the space is horny episode? I don’t remember.
Christina: That’s a great –
Kristin: That sounds about right.
Lauren: Space is very horny.
Amanda: Space is very horny.
Sarah: Space makes Amanda horny. We talked about that too.
Christina: Like space in general as a concept?
Sarah: It’s not being on Earth.
Sarah: It’s not being on Earth.
Amanda: Yeah, I was like, Earth is garbage.
Christina: I mean, right now I completely get that.
Sarah: I get it! I –
Amanda: Inject me into space, please.
Sarah: All of the –
Christina: Lo hinted about writing some Falling Into You fanfic, and I’m, I’m, like, waiting for that now.
Sarah: Okay, I have a question: have any of you watched The Untamed?
Christina: No! That was next on my list, though, because everybody, like, in my timeline is watching it, right.
Sarah: I have, I’m pretty sure that I have watched at least sixty percent of it through GIF sets –
Kristin: In GIFs?
Sarah: – on Tumblr?
Christina: Yep, yes.
Sarah: Like, just, just eyebrows and emotive staring? And two long, guys with long hair and gowns, and I’m like, what, what? What, what, what?
Lauren: I don’t understand though. I, I –
Christina: I know what the show is, and I know, I know, recognize the actors –
Sarah: There’s like sixty episodes though; I don’t know if I’ve got that kind of time in my life.
Christina: Okay, but is it, are they a couple? I assume they’re not a couple in the – okay, well, so when you, you wouldn’t know that by looking at the GIFs.
Sarah: Well, exactly, but I will tell you, and I have told Amanda this before, Christina: I am pretty sure that Watchman [Kingsman] is a rom-com between Mr. Darcy and some kid in a track suit, because I have only watched the GIFs on Tumblr, and it’s just the two of them in a romance!
Sarah: Like, there’s no killing or – I can’t watch violence, so obviously this movie is not happening for me, but I’m pretty sure it’s just a rom-com between, is it Taron Egerton in a track suit? And Mr. Darcy –
Sarah: – and they, they, they look at each other longingly! That’s the whole movie, and I’m pretty sure that’s what The Untamed is, except with these two really good-looking gentlemen with long hair and gowns!
Christina: Yeah, long hair and long flowing gowns.
Sarah: And a flute, there’s a flute.
Christina: And a flute.
Sarah: I’ve seen some flute action.
Christina: Yes. Yes.
Amanda: Wait –
Lauren: And a flute!
Kristin: I have not seen this.
Christina: No, everybody is, everybody’s losing their mind over it –
Sarah: Oh, like –
Christina: – on Twitter.
Sarah: – seriously, there is so much fandom about this thing, so I think it – okay, I, I’m going to get this wrong, and I’m going to get lots of email, so get ready: I’m pretty sure that it was first a manga, and it –
Sarah: – and it has very, it’s Chinese in origin, and it has, the, the show is supposed to be subtext to get around the, around the censors. In the manga, it is, like, full-on textual –
Sarah: – that these two dudes are in a relationship. So it is super high, high fantasy, magic world, and they start out in the same place, and then one of them dies? And then it jumps like fifteen, sixteen years later and this guy’s back, but he doesn’t quite remember things, so there’s, like, magic amnesia –
Sarah: – second chances, gowns and hair! Like, damn –
Sarah: So much hair! Perfectly gorgeous hair –
Christina: It sounds amazing.
Sarah: – and because none of us are able to get haircuts, I’m here for these gentlemen –
Sarah: – with the really, really long hair! Like, my hair is a disaster!
Lauren: Your hair looks adorable! Seriously.
Kristin: It does.
Sarah: Oh, thank you! It’s like, it, my hair is getting big, and my hair is getting bigger, and we won’t talk about eyebrows.
Kristin: Oh God.
Christina: I ordered a wax pot, and I’ve been waxing my own.
Sarah: [Gasps] Oh my God!
Christina: But I used to do it all the time anyway.
Sarah: That’s a thing you can do to yourself?
Amanda: I don’t, I don’t trust –
Amanda: – that at all.
Sarah: I can’t. I’m –
Lauren: You know, I would end up with, like, half an eyebrow.
Christina: You know how everybody has their thing? Like, so for me, my eyebrows are super dark, and –
Sarah: Right, yes.
Christina: – they’re really prominent on my face, and so –
Christina: – if they – and I have to have them waxed like every other week, so if I didn’t do them –
Sarah: I have to have mine mown frequently.
Christina: – it’s like that thing on my face where it’s like my whole face is, like, messed up. So I used to wax them forever, so I just ordered this, like, wax kit? It was like twenty-three dollars? It’s hard wax, so it’s like, you don’t really have to do anything but, like, put it on where you want it, peel it off.
Lauren: You’re so brave.
Sarah: Ohhh! See, I can’t, I’d be too scared to do my own eyebrows!
Christina: Oh, it’s –
Sarah: I’d be too scared!
Christina: I mean, I, I, I just like, there’s no way. There’s no way I could not. Lo will tell you.
Sarah: Mine just, mine just look like caterpillars now. I was actually asking –
Christina: Lo said to me today something about, like, needing to, like, wax her lip or something, and I was like, I wish I could –
Lauren: It was.
Christina: – come wax you, and then I was like, oh wait, no. Strike that.
Kristin: Guys, I have to run to another call, but happy birthday, Amanda.
Amanda: Bye, Kristin!
Lauren: Happy birthday!
Kristin: Thanks for organizing, Sarah.
Sarah: Oh, absolutely, my pleasure!
Amanda: The concept of time for me is linked to scenery change? So it’s like, I know Tuesday mornings I go to therapy. I, like, go down to downtown Boston. You know, like, it’s a Thursday afternoon, so sometimes I’m at the bookstore, so, like, that kind of like signal of changing my environment when it’s tied to, like, a specific task?
Amanda: Now it’s like, what is time?
Sarah: What day is it?
Amanda: What, what –
Amanda: – day is it?
Sarah: It’s the 42nd of Aprmayajunne?
Sarah: As, at one point –
Dogs: Woof, woof, bark!
Sarah: – oh, somebody’s here. At one point my husband was making the coffee, and I was like, but I made the coffee! And he goes, no, you made the coffee yesterday.
Lauren: Yeah, it’s all just one long day. Actually, I find weekends are the hardest, ‘cause there’s not even the distance learning structure to the day? It’s just like a long stretch from wakeup to back to bed –
Lauren: – that you have to fill with something?
Sarah: Cinnamon rolls.
Lauren: Inside the house?
Sarah: Cinnamon rolls, pastry.
Amanda: My boyfriend has, like, categorized his time into soft pants time and hard pants time.
Sarah: Why would there be hard pants time? I ordered special pants for the quarantine, and they arrived today, and they are so comfortable, oh my God!
Lauren: Oooh! That’s nice.
Amanda: Sometimes he goes on walks like a normal person! [Laughs]
Sarah: I have to walk my dogs or they’ll, like, they’ll get mad?
Sarah: So we, like, we go out and we see the seasons change? But it, but we have the specific routes that we follow on – like, if it’s garbage day, we’re not going to go this way ‘cause all the garbage cans are in the way, so we’ll go that way, so I know today is Monday ‘cause the garbage – that’s really my only indicator of what day it is –
Amanda: I change from, like, pajamas to pajamas. So, like, in the morning I’ll wake up, put on a fresh pair of pajamas –
Lauren: And then you sleep in those, and then you change ‘em the next day.
Amanda: And then you – yep! That’s exactly right! [Laughs]
Lauren: Yep! The only reason I have an actual shirt on is –
Sarah: Is because it’s covered with Adam Driver.
Lauren: Yeah, otherwise –
Sarah: We’re here for you.
Christina: I only know what day it is because I know my chapter needs to be done on, like, by Friday.
Sarah: Good thing it’s only Monday.
Christina: Oh, it’s just a countdown getting to the end of the week.
Amanda: Are you a procrastinator, Christina? Will you, like, wait until, like, Thursday night?
Christina: No, I’m just really slow, and so – but so, this is what’s terrible is, so we, I had a chapter, I finished it this morning. I was, like, working on it yesterday, and then I finished it really, really early this morning, and then I was like, oh! Well, now I’m going to watch TV today!
Christina: Instead of, like – and then the, Lo is completely enabling me because I’m watching Crashing into You, or Crash Landing on You, and so she’s like, we actually, like, talked; I had headphones in and we were, like, talking while I was watching the episode. She’s just sitting there –
Lauren: I made her, like, like, vocalize her reactions to every-, and I was like, what’s happening now? What’s happening now?
Christina: He’s in the hospital. He just woke up. She went outside. Oh my God, the kissing!
Sarah: That’s so cute!
Christina: Yeah. I was like, do you want me to just get my iPad, and we’ll just FaceTime and just prop it up?
Lauren: We’ll do that, we’re going to do that starting with episode nine. You can weather eight on your own. I don’t want to, I don’t want to live through episode eight again.
Christina: So, so I’m not a procrastinator so much; I’m just, like, very slow, and it feels like, with a chapter, like, it takes a few days for my brain to figure out, I know what’s supposed to happen, but it takes a few days for my brain to kind of figure out how it’s going to happen? You know what I mean? So, but even if I have a one day that’s, like, absolutely amazing, the next day is crap.
Christina: Like, it just is.
Christina: But I know I just want to try and get that chapter done by Friday so I can have a weekend. So that’s my, like, that’s my count, my clock, really.
Lauren: But then that’s your last chapter for the whole book.
Christina: Oh yeah! We have, we’ve written a book during all of this.
Lauren: We have been writing machines. We wrote a book.
Lauren: And it’s great!
Amanda: This is separate from –
Lauren: I’m, I’m so obsessed with it.
Amanda: This is separate from the holiday romance?
Christina: Yeah, yeah.
Amanda: Wow! Wow, wow, wow!
Sarah: Sooo –
Lauren: It’s due May 15th, and we’re going to finish it early!
Amanda: Whoa! [Laughs]
Sarah: Sooo, you want to tell us about it? Please?
Lauren: Oh, it might be a secret!
Christina: What can we say, Lo?
Lauren: What can we say?
Amanda: It’s a romance.
Sarah: Kristin’s not here –
Sarah: – you can say whatever you want!
Christina: Romantic comedy; it’s funny.
Lauren: It’s sort of, the idea was sort of inspired by the Theranos scandal, which is that –
Lauren: – blood testing company scandal, which is the idea of having a very buzzy startup that’s about to kind of launch a product, and in this case it’s a DNA matchmaking service. So they’re matching people based on DNA compatibility, and –
Lauren: – and it’s just, that’s kind of the premise, and then it goes from there, and –
Christina: And I’m science dumb, and Lo, you know, is a Ph.D., she’s a neuroscientist, and her husband’s a biochemist, and so I’m just like, she’s explaining stuff to me and I’m like, uh-huh? Uh-huh?
Amanda: I didn’t even know that!
Christina: Uh-huh – you didn’t?
Christina: Yes. She’s so smart –
Christina: – it’s gross.
Sarah: So you’re actually Dr. Billings?
Christina: She is!
Sarah: That’s badass!
Christina: I know.
Christina: I, I, see, I love telling people about that and just, like, it, like, like, it somehow makes me cooler!
Amanda: Hanging out with a doctor!
Christina: But so, there’s, like, I mean, there’s not too much science. It’s actually good that, like, I am not science leaning and she is, because then she gives us, like, the smart stuff, but then it doesn’t get too much because I’ll go, wait, I, I, nobody knows what this means.
Sarah: I just noticed –
Sarah: – Christina, you’re wearing a shirt that says churros?
Christina: Says churros and the Haunted Mansion.
Sarah: Now I want churros. That wasn’t –
Christina: I know!
Sarah: – on my dessert poll! Oh, I failed.
Lauren: I know; like, add that to the poll.
Sarah: Oh, I don’t know what to –
Christina: I want to go to Disneyland.
Amanda: Churros, churros doesn’t fit, like, neatly into a category; it’s like its own thing.
Christina: It is.
Lauren: It’s like party food!
Sarah: And, and drunk on the streets in Spain food.
Sarah: Yeah. Oh yeah.
Christina: And rollercoaster food.
Sarah: Hell yeah! Especially waiting in line for rollercoasters.
Lauren: It’s like trying to imagine eating churro on a rollercoaster.
Christina: I would be willing to try. Ahh, ahh!
Sarah: I could, I could eat a churro on the doughnut rollercoaster, but that’s about it.
Lauren: We were just talking the other day, I was like, as soon as this is over, I want to make plans to go to Disneyland, and then my husband goes, do you really think you’ll feel comfortable going to Disneyland? And I said –
Sarah: Way to ruin it!
Lauren: I said, ahhh, I, I don’t know! I mean, it’s just, like, there’s just so many unknowns! We don’t know – like, I hadn’t left my house in over a month because I was sick before, and, and then it turned into pneumonia and stuff, and so I left Sunday and I said to Will, I have to leave. This is how people get weird. I have to go somewhere.
Christina: It’s true. Yeah.
Lauren: And so it’s like, I, I just, we’re going to have all these people who, like, develop this thing where they just, like, don’t want to go outside and – you know what I mean?
Amanda: Well, Eric’s –
Sarah: Everyone’s going to be a little – I do have to say, I like greeting people from six feet away. That’s a good distance for me –
Sarah: – on a general day? No, I’m –
Lauren: Whereas, you know, I am such a hugger? I miss hugging!
Lauren: It’s going to have to change the way I interact with the world, though. It really is.
Sarah: I saw something, I think it was on Tumblr this morning. I was on, my, my reward for making it through part of my workout is that I get to fuck around on the internet for the later part of my workout –
Sarah: – so I’m, like, holding on with one had so I don’t wreck my face and reading Tumblr with the other? Somebody was like, you know, I, I, people just have to get ready to be hugged. You bagged my groceries? I’m going to hug you. You made eye contact? I’m going to hug you.
Christina: When, like, all these commercials are like, contact-less curbside delivery, and every, you know, like, person that doesn’t like contact is like, oh, that sounds perfect!
Sarah: Oh –
Amanda: Like, I feel so bad –
Christina: Three introverts.
Amanda: – for the extroverts ‘cause, you know, I was talking to my mom; I was like, if you told, like, fifteen-year-old Amanda she’d be spending her thirty-first birthday, like, locked inside her home and not having to interact with anyone, she would think it’s like the best thing in the world!
Sarah: [Laughs] The greatest birthday ever!
Amanda: She will love it! I don’t have to socialize!
Sarah: I, I do like being where the people aren’t, I have to say. I do like –
Amanda: It’s great!
Sarah: – being where the people aren’t!
Amanda: But my, my boyfriend’s the opposite. He’s going mad. His birthday is tomorrow –
Amanda: – and he is just, he hates being inside. But we wanted to, like, travel for our thirty-first birthdays; that’s not going to happen for a while, but – he’s like, I didn’t get you anything. I was like, I didn’t get you anything either! Like, what –
Amanda: Like, chill out!
Sarah: Someday we’ll take a trip.
Lauren: I got you almonds and pickles!
Christina: You’re welcome; I gave you money.
Sarah: Have some mayonnaise!
Amanda: He works for, like, this meat company, and he’s like, oh, I’ve got, like, some really good bacon! I could, like, toss it to you outside the, like, I’ll drive by and toss it out the window! I was like, sure!
Sarah: Who sent –
Lauren: Do you see where we are though, now?
Sarah: – birthday bacon?
Lauren: Like, people are like, oh my God, I found this, like, flourless bread recipe, or whatever! You know what I mean?
Lauren: They’re all excited! We’re like, I’m, I’m, like, saving my cooking scraps ‘cause I’m going to make stock. I’m not going to make stock!
Sarah: I search for recipes by the number of eggs in them because I have too many eggs and I refuse to waste food.
Lauren: Right?! I’m putting a quarter of an onion in the fridge ‘cause I don’t, I feel too bad to throw it away! [Laughs]
Amanda: I’m going to compost now!
Sarah: The quarantimes are weird, aren’t they?
Christina: They are weird.
Lauren: [Sighs] They are weird.
Sarah: But thank you for celebrating Amanda’s birthday with us!
Amanda: Thank you!
Lauren: Happy quarantine birthday.
Amanda: It was a sneaky surprise!
Christina: It was fun.
Sarah: You should have seen this email I sent? So I had this really weird idea: would you like to surprise Amanda? And they were like – [gasps] – yes!
Lauren: We were like, yes!
Christina: We were like, hell yes!
Amanda: And Sarah sent me a cake! It was very nice!
Christina and Lauren: Aw!
Sarah: I did.
Christina: What a good one!
Sarah: It was a white wine cake with buttercream icing!
Amanda: And lemon curd!
Christina: Holy shit, that sounds delicious!
Sarah: Oh, it looked so good.
Amanda: It is delicious!
Sarah: And the person who made it – it’s this bakery near Amanda, like in the same part of Boston – it’s called Whiskful.
Lauren: Oh, that’s really cute!
Sarah: – adorable?
Christina: That sounds like a rom-com, like, business name.
Lauren: It does!
Amanda: I know!
Sarah: Right? Yes, and she was super excited –
Amanda: She was very nice.
Sarah: – to, like, oh, yeah, I’ll deliver it! That’s no problem!
Amanda: She de-, she had, like, a mask and, like, gloves on, but she’s like, oh my God, are you Amanda? I was like, yeah. She’s like, happy birthday!
Amanda: She had, this, like, boxed cake.
Amanda: It was very sweet.
Christina: I love that. Yeah, but, like, mail’s a big deal now. Now it’s like, you know, we’re getting letters from the war. A package came!
Christina: I sent your daughter a card. I wrote her a card.
Lauren: Oh, yes, yes! She did, did she text you?
Christina: No. But it’s okay.
Lauren: Oh geeze.
Christina: It’s fine! I still owe her birthday and Christmas presents, so she’s allowed to –
Lauren: She showed me, I read the card. It was so lovely.
Christina: And she’s, I just think it’d be hard to be a teenager right now.
Sarah: My son is standing a backyard of another kid just, like –
Sarah: – at opposite ends of the yard just talking. It’s like, they’re just happy –
Christina: Are they making eye contact?
Sarah: They’re just happy to be in the same location. And –
Lauren: My –
Sarah: – her, his friend, Katarina, she got a dog! But she doesn’t have anybody to, like, show her dog to! So it’s like, they, like –
Sarah: – well, the leash is six feet, so you could say hello to the –
Christina: Yeah. Well, and that’s like ninety percent of getting a dog is that you can show other people how cool your dog is.
Amanda: Yeah, look at my dog!
Lauren: My, my daughter’s hus- – or, husband – boyfriend will sit out in the grass, and she’s, like, on the porch, and I, like, keep looking, and I’m like, back on the cement!
Sarah: It’s like the olden days! No touching!
Lauren: It is! [Laughs]
Amanda: How long have they been –
Sarah: No kissing!
Amanda: How long have they been dating?
Lauren: They were supposed to have their, like, six-month anniversary –
Amanda: Oh my God.
Lauren: – or something, and she was all sad, and so, yeah.
Amanda: Eric and I have been dating for four years, and I couldn’t even get him to give me a drive-by wave on my birthday. [Laughs]
Sarah: You’d think he’d be excited to go drive somewhere!
Amanda: I, with his new car! I was like, just wave to me from your vehicle!
Lauren: Oh my gosh, that’s hilarious.
Amanda: He’s like, nooo.
Lauren: Eh, different approaches. [Laughs]
Sarah: Very silly.
Well, thank you, ladies, so much!
Amanda: Thank you!
Lauren: – for having us. It’s so good to see your faces.
Sarah: It is!
Lauren: Happy birthday, honey.
Amanda: Thank you so much! I love your Adam Driver shirt.
Amanda: Never throw it away!
Lauren: I realize that now I could have, I could have just taped it all on. I didn’t have to iron it on, but you know.
Christina: Forever! You better post a picture of that. That’s a pretty great –
Amanda: Go big or go home!
Lauren: I will.
Christina: Everything is forever in the quarantine.
Lauren: That’s true.
Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this supremely silly episode. Thank you to Christina and Lauren and Kristin for helping me surprise Amanda, and happy birthday, Amanda.
I am curious, because for me cake is the reward and buttercream is the bonus, but I do want to know what your favorite dessert is. Cake, cupcakes, pies, brownies, cookies – you have a recipe you want to tell me about? You want to share some photographic pornography of carbohydrates? You know I’m here for that. You can email me at [email protected]. And if you go to the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast, I will have pictures of cake, I’ll have pictures of Lauren, I’ll have pictures of our impromptu pajama party, and I will have links to everywhere you can find all of our guests and the different links we talked about during the episode!
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I will, of course, have links to everything we talked about, and if you want to tell me about the K-dramas and Chinese dramas you’re watching – should I watch The Untamed? Should I do that? I have a feeling that I probably should, because what else do I have to do? I can watch sixty episodes of really interesting gentlemen with long hair and gowns and magic and a flute, right? Seriously, if you’ve watched this, please tell me; I’d like to hear about it.
But as always, I end each episode with a terrible joke, and this joke – [ominous voice] – is coming from inside the house. [Normal voice] This joke is from my older son, who I call Freebird on the internet. This is from him. It’s terrible. I love it so much.
What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
Give up? What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?
[Laughs] And I am drinking an awful lot of tea in the quarantimes, so I appreciate this joke.
Thank you again to Christina Lauren and Kristin Dwyer. Happy birthday, Amanda. Happy birthday, Lindsay! Have a wonderful weekend. We will see you back here next week.
Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find more outstanding podcasts to listen to at frolic.media/podcasts.
This podcast transcript was handcrafted with meticulous skill by Garlic Knitter. Many thanks.