362. Live from The Strand: Romance Game Night!

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Howdy! Happy Friday, or whatever day it is when you are listening to this episode, which is episode number 362 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell from Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, and today I have the audio live from the Strand Book Store Romance Game Night. If you missed Romance Game Night on July 25th, we have audio, courtesy of the fine, fine folks at the Strand. So you get to listen in as Helena Hunting, Lauren Layne, Melonie Johnson, Alisha Rai, and Sonali Dev play Romance Bingo, Never Have I Ever, or Would You Rather? It’s very inappropriate and hilarious, and I will tell you in a moment the titles that this episode almost had.

But I also want to thank several people by name, and you’ll hear this during the episode as well, but it bears repeating! Emphasis on bears. A lot of people go into an event like this behind the scenes with box cutters, tote bags, probably Sharpie markers, and I want to make sure to name the people who made this evening possible, so massive and effusive thanks to Sabir Sultan, Cynthia Gray, Natalie Tsay, Marissa Sangiacomo, Jennie Conway, Naureen Nashid, DJ Desmyter, Megan Harrington, Kelly Klein, and of course to Sean P., who recorded this fine, fine audio. Thank you, thank you, thank you for making this evening possible for everyone who enjoyed it.

What did I call this episode almost? “Leeches, Bears, and Tampons, Oh My.”

This week’s podcast sponsor is the Muffia series, written by Ann Royal Nicholas. If you liked Sex in the City and The Jane Austen Book Club or if you’re a member of a book club yourself, you will love this contemporary women’s fiction series set in Los Angeles, where only one of the nine members of this zany book club is in show business. The Muffia, More Muffia, and Muff Stuff are each narrated by a different member of the Muffia book club. In book one, The Muffia, Madelyn is having a fling with an Israeli spy and trying to get her life back on track. In book two, More Muffia, talent agent Quinn is getting sabotaged at work while trying to break free of her married boyfriend. And in book three, Muff Stuff, Sarah is in the midst of a bad breakup and dogs are going missing, all while she tries to build a baking empire. In each of the stories, there’s a light mystery element and a couple of book club meetings where invariably one of the Muffs reveals a calamity that needs everyone’s help. The Muffia is a series about the enduring power of friendship and the love of books, and because each book is told from a different character’s point of view there is something for everyone. The Muffia series is on sale now. You can find out more at annroyalnicholas.com.

Today’s podcast transcript is brought to you by Last Chance Rodeo by Kari Lynn Dell. In this standalone novel, Dell invites readers into the heart of her home country, Montana’s Blackfeet Nation, and the challenges faced by a teenaged boy with fetal alcohol syndrome who is determined to live his best life with the staunch support of his makeshift family, plus a whole lot of hope, humor, and one very opinionated horse. One thoughtless moment cost David Parsons everything: an irreplaceable horse named Muddy, his rodeo career, and his fiancée. After four long years he’s finally tracked the missing horse to the Blackfeet Reservation, and it should be the happiest day of his life. But the troubled young boy who’s riding Muddy now has had more than his fair share of hard knocks, and his fierce guardian Mary Steele will do whatever it takes to make sure losing this horse isn’t the blow that levels him. David finds himself drawn to both of them and faces a soul-wrenching dilemma: take Muddy and his shot at rodeo glory…or claim what could be his last chance to make his shattered heart whole. Author Kari Lynn Dell is a Blackfeet descendant who lives with her family on the reservation and brings a lifetime of rodeo experience to this touching family drama. Last Chance Rodeo is available now wherever books are sold. You can find out more at karilynndell.com.

If you are a long-time listener of this podcast or a recent new listener, hi. You know that we have a podcast Patreon. Every pledge helps keep the show going, helps me make sure that I can record outside of my snug little office here, and most of all, makes sure every episode has a transcript, just like this one will. If you would like to join our Patreon community, please have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches. Monthly pledges start at one dollar, and every pledge is deeply, deeply appreciated.

I will have information at the end of the show as to the music you’re listening to, what’s coming up on Smart Bitches this week, and I’ll have a terrible joke, because, well, it is that time of year when all I do is send terrible jokes to people, ‘cause I’m a terrible person.

But without any further delay, let’s have some fun. It is time for Romance Game Night at the Strand.

[music]

Sarah: Come on in and sit down!

[Applause, cheers]

Sarah: Okay, y’all did real well; well done. Welcome, everybody! Find a chair. All right, shall we get this evening started?

[Cheers]

Sarah: All right.

Marissa Sangiacomo: Oh, wait, that’s cheating. You can’t see the questions. These are really –

Sarah: [Laughs]

[Indistinct chatter]

Sarah: All right, so I am going to have our lovely, amazing, incredible panel of authors introduce themselves and tell us your latest book, please! Pop quiz: do you remember what it’s called?

[Laughter]

Sarah: That’s a hard question. Would you please go first, ma’am?

Helena Hunting: Yeah. Hi, I’m – oh, geeze, that needs to be closer. Hi. I’m Helena Hunting, and the last book I released was Making Up, and that was like a week ago.

[Laughter, cheers, applause]

Lauren Layne: And I am Lauren Layne. My most recent book is The Prenup, which came out two weeks ago.

Sarah: Yay! Congratulations!

[Applause]

Melonie Johnson: I’m Melonie Johnson, and my most recent book was Once Upon a Bad Boy.

Sarah: Woohoo!

[Cheers and applause]

Alisha Rai: I’m Alisha Rai, and my upcoming book, comes out August 6th, is The Right Swipe.

Sarah: Yes!

[Cheers and applause]

Sonali Dev: I’m Sonali Dev, and my last book was called, um –

Audience: Pride, Pride, Prejudice –

Sonali: – Pride, Prejudice, and Other Flavors!

[Laughter, applause]

Sarah: Always going to forget one, right? Okay, so here’s how all of this mayhem will work: you guys have Bingo cards. The Bingo begins now. Any term that one of us says, you mark on your Bingo cards –

Melonie: Oh my!

Sarah: – and if you get Bingo you can stand up and yell! That sounds great! I will also check in, in between our games of inappropriate mayhem, to make sure that no one has inadvertently made a Bingo and then not noticed, because, I mean, authors, right? Bingo, authors? Authors. So the Bingo starts now. All of the things that we say are fair game, okay?

Alisha: Mm.

Sarah: Man titty.

[Laughter]

Sarah: First we’re going to play Never Have I Ever, Writers Edition, and we have paddles for everyone. That does sound as fun as it sound – as I just, as I just said that out loud, and, like, ooh, we have paddles! This is even better!

Alisha: I have two. I don’t know why.

Sarah: You know, one of them might be mine.

Alisha: I’ve both done and not done everything.

Sarah: Can I have mine? I think it’s supposed to be mine? I’m just going to come get my paddle.

[Cross-talk]

Sarah: Wait, this is mine, right? I’m supposed to use this to, like, beat them into – okay.

[Laughter]

Sarah: So if they answer poorly, I’m now armed.

Sonali: Isn’t that why we all have them?

Sarah: Yes! Yes, but you’re authors, so it’s self-flagellation. That’s how this works.

[Laughter]

Sonali: This is true.

Sarah: No, it’s not. So, we’re going to start with Never Have I Ever, and if you have, you hold up your Have, and you have not, you hold up your Have Not, and then I will ask for stories, because I have no mercy, and that’s horrible.

Alisha: What’s the rating on this?

Guest: Oh –

Sarah: This is not my house, so I’m going to say NC-17 is fine. You do what you need to do.

Alisha: Just checking.

Sarah: Sean’s fine with it, so we’re good, yeah. I’ve decided that he, he makes the decisions.

[Laughter]

Melonie: It’s all your fault now, Sean.

Sarah: All right, ladies. Never Have I Ever…used real life inspiration for a character or a plot.

You have, you have, you have, you have, you have. That was kind of a gimme, right?

All right, Lauren? What was your inspiration from real life for a character or plot?

Lauren: Oh, well it’s actually not that exciting, but if I have a character that I don’t really like, maybe some past coworkers, people that have done me wrong, may make a little appearance. And those – I’m going to be a little bit vague in case they’re in the audience, ‘cause that would be super awkward.

[Laughter]

Lauren: But yeah, it tend, it tends to be the more negative traits. Maybe I’m like, this person really pissed me off, and then maybe it’s  a little bit, just accidentally.

Sarah: This sounds outstandingly cathartic.

Lauren: It actually kind of is, because, like, you can’t, I, I’m not very confrontational usually, but you know, you can kind of say, hey, remember that one time when you were actually awful in the break room? Yeah, I mean, it may sneak in there! Yeah. Just saying.

Sarah: Have all of you pretty much written in people you don’t like and had terrible things happen to them?

Lauren: Please tell me it’s not just me.

Alisha: No, it is not!

[Laughter]

Melonie: Yeah, yeah.

Sarah: ‘Cause I have one whole novella to my credit, and I totally did that.

[Laughter]

Lauren: Yeah, yeah.

Alisha: I mean, I’ve written in people I like too, so –

Melonie: Yeah, mm-hmm, yeah.

Lauren: I have not done that.

Alisha: – equal opportunities.

Sarah: Equal, equal opportunity?

Alisha: Yeah, yeah.

Sarah: Is there anyone, has there ever been anyone who was, like, super dastardly, where you’re like, not only am I going to write you into my book, but something really bad is going to happen to you?

Alisha: Oh God –

Helena: No.

Sarah: We don’t have any suspense authors, so there’s not going to be any entrails or dismemberment.

Lauren: If, if there was a thriller? Absolutely.

Sarah: Oh, oh. Ask Karen Rose that question. She’ll tell you about people she killed, and it is, like –

[Laughter]

Sarah: – but not literally. Although it sounds that way when she talks about it, and it’s great.

All right, Never Have I Ever written spicy things in a public place.

I have, I have, I have, I have, I have never written a spi-, no wait! No, I was in my room when I wrote that.

All right, Sonali?

Sonali: Oh gosh. I have written spicy things on bleachers while my four- and six-year-olds were swimming in –

[Laughter]

Sarah: Listen, I’ve been to swim meets, and they are nine and a half years long each.

Sonali: Yes!

Sarah: So how much sex were you writing here?

Sonali: And – [laughs] – no, and this is like, no, these are classes that my four-year-old and six-year-old went to, not swim meets, but, but I have to say that the swim instructor that my kids had when they were that young –

Sarah: Uh-oh.

[Laughter]

Sonali: That is all I will say. My son is now that age, and I feel terrible.

[More laughter]

Sonali: Yeah. It was not strictly legal, but, but it was –

Sarah: It’s like fake killing people; it’s fine.

Sonali: Okay, I’ll say three words: low-slung swim shorts.

Audience: Ohhh! [Laughs]

Sarah: This is why we have these paddles, ladies. Helena, what about you? Have you ever written the spicy things in a public place?

Helena: On a plane.

Sarah: ‘Cause you know the people who sit next to you on the plane are like –

Helena: If, if they want to read over my – that’s up to them. I mean, that’s –

[Laughter]

Helena: – not my fault. If they have issues later –

Sarah: That’s their problem.

Helena: Yeah, they’re just, go to the bathroom. You’re fine.

[Laughter]

Sarah: That’s a different club.

All right, Never Have I Ever cried while writing or reading my own book.

Ev- – excellent! You cried, Melonie?

Melonie: Yeah, and I really didn’t expect to. In the second book, Smitten by the Brit, it is two girls, her best friend is getting married, and she had been, the heroine had been wanting to get married for a long time and things went awry, and her best friend has this whirlwind romance and is getting married in, like, less than six months of meeting her, you know, her, her guy, and so for a long time there is, like, this jealousy she had to work through, but then when she was, you know, the, the maid of honor walking down the aisle, when she kisses her, her best friend and says, you know, she says, you know, I’m so happy for you, I love you, and it was in that moment of pure joy –

Audience member: Bingo!

[Laughter]

Melonie: Did I give you all the words in one row?

Sarah: That didn’t take long.

Alisha: Oh my God.

Sarah: All right, Natalie’s coming towards you with a prize! Congratulations on your Bingo!

Melonie: One answer!

Sarah: Well played!

[Applause]

Melonie: But yeah, so that moment of just, like, letting all that jealousy go and just being purely happy for her friend, I was just like – [sniffles]. And then I was narrating it, I was crying in the booth.

Sarah: Oh no!

Audience: Aw!

Sarah: And that makes your voice sound really funky when you get all – [snivels]. Yeah, that’s a problem. Oh no. Alisha?

Alisha: Hi, Sarah.

Sarah: How you doing?

Alisha: Good.

Sarah: Have you cried while writing your own books?

Alisha: Oh yeah.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Alisha: And I think the worst, or the most awkward one was – does anyone here know what Wegmans is?

Audience: Yeah!

Sarah: Wegmans.

Alisha: Of course you do! So my sister, you know, she, my family lives close to the, sort of the flagship Wegmans in Rochester, and I, they have a great café upstairs, and you can go sit there and work and stuff, so I used to sit there and write a lot, and I actually finished the Forbidden Hearts series in, in that, right there; like, I wrote the last scene there, and funny enough, that series has a supermarket chain in it that is in a cold, upstate New York town.

[Laughter]

Alisha: And so I was sitting there, and I was, like, crying, ‘cause I was like, they’re all okay! It’s all good! And then, I kid you not, the door, like, for the conference room there opens, and Danny Wegmans walks out? And if you’re, like, a local, you know the Wegmans family. Like, they come to the stores and they’ll, like, you know, come up and be like, hey, how’s it going? Like, you looking for the ham? Sorry, we don’t have the ham. We’ll take care of the ham, you know. And my sister, my older sister, actually, one time Danny Wegmans came up to her while she was at the meat counter, and she was, he was like, is there anything I can do for you? And she was like, oh yeah! Like, I’m really sad you guys don’t sell that ham here anymore, and he turned to his poor, overworked assistant and said, what’s up with the ham?

[Laughter]

Alisha: And so, so he came up to me, and I’m sitting there like – [sobs] – and, and he was like, hi! And I said, hi! And he’s like, how’s it going? I was like – [teary] – good. And he’s like, are you enjoying the sushi?

[Laughter]

Alisha: And I said – [still teary] – I am. It’s lovely. So that is my greatest crying story.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Alisha: It’s wonderful.

Audience: Bingo!

Alisha: Ah! You’re welcome!

[Laughter]

Sarah: We got all the Bingo up in here. You guys on that? All right, the Bing-, okay, Marissa’s coming at you. Other Bingo is up front on the far right. Thank you, okay. This is, this is some rapid Bingo. We need to start adding, like, scientific terms to the Bingo cards here. And then I’ll start asking questions about, like, two trains leaving stations at –

Helena: Don’t start math-ing.

Sarah: No, I don’t math. There is no math-ing. Sorry.

Helena: No.

Sarah: It’s why we write.

Helena: Yeah.

Sarah: All right. Never Have I Ever – this is a terrible question; I apologize; this may be potentially upsetting – Never Have I Ever accidentally lost or deleted my entire manuscript.

Audience: Oh my gosh! Aw!

Melonie: The entire thing?

Lauren: The entire –

Sonali: Entire?

Sarah: Enough of it that you were panicked. Yeah. You have not?

Lauren: I have not.

Sarah: Nice!

Lauren: Knock on wood.

Melonie: She said entire.

Alisha: Enough that you were panicked.

Melonie: Yeah, panicked, panicked, yeah.

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah? Oh my gosh.

Lauren: [Laughs] For wavering.

Helena: For, like, a minute and a half, though. And then I figured it out.

Sarah: But it was like, but it was very memorable.

Helena: It was the most terrifying minute and a half of my entire life. Almost. Sort of. But it came back, so it’s fine.

Sarah: Sonali?

Sonali: When I had just decided I want to start writing again, I had an office job, I was nine months pregnant –

Lauren: [Gasps]

Sonali: – and I had been –

Sarah: So you were a little busy.

Sonali: I was kind of busy, but I wrote on my work laptop. Not a good idea, people; note to self, I mean note to everybody. [Laughs] But I had written about six, seven chapters, but I had gotten back to writing after a good ten years, so this was, you know, in my mind, absolutely brilliant stuff.

[Laughter]

Sonali: And I left work one day, went home, it was the weekend, and my boss calls me and says, what month are you in again? And I said, ninth, and he said, so if you panic and something happens and you have your baby, that’ll be safe, right? And I said, what happened? And he said, your lap-, a bunch of laptops were stolen out of the office. Someone went through and stole about fifteen laptops, and yours was one of them.

Audience: Ohhh!

Sonali: And no backups, nothing, it was all gone –

Sarah: [Gasps]

Sonali: – which is probably a great thing, because having written since then, it was a good thing someone stole that manuscript.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Do you ever go back and think about writing that story? Do you remember it?

Sonali: It was, it was an autobiographical story of having an arranged marriage. So it was called Thirteen Boys, which means I met thirteen boys, and it was, I mean, you know, it, it, it’s, it’s pretty hilarious, because they were very funny thirteen boys. Actually, twelve were funny; thirteenth is my husband, and so –

[Laughter]

Sonali: – who is also kind of funny, but –

Sarah: Kind of funny.

Sonali: – thirteen, thirteen was my last lucky number, so it had to happen. But, but that was the book, so maybe someday.

Sarah: I, I, I think that –

Alisha: I would read it.

Sarah: – I would read that? Show of hands, who would read that? Oh yeah, yeah. So that’s, that’s her endorsement, or we can go find that thief and totally kick his ass, right?

[Laughter]

Sarah: So Lauren, you never lost a manuscript. What is your ironclad backup method?

Helena: Gosh!

Sarah: ‘Cause now we’re going to talk technology.

Lauren: Well, okay – ooh, loud. Got excited about backups!

[Laughter]

Lauren: When I first started out, I was very obsessive. Like, I would write like ten words and email the manuscript to my husband, and I was like, this, this was not a good manuscript. This was, like, early, early days, and he’s like, what am I reading here? Like –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Lauren: – please, please archive it and never open it, but that was my failsafe. And now I’m, I’m very much, I’m a Dropbox loyalist, so I will back up to iCloud and Dropbox. I still, still email it, but now I email it to myself. See, now that I’m saying this, it sounds very, very paranoid, but it’s, it’s worked for me so far.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I don’t think that sounds paranoid; I think that’s completely rational. You have any idea how many backups I have? So many backups. Melonie?

Melonie: I, it’s, like, it was like a couple of minutes of, of panic. It was one of those when Word likes to update at the worst possible times always?

Sarah: For forty-five minutes?!

Melonie: Always, and then you’re like, where is it, where is it, where is it, whereisitwhereiswhereisit? And then, yeah, so at first it didn’t show up, but luckily I have a very technologically savvy husband who manages all my panic attacks, and he’s like, it’s right here!

Sarah: Yeah.

Melonie: It’s fine! He bought me a terabyte hard drive that backs everything up.

Sarah: I’ve got to say, there are points when you, when you hear something like terabyte hard drive, and you’re like, that’s hot.

[Laughter]

Sarah: That’s a lot of books right there.

Melonie: His level of ability to do tech stuff is definitely, you know, competence porn. Yeah.

Sarah: How many books would fit on a terabyte hard drive? I’m starting to think, like, wow.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Alisha, did you ever lose –

Alisha: Yeah, it’s, it was –

Sarah: – your book?

Alisha: I try not to think about it too much. It was last Mercury retrograde, and –

Sarah: Didn’t we have one that just ended?

Alisha: Yeah. It was the one before that. Sorry, it was the one before that.

[Cross-talk]

Sarah: We’re still in it.

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: To the thirty- – okay.

Alisha: Let’s not discuss this.

Sarah: I didn’t say that out loud.

Alisha: Like, I’m getting anxious just thinking about it. You know what it was? I, I went to, I thought it would be a brilliant idea to write on the beach –

Sarah: Oh!

Alisha: – in LA, and, and –

Melonie: In theory.

Alisha: In theory, but it’s hot, and computers don’t like that –

Sarah: No, oh –

Alisha: – and so I went home, and I went to go turn my computer on, and it wouldn’t turn on, and I, I panicked, and I was like, well, it’s okay, I back up everything to the cloud. I check the cloud; my last backup was gone. And so I, I panicked some more, so I took it to this shady Mac guy, and –

[Laughter]

Alisha: – ‘cause I went to the Apple store, and they were like, meh, buy a new computer, and I was like, I’m going to go to a shady Mac guy instead! And so I went to a shady Mac guy, and – but before that, like the night before, I, I did the thing that everyone – I put it in rice, like the whole thing?

[Laughter]

Alisha: Like, I –

Melonie: The whole laptop?

Alisha: I was like, I don’t know, maybe water got in it! I’ll go put it in ice, or rice! So I got a big bag of rice, and I stuck the laptop in it! And I, I took it to the Mac guy, and he was like, you know, maybe –

Sarah: Why is it rattling now?

Alisha: – maybe it got water in it? And I was like, so I put it in rice, and he was like – [scoffs].

[Laughter]

Alisha: And he was like, now, now I have to clean the water and the rice out of it. And so I was like, I’m sorry, and he’s like, don’t do that. Don’t do that!

Melonie: Only tech guys can make that –

Alisha: And so, but he couldn’t save the computer, but luckily by the time, he was able to save the hard drive, so I, like a week later I got back the seven chapters or so that I thought I’d lost.

Sarah: Seven chapters?

Alisha: Seven chapters, yeah.

Lauren: That’s a lot.

Alisha: And the backup lost seven chapters. My editor is here; she can confirm.

[Laughter]

Sarah: It’s true.

Alisha: It’s a real story.

Melonie: So was she panicking too?

Alisha: Yes. I’m like, I’m sorry! It’s Mercury retrograde was my exact email, I believe. [Laughs]

Audience member: [Indistinct] cried.

Alisha: Yeah, she definitely cried.

Sarah: How much rice do you need to buy?

[Laughter]

Lauren: A ten-kilo bag?

Alisha: I bought, I bought, like, a big, I went to, like, the Hispanic grocery store, ‘cause I figured it’d be cheaper – it was – and then I bought, like, a, like, a giant bag of rice, and I stuck my whole computer into it.

[Laughter]

Sonali: Alisha, I think, I think I’m personally offended it wasn’t basmati.

Alisha: [Laughs] I know; it was not.

Sarah: That’s why!

Alisha: It was, it was long-grain, yeah.

Sarah: That was why, right, Sonali? That was why it didn’t work, ‘cause it wasn’t basmati. That was why it didn’t work.

Sonali: It might have worked if it were.

Alisha: Yes, you’re right, yes. Our people do make the right rice.

Sonali: Our people do make the best –

[Laughter]

Sarah: I’m still just envisioning pulling a laptop out of a bag of rice and being like, fix this, please!

Melonie: Did, did you bring it to the, the shady Mac guy in the bag?

Alisha: No! But when I, when I took it out of the bag to hand to him it was in, like, a computer sleeve, and, like, rice, some rice fell out!

[Laughter]

Sarah: So if you do write, write on the beach now, do you just bring the rice with you?

Alisha: I don’t write on the beach anymore!

Melonie: Why?

Alisha: I’m traumatized! I, if I’m on a boardwalk, that’s fine. I will not write on the sand. That’s my –

Sarah: Do you have the rice with you?

Alisha: I don’t have rice with me! Yes.

Sarah: Now I’m thinking, like, what kind of Kate Spade handbag would hold the right amount of rice in an emergency?

Alisha: I’d never put rice in my handbag.

Sarah: No, that would, that, that – what was I thinking? That’s –

Alisha: Over the line, yeah.

Sarah: – clearly ridiculous.

All right, Never Have I Ever nearly quit writing.

Oooh. You have. You have not. You have. You have. Sonali, you on, you’re, you’re on the fence there?

Helena: Maybe? Maybe a little?

Sarah: This is a binary question; I’m sorry.

Lauren: Pick one!

Sarah: All right, Lauren? What made you almost want to quit writing?

Lauren: Well, so –

Sarah: When you lost a manuscript? No!

Lauren: I didn’t have the rice.

[Laughter]

Lauren: No, I – it’s a little bit of caveat: I don’t think I would ever quit writing? I have put some thought into quitting publishing, just because there is something a little bit vulnerable about, like, you created this, this baby and you love it so much, and you put it out into the world, and that does sometimes, sometimes my, my skin isn’t as thick as it should be, so sometimes I’m like, I’m going to take this just for me! Luckily, so far I’ve, I’ve been brave, and I’ve managed to, to keep putting them out there.

Sarah: Right? But it’s hard! It’s really hard to put something you write –

Lauren: It is! Yeah, I don’t – seriously, like, deep, dark place after all these fun stories, but yeah, it, it is a little bit, it’s vulnerable, and there are times – everyone says you have to have a thick skin, and I’m kind of like, I don’t know that I want to cut myself off from the emotions.

Sarah: Right.

Lauren: There was sort of that, that back and forth of self-protecting versus okay, like, there are readers out there.

Sarah: That is a hard balance, and, and your own access to your emotions is what you put in your writing, so you don’t want to cut that off either.

Lauren: Right, and usually I’ll be, like, just finished writing The End, and it’s a sad scene, and I’m, like, not in a great place anyway. Should not be making decisions in that, that mindset, but –

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah, that is a tough one. Melonie, what about you?

Melonie: I think we talked about this a little bit on our, the podcast episode.

Sarah: When I interviewed you, yeah.

Melonie: Yeah, so, you know, warning: it’s, you know, I, something to talk about my, my, when my father passed away. It was really rough, and it actually, I got the phone call from the, my sister that he was in the hospital while I was at a writer’s group, so I was actually mid writing what became Getting Hot with the Scot, so – [clears throat] – that –

[Laughter]

Melonie: So that whole experience, I just, I took about a year off, really. So yeah, and it wasn’t, I don’t think I actively said I’m, I’m not going to write anymore; I just, it just, it wasn’t there.

Sarah: Yeah. I understand that.

Melonie: Yeah.

Sarah: So here’s the other question. One more, one more Never Have I Ever before we switch to, you know, double-check the Bingo and then move on.

Never Have I Ever…made myself laugh so hard I cried while writing my book.

Melonie: Lot of crying. [Laughs]

Lauren: Bingo! We got a Bingo?

Sarah: We got a Bingo? Nice! Wait, and there’s a Bingo over here!

Helena: Oh my gosh!

Sarah: We’re racking up the Bingos, yes. Awesome! All right, stay tuned!

Melonie: Made ourselves laugh so hard we cried?

Sarah: Never Have I Ever made myself laugh real hard while –

Helena: Real hard?

Sarah: Real hard. Yeah.

Melonie: I think, yeah.

Sarah: I mean, it’s kind of egotistical to be like, I crack myself up!

Lauren: Some things are just funny!

Sarah: Yeah, you have, Alisha?

Alisha: Yeah, I crack myself up.

[Laughter]

Alisha: So –

Sarah: I know!

Alisha: – yeah. I, I, you know, I don’t know if I cry, I don’t really, like, cry-laugh that, that often, but I’ve definitely, like, typed something and – [laughs]

[Laughter]

Alisha: What a clever person I am! You know, but, so I don’t, I don’t know.

Sarah: I, I should be a writer!

Alisha: Yeah!

Sarah: Maybe I should –

Alisha: Maybe I should write rom-coms!

Several audience members: Bingo!

[Laughter, cheers]

Melonie: You should!

Alisha: You’re welcome!

Sarah: All right, keep your cards in the air if you are rock – yeah.

[Indistinct comments]

Lauren: That’s hilarious.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Lauren: That’s hilarious!

[Indistinct comments]

Sarah: So we’re going to take all of the cards –

Marissa: Oh yeah, remember your number.

Sarah: So you have a number –

Marissa: On the back.

Sarah: – on the back!

Melonie: That was a smart idea –

Sarah: Okay.

Melonie: – to put a number –

Sarah: Do you want them to write their names on the back, ‘cause they have pens.

Marissa: Yeah.

Sarah: Because this is publishing, and everyone has pens and a tote bag. All right, so write your name on the back, and they will be collected by Marissa, who knows lots of things. And then they will draw three. So Bingo – the minute you said rom-com, I was like, oh, there we go.

Guest: Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

Alisha: I, I didn’t know what was on any of the cards, so –

Melonie: None of, yeah –

Sarah: All right.

Melonie: I said Scot, and everyone’s like, check-a-ding!

Sarah: So while we’re collecting Bingo and names, we’re going to switch games to Would You Rather?

Alisha: Mmm.

Sarah: Okay? But you’re still playing Bingo, but at this point we’re going to collect for drawing later, because there’s only so many to-, prize packs that people can wa- – and I will tell you, like, backstage in the, in the place that goes to Weehawken, they each had, like, a, tote bags all the way up their arms? Like, it was really incredible, I was really impressed, so there’s, there’s a lot of tote bag action. So if you get a Bingo, raise your hand, write your name on the back, and we’ll collect your card, right? Yep, I’m right? Okay, cool.

All right, you guys, have you, are you ready for Would You Rather? All right, it’s going to be lots of talking, and I’m going to call lots of names, and it’s going to be really chaotic. Yay! Okay.

Would You Rather…write in a cottage in the middle of nowhere or in an apartment in your dream city?

Guest: Oh!

Sarah: Ooh! I know; I started with real estate, cause I have no pity for you. I’m getting the stink eye from Alisha. It’s like, you had to start with the real estate question, didn’t you? It’s a tough one, right?

Alisha: That, that is a tough one.

Sarah: It is a tough one. So cottage in the middle of nowhere or apartment in your dream city? Who’s going? Sonali?

Sonali: Is it a yes or no question?

Sarah: You’ve got to pick one or the other.

Sonali: Absolutely apartment in, in a city. I mean, I would not know what to do with myself in the middle of the woods. Like, I, I would have just no idea. What, what does one do there?

[Laughter]

Alisha: Yeah. I, I, I’m a city girl at heart. I mean, I, I like the idea of a cottage in the middle of nowhere, but, like, a real cottage in the middle of nowhere would have bears.

[Laughter]

Alisha: But the, the idea of that doesn’t have bears, right? But, like, a real one will.

Sarah: But aren’t bear shifters really hot right now?

Sonali: There, there is one condition under which the cottage will work: if Idris Elba is also in the cottage.

Alisha: Yeah, yeah, who –

[Laughter]

Sarah: You know, I don’t have any notes about –

Alisha: – who else is in the cottage, Sarah?

Sarah: – you know, accommodation notes.

Alisha: Is he there?

Sarah: He’s there.

Alisha: Okay –

[Cross-talk] 

Sarah: All right, so I have it on full authority that the cottage comes with Idris Elba.

[Laughter]

Alisha: I mean, I’d follow Idris anywhere. So I’d take, I’d take him. I pick him, not the cottage; I take him. Yeah.

Sonali: But again, Idris in an apartment is better than Idris in a cottage.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Why? Because there’s, like, food delivery?

Sonali: But Idris cooking –

Alisha: I imagine Idris cooks, okay?

Sonali: Yes! Idris cooks.

Melonie: That’s where I’m in.

Sonali: Because Idris is DJ, so.

Sarah: Okay. Melonie?

Melonie: I was thinking that it should be you could choose cottage with your fantasy significant other or apartment in your fantasy place, but, hmm, if it was cottage with my fantasy significant other I’d go with that. Otherwise, I’ll have to say apartment in my fantasy city.

Sarah: Y’all really like delivery, huh?

[Laughter]

Sarah: I mean, what could not possibly –

Melonie: I like to be able to just get out and go explore, and I, I think that kind of feeds the muse a little bit too?

Sarah: Right, but that’s where the people are.

Alisha: But it’s where the bears aren’t.

[Laughter]

Sarah: So people versus bears –

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: – is a really important real estate –

Alisha: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sarah: – consideration to make here.

Melonie: What – you have a real thing about bears!

[Laughter]

Alisha: I mean –

Sonali: They’re bears.

Alisha: What, they’re bears, Melonie! [Laughs]

Melonie: So my, my grandmother lives in Rhinelander, Wisconsin, which is up in the north woods, and so we’ll, you know, go visit, and literally, the last time we went up there to visit we were driving back home, and in our rearview mirror, great big black bear just walking across the highway, so.

Alisha: Yeah, no thank you.

Sarah: What, before –

Melonie: [Laughs] You’re not going to visit my grandma.

Sarah: – before I moved out of Montclair, which is about nineteen miles west, there was a period of time where there, none of the elementary schools had recess because there were bears, and they were teenagers, and they were hungry, and they were dumb, and they were like, oh! But actually they weren’t dumb, ‘cause they were like, wait, hold on, school dumpsters have great food –

Melonie: Yeah.

Alisha: Ohhh.

Sarah: – so there was no recess, because there were teenage bears diving in the dumpsters, so they finally caught the last teenage bear, who climbed a tree outside a bookstore and refused to leave.

[Laughter]

Sarah: And I was like, this is a really smart bear! I like this bear, and, and I was very sad when he had to leave the bookstore tree, ‘cause I mean, that makes sense! So what if, what if there’s a bookstore bear? That could be good!

Lauren: Ahh!

Melonie: Mmm.

Sarah: A hot – it’s not Idris Elba.

Alisha: It’s still a bear? Then no! [Laughs]

Sarah: Okay. Lauren, what about you? City, cottage with Idris?

Lauren: So, I actually, I do live in the city and I write in my apartment in my dream city. I’m from here. But I do –

Audience member: Woohoo!

Lauren: Oh yay! [Claps] New Yorkers! So I already have that, but I do really sometimes fantasize about, like, the cottage, like the rustic life. I’m like, I’m going to go to the mountains, and my idea of sporty is, like, a ponytail, and I’m, like, ready to go, so –

[Laughter]

Lauren: – last time I had my ponytail, ponytail and the pearls, I’m like, I’m going to, I’m going to go to the mountains! And I saw, like, three ants, and I’m like, no. We are not –

[Laughter]

Lauren: – we’re right back to the city, so I’m, I’m going to, I’m going to say city. I, I like where I’m at.

Sarah: But I’ve seen the ants here.

Lauren: They’re, they’re huge, right? I mean, they’re not bears, but they could, they’re, they’re equally creepy!

Alisha: No, they’re basically bears, yeah.

Lauren: They were, they’re really disgusting, so.

Alisha: Yeah.

Lauren: Yeah. City.

Sarah: City. Helena, what about you?

Helena: Can I have a dog at the cottage?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Look, we’ve already included bears and Idris Elba, so you can have, certainly have a dog.

Helena: Wha-, the bears are – yeah, okay, all right. As long as I can have a dog. I mean, I grew, I’m from Canada. It’s, we don’t even have cities – that’s a lie.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Somebody at the Canadian embassy’s really pissed right now, and they don’t know why.

Helena: And I would be more scared of the moose than the bears.

Sarah: Oh, do not mess with moose! They are not to be trifled with.

Helena: They are, they are dangerous –

Sarah: And they’re mean.

Helena: – and so awkward, but so dangerous. But if I could have a, I grew up, like, my family had a cottage, so I would, I – and it looks like the set of That ‘70s Show threw up all over it, so I –

Sarah: [Laughs] Paneling all the way down?

Helena: Oh, it’s, oh, it’s pine and more pine and some extra pine on top of some really awful shag carpet –

Sarah: Oooh!

Helena: – in a lot of brown. It’s, but it’s, yeah, it’s great for writing and very quiet.

Sarah: Right.

Helena: And there’s a lake. And some bears.

[Laughter]

Helena: And a lot of spiders on the dock.

Alisha: Deal-breaker.

Lauren: Not going there.

Sonali: And no Idris!

Sarah: I love spiders.

Lauren: Spiders!

Sarah: I love spiders. I love them. I love –

Melonie: Did she just –

Sarah: So I’m, I love spiders –

Lauren: Yeah, that’s what she said.

Sarah: – ‘cause I’m allergic to insect venom, so if I get too many insect bites –

Guests: Ohhh!

Sarah: – I get sick –

Guests: Okay.

Sarah: – and the spiders are like my, my, my partners in crime. They’re like, I’m, I – you know how when you see a honeybee and you’re like, are you okay? Do you, water, do you need, are you all right? I see a spider and I’m like, how many did you eat, my friend?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Like, couple hundred, right? Thank you. You can sit on this whole chair; I’ll just move this chair somewhere else for you. You can have all the bugs you – I love spiders. They’re, we’re good friends. I’ll take the bears too; that’s fine. Drunk, drunk bookstore bears.

Alisha: [Laughs]

Lauren: Yeah, that was good.

Sarah: Right, yeah?

Lauren: I liked it.

Sarah: All right, Would You Rather – this is a tough one! – best friend’s brother or brother’s best friend?

Audience: [Laughs] Whoa!

Lauren: Wait –

Melonie: Oh, I got it. Okay.

[Laughter]

Alisha: I have to diagram that. [Laughs]

Sarah: I transcribed it, and I had to look at it for a minute and was like –

Melonie: I got it, I got it, I got it.

Sarah: All right, so best friend’s brother or brother’s best friend? And this could be hypothetical, ‘cause I know your brother is younger than you.

Melonie: Yeah.

Alisha: My brother’s nineteen!

[Laughter]

Lauren: That’s interesting!

Melonie: It’s legal.

Alisha: His twin’s sitting there, and she just made a face.

[Laughter]

Alisha: Yeah, that’s gross.

Sarah: Should I ask your sister?

Alisha: No.

Sarah: Best friend’s brother –

Alisha: You can ask – no! [Laughs]

Sarah: She’s like, no, my gosh, don’t ask me!

Alisha: Yeah, so the, so the other one.

[Laughter]

Alisha: Best friend’s brother.

Sarah: Best friend’s brother.

Melonie: I know there’s –

Alisha: Yeah. All my best friends’ brothers are really cute, actually, so yes. [Laughs] That one.

Sarah: All right, good.

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: Helena?

Helena: My best friend doesn’t have a brother, so that would just, it would be awkward then. So – and I don’t have a brother.

Sarah: But maybe he’s a secret baby!

Melonie: This is hypothetical, right?

Helena: Oh right! Okay, if it’s hypothetical, then my best friend’s brother, I guess.

Sarah: Yeah?

Helena: Yeah.

Sarah: Makes sense.

Helena: Yes, yeah. Seems logical.

Sarah: It’s a tough question, right?

Helena: It is, yeah.

Sarah: Yeah, heroines, heroines have this situation –

Helena: All the time.

Sarah: – just every day –

Helena: Yeah!

Sarah: – all the time, right? It’s –

Melonie: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: – constant, with the best friends –

Helena: A conundrum!

Sarah: – and the brothers having best friends with brothers? This is, like, non-stop! It’s like bear shifters.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Does anyone else want to weigh in on brothers and best friends and best friends and brothers and Sonali?

Sonali: I’ve, I’ve done, I’ve been down the brother’s best friend path, so maybe the other one just for variety?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Lauren, you want to add anything?

Lauren: No, I’m, I’m really overwhelmed by the question.

Lauren and Sarah: [Laugh]

Lauren: I, I think probably brother’s best friend, but I can’t tell you why I say that, so now I’m thinking, like, maybe therapy to figure that out?

[Laughter]

Lauren: Yeah –

Sarah: I get it! I totally get it. All right.

Would You Rather…never use social media again or never watch TV and movies again? You have to choose!

Helena: You’re a monster!

Melonie: I got it.

Sarah: I did not write these questions.

Melonie: I would never use social media again.

Sarah: But I do, I do support them.

Melonie: Never use social media again. Yeah. I’m not, I’m not going to give up movies; that’s storytelling. Yeah. I can give up Twitter. [Laughs]

Sarah: So you would rather Netflix over, over Twitter any day.

Melonie: Yeah. Yeah.

Sarah: I completely understand that! Lauren, what about you?

Lauren: Absolutely social media.

Sarah: Why?

Lauren: Well, I’m not a huge social media fan. I’m really bad at it. I don’t know if anyone follows me on Facebook; I posted like three years ago? But also, like, I, I do think that Netflix is a good escape for writers! Like, it’s, it’s kind of, it’s creative in its storytelling, but – so I’m trying to, like, rationalize it.

[Laughter]

Lauren: I’m really doing research when I binge-watch Friends for the tenth time. I, I just like Friends. I’ll just leave it at that.

Sarah: I don’t think the IRS is, is here. You can totally, like, and it’s a tax deduction!

Lauren: Absolutely.

Sarah: My whole Netflix subscription is a write-off! Helena, what about you? Social media or TV and movies?

Helena: I can’t give up Stranger Things, so I, yeah, I, but I could give up Twitter. But not Stranger Things.

Sarah: I understand! These are, this is, these are tough choices.

Helena: Yeah.

[Laughter]

Melonie: She, she prefers not to answer.

Alisha: Ahhh –

Lauren: Ahhh!

Alisha: I, I would give up social media, but then I would have nobody to talk to about the shows I watch.

[Laughter]

Alisha: This is like –

Sonali: How about the people in your house, Alisha?

Alisha: Yeah, they’re fine. Yeah, I guess I’d keep television and stuff, but I’d be like, I’d sit there and watch it, and then I’d just be like, okay.

[Laughter]

Alisha: So it would be hard, but I, I would, I guess –

Sarah: It’s a tough one.

Alisha: That’s a tough one.

Sonali: It’s not tough. Social, I would give up social media in a minute, not give up stories and film.

Sarah: Yeah?

Sonali: Yeah.

Sarah: I’m so bad at watching television, because I don’t, I don’t – if anyone here is a TV writer, I’m sorry – I don’t trust TV writers, ‘cause I don’t always think that they, they know where they’re going? And so I read this genre where I know the end? I know, I trust writers who are writing novels to know where they’re going ‘cause there’s an end, right? I mean, right? So I, I, I struggle trusting TV writers ‘cause I’m, it reaches a point where I’m like, you don’t, you don’t know where you’re going, do you? You have no idea what’s happening on this. You just, you, right, you just, you, you want syndication. You don’t want character arcs, and I’m in it for the, for the full story, so I would, I would just give up both and go live in a cottage with bears.

[Laughter]

Sonali and Melonie: And spiders!

Sarah: And spi-, and all my spiders. There’s, there’s Sam and, and Mike and –

Lauren: Biff.

Sarah: – Steve and Biff. Biff the spider is my friend, that’s right.

[Laughter]

Sarah: All right, Would You Rather…live in your favorite book or live in a book that you’ve written?

Lauren: Ooh!

Melonie: Oh!

Sarah: Hard question. ‘Cause –

Sonali: What if they’re the same?

Sarah: This is why I love being on panels, ‘cause you’re hilarious. It’s the same – which book?

Sonali: Which book?

Sarah: Which book?!

Sonali: The one that just came out, Pride, Prejudice, and Other Flavors! I kid.

[Laughter]

Audience member: Bingo!

Sarah: All right, over there.

Sonali: You’re welcome!

Sarah: You have Bingo?

Audience member: Yeah.

Sarah: All right, write your name on the back, keep your hand in the air!

Melonie?

Melonie: My favorite book.

Sarah: What’s your favorite book, though?

Melonie: Star Wars!

[Laughter]

Alisha: Is it, is it Star Wars? Just say that –

[Cross-talk, laughter]

Alisha: There’s some book adaptations.

Melonie: That’s true. I just, I just immediately thought of Austen in general, so, you know –

Sarah: But they didn’t have antibiotics!

Melonie: Be quiet! It’s fantasy!

[Laughter]

Sonali: So she would also like to live in Pride, Prejudice, and Other Flavors!

Melonie: I’ll move in with Sonali because they did have antibiotics in that version.

Sarah: Open, open the portal; we’re all going in.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Alisha?

Alisha: I think, you know what, I, I feel like I’d like to try something new, since I already know my own book?

Sarah: Yeah?

Alisha: I would do, I would do my favorite book.

Sarah: Which is?

Alisha: A Wrinkle in Time.

Everyone: Ahhh!

Alisha: And –

Sarah: You could just, you could just grab yourself a tesseract and go to your book –

Alisha: I mean, it’s –

Sarah: – and then go somewhere else!

Alisha: Yeah, exactly! Like, I could just, you know, jump dimensions, and, and I think especially after the movie adaptation, ‘cause, ‘cause of Chris.

[Laughter]

Alisha: It was really awkward, actually, ‘cause when I was young I had a crush on Calvin, and then I saw that movie trailer, and I was like, do I have a crush on the dad? Maybe? Now? Weird.

Sarah: We, we evolve –

Alisha: Yes, we do!

Sarah: – as people.

Alisha: We grow!

Sarah: We do grow.

Helena: It’s called aging.

Alisha: Yeah. Life is rich.

Sarah: It’s a good crush!

Alisha: Yes.

Sarah: Lauren, what about you?

Lauren: I’m going to say a book that I’ve written, mainly because my favorite book is Harry Potter, and I don’t think I’m cut out for it.

Guest: Oh my gosh, why?

Lauren: I, I think the Sorting Hat would be like, mm, no, and just would send me home, so –

Audience member: Bingo!

Lauren: – I’ll say a book that I’ve written.

Sarah: Bingo over here, y’all. Thank you!

Lauren: Was it Sorting Hat? Just –

Alisha: In a minute.

Sonali: That would be a nice serious answer.

Sarah: Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Alisha: Good one.

Helena: That is.

Sonali: Yeah, I would totally live in Hogwarts –

Guest: Yeah, me too.

Sonali: – in a –

Helena: I would, yeah; Hogwarts sounds fun.

Sarah: I question the presence of antibiotics at Hogwarts too, to be honest with you.

Lauren: But they have, they have magic. They would have a spell so you wouldn’t need to worry about it.

Melonie: Magic, magic, yeah –

Sarah: They make, make the poop go away, right, yeah.

Melonie: Yeah, that’s right. Yes!

Lauren: Mm-hmm. Yeah!

Sarah: That’s true. Helena? This is a hard question!

Helena: It is! Well, because all my favorite books are super angsty, so I don’t know if I would want to live that angst over and over and over again.

Sarah: Once was enough!

Helena: Yeah!

Sarah: Plus edits.

Helena: Well, no, ‘cause I’ll, but, like, I’ll reread certain parts of my favorite books, but it’s generally not the angsty part, right?

Lauren: Yeah.

Helena: So maybe just those scenes.

Sarah: Any scene in particular you’d want to jump into? We’re all living in our books?

Helena: All the steamy ones, but then I’d be tired a lot and sweaty.

[Laughter]

Sarah: It is a concern.

Helena: It is; it’s rough.

Sarah: It is a challenge. I, I know what you mean.

All right, Would You Rather – I love this one – live with an 18th-century Scottish Highland warrior or live with your secret baby after one night with your favorite rock star?

[Laughter]

Alisha: I’m sorry, repeat the last one?

Melonie: Are we living with the baby or the rock star?

Alisha: What is that?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Rock star! Rock stars come with ample childcare!

Alisha: But the baby was secret?

Sarah: Yeah.

Alisha: And then we told him?

Sarah: You’ve got a secret baby with a rock star after a one-night stand. You’re going to go live with the rock star and all that childcare.

Alisha: Oh, okay.

Sonali: Does he watch the kid? Does he change diapers? Like –

Sarah: This is your world, so I’m going to say fully emotionally fluent, non fear of, no, no fear of poop.

Helena: Or vomit.

Sarah: Or vomit.

Melonie: Well then I can go with the 18th-century Highlander, because then he would wash. [Laughs]

Laura: Ooh!

Helena: Yeah.

Sarah: Mmmmm –

Melonie: If we’re going fantasy. [Laughs]

Sarah: – that’s true.

Sonali: I want to know more.

[Laughter]

Sonali: Like, wash what?

Sarah: I didn’t, I didn’t write these questions. It’s a tough dichotomy. Do I need to ask for more color?

Alisha: I –

Sarah: No, it’s up to us?

Alisha: You know, I think, like, I don’t, like, I like modern things. I could not live in the 18th century. Like, I like having, like, tampons, I like having birth control, I like having penicillin, so no 18th century for me. But also, I don’t think I would have a secret baby with anyone ‘cause I like child support. So, like, it would have to be like a secret baby for like a month, and then I’d be like, hi! We’re having a baby!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Alisha: And then he’s going to –

Sarah: Well, in the first few weeks –

Alisha: – give me money.

Sarah: – you keep it secret from everybody –

Alisha: Oh, okay.

Sarah: – ‘cause nobody knows until they –

Alisha: Right, yeah, okay. Okay, until, like, I take the test, and then it’s not a secret, okay.

Sarah: Right!

Alisha: Okay, then that’s fine.

Sarah: Right, no secret then.

Alisha: Then I would do the rock star.

Melonie: You’re really thinking this through.

Alisha: Yeah. I did. Yeah, you’ve got to, like, think about it.

[Laughter]

Sarah: It’s hard to word your problems out, you know?

Melonie: It’s the rest of your life.

Alisha: It’s the rest of your life, yeah!

Sarah: With a rock star.

Alisha: With the rock star.

Sarah: And childcare.

Alisha: Yeah. And childcare!

Sarah: And lots of leather pants.

Alisha: And, and penicillin!

[Laughter]

Alisha: Yeah!

Sarah: True.

Sonali: Leather pants totally bother me, and kilts kind of bother me, and I like sewage, which was, you know, I mean, when I, I, I, the idea of chamber pots is –

Alisha: Mm-mm.

Sonali: – you know, not great, because I like the flush to go away, and –

[Laughter]

Lauren: Toilet girl.

Alisha: I know, yeah.

Sarah: Your standards are just so high!

Alisha: Yeah.

[Laughter]

Sonali: So also, I mean, I mean, come on, we’re just about able to deal with the men in this century?

Alisha: Yeah.

Sonali: Realistically, historic men are a no. And –

[Laughter]

Sonali: – and, and, and yeah. Rock stars, I don’t know. I mean, they just feel like I would want him to calm the fuck down?

[Laughter]

Sonali: Sit down for a second, man. Change the diaper. So if he does that, sure.

Sarah: I would really love your next book to be The Rock Star Who Calmed the Fuck Down.

[Laughter]

Sonali: You got it! [Laughs]

Sarah: While I’m just making requests up here –

Alisha: We just wrote it!

Sarah: Yeah, we’re all good. Lauren?

Lauren: I’m just going to be at Hogwarts? No, I would say – no, can I say nei-, I can’t say neither. I have to pick one? ‘Cause I really, like, rock stars creep me out, and I don’t know. It’s the leather pants; they do not work for me.

Sonali: Do not –

Lauren: And no secret babies. This is hard! I, I think –

Sarah: This is very challenging.

Helena: I have a solution.

Lauren: I’m going to go with the, the Scottish guy, I guess. If there’s no ants and no bears.

[Laughter]

Sarah: You can set your terms. Helena? What is your solution to this terrible conundrum?

Helena: So I would like to Karen Marie Moning that and bring the –

Sarah: Oh yes.

Helena: – 18th century, or whatever century Scottish Highlander guy in, like, into the 21st century, and then it’d be, everything’s fine! You got, he –

Sarah: And he would be a rock star!

Helena: Well, I don’t want him to be a rock star. I’m, no leather pants; that’s sweaty and gross.

[Laughter]

Alisha: You know, actually, that, I, I agree with that, ‘cause my favorite genre of, like, anything is seeing, like, people from the past come to modern day –

Lauren: Fish out of water.

Alisha: – and then being, like, confused by, like –

Lauren: Pants! Jeans!

Alisha: – like, tampons, or, or like a toaster or people not dying of the plague.

Lauren: Yes.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Toasters and plague.

Alisha: Yeah, like the first season of Sleepy Hollow is, like, ideal, ‘cause he’s like, what’s a Starbucks?! And I was like, yes! Give me, give me a whole show of that!

Lauren: Let me show you.

Sarah: And I always, like, I remember back in the day when there was a lot of time travel romances.

Alisha: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sarah: Back in the day –

Alisha: It was wonderful.

Sarah: – when there was the Zebra paperback that had –

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: – the postcard in the middle, and there was a sex scene either side of that postcard –

Alisha: Fantastic. [Laughs]

Sarah: – and you would just look for the card.

Melonie: That’s the best of both worlds!

Sarah: Everybody’s nodding like, yes, that is exactly where the sex scene was –

Melonie: You can get both!

Sarah: – either side of that postcard.

[Cross-talk]

Sarah: But there were people who went to the past, and there were people who came to the future, but there were more people going to the past.

Alisha: Right.

Sarah: I would freak out if I woke up in the past! I’d be like –

Sonali: Oh my gosh.

Sarah: – there are no good bras here! This is terrible! But coming forward, I mean, that’s, that’s fun!

Alisha: And you’d die of leeches at some point.

Lauren: Yeah.

Sarah: They die of leeches?

Melonie: You’re very sure of this!

Sarah: What, they, the leeches get, like, a kilt and a sword and come get you? Like –

Alisha: They die, they got leeches stuck on them and then they die. I’m –

Sarah: Oh, they put them on, that’s right.

Alisha: History was not my strong suit –

[Cross-talk]

Alisha: – but I remember this much.

Sarah: Leeches and bears.

Sonali: We just mix things.

Alisha: Yeah, leeches and bears.

Sarah: Leeches, bears, and tampons, the Alisha Rai story.

Alisha: Mm-hmm.

Sonali: Leather pants.

Alisha: We just wrote that, too.

Sarah: Good.

[Laughter]

Sarah: This is going to be, there’s going to be some really messed up books coming in the future. Everyone in publishing, I’m really sorry about that. Erica, I deeply apologize personally to you. There’s going to be some submissions in your –

Lauren: – leeches on your Bingo card. [Laughs]

Keri: There’s no leeches on my Bingo card!

Sarah: Did anyone have leeches on their Bingo card, ‘cause if they did I’m going to be really excited. I was not expecting to take a turn toward leeches.

Alisha: If I had made the Bingo card, there would have been leeches on it.

[Laughter]

Alisha: And bears.

Sarah: And bears. And spiders.

Alisha: Mm-hmm.

Sarah: And tampons and penicillin.

Alisha: Mm-hmm. And tampons, definitely tampons.

Sarah: Would You Rather…boy next door or, or new boy in town? It doesn’t have to be a boy! You can create whatever character you want, but next door or new in town? Which is like known you forever or just showed up! I’m getting the one eyebrow from Sonali, which means that I’m in deep trouble. What’d I do now?

Sonali: I met and married my husband in seven days. You can answer that question –

Sarah: So did he live next door to you?

Sonali: I met him for the first time in my life, and then I was married to him seven days after that.

Sarah: That worked out for you! So literally new boy, seven days later. All right, that works!

Alisha?

Alisha: I feel like if it was the boy next door I would have, like, acted on it if I really wanted it?

[Laughter]

Alisha: Knowing me?

Sarah: But you know, your, your crushes evolve! I mean, maybe he, maybe he needed to grow into being the dad on A Wrinkle in Time.

Alisha: May-, that’s, okay, all right. I just like new things. I’ll do the new one.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Melonie?

Melonie: Yeah, ditto. I think – [laughs] – I think, yeah, if there was the boy next door – I mean, I was, I think I was trying to kiss the boy next door when I was six, so.

Sarah: My girl!

Alisha: Hello!

Lauren: Melonie!

Audience member: Bingo!

Sarah: We got Bingo! For –

Melonie: For kissing the boy next door when you –

Sarah: Kissing!

Melonie: Six-year-old kissing, okay.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I love this. All right. Lauren?

Lauren: I am definitely boy next door. I think I’m way too like, stranger danger! for the new guy.

Sarah: Yeah?

[Laughter]

Lauren: I’m just, I heard no Bingos on that; that is a good one.

Sarah: Yeah.

Lauren: Yeah, no, I, I’m a sucker for the boy next door.

Melonie: Stranger danger!

Sarah: Yep. Helena?

Helena: I’m going to go with the boy next door, I think just because it’s romantic, and maybe he grew into the awkwardness.

Sarah: So –

Helena: Or into my awkwardness; I don’t know.

Sarah: So, Sonali, I don’t know if I ever told you this: I met my husband in high school when we were seventeen; we’ve been together since we were nineteen.

Helena: Aw!

Sarah: We’re going to be married twenty years next year? Now we’re forty-four, which is super nauseating; I’m really sorry. But I just want you to know that if you give me time and I can find it, he had a mullet!

[Laughter]

Sarah: It was an – and he’s got curly hair, so this was a mullet.

Lauren: That is epic!

Sarah: And it was like, I mean, I was growing up in Pittsburgh when there was, like, Mario Lemieux and Jaromir Jagr, and, like, we had some really epic, like, seriously steamy length mullets going on here. There’s a lot of mullet action in my high school, so yeah.

Melonie: Did you have the mall bangs?

Sarah: My hair is very straight, but what I did do was do the double-barreled so it was like a sideways butt?

[Laughter]

Sarah: And, and you remember when you put the, put the curling iron on your hair and then you hit it with the hairspray until it’s like sssssssss –

[Laughter]

Sarah: -and then someone comes upstairs running ‘cause it smells like something’s burning? Yeah, yeah, it was, it was the ‘80s, and then the, the curling iron had that irreversible scunge on it from all that hairspray being baked onto it? Yeah, I, I did that, which is one of the reasons why my hair is short now, ‘cause I’m not tempted to do that again? That was terrible.

So I’m very much like the boy next door with a mullet. Like, I’m –

Sonali: But, but I did, I did, this guy, I had known him six days, and he went to get a haircut, and this was in India, and they give you a really nice head massage, and he was jetlagged, and he fell asleep, and –

[Laughter]

Sonali: – just so my husband – I’ve been married to him twenty-three years – he fell asleep. He calls me and says, are you sure you want, how sure are you that you want to marry me?

Sarah: [Gasps]

Sonali: And I said, what did you do with the haircut? He basically was near bald.

Sarah: Oh no!

Audience: Oh!

Sonali: And my, my best friend walks in and says, how old is the guy you’re marrying?

Sarah: [Gasps]

Sonali: And I was talking to my sister-in-law, and I said – [laughs] – meet my sister-in-law! So we had, it was interesting, but this man was completely bald when I married him.

Sarah: ‘Cause he fell asleep in the chair and they just cut his hair while he was sleeping?

Sonali: Yes. Yes!

Audience: Ohhh!

Melonie: It was, it was a say-when situation, and he didn’t.

Sonali: I guess!

[Laughter]

Sarah: I feel, like, trauma on your behalf. Oh my gosh! Holy cow!

Sonali: It was a relaxing massage.

Sarah: And so much that you don’t – I mean, I notice when people are cutting my hair. How did you miss that it was – wow!

Sonali: [Laughs] Right?

Sarah: Zzzzz – he’s fine! – zzzzz.

[Laughter]

Sarah: All right, so this is our last question, and this is a really hard one. It’s real, real hard. In fact, the original draft – actually, I’ll read, I’ll read Marissa’s original draft, ‘cause the original draft is way good. Are you ready?

This is – tall, dark, and handsome or Thor –

[Laughter]

Sarah: – or bonus option: Valkyrie.

Everybody: Ooh!

Sarah: The whole room is like, I’m sorry, this is an unacceptable choice.

Sonali: Is it the Thor in the last Avengers movie? That Thor? Like, the one with the –

Sarah: Whichever Thor you want!

[Laughter]

Lauren: He’s a Hemsworth. He’s a Hemsworth.

Alisha: Whatever, whatever you want him to be.

Sarah: Thor, the one who looks like Thor Lebowski?

[Laughter]

Sarah: Whatever Thor you want! And Valkyrie. And tall, dark, and handsome.

Alisha: Wait, is that the question?

Sarah: Tall, dark, and handsome or Thor or Valkyrie?

Alisha: Oh God.

Sonali: So it’s between Idris and Thor?

Alisha: And Valkyrie!

Sarah: If that’s the torture you want to inflict on yourself – I mean, I can’t make that choice.

Audience member: [Indistinct question about Heimdall and Thor]

[Laughter, cross-talk]

Sarah: Heimdall versus Thor is really – wow, you, yeah.

Alisha: Oh my God, Heimdall versus Thor.

Sarah: I’m going with Valkyrie, ‘cause that’s too tough. I can’t do it.

Alisha: Oh, okay.

Sarah: Oh, see, everyone here is like, what do I do? Helena?

Alisha: We’re buzzing amongst ourselves.

Lauren: Tall, dark, and handsome, absolutely.

Sarah: You’re all hal tark, you’re tall, dark, and handsome.

Lauren: Yeah. I will say – I’m going to get, like, kicked out – I don’t really get the Thor thing!

Sonali: I don’t –

[Cross-talk]

Helena: Wait a minute, you, Chris Hemsworth, yeah?

Lauren: I know, I know! I mean –

Helena: I’ll take him!

Lauren: – I like him.

Helena: You don’t want him? I, I love –

Sarah: She’s got dibs, everyone!

Helena: He can be mine forever.

[Laughter]

Helena: Do all my laundry.

Sarah: He, he makes cakes.

Melonie: But the brother is tall, dark, and handsome, yeah? The Hemsworth brother?

Sarah: One of them is.

Helena: Yeah, Liam, Liam is, yeah.

Melonie: I’ll take him.

Sarah: Doesn’t he come with Miley Cyrus now?

Helena: Well, which is –

Melonie: It’s fine! We can share!

Helena: Give her a cage.

Melonie: I think she’d be into it.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Probably right! I’m still going with Valkyrie. I’m still with Valkyrie. Alisha?

Alisha: Mm. The more I think about it, like, it’s kind of a no-brainer: I’d do Valkyrie.

Sarah: I’m with you!

Alisha: Because we would get –

Sarah: We’ll fight it out.

Alisha: – we would get so much stuff done. Oh my God.

[Laughter]

Sarah: She’s got a winged horse. I mean, come on.

Alisha: She is the most efficient person, I bet. Like – and as I grow older, that’s very sexy to me.

Sarah: Oh, it’s super sexy!

Alisha: Yeah. Like, we would get a lot of things done. She’d be very funny. I would, like, she would probably take care of the bears for me.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Winged horse –

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: – would take care of the bears for you too.

Alisha: And she can, like, you know, she knows how to, like, handle it. Ah, she’d just be so useful. I’d love her, yeah. Useful, cool, wonderful. I love her, Valkyrie. All the way.

Sarah: I’m with you all – yeah, absolutely.

Alisha: All the way. You can have all the others.

Sarah: So, Sonali?

Sonali: You know, honestly, Chris Hemsworth is – I mean, I understand the technicality of his beauty?

[Laughter]

Sonali: Like, I understand that it’s all kind of in the right place, and it’s all, and he’s, he’s funny, and it, it just doesn’t do anything for me?

Helena: I’ll, I’ll take him; it’s fine.

Sonali: Yeah.

[Laughter]

Sonali: So, and with – yeah.

Helena: I will love him forever!

Sonali: I mean, Idris every time!

Sarah: Nobody – no, you got dibs, Helena; he’s all yours!

Helena: I know! I’m so excited!

Helena: His, his wife doesn’t know what’s happening.

Lauren: I wish it was real!

Sarah: All right, you guys, Marissa has a bonus question, and we have a Bingo up front, Natalie. So –

Sonali: But, but did we say anything about his hammer? That would be okay.

Melonie: Sonali.

Marissa: This is highly contested in our office, so I want you guys to rank the Chrises. So Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Pine.

Alisha: Wait, Hemsworth, Pine, what are the choices?

Lauren: And Pratt.

Marissa: Chris Pratt.

Melonie: Pratt lost a lot of credit –

Sonali: And do we need to –

Marissa: And Chris Evans.

Helena: Chris, Chris Pratt needs to be –

[Cross-talk]

Sarah: He’s disqualified –

Lauren: Yeah, Chris Pratt, I know.

Marissa: Okay, so Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pine. Make the right choice.

Melonie: Chris, Chris Evans is Captain America, right?

Guest: Yes.

Sarah: So Pine, Hemsworth, and Evans; you have to rank them in order.

Alisha: Shhh! Okay, Pine, Evans –

Sonali: Can I go?

Sarah: Huh?

Melonie: Is it the one where he’s got the, the tree stump and he’s like – [ripping sound effect]?

[Cross-talk]

Sarah: So you’re, so, wait, Melonie, you are ranking Evans first.

Helena: Oh, okay.

Sarah: Who’s second?

Melonie: Oh no, I was just picturing it in my head.

Sarah: Oh!

[Laughter]

Sarah: I’m very sorry.

Melonie: I need to figure out, like, which one is, you know –

Sonali: It’s, it’s –

Sarah: Chris ranking is hard, man.

Sonali: No, it’s not!

Alisha: She’s looking at the GIFs right now and figuring out what her thing is, yeah.

Melonie: In my, in my mind, yes!

Sonali: It is not hard! It’s Chris Pine, Chris Pine, Chris Pine!

[Laughter]

Sonali: It’s not hard!

Sarah: You have support from your constituents on this issue.

Alisha: I would do, I would do my Captain first, Evans first.

[Cheers]

Alisha: Always.

Sarah: You guys know he’s a Red Sox fan, right?

[Cheers]

Sarah: Hi, guys! [Laughs]

Alisha: I went to college in Boston. I’m fine with that; I’m very used to that.

Sarah: Okay. I’m, I’m, I’m from Pittsburgh; I don’t care. So – [laughs].

Alisha: My, my best friend actually is from Boston, and in her bathroom she has a collage dedicated to the Red Sox, framed, that she made herself. It’s amazing. So I’m, I’m used to this, and so, yeah, my Captain first.

Melonie: Evans is one.

Alisha: Evans is one. It would have to be like, like, like, Daddy Pine, like, right now. Like –

Melonie: [Laughs] With the beard?

Alisha: Like, with the graying beard?

Sarah: Bearded, bearded Pine?

Alisha: Yeah, Beardy Pine.

Sarah: [Laughs] Beardy Pine!

Alisha: Not, like, not, like, old, not, like, young Pine, ‘cause he’s getting better. And then Hemsworth last.

Sonali: What about his eyebrows? Are you, are you discriminating against his eyebrows in The Princess Diaries? Is that what this is?

Alisha: I, oh, he did, he did have good eyebrows there, but yeah –

Sarah: We’ve got some deep-cut Pine defining here.

Alisha: He was just like, he, like, grew nicely. Like, he, he, like –

Sarah: Oh!

Alisha: You know, like, the, you know –

Sonali: [Laughs] He does grow nicely!

Sarah: He’s like Hiccup on How to Train Your Dragon! Like, what happened?!

[Laughter]

Melonie: Everything is a euphemism for Sonali.

Sarah: Yeah. Melonie?

Melonie: So, honestly, I wouldn’t, going to go Hemsworth first, because, one, I am a sucker for a good accent –

Alisha: Mm.

Melonie: – and it’s actually, you see all these photos, this is, you see him with his kids, and it’s like –

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Melonie: – it’s pretty sexy, like, when he’s like, he’s such a good dad, so that’s –

Sarah: Yeah, I hear you. So now who’s two?

Melonie: So Hemsworth, Hemsworth one; Evans two, because of the – [ripping sound effect] –

[Laughter]

Sarah: I’m sorry, the what now?

Melonie: With, with the, the, the –

Lauren: The tree trunk.

Melonie: – the tree trunk, and he’s got those, the arm porn, and the – [laughs]

Alisha: Ohhh!

Lauren: Yeah.

Melonie: And then Pine, three, so Sonali can have him.

Alisha: Yeah.

[Laughter]

Lauren: I am really, really into Chris Evans, like a lot? So I’m getting a little jealous; I’m like, how dare you? But also Chris Pine. I am going to disagree: Chris Pine, no beard.

Sonali: Oh no.

Lauren: As I see, I feel like I have to defend no beard.

Several people: Oh no.

Lauren: I really like, I like the Captain Kirk – this is getting weird – the Star Trek. Like, I love him in Star Trek when he’s all, like, clean-cut, yeah.

Sonali: Yeah!

Sarah: Oh yeah.

Lauren: Yeah, yeah, I like captains, apparently.

Sarah: It’s a different captain.

Lauren: I like the captains, and then –

Sarah: You’ve got a different captain going here.

Lauren: – Chris Hemsworth, whatever.

Sonali: He’s the captain –

Lauren: I’m just not into – you can have him. You can have him. He’s just –

Sarah: So Helena’s like, do I fight her, or do I just be happy? What do I do now?

[Laughter]

Melonie: More for you!

Lauren: A little more for you.

Sarah: It is more.

Alisha: Yeah.

Sarah: Helena? What’s your call?

Helena: Well, I’m, I’m going to put Chris Evans above Chris Hemsworth. It’s the, oh, that – that, yeah.

Marissa: I’m sorry, really quick, why did we disqualify Pratt?

Lauren: ‘Cause he’s a jerk.

Melonie: He is a jerk.

Marissa: Oh, okay. I didn’t know. Okay, okay.

Melonie: He’s cancelled.

Helena: He’s got, yeah, he lost all of his points for being not –

Melonie: Yeah, canceled.

Helena: Yeah.

Lauren: He’s out of the pantheon of Chrises.

Marissa: I’ve got to go Google this later.

Lauren: Yeah, he’s out of the running.

Helena: Yeah, he’s not. He –

Alisha: He’s not a Chris at heart.

Helena: No, no.

[Laughter]

Helena: And Hemsworth is second, and Pine is third, ‘cause I actually don’t know what he looks like.

Sarah: Has there been –

[Laughter]

Melonie: I think Sonali can show you.

Sarah: So, has there been any consensus in your office? Does this help at all? No?

Marissa: No.

[Indistinct comment]

Sarah: You don’t need to fight. There’s plenty of Chriseseses.

Melonie: – Chrises to go around.

[Laughter]

Sarah: So this is, this is a tough question. All of these Chriseses.

Lauren: Mm-hmm, yeah.

Sarah: All right. Chriseseseses. All right, so aside from chrysanthemums, how ‘bout we sign some books, y’all? All right! Can I get a round of applause for our amazing –

[Cheers, applause]

Sarah: Did you guys have fun? Do you have, you have Chris debates now. All right.

[music]

Sarah: And that is the end of this episode. I hope you enjoyed our live event! If you ever want to see if I’ve got other live events that I’m emceeing, smartbitchestrashybooks.com/events. You can find out more, and I always put them on the site as well, but I love doing live events, especially with panels that are that fun and funny and entertaining.

I will have links in the show notes at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast where you can find Helena Hunting, Lauren Layne, Melonie Johnson, Alisha Rai, and Sonali Dev. I will have links to their websites, their social media, and, of course, we talked about their upcoming books, so I’ll have links to those too!

This week’s podcast sponsor is the Muffia series, written by Ann Royal Nicholas. If you liked Sex in the City and The Jane Austen Book Club or if you’re a member of a book club yourself, you will love this contemporary women’s fiction series set in Los Angeles, where only one of the nine members of this zany book club is in show business. The Muffia, More Muffia, and Muff Stuff are each narrated by a different member of the Muffia book club. In book one, The Muffia, Madelyn is having a fling with an Israeli spy and trying to get her life back on track. In book two, More Muffia, talent agent Quinn is getting sabotaged at work while trying to break free of her married boyfriend. And in book three, Muff Stuff, Sarah is in the midst of a bad breakup and dogs are going missing, all while she tries to build a baking empire. In each of the stories there’s a light mystery element and a couple of book club meetings where invariably one of the Muffs reveals a calamity that needs everyone’s help. The Muffia is a series about the enduring power of friendship and the love of books, and because each book is told from a different character’s point of view there’s something for everyone. The Muffia series is on sale now. You can find out more at annroyalnicholas.com.

Today’s podcast transcript and every podcast transcript is hand-compiled by garlicknitter. Thank you, garlicknitter! [You’re welcome! – gk] This week’s transcript is brought to you by Last Chance Rodeo by Kari Lynn Dell. In this novel, Dell invites readers into the heart of her home country, Montana’s Blackfeet Nation, and the challenges faced by a teenaged boy with fetal alcohol syndrome who is determined to live his best life with the staunch support of his makeshift family, plus a whole lot of hope, humor, and one very opinionated horse. One thoughtless moment cost David Parsons everything: an irreplaceable horse named Muddy, his rodeo career, and his fiancée. After four long years he’s finally tracked the missing horse to the Blackfeet Reservation, and it should be the happiest day of his life. But the troubled young boy who’s riding Muddy now has had more than his fair share of hard knocks, and his fierce guardian Mary Steele will do whatever it takes to make sure losing this horse isn’t the blow that levels him. David finds himself drawn to them both and is faced with a soul-wrenching dilemma: take Muddy and his shot at rodeo glory…or claim what could be his last chance to make his shattered heart whole. Author Kari Lynn Dell is a Blackfeet descendant who lives with her family on the reservation and brings a lifetime of rodeo experience to this touching family drama. Last Chance Rodeo is available now wherever books are sold, and you can find out more at karilynndell.com.

If you are a member of our podcast Patreon, thank you! And if you are curious about our podcast Patreon and would like to find out more: SmartBitches, patreon.com/SmartBitches. Monthly pledges start at one dollar a month, and every pledge makes a deeply appreciated difference in keeping the show going and making every episode accessible to everyone, so thank you, thank you, thank you to our Patreon community.

The music you are listening to is from the Hanuman Collective. This album is Pedalhorse, and this track is called “Percolator.” I really like this album. You can find out more at Amazon or at iTunes.

And coming up on Smart Bitches this week: this weekend, Amanda is going to take you on a tour of her Etsy wishlist, and we’re going to post some bonus Help a Bitch Out posts, because you love them and we love them, and they’re fun, so here come more of them. Plus, they’re like puzzles we solve every week. We also have a special post about brand-new toys for your intimate enjoyment. We have reviews of some series, beginning of a series that is many books long, so if you’re looking to deep-dive into a series, we might be able to help get you started. We have reviews of new books, we have a knitting column, and we have Help a Bitch Out and Books on Sale every day. I hope you will hang out with us at one point or another this week. It’s always lovely to have you!

I will have links to the books we talked about, and I will have links to any upcoming events that you might be interested in.

But now it’s time for a terrible, terrible joke. I apologize in advance for how bad this joke is. I’m having way too much fun with this, and I also love getting them from you, so if you want to, like, send me great bad jokes, that’s super great.

So what is blue and not very heavy?

Give up? What is blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

[Laughs] That’s like the cousin to my other favorite terrible joke, which I told many people: what’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. [Laughs more] What’s blue and not very heavy? Light blue! That is from /IsaacB1 on Reddit. Thank you; I appreciate that so much!

And on behalf of everyone here and everyone who worked so hard to make the Strand event happen, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a wonderful weekend, and we will see you back here next week.

[mellow music]