228. Bitches Assemble: Looking Ahead to 2017 – With a Quiz!

[music]

Sarah Wendell:  Hello, and Happy 2017, and welcome to episode number 228 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books.  I’m Sarah Wendell from Smart Bitches, Trashy Books, and with me today are all of the Bitches!  Me, Amanda, Elyse, Carrie, Redheadedgirl are all together to look back at a few personal highlights of 2016 and then a look ahead to 2017 through a quiz.  You might have remembered that I mentioned the quiz in the last episode; now you get to enjoy Wholesome Earls and Sweet Clean Bears.  It’s as bizarre as it sounds when I say it in that order.  We talk about a lot of books, many of them sweet, clean, or featuring bears, and as always, all of the books and links to where you can buy them will be available at smartbitchestrashybooks.com/podcast.

This podcast and all of the episodes this month are being sponsored by Kensington, and they would like you to know that New York Times bestselling author Alexandra Ivy’s new romantic suspense series is back.  Five brave military heroes have survived the hell of a Taliban prison to return home and take on civilian missions that no one else can.  They are the men of Ares Security, highly skilled, intimidating, invincible, and one by one, tested again and again.  When Lucas St. Clair discovers a dead man clutching a picture of his ex-girlfriend, the one who got away, bearing a threatening message, his fiercest protective instincts kick in, and he knows he must go to her and Kill Without Shame.  Don’t miss the series Publishers Weekly calls an appealing mix of emotional warmth and erotic heat.  Kill Without Shame by Alexandra Ivy is now available on kensingtonbooks.com or wherever books are sold, and you can connect with Alexandra at alexandraivy.com.

If you are looking for links to the books that we mention in the podcast at iBooks, you can go to our iTunes page at iTunes.com/DBSA.

And if you are thinking, gee, my new year’s a little bit more awesome because I’m listening to this podcast, thank you!  Thank you for listening!  You are the best, and if you would like, you can have a look at our Patreon campaign:  patreon.com/SmartBitches.  Your monthly pledges, starting with as little as one dollar a month, help keep the show going, keep it at its current level of semi-professional awesomeness with dogs barking or cats meowing, or sometimes if we’re really lucky we get both, and one of the pledge rewards is a completely heartfelt and unique compliment, and I have three to give out today.  I’m super excited about it!  So:

For Pamala K.:  Your superpower is outstanding influence – you motivate everyone and everything around you to be absolutely terrific, like you are!

To Leanna H., or excuse me, Leanne, Leanne H.:  You are a wonderful listener, and you make people around you feel safe, valuable, and appreciated.  They also told me they’re kinda craving more of that recipe thing that you make so well, so maybe more of that would be awesome?

And to Elizabeth P.:  So many people admire your confidence, your warmth, and the fact that when you do something, invariably it is excellent, appreciated, and perfect.  Keep being you!

Now if you’re thinking, this is really goofy, and I want to be a part of it, excellent!  Have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches.  Your support and your presence here listening are so very, very appreciated!

The music you’re listening to is provided by Sassy Outwater.  I will have information at the end of the podcast as to who this is and how you can find this music for your very own.

And now, without any further delay, on with the podcast!

[music]

Sarah:  Before I move into the quiz, do you have any one thing that was good for you for 2016 that you want to remember positively, ‘cause this was a rough year for a lot of people.  Do you have any one good thing that you want to hold onto from this year?

Redheadedgirl:  Amanda and I went to Sweden.

Amanda:  We did!  It was fun!

RHG:  It was great!

Amanda:  My first international trip!

Sarah:  Get your passport, get it allll beat up.

RHG:  Yep.  We saw lots of things, and we ate lots of food.

Sarah:  Mmm, Sweden.

RHG:  Yep.  The coffee cups are pathetically small.  Remember that.

Sarah:  I, I was in France and Germany, had the same experience.  Like, what is this tiny little thing?

RHG:  Right.

Sarah:  Although –

RHG:  Right, I think, our last full morning there I popped into the bakery that was down in the square from our Airbnb, and I was like, I would like two cups of coffee and two cinnamon rolls for me and my…friend.

Sarah:  [Laughs]

RHG:  Definitely not going to be out in the square double-fisting it.

Sarah:  No.

RHG:  That is definitely not going to be –

Sarah:  No.

RHG:  – happening.  [Whispers] It happened.  [Laughs]

Elyse:  I, well, a couple of good things happened.  My mom had really terrible, scary surgery which was terrible and scary and very stressful at the time, BUT it was also surgery that Carrie is familiar with, so she was an awesome support to both me and my mom, and it went really well, and I feel like I got my mom back.  Like, she got her mobility back; she got her life back.  It was pretty phenomenal in the end; it was just shitty getting there.  And then on a less, like, serious note, I discovered all kinds of book subscription boxes that are killing my monthly budget, but I don’t care.

[Laughter]

Elyse:  And Dewey stole a cock ring.

Sarah:  That was really a highlight of the year for everyone who reads the site.

Amanda:  He deserved that.

Elyse:  He does.

RHG:  He did.

Elyse:  He did.

Sarah:  My –

Elyse:  My husband’s working theory, right, he loves milk rings, is, like, this was the ultimate milk ring.

Sarah:  Oh, milk rings are the best free cat toy in the history of the world!

Elyse:  You’ve got to roll them down stairs.

Sarah:  Oh, yeah!

Elyse:  That’s the best.

Sarah:  Or if you have hardwood floors, they make that great scratching noise, and all, all, all bets are off.  If the scratching noise happens?

RHG:  Mm-hmm.

Sarah:  Oh, all hands on deck!  It’s time to kill the milk ring.

Elyse:  Animals running on linoleum or hardwood flooring is the best thing ever.

Sarah:  Oh, yes, especially when it’s the dog chasing the cat, and they both slide?

Elyse:  Mm-hmm.

Sarah:  Then if you hear, like, the, you know, the scene in The Breakfast Club when they’re running in the hall and they have no traction?  It’s like that for ten minutes; it’s great.  [Laughs] All right, Amanda?  Other than Sweden?

Amanda:  Other than Sweden.  I think I, I, I wouldn’t say conquered, but I dealt with a lot of fears and insecurities, some minor, some major.  I went to a nude beach for the first time –

Elyse or RHG and Sarah:  Woo-hoo!

Amanda:  – and partook, and it was lots of fun, and I went on antidepressants again, and I went to therapy again, so it was part of trying to –

Sarah:  You feeling better?

Amanda:  I’m feeling much better than I was at the start of this year, but it was one of those things where, you know, I went through that when I was nineteen, and you beat yourself up a little bit, ‘cause you’re like, I thought I was past this!  And then having to revisit it, you kind of like, feel a little bit like a failure.  But you get over it, and I’m doing much better, and I’m happy to be on it.  I got a piercing, which was something that I wanted to get for a long time.  I will never get another one, because it hurt really badly.

[Laughter]

Amanda:  I would get another tattoo again before I pierced anything else.  And then I’m, I would say my current relationship is pretty great.  Like, with my mental health stuff this year, like, it’s always one of those things where you worry about finding someone who will accept you after the honeymoon phase is over and they start to see your less-than-savory sides and, you know, your depression and stuff like that, but Sailor Eric has been a huge help and has been really great, and I’m surprised it’ll be, like, a year in January –

Sarah:  Yay!

Amanda:  – so time flies.  So 2016, overall, has had some really good high stuff for me on a personal level, I would say.

Sarah:  That’s excellent.  Way to go!

Amanda:  Yeah!  Thank you!

Sarah:  Carrie, what about you?

Carrie:  So actually, personally speaking, my year was pretty good.  You know, we, we did this massive summer thing where my husband and my daughter rode their bikes from the border of Oregon and California to the border of California and Mexico –

Sarah:  As you do.

Carrie:  – and I, I – as you do – and I drove the backup car, and it was, like, really good for us for, as a family.  You know, I got so much respect for my daughter who’s entering the teen years, and I feel like it was just such a great way for her to segue from, you know, twelve to thirteen and to have that support from her dad.  Like, well, you know, of course you can ride your bike for eighteen hundred miles-ish.  Why wouldn’t you?  And, and we had a really great time.  In San Diego, I moderated a panel at Comic-Con.  That was my first time at Comic-Con.  I mean, it was, like, a really big year of growth in a way for our family, and then some of the stuff that was sucky I’m hoping will also be good.  I had a lot of health stuff, and a lot of it involved trying to take some control over my health, which in some ways makes things more stressful and worse, and –

Sarah:  Yep.

RHG:  Mm-hmm.

Carrie:  – trying different, I tried a different medication, and I’m going in for a whole bunch of tests in the next couple of months, and I got diagnoses that were hard emotionally to deal with and drama, drama, drama, but I’m, I’m – so that didn’t always feel positive, but it felt like it was kind of on a positive path –

Sarah:  Mm-hmm.

Carrie:  – and, you know, that, maybe that will help me kind of get a grip on what I need to do for, to kind of maintain my situation.  And I also went back to therapy.  I can’t remember if I went back this year or last year; I think I went back last year.  And I don’t go in every week; I kind of drop in and out, but that’s been really, really helpful, especially in trying to understand kind of how to think about the health issue as I go into middle age.  I’m in my forties now, so it’s not like I’m going to magically spring into the grace of youth, and you know, I mean, that’s definitely in progress, but I think it’s useful.  So, yeah, like, personally, when I look at this year I’m like, this year was awesome!  But, you know, the personal is political also, so it’s, it was not awesome at all, you know.  It kind of depends on how you look at it.

Sarah:  True!  I remember when I was reading baby books I was, I remember one thing that stuck with me was, every day, new baby.  The thing that worked yesterday is not going to work today, and the thing that worked last week is not going to work now.

Carrie:  Yeah.

Sarah:  I also remember reading that every ten to fifteen years, and I don’t know if this is true, ‘cause I can’t remember my source to cite it, women’s bodies change chemically, drastically, every ten to fifteen years, and that makes sense if you think about it.  You move into having your first period, and then you move into fertility, and then you move out of fertility, and there’re all these changes that happen, so I tend to think that for me that’s true, so now I start to think of myself, okay, every year, new body, new chemistry, got to learn how to get along with it, and it’s so exhausting!

Elyse:  It is.  This was the year of Elyse’s fifty-six-day period –

Sarah:  Woo-hoo!

RHG:  Mm-hmm.

Carrie:  Yuck

Elyse:  – and, and I seriously now –

Sarah:  Are you sure you’re not a vampire?

Elyse:  Pretty sure.

RHG:  No.

Elyse:  And it’s the wrong way, Sarah.

Sarah:  Oh, right, right, right, right, right, sorry!

Elyse:  In retrospect, I wish that I had just, like, protest bled in Mike Pence’s chair for fifty-six days.

Amanda:  [Laughs]

Sarah:  So my good things are that, as Amanda has been tracking the stats for the site, just about every month our traffic increases.

Amanda:  Yay!

Sarah:  Every month over this time last year, over the previous month.  The only exceptions are when in a previous year we had, like, a massive surge of traffic due to a particular kerfuffle?  Otherwise, every month our traffic increases, and more people find us, and more people are reaching out to ask for recommendations, and I think that in 2017 there’s going to be more people looking for books that give them joy or peace or comfort or reassurance or, you know, hiney-tingling nightmares if that’s your jam; that’s cool too!  But the fact that all of you are on the site is just the best thing, so thank you for being part of Smart Bitches.  It’s really, really awesome to have you.

Everyone else:  Awww!

Elyse:  Can, can we make My Hiney Tingles a tag now on the site?

[Laughter]

Sarah:  We can make whatever tags we want!  That’s why I don’t go in there!

RHG:  Well, and if you look at my tags, anything can be a tag.

Sarah:  It’s true.

RHG:  Including, but not limited to, Sarah Let Me Loose In The Tags.

Sarah:  That’s, that’s a very frequent tag, actually.

RHG:  Yes!  [Laughs]

Sarah:  Personally speaking, it’s horrible to watch the year go so badly for so many people when for our family, personally speaking, it’s actually been a very good year.  Adam started a new job – Adam’s my husband, if you’re not aware – he started a new job in January, and it, and he’s told me multiple times it’s like he’s figured out what he wants to do for the rest of his life.  He is really, really happy, and we really like where we live.  For my, like, individual personal self?  I got to go to Peel on the Isle of Man for three days between a trip with Adam and then a visit to the Romance Novelists’ Association conference in Lancaster in the UK, so I had three days, and I decided to go to the Isle of Man, and I loved Peel so much.  Not only was there a medieval castle that, like, dive bombed every photo I tried to take – like, whoop!  Castle – I loved being there to the point where I still have the webcams for the breakwater and the marina in Peel, and I look at them every other day just to see what, what it looks like there, and because they’re so – I, I always take for granted how much farther north most of Europe is, especially, you know, England, Scotland, Wales, and – Wales, excuse me – the Isle of Man and, and Ireland.  The farther up you get, the less daylight you have right now, so it gets dark at, like, four o’clock?

RHG:  Mm-hmm.

Sarah:  And that is just fascinating to me, so personally I feel like I found this place that I love being at and I love looking at and I think about all the time, and that just makes me really, really happy.  But then I happen to really love traveling.

RHG:  For my birthday next year I’m planning to go to the UK and my current –

Sarah:  Poldark Cornwall?

RHG:  No.

Sarah:  Ah.

RHG:  No, the current iteration of the plan, ‘cause the, the original iteration of the plan was couple days in London, couple days in Cornwall, maybe a day or two in Wales, York, and then Edinburgh, and then I was just like, oh, my God, that sounds exhausting, because that’s, like, five days –

Sarah:  Oh, that’s a lot.

RHG:  – that are taken up just by train travel?

Sarah:  Yeah, that’s, that’s not good.

RHG:  So –

Sarah:  Unless you really like train travel.

RHG:  And I do like train travel, but, like, in order to make that really kind of worth it I’d need to take, like, three weeks, and –

Sarah:  Yeah.

RHG:  – I don’t see that happening.  So the current iteration is fly in to London, spend a couple days there, take the train to York, spend a couple of days there, and spend about a week or so in Scotland hanging out with Kayleigh, and Alina’ll come too, so we’ll all be together –

Sarah:  Aw!

RHG:  – for the first time ever.

Sarah:  That’s so cool!

RHG:  Right!  And this would be an international trip where, where it literally is pretty much by myself, and that’s the first time that’s happened.

Sarah:  Oh, you are going to rock that trip.  It’s going to be awesome.

RHG:  Yeah.  [Laughs] My mom’s like, I never worry about you traveling alone, because people are scared of your face.

[Laughter]

RHG:  And she’s right.  [Laughs]

Elyse:  Mom!

RHG:  You always find things to do, and also people are scared of you.

Elyse:  I feel like in a lot of ways 2016 sucked, but in, in other ways it made me grateful even for, like, the small things that I had been ignoring before.

Sarah:  Yes.

Elyse:  And last night I was sitting on the couch, and I’m all cuddled up under a blanket reading, and my husband’s sitting next to me playing 7 Days to Die, which is a zombie video game he is obsessed with, and the cat’s, like, all snuggled up between us, and I just felt like, this is perfect.  This is, this is just, like, a perfect moment, and I don’t know that I ever, I would have really reflected on that a year ago.

Sarah:  Yeah, my, my cycle in and out of anxiety since the election has been, oh, my gosh, there’s a lot of horrible things.  Oh, this is really bad.  I can make a list that’s ninety miles long of all the terrible things that could happen, and then I remind myself, you are in control of right now, and this moment, at this very second, this is what you’re in control of, so your job is to make sure that right now you are happy and you are safe and that the people who you take care of are happy and safe, and maybe the house could smell good ‘cause you’re baking something?  That’s also good?  But –

RHG:  Mm.

Sarah:  – this is, there’re a lot of things I’m not in control of.  I feel prom-, profoundly grateful and thankful for the good things and the happy things that I am in control of or that I experience.  I’ve had the, I’ve had the exact same realization as you have.  Okay.

RHG:  I’m managing my anxiety by getting books on canning and preserving food.  [Laughs]

Elyse:  Also, Rich said that you should come over and bake things for us.

RHG:  I know he said that.

Elyse:  – put you up.  I know.

RHG:  Yeah, are you going to pay for plane ticket, ‘cause I do have some time.

Elyse:  Ah, well, I’ll let him, I’ll let him know.  He’s a working man.

[Laughter]

Carrie:  I’m, I’m just picturing, like, dinner at Elyse’s house if Rich made his lasagna and, and Redheadedgirl made the desserts.  Like, I’d, yeah.

Elyse or Sarah:  I think if that happens –

RHG:  There would be, like, this huge argument where he’s like, this is how I make lasagna, and I’d be like, I don’t think that’s a good way to make lasagna.  That’s an incorrect way.

Sarah:  Only if you tape it.  If that, if this happens, it needs to be recorded –

RHG:  Yeah.  [Laughs]

Sarah:  – ‘cause that’ll be fucking hysterical.

Elyse:  Well, knowing both my husband and Redheadedgirl, Redheadedgirl would win that argument, so.

Sarah:  Hmm.  I’d still want to hear the audio.

Elyse:  Oh, it would be glorious.

Sarah:  [Laughs]

RHG:  Yep.

Carrie:  If, if you come to my house and nitpick lasagna, you don’t get any lasagna.

Sarah:  That’s harsh!

Sarah:  I, I’m having trouble with the idea that you would actually be that harsh, but then, you know, you have a thirteen-year-old, twelve-year-old?

Carrie:  I’d respond to critiques of lasagna by saying, well, you’re probably right.  Why don’t you make the lasagna, and I will –

RHG:  At which point, I will.  [Laughs]

Sarah:  That’s kind of the goal there.

Carrie:  Which, again, I, then I don’t have to make lasagna.

Sarah:  That was the goal.

Carrie:  So it’s sort of like an epic win.

RHG:  Yeah, I don’t know if you noticed, but I kind of like cooking.

Sarah:  Ohhh, no.

RHG:  A little.  Just a little.

Carrie:  No, really?

RHG:  Just a little.

Sarah:  All right.  Are you guys ready for the quiz of 2016?

RHG:  Never.

Carrie:  I forgot about the quiz.  Okay, yeah.

Sarah:  So, I have rounded up several trends and concepts from the past year and formulated them into a quiz.  Amanda, I do need to ask your help, though, keeping score.  Would you be able to help me with that?

Amanda:  Okay.  Yes.

Sarah:  Okay.  So this quiz is Wholesome Earls and Sweet Clean Bears, all based on the trends of the past year, maybe a little bit more.  So, who is going first?

Amanda:  I’ll go first.

RHG:  Carrie is, because her – or maybe – no, Amanda is, ‘cause her name comes first alphabetically.

Sarah:  All right, so we’re going to go –

Amanda:  Okay.

Sarah:  – Amanda, Carrie, Elyse, Redheadedgirl?

RHG:  Yeah.

Sarah:  All right, here we go.  Amanda.

Amanda:  Yeah.

Sarah:  Which of the following is NOT a real romance?

1. Waiting for an Earl Like You
2. Good Earls Don’t Lie
3. Don’t Take the Earl
4. The Earl Finds Love

Or e. The Earl Next Door

So we have Waiting for an Earl Like You, Good Earls Don’t Lie, Don’t Take the Earl, The Earl Finds Love, and The Earl Next Door.  One of those is not a real book.

Amanda:  I’m torn between, what was the third one?

Sarah:  Don’t Take the Earl.

Amanda:  I’m torn between the first and the third one.

Sarah:  [Laughs] Waiting for an Earl Like You versus Don’t Take the Earl?

Amanda:  Yeah.  Yeah.  I – this is –

Sarah:  [Sings] For an earl like you.

Amanda:  So this is which one isn’t real, right?

Sarah:  Yes.  Four of these books are real –

Amanda:  Okay.

Sarah:  – and one of them is not.

Amanda:  I’m going to go, the first one.

Sarah:  I am unfortunately sad to say –

Amanda:  Damn it!

Sarah:  – that is by Alexandra Hawkins.

RHG:  Of course it is.

Sarah:  Good Earls Don’t Like is by Michelle Willingham.  The Earl Finds Love–

RHG:  Mm-hmm.

Sarah:  – is Nina Milne.  The Earl Next Door is, I believe it’s Charis [Chair-iss] Michaels or maybe [Share-iss] Michaels – if I’m mispronouncing your name, ma’am, I apologize.  The fake one was (c) Don’t Take the Earl.

Amanda:  So I was correct in my hunch.  I just chose the wrong one.

RHG:  You just – [laughs]

Sarah:  Almost there.

RHG:  You know what trend I would really like to go away?

Sarah:  Yeah, I’m with you.

RHG:  The incredibly twee titles.

Sarah:  Yes, thank you.

Amanda:  They’re so hard to tweet.  Like, if I feature them on sale?  Like, God damn it.

[Laughter]

Amanda:  How am I going to fit some kind of description in the hundred and forty characters?  It’s so difficult.

Sarah:  Waiting for an Earl Like You.  I’m with you there.  I’m really over the, the twee.  Especially the twee song title cover –

RHG:  Yep!

Sarah:  – of the song title titles?  That’s, I’m totally over.  Don’t Take the Earl, by the way, I was really pleased I came up with that, and I fully expect that to be a book next year.

RHG:  Oh, well.

Elyse:  My favorite is, This Earl Is on Fire.

[Laughter]

RHG:  Is he, though?  Is he?  Is it false advertising?

Sarah:  If it burns when he pees, that’s a problem.  [Laughs] Okay.  Carrie?

Carrie:  Yeah.

Sarah:  Which of the following is not a paranormal romance?  a:

Carrie:  Oh, crap.

Sarah:  [Laughs] a.  Marvin and the Three Bears.  b:

Carrie:  [Laughs]

Sarah:  b. Bunny and the Bear

1. Swan and the Bear
2. Scarlet and the Three Bears

Or e. The Three Bears Gruff

So we have Marvin and the Three Bears –

RHG:  Mm-mm.

Sarah:  – Bunny and the Bear, Swan and the Bear, Scarlet and the Three Bears, and The Three Bears Gruff.  One of those is not real.

Carrie:  Well, it’s hard for me to picture somebody calling out Marvin in a state of ecstasy.  My apologies if we have any followers named Marvin; I’m sure you’re, like, incredibly hot.  I’m just saying –

[Laughter]

Carrie:  – it’s, it’s hard to picture.  So I, although I hope I’m wrong, actually, I’m going to say that Marvin and the Three Bears is not a real title.

Sarah:  I am sorry, that is a real book.

Carrie:  Yay!

Sarah:  Marvin –

Carrie:  I’ve never been happier to be wrong!

Sarah:  Marvin and the Three Bears is by Tielle St. Clare, Bunny and the Bear and Swan and the Bear are by Eve Langlais, and Scarlet and the Three Bears is by Stacey Espino.  The Three Bears Gruff I made up.  And I do some intense Googling.  Like, when I make up a title I’m like, this better not be fucking real.  I better make sure there’s nowhere –

Amanda:  How many times do you have to Google before you actually find a title that doesn’t exist?

Sarah:  It took me about two hours to draft this quiz.

[Laughter]

RHG:  Wow.

Sarah:  All right.  Elyse:

Elyse:  Bring it.

Sarah:  Happy New Year!  Which is not a January 2017 Harlequin Presents title that is on sale now?  a. A Child Claimed by Gold, Bought –

Elyse:  [Laughs]

Sarah:  Bought for the Tycoon’s Advantage, The Italian’s Pregnant Virgin, Bound by his –

[Laughter]

Amanda:  How does that work?

RHG:  Jane the Virgin, punkin.  You should have been watching that show the whole time.

Sarah:  [Laughs] Yes.  Oh, there’ve been a lot of pregnant virgins in Harlequin Presents Land long before Jane.  Bound by his Desert Diamond, or A Dangerous Taste of Passion.  So we have A Child Claimed by Gold, Bought for the Tycoon’s Advantage, The Italian’s Pregnant Virgin, Bound by his Desert Diamond, or A Dangerous Taste of Passion.  One of those is fake.

Elyse:  I’m, I’m going to go with the pregnant version, virgin, not because I don’t believe it’s a Harlequin title but because I believe that was probably used, like fifteen years ago and is not for January.

Sarah:  I’m sorry, The Italian’s Pregnant Virgin is by Maisey Yates.  It is a real book!

Elyse:  God damn it!

Sarah:  [Laughs] A Child Claimed by Gold is by Rachael Thomas, and every time I read that I thought it was A Child Claimed by God, and I thought I ended up in the wrong part of Harlequin.

RHG:  It’s a very different book.  [Laughs]

Sarah:  That’s a Love Inspired title.  It’s a totally section, totally different section.

Elyse:  So, like – okay.  No, I’m not, no.  Okay, I’m going to accept my, my defeat and move on.

Sarah:  Bound by his Desert Diamond is by Andie Brock, A Dangerous Taste of Passion is by Anne Mather, and I made up Bought for the Tycoon’s Advantage, and I Googled that everywhere, ‘cause I was convinced it was a real title, but I made it up!  Yay, me!  Someone at Harlequin is listening and going, damn it!  We’re going to use that.  All right.  Redheadedgirl:

RHG:  Yeah.

Sarah:  Keeping up with current shifter trends.  One of these is fake.  Golden and the Three Bears; Oriana –

RHG:  Uh-huh.

Sarah:  – and the Three Werebears; Gold – Goldi, excuse me – Goldi and the Three Bears; Brian and the Three Bears; or Three Bears for the Wolf.

So we have Golden and the Three Bears, Oriana and the Three Werebears, Goldi and the Three Bears, Brian and the Three Bears, or the Three Bears for the Wolf.  One of those is a –

RHG:  I believe this is a trick question, and they’re all real.

Sarah:  I am unfortunately sorry I didn’t do that this time, ‘cause I learned my lesson.

[Laughter]

Sarah:  I learned better.  You say I don’t listen to you.  I do listen!  This, one of those is not real.

RHG:  Yeah, it’s just ‘cause you’re afraid I’m going to show up to your house and short-sheet your bed.

Sarah:  The cat already did that.

[Laughter]

Sarah:  He crawls under the covers and then starts rolling around, so the quilt is in place, and then the sheet is, like, all in a tube at the bottom of the bed ‘cause he burrito-ed himself.

RHG:  Yeaaah.

Sarah:  Wilbur’s a little weird.

RHG:  Good boy, Wilbur.

Sarah:  All right.

RHG:  I think it’s the three bears and the wolf one.

Sarah:  Three Bears for the Wolf is by Krishna Brooks.  I’m sorry, that’s a real book.  Golden and the Three Bears is by an author named Kelex, Oriana and the Three Werebears is by Tia Fanning, Goldi and the Three Bears is by Anya Kelly, Brian and the Three Bears I made up.

RHG:  Okay.

Sarah:  Okay.

RHG:  Why, why doesn’t Brian get some bears?

Sarah:  I don’t know.  Brian should totally have some bears.

RHG:  Brian should get some bears.

Sarah:  Okay.

Amanda:  In case you’re wondering, no one has any points.

Sarah:  All right, Amanda, you’re up.

[Laughter]

Sarah:  Now, these, this is a long question.

Amanda:  Oh, good.

Sarah:  Which of the following two description is a book that you can purchase – well, actually, it’s, it’s free, so it’s not actually purchasing.  You can click a button and own this book, one of these two.  Are you ready?

Amanda:  ‘Kay.

Sarah:  Description number one:  When a lonely museum worker finds a mysterious ring within the ruins of an ancient pirate ship’s steering wheel, the last thing she expects is to be sent back three hundred years to the Golden Age of Piracy — straight onto the deck of a real pirate ship.  Lucky for her, the Golden Age was a time when “men were men” and they liked their women with curves in all the right places.

Amanda:  [Laughs]

Sarah:  Surrounded by a desperate crew in the middle of the ocean, and suspected of being a witch, will Kim ever get back to her own time, if she survives?  After a lingering encounter with the infamous Captain Charles Bellamy – The Beast of the Seas – does she want to?

So that’s book number one.  Book number two:  Fashion Historian Ellery Graves is desperately chasing the mention of a rare brooch through the pages of several modiste catalogs from the 1800s.  She needs to prove that it existed, though doing so might end her precarious position in her university, as her handsome but off-limits mentor and advisor insists that the piece of jewelry never existed.  In the rare book room, Ellery is making one last attempt to find visible proof when she not only finds the brooch itself, but finds herself transported to the rolling deck of a ship under attack by pirates.  They want the brooch and the rest of the bounty underneath her feet, and they’re not going to mind kidnapping her as well.  Despite her strange manners, odd speech, and refusal to be intimidated, the crew spare her life – until the captain appears and orders her to surrender her jewelry or be tossed into the ocean.  She has one hour to convince the pirate to spare her life, keep the brooch in her pocket, and to figure out why the captain looks exactly like her advisor, Dr. Stone.

Amanda:  So which one is real?

Sarah:  Yes.  One of those is real, and one of those is fake and I made it up.

Amanda:  Oh, goodness.

Sarah:  [Laughs] I will allow you guys to help Amanda, ‘cause that’s a hard one.

Amanda:  I really like the description of the first one –

Sarah:  Uh-huh?

Amanda:  – but if that one’s not real, I’m kind of bummed out that, like, you can write these book blurbs better than the actual authors who have written a book.

Sarah:  [Laughs] Not all authors write blurbs, but a lot of them do.

Amanda:  That’s true.

Sarah:  Blurbs are hard to write, too.  Whoo, is that hard work.

Amanda:  So I’m going to say the first one is the real book.

Sarah:  You are right.  Well done!  Yay!  [Clapping] You’ve got a point!  Okay, Carrie:

Carrie:  Yes!

Sarah:  Which of the following is not a title description on a book?  So four of these are real titles with descriptions –

Carrie:  Okay.

Sarah:  – and one is fake.

Carrie:  Okay.

Sarah:  And by title description I mean that when you look at the title of the book online, this is what it says, this is the whole title.

Carrie:  Okay.

Sarah:  a. Diamonds and Earls: A Clean Christian Mystery Romance (Inspirational Cozy Romance)

Carrie:  Okay.

Sarah:  b. The Earl’s London Bride: A Sweet & Clean Historical Romance

1. The Earl’s Honor (Regency Romance) Clean and Wholesome Regency Romance Book

d.

Carrie:  Okay.

Sarah:  [Laughs] d. The Forbidden Viscount: A Wholesome, Clean, Regency Romance Book

Or e. Regency Romance: 6 Book Box Set: The Charming Dukes: Clean and Wholesome Historical Romance

RHG:  No dukes are clean and charming.

Carrie:  Was (c) the one that was, like, sweet, was described as sweet and cozy or something?

Sarah:  Sweet & Clean, The Earl’s London Bride: A Sweet & Clean Historical Romance?

Carrie:  I think that one might be fake.

Sarah:  Nope, that one’s real!

Carrie:  Darn it!

Sarah:  Sorry!  That is by Lauren and Devon Royal.  Diamonds and Earls: A Clean Christian Mystery Romance (Inspirational Cozy Romance) is by Caroline Johnson.  The Earl’s Honor (Regency Romance) Clean and Wholesome Regency Romance Book is by Grace Fletcher.  Regency Romance: 6 Book Box Set: The Charming Dukes: Clean and Wholesome Historical Romance is by Charlotte Bentley, and I made up The Forbidden Viscount: A Wholesome, Clean, Regency Romance Book.  There are, if you just go on Amazon and search wholesome, clean, Regency, there’re many results.  It’s amazing.  Okay, Elyse:

Elyse:  Yep.

Sarah:  I have two descriptions of traditional Regencies, like the Signet –

Elyse:  Mm-hmm.

Sarah:  – smaller-sized Regencies, not the single title.  One of them is real, one of them is not.  You ready?

Elyse:  Yep.

Sarah:  Okay.  a. In order to escape the matchmaking efforts of her late husband’s sister, the Countess of Wyckfield pretends that she is already married — to her new footman Thomas.  His cockiness and noble bearing make him perfect for the role, but Camilla is surprised to find herself wishing the deception would last forever.

Or b. As the last unmarried daughter of the Viscountess Darwith, Lady Lucinda is accustomed to attention on her unwed state, some of it unwanted, some of it unbearable.  Desperate for a moment of control and to avoid her mother’s latest machinations, she allows a man to whom she hasn’t been introduced to write his name on her dance card.  When he strolls away amid whispers, she learns too late that she must dance with the devil himself, Baron Branston, the man who nearly ruined her sister and their entire family.

One of them is fake, and one of them is real.

Elyse:  I think the first one is fake.

Sarah:  No, the first one is real!  That’s The Counterfeit Husband by Elizabeth Mansfield.

Elyse:  God damn it!

[Laughter]

Sarah:  Okay.  Redheadedgirl:

RHG:  Yes.

Sarah:  This is one of my favorite kinds of questions.

RHG:  Oh, God.

Sarah:  One of these is NOT a romance involving the word Texas.  There’s a lot of Texas romance.  I, I would think in 2017 we need more, like, Delaware or –

Carrie:  [Laughs]

RHG:  Wait, that would be romance about banking.  That’s boring!

Sarah:  It’s fucking hot, man.  Taxes, whoo!  All right.  Which of the following is not a romance involving the word Texas?

1. Taming the Texas Tycoon
2. Texas Tycoon’s Christmas Fiancée
3. The Texas Tycoon’s Terrible Legacy
4. Matt Caldwell: Texas Tycoon
5. Tempting the Texas Tycoon

So we have Taming the Texas Tycoon, Texas Tycoon’s Christmas Fiancée, The Texas Tycoon’s Terrible Legacy, Matt Caldwell:  Texas –

RHG:  I, I really need Max Caldwell to not be real, so I’m picking that one.

Sarah:  [Laughs] I’m sorry, that’s by Diana Palmer.  There’s a whole bunch of Texas tycoons with name.  Yes, Matt Caldwell:  Texas Tycoon is by Diana Palmer.  Tempting the Texas Tycoon and Texas Tycoon’s Christmas Fiancée are by Sara Orwig, Taming the Texas Tycoon is by Katherine Garbera, and The Texas Tycoon’s Terrible Legacy I made up.  Although I could write it.  That would be fun.

All right, so after two round we stand with, where –

RHG:  Sarah, you could do a fifty states of tycoons series.

Amanda:  [Laughs]

Sarah:  [Whispers] Oh, yeah.

RHG:  Delaware would finally get their tycoon.

Sarah:  They’ve got a lot of tycoons in Delaware!  Like, everyone’s incorporated in Del- – there, there’s more, there are more tycoons then there are pieces of land for them to stand on!

RHG:  Exactly!  You should totally do it!  I’m helping.

Sarah:  That would be like a real-, I could combine, like, the tycoon and the reality competition.  Like, there has to be room for all the tycoons, and so they have to push each other off the state into the water.

RHG:  Yes!

Sarah:  I love this plan.

RHG:  Yes, do it!  Do the thing.

Sarah:  Okay.  Okay!  I will do the thing.

RHG:  Okay.

Sarah:  Amanda, where are we after two rounds?

Amanda:  I’m the only one with a point.

Sarah:  [Laughs] Okay!  Here we go.  Amanda:

Carrie:  No pressure, Amanda, but it’s all on you!

Sarah:  That’s right.

Amanda:  [Laughs]

Sarah:  Which of the following is not a Signet Regency Romance re-released by InterMix this past year or I think maybe eighteen months?  I had to go back.

1. Miss Capstone’s Pelisse
2. Miss Fiona’s Fancy
3. Libby’s London Merchant
4. The Jilting of Baron Smith

Or e. Miss Carlyle’s Curricle

Amanda:  The last one?

Sarah:  Miss Carlyle’s Curricle is a real book.  It’s by Karen Harbaugh.  Libby’s London Merchant is by Carla Kelly, Miss Fiona’s Fancy is by Marion Chesney, and Miss Capstone’s Pelisse is fake.  All right.  Carrie?  Do you have a pen?

Carrie:  Yes?

Sarah:  Do you have a pen and paper handy?  Or maybe a computer?

Carrie:  I have, I always have a pen and paper handy.

Sarah:  Okay, ‘cause this is a spelling question.

Carrie:  Oh, no, I don’t do spelling!  No.

Sarah:  It’s easy, easy, easy!  You’re just going to have to write down what I spell and take a look at the word.

RHG:  Yeah –

Carrie:  Oh, for God’s sake.

Sarah:  All right.

Carrie:  All right.

Sarah:  [Laughs] There are a lot of romances that use the word magic, and there are lots of ways to spell magic.  Which of the following is not used on a title that I know of, despite much searching?  So,

1. Magic, M-A-G-I-C
2. Magick with a K, M-A-G-I-C-K
3. Magik with just a K, M-A-G-I-K
4. Madgic with a D, so M-A-D-G-I-C, or –

Carrie:  What the hell?

[Laughter]

Sarah:  There’s one more!  Or e. Magique with a Q, so M-A-G-I-Q-U-E, ma-jeek!  One of those is not on a title of a book!

Carrie:  Okay, so number one was magic, M-A-G-I-C.  What was number two and number three?

Sarah:  Number two was magick with a K, M-A-G-I-C-K, so magic –

Carrie:  Oh –

Sarah:  – the word magic with an extra K, and number three was magik with just a K, M-A-G-I-K.

Carrie:  All right.  Well, I, I suspect that, again, this wrong, but I’m going to go with M-A-D-G-I-K, the one with the D in it.

Sarah:  You are correct!  That –

Amanda and RHG:  Yay!

Carrie:  Thank God!

Sarah:  That is actually –

Carrie:  I was about to lose, like, I had, like, one gram of faith in humanity left 

[Laughter]

Sarah:  Well –

Carrie:  – and it was, it, it was –

RHG:  Sorry, whoa, whoa, you’re relying on Sarah’s quiz for faith in humanity?

Sarah:  Yeah, I wouldn’t do that.

Carrie:  I, I wasn’t planning to, but the idea that somebody would spell magic with a D in it, that was, I, I didn’t know that was my line!

Sarah:  I –

Elyse:  I just –

Carrie:  My line is right there.

Elyse:  I just want you guys to know that there is a trucking company called Baby Majik, M-A-J-I-K.  That is a real trucking company that is in the world.

Sarah:  I love that!

RHG:  Oh, well.

Elyse:  There’s also –

Carrie:  Oh, I’ve seen –

Elyse:  There’s also one called Three Hungry Guys Trucking.

Sarah:  [Laughs]

Carrie:  I like that too.

Sarah:  So, Carrie, can I ruin your faith in humanity a little bit?

Carrie:  No!

Sarah:  You were correct; madgic, M-A-D-G-I-C, is not a romance title.  It is, however, a mobile advertising platform – and this is what it says on their website – combining programmatic with big data and machine learning, Madgic adds a smart touch to Real Time bidding.  I’m not entirely sure what that means.

Carrie:  Yeah, you know what –

Amanda:  Machine learning.

Carrie:  – it doesn’t seem very smart if they can’t spell magic.

Sarah:  [Laughs] Okay.

RHG:  She’s got a point.

Sarah:  Elyse:  All right.  According to an advanced search of Amazon performed on Friday, 16th of December, how many results were found for romances published with the word “Millionaire” in the title in 2016?  So this is an advanced search performed last week.  I’m going to give you five – you’re going to have multiple choice.  How many results were found for romances published with the word “Millionaire” in the title in 2016?

Option a.  Now this, of course, a flawed measurement because it’s just Amazon’s title field.

1. 175
2. 657
3. 23,498
4. 177,243

Or e. 121,616

So, 175; 657; 23,498; 177,243; or 121,616.

Elyse:  I’m going to go with d.

Sarah:  d. 177, 243 – I’m sorry; only 175 results came up for books with the word “Millionaire” in the title.

Elyse:  No, no fucking way, really?

Sarah:  Right?  I was shocked.  I mean –

RHG:  Hey, look, millionaires ain’t what they used to be.  Inflation.

Sarah:  I know, right?  Speaking of millionaires, Redheadedgirl!

RHG:  Yeah.

Sarah:  Among those results, which of the following is a real boxed set?  So three are fake, one is real.  Here we go:  a. The Amish Millionaire Boxed Set

RHG:  Oh, I know that’s true.

Sarah:  The Millionaire Dom Boxed Set, The Millionaire Heirs Club Boxed Set, or The Mistletoe Millionaires Boxed Set.

RHG:  I’m going to go back on my faith in humanity –

Sarah:  Uh-huh?

RHG:  – and say The Mistletoe Millionaires one, please don’t let that be real.

Sarah:  It is not real.

RHG:  Yes!

Sarah:  So you need to guess the real one out of those four.

RHG:  Oh.  The real one?

Sarah:  Yeah.

RHG:  It’s The Amish Millionaire.

Sarah:  Correct!  Well done!

RHG:  Well, I know that!  I sent you guys the cover to that one!

Sarah:  I was hoping you wouldn’t remember.  [Laughs]

RHG:  Oh, no, because Rachel was like –

Carrie:  Who could forget Amish millionaires?

RHG:  – yesterday, was like, you saw this, right?  And I’m like, yeah, that’s the, the dude that looks like the Property Brother.

Carrie:  Wait, I, I have questions.  I have questions.

RHG:  Yes.

Sarah:  [Laughs]

Carrie:  How does an Amish person become a millionaire?

RHG:  That’s an excellent question

Sarah:  That’s why there’s a boxed set.

RHG:  I don’t know.

Sarah:  I have a guess, though, because the boxed set is $24.93 for Kindle and $19.99 for the paperback, so that’s one way he became a millionaire.

Carrie:  [Laughs] Okay.

Sarah:  Also, can I just –

RHG:  Also, they’re the Property Brothers, so –

Sarah:  Yes, that also helps.

Carrie:  Yes.

Sarah:  Can I just share that it bugs the ever-living shit out of me when it’s a “box” set, not a “boxed” set?  It’s a boxed set.  The set has been boxed.

Carrie:  Oh, yeah.

Sarah:  Boxed is modifying set.  It’s not a box set, like a set of boxes; it is a set that has been boxed.  [Deep breath] Okay, that has been my meaningless tirade of the day.  M’kay.  Amanda:

Amanda:  Yes.

RHG:  Got that off your chest?

Sarah:  Yes, I’ve got that off my chest.  I feel great.  So, Amanda:

Amanda:  Yes.

Sarah:  Let’s pretend for a second that you’ve got a billionaire boss.  Which –

Amanda:  Okay.

Sarah:  – of the following is not real?  Three are real; one is fake.  Bred by my Billionaire Vampire Boss – An Erotic Vampire Romance; The Billionaire Boss’s Forbidden Mistress; Steamy Sessions with my Billionaire Boss; Billionaire Boss, M.D.; or In Pain for my Billionaire Boss.  So we have Bred by my Billionaire Vampire Boss; The Billionaire Boss’s Forbidden Mistress –

Amanda:  What is happening to this woman that she’s in pain –

Sarah:  [Laughs]

Amanda:  – for her boss?

Sarah:  Steamy Sessions with my Billionaire Boss; Billionaire Boss, M.D.; and In Pain for my Billionaire Boss.  One of those is fake.

Amanda:  I believe the first one’s real, ‘cause it reminds me a lot of midnight secretary –

Sarah:  Oh, I love that.

Amanda:  – so why wouldn’t someone write a book about it?

Sarah:  I don’t remember there was any breeding in Billionaire Vampire Boss, but that was an awesome manga.

Amanda:  But breeding books are super popular right now!

Sarah:  It’s true, it’s true.

Amanda:  So I’m either going to go with Steamy Sessions or In Pain.

Sarah:  Hmm.

Amanda:  I – oh, this is tough.

Sarah:  [Laughs]

Amanda:  I feel like In Pain is too ridiculous not to be real.  So I’m going to go with Steamy Sessions is the fake one.

Sarah:  Yet again, you were so close.  [Laughs]

Amanda:  Damn it!

Sarah:  In Pain for my Billionaire Boss is fake.

Amanda:  I’m not listening to my gut here!

Sarah:  Yeah.  Bred by my Billionaire Vampire Boss is by Rory Scott; The Billionaire Boss’s Forbidden Mistress is by Miranda Lee, and it’s available both as a print book and also as a manga; Steamy Sessions with my Billionaire Boss is by Fifi De Desiree; and Billionaire Boss, M.D., which is hands down my favorite, is by Olivia Gates.

Amanda:  Okay.

Sarah:  Okay.  Carrie:  True or false?  Is this a real book?  Toby Kincaid loves being the junior librarian in his hometown of Sandy Lake, Ohio.  He spends his days surrounded by books, chatting with the library patrons.  He especially adores the head librarian, Mr. Miggles, who is kind, witty, knowledgeable about everything, and hopelessly addicted to Christmas.  Sean Miggles is also pretty cute — especially for an older guy who wears ties and suit pants every day.

But Sean keeps himself at a distance, and there’s a sadness about him that Toby can’t figure out.  When Sean is accused of a crime he didn’t commit, he gives up without a fight.  Toby realizes that he alone can save the library — and their head librarian.

Toby will need to uncover the darkness in Sean’s past and prove to him that he deserves a second chance at life and at love too.  While Christmas miracles are being handed out, maybe Toby will get his own dearest wish — to love and be loved by Mr. Miggles.

RHG:  That took a turn.

[Laughter]

Carrie:  It did.

Sarah:  That took several turns.

RHG:  It was a ride from start to finish.

Sarah:  [Laughs]

Carrie:  I, I would really like to know how old Toby is and how old Mr. Miggles is, ‘cause there’s a certain creep factor there, but I’m going to say that that is a real book.

Sarah:  It is!  It is called Merry Christmas, Mr. Miggles by Eli Easton!

Carrie:  Woohoo!  Of course it is!  Yeah!

Sarah:  [Laughs]

Carrie:  I knew it!

Sarah:  Yeah, well.

Amanda:  Did Carrie get the point?

Sarah:  Yes, she does.

Carrie:  Yeah, I got that point!

Sarah:  All right.

[Laughter]

Sarah:  And now we move into a series of questions that are true or false, m’kay?

Elyse:  ‘Kay.

Sarah:  So, Elyse, true or false:  Is this a book title?  One for the Rogue.

Elyse:  Yes.

Sarah:  That is true!  Correct!  Well done!

Elyse:  Whoo!

Sarah:  Redheadedgirl, true or false:

RHG:  Yeah.

Sarah:  Is this a real book?  To All the Earls I’ve Loved Before.

RHG:  No.

Sarah:  You’re correct.  That is not a book, but it probably will be.  All right.

RHG:  Yeah, I feel like you put these out into the universe –

Sarah:  It’s just going to happen.

RHG:  Mm.

Carrie:  It’s going to happen, yeah.

Sarah:  Yeah.  Sorry, universe!  Amanda, that is the end of round three; am I correct?

Amanda:  Yes, so Carrie and Redheadedgirl are tied for the lead with two points.

Sarah:  Woohoo!

Carrie:  Yeah, baby!

Sarah:  All right, we’ve got two more rounds, and they’re all true/false, so hold onto your hats.  All right, so, Amanda –

RHG:  Wait, am I supposed to be wearing a hat?

Sarah:  Well, you can be if you wish.  I mean, you do have the window open; it might be a little cold.  M’kay.

RHG:  It’s not; it’s, like, freezing.  Go on.

Sarah:  Okay.  Amanda, true or false –

Amanda:  Yes.

Sarah:  Is this a real book title?  What an Earl Wants.

Amanda:  Yes.

Sarah:  That is true!  Correct.  There are actually two books by that title, one by Kasey Michaels and one by Shirley Karr.  All right, Carrie, is this a real –

Carrie:  Yeah!

Sarah:  – book title?  No Ordinary Earl.

Carrie:  That is a real book title.

Sarah:  Alas, it is fake.

Carrie:  It’s too boring, isn’t it?

Sarah:  Yeah, it’s also most of a Duran Duran song, but that would have been awesome if it was a real book.  Elyse:

Elyse:  Yep?

Sarah:  This one’s easy, and I apologize, ‘cause we already talked about it, but true or false?  This Earl Is on Fire.  Is that a real book?

Elyse:  Fuck, yeah!

[Laughter]

Sarah:  And Redheadedgirl:

RHG:  Yeah.

Sarah:  True or false:  Is this a real book?  Earl, You Know It’s True.

RHG:  …

Sarah:  That’s a suspenseful silence.

RHG:  That –

[Laughter]

RHG:  I, I needed to process the physical pain it caused me.

Sarah:  [Sings] Earl, you know it’s true!  Ooh, ooh, ooh!

RHG:  No, it is not a real book, ‘cause we’re due for a false.

[Laughter]

Sarah:  You are –

Carrie:  I, I see that as just denial there.

Sarah:  [Laughs] Earl, You Know It’s True is not real as of this moment.

[Laughter]

Sarah:  All right –

RHG:  See?  Look, my logic is pretty good.

Sarah:  Yes, your science is tight.  Okay, Amanda, this –

Amanda:  Yeah.

Sarah:  – all of the next, the last four questions are, is this a thriller novel or a song about a girl?

RHG:  [Laughs]

Amanda:  Okay, this is probably the weirdest category we’ve had so far.

Sarah:  And yet, someone listening to this podcast is like, oh, my God, that better be on fucking Jeopardy!, like, now.  All right, thriller novel or song about a girl?  Here we go.

Amanda:  Okay.

Sarah:  Amanda:

Amanda:  Yeah.

Sarah:  “Around the Way Girl.”

Amanda:  That’s a song!

Sarah:  You are correct!  Well done!  Carrie:

Carrie:  Yeah!

Sarah:  Novel or song:  “Can I Take You Home Little Girl?”

Amanda:  Ugh.

Carrie:  Eeewww!

Sarah:  [Laughs]

Carrie:  I think it was a song.

Sarah:  That is a song!  It’s 1976 by The Drifters.  Okay.

Carrie:  Gross song!

Sarah:  [Laughs] There’s a lot of gross songs in the ‘70s.  And now, Elyse:  thriller novel or song?  The Girls –

Elyse:  I feel like this is, like I’m meant for this.

Sarah:  Yes!

[Laughter]

Sarah:  This whole category is designed with you in – I was actually picking up one of my kids while I was in the middle of developing this quiz, and I was like, all right, I’ve done historicals, I’ve done bears, I’ve done weird descriptions, done earls; oh, I’ve got to do some thrillers.  So here we go, this category is all for you.  Thriller novel or song?  The Girls Next Door.

Elyse:  That would be thriller novel.

Sarah:  Yes!  That is Detective Eden Berrisford, book one, by Mel Sherratt.  All right, Redheadedgirl:

RHG:  Yeah.

Sarah:  Before we ask the question, Amanda, where do we stand?

Amanda:  So, all of us have three points, so Redheadedgirl needs to win this, and then she’ll win everything, but if she doesn’t, then we are all tied.

Sarah:  All right!

RHG:  Okay, so what are the stakes?  What are we playing for?

Amanda:  Nothing.

[Laughter]

RHG:  Okay, well –

Carrie:  Glory!  [Sings] Glory glory!  [Speaks] Yeah, it’s all about the glory and the fame.

Sarah:  I will –

RHG:  Somebody has to be a –

Sarah:  – I will send the winner a –

RHG:  Wait!  Hold up, hold up!  Wait!  I didn’t even hear the question!

Sarah:  Oh, I know, I haven’t asked it yet.

Amanda:  She hasn’t asked it yet.

RHG and Sarah:  Okay.

Sarah:  So I will send the winner a box of swag, including the new “Romance or GTFO” stickers, and then I have also “Literary Slut” T-shirts for sleeping in that say, “I will go to bed with any book” in a whole host of sizes, size pending, and prizes from the great prize drawer bucket of, you know, Smart Bitches history.  I have a lot of prizes.  I’ll send you a, I’ll send the winner a collection of swag and rad shit.  Sound good?

Carrie:  Yay!

RHG:  Yes.

Sarah:  All right.

RHG:  Terms are acceptable.

Sarah:  Terms are acceptable.  Okay.  So, thriller novel or song?  The Girl in the Glass.

RHG:  Hmm.  Oh, that sounds like a novel.  I’m going to say novel.

Sarah:  Is that your final answer?  The Girl in the Glass?

RHG:  That’s my final answer.

Sarah:  You are correct; that is a book.  Well done!

[Cheers]

Sarah:  That is actually multiple books.  There’s one by Susan Meissner, there’s one by James – there’s Jeffrey Ford, James Hayman, and Huckster Finn – oh that’s a character.  That’s Jeffrey Ford.

RHG:  That’s not a real person.  [Laughs]

Sarah:  Huckster –

RHG:  Isn’t Susan Meissner the one who wrote that book that was theoretically about gymnastics but really wasn’t, Elyse, that we did a joint review on?

Elyse:  I don’t think so?

Amanda:  That was Megan Abbott, I think.

RHG:  Oh, okay.

Sarah:  Yeah.  Amanda remembers things, not me.  Well played, everyone!  Well done!

Carrie:  Yay!

RHG:  That was a good quiz.

Sarah:  Now, I did have a tie-breaker.

Carrie:  – who won?

RHG:  – basic humanity notwithstanding.

Sarah:  Redheadedgirl has won the quiz.  I did, however, have a tiebreaker question –

RHG:  [Laughs] Okay.

Carrie:  – but, but we don’t –

Sarah:  – and I will share it with you.

Carrie:  Okay, let’s hear it.

Sarah:  Song or a book?  Goodbye Earl.

Carrie and Elyse:  Song!

Sarah:  Actually, both!

Amanda:  What?!

Sarah:  There’s obviously a song –

RHG:  I knew there was a trick question somewhere.

Carrie:  Yeah –

Sarah:  That’s right!  I didn’t learn my lesson all the way.  Bad Girl Creek number three, Goodbye, Earl.  And then the song, which is good.

Carrie:  Right, yeah.

Sarah:  Yay!  Well, thank you guys so much for recording with me, and also most of all, thank you for making the site a place where so many people around the world want to hang out.  If it wasn’t for you guys being so welcoming and chill and, and interested in so many different things, we wouldn’t have such an incredibly awesome people who come and hang out with us every day.  So thank you!

Elyse:  Aw, thank you!

Carrie:  Aw, thank you!

Sarah:  So Happy New Year –

Amanda:  Keep hanging out with us, people!

Sarah:  Yeah!  We like you.

RHG:  We like hanging out with you.

Sarah:  And in case you’re wondering, yes, we are your friends.

Carrie:  Aw!

Sarah:  I mean, it’s weird, but, you know, you have someone’s voice in your ears, and you, a lot of people try to talk back to us.  I should start taking reader calls.  Like, we should just have a live call-in – come talk to us!

Amanda:  [Laughs]

Elyse:  That would be hilarious.

RHG:  That would be really funny.

Carrie:  I think we should.

Sarah:  I’ll see if I can do that in the, in, in the interim.  I’ll figure out the technology.  Like, all of us, and then adding people, like, one after the other.  So, what would you like to ask the Bitches today?  [Laughs]

[music]

Sarah:  And that is all for the first podcast of 2017, and of course I’m still writing 2016 when I write things down, but we’ll pretend like I don’t have that habit.  I’m guessing you have that habit too, right?  I want to thank Amanda, Elyse, Carrie, and Redheadedgirl for hanging out with me and enduring my Sweet Clean Bears and Wholesome Earls quiz.  I hope you enjoyed that as well.  Future podcasts will include me talking to many people about romance novels.  I have an interview with Alisha Rai coming up, and I have more interviews scheduled, and I’m very, very excited to bring another year of the podcast, ‘cause really, seriously, doing the podcast is so much fun!

If you would like to support the show or you’d like to get involved with helping me plan the coming year, please have a look at podcast Patreon at patreon.com/SmartBitches.  For pledges of as little as a dollar a month, you make an enormous difference in helping me keep the show going, and I very, very much appreciate it!

This episode and all of the episodes of this month are being sponsored by Kensington Publishing.  They would like you to know that New York Times bestselling author Alexandra Ivy’s new romantic suspense series is back.  Five brave military heroes have survived the hell of a Taliban prison to return home and take on civilian missions that no one else can.  They are the men of Ares Security, highly skilled, intimidating, invincible, and one by one tested again and again.  When Lucas St. Clair discovers a dead man clutching a picture of his ex-girlfriend, the one who got away, bearing a threatening message, his fiercest protective instincts kick in, and he knows he must go to her.  Don’t miss the series that Publishers Weekly calls “an appealing mix of emotional warmth and erotic heat.”  Kill Without Shame by Alexandra Ivy is now available on kensingtonbooks.com and wherever books are sold, and you can connect with Alexandra at alexandraivy.com.

The music you’re listening to is provided by Sassy Outwater.  You can find her on Twitter @SassyOutwater.  This is the Peatbog Faeries from their CD Dust.  This is called “Calgary Capers.”  You can find the Faeries, all of the Peatbog Faeries on their website and on iTunes and on Amazon and wherever you buy your fine music.

And if you would like to send me an email or leave me a voicemail, which is also pretty cool, you can contact me at sbjpodcast@gmail.com.  You can leave a voicemail and tell me whatever is on your mind at 201-371-3272.  And as I mentioned at the end of this episode, I am going to try to do a live call-in show.  I have no idea what’s involved in that, but I’m going to find out, ‘cause you can learn things on the Internet.  This is a thing that I know.

In the meantime, on behalf of all of us here, including Orville, my sound-foam-chewing engineer, we wish you the very best of reading.  Have a great weekend and a Happy New Year.

[smooth music]