Welcome to the day of the week where I white-knuckle grip an adult beverage and also my grip on reality as I recap The Bachelorette. But first… An important update.. For those of you who asked, yes, Pudding is still with us although we may have a permanent placement for her in the not too distant future. She is still regal and beautiful and the boss of the house. In addition to Lady P, we’ve … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E6: WOWO→
CW for discussions of sexual assault. Happy Bachelorette Day! I just finished watching a movie where Chris Pratt is a science teacher who time travels to the future to stop an alien apocalypse, and yet somehow I expect tonight’s episode will be worse than that. At least the Worst Chris movie had JK Simmons in it. We open up with Tayshia telling the dudes that Blake will be joining the house. When Blake shows up, … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E5: A Different Type of Bro Code→
We open with a shot of the New Mexico countryside which includes a couple of turkeys, and then Thomas running down a path. Better look out, Thomas. Turkeys are mean and also dumb, and I’ve seen them chase joggers. We cut back to the house where the other guys are talking about how much they dislike Thomas. He admitted he came on the show to be the next Bachelor and despite the fact that the … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E4: Why the Fuck is He Here Now?→
CW/TW for discussion of assault, consent, and trauma. Be gentle with yourself, k? It’s time for The Bachelorette. I’ve got a strawberry White Claw (or six) to help me cope. Ok, maybe more. OR MAYBE NOT. I’m embracing the chaos here. Last week Karl acted as an agent of chaos, inexplicably rubbing a cardboard cutout of Katie with a banana, and telling her that multiple guys in the house (resort?) were there for the wrong reasons. … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E3: Strawberry White Claw→
We open up with a group date. Heather McDonald of the Juicy Scoop podcast is there and she quizzes the men about female sexuality. Mike talks about being a virgin again, but doesn’t reveal it to the group. Then they have to give a presentation about what makes them the greatest lover. WTF. Like a power point? Mike is upset and starts crying. We are nine minutes into this, people. Here’s the thing: there’s nothing … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E2: Connor the Cat→
On last season of The Bachelor, Katie Thurston showed up with a vibrator and an attitude that shut down bullies. Now she’s one of two Bachelorettes we’ll get this year. First up, Chris Harrison has officially exited the franchise (with a golden parachute, I’m sure). I assume he was unable to fulfill his bargain and harvest enough souls for The Rose God, and is chained to a wall in a McMansion dungeon somewhere. So this season … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelorette–S17 E1: Oh, Shit–Here We Go Again→
We almost, almost at the end of this season. We have a two hour finale and then the After The Final Rose special. I’m breaking it up into two recaps because I can’t stay up that late. Pudding, however, is a night owl. Matt’s mom and his brother have arrived to meet the last two women, Michelle and Rachael. Patty, his mom, says she does think it’s a longshot he’d be engaged at the end of the … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E11: Don’t Worry, Love Ends→
Happy Bachelor day. It’s Fantasy Suites night which means, thank the Rose God, we are nearing the end. Pudding had her first vet visit (with us anyway) and other than arthritis, she is a healthy girl. She’s on meds for that and seems much more content. She likes to supervise my knitting. She also asks for nose kisses now. So we’re down to three women: Bri (who quit her job for the show), Michelle and … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E10: I am Not Making This Up→
We open with a shot of two swans swimming across a pond which is appropriate because, as my husband put it, “Swans are bastards.” This is hometowns week, which is the week when the Bachelor meets the remaining four contestants’ families and one dad is obligated to ask him, “But how do you feel about my daughter compared to the other relationships.” This is the cringiest week. [Ed. note: I just cringed so hard.] If … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E8: Little Elise→
Before we get started on the recap I have a couple of updates. First of all, Chris Harrison has announced he’s stepping away from the franchise for awhile after saying some racist shit to Rachel Lindsay in an interview. Basically current contestant Rachael Kirkconnell was criticized for social media posts of her at an Old South themed sorority party. Harrison talked over Lindsey when she expressed concerns about it and basically dismissed it because it … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E7: That was Pointless→
It’s time for the WTFery that is The Bachelor and this week I have a co-recapper, Pudding the cat. Pudding is our current foster. She’s fifteen years old and beautiful and totally here for the right reasons. Pudding has no patience for this franchise’s shit. Like the rest of us, Pudding is waiting until she can get her vaccines and leave quarantine (aka my office) for her furever home. So when we open, the two-on-one date … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E6: Pudding→
