Tonight’s episode of The Bachelor is Fantasy Suites. This is where the host (Jesse Palmer) gives the couples creepy AF handwritten notes inviting them to spend the night together, off camera, to explore their relationship (whatever that means for them). It’s also usually the episode where one of the contestants gets upset because, despite this franchise having nearly 30 seasons, it hasn’t occurred to them that The Bachelor might sleep with other people on his “journey.” … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E9: Thanks Leslie →
This week is Hometowns, the cringiest episode of the season. This is when The Bachelor meets the contestant’s’ families who are often skeptical of this whole bullshit franchise. We start in New Orleans, which is Kelsey A’s hometown. They go to a park where a woman is having her wedding photos taken. Kelsey reflects that in a couple of weeks that could be her, and says she terrified of having her heart broken. Kelsey is … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E8: Liam’s Dance Moves →
Happy Bachelor recap! Hopefully you’re having a better week than our Bachelor, Joey, who earlier mixed up Ruth Bader Ginsberg with Gypsy Rose Blanchard. I would argue that Joey has the same number of thoughts as Fish, and this is Fish. There are six women left, and we’re in Jasper National Park in Alberta. Jenn says she wants to “get naked and cuddle in the woods,” which doesn’t seem like a great idea because you’re … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E7: A Lot of Dramatic Music All for Nothing →
I suspect mileage will vary significantly for readers of The Aristocrat. It’s going to depend a lot on how much emotion you want in your reading (this one has quite a bit). I kept raising my eyebrow at the heroine’s implausible perfection and that pulled me out of the story. Felicity lives in Narragansett with her foster mother. She’s enjoying a summer off before going to law school when two handsome Brits move into the … Continue reading The Aristocrat by Penelope Ward →
So this week’s Bachelor opens on a weird note. Joey is Montreal. We get his monologue while he looks out over scenic views, saying that his biggest fear is that he won’t wind up in a relationship at the end of the show. Then he says, “I’m trying to do my best to show who I am and express how I feel, but it’s just hard to do that while also being more fun and being … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E6: Everyone Needs a Nap →
I live about three hours north of Chicago, and every few months my friends and I do a “food run,” where we pick up all the delicious noms we cannot get here–food from the Super H-Mart, Lou Malnati’s pizzas, matzo ball soup from my favorite deli, etc. This trip we added in a stop the The Last Chapter Bookshop in Roscoe Village. First of all, and perhaps most importantly, I was immediately happy when I … Continue reading Elyse Goes to The Last Chapter Bookshop →
I think I wouldn’t have been so disappointed in The Star and the Strange Moon had the premise not been so intriguing. This book had the potential to be so excellent, but the pacing was all over the place and most of the novel just dragged on while the best parts felt rushed. In 1968, French-American actress Gemma Turner’s career was struggling. She’s starred in surfer movies that while popular aren’t exactly critically acclaimed. Now … Continue reading The Star and the Strange Moon by Constance Sayers →
So we open back in Malta at the Pre Dreaded Rose Ceremony where Maria is crying. There was beef between Sydney and Maria (that appeared to be manufactured entirely by Sydney). Joey sent Sydney home, but now Lea has taken over having pretend drama with Maria. None of this makes any sense by the way. Don’t try to think about it too hard. Then it’s time for the Dreaded Rose Ceremony. Maria has a date … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E5: My Heart is in My Ass →
We open with a shot of Sydney and Maria sitting on the deck of a boat while dramatic, ominous music plays in the background. If you didn’t know they’d be set up as rivals, it would be a fair assumption to make here that Joey got eaten by a shark. He did not. We are not that lucky. We’re on to the international travel portion of the show, with the gang going to Malta, where … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E4: The Sausage Wheel →
This episode jumps right into it, so I’m doing the same thing. We start off with a group date. The women are brought to a theater where the words Mrs. Right are on light up in the back. Some of the contestants from The Golden Bachelor are there too: April, Susan, Kathy and Nancy, the ASKN ladies. They were all friends, but had a falling out after this cameo I guess? I didn’t watch The Golden Bachelor … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E3: Pool Party Sponsored by KFC →
I would just The Bitchery to know that I am postponing reading House of Flame and Shadow to recap this. That’s how much I love you all. We open with Joey (who is a tennis coach) playing tennis with Jesse. Much to my surprise, neither of them are shirtless. We start with a group date and it’s the same stupid date we get every single season where the women dress up like brides. Could we get … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S28 E2: Beef with Michael Bolton →
