Happy Bachelor day. It’s Fantasy Suites night which means, thank the Rose God, we are nearing the end. Pudding had her first vet visit (with us anyway) and other than arthritis, she is a healthy girl. She’s on meds for that and seems much more content. She likes to supervise my knitting. She also asks for nose kisses now. So we’re down to three women: Bri (who quit her job for the show), Michelle and … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E10: I am Not Making This Up →
It’s “Women Tell All” week on The Bachelor which is basically a two hour clip show and then the women yelling over each other all while Chris Harrison absorbs the toxic energy. If you’re here for a Pudding update, Lady P is doing great and getting friendlier every day. She would still eat Chris Harrison’s face off though. We open with a montage of all the shitty stuff Queen Victoria has said which is …a lot. … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E9: Unecessary Drama →
We open with a shot of two swans swimming across a pond which is appropriate because, as my husband put it, “Swans are bastards.” This is hometowns week, which is the week when the Bachelor meets the remaining four contestants’ families and one dad is obligated to ask him, “But how do you feel about my daughter compared to the other relationships.” This is the cringiest week. [Ed. note: I just cringed so hard.] If … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E8: Little Elise →
Before we get started on the recap I have a couple of updates. First of all, Chris Harrison has announced he’s stepping away from the franchise for awhile after saying some racist shit to Rachel Lindsay in an interview. Basically current contestant Rachael Kirkconnell was criticized for social media posts of her at an Old South themed sorority party. Harrison talked over Lindsey when she expressed concerns about it and basically dismissed it because it … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E7: That was Pointless →
It’s time for the WTFery that is The Bachelor and this week I have a co-recapper, Pudding the cat. Pudding is our current foster. She’s fifteen years old and beautiful and totally here for the right reasons. Pudding has no patience for this franchise’s shit. Like the rest of us, Pudding is waiting until she can get her vaccines and leave quarantine (aka my office) for her furever home. So when we open, the two-on-one date … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E6: Pudding →
Happy Wednesday people! It’s Bachelor time! When we open Queen Victoria and Kit are taking a walk, and Victoria is complaining about the new girls. “I love the OGs and the house was so great until these new people came. Like I don’t think anything of them. And the new girls were like, ‘yeah it’s been really hard,’ and I’m like what? We haven’t even started the hazing process.” Yeah, she’s…great. So then we cut to the … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E5: Ashley V →
There’s a theme to The Mystery of Mrs. Christie and it’s, “Maybe don’t fuck with your wife when she invents unsolveable ways to murder people for a living.” In a lot of ways this book is a historical Gone Girl, which normally would be my jam, but I found the suspense disrupted by the fact that this is based on a real event and I already knew what happened. Add to that, we spend a … Continue reading The Mystery of Mrs. Christie by Marie Benedict →
Welcome to whatever day it is. Quarantimes are weird, but it’s time for The Bachelor which is guaranteed to make it weirder. We open with Matt lamenting that Sarah went home because he was developing feelings for her…you know after one date and like two total hours spent together. Back at the drinking couches, MJ says that Sarah bailed when things got hard, and Queen Victoria says, “The trash took itself out.” Katie is pissed, but … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E4: Squirrel Fetish →
We ended last episode with The Dreaded Rose Ceremony and Sarah almost fainting. When we open up the ceremony has been delayed and Sarah is being tended to by a medic. The other women are annoyed with her because they think she faked it or worked herself up so she could get more alone time with Matt. In their defense, she does walk around talking about her vision going black which seems like a thing … Continue reading Elyse Watches the Bachelor–S25 E3: Turtle Power →
It’s been a weird week and it’s time for a weird episode of The Bachelor. We open with a totally gratuitous shot of Matt in the shower. Then we see the women assembled on a drinking couch. One of them is wearing the cable-knit Chris Evans sweater from Knives Out. Chris Harrison tells them that because we have a record number of women not everyone will get a date this week. Khalyah says, “The prospect of not … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E2: Mean Girl Act →
With barely a moment to breathe between them, ABC has ended the fuckery that is The Bachelorette and begun the fuckery that is The Bachelor. After 24 seasons, ABC finally brought us a man of color for the Bachelor. Matt James, our intrepid hero, is biracial. They also moved filming from the McMansion (which is now an Air BnB rental, for real) to the Nemacolin Woodlands Resort in Pennsylvania, presumably for COVID related reasons. We get a … Continue reading Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S25 E1: MJ the Vibrator →
