532. Ghosts, Pets, and Zany Questions with Amanda

[music]

Sarah Wendell: Hello and welcome to episode number 532 of Smart Podcast, Trashy Books. I’m Sarah Wendell. With me is Amanda, and we have zany questions. We are going to talk about insults, ghosts, pets, more very silly things. So if you’re thinking, I could use some laughter, this might be the perfect episode for you. I also want to know the answers that you have to our questions, and I will have some info in the outro – which is totally a word, by the way! – about how you can tell us the answers that you have to our questions.

Hello and thank you to our Patreon community! I have a compliment!

To Sarah J.: Hello to a fellow Sarah. All of the earthworms burrowing through the garden like to spell your name to honor how great you are for the world.

And if you would like a compliment of your very own, have a look at our Patreon. We are renovating the Patreon – or I am renovating the Patreon – and we are doing cool stuff. I have bonus episodes, we’re going to have a Discord server by the end of the month, and I am really looking forward to interacting more with everybody in the Patreon community, so have a look at patreon.com/SmartBitches.

This episode is brought to you by A Ghost in Shining Armor by Therese Beharrie. Therese Beharrie puts a unique spin on the always popular trope of the fake relationship. This time it’s with a ghost! This Cape-Town-set rom-com is the second in a duology about two South African sisters who were separated as children but reunite as adults, only to learn they’ve each developed very special abilities. Gemma Daniels has never been quite the “down to earth” woman her adoptive parents raised her to be. She even has a unique gift: she can see ghosts – and she likes helping them settle their unfinished business. But the hotter-than-hot stranger she impulsively kisses on a bet is not only a phantom, but a ghost who’s determined to help her. And the only way Gemma can explain his presence is to pretend that they’re a real-life couple. Levi Walker lived – and died – to save his sister, but now he’s got a second chance at life if he can help Gemma reunite with her own sibling . . . and then never see Gemma again. But as he starts to enjoy her irrepressible personality, he’s finding it hard to abide by any rules at all. You can find A Ghost in Shining Armor by Therese Beharrie wherever books are sold! Find out more at kensingtonbooks.com.

This episode is brought to you in part by my favorite comfortable, washable shoes, Rothy’s! I really do love them this much. I just came back from a wedding, and I had Rothy’s with me! Why did I have them with me? Because they matched outfit perfectly, they were a gorgeous blue, and when it came time to help set up, clean up, clear, and – you know, you can’t go to a party without helping out, right? My feet were entirely comfortable; they didn’t even get swollen because the shoes are stretchable and elegant, and I always look perfectly dressed, even when I’m trying to be the most comfortable. When I travel, I often start with which pair of Rothy’s am I bringing? This time it was the blue Points, but I also have the Flat, the Lace Ups, and I love my new Moccasins, which are screaming hot pink. I love them so much. I cannot tell you how comfortable they are right out of the box, and I can’t tell you how much I love washing them because – actually, mine are in the wash right now. They’re washable; they’re durable; they’re comfortable. They’re all the things I love, and they’re perfect for travel when I have to be dressed up and also comfortable and taking out the trash. Find your new favorite shoes and get ready to be asked, are those Rothy’s? Which totally happened to me, by the way. Plus, you can get twenty dollars off your first purchase at rothys.com/SARAH. That’s R-O-T-H-Y-S dot com slash SARAH. And if you’d like suggestions on which pair to buy, always feel free to email me.

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All right, are you ready for silliness? We’ve got a lot of silliness. Let’s do this podcast.

[music]

Sarah: So I told you that we have a new cat.

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: Her name is Katie.

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: We adopted her because my neighbors moved out and left her behind because they were “trying” to find a home for her –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – and I was so mad – [deep breath] – that I, well, somehow convinced everybody in the house, yes, we should have another cat! That sounds great!

Amanda: Mm-hmm!

Sarah: So Katie has been getting used to us, mostly in my younger child’s room and sometimes in my older child’s room, but she loves to be in their bedrooms. She has her own little bean; she has a little, little felt nest that looks like a little bean, so she goes in her bean. She is becoming more active, and this morning when I was trying to do yoga she was standing inside my younger son’s bedroom door just yelling, and she is so small. She is a full-grown cat, but she is like half the size of Wilbur. She is teeny and wee, and she is loud when she is mad. So Lady Katie, Princess of Tails, was demanding to exit the room. Do you remember when we first adopted Orville and Wilbur, that they would just hide under the futon and we didn’t see them for like three months?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: They just hid under the futon in my office. Well, I’m currently in my office –

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: – and I have Wilbur right here, and he’s doing the Drop the Cat Food So I Can Chase It Game, so I take a piece of cat food and I flick it across the floor and he chases it.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: But guess who’s currently under the Futon of Concealment?

Amanda: Katie?!

Sarah: She demands to leave the room, she yells about the fact that she is not allowed to prance about the house, and then immediately reports to the Futon of Concealment. Like, I feel like it’s some sort of gateway portal to the rest of the house. Like, you have to –

Amanda: Maybe. Maybe she’s on an adventure!

Sarah: She’s on an adventure surrounded by all of the books that arrive in the mail that I can’t possibly read this quickly and, like, some –

Amanda: No.

Sarah: – quilting supplies. And she, so she’s under the futon, and Wilbur is here, and Wilbur seems a little stressed because he’s like, she’s under the, she’s under the futon, but she’s not talking to me? Like, they’re not yelling at each other. They stare; sometimes there’s –

Amanda: [Sneezes]

Sarah: Bless you! – sometimes there’s –

Amanda: Thank you.

Sarah: – mild growling, and then we separate them? But Wilbur is like, can we just hang out now?

Amanda: Aw!

Sarah: Like, he’s like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo, this cat; he’s like, can we just have some snacks and chill and, you know, smoke a bowl?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And Katie is just like, I demand attention! I demand freedom! Okay, from under the futon, so if you hear me go, oh shit! It’s because Katie has emerged and I need to make sure that there’s, that I don’t need to, like, human-referee some –

Amanda: Got it.

Sarah: – cat drama.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: There hasn’t been any, but, you know, I’m always nervous.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Because on one hand, Wilbur outweighs her, but he only has two teeth, and Katie is extremely small, but she has all her teeth and she used to be an outside cat, so she’s –

Amanda: Oh yeah.

Sarah: – she’s not, she, she knows how to, like, take care of her tiny self.

We brought questions.

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: You ready for silly questions?

Amanda: Yeah. One of them is not, like, super silly? One of them is very silly, and I have a prop for it –

Sarah: Oooh!

Amanda: – so yeah.

Sarah: Okay. You want to go first, you want me to go first?

Amanda: I’ll go first with my non-silly one.

Sarah: All right, bring it! Silly questions, and hopefully –

Amanda: If you could – yeah – if you could only eat one kind of food –

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: – for the rest of your life –

Sarah: Ooh!

Amanda: – like, one, one could go, like, general, like, you know, like Mexican food or Italian food –

Sarah: Or a specific food item.

Amanda: – or – yeah!

Sarah: I do love pasta.

Amanda: Yeah. What –

Sarah: I could eat pasta forever.

Amanda: What would you pick?

Sarah: Wow, that’s really interesting, ‘cause I, I started a new medication ‘cause one of my medications stopped working, and one of the side effects is that, like, I want the blandest food. My stomach is like, really, all we want here –

Amanda: Well, one of your children only eats in shades of beige, so you’re fine!

Sarah: Yes, my older, my older child, although ice cream can come in any color; that’s the exception, of course.

Amanda: Mm.

Sarah: Can I tell you the cutest thing, by the way?

Amanda: Sure!

Sarah: My older child has gotten into basketball, super into it, and it turns out my younger son likes basketball, so they came to us, and, and my older son was like, we, we would really like to subscribe to one of the NBA packages. Could we maybe, like, could we pool our allowance and subscribe to the NBA package?

Amanda: That is so cute!

Sarah: And I was like, oh! I had no idea this was even a thing! Okay, let’s, you know, we subscribed to the package, split the cost, and last night there –

Amanda: That also sounds like the title of a romance novel: Subscribing to His Package.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And it’s like an OnlyFans cam guy, like, sex worker.

Sarah: Let me tell you something about –

Amanda: There you go, guys! You can have that one for free.

Sarah: Thank you. I’ll tell them. And last night on our family Discord server, they were messaging other, hey, there’s games at 7:30; you want to meet up in the living room? Yeah, I’ll meet you in the living room; we’ll hang out. They just hung out in the living room together watching basketball –

Amanda: That is so sweet!

Sarah: – each on their own part, each on their – there’s a couch and a love seat – each on a couch, each with a quilt, totally – it was so adorable. Also, I need to tell you something before I forget, and then I swear –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – I’ll answer your question.

Amanda: Okay!

Sarah: It’s like I’ve got squirrels in my brain.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: There is a podcast for The Great British Baking Show hosted by two former contestants.

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: You remember really hot David, who won a couple years ago? He was like, he was never star baker, and this other girl –

Amanda: I’m going to google.

Sarah: – with – so it’s, his name is David Atherton, and he won. He’d never won star baker; this other person was heavily favored –

Amanda: Okay, yes.

Sarah: – and he pulled, he pulled out the win. So he is one of the hosts, and then that season –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – there was a guy named Michael, I want to say Chakraverty? I might be saying that wrong, and if I am, I apologize. He is the co-host. So it’s two very bawdy gay guys recapping Bake Off, both having been contestants.

Amanda: Interesting.

Sarah: And they say hilariously bawdy things. Like they’re talking about how you stretch out a bagel and how many fingers you need to stretch properly. I mean, it was, I was just like, I need to put the, the rotar- – ‘cause you know that I listen when I’m quilting – I have to put the rotary cutter down right now, because I’m going to cut something wrong I’m laughing so hard. They have a Patreon, and they call it their OnlyFlans.

Amanda: Oh, like –

Sarah: [Laughs] Isn’t that great? I might – and they’re like, in our Patreon OnlyFlans, you get more gossip, and I’m like, I’m sorry, more gossip?! They know how to tempt me! Anyway, it’s called the Sticky Bun Boys, and it is fantastic! Fantastic.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And if you join, you’re a member of the Soggy Bottoms.

Amanda: Oooh!

Sarah: Yeah, I know, right? Okay –

Amanda: I love, I’m loving all these, like, dirty puns.

Sarah: It’s so bawdy, I cannot recommend it more highly.

Okay, food. So on one hand, I could eat pasta for the rest of my life because –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – you can put anything on pasta.

Amanda: Yeah, it’s a very versatile food vehicle.

Sarah: But right now in this moment –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – I feel like I could eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the rest of my life and be very happy, ‘cause the only thing my stomach wants is peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Amanda: Interesting. Okay.

Sarah: So – and the thing about peanut butter and jelly is that you, you have some variation in chunky versus smooth peanut butter, and if you’re –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – if you’re going to go back to, you know, adding mayonnaise, that’s your call; you can do PB and mayonnaise. [Laughs] We’ve tried it; I’m still ambivalent. But the jelly has to be the Kirkland strawberry preserves, which are so good I could eat them with a spoon. I could get the jar and eat it with a spoon.

Amanda: I don’t really have access to a Costco because you need a vehicle to go shopping at a Costco, right?

Sarah: Yes, you do need a vehicle to go to Costco.

Amanda: I’m, I’m a basic Bon Maman bitch. Like, I love their –

Sarah: I’ve never had their jelly!

Amanda: – fancy little jams and jellies! I love their raspberry preserves; I love raspberry. That is my favorite.

Sarah: Ooh, raspberry preserves. And when you want to kill your roommate you’ve, you’ve got a murder weapon.

Amanda: Yeah! I feel so bad ‘cause I love raspberry everything. Stephanie cannot eat it. Yeah, I, I’m a basic bitch, and I love that expensive, the expensive little jars.

Sarah: Oh, do you know they have an Advent calendar?

Amanda: What? [Laughs]

Sarah: Bon Maman has an Advent calendar.

Amanda: Oh, they’re just little tiny jellies?

Sarah: Little – yes! Twenty-four little jams and jellies. I am now –

Amanda: I don’t know if I could get a full toast on that one!

Sarah: I am now a great connoisseur of Advent calendars, because, even though we don’t celebrate Christmas –

Amanda: There’s like, you’re Jewish! [Laughs]

Sarah: I’m Jewish! Good catch! Hanukkah is eight nights, and twenty-four is divisible by eight.

Amanda: Hmm!

Sarah: So last year Adam’s Hanukkah present was a bourbon and whiskey Advent calendar –

Amanda: Oh, that’s right!

Sarah: – and I basically ordered stickers from Etsy, and any Christmas stuff on the box I covered with Hanukkah stickers. So I had, like, little sufganiyot and little latkes and, you know, little, little gelt and coins and stars, and I just stuck them all over the box to, like, over the Christmas stuff? Adam was thrilled; he was so into it. And each one was a different, like, small-batch bourbon or whiskey. He was, he was so happy. So, like, I can –

Amanda: I –

Sarah: – get Advent calendars and divide them by eight. I used to do that with the Lego one.

Amanda: I have a hard time with Advent calendars, ‘cause I’ve done them before.

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: Like ones that are, like, specialty, like, soaps and stuff and, like, bath stuff?

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: I am, like, just a raccoon, and I just tear into it.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: It’s just, got to get it.

Sarah: Just a raccoon!

Amanda: I just got to get my little mischievous fingers in there! Like –

Sarah: Is this an Aries thing?

Amanda: I don’t know! Like, I, I do not have the patience or willpower to be like, okay, it’s day four! You open the little window! Okay, it’s day five! Open –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I’m like, no! I’m an adult, and I can just rip into this and get all twenty-four things at one time! I don’t have to wait! And I, that’s usually what I do, and I’m like, wow, this is over in like two seconds – [laughs] – but now I have, like, twenty-four things!

Sarah: Now I want to send you the Bon Maman Advent calendar and just, like, sign on and watch you go ham. [Laughs]

Amanda: I just, like, I, I’m that person. I don’t know if we’ve talked about this. I get so excited. I’m a, like, I don’t love Christmas, but I get excited about gift giving. And the second I get someone’s present, whether it’s Stephanie or my partner or whatever, I’m like, do you want it now? I could give it to you early; do you want it now? They’re like, no! I will wait for Christmas –

Sarah: I want it on the day!

Amanda: – I will wait for my birthday, whatever.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: And I’m like, I don’t understand! ‘Cause if you had given me that question, I would say, yes, give it to me now, please. And because they’re so steadfast, when I’m like, well, can I open my present early? They’re like, no! You will wait! And I’m like, but I don’t want to! Like, I, I get so excited.

Sarah: I am like a raccoon. Oh my gosh! [Laughs]

Amanda: I get so excited to give people gifts and to receive gifts in return. But I have yet to meet a person who will let me give them their present early! And I don’t understand why! Why would you wait when I, I’m happy to give it to you now because I want to see the look on your face because I did such a good job?!

Sarah: So there’s now, and then there’s also now-now, but not later.

So what is the answer for your question? What food could you eat for the rest of your life?

Amanda: If I’m going to loophole it and bend the rules –

Sarah: Ooh.

Amanda: – I would say Asian food, because Asia is very big.

Sarah: Oh, you – that is a very large cuisine –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – descriptor.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Mmm.

Amanda: But if we’re non-loopholing it?

Sarah: All right, I like both answers. Loophole, non-loophole.

Amanda: Yeah. Nachos.

Sarah: ‘Cause my loophole answer, my loophole answer was obviously pasta, ‘cause you can dress that up –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – any number of ways. But your non-loophole is:

Amanda: Nachos.

Sarah: Nachos. Fair! Absolutely fair!

Amanda: ‘Cause the toppings can, you could have like a barbecue nacho; you can do general, like, Mexican –

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: – nachos. You could do breakfast nachos. There, I love a, I love a crunch; I love a cronch.

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: So I think nachos if I had to, like, pick a specific dish; that’s what I would go with.

Sarah: We are going to Alisha Rai’s wedding this weekend. We’re flying out to Vegas on Thursday.

Amanda: Can’t wait for pics!

Sarah: And – I know; I’m so excited – we are going to just chill by the pool on Friday, ‘cause the –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – wedding stuff is all weekend, so we’re going to chill by the pool on Friday, and of course me, like you, likes to look at the menu ahead of time, right?

Amanda: Oh, a hundred percent.

Sarah: You’ve got to do your menu research, right?

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: So I pull up the poolside menu: they have Philly cheesesteak nachos?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: And I am so baffled by this!

Amanda: Just tucking into some nachos poolside!

Sarah: Yeah! But they have like four different kind of nachos: there’s Philly cheesesteak nachos; regular, you know, Tex-Mex nachos – and I’m like, Philly cheesesteak nachos? That’s a thing? But you know what –

Amanda: Will they bring it to you –

Sarah: – if you are –

Amanda: – in a swim-up bar?

Sarah: I don’t know if they have a swim-up bar.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I have to look. But if you are day-drinking, nachos is a great choice for food, right?

Amanda: Ooh, yeah, for sure.

Sarah: It’s salty, it’s got a little veg, it’s got a little protein, got a little cheese. Yeah, it, it –

Amanda: It’s a little greasy, a little messy.

Sarah: Yeah, it soaks up all that alcohol, so to speak. Yeah, absolutely.

All right, so, silly question, and then I’ll, I’ll end with –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – my serious question –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – which is not a serious question, but it’s, you know, seasonally –

Amanda: Mine is very silly, so I’m excited.

Sarah: Okay.

What is your best insult?

Amanda: Oh God. I don’t know! I feel like – Sarah’s known me for quite a long time, and I, I, also an Aries situation where I’m, I’m a spicy little pepper.

Sarah: I, I am aware!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: So I feel like my insults aren’t really insults? They’re just, like, facial expressions?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: So –

Sarah: You do, for the record, have a really good Really? expression. Like, are you shitting me right now? Yeah. Oh yeah.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: You have a really good Seriously, really? expression.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Really, really good one.

Amanda: I feel like one that I don’t use very often anymore is like, well, you tried!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: You, you did, you tried your best!

Sarah: Yep!

Amanda: And I come from a place –

Sarah: An attempt was made.

Amanda: An attempt was made – like a, a bless your heart?

Sarah: Bless your heart –

Amanda: For sure!

Sarah: – is just absolutely – how’s your mama? Bless your heart. Oh God, my soul just froze over.

Amanda: We’re just like, well, they seem nice, right? [Laughs]

Sarah: They seem nice is just woof!

Amanda: They seem pleasant! Yeah, so I don’t have, like, a go-to, I feel like.

Sarah: I have two levels of the best insult that I’ve ever heard –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – and then incorporated into my life. One was at a speech at a conference. I’m trying to decide how much can I reveal of who said what.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: But the keynote at a specific conference that I was at with another romance author, the keynote was a bit misguided. It was somebody who was extremely successful talking, of course, about how hard success is and that when you have it it’s so terrible to a room full of aspiring writers, which is quite a lot, and then –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – this person also read, like, inspiring letters from people who were in, I believe, refugee camps who’d read their books, and it was just so ins- – and I was just like, oh, and oh yeah. It was a lot of cringe. So at the next, the next morning at the, at, at breakfast, I’m sitting next to this person, and another individual mentions how, how much they loved the speech; they just were so inspired by it; and the person next to me said, wasn’t that interesting? And I went, oh shit. [Laughs] And I leaned over and I said, I just need you to know that I speak Midwestern? And I know what you just said? Because that’s like, that’s like the Midwestern version of bless your heart?

Amanda: Oh yeah.

Sarah: Wasn’t that different? Oh God! Yeah.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: But the, the absolute best insult I have ever heard comes from a venue that I don’t even participate in. I am not a Real Housewives of any –

Amanda: Oooh!

Sarah: – of, of any location person, but at one point, I want to say – okay, now I have to google it because I can’t, ‘cause I’m afraid I’m going to mis-, mis-credit who said it.

Amanda: Okay, I’m a, I’m a Housewives aficionado.

Sarah: So who was it that said, it is a blessing we are speaking her name right now? Was that Niecy? Or was that –

Amanda: Ooh. NeNe, NeNe Leakes?

Sarah: NeNe! It was definitely NeNe. Thank you.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: NeNe Leakes. Somebody asked her about another Housewife, and she just said, you know, it is a blessing that we are speaking her name right now, and I was just like – [deep breath] – that is the coldest thing I have ever heard, and I love it so much!

Amanda: NeNe also did the one where it’s like, I said what I said!

Sarah: I said what I said.

Amanda: One of the interesting things about my relationship is my partner is very nice. They are a very nice person. They don’t like to make waves, but I –

Sarah: Are a, you’re a spicy pepper! We just went over this!

Amanda: Yeah! I –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – I want to escalate. Like, that’s –

[Laughter]

Amanda: – that’s me. And, like, there are some days where I wake up and I’m like, I wish someone would today. I wish someone would give me a reason today.

Sarah: And yet you work in retail with the public!

Amanda: And I’m very pleasant!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: But Brian will be driving – I’m not even the driver! – and someone will just, like, forget to turn their blinker on or try to, like, pass us, and I’m already like, this motherfucker.

Sarah: [Laughs] Have you gone full Florida Woman in front of him? Has this happened yet? Is this like a relationship stage when you’re in a relationship with a Floridian and they go full Florida?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Like, is that a thing that happens?

Amanda: I don’t know what full Florida would be. Someone – I mean, like, one of Brian’s friends; we were at, like, a brewery; and he’s, like, a guy who likes to ask, like, weird questions –

Sarah: ‘Kay!

Amanda: – and it was like a bunch of the partners, the women partners; he’s like, ladies, what pet would be a red flag for you for, like, dating?

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: And I’m like, Nick, I’m from Florida.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: There are no red flag pets. My father –

Sarah: I did pudding wrestling –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – and there was a lizard in my bathtub.

Amanda: My father had a friend growing up who kept caimans in his bathtub in south Florida.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Like, we’ve owned snakes. Like, there is no red flag pet.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I’m sorry; I’m crying!

Amanda: [Laughs] Yeah, no, I will –

Sarah: Your pets don’t scare me; I’m from Florida!

Amanda: They don’t! I’ve seen baby alligators in a man’s bathtub!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: You think this impresses me, that you have a ferret? No!

Sarah: It just means things smell bad if you have a ferret.

Amanda: Yeah! They’re just stinky!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Is there –

Amanda: I – [laughs] – I will escalate. I’m like, I’m ready. And Brian’s the calming force of, like, we don’t need to do that.

Sarah: [Laughs] I don’t escalate unless I’m like, okay, I’ve hit my line, and then I’m like, here’s what we’re going to do, and here’s how you’re going to leave me alone, and we’re done now.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Like, when I get into Get Out of My Way mode, Adam’s just like, look, just, just, just do what she says. Just get out of the way. Just, just, just let her handle this. This, we’ve had enough of this mess. We’re going to un-mess the situation.

Amanda: No, Brian will roll up the car windows.

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: I don’t need these people to hear you cursing ‘cause they made a weird little driving error.

Sarah: [Still laughing] All right, what’s your next question?

Amanda: Okay –

Sarah: [Still laughing] I’m sorry; your pets don’t scare me! I’m from Florida!

Amanda: Okay, I have a prop, because this question is a Fuck, Marry, Kill question.

Sarah: Oh Jesus! Okay, hang on. Go ahead. [Shrieks]

Amanda: So we have, we have Sexy Ronald joining us today.

Sarah: All right, hang on; hold still. I’m taking a screencap. Sexy Ronald is still in the box?

Amanda: He could be worth something someday, Sarah! [Laughs] I need to preserve him!

Sarah: Could you – I mean, we’re going to put pictures in the show notes here; I will link to this; but could you describe Sexy Ronald?

Amanda: Sure! Sexy Ronald was a beloved birthday gift to me from my friend Tildy, who the minute she gave it to me was like, you need to take this ‘cause my husband needs it out of our house.

Sarah: [Laughs] Your pets and your figurines don’t scare me. I’m from Florida.

Amanda: And I knew exactly what it was. So every month I get like this newsletter of weird, like, tchotchkes and figurines? And I –

Sarah: Which is, I mean, for the record, that is Amanda catnip right there.

Amanda: Yeah. And I saw the Sexy Ronald! And everyone I talked to was like, please don’t spend human dollars on that. Don’t buy that.

Sarah: Stephanie on Twitter was like, do not!

Amanda: Do not bring that into our home!

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: Everybody I talked to did not support the Sexy Ronald. I even put him on Twitter to see if I could get at least one person to validate this purchase. Everybody was horrified. So I did not buy this for myself, but thankfully my friend Tildy bought it for me! But it is a shirtless Ronald McDonald, and he’s got his clown shoes still on –

Sarah: And he’s very ripped.

Amanda: – yeah – and knee-high yellow socks, and he’s –

Sarah: As you do.

Amanda: – he’s wearing a red little Speedo, and he’s kind of like tugging one end of the Speedo down with his hand, and –

Sarah: Sort of like a romance novel cover model.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: And then he’s, he’s displaying a little bit of pubic hair, but the pubic hair is piping hot McDonald’s french fries is what I imagine them to be.

Sarah: So he’s got fry pubes!

Amanda: Fry pubes! Yeah, you know!

Sarah: All right, so what, what Mr., Mr. Sexy Ronald Fry-Pubes, what are, what is the –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – oh God, what – I’m scared to ask.

Amanda: What’s the question? Okay, so it’s a, it’s –

Sarah: What’s – oh, so scared to ask this: what is the question? [Whimpers]

Amanda: – Fuck, Marry, Kill: Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar, and Grimace?

Sarah: Oh my God!

[Laughter]

Amanda: That’s the, that’s – [laughs] –

Sarah: I try! As you know, I have a loud laugh. I try really hard not to laugh into the microphone, and I lean away, and I swear to God, I’m going to fall off my chair!

[Laughter]

Amanda: We’ll see if our answers line up.

Sarah: Oh my, oh, oh, okay.

[Laughter]

Sarah: I didn’t even take weed today; oh my God! Okay. So –

Amanda: Pretty early for that!

Sarah: – Fuck, Marry, Kill –

Amanda: Yeah, Ronald McDonald –

Sarah: – Ronald –

Together: – the Hamburglar –

Amanda: – and Grimace.

Sarah: – and Grimace. Oh, okay. All right, so you got to kill Ronald, ‘cause that’s some creepy shit right there. You’ve got to kill Ron- –

Amanda: Interesting, okay.

Sarah: – kill Ronald. I mean, also if his, if his pubes are fries –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – then I’m not bringing the lady garden anywhere near that.

Amanda: Okay, see, my –

Sarah: Mm-hmm.

Amanda: – thought is, look, we’re, we’re all adults here, right?

Sarah: Fine, yep.

Amanda: We’ve gotten a pube in our mouth a time or two.

Sarah: Yes, but it wasn’t a french fry pube.

Amanda: But, but then it would be better if it were a french fry!

Sarah: [Laughs] I – ooh-kay, I’m never going to look at french fries the same way again!

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Okay. All right.

Amanda: You’re on, like, a road trip and Adam says, do you want to stop at McDonald’s? You’re like, no. No McDonald’s for me.

Sarah: Oh, I’m sorry; I cannot road food. No, mm-mm, nope, sorry.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: All right, so I’m going to kill Ronald ‘cause clowns are creepy.

Amanda: Okay. Okay.

Sarah: I would marry the Hamburglar –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – because either his life of crime will provide burgers, which is good, or –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – he’ll be imprisoned, and that means one less person for me to deal with.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: Also, when we lived in New Jersey – I think this is still true – in Bloomfield, off, right off of the Garden State Parkway in Bloomfield there’s a McDonald’s, and you can get off the Garden State and go to McDonald’s, or you can go to it locally – like, it’s in between a residential neighborhood and the highway – and they have Grimace, Mayor McCheese, and the Hamburglar, but they’re all behind bars.

Amanda: They’re in jail!

Sarah: There’s, like, they’re, they’re behind some barrier, and I’m guessing it’s so that, you know, people don’t steal them, ‘cause if you could steal –

Amanda: Yeah, yeah.

Sarah: – Mayor McCheese you would steal Mayor McCheese.

Amanda: For sure. Yeah.

Sarah: Obviously you would want that on your front lawn. Forget that –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – twelve-foot skeleton; you want Mayor McCheese!

Amanda: Yeah. Mayor McCheese, yeah.

Sarah: So they’re all in jail, and I used to sit in the drive-through and be like, was there some kind of conspiracy how this happened?

Amanda: What are their crimes?

Sarah: I don’t know! But, I mean, clearly the Hamburglar and Mayor McCheese, if they’re both in prison, had something, you know, they might have been working together, so either way –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – marry Hamburglar –

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: – because that, in terms of long-term hamburger benefits would be –

Amanda: Yeah. And you would fuck Grimace.

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: You’re going to go on the record here.

Sarah: Yes.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: Oh my God. I hope my children never listen to this podcast.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: ‘Cause – [laughs] – my younger, my younger child was like, Mom, can we do a podcast where I talk to you about books and tell you what I’m reading? And I’m like, are you kidding? Anytime. Right now? Later? Anytime. Absolutely. I would love to know what you’re –

Amanda: And then you, we have this.

Sarah: And then we have this. Sorry, children.

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: I’m sorry.

Amanda: I would –

Sarah: Okay.

Amanda: Yeah, I would marry Ronald McDonald.

Sarah: Because fry pubes.

Amanda: For money! For money!

Sarah: Oh, for money, not for the fries.

Amanda: Oh, for sure! He’s loaded! He’s the face of the brand!

Sarah: Mmm, good point, good point! Maybe you –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – don’t need a life of crime.

Amanda: I would fuck the Hamburglar, ‘cause he’s the bad boy! He’s the, you know, the criminal.

Sarah: Yeah. And you can –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – you can fix him.

Amanda: Maybe! We’ll see! And then we can conspire together to murder my clown burger husband.

Sarah: Ohhh!

Amanda: That just came to me.

Sarah: This is an interesting theory! Right.

Amanda: But also kill Grimace because he is a crime against God. What is Grimace?

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: What is he?

Sarah: What did Grimace ever do to you?

Amanda: What – I feel like the existence of Grimace violates something in the Geneva Conventions. Like –

Sarah: [Laughs] See, I think Grimace and the Boo Berry ghost and Franken Berry are all friends.

Amanda: Yeah. I feel like they’re related somehow.

Sarah: Also, did you know that Grimace, according to this pin I’m looking at, Grimace has multiple arms?

Amanda: What is Grimace? What is he?

Sarah: I don’t know. Maybe Grimace is related to Gritty.

Amanda: Ooh!

Sarah: You think Grimace, Gritty, and the Boo Berry ghost are, like, buds and they hang out?

Amanda: I feel like if we tweeted at Gritty if he’s related to Grimace, we might get a response.

Sarah: Gritty would tell us!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: It’s the eyes, I feel like. The big, lifeless eyes.

Sarah: Yes. The big, staring, lifeless – I don’t know what Grimace is! Maybe a –

Amanda: What is a Grimace?

Sarah: – a sentient, is he a sentient milkshake?

Amanda: He looks – but he’s purple!

Sarah: That’s true.

Amanda: There’s nothing on McDonald’s menu that’s purple. What is Grimace? Let’s see google. [Laughs]

Sarah: Oh no, first google of the episode and we’re finding out what Grimace is because I said –

Amanda: What is Grimace?

Sarah: – I was going to fuck him. Oh boy.

Amanda: What is Grimace supposed to be?

Sarah: A sentient gumdrop?

Amanda: He’s a rotund, purple being of indeterminate species.

Sarah: Well, there you go. [Laughs] And I have apparently volunteered to have sexual congress with it.

Amanda: So –

Sarah: Whoo! Yeah!

Amanda: Someone’s like, is Grimace a giant taste bud?

Sarah: Oh gross! Oh gross!

Amanda: Yep.

Sarah: All right, why is that my line? I don’t know, but that’s nasty.

Amanda: I don’t know.

Sarah: Bleah! Yucky, yucky, yucky.

Amanda: Okay.

Sarah: All right.

Amanda: Well, there we go. That was my –

Sarah: Wow. That was a good question. I, I feel –

Amanda: Thank you! [Laughs]

Sarah: I feel like I know things now.

All right, so since it’s spooky season –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – what is a paranormal encounter you’ve been through?

Amanda: So I’ve only – well, I don’t know if we want to count my medium reading that I did?

Sarah: Oh!

Amanda: That was pretty, pretty cool?

Sarah: Yeah?

Amanda: And very emotional. But one that I wasn’t really expecting or whatever, I was at a friend’s house one time and we were sitting on their futon bed, and they had this end table next to their futon bed, and it had like a book and a coaster and, you know, like water or whatever, and the table just starts shaking.

Sarah: Oooh!

Amanda: Table just starts shaking hard enough that, like, the paperback book gets knocked off, and I remember it was the, A Wizard of Earthsea was the book.

Sarah: Ohhh.

Amanda: It’s –

Sarah: But just the table is shaking.

Amanda: Yeah, just the table is shaking. Now, like, the table is not against a wall where, like, the washer’s running.

Sarah: Right.

Amanda: Like, this is the only thing that is shaking in the room, and the book falls off, and I’m like, what the fuck was that?

Sarah: And you jump up ready to fight the ghost, right?

Amanda: I’m just ready.

[Laughter]

Sarah: Brian’s like, I’ve got to lower all the windows before you fight this ghost. Hang on; I don’t want any of the neighbors to hear this.

Amanda: Just throwing punches into, like –

Sarah: Yeah!

Amanda: – thin air. But my friend was like, oh, that’s my grandmother’s end table, and sometimes it just shakes, and we think it’s like her ghost. She’s like, this is the only thing in my room that I, like, have of hers, but it was her end table –

Sarah: Oooh!

Amanda: – in her house, and when she died this was, like, one of the things that we took from her house.

Sarah: Oh dear!

Amanda: Yeah! So that’s, like, really been the only, besides the medium reading that I did following the death of my dad, this was like the only other, like, paranormal encounter I’ve had?

Sarah: And for the record, you lived with weird pets in north Florida –

Amanda: Yeah! Yeah!

Sarah: – which is apparently a very haunted place.

Amanda: I mean, we’ve had, we just write it off as our dogs are weird. Like, they’re –

Sarah: [Laughs]

Amanda: – they’re usually rescues, so –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – they’re just a little off.

Sarah: Yeah. Wow!

Amanda: So yeah, I haven’t had, like, many spooky encounters? But, like, that one, there was, like, there wasn’t really any way to be like, why is this table shaking? It’s not, like, connected to anything; it’s not, like, sharing a wall where, like, a washer is going –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – or some other piece of machinery.

Sarah: That’s wild!

Amanda: Nothing else is shaking!

Sarah: Oooh!

Amanda: But it was, like, vibrating and shaking enough to, like –

Sarah: Knock a book down!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Wow.

Amanda: So that’s, like, the only thing that I can remember. But the medium reading I did was pretty, pretty interesting; pretty, not, like, creepy, but it was very interesting, like, the things that, like, came up that I don’t think could have been gleaned any other way?

Sarah: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Amanda: Like knowing what I was wearing when my, the last time I saw my dad and, like, little things from my childhood.

Sarah: Wow!

Amanda: So that was, like, really emotional. I know we talked about it on the podcast –

Sarah: Yeah.

Amanda: – with Carol. But yeah, that was, like, pretty interesting. But those are like the two that I would suggest –

Sarah: Wow. That’s cool!

Amanda: – I think. Yeah. What about you, Sarah?

Sarah: Well, I told you about the ghost at the inn in Maryland –

Amanda: Yes!

Sarah: – the ghost who –

Amanda: The Nora Roberts inn!

Sarah: In the Nora Roberts inn, the ghost woke me up by messing with my phone, and then I ended up meeting this lovely pair of women, and then we had dinner together and had this lovely, lovely time together, and it was one of the –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – their last vacations together, ‘cause the, the mom of the duo was very ill with cancer, and the trip to the Nora Roberts signing was, was something that they did, I think it might have been like around Mothers Day.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So that, but see, that just happened to me, and I can tell that story, and, and there’s lots of, like, explanations: oh, your phone was just malfunctioning!

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: Oh, this was just weird. And there’s no reason for my phone to make phone calls and then make the doo-doo-doo! The number you have reached –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – cannot be connected.

Amanda: And it’s not something that’s happened before, either.

Sarah: No, and there was no record of outgoing calls in the call log, either. But, you know, according to the innkeeper at that time, the ghost, whose name is Elizabeth –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – likes to mess with technology! Like, okay.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: I get it.

Amanda: Sure!

Sarah: So the ghost, the paranormal encounter that I’ve had where I had a witness was when, was right after Orville died. So Orville and Wilbur are, were both orange buds, they’re orange bros, and they had to be adopted together, and Orville was very, very big.

Hi, Linus. I love how, like –

Amanda: Yeah, he’s leaving. [Laughs]

Sarah: – over your shoulder the door has just opened –

Amanda: Yep.

Sarah: – and I’m like – [gasps] – ghostly things! Nah, it’s just the cat.

Amanda: Just the cat.

Sarah: So Wil-, Wilbur and Orville had to be adopted together. They were littermates, and Orville had a lot of health problems. He had megacolon; he required special food; he required a lot of help to move his bowels, poor thing. It’s a very cat poop episode today.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: And Orville died very suddenly one morning. Adam brought him his breakfast, and we used to mix his meds into a, a, a dehydrated raw meat food with hot water, so it smelled really good and covered the smell of the medication, and he died having breakfast! Sometimes cats just check out. They’re like, all right, thanks, been great, bye.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: And he just, he, we used to feed him on the cabinet, and he fell off the cabinet, and that was it! And Adam came running downstairs to get me off the treadmill. He’s like, well, Orville just, Orville just collapsed; I don’t know what to do. And I’m, like, googling how do you take a cat’s pulse. Like, I didn’t know –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and I was like, no, he’s, he’s definitely, definitely checked out.

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: He has, he has exited – and, you know, if you’re going to go, faced, purring at your breakfast is a –

Amanda: Sure!

Sarah: – perfectly lovely way. So we used to give him morning meds and night meds, and then, you know, we would give him this rehydrated food; we’d also give some to Wilbur. That night we were like, oh, you know, we don’t have to prep his meds. That’s really sad. And Wilbur was downstairs, and both dogs were downstairs, and the kids were both in bed, and we hear upstairs in the hallway thump-thump-thump-thump-thump, and then the sound of Orville meowing.

Amanda: [Gasps]

Sarah: And –

Amanda: I got goosebumps, Sarah!

Sarah: – Wilbur turned around, and the dogs looked up the stairs, and I looked at Adam and I said, you heard that, right? And he’s like, yeah, what was that? I’m like, I think that was Orville. I think, yeah, that was Orville. That was, that was his – and Adam –

Amanda: Oh my gosh!

Sarah: And Adam was like, I mean, I guess. And he doesn’t believe in ghosts or anything like that –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – but you could tell he was like, I definitely heard that; it was –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – definitely not Wilbur. We’re looking at him, and Wilbur just sort of looked at the stairs and then looked back at us and was like, yeah, okay, mm-hmm! So I kept noticing that Wilbur wouldn’t come back into my office, which is where Orville died, and I went in my office, and I said, Orville, we are going to take great care of Wilbur. We’re going to make sure he’s very happy. We’re going to always take care of him. You don’t have to stay here; you can go. It’s okay. It’s all right to leave. We’re going to take good care of your brother, and thank you for being our cat. And we never –

Amanda: Oh!

Sarah: – we never heard the noises again, and Wilbur would come in and relax in the room, and then we, you know, we just sort of moved on. But every time Adam’s like, oh yeah, I don’t believe in ghosts, I’m like, so what about that time we heard Orville?

Amanda: [Laughs]

Sarah: What about that time we heard –

Amanda: We don’t talk about that. [Laughs]

Sarah: And Orville was a very big cat, so when he moved around –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – he – I mean, you remember that cat diagram?

Amanda: Yes.

Sarah: He was Oh Lawd He Comin’. He was a big –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – man. He was a large, beefy –

Amanda: Yeah he was.

Sarah: – lovely cat; he was very big. And yeah, he made noise when he walked, and all the other pets were downstairs. So every time Adam is like, yeah, I don’t believe in ghosts I’m like, really? ‘Cause I was there when we both heard –

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: – that thing. That’s right. Yep.

And I’ve lived in haunted houses before. Like, our cat, our house in Jersey City was definitely haunted, ‘cause all the cats would watch the same thing that I couldn’t see moving around.

Amanda: Ohhh!

Sarah: Yeah, but that was, that was a very old house, and clearly somebody had lived on the first floor because a full bath had been put on, put in on the first floor –

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: – and the dining room had clearly been, like, there was a cable hookup, and there were lots of extra outlets, so it, like, made me think, oh, maybe there was medical equipment?

Amanda: Yeah.

Sarah: So whoever lived on the first floor of the house, if they still lived there, that’s cool, whatever, but the pets could totally see.

So that was, that’s probably the most recent paranormal encounter that I’ve been through.

Amanda: Yeah, the table one was like maybe ten years ago.

Sarah: But you remember it, right? Like, you remember the name of the book.

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Oh, for sure!

Amanda: Yeah, of course!

Sarah: Absolutely. It’s weird how when you have something creepy like that, your brain kind of presses record, and it’s like, let’s hold onto that! [Laughs]

Amanda: Yeah!

Sarah: Thanks, brain!

Amanda: I wish I had more, like, ghost-y stuff; that would be cool! But yeah, I just –

Sarah: You know what we should do. We should ask people who are listening to tell us their paranormal encounters.

Amanda: Yes, please!

Sarah: And then we can recap them. You can call us; you can call 201-371-3272, or you can just record a voice memo on your phone and email it to us: [email protected], or you can just email us: Sarah and Amanda at Smart Bitches, Trashy Books dot com [[email protected] and [email protected]] are each of our email addresses; you can email us. But if you had a paranormal encounter we want to hear about it! Tell us your ghostly stories.

Amanda: For sure!

Sarah: Yeah.

[music]

Sarah: And that brings us to the end of this week’s episode. Thank you, Amanda, for bringing silly questions. I want to know the answers that you have to our silly questions, especially the one about Grimace? I, I would like to not be alone in answering this question, so tell me your answers! You can email us at [email protected], you can leave a message at 201-371-3272, you can record a voice memo and just email it to me, but I would love to hear from you. I really need to know your answer; please don’t leave me alone in answering this question. Please? Pretty please? [Laughs]

We have a joke, always end with a bad joke, and this joke comes from Nico. Thank you, Nico! Are you ready to torture everyone you know with this terrible joke? I’m here for you! That’s, that’s why we do this.

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

To cover their butt-quacks.

Butt-quack! [Laughs] Butt-quack! Thank you, Nico!

You know you can always email me jokes; it’s like my favorite thing? Like, I’ll open my email and there’s absolutely astonishingly bad covers and jokes! Bad jokes! My email inbox is a wondrous place.

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you the very best of reading. Have a great weekend, and we’ll see you back here next week.

Smart Podcast, Trashy Books is part of the Frolic Podcast Network. You can find outstanding podcasts to subscribe to at frolic.media/podcasts.

Butt-quacks! [Laughs]

[fun music]