Elyse Watches The Bachelor – S23 E7: Who Wants Some Alcohol?

Happy Monday, Bitchery! Well, it’s Tuesday now. But, as I write this, it’s the day of the week when we check in on the hot mess that is The Bachelor and fortify ourselves with rum while we do it.

Last week, Sydney, Katie and Demi went home. That leaves seven women remaining, and Colton, who is apparently taking this VERY SERIOUSLY, is starting to have doubts.

We open up with Colton freaking out that Katie, Sydney and Demi all told him there were women left in the group who “aren’t there for the right reasons.” He genuinely seems to think that most of the contestants are here for marriage to a guy they’ve known for two days as opposed to free travel, exposure to potential fame, and booze.

Bless his heart.

We leave Vietnam and go back to Colton’s hometown of Denver. It’s unusual to have this many contestants at the point when they meet The Bachelor’s family, and Colton tells us next week is Hometowns (which is usually the third to last episode), and I have to wonder…is this a condensed season? Is there some hope yet for my sanity? And my liver?

We’ve seen Colton jump a fence in previews. Maybe he just runs off into the night and Chris Harrison can’t chase him down.

The Rose God would not be pleased.

Colton meets up with Ben Higgins, The Bachelor from season twenty. Ben was kind of a fan favorite and honestly if he just wants to take over the rest of the season, I’d be fine with it. Ben tells him that the next couple of weeks will be “intense” and “joy-filled” which sounds to me more like bringing home a newborn than fake dating seven women, but okay I guess.

Colton explains his anxieties to Ben, and it just comes out in a glut of Bachelor buzz words like “here for the right reasons,” “question the relationships I have,” and “I need to know they’re ready.”

Ready for a six month TV engagement and then a stint on Dancing with the Stars?

Then Colton meets the women at a park. He has Sniper, his senior Labrador retriever, with him and the women all squee over the dog, which is super understandable.

The first date goes to Tayshia. She, Colton, and Sniper walk around downtown Denver. They eat oysters and sample wine. Sniper likes a nice sauvignon blanc. Then they stop at a dog-friendly ice cream parlor. Sniper gets his own cone.

Over drinks Colton tells Tayshia that he know that the other women weren’t talking about her.

“I am not questioning your readiness,” he says. He tells her his biggest fear is falling madly in love and not having it returned or making a horrible mistake in the woman he chooses.

Then he basically asks her to talk shit about the other women.

Notice he doesn’t really care about Tayshia’s feelings, which he thinks are genuine. He wants her to gossip about the women she’s been spending way more time with than him, and to make her to the work to help him make a choice that protects him from rejection.

I never thought I’d say this… I kinda miss Nick Viall.

[Ed. note: Whoa.]

Tayshia tells him that Caelynn and Cassie are more interested in becoming the next Bachelorette than getting engaged to Colton. WHICH DUH.

Colton is really upset.

Then we get a shot outside the restaurant where Colton is squatting and moaning like he’s about to have diarrhea.

I guess the intestinal distress passes, because Colton and Tayshia move to a conveniently located kitchen where they cook salmon and Brussels sprouts. Sniper snoozes on the couch.

Colton asks about her family and Tayshia tells him that her dad might have a hard time with their relationship because he’s protective of her.

Colton tells her that it would be hard for him to get down on one knee without a father’s approval.

Then Colton gives her the date rose. Sniper slumbers on, totally oblivious. Colton shows her his bedroom and calls it “the room where the magic doesn’t happen.” Then she puts on his football jersey and they make out for awhile.

Colton says he’s falling in love with Tayshia.

Later Tayshia and Kirpa chat in bed with mugs of coffee. Tayshia admits that she told Colton that Caelynn and Cassie talked about being the next Bachelorette and aren’t ready to settle down. Kirpa says she did the right thing, and that she’ll confirm the story if she talks to Colton.

The next one-on-one date is with Caelynn. Colton takes her snowboarding. Sadly, Sniper is not in attendance.

Colton tells her that he wants to talk about the rumors that she’s not ready to get engaged and that she’s just there to be the next Bachelorette.

“The only person who knows if I’m ready for marriage is me. And I am. I’m 100% ready. I can see a future with us, and a life with us,” she says.

“See and that’s what, for me, is so concerning. I was just told the opposite yesterday. I’m hearing two completely different things right now,” Colton replies. “I’m trying to understand why someone would go out of their way to say that if there was no truth behind it.”

In a cutaway Caelynn tells the camera, “How the [BLEEP] would Tayshia know if I’m ready or not? There’s only so much you can say when someone legit pulls a lie out of their ass. Like where the [BLEEP] did that come from? My feelings are so strong and I feel like my future was just ripped away from me because there’s an insecure 28 year old girl running around the house. Dude, I better get a [BLEEP] rose because I will call that stupid bitch out.”

Well that …escalated

So then we get to the dinner portion of the date. They both look tired and emotionally wrung out.

“I feel more confused than ever,” Colton tells the camera while crying. This from the dude who showers seven times a day, sometimes outdoors.

Caelynn tells him that she wants not only to get engaged to him, but also to get married and have kids with him. Reminder, she’s probably spent a total of twelve hours alone with him.

“She is here for me,” Colton says and gives her the date rose.

Then we get one of those pop up concert things.

“I invited my friend Brett Young to play a special song tonight,” Colton tells her.

“Colton!” she gasps. “No!”

Caelynn, he didn’t do shit. I bet someone whispered that dude’s name into his ear five seconds ago.

Caelynn tells the camera that she’s in love with Colton.

The next morning, Caelynn and Cassie discuss what Tayshia said about them. Caelynn confronts Tayshia. Tayshia says that she didn’t go on her date with Colton to talk about the other girls, but Colton asked her directly what she thought and she told him. Both Tayshia and Caelynn hold firm that the other woman is lying.

I really want to believe that this is just some storyline they’re acting out on a producer’s suggestion so they can both be eliminated before Fantasy Suites.

On the next one-on-one date, Colton takes Hannah B to meet his parents. Colton goes outside and talks to his dad about how incredible Hannah is, and that she told him she was falling in love with him, but admits that he doesn’t feel the same way about her yet.

“This is where I knew it was going to start getting really hard on you,” his dad says. “Because family is so important to you.”

Huh?

Colton makes another imminent-diarrhea groan.

Inside the house, Colton’s mom asks Hannah B if she’s in love with Colton and she replies enthusiastically, “Yes!” To be fair she’s holding a glass of red wine in every shot, and if someone I was casually dating “surprised” me with a trip to meet their parents, I’d be getting shitfaced too.

Later, in the car, Hannah B senses something is off and asks Colton if he’s okay. He replies “yes,” absently.

At dinner, Hannah B is wearing this amazing shimmery pink dress with puff sleeves. It looks like something straight from my 80’s Barbie-pink childhood and I love it.

Colton asks her how she knows she’s ready for marriage and Hannah tells him that she’s falling in love with him, and that she dates “for marriage.” I don’t know what that means.

Colton tells her, “You’ve been open, honest and vulnerable this entire time. But I think coming into this week, I spent so much time questioning who was ready that I didn’t look in the mirror and ask myself, am I ready? And I don’t know if I’m there.”

Hannah B looks pissed. As she gets in the Limo of Tears she says to him, “Just listen to people…about things. And their intentions.”

Honestly, I hope she’s just fucking with him now.

After Colton closes the limo door she turns to the camera and says, “I’m [BLEEP] pissed.”

“Tonight, I’m sending a woman home that has made it clear that she’s ready for marriage,” Colton says. “I’m just hoping that I’m on the right track and I’m not setting myself up for disaster.”

The last date is a group date with Hannah G, Cassie, Kirpa and Heather. They take a scenic train tour. Then they stop for cocktails and there are two roses sitting conspicuously on the table.

Heather tells the camera that she was really hoping for more one-on-one time with Colton, but it didn’t happen, and she’s struggling with the idea of introducing him to her family. She pulls him aside and tells him that she’s not 100% ready to move forward with him yet.

That makes her the third woman to walk off the show, which I’m pretty sure is a record. Colton stares off into the distance. Great work, champ!

“With Heather gone, there are still three women here,” Colton says, proving he can count to three.

He talks to Cassie alone. She tells him that this week has been hard. She tells him she’s shocked that Tayshia would say she’s not ready to get engaged. “I don’t know why someone would make that up,” she says, tearfully.

She tells him that her family means everything to her, and she wouldn’t want to bring him home to meet them unless she was serious.

Later Kirpa tells Colton that Cassie and Caelynn got defensive when they were all in Asia and Colton was talking about some of them being there for the wrong reasons.

Later Cassie accuses Kirpa of lying. The two of them start fighting while Hannah G stares blankly into the distance looking like she’d rather be having dental surgery.

Colton comes back to the drinking table. He picks up the two roses and says he doesn’t know what he wants to do with them yet. They go to dinner. Colton tells them that he’s had time to reflect and he did get clarity on one thing. He asks Hannah G to step outside with him.

Cassie and Kirpa sit awkwardly at the table. We hear Hannah G giggle outside. Colton returns to the table to get one of the roses.

Back at their hotel, Caelynn and Tayshia are chatting amicably almost like people who aren’t really feuding. We know the truth, ABC.

Then Caelynn says she won’t be okay if Cassie goes home due to false rumors, and she ambushes the date.

“I’m sick of girls tearing other girls down,” Caelynn tells Colton. “I’d hate for you to send someone home you have a connection with.”

Honestly at this point I hope this is just an elaborate plot by all the remaining ladies to fuck with Colton’s head.

Colton comes back to the table where Cassie and Kirpa are waiting and gives Cassie the rose. Kirpa doesn’t seem to be too upset to be going home until she gets in The Limo of Tears and starts crying.

Colton says he can picture a future with Cassie and that he’s falling in love with her.

So that was two straight hours of drama and not enough booze to wash it down with.

Are you still watching? Are you here for the right reasons?