Welcome back to Cover Snark!
Amanda: This gives me Barbie animated movie vibes.
Sarah: His head is so big, and his neck is so long, and I’m also confused by the size of her head and the length of her arms.
This is giving me the uncanny valley vibes of that one Julie Anne Long Cover – not the smirking git one, the giant head lady one.
This one:
Sarah: “Head too big, arms too short” will be the name of my podcast about disturbing cover art.
Elyse: That’s similar to my favorite kitten/puppy stage “ears too big, legs too long”
Sarah: His neck is long, right? It’s not just me?
Elyse: I think it’s not long, it’s broken.
Sarah: “How.”
” How what?”
” How did you know that my father was Gumby?”
” Everyone knows your father is Gumby, my lord.”
Elyse: LMAO
Sarah: “I thought we had hidden it.”
“You thought you had hidden your lineage and connection to Lord Gumbert Rubberthwaite, Earl of Stretetshingtonshoreley?”
…
“Which is pronounced ‘Stretchley?’ Really, you thought that was a secret?”
Elyse: I would read that book.
From Kelly B: One-the title is Behind the Net but they are clearly in front of the net. And two-the physics required to sit on a hockey net like that.
Sarah: This is just awful on so many gravitational and proportional levels.
Amanda: Girl has got to be engaging her core like crazy.
Also from Kelly B: This is the only clinch cover I’ve seen with an active escape attempt by the heroine. Her entire being is recoiling from his pursuit.
Sarah: What is happening. His breath must be deadly.
Shana: She looks like she’s playing dead in the hopes that he will take his horrible breath far far away
Amanda: It’s very similar to the swerve my cats do when I try to kiss their little kitty heads.
I have concerns about Ms Net’s right leg. At first I thought hockey dude had both her legs under his right arm, which, maybe, could work if he was very strong, which he presumably is, but then I saw that his body is between her legs. Maybe her right leg isn’t attached at the hip? Just floating in the air…?
Speaking of right-side limbs. Does Mr. Princess’s right arm exist?
Plot summary: He loses his grip on her hips and drops her weight on the top of the net, they fall down, dragging the net with them, it flips over and lands in front of them, and then they are behind the net. The end.
Maybe she’s perched on the crossbar? But then his hand is going through where a crossbar would be/should be, so have we considered that perhaps he’s a ghost hockey player and is using mental ghost power to balance her?
(Or the artist forgot to look up what hockey nets look like?)
BitchFan is right, where is Mr Princess’s right arm? Is the lack of a right arm why his left arm is unnaturally long?
I’m concerned about how tiny Ms Net is compared to Mr Net, her body is just three quarters the length of his (yes, of course I measured both). Maybe that’s why he’s holding her up with no effort, there’s nothing to her? But I also don’t understand why she has her legs stretched out, you automatically give a leg hug in those circumstances in my admittedly limited experience.
As for the Countess and her Groom I wonder if they are both about to pass out because of the smoke that seems to be inside the gazebo(?) they are clenching in?
So many questions.
The Julie Ann Long cover dude looks like Langford on the Pitt! He’s eyeing her like that because he’s wondering if she might have benzos hidden in a drawer of the chifforobe.
Stretch Armstrong there is about to heave that princess head-first into that fountain. As soon as he finds his other arm.
And that’s only half a hockey net. All concerned are about to collapse onto the ice for lack of support.
Ms Duchess is like “If I can’t get away from you I’ll just close my eyes and pretend you’re somebody I WANT to be with.”
Charis usually shares the real photos used to create the covers on her IG, so something wonky must happen when they go from real photos to the illustrated look with whichever program is used.
Say Yes: Arms too short, head too big… secretly T. Rex? That has very Chuck Tingle vibes.
Behind the Net: Street clothes (especially those slip-ons) and the rink don’t mix very well. Maybe a better title would be Flat on My Butt, especially since the net is about to fall over, too?
It looks more like the Countess has been groomed, and I don’t mean “carefully coiffed.”
I agree with most of the other comments but what struck me most is how big the man’s head is on “The Countess’s Groom.” It really looks out of proportion, as if he’s much closer to the photographer than she is as things in the distance are usually smaller (in spite of the fact they’re embracing). Just looks weird.
As a hockey nerd: you CAN sit on a hockey net – Kari Lehtonen did it in full goalie gear – but probably not THAT hockey net, as it is…not a hockey net. Where are the crossbar and back post? Could the artist not take 30 seconds to google a reference photo?
Nets are anchored into the ice a bit, though they use breakaway pegs so the net can still move or tip over if a player collides with it hard enough (or if the goalie has a temper tantrum). But apparently they’re sturdy enough for a 200lb player in 40lb of gear to easily hop on top – there’s video of Lehtonen doing it: https://youtu.be/aK34NU_oRPo
So I don’t mind her sitting on the net, but the proportions and positioning are…perplexing. And the easily avoidable wrongness of the net is irritating. It’s also amusing me to imagine them gingerly and unsexily mincing and waddling across the ice in street shoes to reach the net for their big kiss.
(Also: oh, those Julie Ann Long covers. Palace of Rogues is my all-time favorite series EVER, but some of the covers…oof. The smirking git one – My Season of Scandal – is the best book in the series, but the cover is actively repellent.)