It’s time for The Bachelor and Muzzy and I are tucked in to watch.
We’re getting a LOT of snow today which means once this disaster of a show is over, it’s time to binge watch old episodes of ER and knit.
On a side note, has anyone else starting watching The Pitt and gotten MAJOR ER vibes?
I love it. Oh, Noah Wylie, one of my first TV crushes…
[ed. note: I saw him in a restaurant and he is incredibly good looking, more than on tv, which was a substantial amount of good looking.]
Anyway, we open with the ladies sitting on the drinking couches and one of them says, “Grant ticks all of the boxes.”
Muzzy: Yeah, the litterboxes.
The first group date is basketball themed. As this franchise as continued to go down hill the Bachelors have increasingly lacked… what’s the word…
Muzzy: A discernable personality.
Right. So since they’re bland AF they make their whole personality one of their interests. Grant played basketball in school so we’ll hear about this constantly.
A bunch of kids (maybe 8ish?) are going to coach the contestants in playing basketball.
Natalie isn’t very good at basketball, but she’s a PhD student who works with kids and when a little girl gets overwhelmed and winded, she sits with her and does some relaxation exercises and it’s genuinely very sweet.
Zoe steals Grant during the competition and they go up to the roof to chat which annoys everyone, but mostly the kids who are already super bored.
They split up into teams and the MVP will win Grant’s letterman jacket.
Team Purple has the height advantage both but teams are equally…not good.
Hilariously, there are fake nails all over the floor. The women are losing nails left and right. At one point the ref is trying to match nails to girls.
The purple team wins 18-2. Chloie gets MVP.
Muzzy: I would pee on that jacket.
During the group cocktail hour, the other girls complain about Zoe stealing Grant. They say she’s disrespectful.
Zoe disagrees and says they’ve all got one shot at this.
Then Zoe steals Grant again when he’s talking to Juliana. The audacity!
So then Alli Jo goes to interrupt Zoe.
Zoe later interrupts her back.
Then everyone fights and I disassociate for awhile. Muzzy goes to find her Big Dumb Boyfriend Fisher so she can snuggle his fluffy tummy.
The group date rose goes to Natalie who so far as stayed out of the drama.
We cut back to the McMansion and the women are finding spiders outside by the pool and the spiders are 100% more interesting than the group date.
The one-on-one date goes to Alexe. There is still no sighting of Linda the llama but I hope she’s living her best life in LA.
The date starts at a mall.
The bar has dropped so low, you guys. So low.
The mall is empty and they ride those animals around and man I hate those things. First of all, I hate, HATE the mall so if I’m there it’s because I really need something I can’t have shipped in time. Then there are like a million people riding those animals or pushing their kids in racecar strollers and they are in the way of everyone and they have zero situational awareness and I just…
Okay, maybe I need to settle down.
Also a “we get to hang out at an empty mall” date is cool when you’re fourteen or if it’s 1988. They’re running out of ideas big time.
During dinner, which I assume is Sbarro, Alexe tells him she didn’t have a traditional family growing up and became a speech therapist to support kids the way she wanted to be supported.
The next day it’s time for the second group date. They go to a theater where Mario serenades them.
The women will be writing an original song and performing it before a live audience.
Grant starts them off by singing an original song for the ladies, so we know exactly what his angle for going on the show is.
Muzzy: I do not have high hopes for his career.
Note: He apparently did release a song called “Party Girl” ahead of this season.
So then the ladies come out, do a little group dance, and then each of them has a solo. Most of them look mortified and I have such secondhand embarrassment. Most of them also end by grinding in his lap.
Muzzy: I’m going to lick my butthole instead of watching this.
Carolina wins the date.
During the cocktail portion the group is weirdly quiet and it’s very awkward for everyone. Litia tells him that she wants to get married and have a family and she’s sick of dating.
Muzzy: Definitely great she’s on the show then.
Litia gets the group date rose.
The pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party is pretty boring. We get some snippets of conversations between the ladies and Grant but there’s no drama.
Bailey is emotional and feeling vulnerable and teary most of the night.
Allyshia, Ella, Rebekah and Vicky go home.
The way the other women comfort those who are going home and cry for and with them once again supports my theory that the women are here for free booze, travel and to make friends with each other. Forget this guy.
Well that’s it. I’m going to turn on ER and Noah Wylie. Who was your first TV crush?
Toss up between Adam West in Batman or Michael Landon in Bonanza.
Joey from Blossom. (Whoa!). Or Uncle Jesse from Full House. That was definitely the age at which a mall date would have appealed to me.
I’m really dating myself here but Leonard Nimoy as Mr Spock always fascinated me. Bobby Sherman from Here come the Brides was a distant second.
Really dating myself here…. Davy Jones of the Monkees. Also, does anyone even go to the mall anymore? Ours lost Sears years ago, and Macy’s during the pandemic, so we’re down to JCPenney and Dillards. So not surprising they announced not long ago that they’re shutting the whole thing down. I mean, when the MALL gets their power cut off for non-payment, you know they’re hurting.
I didn’t realize it was a crush at the time, but Catherine Bach on Dukes of Hazard. I’m cringing writing this, but 12 yo me was unaware of sexism and racism in the show and I just thought she was so pretty and smart – her character could rebuild an engine in the dark! And I had feelings about how good she looked in tight jeans.
Also, Kate Jackson on Charlie’s Angels.
The show sounds terrible but Muzzy is adorable.
Hmmm, I guess my little baby bi self was very invested in the relationship of Tom Paris and B’elanna Torres on Star Trek: Voyager, so that was probably the first TV crush I can really remember.
As always, thank you and the Lady Muzzleton for your service.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt on 3rd Rock from the Sun
I’ve never seen those mall animals so your comments were confusing until the pictures. I must admit I haven’t been in a mall since the ’80s. Can’t say I’ve been anxious to relive the experience.
Gonzo from the Muppet Show. I was three and thought he was unhappy, so I was going to marry him and make him happy.
After and also concurrently was Orko from He-Man. This looks like a trend, but I haven’t been interested in blue aliens since, so I’m not really sure what was going on there.
Number three was Robin Hood the Fox. The internet assures me that this is perfectly normal.
The first actual human celebrity media person I can remember crushing on was Alan Alda in M*A*S*H. He apparently successfully awoke something in me because it’s been male humans ever since.
OMG! I’m old. John Cowsill of the Cowsills. I still have my certificate as a member of their fan club. They were my first concert. As far as real men go Robert Downey Jr can knock on my door anytime and seriously, all I want to do is talk. We just borrowed Noah Wiley’s The Librarian trilogy from the library. Fun romp.
Dr. McCoy in Star Trek reruns.
Also, if The Bachelor is this out of ideas, maybe they should swap out the man for a cat and instead have a show where a bunch of women (or people in general) play with a bunch of cats to see which one is right for them. Muzzy could be the co-host and no one would be sacrificed to the Rose God.
“During dinner, which I assume is Sbarro”
LMAO
I thought the guys from CHIPs were so handsome
I think Bobby Sherman from Here Comes The Brides was probably my first crush, then came David Cassidy (The Partridge Family) and Jan Michael Vincent from the Disney movie The World’s Greatest Athlete.
David Cassidy from The Partridge Family. My mom kept telling me “he’s not really singing” and I wondered why she didn’t realize that singing was not the cause of my attraction.
I’ve been in love with Harrison Ford since I was 10 or so. If we’re talking TV-specific, my teenage self was down BAD for Hawkeye Pierce from MASH. I also loved Sbarro, running backwards up escalators, and otherwise being a menace climbing around on shit I wasn’t supposed to at that age, so I honestly would have been all about that empty mall date with Hawkeye or Indy.
The ~30yo me of today is indifferent to the mall but stands by both of those crushes 1000%, for the record.
If you had asked me back then, I would have said Jonathan Taylor Thomas, especially in his role in Home Improvement. But looking back with what I know now, I would also include my *completely unexplainable obsession* with Topanga in Boy Meets World.
I’ll second Robin Hood the fox. 🙂
Heath Ledger in Roar (no one ever remembers Roar 🙁 ) Also David Boreanez as Angel in Buffy the vampire Slayer.
I am also a member of the Noah Wyle first crush fan club!
1) That poor beagle (?) that Grant is riding on looks soooooo bored/depressed/over “The Bachelor”. I’m with you all the way, Barney.
2) I did NOT expect to see two other votes for Bobby Sherman. First concert, too. My friends and I, 8-year-old pre-groupies, one and all, were sure that the guy with the amazingly thick ‘n’ swoopy bangs who was seated by himself a couple of rows behind us and over – in the upper-upper bleachers before the show started – was Bobby himself. Ten full minutes of squealing, giggling, and not-so-whispered “Is he looking? Is it him? Don’t look! I said don’t look” ran on a loop, til he got up, walked away and broke our teeny hearts. And Bobby came out 10 minutes later (so… ya know… it coulda…).
I think the tickets were $4.
Bad news about The Pitt guys – it was originally supposed to be an ER reboot and not sure what happened but I’m sure it will come out in the court case because Michael Crichton’s estate is suing for breach of contract amongst other things