Our first Cover Snark of 2023 is brought to us by readers like you!
From Lils: He appears to be melting into a pumpkin? I know people love pumpkin spice latte season, but …
Sarah: PUMPKIN SHIFTER. And the bear is NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
Amanda: First Snark of 2023 just had to include a bear.
Sneezy: Okay, so here’s what I think is happening. The man made a deal with the bear for bear strength, and agreed to give the bear his balls in exchange. Whether he was convinced by his buddy Todd, got too drunk, or just plain chickened out, the man thought substituting his balls with pumpkins will do. “They’re bigger!”
Which, as we can see, displeased the bear. The bear then turned the man into a pumpkin. Maybe this is how the story starts, or maybe this is how the Pumpkin Shifter ends up getting his gooey shit stomped out by the bear.
From Rachael: I humbly submit this cover for snark getting. I came across it while weeding the adult fiction collection where I work. I hope you enjoy it!
Sarah: First, weeding the collection is a thankless, cumbersome job, so virtual wine and pedicures to you, Rachael.
Second, how badly is this person’s back going to be scarred by his attempts to store his weapon on his back with no sheathe? That just seems painful and unwise.
Wait. Unless the sword is embedded in his trapezius?! Ouch.
Claudia: If it is he looks remarkably calm about it!!
I just hope he’s not using the sword as a back scratcher.
Shana: Aah, that’s the itchy spot…wait…Ow!
Elyse: Wait is that a uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries in the sky?
Sneezy: I was wondering that too!
From Melodie: It looks like this guy’s muscles snap on and off like Mr. Potatohead. Does he have a door on his butt to store them?
Sarah: He looks SO ANNOYED to be either on this cover, or on this planet with no sunscreen. Or both.
Elyse: Maybe he’s the one being held for ransom?
Sarah: Such side eye. Maybe!
Sneezy: The whole vibe of the cover is making me think of THE PLANET WILL EXPLODE IN FIVE MINUTES à la Dragon Ball Z. This guy might be side eyeing the narrator as it’s already the 37th episode after the countdown started.
Amanda: While putting the new Rose Lerner book into our repo, I found this
Sarah: Red sky at morning, sailors take warning. Especially if the sky is LOOKING AT YOU RUN GIRL RUN
Shana: This cover is terrifying!
Kiki:
Sarah: Oh, hello earworm. Welcome to my brain.
Sneezy: How was the Eye of Sauron gotten rid of again? Are there rules different with two eyes?
I am the eye in the sky, looking at you-oo-oo
I can read your mind
I am the maker of rules, dealing with foo-oo-ools
I can cheat you blind
(Alternate ear worm: “Eye in the Sky” by The Alan Parsons Project.)
If people were less complaisant about surveillance culture, Sky Eyes would be an easily solvable problem. An organized barrage of lemon juice, pocket sand, and loose eyelashes (they don’t have to be to scale, the teeny ones are the absolute worst) would shut that right down.
The apostrophe in the series name is an effective counterattack, though. I’d be too distracted by “The Santiago’s WHAT?” to throw my allotment of salt at the moist spy orb.
Is jeans and a sword a new look I was unaware of?
Also, the apostrophe in the “The Santiago’s” on that last cover is KILLING ME.
I saw this guy on an art history twitter account and instantly thought of Cover Snark. He’s even lumpier than Mr Snap-on up there:
https://www.metmuseum.org/art/collection/search/343579
Ahh, yes, the old Bear & Pumpkin-Balls myth, I think I remember that from 3rd semester Greek Mythology–a tragic tale of man’s hubris against nature, though some have argued the Ancient Greeks just really liked balls.
Maybe shirtless sword guy is a reference to the King of Clubs card where he’s jabbing himself in the head. Or maybe he’s a transforming anime character drawing a sword from his body as the Sacred Uterus in the Sky gazes on. “Remember who you are…”
Personally I think the PotatoHead-esque snap on-snap off muscles and face is an underutilized scifi erotica trope. Build-a-Boyfriend! (Some assembly required) Unrelated, I think secret butt compartment is also an underutilized scifi erotica trope.
There’s a lot happening in that last one and I agree the apostrophe is definitely one of them, but I’m…concerned about that subtitle. Also, if this is Book 2, what in Xenu’s name happened in Book 1?
*King of Hearts, not Clubs. Meant to look that up before I posted
These are all so gloriously awful, it’s hard to choose which is worst.
The faces on these covers, lawd have mercy…
1 – Head too small for this torso, and he is vewy gwumpy
2 – The eyes say “WTF IS THAT OVER THERE???”
3 – These eyes on the other hand, can’t decide if side eyeing or eyerolling
4 – Smug villainess plotting world domination
Personally, I think #2 is someone’s boyfriend. And they photoshopped in a sword for the back scratcher. He’s rather underdeveloped for a cover model.
Haha these are hilarious! Can we talk about the tag line for the last one though? “One night he doesn’t remember… one night she’ll never forget” um so much yikes, I’m hoping so hard for soap opera amnesia.
I’m most bothered by the errant apostrophe on “Santiago’s” on the cover of A Sailor’s Delight (yes, it bothers me even more than the looming, disembodied eyes and the hilarious tagline). I WISH people would stop making this mistake.
I’m pretty sure Ransom’s face was cut and pasted on that torso, and his arms look like he’s been standing too close to the fireplace.
My daily Bookbub bargains had two covers with the exact same stock photo. The same muscled guy standing with his back to the reader and holding a sword behind his head pointing down to his kilt-covered buttocks. The tartans were different colors on the books, and the hair was sloppily changed, but I’d love to do a deep-dive to see how many book covers that guy is on.
But wow, all of these make me question the authors’ decision processes.
The back-sheath trope always bugs me because it’s really hard to draw anything longer than your arm from behind your head and it’s usually a monster sword depicted. Might work with a gladius though.
Ransom may be getting around this issue by just, um, sticking his sword to his back with um, personal magnetism?
Re: The End of Darkness, my brain went in the same order as your collective brain:
1. Where’s the sheath?
2. Backscratcher?
3. Weirdness in the sky
…only I see a Martini in the Sky. And now I’m going to have “Martini in the sky, keeps on turning…” stuck in my head.
1. Bear wandered into the pumpkin patch. Shirtless farmer was angry to see his prized pumpkins smashed and thought “If you can’t beat them, fuck them”
2. Using a sword as a back scratcher is probably one way to satisfy the insurance deductible at the beginning of the plan year.
3. That is spectacular side eye. If he’s not the one being ransomed, he is definitely judging his co-conspirators harshly/
4. I have Eyes Without a face by Billy Idol stuck in my head and a lot of Immaculate Conception jokes percolating.
I also see the martini in the sky for The End of Darkness.
What is on cover model number 3’s neck? Is it a tattoo, was his head sewn on there, are those huge veins to feed the snap-on muscles? That disturbs me. I zoomed in a bit and I still can’t figure it out.
Excalibur, but from his back instead of a stone.
The Santiago’s? Grammar matters in a series title. I checked ‘zon, and that’s the official series title, and both books have the error.
I zoomed in on Ransom’s eyes to figure out what was going on there, and now I regret it.
Late arrival here …
’Someone plea’se tell me the Santiago’s are a family of grocer’s.