Happy Monday! Need some Cover Snark?
From Judyw: Not sure if this is the right category for the cover snark recommendation or not. But OMG check out WINGMAN by Paedon Sims. Is that an oreo cookie? Is that his linen napkin stuck in his armpit? I need answers.
Sarah: Many of the decisions that went into this cover were unfortunate.
Amanda: My brain knows this is dirt, but it’s also blue?
From Jen: The guys seem more interested in each other than the girl.
Sarah: She looks rather dismayed. Her expression is entirely, “I used the last of my curl cream for this date and it was not worth it.”
Amanda: God, don’t you hate it when you’re having a good hair day for a shitty event. Also the world paradise makes me think of a beach, but that’s clearly not a bathing suit set.
Amanda: The one guy looks so sad.
Sarah: His battery is low. He was not plugged in.
Amanda: And where are we plugging what exactly?
From Elizabeth: I have no words
Lara: Bear: “Not this shit again…”
Carrie: I don’t know how many times I’m going to have to remind you people not to try to have sex with bears.
Amanda: Can we do a SBTB PSA with Sarah McLachlan style production about leaving bears alone?
Sarah: I am reasonably certain we have seen both that bear and that musculature on other covers.
These author names are coming the raw prawn, surely. “Paedon” didn’t strike anyone as “peed on”? Is it just a creative way to misspell “Paton”? What the hell kind of name is “Hardison”? And you,Lexxie-with-two-exxies, so we know you’re sexy and unique, did we need the “Cooper” with an “ou” too?
Furthermore, what fresh hell is that character spacing in “Plugging It In”? It hurts the eyes.
Oh, AND, it’s nice to see a “Samuel” floating about in amongst all the Sebastians, Lucians and Murdochs of Romancelandia.
When I first looked at Samuel, I thought someone was doing a handstand in front of him and we were seeing their legs and then I tried to figure out what was happening with his armpit and his nipple and then I decided I needed more coffee because there was no other way I was going to decipher that photo otherwise.
(Also, this may be intentional, but the dude on the left in Plugging it In looks old enough to be the other two models’ father.)
I once had to wear a build-a-bridesmaid’s dress with detached elasticized ruffle “sleeves,” so sure, why not, make it a sports uniform.
Prince Sam is very much in the Demonic Smiley Face Torso zone.
Oh, and Hardison Parker is a Leverage ship. I absolutely bounce off pen names I find overly twee, but sometimes they attract an “I understood that reference” audience.
I think the pen name Hardison Parker may be an homage to the TV Show Leverage? Canonically Hardison (the hacker) and Parker (the thief) end up together by the end of the series. (It’s ridiculously adorable) and in fan fic circles a lot of people pair them with Eliot (the hitter) as an OT3.
That aside, there’s a lot of wtf going on.
Book 1: Why is there a napkin where his arm belongs? Why is the dirt blue? Why did es it almost looks umm, NSFW?
Book2: did the guy on the right fart? Cause guy on the left has a very did you just fart face.
Book 3 Why is the one guy depressed? The other guy looks a little sad too. Is nobody getting plugged in regularly?
Book 4: there’s a huge mismatch between the mood that the color scheme and glitter is trying to convey and the composition of the imagery. That bear is not here for your purple and gold glitter essential oil party. Glitter is impossible to get out of fur and essential oils can be toxic to animals.
Author Hardison Parker must be a Leverage fan so someone tell me why they’re writing this instead of heist romance?
For some reason on the last book I thought Prince Samuel was an Alpha Bear Princess and it was a non-binary bear shifter book. Alas, I appear to be mistaken.
I came across a book called “Faeted Mates” this morning, a paranormal/fae romance collection. At first glance I read it as “Fetid Mates”, and then “Fetus Mates”. Granted I didn’t have my glasses on yet so there’s that…
As someone who’s done a lot of shifter book covers for clients, I not only recognize stock photo models by their abs, I recognize bears. And you also realize, after paging through photo after photo of bears looking for one that’s lit correctly, whose head isn’t spoiled by random grass stalks, and which is (hopefully) easy to cut out of the background…a bear’s favorite thing to do is to frustrate Designers of Vry Srs Shifter Book Covers by MAKING GOOFY FACES.
@Mischa Eliot, etal: Maybe it’s Leverage fanfic, ala FSOG
On a side note, I was on B&N over the weekend pre-ordering the new Ilona Andrews release, and while scrolling through their backlist, came across this gem. A Summary of Fated Blades that someone published through draft2digital and has the gall to want to charge $2.99 for. Never mind that you can buy the original for $3.99 or read for free on KU. I’m sure House Andrews’ reps are all over this.
@Sandra: Summaries are a common get-rich-quick scheme, along with “series reading order” guides for $2.99 that are literally a list of a few books. The premise being that if you trick enough people into buying the trash, some of them won’t notice their mistake until after the return window expires, so you get to keep $2 for your 10 seconds of labor.
Unless there’s plagiarism involved, the authors of the actual books have no recourse. Customers complaining to the store about low-quality, deceptive products until there’s a policy change has been the only effective approach so far.
Wingman: I am unfamiliar with the rules of organized paintball. Is “wingman” a standard position on the team? And who decided that “Paedo” is a winning pen name for the romance genre?
Touched in Paradise: If “Temptation in Paradise” is the series title, I envision a string of titles, each creepier than the last: Groped in Paradise, Fondled in Paradise, Jostled in Paradise, Overcome by Smoke Inhalation in Paradise …
Plugging It In: Is it just me, or … does this title immediately bring up vague mental associations with butt plugs? Or does the series title “Stimulated” imply some kind of electrical device that, for some reason, won’t run on batteries? The XX in the author’s name certainly points in that direction. Regardless, Putin on the left is evidently disappointed in his purchase.
Prince Samuel: Sigh. I suppose “Alpha Bear Princes” means this is the 19th in the series, so the author only has to crank out seven more before she can take a well-earned rest. But what a good thing for the cover model that suffocation by gold paint turned out to be a myth.
@OuchOuch: As usual, XKCD has got you covered.
@Lena Brassard: Thanks for the detailed explanation. It was apparent that it’s a scam, because, actually previewing the contents shows just that… the table of contents and nothing else. I’m just amazed that there are people who fall for this sort of thing. I could maybe see why someone who’s running out of time to read a book and write a school essay might look for a Cliff’s Notes version, but for genre fiction? Why bother?
Wingman definitely lost that paintball game.
Those guys in Paradise are having a literal cock measuring contest even as we speak.
I guess the guy on the left on Plugged In lost the coin toss and now is annoyed and bored that he has to wait his turn.
Prince Samuel has better hips than I do. And that bear has a clearly WTF expression.
Blue turf “bugs” from artificial blue soccer turf? If your kids play any sport on artificial turf, you know those “bugs” go everywhere, including your house and washing machine.
Lots of titles with things going “In.”
Ab face, again.
OK, these cover snark discussions are always hilarious especially the clinches. I’m reminded of an episode in one of the later Southern Vampire books by Charlaine Harris where the heroine Sookie Stackhouse is on a cover shoot for a romance novel with her cousin. Her flowing blond hair and his good looks are perfect for a cover. When I see some of these covers that look particularly unconvincing I think of Sookie trying to look passionate clutched to her gay cousin’s chest.
Sookie trying to look passionate clutched to her gay cousin’s chest.
Way o/t, but I’m reminded of a quote attributed to Hedy Lamarr: Any woman can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Samuel is doing the Coty-Musk-stalking-commercial flinch. (All you young people, go look it up. The commercial’s on YouTube. Yes, the 80s were a very weird time.)
Bear was the third element in that cover that made me snicker. First, the torso looked like it was taken straight from a crucifixion painting.Then, the torso looked like a face with devil horns — or possibly elf ears. Then the Bear just really pulled it all together for me, you know?
…Am I the only one who initially interpreted the blue stuff on “Wingman” as very weird blood, and thought the (I assume) titular Wingman had been shot?
Also, re: Prince Samuel, pectorals should not be concave, please sir, I’m worried about you.
Plugging It In: Amanda, that’s an interesting question. It appears that the assembly instructions that will reveal what has been plugged in, to what, by whom, were badly translated. The closest I can come is “Place Screw B under Tab C, add exactly three drops of Glue #1, and allow to set for ten minutes. Now slide Slot C backward over Screw B while ensuring that Tab C remains fully exposed…” but the parts diagram designates everything with numbers, not letters.
All of which leads me to believe that Dude on the Left really is a father to one (or both…) of the other two, and he’s looking down at the assembly instructions because he’s the only one who has ever put a foreign-manufactured bicycle together.
Sue, I also thought we had a bear princess, which was slightly intriguing.
Augusta Scarlett, please point us toward goofy bear faces!
And Elliot cannot wind up with Parker and Hardison. Elliot is mine, thank you very much!
Just to say, I’m a fan of Lexxie Couper, and her books are generally great at grabbing my interest and engaging my emotions!
Your wish is my command, Kris Bock: here’s a Depositphotos collection of bears that are goofy or otherwise unsuitable for Vry Srs Shifter Romance Covers:
https://depositphotos.com/s/6370om669abb