This season of The Bachelorette we have two Bachelorettes at the same time, Gabby and Rachel.
I have no idea how the logistics of this work.
Do they trade dudes from their respective pools?
Do they fight them like Pokemon?
Whatever it is, I’m sure it will be ridiculous.
Also we might be filming at a new McMansion. IDK. It’s possible that one building can only be saturated with so much of the Rose God’s dark energy. It might have collapsed into the Upside Down.
Right off the bat Rachel says, “I’ve never really dated a man who made me laugh.” Well, that’s sad.
So right away they establish that both women will be dating the same pool of men, which seems like an opportunity for the producers to pit them against each other.
We start the Parade of Limos. A lot of the guys make a lackluster entrance. It’s kind of strange that the guys are flirting with both women at once because it seems like no one is sure how to navigate it
Jordan brings noise canceling headphones so he can have private chats with each woman while the other stands there awkwardly.
Logan shows up with two baby chicks and makes a “couple of cute chicks” joke. The chicks are named Mary Beth and Alejandra. Remarkably no one gets pooped on.
Quincey, who is a life coach, tells them he hasn’t had sex in a year in a half.
“That makes one of us,” says Gabby.
Alec hires a children’s choir to sing a song called “Clayton Sucks” and it’s honestly the best part of the show.
Ed. note: How many Bachelorette fans now have this as their ringtone?
Meanwhile Logan has to just sit on the drinking couch awkwardly holding two baby chickens. Does he have to hold them all night?
One of the guys, Chris, has his profession listed as “mentality coach.” WTF is that?
Tino drives up on a forklift and my transportation and warehousing brain immediately went DO YOU WANT A JOB SIR WE ARE IN NEED OF CERTIFIED FORKLIFT DRIVERS MAY I SHOW YOU OUR BENEFITS PACKAGE?
Blond haired Jacob rides in on a white horse, shirtless and oiled up, channeling Fabio.
“He gonna get chilly,” one of the dudes observes.
Then there are the twins, Joey and Justin.
After all 32 guys arrive, the host comes out and asks them what their strategy is. I can’t remember what his name is. I’m just going to call him Dale.
Gabby hits it off with a guy from Boston named Ryan.
Hayden gives Rachel a handmade belated birthday card. The two of them connect over both being from Florida.
Both of the women feel that it’s strange that none of the dudes have tried to kiss them, but the dudes seem uncertain about singling out one of them yet.
Mario eventually kisses Gabby. Gabby says she wants to know who Rachel is kissing and if they’re good at it. She says it’s not weird because they’re friends.
Tino and Rachel go sit on a flight of stairs and kiss. Rachel says, “Tino is definitely the romantic connection I’ve been waiting to have.”
Yeah and he can drive a forklift WHICH IS A VERY MARKETABLE SKILL.
I call it now. Tino wins.
Somewhere, Logan is just sitting there with two baby chicks shitting in his hands.
Ed. note: I almost spewed my coffee all over my desk.
So then Rachel and Gabby go and compare notes. So far Rachel’s favorites are Hayden, Tino and Jordan V. For Gabby it’s Mario, Ryan and Jacob.
Then Gabby and Erich sit down and crack each other up.
“I have a fake tan and fake hair, but you can’t tell because boys are dumb,” Gabby says. She asks Erich if he shaves his chest because she doesn’t like groomed chest hair. I too prefer a hirsute man.
“I shaved my chest once and I will never do that again. Have you ever shaved your chest?” he asks.
“Constantly,” she says.
They kiss.
Then Erich goes and talks to Rachel and there’s a lot of drunken giggling. He doesn’t kiss her.
Rachel gives the First Impression Rose to Tino. Gabby gives her First Impression Rose to Mario.
Dale comes out and says it’s time for The Dreaded Rose Ceremony, but Gabby and Rachel are talking about how there are a lot of men they didn’t have time to meet. They decide to only eliminate Justin, Joey and Roby because they know for sure there’s no connection there. The rest of the guys are going to stay on for the next week.
And that’s it. Are you watching?
Oh it really is that time of year again, isn’t it?
Yeah, it’s a bold move throwing two Bachelorettes in the gladiator pit at once…my guess is it’ll be easy drama to tell them to fight. Next season I predict they’ll have two Bachelorettes who are sworn enemies and a significant number of challenges will be in the form of deciding which goblet is poisoned.
I can appreciate “Do you ever shave your chest?” dude at least having fun with it, same as the Fabio guy. I also hope the chickens are ok and live long happy lives.
Predictions: At least one guy will be kicked off because one Bachelorette feels “like I never see the real You” and he’ll argue that it’s because he doesn’t want to blow his chance with the other contestant, as if that’s going to win her back over. One guy will two time both of them; this will cause a multi-episode fight with much crying into the host’s shoulder about how they thought their friendship meant more than that. The guy in question will be by far the most mediocre offering the Rose God ever received. One guy will reveal that he is actually just here for brand deals, possibly overpriced haircare products for men with “funny” misogynistic names, or Chicken Guy’s Farm-to-Table restaurant chain. Taking advantage of loosened ‘rona restrictions we’ll travel the world again for the dinners they can’t eat. At least one of these locations will be something like “Alpine Ski Resort in the Dead of Summer with No AC” or “New Jersey Turnpike.” Someone will get sick and there will be panic, but it’ll turn out to just be the collective cold due to everyone making out with each other. Someone will make homophobic remarks on air then try to backtrack that they didn’t mean it like that then double down that they totally meant way worse. A suspiciously empty tropical beach will lead to a romantic horseback ride, except that the horses won’t behave and the couple will laugh but later say it was miserable. The random celebrity guest will be an ex-professional wrestler turned lounge singer. Purely coincidentally, there will also be a challenge in a sexy-fied wrestling ring where the dudes flex taking off their shirts only to fail miserably at the rules of the game. The multi-episode fight will lead to a largely offscreen makeup between the two Bachelorettes, who declare the Real Winner to be Friendship. In the post-season recap the guy engaged to one of them will break up with her to declare his love for the other.
Poly marriage!
I predict Gabby and Rachel chose each other at the end of the series.
“Mentality Coach” sounds like one of Debbie’s jobs on Survivor. (She had a rotating list of professions next to her name on the chiron, my favorite being “caretaker to nuns.”)
(walks in, looks around) Pudding? Pudding?
I was told there would be Pudding…
Where is Pudding?!
Pokémon fights! Forklift driver resumes! Shitty chicks on the couch! Elise, you deserve an oily guy on a horse or at least a pillow with your face on one side and Pudding on the other. (Hope Pudding is okay!) Thanks for making the dumbest show on tv the most hilarious!!
My cats also want to know how Pudding is- feline solidarity!
Sorry all! Pudding is great. I’ll make sure she’s included in my next recap
Imagine being a reality TV star and learning that you are way less popular than a snarky blogger’s cat.
That last photo cracked me up. All those pretty boys in suits, and then there’s Fabio guy. I wonder if he was oily and shirtless in his yearbook photos too.
I’m disappointed Lady Pudding isn’t also sharing her judgment.
But hey, FabioLite stood out, so…success?
So far, this actually kind of has the vibe that we all liked from The Courtship, with friends helping the Bachelorette thru the dating. It’s just that they’re both dating from the same pool, kind of like high school all over again.
Which, to be fair, you could not pay me enough to go through again.