Good Monday morning (or wherever it is in your part of the world)! It’s time for some Cover Snark.
From Pam G: So. My question is: Why does this man have a porthole in his chest, or has Mr Vampy been sunbathing with a magnifying glass between the moobs? Also, what are those things parked behind the title on the right? Poker chips? Glasses of eggnog? I really do not get
Tara: So I expanded the image and have more questions. Is he in a river? Are those his bath toys?
Shana: It doesn’t appear that the vampire is doing a great protection job. This dude is under a bridge with an orb growing from his chest. Might be time to upgrade to a werewolf protector instead.
Or a troll. Trolls like bridges, right?
Claudia: It says San Francisco so I’m guessing it’s a wearable Google orb but still… That technology has ways to go.
Sarah: He looks very worried, but what specific question raised by this cover has given him concern, I don’t know.
From Colleen (a twofer!): I can’t tell whether we’re meant to infer if the pumpkin is meant to represent, um, him? Or he is thinking he has nefarious plans for that poor pumpkin.
Lara: Pumpkin… the more frugal, robust version of a peach?
Amanda: “A Warriors Halloween” which makes me think that this is Warriors fanfic with a Halloween celebration one-shot.
Sarah: What an exciting gourd.
Shana: Did they make him orange to match the pumpkin?
From Colleen: This one makes me think the guy farted on that poor wolf.
Shana: That wolf does NOT look happy.
Sarah: That poor wolf.
Amanda: The air biscuit so bad his eyes have crossed.
From Claire N: Is he standing up? Is he lying down, going “where the fuck is my pillow, my neck hurts like a bitch”? Is he trying to do a Matrix-style backbend? Why is he inside a large pipe/segmented worm? What is the weird breeze or awful miracle of tailoring that is making his jacket do that while his hair stays in place? Where is his right arm? Is it supposed to be sexy that he looks like a five year old preparing for the tantrum of his life? I have so many questions.
Amanda: Who’s our little edgy guy? Is that you?! Are you our edgy little man?! Aw…look at him!
Sarah: He’s too sexy for his tube, too sexy for his tube, too sexy for that whole line of sewer tube.
A veritable festival of stupid fonts.
I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall for the pumpkin photo shoot.* “Yes, sir, we know you’ve been working out and dehydrating like mad to get ready for this shoot, but could you please caress this pumpkin, er, gourd thingy? Just hold it right by your crotch and flex those abs!”
(*normally I would suspect Photoshop, but the shadows look right to me? Anyone else with a better eye than me able to tell?)
I’m fixated on the u-shaped thing in Too-Sexy-Tube Guy’s jacket lapel. Is it a bomb? An exercise thingy for upper body strength? Some Viper ID badge, for when he’s wearing a shirt and can’t flash the tattoo?
Where have all the happy trails gone?
Probably just hiding inside the books where they abound.
The wolf’s expression on “Forbidden Destiny “ is priceless.
Re: first cover and “ has Mr Vampy been sunbathing with a magnifying glass between the moobs”
Immediately made me think: oh, that’s why his chest has been burnt to a crisp. All that focusing of the sunlight with the magnifying glass! The concentrated heat made his poor chest go up in smokes.
Protected by a Vampire: He doesn’t look like the protector. More like the protectee. And, going by his anxious expression, he isn’t entirely certain this protection racket is going to work.
What’s that snaky thing? I’m reading it as a very long spout, suggesting that the orb is really a teapot from another dimension.
Tangent: I hope all you bitches appreciate that every time there is one of these title-and-subtitle combos, I get hung up on trying to figure out which half is the series and which half is the individual novel. Are we protected by vampires in an array of major cities . . . or is San Francisco offering us a buffet of vampires, werewolves, sphinxes, griffins, and miscellaneous shifters?
The Protectors: This is much, much more sinister than it looks at first glance. First: The unnervingly positioned pumpkin almost kept me from noticing that he has no neck. Conclusion: it isn’t a pumpkin, it’s his head, while the one at the top of the cover is a spare that he picked up somewhere. Second: The head mismatch in turn almost kept me from noticing the flaming sky in the background, matched by additional flames just out of camera range, lending a deep orange tinge to the pumpkin-wielder’s bare skin. But why aren’t his blue jeans subject to the same illumination? There seems to be an out-of-camera range searchlight inexplicably focused on his left hip.
And, as above: If “The Protectors” is the series title, does that mean we’re to expect the full range of familiar holidays? I can’t wait for An Enforcer’s Easter.
@OuchOuchOuch: Continuing the theme of “X almost kept me from noticing Y”: Ooh, ooh, it’s the coveted Four-Font Award.
Forbidden Destiny: Y’know, we talk a lot about the ubiquity of nipples. But this and the preceding sent me peering at my own abdomen to confirm: Nope, the navel is not normally located way up there. And I suppose it’s no use asking whether he is in the middle of putting his pants on, or taking them off.
Viper: Seriously, dude, your hair is fine. Wait until you’re out of the drainage tunnel before you mess with it any further.
How do these men’s pants stay on?
The Protectors: the Werepumpkin story I didn’t know I needed.
“I’m too sexy for this tube, too sexy for your lube, just look at my man-boobs..”
And that wolf definitely needs some dental work.
For forty years now it has been impossible for me to hear or read the word “warriors” without my brain autofilling “Come out and playyay”. And now it’s there for the rest of the day.
@FashionablyEvil re: pumpkin: it looks like there is a pumpkin to the right of the photo; I am guessing that this stock photo came from a “sexy pumpkin patch” shoot. I am really hoping that it was from a series of seasonal/holiday themed shoots with props, and that for each set change the photographer had a series of poses to run through, including telling the model, “okay, please hold [prop] at below your waist and thrust at it.”
Protected by: looks to me like the V in Vampire is extending a tentacle into one of the vanilla scented candles. Somehow I think they are the cheap, obnoxious kind of candles. He’s not even doing a good job of protecting the candle.
Protectors: Why is he thrusting at the pumpkin in his right hand while turning to talk to the pumpkin in his left hand. Is he telling left pumpkin not to be jealous?
Forbidden Destiny: cartoon wolf has very messed up teeth. Also, something about the way dude’s sweat pants and body fit together makes me think of paper doll clothes that attach with bend tabs.
Viper: I think he made the mistake of putting his hand in his hair after using an entire can of Aquanet (sp?), and now it is stuck. I’m puzzled by the weird grey “u” loop in his jacket, and worried by whatever is happening at the indentation in his right side directly above the waistband.
Thank you for the laughs.
Maybe it’s just the lighting or the angle, but that’s a really odd bulge pumpkin-boy has next to his abs. In fact, his abs don’t look that much different from the pumpkin.
Viper – props to him for being so comfortable in his skin that he had a giant butterfly tattooed on his chest.
I want to know all about the story of Mr. Pumpkin F***r (I can’t be the only one thinking this) and his collection of hideous fonts. Who designed this? And do they admit to it?
I think he actually meant to pick up a basketball when he got the pumpkin
I look at this section repeatedly throughout the week and belly laugh out loud every time. Thank you. It’s been a shitty couple of weeks and your Cover Snark works better than Valium. You’re doing God’s work, ladies. 😉
The horrible font was what jumped out at me with The Protectors as well, closely followed by that pumpkin (as a keen home gardener, I am more impressed by the pumpkin than by that guy’s physique), then the fact that the guy’s pants are going to fall down any moment.