Elyse Watches The Bachelor–S26 E5: The Shanae Show

It’s time for another episode of The Bachelor.

More importantly, today is Pudding’s 16th birthday!

She celebrated with leftover steak, which she appreciated, and a forehead kiss, which she did not.

She also got to watch bird feeder videos on the tablet while laying in the sun.

Back to The Bachelor. I guess.

The first one-on-one date is with Serene and they’re at an ocean-side boardwalk. They go on a bunch of rides and play carnival games, and of course they make out.

Clayton tells Serene he worked at a Six Flags in the fudge factory. K.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Serene talks about growing up in a “tough love” household where people weren’t allowed to talk about feelings. She also tells Clayton her cousin, who was a year younger than her, passed a year ago and she’s still struggling with her grief. She gets the date rose.

Then it’s time for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Clayton asks to talk to the winner members of the group date (that Shanae crashed last week). He says he wants to know “the full story” about Shanae.

Sierra recaps what Shanae said to them and how she threw their trophy in the pond (I thought it was the bushes).

Then Clayton asks to talk to Shanae.

Shanae apologizes (to Clayton) for throwing the trophy in the pond and says she was heated.

Then she goes back to the drinking couches and tearfully apologizes. None of the women seem impressed, but Marlena and a few of them accept her apology.

Shanae tells the camera that was the hardest thing she’s done in her life, “Apologize to people I’m not sorry for. I’m not sorry, hoes. You mean ass bitches,” she adds. “I need an Oscar for that performance.”

Girl, you don’t have to audition so hard for Bachelor in Paradise. You probably already got the job.

Then it’s time for the ceremony. Shanae says, “I’m sweating, my vagina is sweating, my armpits are sweating.”

Vaginas don’t sweat, Shanae.

At the end of the night Clayton sends home Sierra, Lyndsey and Jill. Shanae stays, because the producers said so. Clayton announces they are going to Toronto.

The first one-on-one goes to Gabby, and they go on a helicopter ride. I am terrified of flights and heights, and I would absolutely throw up on the Bachelor’s lap. They also play hockey and eat beaver tails (a fried dough pastry).

You know what would be a good one-on-one date?

Going shopping at one of those bulk retailers like Sam’s Club or Costco. Or, even more intense, Ikea.

Rich and I have never made it through one of those places without some kind of argument ensuing…in no small part because I’m crabby the minute the fluorescent lights hit me and my husband needs to look at everything. And then he makes friends with our cashier and they get to talking about how she’s in a wedding this spring and I just want to go home.

Anyway, back at the hotel the group date card arrives and Genevieve and Shanae aren’t on it, meaning they’re getting a two-on-one date.

During the dinner they aren’t allowed to eat, Gabby tells Clayton she feels unworthy of love because her mom would withhold love from her. She felt like if her mom could stop loving her, anyone else could too.

Instead of these stupid dates with this stupid guy, I want all the women on this show to be given free therapy and support and care. Like they can still live in the mansion and have all the perks, and they can just talk about the work they are doing to heal themselves.

Gabby says she’s estranged from her mom, and Clayton asks if she wants to mend that relationship or if she thinks they’re better estranged and she starts crying so hard she can’t really answer.

WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT, YOU DING DONG? THIS IS LISTENING TIME, NOT TALKING TIME.

Gabby gets the date rose.

Then it’s time for the group date. Russell Peters is there to teach them to roast Clayton and each other.

Marlena says, “Shanae, you ain’t here but I’m still going to get yo ass. Shanae is like a herpes outbreak, no matter how hard you try and get rid of her she keeps coming back and lasts longer than expected.”

(Ed. note: oh, no. I usually cringe while editing these but this is a big, big cringe.)

The women roast Clayton, usually about his less than stellar football career, but a lot of them take aim at Shanae as well.

During the cocktail party, Sarah talks about her comfortability with Clayton.

The date rose goes to Rachel.

Take your Advil now because it’s time for the two-on-one date, and they’re going to Niagara Falls.

Shanae says she’s been practicing what she’s going to say to Clayton on the date, writing down lines to remember.

They take a ferry at the bottom of the falls and no one really talks. There’s some dramatic music and then we get a To Be Continued.

Are you watching?