Welcome back to Cover Snark! We have quite the assortment.
From Texas Book Lover: I saw this cover and immediately thought of cover snark. I’ll let y’all have fun with this…
Sarah: I love that this cover made them think of us. I can’t imagine why.
Elyse: He’s gonna need an ointment
Sneezy: Someone didn’t listen to their tattoo artist
Tara: I’m impressed that he managed his whole torso in one sitting.
Carrie: This is what happens when Dad falls asleep on the couch in the same room as a toddler and a box of stickers.
Sneezy: Someone get that kid cuter stickers, I don’t see any Hello Kitty on there
Carrie: This family needs a glitter unicorn sticker intervention!
Susan:I’m gonna be honest my three objections to this cover are: 1) does he have words written on his forehead? 2) I think that dragon’s head is out of proportion with the rest of it, and 3) the chest tattoo is giving me lotus boob vibes and NO ONE WANTS THAT
(Do not google what lotus boob is if you have that phobia of tiny holes, it will upset you)
Sneezy: I will take your advice and not google it, though I’m very sad something called Lotus Boob isn’t all kinds of sapphic smutty joy.
It sounds like it should be a genre of sapphic erotic illustrations, grown and disseminated on the Silk Roads.
Susan: It should be a big queer Iron Comics anthology, right?
Sneezy: AT THE VERY LEEEAAST!!!!!
Amanda: I feel like the cover is so busy that my eyes are crossing.
Tara: This is for an f/f romance and I cannot with this title or this cover.
Susan: Wait, is she carrying a poo bag there?
Sarah: It might be a leash but I prefer poo bag. At least she minds her dog’s business appropriately
Shana: Are we making the heroine’s job the title now? I can’t wait to read Underpaid Librarian. I hear Lawyer Who Writes a Lot is really good too.
Sarah: CEO Tycoon Who Never Has to Be In the Office
Sneezy: Wolf Boi with Magic Dick Finds Matching Magic Vagina
Shana: Why hasn’t someone written that yet? Oh wait, they have.
Tara: There must be a tag for that on Ao3.
From Jen: Is she about to stab him in the back?
Sarah: Sid he find a mole and is concerned? Have it checked out if you can, dude.
Elyse: Self breast exams are important for men also.
Catherine: When he found an unwanted lump in his breast exam, she was ready with her knife. Can love spark during surgery? Find out in… His Latex-Corseted Surgeon Lover.
Maya: I’m hoping it’s one of those swords that is so sharp that the person doesn’t realize they’ve been slashed/stabbed until like half their skull slides off. And then they realize that the blood vow was murder! Well, they don’t because they are dead, but the reader will!
Asking for specificity around blood vows is key
AJ: Is the blood vow related to what’s happening with his arm veins? Because I’m finding that concerning.
Sneezy: Hmmm… From the looks of things, he has to survive the surgery first, Catherine. She looks like she hasn’t made up her mind if she’ll let him yet.
Amanda: wat
Tara: Nope.
Sarah: LOVE the sweater! Love it!
Amanda: I am pretty anti-baby covers, but when the title is Falling for BABY and the baby is the only thing there…
Come on
Tara: Yeah, that’s wrong and illegal
Lara: Ick factor to the power of 1 000 000
Carrie: Please do not fall for the baby. That is gross.
Tara: Wait, wait, wait. Are there SEVEN books about falling for babies?
Carrie: You would think, if it’s all about the same baby, the books would be, in order: Falling for the Baby, Falling for the Toddler, Falling For the Preschooler, etc…
And all of them would be GROSS
Tara: I need to bathe my brain in bleach now.
Shana: Nothing about this cover says “romantic comedy.” Crescent Cove must be a terrifying place.
Carrie: Now if the title was “Fall into this photogenic and bug-free pile of leaves while you play with this adorable baby until you get bored, and then drink a pumpkin spice latte while the baby takes the kind of peaceful and angelic nap that babies only take in fiction” well in THAT case, sign me up.
Claudia: Even then I would need some assurance that the baby is someone else’s problem post nap.
Carrie: Right?
Catherine: That’s not a romance novel, it’s a book of knitting patterns for baby clothes.
Carrie: Would wear! (In an adult size, of course)
While the page loaded and I was just looking from the corner of my eye, I 100% thought the guy on Dragon Guard was Bigfoot. So there’s that.
#2 looks like an outtake from an LL Bean photo shoot. (Seriously—I just bought a shirt in that color and a pair of jeans in that rinse from them last weekend.)
#4 must have been taken from the cover of a Parenting magazine, possibly circa October 2012. I believe I read this one cover to cover in the OB’s waiting room.
The dragon photo-bomb works for me, even if grungy, scabby tattoo guy does NOT. I imagine that the dragon has a whole hoard of snarky comments to share with us about that disaster in the foreground.
I like the dragon who is all “Hi, Hi, Hi! I’m in this book too!”
Did Karl Urban approve of his face being photoshopped onto a low-rent Drax the Destroyer body?
It’s sweet that you’re trying to give the Veterinary Surgeon cover the benefit of the doubt, but that’s a poo bag. There’s no leash on that dog AT ALL, which isn’t cool either.
The DGF cover makes me think he needs a hot shower, some soap and a good scrub brush.
No leash on the dog? Oh, but this is a rich veterinary surgeon who has her own acres of land.
The Veterinary Surgeon cover looks like a brochure for a funeral home.
The woman whose face we do not see, walking her dog off into an uncertain yet surely peaceful future. She must be a very unsuccessful Veterinary Surgeon if she’s taking the dog with her into the afterlife.
If we’re going to do occupational titles (that don’t include CEO)then I vote for Service Industry Worker or Retail Sales. Let’s put a little spice in some of the most under appreciated occupations I personally worked in. Retrictions: It can’t be about people who work in high end exclusive boutiques or $$$$ restaurants. Think mall employee. They need love,too. And more money.
In Blood Vow,she really did just do a through-and-through in his shoulder with that blade. He says,”Ouch!”
@Jill — that’s exactly what I thought too! Why is Karl Urban’s head on Dave Bautista’s body — and what’s with all the tattoos. I mean, at some point didn’t someone doing the cover design think “I think that’s enough tattoos now.” I also love the dragon photobomb (obviously added by someone else).
His head says…. Enlightenment. It amuses me that a forehead reminder is needed.
Dragon Guard Fighter: Ah, it’s the tried and true “I was so distracted by the {gross and excessive tattoos} in the foreground, I almost overlooked the {happily smiling dragon} in the background”. And fonts #2 and #4 aren’t sufficiently distinct; you might think they only used a non-winning total of three. Or contrariwise, does one get extra points for fonts that look alike at first glance? Or for the simple act of using two unrelated fonts in the title alone, making it look as if this is individual title Fighter in the series Dragon Guard?
Veterinary Surgeon: Meh. Pretty color scheme, though.
Blood Vow: I don’t know about the rest of youse, but if someone is wielding a massive blade in my vicinity, I would prefer that their depth perception not be impeded by obscuring one eye.
Falling for Baby: For some reason I am reminded of Maria von Trapp, who said that in real life–unlike stage and screen–it was the seven children who first won her heart. The Cap’n had to grow on her. But seriously now, isn’t it a bit arrogant of the publisher to declare upfront that the next seven books will all be best-sellers?
Final thought: Oh, wait. That is no ordinary baby. It’s a happy little demon spawn, trying out its powers by making leaves fall, before moving on to more substantive telekineses.
The sword on Blood Vow seems bent – wonder what she did with it. Is it a metaphor?
I feel like the dragon is no-so-secretly snarking on tatoo guy too. There is this expression on the dragon face that reads: get a load of this guy.
Falling for Baby is what happens when one fails to read the What to Expect series–do people still use that series in pregnancy and childrearing? (For those of us birthing babies in the 90s, it was our bible, of sorts.)
quick google check shows it’s in its 3rd edition, so it must still be popular
Well, now I want to read the conversation from a bunch of dragons getting together to snark on Dragon book covers.
She definitely stabbed him in Blood Vow. She was aiming for his heart but since her hair is covering half her face, she missed and hit him in the shoulder instead.
I feel like the photographer for the Veterinary Surgeon cover is standing there sputtering like “Oh, hey, yeah I don’t actually have the shot … if you could just … or maybe just leave the dog … hello?”
I would totally knit that baby sweater.
The dragon is the tatoo artist. Karl-on-Dave fell asleep (probably drunk) in the chair, still owed the dragon from the last session, and the dragon took revenge. There’s probably a heart-plus-misspelled-former-girlfriend’s name tat on Karl-on-Dave’s back somewhere that will be revealed for the sequel.
Next in the series after Veterinary Surgeon will be Phlebotomist. In another horribly inappropriate quasicursive font. Misspelled. And because it’s a horror-tinged sequel, the audiobook soundtrack will include a cheap Casio-keyboard rendition of part of Tubular Bells from the second side of the album.
I think if anyone falls on baby, baby’s gonna get squished. Oh, wait, it’s falling for baby? Isn’t that, like, the sort of thing you read about later when someone appeals the part of their sentence that says “May no longer access the internet without parole officer supervision, and especially not Cover Snark” as an unreasonable restriction that the judge forgot to say out loud because he was so disgusted by the evidence? Or maybe it’s a sting operation; it’s not really a baby, it’s a doughnut-chomping sheriff’s deputy hiding behind a screen name…
Blood vows– Think she’s about to kill him before the fungus that has colonized his left arm takes over the rest of his body
Do any of you ever re-cover hideous books with good contents? I still have a 3-volume complete shakespeare that I carefully stuck red paper on; despite my not having seen the original in decades, its garishness is branded on my mind. Many more e-books have undergone this process. And to makers of good fan covers, I thank you!
Today was a good day for cover snark. I really needed a good laugh and you all delivered. Thanks for making my day better.
See now, I looked at Dragon Guard: Fighter and saw a torso full of Q-code mosaic and the face of Roy Kahn on every Kamelot/Conception album cover ever.
Are we sure Veterinary Surgeon is a romance? Maybe it’s a re-issue of one of those 1960s career books for girls: Cathy, Dental Assistant; Veronica’s Road to Fashion Design; Sally is Your Tour Guide.
I think the Blood Vow blade may be a kris, but I can’t figure out what’s between them – a black-and-chrome accordion? Electric keyboard?
@batgirl: the edges of the blood vow blade are straight, just partly covered by her sleeve. So not a kris.
Dragon Guard: artist “so you like Karl Urban, Dave Bautista and Adam Levine? Say no more.”
Veterinary Surgeon: the Dalmatian is a shifter. Unfortunately she didn’t find out until halfway through his neuter…
My friends said “lets go drinking with that dragon. It’ll be fun!” I wake up the next day covered in a magic eye tattoo and that stupid dragon smirking at me.