Welcome back to Cover Snark!
From Carole: My immediate impression was that this was a Dental Office stock photo – snort, it did not immediately say: cowboy romance…
Sarah: “Ask Dr. Decker about payment plans for your Invisalign!”
Susan: Pretty sure that Decker cover wants to sell me life insurance
Maya: Or like some poster at a planned parenthood encouraging couples to get std tests
Amanda: Or it could be one of those photos that are already in a frame when you buy it at Target.
Claudia: The Decker cover is like the photo for a New York Times vows column circa 1998.
Sneezy: This gives me serial killer vibes.
Catherine: Yes, it’s very Santa Clarita Diet, isn’t it? They will either sell you a house or kill and eat you.
Via Lisa D and Robin Bradford
Elyse: What the fuck? That’s all I’ve got. What the fuck.
So it’s a medical football I was born with a weird navel romance? Like let’s throw a shifter element and a sunlight dog in there while we’re at it
Tara: It’s like a Rorschach test.
Elyse: I actually laughed out loud, Tara
Tara: Also, what’s illegal to touch on him? Is it the nips? Is that why he’s protecting them?
Elyse: Like illegal touching in a medical context is pretty upsetting
Sarah: No you mayst not toucheth his football helmet heart belly button.
Carrie: If he’s pregnant with a skull I don’t want to know how that happened.
Amanda: Coach Dr. Nips?
A new spinoff series?
By day he’s a doctor, by night he plays professional football.
Sneezy: Amanda, when you said ‘Coach Dr. Nips,’ I immediately imagined giant nipples running around on a field playing football.
To all of you now seeing it too, you’re welcome.
Susan: I am very confused by this fire
Sarah: The plantation weddings industry is using a solid approach here
Amanda: Don’t return there. It’s clearly on fire.
Tara: 0 out of 5 stars as a destination.
Elyse: The dog is the arsonist. I’m calling it now
Susan: I think maybe their problem was that they built their house in a pile of gunpowder
Tara: Classic rookie mistake.
Carrie: And…Tara wins the Internet.
Sneezy: This looks Wednesday Addam’s third cousin’s homework assignment. So nice. So suburban. They used glitter!!!
“…and there’s Charlie, he set fire to the big house and is guarding it so the masters don’t get out. All the gunpowder and bullets in the basement made it easy. He’ll meet up with Octtie and her family and everyone else before they cross the river. That’s Mr. Jim, he managed to get to the porch, but knows he’ll never make it past Charlie.” The entire class stares. Thursday blinks their dreamy brown eyes and politely waits to see if anyone has any questions. When there are none, they take their candy diorama back to their desk and sit down. They break off a piece of the honeycomb crumble and take a moment to admire how pretty the edible holographic glitter is before biting in. They crunched away at their diorama in the silent classroom until the school bell rang.”
Shana: What is shooting out of his butt?
Tara: I just had the voice of the Count from Sesame Street saying “How many stock photos did they need to make this cover? One stock photo! Two! Two stock photos! Ah ah ah!”
Claudia: I sympathize with the woman. I would be making the same face.
Amanda: Is that the same image of the little girl twice, just once is flipped and slightly recolored? Tara, does that count as one stock photo or two in the Count’s count? We need an official ruling.
Tara: Excellent point! I’ve consulted with my partner and we believe that counts as one stock photo.
Sneezy: I don’t know what he expected when he’s the one with the geyser ass.
Carherine: … and she is the one looking shocked…
The proportions of the dude on the nanny cover are distressing me. His belt would be aligned with her crotch. Is she four feet tall and standing on a crate, or is she commuting to work at the top of a beanstalk?
The nanny: When the photoshop is so bad it makes me appreciate illustrated covers
I feel like the people on that Loving Decker cover really want to adopt my unborn baby. Like really.
The Return to Palm Court cover legit is cracking me up. The house is fully engaged with super bionic flames coming out everywhere and yet there is a dog just standing there calmly hanging and a dark figure on the porch looking in the windows. A house that much on fire the trees would be popping, the power lines would be down, but no… the lurker and the dog are all “So how about those Mets?”
I read the header as Tara’s Got Shingles, because I’d been awake for less than 10 minutes when I clicked. However, after I looked at the pics I thought this was actually appropriate, because those would set anybody’s nerves on fire.
OK, Cover Snark makes me laugh out loud EVERY SINGLE time. Please know that your snark is valued. It is grade A, prime snark. Love it.
The Nanny He Never Expected cover looks like the family vacation photo from hell. She’s covering a yawn and he didn’t get the memo for how to dress fora sightseeing trip with kids, and they are both so over it!
Loving Decker looks like a viagra commercial.
And what’s with the dude at Palm Court standing on the porch while the place explodes behind him….just chillin’? “Did my cigarette do that? I just wanted a quick smoke!!”
The Loving Decker couple is communing telepathically by touching foreheads:
“Don’t you think the photographer’s blood would taste good?”
“Yes, as soon as the shutter clicks, I’ll take him down and you go for the throat.”
The guy on the burning porch is just checking one more text before he thinks about moving off.
The two frowning models on the other covers are thinking, “They better be paying me a million bucks because I’ll never live this one down.”
I just saw the top of the Nanny cover as I was scrolling down, reading the one before, and the first that popped into my mind was American Gothic. And is that Russell Crowe wondering why he ever went for this gig?
My bet is The Nanny He Never Expected is a pitch for a reboot of Fran Drescher’s The Nanny with Wanda Sykes’s secret daughter in the title role. (I might watch if they brought Niles back.)
No one commented on how obviously pregnant the nanny is in that last cover. There’s a definite baby bump under that tank, which I worry is somehow related to whatever is coming out of his butt. This was truly a bunch of scary covers this time!
@Susan – I almost killed Niles (Daniel Davis) by mistake! He was in ‘Hunt for Red October’ with Richard Jordan who did pass, alas. Niles is alive and kicking.
Whew! We can Still Have Niles!!!
Gals –
I just went on ‘zon to look at Cynthia Shaw’s oeuvre. OMG. It is FABULOUS! Words fail me.
Loving Decker: The longer I look at them, the scarier they become. Are they door to door recruiting for a cowboy-zombie-dentist cult?
Palm Court (aka greeting card from Hell): Even with the flames, we should be able to see some sort of roof or upper floor structure above the intact part of the building. Was it firebombed from a plane with an incendiary device which instantly vaporized the roof? Why is there glitter magma running down one side of the house?
Nanny: The checked jacket, dotted tie, and marbled pattern on the shirt distress me. Also, he looks like a grumpy basset hound with keebler elf ears tacked on. And the kids are creepy.
Wow, thanks a lot, @Musette. I just had to follow you over to Amazon and…those are things I cannot unsee. Help!!!!
I guess I’m the only one seeing apparitions in the flames of Return to Palm Court.
@Musette – what, you…? How? When?
That “Loving Decker” cover looks like a megachurch billboard. Except they’re not leaving room for Jesus.
Unless “Illegal Touching” is a sensitive examination of living and loving with CTE, I question what Dr Nips has to add to a football romance.
@Musette: What do you mean you almost killed Niles?!? Assassin!
I’ve see Hunt for Red October innumerable times and never realized “Niles” was in it. I looked it up on IMDb, but still don’t remember his character.
Belated observation: Y’know, Loving Decker could have been a really nice cover. It only uses two fonts, and the people are obviously over thirty. If only we could zoom in on the eyes and overlook the teeth …
Do you suppose “Tawdra” is the author’s real name? WHAT were her parents thinking?