Grab your coffee, tea, or beverage of choice and let’s get into some Cover Snark.
Claudia: Looks like Uncanny Valley has a hockey team.
Shana: Android boyfriends need love too, Claudia
Catherine: The guy in black looks like he is a hostage. His eyes are seeking help from the viewer. I am concerned for him.
Sarah: Worst Olan Mills portrait pose.
Amanda: I just picture them insisting the photographer doing the shots on the ice and it not going well
Susan: I think his hand is clipping through that glove
Sarah: Wait. Is he Wolverine?
I never saw this version of Ice Capades at the Civic Arena, let me tell you. I’d have remembered that part.
Sneezy: They look more like first gen robot luckiest than robot overlords.
Shana: I am terrified by this
Carrie: That man looks horrified.
Shana: Horrified and…like he might have a gun to her back?
Carrie: THAT TOO
Shana: I can’t decide if his eyes are pleading for help, or demanding that we carry his child….OR ELSE
Carrie: All I know is that momma needs to get far, far away.
Tara: Maybe he’s terrified because she’s done and wants HIM to carry the child.
Claudia: If there was ever a dire need to watch your back that guy is it!
Catherine: Tara, that was my thought, too…
Amanda: I don’t like that it’s an imperative
Carrie: HEY! YOU! CARRY MY CHILD!
So rude!
Amanda: SIR THIS IS AN ARBYS
Sneezy: YES, PLEASE DON’T DO THIS THING HERE! WE’LL GIVE YOU SOME BURGERS IF YOU LEAVE!
Shana: What is happening here?
Sneezy: It looks like one of those blow up muscle suits got stuck under a bear’s head
Sarah: NOM. Head. Nom. No kiss. Just nom.
Elyse: What the actual fuck
Catherine: So, Ruth is the bear, then?
Also, the bear is definitely eating the man’s head. (And you know, it would have taken so little rearrangement of that sentence to make it sexy. But no. This is definitely non-sexy devouring going on here.)
Susan: The bear is clearly draining him of fluids to power its transformation
From Stephanie. Thanks, Stephanie!
Elyse: The treasured find is his belly button?
Tara: The tiger doesn’t think so.
Amanda: For him, the treasure is the lint he finds in his belly button. For the tiger, it’s that grown ass man it’s about to eat.
Sarah: Another model looking for his lost key fob in his transverse abdominis. Sir, it’s never there.
Sneezy: You’re about to die. What is the last thing you want to see? … Okay, sir.
Catherine: Why does he look so surprised at what is under his shirt? Looks like a reasonably standard six pack to me.
Unless… is he actually the tiger? Has he never shapeshifter before and is trying to work out what a human body is for other than tasty snacks? This would explain the confusion…
(Also, I haven’t had enough sleep so now my brain is singing ‘Like a wereman / shifted for the very first time!’, and if I’m not careful I’m going to rewrite the whole song.)
Did anyone else see the writing on the Treasured Find as shitter world? Or do I need an eye test?
Yes I did, and no you don’t.
“Treasured ind” – I feel that a human body, however jacked, is going to be a total disappointment if you started as a tiger.
“Nice Catching You” – It’s nice to see that the AI-generated Zac Efron/Benedict Cumberbatch mashup is getting modelling work…
Y’all…seriously? It’s too effing early for this shift and there’s not enough coffee in the world to make me unsee what I have seen.
“…Where the line between love and ownership is blurred by the instincts of a predator.” That is a Dateline episode. I understand what they were aiming for; they missed. Please, before committing it to print, get a friend or someone who can read it with fresh eyes!
Carry My Child: I agree– he looks really freaked out, and also like he is holding a gun to her back. She seems weirdly unconcerned.
Kissing Truth: The bear is clearly eating veiny dude’s head, not kissing him. Is horror romance a thing now?
Treasured Find: I see a dog nose peeking out from under the center edge of his cap. Is this a romance between a white tiger and a dog headed man? A dog headed man who turns into a tiger?
Treasured Find–that lion is smelling something bad, and the guy seems to think the noise that proceeded the smell came from his belly?Or wait…is the thing you’re treasuring a little farther below the belt? Or he’s like, “Where’d it go?”
I agree Kissing Truth is a horror story. It looks so painful the way that bear is sucking the life out of the guy below..his veins are popping. Yuck!
Nice Catching You: As the mother of a hockey fan, I immediately homed in on the bare hand. Seems like the one doing the catching is the one who should be wearing the goalie glove.
Carry My Child: The font makes it look as if MY CHILD is a euphemism for something very illegal, and she is not carrying it willingly. That is simply not a happy smile.
Kissing Truth: With those veins, our cover model is probably glad the bear has put an end to his pain. But “bwwm and werebear shifter”? Is this one of those Amazon nested-selection things where you keep narrowing-down the choice? Nope, cancel Werebear Shifter, I want to try Seasonal Werewolf instead. And what’s with BWWM? Doesn’t that belong with Carry my Child?
Treasured Final … Oops, no, guess it’s Treasured Find. Is he looking for the missing crossbar to those capital A’s? And, be still my thundering pulse, did the designer achieve FIVE fonts? That’s a treasured find in at least one Cover Snark category. Two, in fact, because I was so distracted by the five fonts, I almost overlooked the tiger.
There’s A LOT to unpack for Kissing Truth, and all of it disturbs me; however, I have to admit that at first glance, I thought it also was about…the Ninja Turtles. But no, luckily not…just poor font choice and placement of the author’s name.
Anyone else? Or is my brain just stuck in the 90s…
So. Is that the Treasured Find lurking in the shadows behind blue letter F? Anyone else thinking “Yay! Accidental Peen!” (Full disclosure: I’ve always wanted to discover one of those.)
Just noticed that an unidentifiable brown extrusion from Treasured’s abs appears to be starting am amoeba-like absorption/ingestion of the letter F.
So um…I didn’t see the dude’s left hand and thought he was looking in his PANTS for his “Treasured Find” and I snort laughed when I realized I went *there* like a 13 year old.
Another worthy group of snark.
“Another model looking for his lost key fob in his transverse abdominis. Sir, it’s never there.”
LOL
These are some really impressively bad covers. I’ve actually read the hockey romance (and almost everything else by those authors) and it’s better than you’d think. Their ‘legally bound’ + ‘no brief affair’ were particularly strong.
Sarah, as a veteran viewer of the Ice Capades at the Civic Arena, I laughed out loud when I read that sentence. Like Cap, I understood that reference!